~*no one's hurt me more than you , and no one ever will . *~
i heard another song that reminded me of you today ( and it didn’t hurt that you left a song on my voice mail . great choice of song , even though i already told you , and you don’t read this ) . so then i sat down to write because my lips were bleeding from biting them , and everything i started writing sounded exactly like everything i’ve already written . it’s not my fault , though . it’s only because i started noticing my unconscious habits , and hoping nobody else does . like the way i leave my cellular phone on the table at dinner , because you said you’d call , even though you always say you’ll call and rarely do . maybe i take your unconscious habits to heart too often . maybe i take everything to heart too often , and that is why my heart can’t really take much more . nothing used to reach me . then you had to come and pierce this wall I had so neatly built , a hidden guard against people like you , and you were the one who walked right through it without so much as a backwards glance . i should have kept walking . i should have stopped you when you broke in , but i thought you were invited . you kept walking though . i guess that’s alright . but even when i grab your hand and beg you to stay , you extricate yourself , smile sweetly , and before i can blink , you’re gone . i have no pride left to throw away and run after you , so i just lace up my sneakers and go . i don’t think i’ll ever catch up though . your legs are longer , and your heart is stronger . so maybe i’ll see you around . call me sometime . i’ll have my cellular phone on the table .

"if i don't make it , know that i loved you all along" (Our Lady Peace, Clumsy 5).

haha . i love research papers that are finished , even if they're almost one page too short . i probably won't see you guys when i get back , because uhh i don't really hang out with anybody except andrea and michael minei . but i love you guys , regardless , and i'll miss you all , like i miss you now , not having seen like anybody in a long time . <3 bye .

*gone*

this time on my way out , i won't bite my lip and curse my own stupidity , holding back tears that prove my weakness . this time , i'll comment on and laugh at all the little things that i never minded to begin with , and i'll say that i'm glad this happened because you were only going to bring me down , rolling my eyes at your obvious inadequacies . and everybody will tell me how quickly i moved on and how well i'm taking this , but nobody sees my sleepless nights or how it's not the boy i'm kissing that i think of when i'm kissing him (or even when i'm not) . of course people know how i feel . they've all been through this and know what it's like . but they don't . and if they saw how your hand grazed my back (almost unconsciously , even though i wish it was more conscious) , they'd laugh at your drunken , clumsy gestures , and never realize the significance i placed on it . maybe i need this . to get away from you so i can't come up with stupid excuses to see you (as if i really needed those things) . i'll use this as a chance to get used to not delaying my visits because i know you're not home from work yet . i'll post this so everybody tells they're proud of me for not dwelling on it . but i'm tired of hearing what i should and shouldn't do , or what everybody else would do in my position , and how irrelevant it is that , for that short time , i had everything i could ever want . that one big mistake is more important than every other action , and i'm letting myself be walked all over . just for the record , everybody messes up , and if you're contrite enough , you have all the right in the world to be heard out . so until you're in my exact situation , stop judging me , and realize that you can never truly understand somebody else's problems .

how long can emotions keep on going up and down ?
oh man . tonight was AMAZING . i seriously have such great friends . not only do they have GREAT senses of humor , they are SO BLACK it is hard to look at them because of their hotness . holly + amy + fried chicken + mashed potatoes + biscuits + watermelon + darnell - collard greens = perfect evening . love you guys <333 see you saturday .

this all was only wishful thinking .

fuck the emotional , heartfelt lyrics that inspire yet another evening breakdown . the prose / poetry combinations that kick me when i’m down . half sentences , because that was all i could get out before my vision was too blurry to read the screen anymore . fuck the fact that nobody understands that some things are easier said than done , especially when every song has lyrics reminiscent of this situation , because this is as emotional as it gets , and , after all , aren’t all these kids ? fuck the scene of 6/8 shirts and too-tight pants , and the kids who hold hands with different people at every show , and cry because each week , their heart gets broken . fuck the hypocrites who strive for unity but only with the cool punks , because , after all , the unpopular ones don’t know anything about it . i mean , how could they ? they can’t keep friends longer than a year or two or three . fuck the journals that are posted for approval , and the ones that aren’t for privacy . fuck the friends who can’t see through the façade of exclamation points to realize that good intentions are not always the works of good people . and fuck me for losing hope and failing to smile for ten minutes while i write this one night .

why can't i feel anything from anyone other than you ? i stay wrecked and jealous for this simple reason . i just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life .

