My Reflections

My Reflections

:: 2006 3 January :: 1.23am

Today was possibly one of the most frustrating, tiring days ever.

I just want to sleep. That is all.

I think I was being moody to Ryan on the phone. I feel bad now.

Today my mom told me how my bird died that she replaced when I was in 4th grade.

My parents set off these lice bombs to kill all the lice in the house, because everybody had it really bad. We then went to Pennslyvania for a week.

They forgot to get the bird out of the house. My mom, knowing it wouldn't survive, made all us kids wait in the car when we got home. She went upstairs and that found my bird, Daisy May, had exploded. She was "all over my room, stuck to the walls". My mom cleaned her up before I got a chance to go back in the house and went out and bought a new one.

I kept that bird for another year. I LOVED that bird, but I never understood why it was all of a sudden acting so mean towards me. I feel so stupid for loving a bird that wasn't even mine. I'm so fucking blind. I was back then and I am now.

I want things to stay the same soo badly that I don't even notice when it's something completly different.

And that bascially describes how I feel about everything right about now.

Edit:: The more I look at my class schedule, the more I'm dreading it. I have to take the 5:00 train. And that's not going to be fun. I don't know. It's a bad schedule. The classes I'm taking are stupid. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I fucking quit. I can't do it. nope.

I need to talk to someone. I'm driving myself crazy. Not just school. Everything. Where is everybody right now?

Edit 2:: I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be complaining. Nothing's that bad. Right? Right. Mmmkay.

Hks.flhsklghdfig;o,s;kfjshdfip,vnsddl

1 persons said it | who said that?

toki

:: 2005 31 December :: 12.47pm

More dreams last night. Woop.

I went back to VHHS to visit the theatre and there was this play going on and everybody was acting mad at me because I was in it and missed all the rehearsals. I tried to tell them that I graduated, but Melanie was there working tech. I went to the grid to talk to Phelan and Melanie, but my shoe fell off and Phelan told me that I was the servent girl in the play and I had this whole crazy monologue that I had to memorize. The play started and it was in Victorian times and I was on stage, but I didn't have time to get off. So I had to pretend I knew what I was doing. The play was something about kids dying. Then this whole scene was going on behind a closed door and I didn't get how the audience would see it. I finally snuck off stage and the scene ended. Then Matt N. ran back and yelled at me for missing my cue, which was this crazy piano thing I had to play. I was trying to practice it, but I just didn't get it.

Aaannnnndddddd.....

I forget the whole thing, but at one point these two girls wanted to to do something mean, so they moved these rocks around in a river. I walked back after they had done it and they were crying because the rocks had never been moved before then and they ruined the beauty of the river. I remember her mentioning the small streams that had run between the cracks of the rocks. And now the stream was all murky because they kicked up all the moss when they moved the rocks.And to make it worse, it was at the beginning of the river so they destroyed the flow of the entire river.

who said that?

toki

:: 2005 29 December :: 12.49am

I'm being a jerk and copying Jorie and writing about my dream, fool.

It's kind of a mix between Wicked and Cinderella, except I'm almost like the servent of Cinderella. Everyone else is really ugly, even Cinderella and they're all wearing '80s style poofy dresses. I'm behind the concession stand at work and the bad witch comes up to me and gives me a pretty dress, all classy and modern and white, and I put it on and she tries to convince me to try to beat Cinderella so the prince will take me, even though I've already seen Wicked and know that the bad witch is going to get the guy. In this case, she's really ugly and can't sing but I figure everything's going to work out in the end so she has to end up pretty and nice. She then gives me Cinderella's box of stuff for the ball and tells me to destroy it all so that I can be the queen, but I refuse to do it because I knew I wouldn't get it and I didn't want the witch to win. So I sat on the box and the witch kept throwing things at me to try to get me off and to let her destroy everything in the box, but I wouldnt let her. Cinderella came and she was uglier then before, but I gave her the box and went to find the guys and they were all practicing their dancing. A few of them saw me watching and invited me to join them, but I forgot the dance so I ran away.

