go away

:: 2005 15 November :: 6.23am

Friends only from now on, to keep certain fuck heads from reading this then reporting to their master.

Haha!

:: 2005 14 November :: 9.42pm
:: Music: Ima Robot

You were the best love I ever had, you hit me high, you hit me low
Time doesn't slow down for those who dream, I wake only to hear this scream.
~

Yeah, so... Today was pretty alright. Everyone stopped in at Art & Bev's which was cool, thanks guys! Chef told me ice cream would be on him. That was cool.
Then I hung out w/Charlie <3 <3 <3 I seriously can't wait to get married. His sister and I are going to start looking at bridesmaids dresses and everything. I love his family. Which is cool. It's definitely not a monster-in-law thing. His family is awesome.
I got my neice some cute little things. A cute little tigger hat and mittens as part of her Christmas present. She was tigger for halloween. She's almost 16 mos.
Things are definitely happening. It doesn't feel like last time though. That's what confuses me. But people say it's different every time.
I should definitely be drawing the layout for my group's resturaunt. Or studying for tomorrow's CA 112 test. Or something. But no, I'm exhausted. And I'm going to sleep soon. After I read Star/In Touch. Gahhhhhhh stupid addictions. Better than drugs though. Aw who'm I kidding?
.
.
.
j/k.
G'night.

:: 2005 13 November :: 10.40pm

hehe. i just ordered some birkenstocks. hehehe. wow i'm tired.

:: 2005 13 November :: 10.14pm
:: Music: Devil In The Details- Bright Eyes

Oh holy crap.
Today has gone so fast. The power went out earlier. I was supposed to work on a project but it got kinda dark. It's okay now. My parents saw my tattoo today and I had to tell them it was marker. Ugh. Whatever. Dad talked about Char and I and the wedding today too. My grandma called and said she saved some things from a wedding she went to last night for some ideas. THAT is so cute and cool. She's excited. I'm trying not to test early because I know it's still early. But I feel compelled to. It's so expensive though. Something is happening, for real. We'll see. If I test then I can get rid of this one and then I'll have to wait to test again.
Charlie took me to see the Teddy Roosevelt thing at the museum yesterday. hehehe. we're such dorks. Sitting by the fountain was cool. I love him.
I have to sleep soon.
Hm. I haven't gotten hours from work in quite a while. Hm...

:: 2005 13 November :: 9.37pm
:: Music: Vaux - Van Fong

Coming Soon...The CS

I'm so excited about the play. It's coming along quite nicely. Every part of it is so much fun. I don't know what I like better, doing tech stuff, or being on stage.

I really wish I would have tried out for other plays, or would have gotten involved at all.

No school Friday (for play people, that is), and then only Monday and Tuesday of next week and then we're on Thanksgiving Break.

Also, our project for TV Pro is finally coming along. If I had known how easy editing is, it would have been done awhile ago.

Everything is so good right now.

HOLY COW

1 huh | what

:: 2005 10 November :: 5.08pm

I really don't like people right now.

