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:: 2004 9 June :: 10.50pm
:: Mood: little foolish/little amused

well, that was amusing
I was a bit insane today, I'm sorry bout that, but I'm just living up the last few days at Sac for some reason, might not see anyone for months, might not see some people ever again, so I'm just screwing around as much as I can, like I said sorry
what's there to say about it I guess, kinda fun doing a bit of idiotic dancing, but I did make a fool of myself really
glad I could have a bit of fun, glad some issues could finally be resolved, and glad it's over really ... that's that

:: 2004 6 June :: 2.23am
:: Mood: unable to pin down
:: Music: How To Win Friends And Influence People, Everclear

life, love, here and now
it's all laid out on a path before us and what we do with it is decided at every turn
maybe the best thing to do is to close your eyes, sing a tune, and wander into the endless road, wish for the happy end, and see what we get at the end when we have to open our eyes

:: 2004 5 June :: 2.04pm

Haha...yesterday i was babysitting and Cyler walked by, and it was funny cuz the baby was butt naked..and Cyler was like, "Yea...that baby doesn't have any clothes on.."

It was amusing..

2 did | Tell me

:: 2004 5 June :: 3.41am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Tristessa, The Smashing Pumpkins

Ah fuck it ...
I fucked up
I fucked up really bad
I had a really bad week, I felt like a jackass for everything, even that stuff that wasn't my fault
now I'm alone again
not for long, but I'm alone right now
and I feel like shit
I need vacation, I really need it, very badly
I need to get away from all these ... people
FUCK, I can't get away
it's not a big problem I know, but I'm antisocial, I'm not used to people and all of a sudden they're all over
and bad shit is happening
and I just need to get away

of course there are a few people I care about who I'll try to keep in contact with
but for now I just need some solitude and quiet to ... just to think, and write, and work
I need to get away, and the weekend doesn't look much better ...

2 did | Tell me

:: 2004 29 May :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Taking Over Me, Evanescence

few things about the day
I like cooking in this house ... it's very difficult
the serch for some clean dishes, seeing how much a plate can be like a frying pan ... using very basic things to make a good meal
making sure things aren't so old they'll kill you
I managed to make a good sized, filling and tasty meal out of some butter, some hard ... cold wheat bread, three slices of ham, a shoddy and dirty frying pan and some aged but not yet moldy cheese ... very good

I went up to Colville today, I love that no matter where you are there's always a great view of hills covered in lush green trees
went down to a little hole in the wall occult shop that just opened up and got some incense ... and had an hour long conversation with the owner about crystal frequencies, empire building in America and possible ethnic breakup and fall, totalitarianism moving into America through the contradictions of our democeracy, and the relative truths of people like Orwell and Huxley ... very interesting person
while I think these things happen and that's just it some people get really freaked out and defensive about small business, and only haul themselves aways from society, this guy was like that and that's the on;y thing I didn't like, he was a little to cautious and seemed to have given up
but a good time none the less
the house is (after a year) almost up to perfection, all wired, fixed up, moved in and gardened ... nice place
I'm going to go see about some more food now and to all a good three day vacation

1 did | Tell me

:: 2004 27 May :: 7.22pm

Nate and Vivi are over...

Yep..mmhmm....

1 did | Tell me

:: 2004 26 May :: 11.40am
:: Mood: touched

[What She Doesn't Know Will Kill You by Matt Brochu]:

You met her a few months ago, and somehow she managed to seep into your subconscious like that "Suga how you get so fly" song. Just like you have no clue who the hell sings it, you don't know why she's there. But she is, whether you like it or not. You know her cell phone, her room phone. You can dial her Aunt Doreen's house in West Springfield (where she goes to do her laundry every two weeks) faster than you can peck-out 911. But she doesn't know.

Her screenname, that generic one with her first name followed by three to five random numbers or UMass, has its own category at the top of your buddy list. Not only do you know what a "Buddy Alert" is, you've rigged your computer to play "Fat Guy in a Little Coat" from "Tommy Boy" every time her screen name changes from gray to black. Then her away message comes down, and you have a decision to make. To IM or not to IM? These are the ridiculous games that you play on a daily basis. But she doesn't know.

She's it. All right, so maybe not "it" it. Not necessarily Ms. Right, but closer to Ms. Right-up-there-with-Anna-Kournikova-and-Lizzie-McGuire-on-your-list-of-people-you'd-give-anything-to-be-stranded-with-on-a-broken-down-elevator. But it's about more than that. When is it ever about more than that? Never. Not like frilly white dress, overpriced catering, embarrassing drunk in-laws more, but closer to UMass sweatpants, two D.P. Dough Roni Zonies, a futon and a movie you have no interest in seeing more. But she doesn't know.

She's gorgeous, but gorgeous is an understatement. More like you're startled every time you see her because you notice something new in a "Where's Waldo" sort of way. More like you can't stop writing third grade run-on sentences because you can't remotely begin to describe something ... someone ... so inherently amazing. But you're a writer. You can describe anything. That's what you do: pictures to words, events to words, words to even better words. But nothing seems right. More like you're afraid that if you stare at her for too long, you'll prove your parents right: that yes, your face will stick that way. But you wouldn't mind.

