Fighting For Friendship
I am fighting really hard for a cause and I think I am getting nowhere. I am slowly losing a friend a good friend, I am not going to let this friendship slide away its too important to me and all in the same time I am angry with my friend cause it isnt working and also I miss the friendship we used to have and for that I am sad.

To Lindsey
I am gonna keep fighting for this friendship because its very important to me and I am not letting it go without a fight.

Sick.
I am sick of all the lies
I am sick of of only knowing half the truth
I am sick of the over sensitivity
I am sick of the unexplained anger
I am sick of no one cutting through the bullshit
I am sick of not being valued
I am sick of being last place in everything
I am sick of being sick
I am sick of the akward silences
I am sick of the fighting
I am sick of the anger
I am sick of being concerned and have everyone dislike you for it
I am sick of being fat



I am just sick of all of it...

A fish out of water...
Here I am once again staying up and resorting to the old journal. Right now I am feeling very defensive everything people say I take it like there being mean, also I feel like I don't belong here in this house sometimes I wonder how I can be related to these people *not like there completly awful its just there so different* My mom, like usual is in super bitch mode and will never give it up. Today Dad has been such an ass for no reason, like he is so negative and angry all the time Today he was telling Mary how the dog is black and he was using words that I refuse to write. He is the strangest man I have ever met. I really dont have an opionion of him though, like he isnt someone who influences my life that much, well he does but its like he says things and stuff its just what he says I dont ever think about. He isnt someone I think of alot infact I dont think I ever think of him. He isnt like pure evil or anything just I saw Theresa's journal and I relaized my father isnt a very important person to me. He is just around and he really doesnt play a big role in my life. Sam and Sarah are here and I feel like hurting them both alot!! and when they read this they will want an explanation but I am not giving one so ha! Mary is driving me crazy is this what its gonna be like when its only me and her. God I shudder at the thought. I just feel like this house is too crowded for me and loud and I feel like I dont belong here, like I am not supposed to be in this house I cant really explain it and this whole thing might come off the wrong way.

You know what I am not independent at all when something goes wrong in my life I can't ever deal with it by myself I think this is why I miss Sam so much cause now that I wont confide in her anymore I am forced to do things by myself and I am not idpendent at all I mean I just need guidance alot but maybe I shouldnt always look for guidance maybe its time I depend on Robin just a little more.

and to the anonymous person I really wish to know who you are and why you wish to be anonymous.

Damn Totem Poles
Finally I am writing at normal hours of the day LOL. I think I have been to negative but I dont care this journal is good for venting. I am sick of being the bottom of the Totem Pole in everything My family is always making me be on the bottom and sometimes my friends. I feel like my feelings and thoughts come last all the time I feel like no one ever thinks of me. when the girl reffered to me as ewwy people were nice about it but no one was like its ok be angry its ok. I like to listen to what people have to say I like to hear how there days go and how they are feeling but I feel like no one wants to hear me say these things I think this a mood cause something triggered it right before I wrote this so maybe I am just being stupid. I just feel like no one ever thinks of me or considers me. Maybe I am wrong maybe I am whiny I have no idea cause I cant read minds so I dont know if they are thinking of me

That sad thing is I am almost positive I know who will comment, and I know every one cares about me its just i feel like the bottom of a totem pole

going out into the world is dangerous
So here I am, like every night staying up and doing nothing except today I feel less guilty about it because I actually left the house today. I went rollerblading all the way from downtown rockford to belmont store I went with Sam and there was some bonding and Rory came(Rory is our dog) and there is a story it goes like this..

k Sam and I were in single file and the dog was next to me and he wasnt in anyones way or anything, but this older guy(i would describe him like 50 years old grey hair but very like fit and muscle like) and he passed by us and the convo went like this

Man:What the Fuck!
Sam:Pardon me?
*we kept going he is behind us now
Man:Thats right laugh it up *Sarcasm*haha
(he comes back to talk to us)
Man:What the Fuck is your problem?
Sam:excuse me I am very confused?
Man:your dog was in my way!
*man walks towards me and is three inches from my face*
Man:hmmmmmmm
Robin:Im sorry the dog is really strong and hard to control
Man:Bullshit!!!!!!
Robin:I am awfully sorry I will be more cautious in the future
*right now I am not scared Sam is though and I am thinking if he touches me or my sister I will FLATTEN HIS MOTHER FUCKING FACE IN!
(the man walks away but Rory got in his way and the man almost tripped over his leesh)
Man:GOD!!!! next time this happens I wont fuck around someone will get hurt!

