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k i got bit by like 1 000 000 bugs tonight. and i wasnt outside. i was in seans room. yeah remind me to wear bugspray next time. and i get like an alergic reaction to bug bites. they arent just bites they are FUCKING WELTS! besides that it was nice. i love to hang out with sean. then on my way home i was like milliseconds away from death. i almost hit a FUCKING COW!!! seriously.... a COW! who lets cows wonder the streets at midnight? fn a holes. everyone do me a favor. eat ALOT of steak! im pissed. i was about to go out of my car and tip it. but i was alone and that would be weird/ i dont knwo how to. k WICKD funny story:
DeadbeatLarry: cows are mean, i wouldnt try to tip one though
DeadbeatLarry: they used to chase my mom and my dog when they'd go for a walk so she doesnt go that way anymore
R0CK my WURLD: HAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
R0CK my WURLD: im dying
DeadbeatLarry: oh it gets better
DeadbeatLarry: one time they had to get saved by the cops
DeadbeatLarry: a cop was driving by and he noticed a cow was chasing my mom and the dog so he put on his sirens to scare it away

oo i love oxford... haha...

p.s. my alarm clock didnt go off today so i missed my psych final and have to take it tomor.. oh damn alarm clocks are cool.

saturday = water fight cookout at my house. things to bring booze, boys, bathingsuits (or not if you were formerly mentioned to be brought), and a water device if you want to survive.
Otto The Gr8: werll ill bring zack if thats o.k
Otto The Gr8: and mike powers
Otto The Gr8: the cute emo boy i kopwn
-lets have that be good for me. i need a boy for even just a night like a crackhead needs a hit.-


leah wrote this in her journal :
it's perfect. i love my friends, amanda and meg, my thirds. soo different from each other but we're the same because somehow we have this insane cosmic connection with each other. and i love them. they're my family and you can't lose family. they'll always be there. and i will treasure every stupid memory we make, because when all i want to do is cry i think of boston. the beach. super highways. long talks at d'angelos. shows. perfect memories with the most imperfect people i love so dearly. i love you guys. xoxox

*i concur*




*stagnancy is my only enemy*

falling apart.... falling apart.... falling apart....
sorry if i act on my feelings. sorry if im acting emo. i cant help feeling unwanted.. i know i have friends and stuff that are awesome. i dont direct that at you. im letting my head get assfucked, and that im letting it happen is stupid. i dont want to care. here is another stupid fucking cry for novicane.... im screaming it. i hate crying. i hate not knowing why. i hate knowing why and not wanting to feel that way but not being able to stop it. i hate being on the verge of tears but not actually crying because i wont let myself but it hurts. i hate this all. and right now i hate myself for feeling it. i hate being me. i hate if i hurt anyone by being myself. i feel like im going to. please ignore me. im going to try to be nice. i just feel like shit right now. i hate soo much being out of control. i hate knowing that there is nothing that i can do to change something. i feel like im spiraling right now. i need to keep busy. i hate this so much. the past can never be changed. is the future set too? i want to live my life perfect. i want to be where my expectations take me. i dont want to fall. i need to succeed. please just give me control right now. i head is spinning so fast please make it stop. i dont know what is doing this to me but the tears are steadily rolling. i hate how this happens like once a year. i hate knowing that it will pass but i have to deal with it for now. fuck this. fuck how i feel. fuck my mind. why does it have to happen right now? everything is going really well. i just finished my last full day. its all done on friday. why when everything feels good can i not feel good when i try. i fucking hate this soo much. these are the times when i really wish i had just gotten a fucking persciption. but no. i get through it always. never the easy way out. what about when i dont feel like waiting. when i want to feel better NOW. not in a month or something? it better not last long. i have soo much stuff coming up that i want to REALLY feel happy about. i dont feel like faking it. or only having it be extremely fleeting. somebody please just fix me. i would do anything. tomorrow i think im finding somewhere peacefull by myself. i need something. maybe i will smoke by myself on a beach. tears feel weird as they roll down your chest. webster lake. im lost. somebody find me so i dont have to wait to find myself. i dont feel like waiting that long. im too messy and too unorganized. it takes to much time to clean myself up. my room is spotless now. minus the shelf in the closet that fell down. eh ill pick it up tomor. maybe ill pick myself up too. sorry for myself.



*stagnancy is my only enemy*

your saying ive got it together as i watch myself fall apart.
please forgive me. im falling apart. i try to act unphased. let it slip like sand through my fingers. but im sorry for the particles still stuck under my fingernails. i tried to clean it out, but somethings just dont get washed away. the formation of the caluses sometimes break down when the lotion works too well. im going to stop using it. i'ld rather be dry than to feel what i shouldnt. im sorry for you having to watch me fall apart, but the mask sometimes falls off.