The second one we were on vacation somewhere and in the middle of the night we snuck out and broke into an empty vacation house. We were hanging out and everybody was relaxed but I was freaking out because I was sure that we would get caught. Then I pierced my lip and my nose, but nobody I talked to noticed it and when I pointed it out, they pretended not to hear me. I then tried to pierce Ryan's lip and I make too big of a hole.

That is all.

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 29 December :: 11.22am

and yet another dream this morning.

i went to a small shop, boutique like, somewhat like i remember all the ocean-side shops being in florida. i couldnt even tell you exactly what it sold...but i couldnt find wht i was desperately searching for. it didnt worry me though, so i just browsed. i remember old people sweaters and shiny leotards being sold. i watched some guy for a bit...then walked over to a middle table. the guy who worked there asked if i needed help. the scene changed; i was working there. i was fixing some stuff and then he said i should go help them. them was ashley grebe and a couple other people i didnt know. ashley was on a ladder putting something on the wall, which at first i thought was a display, until a guy took down the shelf to dust it off. ashley had been standing on it, however, but rather than falling, she held on to...the wall. i asked how she did it and she said, im just holding on. when she eventually came down, she shook her fingers through her hair which i thought would make it puff, but it just went back to pretty curls. i think that's about it.

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 28 December :: 10.49am
:: Mood: blank

i dont remember the two when zak was over,
but then the night before last:

i was walking up a grassy hill with a chainlink fence to my right. i looked over the fence and (on the other side, the hill fell about three stories) there's a road. on the other side of the road was yet another chain link fence, which then led into the depaul campus. i came upon a tree on my left, and i was looking at all the buildings of the campus. they had blue roofs. i saw a bottle of laundry detergent hanging on the tree (All brand). i got angry that someone would put it there and so threw it over the fence. i watched it almost hit one of the group of girls standing outside the campus, then quickly backed away because i knew my white shirt would be seen. i started to run, but i couldnt go fast enough. i figured it was just the grass, so when i got to the asphalt and it wasnt any easier, i took off my shoes. the running didnt get easier. but soon, there were a lot of cars in sight and the ocean. i was coming to a dock. but then i woke up.

Then this morning, about a half hour ago:

i lived in a dorm room with 4(?) other people. i woke up and my roommates told me that we'd had some people who think they live in our room. soon enough, they came in. they're all black, girls and guys. the first comment that is made by one of them is a derogatory white people comment (i dont remember it). i got angry and was like "woah, buddy. if we're going to solve this problem, we have to get something straight first". i held my arm up to his and began to tell him that "colour is not an issue, because there are different shades even within our own races" and the picture changed to his friend and that guys girlfriend, who're laying on the couch together. He agreed, and we began to discuss the dorm itself. we argued that we had been there first, and they had just arrived. he said, "yea, but we've definatly made home". picture switches to a picture frame with the lot of them in it. so we worked on figuring out how they even got a key. they were handed it and i made the brilliant connection that they were going to kick us out, which we knew the reason for, but i cant remember now. so we were happy in the room and whatever. then the dream switched to another room. i was in the back, against a wall, but there was music playing and people dancing. i acknowledged the fact that only white people were dancing until shannon green got up and joined them. i started to try to text someone but i couldnt get a signal and once i had chosen my recipient and typed the message, i decided to change recipients.

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 26 December :: 2.14pm

Okie. so we've finally finished opening presents! This is what I received!

THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH, EVERYONE!!!

who said that?

toki

:: 2005 23 December :: 6.56pm

My house smells like fish. Amanda and Gabby are teaming up against me. I've been called more names in the past half hour than in a long time. Hence the reason I avoid family gatherings at all costs. Got sick of it and I'm chil-laxing by myself in my room.

Christmas sucks. No....wait....my family sucks at christmas.

