:: 2004 1 February :: 12.47 am
:: Mood: tired

i woke up today after sleeping for about 12 hours which was really good cuz i'd gotten a total of that much sleep over 2-3 days. went grocery shopping with my mother. i was what the hell.....i need to get out of the house somehow. i got linkin park live in texas. i know sad right? it's a cd with all the same songs that i already have...but i was like i still want it. i'm on this linkin park high right now...i cleaned my room today and rearranged my posters...i even put up 2 new linkin park posters....and some pictures i printed off my computer. i'm telling you..i'm on this insane linkin park high....i have a whole half wall that's devoted to linkin park right now....i need to get out of the house. so yeah..i decided i should update....although no one else is. are people still there? no one's updated in days...i feel like i'm the only person updating...that's why i'm slacking like hell.....ok time to sleep...i'm tired...yes before midnight...gasp indeed. goodnight everyone...
Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 30 January :: 11.14 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: linkin park!!!!!

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:: 2004 26 January :: 12.15 am

surveys
i was bored....i'll do this again with a different band some other time....

choose a band to answer the questions in only their song LYRICS:::	linkin park
who/what are you:::	it's like a whirlwind inside of my head it's like i can't stop what i'm hearing within it's like the face inside it's right beneath my skin
who/what do people see you as:::	you all assume i'm safe here in my room (unless i try to start again)
how you see yourself:::	just stuck hollow and alone and the fault is my own and the fault is my own
where do you want to be:::	i want to be in a another place ... i want to be in the energy not with the enemy a place for my head
where are you:::	crawling in my skin
your life is:::	i don't know what you're expecting of me put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
you love:::	no matter how far we've come i can't wait to see tomorrow with you
you hate:::	i hate when y ou say you don't understand

Song Lyrics brought to you by BZOINK!

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:: 2004 25 January :: 11.19 pm

V-show
does anyone know if we're having a V-Show this year? because i'm preparing something if they do. if they're not having it this year i don't see the point in me preparing something. i mean i guess i would be year ahead of everyone if we have it next year instead....but i don't know...i really wanna be in it this year. i'm planning on singing...and i know which song...and i'm ordering sheet music online so either me or someone else can play it on the piano. of course if it's me playing the piano part i'll be doing a singing/playing act. i don't see why they wouldn't have a V-Show this year since it was so successful last year. for those of you who don't know what the V-Show is...it's like a variety show...different people show different things...last year people danced, sung...(that's all i got to see cuz i was in band) and it was alot of fun. i really wanna be in it and i know what i'm doing too. so yeah...i hope they have it this year...or at elast next year. sometime before i graduate how about that?

so i studied for my math quiz...i think i might do well this time. i feel confident enough to be sure that i won't fail it. don't wanna start a new semester with an F. (ah memories of first quarter when i almost dropped the freakin class) so i went through all the sections and did most of the problems (i picked the hardest ones) and got them right (checked back of the book which i keep bookmarked btw) and i think i have all the concepts down. i miss the good ol' days of geometry when i never had to study and still got a 110% on the quizzes/tests. but even though getting an easy A was fun...it was soooooooooo boring because i was not challenged....at all! gasp! i dont' know...i've finally adjusted to the pace of honors and it's not so bad anymore. i even passed my final! which i was very proud of (even though it was a C...for me that was good and for the difficulty of the final). so yeah.