You wouldn't mind that the questioning, "Hello?" on the other end makes you want to smile and throw up at the same time. You wouldn't mind worrying about what to get her for her birthday and spending $300 when you only have $17.50 and a Triple-A card to your name. You wouldn't mind that she left your TV on and the blaring infomercials wake you up at 4 a.m. ... because it gives you a chance to watch her sleep. You don't mind that you've slipped up twice when you were hammered and hinted at how you feel, but she was too drunk to remember. So she doesn't know.

Sure, she's pretty, but it's about more than that. You two connect. Anything you throw at her, she can throw right back. You figured out what's going on in that predictable head of hers in under five minutes, but something tells you her heart would take about five years.

You remember everything she's ever said to you, and when that freaks her out you blame it on your photographic memory (which is a lie, you have a 2.7 GPA). You can't remember your teaching assistant's name, and you can't remember that your Puffton rent check was due four days ago, yet you remember the middle name of the kid who tripped her in fifth grade and gave her that cute little scar on her shoulder. Maybe it's because you actually listen when she talks. When do you actually listen? Never. But she doesn't know.

But she has a boyfriend. The kid is a tool, and you are not. He has no redeeming qualities, and you have about 38, even when you're hung over. You could kick his butt, and you've never been in a fight in your life. He treats her like crap, and you would treat her like the princess she believed herself to be on Halloween in 1988.

But she loves him. He wouldn't know what he had even if she slapped him across the face and dumped him, but somehow she still loves him. And somehow she still doesn't know.

Then, out of nowhere, she slaps him across the face and dumps him. She comes to you. You've been there before, so you seem like the smartest guy on earth. She cries, but your corny half-joke, half-compliment somehow gets a smile out of her that almost makes you feel ashamed that you're the only one around who gets to witness it. It looks like you might make her realize that all guys don't deserve to have rocks thrown at them.

But nothing changes. She doesn't know. You get that library elevator feeling in your stomach that she'll never know. You get that feeling that you'll be forced to write a cheesy Collegian column about her that makes "Sleepless in Seattle" look like "Girls Gone Wild."

You go to sleep. You wake up. She doesn't know. You're not in love. You're not obsessed. You blame it on the fact that you just need to get some, but still, it's about more than that. It would just be nice if once in your life, things worked out the way you wanted them to.

So ___________, it's about time you know.

Now cut this out, fill in her name, and give it to her, coward. Just let me know how it works out.

:: 2004 25 May :: 9.02pm

Mark says to me:

"Obviously the road to happiness is paved with sugar ..."

Its so great!

1 did | Tell me

:: 2004 25 May :: 12.23am
:: Mood: tranquil
:: Music: Science Fiction, Everclear

I would suggest you read all this if you even look at it
it took me a while to get that word, tranquil
it's not how I feel
there is no word for how I feel right now
because it has never been something that could be expressed in any way but by feeling
as language has simply lacked the skill to truely convey any emotion outside of a vauge understanding of a term
and so the closest word I can come up with is tranquil
it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth

A man (and I use man instead of person as it is easier to type so do not jump at me) is made up of so many things
In total he is made up of a few key points
what life makes of him
what he makes of life
and what he truely is

what a man makes of life and what life makes of him
this is nothing more than perception on both parts, but a man cannot gauge himself and neither can that outside a man gauge him
A man is his thought and his soul and not this
not the body he is carried in
that is physical that is real and what we see, what we feel and hear
the body is an instrument to help us gain ourselves in full
we are the mind and the soul I think
we are the collective thoughts and feelings
we are the values we stick to and the ideas we form for those create preception
these create our image and these create our vision
but only the mind can process all this and only the soul can hold all this
our memory and our experience in this body is what allows us to be
what allows us to feel
and with such an ability comes dred
to us that is change and that is choice
the change is waht keeps us in misery
we learn and we see and we move through life and what we see and hear
that makes life, that makes different oppinions and different ideas
and in the end only god (and I say this being a Buddhist, not believing in the entity) who created a vision
he is lucky in that while we were made in his vision in his image all his ideas are set in form
the alpha and the omega in this plane as we are but part of his brain child
he is the luckiest being as he has created all, therefore seen and forseen all and is self-defined
a luxery most will never have, knowing who one is in a world of change where he is the alpha and the omega ... the only sure thing
or so I read
and the choice
we need the choice to live
to see
to be humans
we have humanity and therefor we are human
this is who and what we are, creatures who are put higher up because of the curse of choice which keeps us out of pure will
there is always choice and this can be meddelsome

and right to the point
things will change and we will face choices
but in the face of modernization and of temptation a man must stay himself
new ways come about each day in which we can and some do blind themselves in choice of material and in choice of perfection
instead of the choice we enjoy as a curse they take a road which leads to inhumanity
this is evil
conformation ... thoughtless following ... servitude against choice
one must stay true to what they believe and follow through in the face of temptation and if they do not who are they but a thoughtless drone
a magpie of the industrial world
they are no longer human once they have thrown away soul and mind and humanity in favor of prosperity
fuck perfection and god save humanity
a man may not know for sure who he is but he knows some of what he thinks
and even if he only has one tiny grasp on himself he must not let go of this
he must hang onto what he is and what he believes and never work straight through his notions
a man must never let go

or he is not a man at all ....
he has left mind, soul and humanity and all that is human far behind
and to those who cannot grasp this ... and to those who can ... good luck

and to those who think this is pure horseshit ... so be it, good luck

I'm around and if you care to hear a person's thoughts ... here I am

I am Mark Hay, not many say that full name even to me ... I am Mark Hay and I have some amount of ideas and conceptions ... and I will not let them go

and the supreme ruler of all conceptions in my mind is to be here for anyone who needs me ... and to always be as great a help as I can be

I am Mark Hay and I'm around ...