6 huh | what

:: 2005 9 November :: 7.51pm

Little cloven hooves that make it kinda hard to ski...
Ahhhhh CRAZY. I love Charles James Shick. AHHHHH. So much.
Maybe a surprise we'll find out tomorrow. I dunno. Or like, in a week or two. Eh. I love this picture
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

~~~~~

Fucking bullshit, I would never be caught dead in...Georgia. Like, omg.

stinko

:: 2005 9 November :: 12.30pm

class, class, class
i don't want to go. government is boring.
blah, blah, blah
i want to go home. homework is calling.
bah, bah, bah
i am a goat (or a sheep). i like eating.
zzz, zzz, zzz
i am sleeping (or a bee). i like buzzing.

mmmm

bop

dipdopbadoapdobiedopbopbado

yeayeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:: 2005 9 November :: 11.44am

Take it or leave it.
I've been thinking about everything lately and you know what?
I'm happy. I really am right now.
Yes, it's odd being single and having an ex, but it's not that bad. We really had something good for awhile. He helped me become comfortable with myself. He helped me be who I am today. He did a lot for me. And I'm glad he did do some good for me, it makes it all worth it. Yeah, he did some bad for me as well, but let's forget about that. I do know that we were not in love though. We cared about eachother. A lot. And that's it. I still love him to death, but I am not in love with him and I never was. I'm glad we were together. And I'm glad we're not anymore.
The only thing I am upset about is the fact that he told me not to bad mouth him, not to turn my family against him, not to hate him, and that he still wanted to be friends. So, here I am being the mature one while he's trying to win my family over and talk bad about me. *shakes head* Whatever, you're gonna lose on that one buddy. They're not your biggest fans to say the least.

I just like this independent life I'm having right now. I've been so busy lately, just hanging out with my friends. I couldn't ask for better friends. I love hanging out with Kelly, Matt, and Andy. They are my escape. Truly. I've never been around people who just want to have a good time and not really give a fuck or worry about anything. Just relax, laugh, and live. We always do the same thing, which is basically just sit around, but it doesn't feel that way. Kelly is still giving me a call every day just to see how my day was. Matt is more of a friend now, not just 'Kelly's boyfriend'. Andy is just... great. I'll leave it at that.

Erika and Brandi: I love you guys! You two are my best friends and you're so awesome. I love how we can have a whole day planned out and then the most fun we'll have is walking out to the car or buying underwear. Haha. You two are just amazing and I hope to eat cheese with you one day. Oh, and he will have sex with you. ;)

I realized I became too dependent on Brad. I thought I needed him so much for...everything. Like I couldn't function without him. I don't want to rely on anyone like that ever again. It was so unhealthy for me and just didn't work.

Now, I can do what I want. I can hang out with who I want, talk to who I want, etc etc. And I love that. With my next relationship I don't want that to change. I don't want to see him every day or feel like I need to. I want to have trust and freedom and that's how it's going to be, because I won't settle for anything less. He's either going to lie to me or tell me the truth. So, why try to control him or call him every minute to see what he's doing?

I have decided I am not going to college. Yup, how do you like that? I've thought it all out and I know it'd be a big waste of money and time for me, because I'm stupid. Seriously. I'm going to try and find a trade school to learn something specific or just get an office job. I'd also still like to do photography on the side. So, yay.. I'm one of those stupid kids that doesn't go to college. What are you gonna do about it?

Anyway.
Let's see what happens with my life.
I'm excited.

8 huh | what

:: 2005 8 November :: 11.19pm

Maybe I'll try to not care so much. Sometimes that helps. Inside I still care as much or even more, but if I don't show it, it takes aways some of the pain. That's not healthy but I don't really know what else to do and I have to feel better. I may just fall off the planet for a day (tomorrow). It's been a long day. You aren't helping.

:: 2005 7 November :: 10.58pm

I wish you could just not be friends with that jerk. It's so not respectful. What's hanging around him going to do to you? Friends do think alike. Oh well. There's nothing I can do but sit back. And....hurt.
On another note, I should have written my english paper tonight but eh. Laguna Beach. And hanging out. LC BETTER not get back with Jason. UGH. And my puppy ran away today but then he came back. Long day tomorrow. . . g'night.

:: 2005 7 November :: 2.34pm

Well today was so busy. I had to take the skin off 56 red snapper and truss 3 bags of whole chickens. but now i have to go becca called

:: 2005 6 November :: 5.01pm

ugh. colds suck. i think i have some papers to type but oh well. I was supposed to hang out w/Erin and some other people from class tonight. Eh...i'm sick. Everything else is going pretty well.

:: 2005 6 November :: 4.15pm

Makes me laugh every time.
That's fucked uuup!

When in Rome.

3 huh | what

:: 2005 5 November :: 12.56pm

Rest in Peace, Tim.
This is for you and your family, Kelly.
Read more..

5 huh | what

:: 2005 5 November :: 11.23am
:: Music: Against Me!

Blah, blah, blah.
This is what happens when you people let me get bored. Look what you've done!
Read more..

:: 2005 3 November :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday

Illumination

Want to hear a crazy story?

I was at school for over 13 hours today.
The end.

Working in the auditorium is so much fun. Whether it's play practice or doing lights and stuff, it's awesome. I'm definitely working the tech crew during the musical, and any other times I'm able to. I might like it enough to want to go to college for it.

I'm so tired..goodnight.

:: 2005 2 November :: 6.19pm

I don't know about things anymore.
I feel like I lost my place where I could run to and be safe.

What am I supposed to do?
I wish I had some idea.

Be single apparently.

12 huh | what

stinko

:: 2005 2 November :: 2.13pm

waitin for class.
waitin for a bass.
hummin a tune.
hummin with a loon.
thinking of you.
thinking at schoo.

i was always so close to you and now you are an hour away. ill make you pay for this i swear it.
well, actually i wont because i just love you and if i harm you at all you wont come back anymore. you will just hang out with your crazy mom, and your fat necked brother, and magoon mcscaryface, and orangy.

