“I'm not sure of anyone, anyone
But I've got plans
I'm not asking for everything
But sure, I could use a hand

I get a little anxious sometimes
You'll be gone and I'll be left behind
I get a little nervous sometimes
It'll be my cue and I'll forget my lines
I get a little lost look
And some staring from the corner of my eye
I never really mastered disinterest

I can't see how the way that you leave me alone makes us close
I must be out of touch
I won't ask you to give up on the things that seem to keep you gone
But I can be gone, too

I feel a little sorry sometimes
You're not here when I am writing
I feel a little awkward sometimes
You won't talk but we're not fighting
You hold onto your secrets and I'm not privy to what is on your mind
But I can't help but feel scarred

So tired …”

Sometimes songs exist that complete your whole being



I know.

I know the reason I’m not happy.
I won’t allow myself to be.
I intentionally make myself unhappy.
I try to hurt myself.
I intentionally have my strongest feelings for the people that I can’t become something with.
I try to run myself through the mud on a regular basis.
I intentionally attempt to isolate myself from the things that give me joy.
I try to scare away the people who I want to be the closest to.
I want to make myself miserable
I want to destroy my emotions.
I want to kill myself.



















Thanks for fighting me the whole time
I love you all

Sigh.

I see all possibility in my happiness slipping away.

I’m sorry, but it’s like I can no longer talk to anyone anymore. Everyone has there own issues, and they make mine look so trivial. Sure I’m having girl troubles, but who the heck isn’t. If I ever come to any of you with some crybaby issues, you have my permission to do “woopdy do da shit”.

Talking with Jeremy the other day, it occurred to me what I really want in a relationship. (Not that Jeremy drew it out of me, but in conversations where he wont shut his mouth, it gives me a lot of time to think.) I just want to be comfortable. I just want to be able to bare all about myself to some one, and not be afraid of the possible repercussions. (And it would also be nice if I could hold her tight while watching a movie.)

I don’t see that happening in the next few months.

Time for me to shut the heck up, and deal with it.

“Well As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder…”

Won’t someone please tell me who I am?

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I’ve lost my drive, I am only moving because I still have momentum. I’m just going in the general direction I was going in the last time I cared. I’m not even sure I cared then. I have no passion in my major anymore. There are four reasons I picked engineering.

1) I would do it well.
2) It wouldn’t be very difficult for me.
3) It would be easy for me to find a job.
4) I would make enough money to support a family very well.

I don’t know why I should even bother anymore. I may end up hating my life if I do become an engineer. Am I just kidding myself and the only reason is $$$. And even then in order for reason #4 to not be shallow, I would need a family. I don’t see it happening. I hate reality.

I’m also not as conservative as one may think. I was raised a Democrat. I would still be one if I didn’t take religion so seriously. I am as pro-life as one could probably get. It makes me vote Republican; because that is the only issue I really care about. The only reason I got so worked up over this whole war thing, are the protestors frequently protest the wrong things. It makes me mad. I argue points I myself may not actually believe in, just to kill what I deem truly offensive.

Sigh.

I wish someone else would live this life. I’m not just tired of all the monotony. I am tired of constantly making hard decisions, second-guessing, and regretting everything I’ve done at college. I just want to go on vacation, but I can’t. Even if I could when I return everything would be turned upside down. Next year will bring more Jeremy, less Melissa (and possibly none).

I’m tired of everything happening in such slow motion. So many train wreaks happing at the same time. (I swear, if Jayci comes here at all next year, I’m gonna flip. There is no way they could continue “going through THE motions” and not have emotional attachments. I don’t care if I don’t really know what’s going on between the two right now, but sometimes the third party view sees the most.)

I really need a third person view right now. I’m just treading water in the sea of life. Which direction should I start to swim?

Should I just give up and drown?

http://komo1000news.com/audio/kvi_aircheck_031003.mp3

"I need you to hear. I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take
And exploding seems like a definite possibility
To me
So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games
So Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same. "

I just spent the last 7 and a half hours with Jeremy, and the only reason I am not with him now is that he wanted to go to bed. Sometimes People just amaze me. People sometimes fit so well into little groups, and sometimes they just jump out of their containers. Jeremy no longer fits so cleanly into the “Ass” file. We talked mostly about Andy. And don’t let this fool you, Andy was there, and was funny and captivating and everything, it’s just that he didn’t surprise me like Jeremy did. Anyway, we talked a lot about relationships, and as I always knew. Jeremy is not ever what he says he is. He’s never actually doing what he says he’s doing, and I’m sure he doesn’t even know why he does things, but it is all a hell of a lot more complicated than he’ll tell you.