casey said that he's gonna talk to freichels...about what? i'm not even sure anymore...oh yeah...about how everyone isn't exactly happy with joseph. well i guess the 5 girls who are now being put backstage...maybe not for the entire duration of the show...but for a couple songs. at least he didn't tell me to just get over it because it's not that big of a deal. he probably doesn't understand...but at least he didn't say that...i was liek thank you casey for listening. i was telling jorie about how upset i was aobut the thing and she said "i don't know what to tell you"...it's ok...i wasn't expecting anyone to tell me anything...i needed to get it off my chest. it hurts alot. being told that you're being put backstage....being told that you'll have to sing backstage because they don't ahve a place to put you. it hurts alot. i know people can't relate.....and i probably shouldn't be so upset about this....but...it's a huge disappointment. i finally got cast in a show...id been cut from everything except one acts last year. and that was a bad experience (well i guess it had it's advantages but i didn't have too good of a time during last year's one acts). i didn't care as much being cut from everything after that....because i was involved in all the shows in some way...and even had sort of a position. midsummer: costumes crew head, ballad: assistant stage manager, razzle: costume crew head, one acts (this year): stage manager and then finally i'm part of the cast for joseph. (oh btw i'd tried out for every one of those shows except one acts..i decided i wanted to stage manage) it felt sooo good...i was so happy. and things were alright....then this week freichels tells us (like the 5 girls who don't dance) that she doesn't know where to put us yet and most liekly have to sing backstage....taht hurt so much. first i was pissed....then i felt hurt....then i felt discouraged and ashamed. i prefer being cut than being told that i won't be put onstage cuz there's no where to put me. you must think i'm crazy for preferring to be cut...but at least i wouldn't feel useless. then friday....calandra was choreographing joseph's coat which was cool....and as she was about to start she comes up to us and says that she doesn't know what we're doing and is sure that we'll be in the song...and we're free to go home. wow. twice in one week. i called my mom and as i was waiting for her i started crying. the hurt i felt from hearing that is undescribable. yes this probably sounds pathetic to many...but not many can relate. and i probably should've seen this coming...it seemed too good to be true. i'm trying to be optimistic...i'm trying....but it's hard when i'm constantly feeling useless in the show. oh but you're part of the female singing ensemble...what's the point if i'm not gonna be seen? ::sigh:: i really hope next year's musical will be better. i don't care about being cut from the plays...i'm not that great of an actor...but musical? that means alot to me. ::sigh::

ok i'll go now....i'm not asking for your pity or sympathy. why did i say everything above? because this is my journal. and i really don't think taht anything i said was inappropriate...was it? i hope not....
i want this heavy feeling to go away.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 22 January :: 1.53 am
:: Mood: numb

lit presentation tomorrow
i don't feel liek sleeping...i'm tired but don't wanna sleep.

do me a favor....everyone (who's not under my friends list) please leave me a comment saying that you're reading it....i'm curious as to how many people have actually been reading it.

my head's spinning. i feel dizzy. this has been quite an eventful night i haven't even done anything. having people comment in that last entry...it's like whoosh. i feel stupid. very very stupid. can i just make it clear that i said alot of things from a spur of the moment? i don't think emotions aren't very consistant and like jealousy, anger, frustration all die down after time. much like happiness...you're not happy all the time nor are you sad. things that i said dealing with how i was feeling changed after posting....like..i don't know....i don't know how to explain anything. i'm awful at this game.

i feel....basically like an idiot. good job sandy kim ::pats self on back:: you're a genius. (sarcasm) oh lordy...i don't know what to do. i feel liek crawling in a hole and hiding. but i don't. i don't know waht i'm saying.

let's see....oh yeah...how am i gonna survive joseph? things are disappointing. i guess i'll be on running crew for costumes cuz they'll need more help. and while i help people change i can sing at the same time! ::gasp:: guess what? freichels might not even put me onstage. nope. all because i can't dance. wonderful, eh? it's kinda disappointing. it's like "woo i made the musical" "oh yeah, i'm gonna have to see you" "oh don't bother coming cuz you won't be seeing my face" my parents are gonna be so disappointed....the look on their faces when i told them i finally made a show. they were so proud....guess things don't change. i shall forever dwell behind the curtains. don't get me wrong...omg i love it backstage...that's where i belong...but i don't know...i wanna be onstage every once in awhile...be recognized. cuz typically the actors are the only ones who get recognized for the "hard work" people don;t even know that there are people backstage who do just as much work and give the actors all the credit. like i don't know...i wanna be recognized you know? cuz i'm always the one who's not noticed...arhg just argh. it was hurtful when freichels told us (the girls who aren't dancing) that for some songs she might have us sing backstage and "support the sound". don't get me wrong..i'm thankful for amking the show...that's so cool....but i've been having so many disappointments. first it was the you're not a dancer thing...then it was i don't remember...now it's you might not be onstage. ::sigh:: i better go to sleep....probably won't happen soon though...now that i'm wide awake.
bye bye
Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 20 January :: 11.37 pm
:: Mood: rejuvenated