... im lost and dont know what i think or feel so how can i react?......



*stagnancy is my only enemy*

sleep is under/over rated.
whoa last night... yeah so the last time i slept was friday night.. and i think i only got like 5 hours that night.. so im a little tired... although as the day progressed i think i got more awake than more tired.. i work 330-close. with keith :) sometimes i really miss him... it was fun to work with him tonight.. he said to me that we would never see eachother after the next three weeks. i really hope that isnt true.. i think im gonna make an effort to hang out with him. dude we've been friends like whoa since he was my first "boyfriend" in fourth grade.. haha.. its crazy to think about where you thought you would be now... like what i thought i would be doing now when i was in fourth grade or even a year ago... the reality doesnt really meet the expectations.. not that it is a bad thing.. because in many ways it is VERY VERY good.. . its just weird. p.s. predictions have been made.... hmmm.. we will have to see what happens..
so saturday me michelle and sean went to a malibu heights show in hudson.. seans transmission died. i got it towed. amanda picked us up. we didnt see malibu. then. me and soch went to the toga party. barely any togas. lots of randomness. LOTS of alcohol. lots of drunkenness. lots of alcohol in my stomach in not lots of time. haha. it was crazy. that kid zack that i want was there. point for amanda because they were all like "lets have children" and stuff. i got wasted. very high. puked. passed out for like an hour or less. rude awakening. drank again. smoked somemore. then its really blurry. then breakfast. then cleaned. then came home. then got an application at Hot Topic. then worked. now. here. "what if god was one of us" yeah thats right i havent heard that in forever before last night. people highlights of the night. amanda= slut. jeff= slut. most of the party= slut. otto= cool shit. katie= cool shit. boywhowrotemeasongandhisfriend= confusingly cool. george= pussy. myke= hippy. blueshirtgirl= needs to be induced in coma. majorityofguys= HAHAHHAHAHA mybowlsname= joan
well i should sleep. tomor i will prob die. tomor. the first day of the last week of school ever. yep its fucking nuts...



p.s. my phone has disappeared. and my mum thought i was hungover. i wanted to tell her i dont get hungover.. i was just tired from drinking and not sleeping all night. but i just said i was tired.


*stagnancy is my only enemy*

the thought process must cease
im wickd confused.. i cant fucking think straight. i cant get shit off of my mind. im fucking annoyed. i need a fucking coffee. i wish i didnt care so much. i wish it didnt all get to me. im sick of trying to please. im sorry that i enjoy things that others dont. i dont want to cry. i cant think straight. i want to be perfect. i wish i fit a mold. i wish i werent the same as every. i cant put my finger on it. i cant think straight. i want to be yours. nobody can own me. i hate being bored. life is a boredgame. i hate being ditched. i cant think straight. i love the choices that i make. i hate walking on egg shells. i just wanna say fuck you. and everything you represent. i miss things. i want to hold on. i cant think straight. never look back. photos fade but so do some memories. things change. i change. i hate you. i love you. i cant think straight. the typing isnt relieving me. its a release. dont expect from me more than what you are willing to give... but more will always be what you get. i hate your attitude. i hate double standards. i cant think straight. i cant twist the knife that isnt sticking in you. fuck you.


i need a long walk on the beach...... alone. i need to stop thinking and just feel. why cant i escape my own mind? it happens every year... i think its seasonal.. breath. relax. and there is always the paint for the mask.

ill smile. i wouldnt want to destroy your expectations.




*stagnancy is my only enemy*

damn straight i write in this all the time. i love my boohu
the girl who just passed english for the year with a 67 was called "an english major" today. yeah funny.

the bell doesnt toll the correct hour. people fake dreams and asperations. there is no death or destruction. nothing excites. you must leave to be interested. gas stations. bars. convience stores. the best people are the ones that leave. OXFORD.

today i went for a ride with sean and luke.. we found nothing. then i worked. cutest lady came in and then came back twice with avon samples for me and my slut co-worker kelly. yeah. i fell in love. that really made my night... she was soo cute. then i went for a coffee... mmmmm. the excitement of oxford. although we had a funny moments. we were standing outside making fun of this honda element.... and this chic was like "its a car for a 36 year old guy with frosted tips trying to stay young" then the guy came out with another guy and some chic.. total douchbags... so jay starts talking about how the car is wickd nice to look at and stuff... just keeps going and the guy is all showing him the inside and stuff. and they are all getting excited... it was soo funny. so to make it better jay says "i think i want one when im 36, that is a perfect age for this car" or something like that.. i thought i was gonna crack up in their faces. then the especially douchy douchbag started talking about diamond rings etc. i would have been happy if i watched him get punched.... i like conversations with jay. sometimes i think he might just be being an ass to me.. but i dont think i would care.. lol.... its a better convo than i have with most... i want to be doing what he is doing next year or i will slit my wrist.. get lame school out of the way and then transfer to boston. do something with my life. oxford is lame and i fucked myself over with getting out sooner. ill deal with the consequences, but i still say they fucking suck hard.