Sam and I haulled balls out of there!

That man made me so angry I dont get angry easily but the fact that he was being such a fucker for no reason really made me want to kick his shins. I dont use the f word often but now its like he makes me so angry the thought of him makes me red!!! and for anyone who hasnt been on the white pine trail its pretty woodsy and secluded so if he wanted to do something it was likely he wouldnt get caught, but Sam and I could have kicked his sorry ass!

Then later tonight I went midnight bowling with Kate it was fun but there was this couple who were like having sex and they were right next to us. I dont like anger it is a scary emotion that I dont want much to do with. Anger is so awful look at what it does to people I dont like that guy cause he made me angry I hate being angry! but I am now, and I wanted to go bowling in my scrubs but my parents being as shallow as they are. they were like "dont wear them you will embatass us" so despite of them i put jeans on, but also i colored my hair orange they acted as if they werent angry but Dad was so pissed I could tell TEEHEE I enjoyed it. also I dont think my family should influence my life so much anymore I think I should just sorta cast them aside I mean its not like they will notice. Its just I'm just sick of being defined by them and I just think I am done with them for awhile I mean I have almost lost Sam I dont want to gain anyone else so whats the point?

naturally I'm not an angry person but now...
God here I am staying up and doing absolutely nothing once again and resorting to the old journal. Well today Sam is up for disscusion Ever since she started college she has been different she is never around and she works all the fuckin time and now she has a boyfriend whom I dont approve of and I know that my approval doesnt matter, but he is 23 she is 18 and he is this big pokemon geek and I hate him! Lately I have wanted to stranggle Sam the ironic thing I hate her cause she is never around. Sam and I have a very close relationship we arent just siblings we are friends Sam is one of my best friends we do tell each other almost everything and we do alot together and I know there is an age difference but that has never been an issue. She is never home anymore and when she is, she is planning to do something with brad(her bf) not to mention they go out at eleven PM almost every night and come back around three AM. She is moving out next month she could cherish our last moments together. she is never gonna visit once she leaves, she hates it here, as do I. Sam keeps me sane, in this house of pure annoyance and if you take away the sanity all you get is insanity she is leaving me to be the middle between Beau and Mary and we know all know how important they are to me grrrrr. Mom is on super bitch mode and without Sam she will focus alot more on me which and this focus wont be positive it will be extremely negative. Its not like I thought she would stay here forever but I thought she would be more sad instead she is completely leaving me alone and I hate her for it we are supposed to be a team here and she is breaking it up with out even having left a few good moments. Lately I have been having lots of rocky moments with my friends and I never expected to be rocky with Sam maybe its me lately People havent been happy with me but this is different its got to be her not me...right?

I think my journal needed a new look I say that everyday Lol

A new look a new attitude I cant be so insecure or harsh on myself and I am never happy and I want to be and the only thing keeping me from happiness is me and I need to focus on a little more on me I need to get fit and excersise and be a better diabetic and I need to learn my place I have to stop upsetting people its becoming a weekly tradition and it ends here

a note to some of my friends...

Theresa, you are hotter than Natalie Portman dont worry you are very pretty.

Lindsey, I am glad we are friends again.

Carinna, dont stop being the wonderful person that you are.

Sheely, I miss you i want to hang out more.

Zach,I want us to become really good friends and I know that when we are closer to it. I screw it up I am sorry.

Krystal, I really want us to grow closer you are a great person and I want to become closer with you.

Amber, I really want to become closer with you also because you are a good person.

To the girl that reffered to me as ewwy...

I dont hate you I was just disapointed.

To the people I make angry I am sorry for what I do. I am working on a better Robin I'm not striding for Perfection just need some improvment. You know who you are and I am sincerely sorry

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to open up my mouth

Well here I am on a wednesday night and the clock just turned midnight wow this is pretty pathetic LOL I was thinking people say that these journals dont define them at all but if you were a stranger and you read this journal you would have a very good idea of who I am you can see what ticks me off,what makes me sad,what makes me happy. These journals are expressive writing in disgiuse your writing what you feel you get to see an emotion written down on paper*sorta* you get a good glimpse of this person and what there truly like. maybe therapists will use these someday

I think the only emotion I feel is confused nothing makes sense right now and I think I over exageratte my life to much my life is pretty smooth right now I should be thankful its not. Its been worse I should be satisfied thats over. When my life is good someone else's gets worse and then I get all concerned and I have to learn just to stay out of things people have never asked for my help in a problem of theres and I shouldnt pry because it just drives people away from me. I just hope my happiness lasts it has a tendecy not to and this once I just hope everyone is happy because all my friends deserve it and wishing them happy is all that I should do I shouldnt pry. This is my new non prying attitude. on other news i didnt eat dinner I slept through it yah!
I think if i went through this journal you would get the impression that I'm whiny and selfish and parinoid but a good freind you wouldnt see me as a happy person cause I think by nature Im not a happy person and I hate it.I just want to experience happiness for awhile and have it last

A girl referred to me as ewwwwwwwwy it really hurt it still does

I really respect Sheely she a good listener and a good friend and I should pay more attenion to her.