i have pickles. i have a cute brother. i have pretty hair. i have vh1. i have a family that thinks gay marrage is a good idea. i have a really cute boyfriend with a disease that makes him even more needy and cute. i have so much to offer you. i have good food, and stools so you can reach the counter to eat it. i have love.

but as of right now i don't have you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im so sad.

5 huh | what

:: 2005 2 November :: 6.56am

I hope you're ok.
Last night was hard.
But, I made it. I'm waiting for it all to be over so I can be normal again.

I can't wait for Friday.

:: 2005 1 November :: 4.52pm
:: Music: Ani Difranco

Today was a good day.
I'm reading some of my old entries and oh my God.. I was an idiot. It's so funny how only a month or so after you read something you can't believe you were so fucking stupid.

I'm changing and I think all this shit that has happened was for the best. I'm not doing as bad as I thought I would, at all. It's insane how well I am taking everything. I'm either gonna glide through this or it's gonna hit me later. I just know right now things are fine.

I know how I feel and all I hope is plans run smoothly from here on out.

Oh, and don't worry, sweety.. no one can ruin my life when I'm only 17 years old. Try at a later time. ;)

I love you Erika!

8 huh | what

:: 2005 1 November :: 1.13pm

Did anyone happen to see a blue tow-truck that looked like a pickup truck yesterday? The creepiest thing happened...

:: 2005 1 November :: 1.05pm

Ugh. Why are you being crappy? Whatever.

Things have been going good. I don't have to work this week. Art/Bev's is fun. Charlie is still really awesome. I can't wait.
Mom's surgery went really well. They took out some of her skull. :-( And stuff. Not like anyone really cares. But I do. I cried at the hospital last night and Charlie held me. I just don't like seeing her hurt. She was so out of it and her head was all bandaged up. You know, doctors are human, and they make a lot of mistakes. That's why I get so worried. But hopefully she'll be better now.
That's about it for now... Oh yeah, and I totally passed my Nutrition exam and my NRA (nat. restuarant association) test. Not the gun club test. blah. I'm so bored.
Come to Art & Bev's tomorrow we're open.

4 huh | what

:: 2005 1 November :: 6.58am

Reminder.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

Death Cab for Cutie - Someday You Will Be Loved

:: 2005 31 October :: 10.22pm
:: Music: Northstar - Rocket City

Correct; Kiss, Flash, Fondle.

Studying has never been so much fun. I'm really starting to enjoy biology, or at least, the process I've designed to learn it with.

I must make a stop at the local library pretty soon. I really want to read. Hm...I need a library card.

:: 2005 30 October :: 8.16pm

Today didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would.
I just have to stay busy.. hah.
Tomorrow I'll be a wreck.
Hopefully I can just be ok again. I'm staying strong and remembering not to miss him, but miss what we used to have. Which was months ago. And I can have it again, it'll just take time.
So much for everything.

I'll be fine.

:: 2005 30 October :: 12.19pm

Well, I'm single.
He broke up with me, so for once I don't have to feel like the bitch.
It hurts. I'm crying, but I can't let it get to me like last time.
I haven't seen him for a week and I have been fine, it's just hard now that it's official. But, me being fine and having a good week without him shows I don't need him. I just feel like I do now that it's a for sure thing that we're done.
But, whatever. I'm young. I have to meet new people and just live right now. I don't need a guy to be a happy person. I need freedom and no one to answer to. I need to just be independent and not get depressed over this.
We had our good times. He was my first for a lot of things, but our relationship has died. We've both been miserable and it's better to end it now than later. And as hard as I tried I couldn't get over being with someone who cheated on me.
Yes, I'll miss him, but I'll live.
I need to hang out with someone tonight, because as much as I don't want to feel alone right now I do.

3 huh | what

:: 2005 29 October :: 1.34pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes

Ani Difranco - Fuel
They were digging a new foudation in Manhattan
and they discovered a slave cemetary there.
May their souls rest easy
now that lynching is frowned upon,
and we've moved on to the electric chair.
And I wonder who's gonna be president? Tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?
And who's gonna have the big blockbuster box office this summer?
How about we put up a wall between houses and the highway
and you can go your way, and I can go my way.

Except all the radios agree with all the tv's,
and the magazines agree with all the radios!
And I keep hearing that same damn song everywhere I go! [hahaha]
Maybe I should put a bucket over my head!
And a marshmallow in each ear!
And stumble around for
another dumb-numb week..
waiting for another hum-drum hit song to appear.

People used to make records,
as in a record of an event.
The event of people.
Playing music. In a room.

Now everything is cross-marketing.
It's about sunglasses and shoes,
or guns and drugs,
you choose.
We got it rehashed.
We got it half-assed.
We're digging up all the graves
and we're spitting on the past.

And you can choose between the colors
of the lipstick on the whores
'cause we know the difference between
the font of 20% more!
And the font of teriakiyi, you tell me..
How does it make you feel?
You tell me what's real.

And they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
even when they're as dry as my lips, for years.
Even when they're stranded on a small, desert island
with no place within 2,000 miles to buy beer!
And I wonder..
Is he different?-
Is he different?-
Has he changed? What's he about?
Or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?

Am I headed for the same brick wall?
Is there anything I can do about anything at all?
Except go back to that corner in Manhattan
and dig deeper, dig deeper this time.
Down beneath the impossible pain of our history,
beneath unknown bones,
beneath the bedrock of the mystery.
Beneath the sewage systems and the path drain,
beneath the cobblestones and the water mains!
Beneath the traffic of friendships and street deals,
beneath the screeching of kamikaze cab wheels!
Beneath everything I can think of to think about,
beneath it all, beneath all get out!!
Beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel..

There's a fire just waiting for fuel.
There's a fire just waiting for fuel.
There's a fire just waiting for fuel.
There's a fire just waiting for fuel.

1 huh | what

:: 2005 29 October :: 11.29am

We could not be doing any worse right now.

I feel like this is the end.