i find art in stars. i love the ocean. writing puts me at ease. i love the city. i need excitement. im down to chill. i am wild. i want to try everything. i hate stagnancy. i care. i cant deal with untruth. i love my friends. i want to BE. i love listening to peoples lives, beliefs, and dreams. i want to take it all in. i thrive on intensity.


well have a beautiful night.




*stagnancy is my only enemy*

sitting in the library. you make me sick
your drunk driving episodes must bring you closer to having your OWN identity. Did the trip make you self-aware? Did the escape from reality make you a more true person?
The perfection that you encompass doesnt leave you content. What more is it that you want? You perfect.
Your infidelities must make you love her more. How does it feel to tear her apart without her knowing a thing? What happens when it all falls down and your found out?
The perfection that she encompasses doesnt leave you content. What more is it that you want? She's perfect.
A new high. A different fuck. An escape from the truth that reality presents.
The perfection that you encompass doesnt leave you content. What more is it tha tyou want? Fuck you, you're far from perfect.

today.. and thoughts...
well school.. yeah that was.. well school... i brought painting stuff to math.. it was fun. and we listened to music.. other people were in groups playing hackey, "trash"basket ball, senior memory books, or just music. yeah mr. army kept talking still. tony changed his grade in the book and didnt try to cover it up.. he just skribbled it out. then mr.army made him give the grade book and he looked through it... he didnt notice a thing.. are we suprised? I found out that i have a 92 in that class.. if i take a zero on the final i will have a 77.. i dont think im gonna do the test.... thats a bit excessive. i left during last period and got my birthcontrol and cleaned my room. then off to tennis.. i really want to learn to play. we didnt really do anything it was me leah and danni. we had fun. but i want to learn. i think me and soch are gonna go down sometime. then i worked.. danni visited on multiple occasions. leah visited. adam visited. and soch visited. it was alright i gues... then i got in my car and oasis came on... i flipped i was super excited.. as i pulled into my neighborhood i noticed how many stars were out. its amazing.. i stood out there for a while looking at them and decided to wait a bit and go back out... i started thinking about summer again.. its basically here and its going to be amazing. i love my friends soo much. friday we are going to the beach.. i cant wait.. i love the ocean sooo much..

so i started thinking about how i thought i was Daria when i was little. i wasnt like her.. besides loving to read and being "weird"... but i was loud and obnoxious not at all quiet and to myself. but i was convinced i was her. i loved that show. i loved it before my parents let me watch MTV. i would have to turn it off when i heard them coming downstairs. they never changed their outfits. everything was perfectly stereotyped. how much easier would life be like that? to not question our identities. the cheerleader and football player always wear the uniforms. the pretty girls always wear their pretty girl outfits. the weird ones the weird outfits. WHAT WOULD I WEAR? where would i be classified? i have never wanted to be classified as anything, anyone but just ME. i dont want to conform. or to not conform. where my opinions lie, my beliefs, my ideas, my clothes, my "style", my anything lie... is where it lies. if its "in" fine if its "out" fine.

i dont want to try. but i think human nature is to desire to be loved. is love acceptance? can we love what does not love us for who/what we are? or is it just lust. a bodily desire to be accepted or wanted by that other? some people intrigue me. i want to hear them talk and talk and not stop. i want to know what is going on in their heads. i want them to show me new things. teach me. forever i want to learn. but then what if they want to share nothing? tell nothing? would you be willing to be nothing for them? if it meant you would have them, have their everything... would you be nothing?

dont get me wrong i love my life completely but i need an emo moment.
i want the feeling of comfort back. i want to know i can pick up the phone and there is .. yes.. a GUY on the other line choosing to comfort me, or more important to EXCITE me. i want to be wanted. i desire to be desired. when the night closes in i yearn to be held. i want to drive somewhere and just make out until my lips hurt. if they need to bleed to get this.. let the blood drip down from my neck craving tongue. i want to be held when i cant explain my bad mood. i want "his" eyes to tear when the salty water runs down my face uncontrollably. i dont want to be afraid to fall apart because i know someone is there to be my glue.

lately i've felt so strong. so happy. and right now. im crying. i feel so selfish even crying while living such an amazing life. being surrounded by such amazing people. i just miss some things. im complete because "i believe that 1 + 1 = 2" but i just want it. this is my temper tantrum. i remember when someone was there to just hold me. just that.. to hold me.. physically, mentally, emotionally. that fell apart in the matter of a day. and i am stronger for it. im better for it. and i did more than he deserved. but why can't i find a good one. someone to give me the comfort for real. someone to feel with. someone to stop these tears from flowing. i want glue and i want it now.. but im not a stupid "girl". so i put on the smile. because my life is good and i have enough to be estatic about and im not selfish.