i think two point five million dollars is adequate to help me forget about you . we'll see just how hard moving on is NOW . sum 41 are my new Gods , even if they suck live [ from behind the stage , anyway ] , and even if i went alone . actually , i'm glad i did . and so is josh millionare , apparently . what the fuck ? my life is crazy . i love being me . if i weren't me , i'd wish i was . <3

was it worth it ? was it worth seeing me for the first time with no eyeliner because it had all been cried off instead of because i had slept over , and never being able to listen to rocking horse winner again ? and not having anybody to go to bright eyes or warped tour with and explaining to everybody at your work that you hadn’t been treating me good ? and always getting my answering machine because i could no longer waste the minutes i’d save on you, because i knew what you were going to say because it’s all so cliché that i could recite those lines with you ? but here i am , assuming you don’t have a good excuse . maybe you lied because you didn’t want to hurt me . so maybe you shouldn’t have done anything to hurt me in the first place . maybe you wanted me to get past my writer’s block and write and write and write three things in ten minutes . how fucking considerate of you . but here i am , justifying things in four different ways and pressing seven when i should be pressing three , and focusing on you instead of my research paper . and jumping to the window every time i hear a car door slam because maybe you’re here to apologize , and rehearsing in my mind all the things i have to say to you that will remain unsaid because i can’t call you because i know i’d lose my will . and i know you’re never going to read this , so maybe that’s why i’m so anxious to get it all out so i can move on with my life . but fuck . all i want to know is why . why you did it and why you couldn’t tell me before or afterward so that i wouldn’t look so fucking stupid to everybody who knew , because everybody knew . i wish there was some way i could go back and act on instinct instead of heart , and ignore all the sweet talk , because that’s all it was , no matter how much you told me it was true . i wish i could move on and stop living in the past and overanalyzing every word, every kiss, every phone call . that time i came over and she was there , and all the difference it would have made if i had just fucking walked inside . how you could have so little respect for me that you kissed me anyway . and denied being an asshole even though i said it lightheartedly . but it’s true . you fucking asshole . so why ? why do i want to see you again even though i keep telling you i don’t ?

standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in
heartbreak number one . the way you didn’t call before nine o’clock because thirty-five cents a minute is out of my price range . and this afternoon when i left , and the leaves were blowing against my windshield , all i wanted was for them to be little shards of glass , bloodying my ears and eyes so that i could remain ignorant to what’s been going on. GODDAMMIT . is this what i get ? and i’m left wondering what would have happened if i brought it up when it was just a sneaking suspicion because i couldn’t distinguish between my and her perfume on your sheets . if giving you the letter would have prevented anything , or just been another laugh you two shared at my expense . and i don’t know if changing my mind will just bring heartbreak numbers two , three , and four , but i do know how foolish i’d appear . and that stupid Garfield shit that i laughed at – well, i’ll miss not seeing it in my driveway . and i’ll miss the bedtime phone calls , which i know i’m not getting anymore , because it’s almost 11:30 and my phone has not rang . and “i’m not done hugging you yet.” and all the other bullshit that i was too stupid to see through . all i had to do was turn on any romantic comedy and it would be right there , the 6654 lines i’ve been drinking down , but i didn’t . i’d “watch movies”, but not really watch them . maybe i should have paid a little closer attention to the movies and i’d realize they’d never quite live up to the movies you watched with her . i’ll never live up to her . so stop with the phone calls, because you’re breaking my heart . and even if you could read the sarcasm through pink type on blue background , there would be no need to try , because i’m not being sarcastic . actions speak louder than words, right ? then how come nothing i want to say is reflected in the way i hang up the phone ?

so no poetry , because i have nothing extremely emotional . haha . i crashed my car into another car going eighty miles per hour on i-95 on saturday morning . miraculously enough , the other people said they barely even felt it . their car was not very bad at all . my left headlight broke , and i have no front bumper ; actually , i do , it was in my backseat / trunk all yesterday ... steve re-mounted it today , and created a makeshift headlight / soda bottle turning signal for me . it is ghetto / awesome as fuck . it drives . sweet . i got a ticket for improper lane change , but the cop told me to take it to court because there is a 100 % chance it will be dismissed . with those odds, who needs lawyers ? not me . i am offering people a free cinnabun with donation of either a white escalade ext , 2002 model , or a front bumper for a 1998 white nissan sentra gxe . feel free to take me up on that offer . anyway , i should have died , because i got into my first accident going very fast on a highway , but i didn't , and i'm glad i didn't . haha . and the "i'm glad you're alive" comments ? so cliche . i didn't come near dying . my airbags didn't deploy . my neck isn't even sore . so like obviously i could have died anytime i go driving , so say that then . mm . i am very happy . haha . i was like cracking up after the accident ; like , after i cried a lot haha . i don't know . i just felt like letting everybody know that my car is super ghetto mmmm . haha <333 bye ladies .