1 did | Tell me

:: 2004 23 May :: 11.46pm
:: Mood: depressed/alone
:: Music: Ruby Tuesday, The Rolling Stones

At least I have McJagger's toung
i'm feeling very depressed
Alone
Unappreciated
I mean, shit, can life just give me one break?
I've got my friends, they're most all I've got ...
But I'm a decent person aren't I?
I know life isn't fair and bad things can happen to good people, but it doesn't mean it can't piss me off
At least I have what I have I guess
But I mean come on, it's not just that life can't give me a break
It's that life can't even give them a break
If I had my choice, I'd take my lot, but at least let them be fine
It's like sarrow and depression follow me around ...

:: 2004 21 May :: 8.25pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: none

My god it's spokane's friggen storm of the cnetury!
A tornado ... hah

1 did | Tell me

:: 2004 20 May :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: thankful
:: Music: She's a Rainbow, The Rolling Stones

good enough day
today has been good enough
spent some time in the rain
got the new phone
got Forty Licks (yay)
Got that reserch done, and everything's under control
I'm fine, not stressed, and just moving around in this dazed and confused (also a great song Jimmy Page is great) world
so ... nothing is new and I had a long, slow day ... that's nice

1 did | Tell me

:: 2004 20 May :: 2.02am
:: Music: Ain't It Fun, Guns N' Roses

My god, I got an ending
I think I figured out how to end it
I like what I'm thinking of
and now I'm rambling
But ... I know how I'm going to end the story, now I can finish the middle

:: 2004 19 May :: 9.55pm

I will find out what Brandon's dad said about me. I will.

:: 2004 18 May :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: I really just don't know
:: Music: Diggin' This, Nickelback

sometimes I just feel so alone
let's face it, I am fairly alone, I spend my time alone, I almost live alone, and even if I know all these people, I'm still alone
I'm a lonely person, a very sad and lonely person in all honesty
I'm a cameo when it comes right down to it
I appear, I play my small part in your lives, but someday, be it short or long, I'll slide into your memory
can't put your arms around a memory
sometimes I feel very alone
and as far as I can see it's not far from the truth

and now I'm gonna pull myself together
I'm gonna get up tomarrow, put on a stoic face, brace myself, go out into the world, face people, things, words, ideas
alot of painful things I wish I could escape
at the end of the day I'll be tired and drained and someday I'll just run out of energy and I know it
But for now I can wake up, put on a plain face
Go out, make my cameo appearance, and see what good I can do for all of you before ...

I slip away

:: 2004 17 May :: 9.33pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Wake Up, Rage Against The Machine

I need to write again
By seperation of cultures we seek to widen gaps, to strike wedges in between already widening rifts in race and idea
By bias we have done this in nature but if there is one thing I think humans might have learned by now it's that you just don't fuck with nature
By nature we are bigots and there is the strife and the conflict and unbalance needed to be mortal and man
But with the creation of politically forced opinions we have in recent centuries sought to widen the rift that was slowly growing and healing
By the creation of state religion we have in past times sought to drive one of the few natureal balances beyond it's limit
We cease to grasp similarities between religions as we are vying for the name and the ideas of a diety and a savior and the likes
We wish our god(s) to be right in order that we be right and then we force this through state, through war and through all manners that widen rifts in class, culture, and race, ultimately creating a rupture in the fabric of humanity which can never be healed
We may have been able to stop this, the beginning of equality in recent years has been a step for this, but where does one draw a line between equality and right and wrong?
We go for all the stops in the fight for equality and in the end destroy even more with this bigotry on steroids tactic of forcing our own ideas which in turn prompts greater resistance from the opponents of an idea and leads to the general destruction of the coexistance of man
Also the media has found its way into the play
What was once split by class and by idea is now split by cultural expectations beyond that of bigotry
We have through the images cultivated in media forms all over created smaller factions and smaller sects of certian styles and beliefs
We seperated religion
We seperated class
We seperated color
We seperated ethnicity
We seperated ideas
Now we seek to split this down and down through cultural images, through styles and through even more geography
It is almost as if we have started running through the lists of segregation once more by the creation of ablolute freedom
Some restriction is needed in equality for if you cannot drawn a line soon so many factions will exist as to seperate every man into a group and to place his a a distant other
This rift is known as the downfall of civilization, most commonly thought to happen in westren civilization and I can see that as we are the ones who at times press the rift the most in a seeking of the equality which we push far to hard for because of the seperation that led to this chaos, that of religion and class
This will be our downfall, humanity has managed to tear down this equilibrium and will continue to widen the gap until no hope remains of the balance being returned
That seems to be human nature, to destroy equilibrium and to maintain the sort of self destructive tendencies (concious or not) that will eventually lead to the end, to armageddon, the apoclypse, the end in which god will come down in one way or another and right things (I speak figuratively myself)
The end cannot happen as there is no definitive end ... but it will be like pushing the restart button, and maybe getting things right
The End Is Not An End