That girl's opionion makes me feel ewwwwwwwwwwwwy

Annoyed
The chaos in my house has certainly quieted down quite a bit. In spite of that this house drives me crazy my relationship with my mother is just getting worse everday we cant agree on anything we are always blowing up in each other's faces. and now this roadtrip from hell I am about to expierence. Sam and me have been fighting alot lately she was supposed to be the person who keeps me sane but this december she is moving out and Beau keeps trying to build a relationship with me and I really dont want one and no matter how clear I make that he just cant get it. Mom and Dad have been on a love spree that started back in 1978 and is still going they are constantly touching and being gross and there so upsessed with each other and a little to preoccupied to pay a little attention to anyone else. I really dont have an opionion of my father I think its because he is never around for me to form one in fact he isnt someone I think of very often.I just thank god Mary hasnt been around often


I am starting to miss my grandma again for no unprovoked reason except there has been a lot of talk about her lately

I gotta remember to think positive *take mental note*

The other day Theresa said the nicest thing she said"how lucky any one would be to have me as a friend because I'm considerate and a good listener" and knowing she thinks that makes me feel wonderful.

my favorite pharse right now is
"Sometimes you have to walk in the Rain"
meaning that sometimes life sucks and you just half to deal and accept it.

I missed her so much I'm glad we are friends again

I think my one problem is wallowing in self pity which I am constantly doing. and I think that is the only thing keeping me from happiness and you know what ever since like saturday I have been thinking positively and life has been alot better and I think its my attitude and how i deal with the siuations given to me is how is why I seem so much happier

Love
I'm extra super happy right now and positive I cant wallow in self pity forever. The people that mean the most in this world are my friends and I cant sit by and complain. I want to be close to all of you.

Theresa we are close already but our friendship is constantly growing and I hope it never stops

Lindsey we have of our moments of when we are connected at the hip and when we are very distant. Right now we are not exactly at our best times but I hope we get past it lindsey you are very important to me and I am sorry for what I am doing to make you so mad.

Carinna: we didnt start out that positivly but where now is a good place. I admire the way you handle bad siuations and how you stand up for what you know is right,I recently have been going through a hard time and you listened and made me feel so much better.Thank you this also calls for a smiley (:

Zach:I have enjoyed meeting you and having you as a friend I hope we can continue to grow closer,I know I have my moments where I annoy you. I admire the fact that you take the time to listen to me. You listened to me complain before we were barely friends. Thank you

Krystal:I have known you the longest but yet we so distant adn i want to grow closer. You are a good person and I want to be better friends with you. I love ya krystal and you are important to me

Sheely:We have had our rocky moments even then you still mattered to me. You always listen and know what to say and your so supportive. I feel like I could write a book about how much you mean to me. haha

Amber:or formaly known as Poe. what to say execpt when poe makes a joke i think the whole world is laughing. your so funny adn you can put a smile on everyones face you light a room which your mere apperance. keep the laughter going

Aaron: there are alot of times when i think strangeling you is the best answer. but now i know its not. as my cousin/friend you are important me even if i dont always see it

Sarah:My favorite relative on the family tree. you make me excited to go to family events and I know sometimes your life isnt always the easiest but even then you listen to me. i could go on forever about you but i choose not to embaress you

If i forgot you please tell me i forget easily

Kt i didnt forget i just wanted to make a special entry for you later

leave comments on what u think!

Alone
she says she wants space and I respect that but I feel like she will never come back to me that she will always be distant

I still feel like the people I want to care dont right now i just ended a fight with my sister about how she and no one else pays attention to me. I can accept my family\'s descion to not care because I learned not to rely on them along time ago. But my friends I feel like they dont care anymore I know i am not giving credit to the ones that do IM sorry but one friend i feel like will never come back and others i feel like only if my eyes were bleeding out of my head then maybe i would get a hello now and then

Gawd IM SUCH A BRAT!!!!!!!