possible new start?
so here i am...again...with a fresh start....it turned out just about everyone found out about my journal...and read just about every freakin entry i'm sorry to disappoint my adoring fans...but i had to delete them to prevent any further reading by an unwanted audience. so what did i learn from this experience??? don't go overboard while venting because afterall this is an ONLINE journal and everyone can easily access to it. i don't care...i'm still gonna vent in here...that's why i started this whole journal madness in the first place...to vent...ha isn't that what a journal is for? to relieve your stress by writing?? well anyways...to those who have read my journal and have read something that concerned them....forgive me. i apologize....publically....it was extremely immature of me to go and say all those nasty things. i wish i could take back everything i'd said but unfortunatly man has not created a contraption that can go back in time. i apologize and i truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. that may sound like a load of BS to you...but whatever...believe what you choose to believe. i'm not as naive anymore thinking that nothing could ever be used against me. and i also want everyone to know....every harsh thing was written during my hardest times when i was truly upset and frustrated and angry. i exaggerated many things to make it sound worse than it actually was. you know how when you're super pissed you start saying how you hate something? that's basically what i was doing. my so called hit list....one night i was extremely angry for i don't even remember why and was talking to nick and was crying and everything...i was furious. and by calming me down offered to "beat up" a few people that made me particulary angry that day. and that's how it all started. about a third of those people i wasn't even angry at. other people were so i just added them in there. like i said....i was furious and didn't know any better. and i want everyone to know....i don't technically "hate" anyone. those who i claim to hate most are those i am most envious of. i'm a perfectionist....i hate losing...and after experiencing defeat numerous times...i grew restless. so hope...if you do read this....i don't hate you...i promise i don't...and you probably hate me...but i deserve it. i apologize for everything i've ever said about you....but i said it and i was bitter towards you because to me...you seem to have everything. you seem to live a perfect life....i was and still am jealous. my jealousy has died down a bit because i am beginning to realize how it's unncessary and won't help necessarily help me to become a better person. it actually made me a worse person. so i'm sorry. i really truly am. i went through a very bitter winter. i lost a lot and gained very little. i don't even know if she reads this journal or not...but if she does...there ya go. and heidi, i'm sure she doesn't know about this whole online journal madness...but i don't hate her anymore. why? because i finally got to see the other side of her...the nonconceited and not self centered side of her and boy am i glad. because singing in joseph would be hell because i wouldn't have any fun. and for everyone else...i don't even remember what i ever said about you...but i'll apologize for my past actions/words. but you know what? i'm human. i not perfect. i'm not anywhere near perfect..if i were i'd be God and i'm definatly not Him. so please drop the whole "sandy needs to behave better" deal because i really find it rather pointless. i don't even know you. and you know nothing of me. and i think that it's rude to judge me based on what little information you know. i think it's rather sad and pathetic how i'm constantly feeling apologetic and inferior to those who i don't even know. it doesn't make sense to me. just as you told me not to make assumptions...please don't judge me. because THAT'S rude and rather selfish thinking that one is worthy to judge another. yes it's a natural human habit that i and everyone else need to break....but i believe that one must at least put effort into it. and if you are gonna judge....know enough about them before you do...because that's just not right to judge and make assumptions about people you know absolutely nothing of.

thank you and goodnight.
Always, Sandy

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