:: 2004 17 May :: 9.09pm
:: Mood: headachey
:: Music: Rocket, Smashing Pumpkins

I need to write alot ... alot
I'm liking Brave New World by Huxley
his writing sounds nearly like he's been there and he's actually writing out what he saw, ans not in the usual sense ... but his writing is .... real
some kind of balanced mix between prose and poetry
some kind of mix between two artforms which he has balanced out so to create a slow moving but ... enveloping style of writing which I find myself occasionally using
the story's good too, I am the thought of the twins process and all the pavlovian ideas, it just might work, and all the thoghts on class altering, hypnosis and whatnot
socialism does seem to be something that would work to build some kind of structured society that would function in a proper equilibrium ... problem being that it must be kept in check of human emotions which seem in themselves to be a ... antibody to equilibrium, in 1984 there is the fear and the suffering and the power of the party so you must do what you must do, and they will kill you someday in one sense or another, but they will drive the you out of you
Brave New World, seperating the classes by brainwashing and creating impulses to love what one is made to do is a more fair and prosperous all be it more time and energy consuming process, but it works very well
and in equilibrium, the very destruction of emotion is a sure way to destroy the hunter of equilibrium, crahing down all threat but the human urge for unbalance
that is waht we seem to be
creatures who strive for unbalance, for emotion and for pain and suffering, we seem to some extent to enjoy and thrive on this emotion, we need it to live by, to work by
emotion and unbalance is in truth what makes us human
without such pains and greviances we would be no more than ants on a larger scale
we would be industrious creatures, working in self sustanation and continual labor, maintaining everything and living life .... listlessly
everything would just be ... bestial
there would be no more feeliung if such equilibrium were to be achevied ... there would only be industry
tell me which is better, being able to preserve the planet for good, being advanced and at a stand still and living at high standards, being in a state of ... utopia, but with segregation, without morals and feelings. Or would you rather live life with love, pain, emotion and ideas and equality, bias on many levels? I want to live this way.
Socialism is the perfect way to create man as an animal, but not in the sense that we see animal, but in the sense that an animal is a creature who does no damage to the earth in its enviornment, who manages itse;f, with minimal thought or feeling
not as savage brutes as we may now be ... it accomplishes productivity and equality
it also banishes all that we feel and love deep and down into our souls
to create this equilibrium would be to destroy humanity which is in essence the lack of a balance due to idea, emotion, nature, destruction
fuck perfection, I like this better than that, though it is utopia

3 did | Tell me

:: 2004 15 May :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: grr
:: Music: Heart-shaped Box, Nirvana

well, she never called me back, kinda a pisser, but I should guess that the one weekened of the month I'm in Spokane she's not around
oh well, yeah

so things have been fairly uneventful
as usual
not much to say, I think that's just the way I am, I don't write down any profound things in this journal, or any jewels of wisdom because, well I just can't write them down
you got questions I answer them at my best ability, but I need to answer questions I guess, I answer, I don't explain

so .... anyone got any questions at all and want my input ... fire away

4 did | Tell me

:: 2004 14 May :: 6.12pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: Very Ape, Nirvana

there hasn't been much to say
maybe there has, but I'm the only one who's interested in that, don't ask
Things have been going very slowly ... well, blurry fast, but seems like slowly in a sense ... good to be here in the basement ... even if the bathroom is flooded with shit water right now
I might actually do something entertaining this weekened, so yay
yeah ... how's everyone else?

1 did | Tell me

:: 2004 12 May :: 9.47pm
:: Mood: Just Marklike
:: Music: Don't Cry, Guns N' Roses

Here I am cruled up on my floor in a fetal position
Thank god for laptops

This is a great song, gotta put this on repeat
Oh, by the way Mandy, you're welcome, stop thanking me
... Music is great, I'm a rock whore ....

I feel like just talking
I always feel like talking
That's one reason I'm "not like most guys"
alot of people have said that
.... oh well

so on to the rant ...
I think I might run a repost of my opinion on various people as more have come into play and some have changed about a bit in recent events
Mandy, I won't forget to post about you this time
God, I love this song

I'm ready for isolation ... I've set it all up for isolation
Yet at the same time here I am getting ... un ... isolated
I'm not used to this
I'm not used to people
I'm not used to being cared about or liked

I've been alone for so long, just observing
I've been on the sidelines, always watching and listening
That's how I live, I listen
... and now I'm in what I watched
sucked into another world
Pulled out of hell and into limbo

Here is a new chapter of my life
Of which all in this journal and all of last year has been an intro and a prologue

I took a walk in Manito tonight
very nice walk .... just thought I'd mention it while I'm ranting
Just ended up in the rose garden and the lilac garden like usual .... always nice
Found out why one of the small paths isn't used anymore, damn thorns

I've listened to this song twice now ... so I think that's enough of a rant ... I'm gonna go sleep

2 did | Tell me

:: 2004 10 May :: 10.21am
:: Mood: same as last
:: Music: Dumb, Nirvana

well, ran across this one
and every now and then I feel like filling one out
it's like I have some obligation to keep them going or something
plus it's monday morning and I'm pretty fucking bored
and I will delete any I really don't wanna answer