"in the beginning there were answers then they came along and changed. all these questions and their answers seemed to change. so ill wait till i find the remote part of your heart. and no where else will let us choose a comfortable start. we stop at every passing place to watch the world move faster than we do. watch it pass with our eyes closed the way we usually choose to. so ill wait till i find to remote part of your heart. and no where else will let us choose a comfortable start. and even if the breath between us smells of alcohol we'll call it confusion in the best way possible"
i really like that song.

i'ld kill for make believe right now. because in make believe it never hurts. and we achieve every desire.

this has been really long.
now im going to go outside and breath in every star until i choke wishing on the shooting one that someone will save me. i will spit every star into your face so that you can be seen in truth to what you are.


*stagnancy is my only enemy*

today was....
today was rough in the beginning.. i think if someone paid me. i still wouldnt have been able to keep my eyes open. i hate when i feel like that because i feel lazy or something. well after school was fun. i got luke we got mark then we went to newbury comics and they dropped me at the dentist.. i got an fn cavity filled and it fn hurt. the pushed the needle wickd hard into the center of where the joint of the jaw is. then we went to Salvy's luke got his suit for prom. its hot like whoa. then me and luke smoked and ate pita bread and red pepper hommus.. oh so good. then we got sean and went to lukes to play some pool. then i went with this kid myke to longboard... i fell and it hurt.. hmmh.. i liked it but not the falling... i think i have to toughen up what a pussy i am. i said i dont think i like it but now that i think about it i would prob want to try it again. it was cool on the small declines. well then i learned (kinda) how to drive a standard (sorry about your clutch) i felt bad like i was gonna kill his car.. we went to honey dew.. free hook-ups are sick. then sochia called and we went and got the picture that she colored for myke. then i came home i think that i am the "best-friend" mentioned... well im not defending my actions. first because i wasnt even directly confronted. second i did nothing wrong. and third you dont even care when i say directly what bothers me.. well here is my response to your bitchy ways to me *shrug my shoulders and say oh well* well then my friends decided to leave my car on the other end of town and i went to get that at seans. and now im home. yeah an eventfull day.. michelle and adam said that i like "hard-core guys" today... and when we went into detail on it we came up with i like guys that are extreme. like they cant be at all boring to the norm because that would just bore me to death. i agree. i need interesting people around me.. and deffinatley love extreme people. i just makes you feel alive to be in those situations. someone to keep you guessing. someone to keep you moving. a constant suprise. the lack of stagnancy. well yes i agree and i think it is good. then they were saying that me and soch have been talking about all these random new people lately.. like we meet a new person every week. it made me happy to hear that. i love meeting new people. things are waaay more interesting that way. it feels like the movements in life that leads us on the path of improvement.
well hopefully i am taking a "college visit" on friday and going to the beach, its supposed to be 88 degrees and i do nothing in school. that would make me soo happy i love the beach.

i heard a really good lyric today.. i forget exactly how it goes though.. something like.. "you are the magazine i read when i should be reading a book" i loved it and am pissed that i forgot it... well im tired so im going to give in.. goodnight all




*stagnancy is my only enemy*

thelifeilove
camping is fun. so isnt being drug free. it makes me stop and question sometimes. i understand being straight edge in a way. like this weekend i worked friday night then me and soch went camping with jeff, and his friends myke and nick. sober camping. and it was fun. then yesturday we got up at like 5 30 got everyone up at 6 30 came to my house went in the hottub had a pancake breakfast and watched a movie/slept. then i brought everyone home and me and soch went to dei's little brothers baseball game. then i brought soch to work and got michelle my wings for prom and my hair looked at. then me, michelle, and sean all took showers at my house (michelle almost killed us by just letting the gas run on my stove) and we picked up soch and went to a NoTrigger, TREOS, Loss for Words, and The Cadence show. on the way we ran out of gas getting off of the masspike and had to push the car through the toll. yeah it never fails to be an interesting time when driving with me. then after a good show with the exception of a wickd shitty PA in which you could hear the vocals at all me and soch went camping with jeff and them again. there were a couple of girls and another guy there when we arrived. they were all really cool. then i had a nice sleep with MY OWN blanket. yeah sharing is deffinately over rated.

