for ever and always...
I always want to change the layout of this journal but eventually everything cycles back around and it just makes perfect sense. I will leave it alone. I thought I had escaped cycles by now considering how hard I worked last year to defeat them but they are always there I have some long term deep rooted personal traditions that I can't avoid and that's ok. I think I can work with it now because there are some things that you just can't fight and I don't want to. It's hard not to spend this time of year reflecting on how much things have changed over the past months. It's interesting, I almost want to say it's sad but I can't because it's not. It just is. I going to hold out though, hold on to the faith that there IS something out there, something coming for me that I can throw myself into without fear and without doubt. Just dive in with a naked soul and trust unconditionally, becuase the only downside to change is that you become hardened, desensitized to losing things and people because you have only been waiting for them to leave from the start. There are times when we can't even trust our own convictions but I DO believe somewhere in the depths of my twisted religion that there is something that will be worth it, that can penetrate the shell of experience. Until then there is change. Until then any notion of forever is a myth, it's a lie we tell ourselves. Forever gets us through the present but you always know that it isnt there, not really. We feign disappointment when the illusion doesn't pan out because it allows us to feel. If you believe that you never saw it coming then you don't have to face the fact that you knew it all along. I don't care who you are, everyone has an inherent cynnic. Despite all that I know that something is forever and that one day the upswing of the cycle will stick. But for now it's just another year and everything has changed.

<3

1 heavy shadow | under the darkness