��* B A S I C | Q U E S T I O N S *��

[001] Name: Mark
[002] Middle name: Edward (vomits)
[003] Gender: Male
[004] Birthday: July 23rd
[005] Height: 5'8" I think
[006] Hair color: just black with a hint of brown in the light
[007] Eye color: Dark brown
[008] Nationality: Scottish (but not for about 150 years), German (three generations ago I think), with some French
[009] Is your hair long or short: down to my eyes?
[010] Siblings: none
[011] Zodiac sign: Leo
[012] How many languages do you know: Only English, some German and I will lear more
[013] Status: Single
[014] Piercings you have: None
[015] Piercings you want: none
[016] Tattoos you have: None
[017] Tattoos you want: none (ain't I boring)
[018] Today's date: 5/10/04
[019] Time of day: 10:27 AM

��* S C H O O L *��

[020] Are you still in school: Yes
[021] Did you drop out: No
[022] Favorite grade: let's wait and see
[023] Least favorite grade: like I said, let's wait and see
[024] Favorite teacher : same as last two
[025] Least favorite teacher: same as last three
[026] Favorite subject: Social Studies
[027] Least favorite subject: Math
[028] Do/did you buy lunch or bring it: I eat lunch?
[029] Play any sports on the school's team: No
[030] Are/were you popular: HELL NO
[031] Most humiliating moment: I repress that stuff

��* F A V O R I T E *��

[032] Number: 253
[033] Clothing brand: None
[034] Shoes: my combat boots
[035] Saying: "Life's a giant shit machine but it's not a giant shit"
[036] Tv show: Late Night With Conan O'Brian is pretty funny
[037] Sport: I don't favor any
[038] Vegetable: Carrot
[039] Fruit: Pear
[040] Movie: Equilibrium ... and some others
[041] Magazine: don't read magazines except in waiting rooms
[042] Candy: Crunch or something ... crunchy
[043] Gum: anything
[044] Scent: spring rain
[045] Ice cream flavor: mint
[046] Color: black
[047] Season: Autumn
[048] Holiday: St. Patricks Day
[049] Type of music: Rock (punk, grunge, metal)
[050] Thing in your room: my floor?
[051] Band: Nirvana
[052] Books: Picture of Dorian Gray, His Dark Material Trilogy, Book of Revelations
[053] TV channel: 107 when I can get it
[054] Junk food: donno
[055] Overall food: pizza, buffalo chicken something like that
[056] Shoe brand: ...
[057] Fast food: is subway fast food?
[058] Restaurant: small Mexican restraunts, locally owned Diners
[059] Shape: lot's of squiggly lines
[060] Time of day: Dusk
[061] Country: Ireland
[062] State: Louisiana
[063] Boys name: Diggory or something Irish like
[064] Girls name: Felicity or something rooted in the English tradition
[065] Mall: I ... don't go to malls much, unless Michel drags me along
[066] Car: none
[067] Word: hi
[068] Month: October
[069] Disney character: donno
[070] Scary movie: Nightmare on Elm Street or Halloween (the first ones)

��* T H I S | T H A T *��

[071] Rock or rap: Rock
[072] Rock or pop: Rock
[073] Rock or r&b: Rock
[074] Rap or pop: AGH, won't choose
[075] Rap or r&b: no no no
[076] Rap or metal: Metal
[077] Pop or r&b: natta
[078] Pop or metal: Metal
[079] r&b or metal: Metal
[080] Selena or J.lo: Neither
[081] Hot or cold: Cold
[082] Winter or summer: Winter
[083] Spring or fall: Fall
[084] Shakira or Britney: neither
[085] MTV or VH1: MTV
[086] Football or basketball: Basketball
[087] Skiing or snowboarding: Snowboarding
[088] Rollerblading or skateboarding: Skatebording
[089] Black or white: Black
[090] Orange or red: Ornage
[091] Yellow or green: Green
[092] Purple or pink: Purple
[093] Inside or outside: depends on the weather
[094] Weed or alcohol: alcohol
[095] Cell phone or pager: Cell phone
[096] Powerpuff Girls or Charlie's Angels: ...
[097] Scooby doo or dino: ...
[098] Tattoos or piercinqs: neither
[099] Coke or pepsi: Pepsi
[100] Flowers or candy: flowers
[101] Tall or short: Tall

��* H A V E / W O U L D | Y O U | E V E R *��

[102] Pictured your crush naked?: No
[103] Actually seen your crush naked: No
[104] Been in love: in the sense that I cared deeply, doesn't mean it had to go anywhere
[105] Cried when someone died: no
[106] Drank alcohol: Yes
[107] Lied: Yes
[108] Eat crap for $1,000,000: No
[109] Steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: No
[110] Lie to the police: might have, ... yeah I think so
[111] Run from the police: No
[112] Lie to your parents: Yes
[113] Walk up to a stranger and kiss them: never have ... I might
[114] Walk out of a restaurant without paying: no, I'm a honset person about finance
[115] Flashed someone: ... not that I remember
[116] Told the person you liked how you felt: heh ... no
[117] Gone to jail or juvi: been there, never ina a cell
[118] Stolen anything: nothing big
[119] Wanted to kick my ass for making this so long: it keeps me busy
[120] Kicked someone's ass: yeah
[121] Broke a beer bottle: Yes
[122] Gotten into a bar, under-aged: ... should try it next time I'm in New Orleans
[123] Wanted someone of the same sex: No
[124] Gone on a road trip: Yes
[125] Gone on vacation without adult supervision: Yes
[126] Been to a concert: Yes ... not a good one, they were all crap
[127] Been to another country: Yes
[128] Talked back to an adult: Yes
[129] Got pulled over: me personally no
[130] Got in a car accident: Yes
[131] Broke a law: Yes
[132] Given money to a homeless person: Yes
[134] Tried to kill yourself: gotten close, but talked myself down alot
[135] Cried to get out of trouble: no
[136] Kissed a friend's brother or sister: no
[137] Kissed a brother or sister's friend: no
[138] Dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways?: oh yeah