i question things all the time. i wish i had the answers or even one. drinking and smoking is fun. it doesnt like over come me and be like i want to do it soo badly or all the time. its like anything else to me. going to the beach. going camping. going out. i mean sometimes its just to escape boredom. i dont do it in excess esp not drinking. but i always wonder like what does it really reflect on my personality that i even do it all? i dont need to do it to have a good time. but sometimes its just fun. i dont know. i have these things circling in my head and i cant stop thinking.

at the show last night i took alot of pictures. im going to go through them today after i clean and play around with editing them. i would really love to take a photography class. right now i dont have the time or money so i will just fuck around with what im doing. maybe i will try using the real camera that my parents have. i love taking pictures at shows... its a challenge.

well this weekend is amazing. my friends are amazing. the new people i meet are amazing. i love my life. and my life must love me to treat me this well. im continuing my life the way it is.. hoping to improve all the time. time gives way to answers so i will take them when they come.

things learned: jeff SUCKS at sharing.
im an EXPERT
some people havent even begun.



*stagnancy is my only enemy*

i love my life
is it selfish to be THIS happy with your life and still want something more?




alright so today in school matt laforce decided to call me scene. and that i try wickd hard. and that im fake. so yeah. oh and he was like "nice life" wheni said i went to the beach and smoked yesturday. then made fun of the fact that i must have had to pay to dye my hair and get my nose pierced. funny story he was wearing a polo shirt (but thats ok because he said mommy bought it for him). oh and on the "nice life" comment yeah he is going out to drink at the dam tonight. ..... and then drive home. so yes my life is nice. and i would consider it alot more intelligent then yours. oh and with the "scene" comment. yes i do lots of coke and am soo obviously annarexic. your right your perfect and so isnt your life. get the fuck over it. i wish he read this. then he might get an idea on how ridiculous he sounds. have fun drinking and driving. i hope tomor you have a life to wake up to to call nice.

well tonight. im not sure what is up. i am working 5-close. then? something with sochia. obviously. who else? i dont know. she was saying maybe going to jeff's but we havent talked in a while so im not sure about that. but he invited her over for a cookout/campout. sober night. im soo down for that. i said if it was just him and like one or two others to tell him they could come here. the rents are gone. so we could have a fire and that shit. well i dunno we will see what is gonna happen. but i just mowed the lawn and need to get ready for work and see deanna before i go to work cause she has her prom today.. have a beautiful day. i wish intensity upon you.


*stagnancy is my only enemy*

today was.....
Ok so after hitting the alarm only like 12 times this morning i got up at 630 and did the whole shower shave get ready thing. then it was off to the AP exam. oh what a bundle of fun! an hour of like 5 multiple choice passages. followed by 2 hours to write three essays. well by the 3rd essay i had the attention span of a 2 year old crack baby. so i deff blew at least the last one. then after feeling like i was going to crack because of course i was trying to accomidate everyones fucked scheduals i left school and had lunch with michelle curran and amy .... that was fun.. curran finally asked germain to prom and that pumped me up.. oh and amy was going to the cape today to see shane she was all giddy im excited for her.

so then i picked up soch pot and leah and we were off to the beach. it was fun we smoked and hung out by the ocean. it was awesome i love them.... then we got food and watched bike boys tried to get my wings but because we are fat missed the store closing by like 20 min.. yeah lame.. we dropped off leah. got my sweatshirt from jakes. got icies. played pool at lukes. very good day over all... a huge reminder of summer.. hopefully tomor night will be too ;)
so i have decided that yes indulgence is the way.. i was sitting on the beach thinking about how awesome it was to be there with amazing people and i was thinking about how nobody should deprive themselves of feeling that happy. i would not appreciate it more... because today i knew how lucky i was. to be somewhere that makes me feel soo good with people i love that make me feel awesome.. i say indulge until you stop appreciating. then deprive oneself until you appreciate it all again..


*stagnancy is my only enemy*

my cd needs to fucking burn NOW
is it bad if nobody ever comments on your life?

i've had a fucking total of like 9 comments on my journals EVER. i fucking suck.. i bet some of those are my own fucking comments too.

yes because that means it is boring/stupid/nobody cares enough.


no because that means i am perfect and there is no need for commenting.






if people do read this... what do you think?





THE CD IS DONE! HOLY SHIT I CAN STOP CUTTING MY WRIST!