don't you understand ? you were different from the others . i just told her that . you weren't supposed to make me cry . you weren't supposed to be the reason i sat in deserted parking lots at one a.m. , sobbing quietly to myself because i had no one to call . you knew good decisions from bad ones . but you weighed your options and she won . and you looked at my eyes turning slightly bloodshot , watched me avoid your stare , biting the inside of my cheek to keep from crying , sat and listened to me not speak a word to you for an hour and a half , and believed me when i told you nothing was wrong . didn't question it . so what now ? i can't just let it slide , but i can't let you go . you're different from the others . i should just fix my eyeliner and go home , smile , and hope for the phone to ring with that familiar unfamiliar number .

it's the "news at 10" that kills me . my only enemy . the one that gets me every time . the dark , sweaty grappling of hands on wrists and shoulders and tangled in hair . open mouths on uncovered necks in a slightly less playful way than earlier , when i was on the phone or wrestling the remote out of your hands . i can't hold your hand hard enough for you to comprehend the thoughts racing through my mind . with no concept of time , all i know is that i'm here , with you , though it could be anywhere and still not make a difference . so i keep my eyes shut tightly to avoid the red glowing numbers above and slightly to the right of your head . your glasses long forgotten , my self-consciousness gone with any inhibitions i may have had . it doesn't matter how toned my stomach is or that my eyeliner is smudged on my cheek or yours . i just want to feel your bare stomach on mine , barely grazing it , then on me in an instant where i don't even know how it got there , so hard i can barely breathe , but it's not your weight that's taking my breath away . i don't even know why . all i know is your breath in my ear , and i'm sent into this whirling oblivion where nobody has ever gone , feeling something nobody has ever felt . but it's gone . the forced whisper , the disappointment , the uncaring anchors taking away my everything in seconds . so leave the television off next time , and i'll never leave this place again .

[ i can't quite put my finger on it , but it's somewhere in the reason why ] i try not to [ but usually ] close my eyes when you kiss [ even ] my cheek because otherwise i know i'll get lost forever in this feeling [ which i wouldn't mind doing, but i don't know if you'd be here with me ] . [ sometimes i want to tell you but i don't know if you feel it too ]. it's in that feeling i get when you kiss my neck only i get it when we're just sitting and holding hands and sometimes [ but don't tell anyone else ] when certain songs come on in the car , i'll reach for your hand and i'll look over and you're not really there [ i was just dreaming you into life ]. i think i do that all the time , though [ not just sometimes ] . and my concentration is fine until ten minutes after you get off work because i'm crossing my fingers until the phone rings [ so hard i see stars ... or hope to ] . but i'm not falling ; that's not me . i don't do that . [ that's what i heard from him , but i hope you'll realize that sometimes i lie , but it's only because you can't realize you're on my mine from when i wake up to when i fall asleep at night , and often long after that . and my heart falls when i don't have a new voice message , but i'm okay until 10:30 when i will . and there's only two more days until i can fall asleep with your arms around me but i'm trying really hard to pretend i can now ] . it doesn't mean anything that i'm using all my minutes and all my gas and am at your work more than you . you're reading too much into it . [ or maybe i'm not reading enough ] .

as horrible as it sounds , it's great to see you down when i know you brought it upon yourself . your facade of perfect hair and popularity is fading fast , and when it's all over , i won't be the one left crying anymore . this partnership you've formed is a cruel thing , and it won't last much longer because you've been through most of us . it's a great strategy , though . what better way to bring down an innocent bystander than by smiling your way into their life , robbing them of all oxygen , and quickly escaping without so much as 'goodbye' to let them choke on their own stupidity ? i just don't understand why . why your choice of victim is the undeserving , and why you think you're so much better . neither of you would be anything without the other , and interdependence is a dangerous thing . and nothing will look more beautiful to me than the salty tears in your self-inflicted wounds when this game you think you're in together turns out to be a one player thing .

this morning i woke up all disoriented , hungry , sleep marks on my face and hair all tangled , and my phone rang . and it was you , apologizing for waking me , even though you didn’t . you just have perfect timing , because that’s what you are ; perfect . and you made me hang up so you could leave me a voice mail and i was going to check the voice mail after my shower but i’m so addicted to you that i couldn’t . so i’m lying in bed and listening to your voice and i just sunk back into the covers and everything i was complaining about just went away . i was just blissfully lying there , covered in blankets , and all i could think about was how my back still smells like peach and how your hands are always so warm when i get to your house and i always use that as my excuse to hold them . and how i know that when i wake up in the mornings i always have “1 missed call” and “new voice message” and that even though i have all this homework that i haven’t done and work and my mother waiting for me to get up so she can yell at me and friends that i don’t talk to and friends that i do talk to but don’t like , it doesn’t matter . all that matters is that you make it all go away . and i look at my night table and i see this flower all wilting and i won’t throw it away because it reminds me of you . and i go downstairs and i have my favorite cereal and a dozen roses and the cookies we baked and i’m just so happy i didn’t know it was possible . i miss you baby .