��* P R I V A T E *��

[139] Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: No
[140] Do you have a crush: maybe
[141] Do you love anyone right now: In the sense that I care much for them, but it's pleutonic
[142] Have you ever been in love: pleutonically
[143] How many people have you kissed: none
[144] Who was your first kiss: see last answer
[145] How many hearts have you broken: donno, don't think I'm really a heart breaker
[146] How many people broke your heart: ...
[147] Best quote to sum up love: Let's get the shit kicked out of us by this crazy emotion
[148] So what is your bf/gf/crush like: ... good personality, smart, quiet
[149] Do you have a picture of him/her: no
[150] Please post it if you do: ...
[151] Do you have a picture of yourself: Yes
[152] Please post it if you do: maybe if I get a new one
[153] Do you go by looks or personality: Both at times
[154] Ever kiss a friend: no
[155] Are you still friends: ...
[156] Do you smoke: no
[157] Do you smoke weed: no
[158] Crack, heroin, anything else: no
[159] Beer good or beer bad: beer good in amounts
[160] Are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: no
[161] Do you like smirnoff ice: haven't tried
[162] Prefer beer or liquor: beer
[163] What kind of cigarettes do you smoke: ...
[164] Are you a virgin: yeah
[165] If not, when was the last time you got some: ...

��* Y O U R | F R I E N D S *��

[166] Best friend: all of em really, I don't try to singel them out
[167] Known longest: Eric
[168] Wish you talked to more: Paul
[169] Wish you saw more: Michel
[170] How many friends do you think you have: donno
[171] Who drives you insane after a while: Saiki and Josh
[172] Who can you stay around forever and never get sick of: not forever ...
[173] Who's the friend you fight with most: actual physical fighting ... Josh, otherwise not much with anyone
[174] Craziest: Morgan
[175] Loudest: donno
[176] Shyest: Tierney
[177] Best hair: Mercades
[178] Can always make you laugh: ... I don't laugh much do I?
[179] Best eyes: ...
[180] Best body: not gonna say
[181] Most athletic: Saiki
[182] Most impatient: donno
[183] Shortest: Eric
[184] Tallest: Paul
[185] Talented: donno
[186] Best singer: no one ever sings around me
[187] Skinniest: Mandy
[188] Nicest: Pat
[189] Best personality: I have twisted views of good personality ... Pat
[190] Biggest drug user: John I guess
[191] Makes you laugh the most: I don't laugh much
[192] Makes you smile: Tori, Logan, Mandy
[193] Gives you a funny feeling when you see them: ?
[194] Easier to talk to: boys or girls: Girls

��* P R E F S *��

[195] Pepsi/Coke: Pepsi
[196] Cats/Dogs: dogs
[197] Singing/Dancing: singing ... badly
[198] Sleep/No sleep: sleep
[199] Math/English: english
[200] Internet/Phone: internet
[201] Eminem/50 Cent: neither
[202] Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla
[203] Snow/Sun: Snow
[204] Love/Hate: Love
[205] Ketchup/Mustard: both
[206] Short/Tall: Tall
[207] School/Home: neither ... Manito?
[208] Shower/Bath: shower
[209] Gamecube/Xbox: ... PS2?
[210] Christmas/Easter: Christmas
[211] Drugs/No drugs: No drugs for me
[212] Dark/Light: Dark
[213] Night/Day: Night
[214] Ocean/Pool: Ocean

��* W H A T | D I D | Y O U | D O *��

[215] Last birthday: walked around with Eric, Tori and Morgan then went to dinner and a movie with Michel
[216] Yesterday: did some yard work, wrote a bit, watched a movie
[217] Last weekend: same as last
[218] Christmas: sat around with Baolu, Peter and a fake tree
[219] Thanksgiving: went to Seattle, Helen ... hope she's doin alright
[220] New year's: went into Spokane, Mo was gonna play at first night but Alex got sick so just stayed in the hotel with the speakers and stuff, ordered some food and had some sparkeling wine
[221] Halloween: sat around, watched a horror movie
[222] Easter: Mo was over, he cooked an omlet
[223] Valentine's day: created this journal and ate chocolate

��* T H E | L A S T *��

[224] Thing you ate: Brownie and hard boiled egg
[225] Thing you drank: water
[226] Thing you wore: bathrobe and boxers
[227] Thing you said to someone: "I hope that was on sale ... because we should not blow money on lepord prints"
[228] Thing you got pierced/tattooed: none
[229] Person you saw: Mo and mum
[230] Person you hugged: .... long while, one of my friends I guess
[231] Thing that made you cry: ... can't remember
[232] Person you talked to: Mandy
[233] Person you fucked: hahaha
[234] Person you poked: I don't poke
[235] Person you instant messaged: Mandy
[236] Person you laughed with: Eric?