2 persons said it | who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 22 December :: 3.29pm

This morning, i had a strange dream.

i was on an airplane for a school trip (?), and for some reason, it never lifted off the ground. i was no longer on the plane, and upon being fifty or so feet away, i realised it was under a bridge on the beach of the lake (?). i knew that the plane would soon blow up, and began to run. The plane blew up, the bridge above it crumbled, the ground cracked down the beach, and half the city shook. i turned around when the explosion finished. the plane was upside-down, the bridge ended just over the water, and i was overcome with worry for katie(?), who was inside the plane. i ran over, screaming for her. i opened the door and saw her face with someone elses. i tried to communicate that she needed to get out, and someone was huge enough to pick up the plane and try to shake her out, with no go. her father had already exited the plane, and we decided that he, unharmed, should get the people inside. she finally came out; no one died, but our biggest deal was that the school projects had all been ruined.

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 19 December :: 11.53pm
:: Mood: calm

i am pleasantly thoughtless.

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 16 December :: 1.34pm

now i have an immense amount of shame. i want to hide. i want to die. why did i tell anyone? i know. because i wanted to change my image. i knew that before. i knew that and i told people. i guess all i wanted in the first place was to be told that i should have no doubts, btu the only person who could convince me didnt. i wish he had. i wish he loved me, too. now, ive hurt myself and everyone around me. how dumb, how perfectly stupid i am. that doesnt make anything better. i see how the cycle perpetuates. i wont do it again though.

what do i want? why does everything feel so wrong? why do i ask so many questions? why does it hurt that everyone is angry at me...why?

1 persons said it | who said that?

toki	:: 2005 14 December :: 1.41pm Poop on a stick. 1 persons said it \| who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 12 December :: 9.00am

pigeons!
if you want a little entertainment, go to google and type in cold pigeon and find the images. all the ones that their heads hidden in their little bodies look like the ones i pass everyday. it makes me kinda sad that they're so cold because it's not their fault that people are dumb and feed them, but at the same time, they are sooo cute.

i woke up really late...like six-thirty. that's usually when am getting on the train. but oh, well. technically, i should be in class now until nine-twenty, but i didnt want to walk in a half hour late when, lately, ive been walking in fifteen minutes late anyway. so ill just ask someone on facebook for the notes.

i asked zak to drive me on wednesday in the morning and he could take my car, but i get the feeling that wont go over so well with my parents, so am going to talk to tyler to see if he will take me with him on the cta. then he can drive me and i dont have to worry about my car at all. im actually kind of excited to go to al's on wednesday, but it's kind of a pain in the ass because of the car and i need like twenty dollars (of which i have negative) and i'll probably get bitched at by the vh kids who depend heavily on me for my car. that never makes me feel good to think about.

ama go study for japanese because we have the chapter five test today and it's the last and then on wednesday i only have a history final and a party!!! woo! but i have to finish a paper before friday, which is weird, cuz the last class is today...

who said that?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2005 10 December :: 8.34pm

Ok just cuz i'm on a xanga break doesn't mean i cant write in here right?

Good cuz i'm bored.

And I'm eating through this thing of cookie dough. Its amazing.
I've lost weight since I got here so its ok...because this is amazing.

This is more of my analyzation journal anyway.

Once i finish this cookie dough im going to study...it needs to be done.

I learned all about plants today...gymnosperms, angiosperms, conifers...haha man its super. I know all of their reproduction cycles too ::nods:: Im so smart...::rolls eyes::

I need Kingdom Hearts...it stops all thoughts.

I've hit a certain degree of insanity, i've hit it with a large hammer that doesnt even exist.

O.o
a'g;lhjrh-]iikht

I'm going to study and pray that it saves me from myself.

~Jackie

2 persons said it | who said that?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2005 10 December :: 8.34pm

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 10 December :: 3.07am

So you're afraid of coming to conclusions [about yourself], thereby possibly nullifying other possibilities.
You want to remain open minded to the point that you can't trust your own intuitions.

true for me?

who said that?