I haven’t talked with Melissa in a while. Sure we have spoken, but not talked. There is a barrier between us. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of treating my feelings for her like an unfortunate handicap. Something that I live with, but can’t speak of. I will not be made to regret my emotions. I’m sorry if my feelings aren’t convenient. But rest assured, my feelings make me try to keep any such burdens away from her. For her, yes, my feelings are unfortunate. But for me, I’m sorry, no. It’s like this; love is a fully blooming garden. My feelings are like sprouting plants. Sure, this may not be the best place for a garden, and it may be the wrong season, but I wont kill the plants. I wont hide them way deep down, away from the sun, where they cannot fully mature into what the should or could be. Because even if this is the completely wrong situation, I don’t know when, if ever, my plants will ever be allowed to fully grow.

They are Beautiful Plants. Aren’t they?

"I've been waiting a long time
For this moment to come
I'm destined for anything at all"

I had a peculiar thought today. I was at a middle school wrestling tourny, when I saw some kids (boys and girls) running around having fun. "I wish I could return to the days when I could have fun. When I could just run around. When everything I did didn't directly impact the rest of my life."

What the hell was that. I AM A KID! well not as much so as an 11 year old but there is nothing to say that any girl I socialize with I love and will marry. Screw that. If I ever get morose again, slap me ok. And a final thoughtfrom the modern day poets.

"Gotta make a plan, gotta do what's right
Can't run around in circles if you wanna build a life
But I don't wanna make a plan for a day far away
While I'm young and while I'm able all I wanna do is..."

"Wherever you go
You know I’ll be there
If you go far,
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere,
So I’ll see you there
You place the name
You know I’ll be there
You name the time
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere
So I’ll see you there

I don’t care if you don’t mind
I’ll be there not far behind
I will dare
Keep in mind
I’ll be there for you"

I going home for a day. I hope nothing drastic changes while I'm gone, If it does, leave a message here, or call my house (269-665-7901)

I love you all.

I don't know what is going on in my life. For some odd reason, I must be secreting a bit more of the "Hey there, baby" [Insert word for male faramones]. So I have had better luck with the ladies.

This is a strange thing, because I stopped playing the game recently. I realized that I could not give my heart to anyone completely, except for her. Whenever I am talking to these ladies I still end up thinking about her. I can be happy, even if she will never be "mine". I just don't think it is fare to lead girls on like I tried to do for a while.

I don't know what I am doing anymore. I seem to have lost my aim.

*sigh

OK, here is the real deal. The main reason I like her is because she is different. I was with Stacey a really long time. So long infact that I lost faith in females. Sure, Stacey treated me like shit, but I figured any girl would. All women are bitches. All problems between men and women was inherintly the males fault. I felt that the way to avoid problems was to be the "perfect" boyfriend. I did every thing I could just to make her happy. Why? Because that's what I HAD to do. Thats whatwomen were, just pretty little things that you have to bribe just to stay with you. I bribed her a lot. I treated her like a god. And after all that, she dumps me.

Women are bitches.
They will use you and toss you to the side after you are completely broke from buying her roses. I hated women, but I needed them to make myself feel worth something. Going hand in hand with the feeling that all women had to be bribed just to be with you is a hell of a lot of insucurity. I am unbelievably insucure, especially after Stacey left. I needed women to give me something to live for.

I'm better now. Someone helped me to believe that I was worth something. It was her. She also surprised me, because she was the first girl who I felt like I wouldn't have to bribe. I never have to be someone I am not around her. I don't have to buy her presents just for her to spend time with me.

She is my breath of fresh air.

Anyway, I can't make my move. I'm afraid. Not affraid of rejection, at least not the quick kind. I have had the quick kind enough that I don't mind it anymore. I rip the band-aid of fast. I AM afraid that I would end up trying to be someone I am not just to impress her.I've been in situations like this before.

Well this is a long one, and this isn't even my computer. I had better end this now.

I'm so horny but
That's ok,
my will is good
Yeah

I still don’t know. I guess I could be worse off.

Every moment passes. I feel like I should be farther along in life than I am. I just hope I won’t run out of time.

I’ve wasted so much time in my life.

I need to start living.

Everything is still up in the air.

I wonder if I changed recently?

It feels good to be home.