��* N O W *��

[237] What are you eating: nothin
[238] What are you drinking: notta
[239] What are you wearing: boxers and a t shirt
[240] Any shoes on: barefoot
[241] Hair: half of it seems to be standing up, half in my eyes
[242] Listening to: Smashing Pumpkins by now
[243] Talking to anyone: Mandy went away
[244] Are you pissed I made this so long: keeps me busy

��* O P I N I O N S *��

[245] What do you think... about pop music: It can fuck itself in hell
[246] About boy bands: ditto
[247] About flag burning: fine with me
[248] Of the war on terrorists: fuck Bush
[249] About suicide: something that is around and is kinda sad ... but is
[250] About abortion: their choice
[251] Where do you think you'll be in 10 years: either in College, or in New York, somewhereabouts
[252] Who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: Eric, Michel, Pat

��* Y E S | N O *��

[253] Are you a vegetarian: no
[254] Do you like cows: to eat
[255] Are you a bitch: bastard might be a better term
[256] Are you artistic: I write
[257] Do you write poetry: not much
[258] Are you a fast runner: faster than quite a few people, you wouldn''t guess by looking at me
[259] Can you ski: No
[260] Are you British: heh, no, but sometimes when I mumbel I sound like it
[261] Are you straight: far as I know
[262] Are you stupid: hell yah
[263] Are you fat: I got some fat on me, but got some muscle too
[264] Are you short: medium
[265] Are you tall: medium
[266] Do you own a hot pink shirt: no
[267] How about orange pants? no
[268] Are you evil: on occasion
[269] Is Britney a whore: yeah
[270] Am I annoying you: not yet
[271] Are you secretly from another planet: maybe
[272] Did you ever touch someone else's private parts: no ... now you're annoying me

��* F I N A L | Q U E S T I O N S *��

[283] I want: for them to be happy
[284] I wish: things could be right
[285] I love: my friends
[286] I miss: ... I don't know ... alot
[287] I fear: alienation
[288] I hear: Meat Puppets
[289] I wonder: what I can do
[290] How do you know its love?: how do I?
[291] If you could be any kids character, who would you be: ?
[292] If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would you eat: pizza
[293] Do you remember any of your dreams: the fucked up ones
[294] Do you dream in color or black and white: color
[295] Do you admit when you need help with a problem: rarely
[296] Can people read you like a book: I can't read me
[297] What's your biggest fear: never finding equilibrium
[298] Do you talk a lot: sometimes
[299] Are you afraid of clowns: no
[300] Do you like spiders: no
[301] How about grape kool-aid: no
[302] Can you drive: is this a matter of can I or can I legally?
[303] Are you spoiled: not really, by choice
[304] Are you anti-social: alot
[305] Do you see dumb people: oh yes
[306] Do you see dead people: ... in the morgue
[307] Any last words: I think I'm gonna take a shower now
[308] Now that this is over, what are you going to do: shower and go to Spokane

:: 2004 10 May :: 10.19am
:: Mood: blurry and blah and ... sick
:: Music: Floyd the Barber, Nirvana

I had a very fucked up dream last night
I remember it ended with blake drilling a hole in my shoulder to send the lobster people back to hell
so what the hell did I eat to get that?
I feel sick and tired and in general like shit
At least I got today off
But I gotta go down to Spokane today
Maybe I'll get lunch someplace nice.... instead of eatin out of a can all day
Sounds nice ... ok, Mark, you'll do that

2 did | Tell me

:: 2004 9 May :: 9.16am
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: State of Grace/ Steve Via

Things have been weird for me
Kinda good ... but define good
Nothing I've hoped for has worked out but smaller things that have been bothering me have been working themselves out
I took a look back the other day, looked back a year ago when we were just making a bid on this house, we were still in the apartment, I had just met Mo andd gone up to Chewelah and Baolu adn't met my father yet
I looked back and thought about how alone, depressed and disgruntled I was
Then I went forward a year and realized that sometime around the end of January things started to go differently
Though I'm still the guy in the corner wearing all black the corner's gotten really crowded and many people passing by stop to look into the shadows
So I've got a few questions about this
Why now, why is my life seeming to go differently now?
Who am I now? I'm not the same person I was a couple years ago, I've changed a hell of alot and I barely notice
And if my karma has finally gotten up off its ass why is nothing improving in my life that I actually want to see improve?
It's weird
it's just not right

2 did | Tell me

:: 2004 1 May :: 9.29pm
:: Mood: earthy and content
:: Music: churp of some crickets in the background

I like to garden and that time of year is upon me, oh sweet sweet time
And it's the first planting time we've had in the new house so there's mcuh to be done
The earth is really gritty and clay like, not good for growing, plus the bastards before us put down alot of bark and gravel so I've had to put down alot of top soil

excuse the rant but I really enjoy gardening, I like getting down in the dirt and just ... digging into the earth and replacing the hard and arid soil with some nice plants (violets, tulips, roses, snap dragons, cherry trees, burning bushes, marigolds, bleeding hearts, mapels, ivy, cosmos, wildflowers, I just really enjoy it all) I like the gritty down to earth feel of it, really just the beautification and meticulious planning, and the work is actually amusing, and the product is great
gardening is my thing I guess, I'm ok at it, it's kinda expensive but it's what I do ... and it gives me some energy to deal with everything
I've got some great plans for the new place, down near the woodshed I'm thinkin of settin up some kinda wildflower garden to attract wildlife and ... I'm gonna have a good long lot of work in front of me, I'm hyped up about it ... I feel content in my garden

5 did | Tell me

:: 2004 30 April :: 11.50am
:: Mood: ughsplatz ... (kinda like your brain turned to jel
:: Music: For Martha, Smashing Pumpkins

Who and what the hell am I again
I want to go over some things that have been said about me, words I've caught and have been told about myself.
off his rocker, very interesting, shy, depressed, peachy, I don't know him to well, kinda sounds weird, scary, freakish, morbid, deranged, disturbed, smart, cool, weird, quiet, sweet, gloomy, different, nice, funny
I gotta ask ... who am I?
so many of these descriptions cannot coincide with eachoter, I'm a walking oxymoron ...
I mean, I am all these things in some peoples minds, and I don't know what I think about myself, so am I all this? am I less or more?
Am I merely that image of me which is displayed form the minds of others?
My thoughts and feelings are controled by the variable of others ... so why not my very being?
I am not what I make of myself, I am what people make of me ... and being me, that's alot to be ... it's draining and it's weird ... because I am me as they know me, but I am not the me that I don't know thereof, if that made any sense
I could go on and on about this ... page after page, but let's put it short
I don't know who the hell I am, what the hell I am ... I don't know me
no one knows me, there is no consensus on me, not even amoung strangers or frieds, so if I do not create me and others have not created me in full ... what am I?

if you wanna hear me rant more, just post I guess, I can rant for a long time, but I'm cutting myself off here and now

:: 2004 30 April :: 8.34pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Going Under, Evanescence

I got my DSL up in Chawela, yay.
It's been a shitty week though, and I'm glad to be up here in Chawela, isolated, doing yard work and just going around randomly ... good place
I hope the weekend is long, I'm just running out of energy ... god, I'm getting drained more and more each week ...
I hope I can last

:: 2004 27 April :: 3.53pm
:: Mood: blurry ... again
:: Music: the sweet sound of the beep of a new bit of hardware

well I got my wireless up and running again, so I'm back
this old things gonna die soon, but I'll end up spending a hell of alot of money on it while it's alive

that's beside the point, I've seen this in alot of journals, so I figured I'd bite the bullet and post it

i am - here ... now ... what more can I say?
i see - what I need to
i find - whatever I need to find
i want - to help, myself and others
i wish - I could help, but I really can do no more than I do
i hate - most people, except for a few who know who they are, but I'm not to fond of myself
i miss - my own hell, it was a bad place, but one I knew well, and I got uprooted suddenly
i fear - emotion, especially love, myself
i feel - very little
i hear - now, some music, evanescence I think
i smell - incense with a slight hint of lizard crap
i crave - meaning ... answers, but most of all ... nothing
i search - anything I can find
i wonder - aimlessly as a cameo
i care - about a few people, very much
i always - will care, forever
i am not - what they all make of me
i believe - in randomness, letting the tide carry me as it will
i cringe - at the sight of me
i dance - if the right person tells me to
i sing - like a subwoofer when I'm alone
i cry - internally only
i do not always - see
i succeed - in ways I don't care about
i fail - in everything I care about
i fight - for others happiness
i write - whatever comes out of my hand and head
i give - anything I can
i won - nothing
i lose - anything I hold dear
i never - want you to have to cry
i confuse - everything and everyone
i listen - to very few
i can usually be found - in my basement, back yard, internet
i hope - for your happiness
i expect - nothing
i need - you to be happy
i think - of others, of you

1 did | Tell me

:: 2004 26 April :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: It's alla blur
:: Music: Dazed and Confused, Led Zeppelin

I'm slipping
I'm going into one of my lapses
I don't know what caused it, but here I go
I'll sink down into a state of surreal blur
Everything passing by ... differently
Everything will seem weird and crisp and I'll feel like I'm wandering through a deep mist
I'll snap out of it, but for now I'm slipping in
Sorry for any weird things I may say or so, by weird, I mean weird for me
I'm just feeling blury
Agh

:: 2004 25 April :: 12.21pm
:: Mood: right about now I need to be wasted, but I'm not
:: Music: Hello, Evanescence

It's been a long day
Cyler's grandmum
The things that were said last night between everyone
It's just really hit me harder than it should have yesterday
I've got alot to sort through in my own mind before I say anything else
I need some time to try and read through some very thick layers in my mind

4 did | Tell me

:: 2004 24 April :: 9.24pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Leader of Men, Nickelback

Mandy wanted me to put in something about this
tiny ears .... really tiny ears
good person though, really good to talk to
Kinda jumpy and uppity, but a good person none the less
what else can I say
good person, seems to not hate me, that's good
hey, keep up being you, you're a good person, good to talk to, good sense of humor and ... goodly hyper

4 did | Tell me

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