Memories of a bathroom

		Mirror



(Hand clutching Wrist

     dripping 	     Pain

in the bathroom      Sink while   

         Tears wash away any

Remnants of Agony and Distress

	so nobody will notice 	

or even 

Care.)

Erasing

	Memories of dinner and 

swimming.          while You

	are downstairs cooking 

more Memories to be Cut away with

		Fights and Hostility.

Answer questions using lyrics from only one band.

Band: Dashboard Confessional

1. Are you male or female?:

She fixes her lips, they always look perfect.

2. Describe yourself?:

Continually failing these trials.

3. How do they feel about you?:

This is one time that you can’t fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all.

4. How do you feel about yourself?:

You’re not so happy. You’re not secure.

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend?:

Pushing you far away cause I’m scared.

6. What would you rather be doing?:

As for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out.

7. Describe where you live?:

These roads go on forever.

8. Describe how you live?:

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep. This air is blessed, you’ll share with me. This night is wild, so calm and dull. These hearts they race from self-control … Stay quiet, stay near. Stay close, they can’t hear … so we can get some.

9. Describe how you love?:

This is incredible, starving, insatiable; yes, this is love for the first time.

10. Share a few words of wisdom?:

We’re not 21, but the sooner we are, the sooner the fun will begin.

*~ready for battle, armed with your excuse to shield you and a sword with which to cut my heart into pieces. i am so tired of having to guess at whether or not you are silently laughing when you apologize for the misunderstanding that has triggered this new flow of tears. but there is no need to guess anymore because it is obvious. there are only so many times that you can get away with the same stupid shit over and over ... and this is the last one. but i guess i am the one who is full of stupid shit because i know you will calm my fears in five minutes and i will be back to waiting by the phone and dressing to impress you and it will never matter anyway. you don’t even care anymore when you see the pain i am going through ... you just pretend not to notice. maybe if you would look into my eyes you would realize that it hurts so bad. that i can’t do it anymore. that i am done with you and all your stupid lies. and that you, like every other nice guy in this world, are not that way. it is all a façade. a stupid disguise to lure stupid girls like me into falling for you so you can indulge your sadistic desires. so there, i am done. at least until next time.~*

It
hurts
To
Be
used.

is that poetic enough ?

can i lick your hairline ? dee dee-dee !
hahaha. first let me point out my mood. "good". it is just so plain compared to all the other moods.

*~vast space surrounding us, just us, alone in this beautiful paradise. the curves of your back gleaming in the sun, far away, and as i come closer i can almost feel your arms around me. holding me tight so that i don’t fall … but that can’t be the only reason ... (at least i hope it’s not). you run your hands through your flawless hair ... (how is it so perfect right now ?) ... and then compliment mine. how are you so perfect right now ? you know all the right things to say, and i almost start to wonder if it is all an act, but it can’t be. the look in your eyes gives it away, though it is probably just reflecting from mine when i look you in the eyes and stand there forever remembering how i feel when i sit next to you with my head on your shoulder, our hands intertwined as if we were meant to be. which i really feel like we are ...~*

(...DON'T TURN HERE...)
*~when i made the decision to give you what you wanted and let you go without a fight or even a good-bye, i displayed no outward signs of emotion – maybe i even had a smile on my face – while my soul wept. i walked you halfway to your car and hugged you, knowing that it was probably the last time i would, and letting you go while holding you so tightly i saw stars. i whispered one last thing to you, hoping it was the way you would remember me and maybe you would want to return. breathing your scent off my shirt, cologne and passion fruit lingering in the air, i walked inside and upstairs to bed, so i could lie and think of you and write a million journals that i would never post. and i knew that letting you go was like medicine for me. i knew it would make me better, it was all for the best, but it was so hard to swallow that i almost choked. and i know i am supposed to be letting you go, but i can not renounce you completely at once. so i sit here wondering if you are remembering that night that you saw the shooting star, and i wonder if maybe you think that the shooting star was the least magical part of that whole evening. i do.~*

(...i saw a shooting star...)
*~we were both so nervous it was almost funny. or maybe it was all in my imagination. looking back, i wish i had the confidence or you had the desire to lean over and make the first move. at the same time, i was so comfortable just sitting there, feet dangling, hands clasped in my lap, that i did not want to change anything about the moment. time is so fleeting, and i would have given the world to stop it so that i could sit there with you forever, brushing back my hair and looking into your beautiful eyes, talking about anything and everything as if we had been best friends for years. i knew that the thoughts running through my head were not the same as yours, but i could not help but convince myself for those few minutes that perhaps they were ; perhaps one day you would look back on this night and see it in the glorious light i will always see it in. when will you call me one of a kind ?~*

kiersten loaned me "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". she is hot, i want her. especially when her vagina is showing. in it, there is a poem, and the person who reads the poem does not know who wrote it, so i also do not know. but it is so excellent. just so excellent. here it is.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Chops”
because that was the name of his dog
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X’s
and he had to ask his father what the X’s meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Autumn”
because that was the name of the season
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write moer clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Innocence: A Question”
because that was the question about his girl
And that’s what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle’s Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That’s why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it “Absolutely Nothing”
Because that’s what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn’t think
he could reach the kitchen.
- anonymous

*~sentada, frustrada, y condenada a vivir una vida en que nunca seré feliz. porque me dejas aquí esperando té si no vas a volver ? dime ahora si te parezco fea o degenerada para no gastar mi tiempo en ti. Sé que por hartas semanas me quedare pensando en tigo pero por lo menos estaré preparada a soltarte sin destruirme completamente. no te quedes escondido sin decirme si hamas vas a volver. no me puedo resistir otra desilusión como la de la semana pasada, entonces no me vayas a dejar ilusionada como siempre si me vas a mentir otra vez de por que no puedes venir. no tengo donde ir me si me voy de ti pero me saldré de tu vida si eso es lo que tu deseas.~*

i do not feel like translating it. haha. go to an online translator. and no, the second line has nothing to do with expecting tea. those things kill it. you are better off waiting until i decide to translate it. whores. bye. *

... 5 - 9 - 02 ... Happy National Orgasm Day, guys. have a good night. here goes.

*~sitting, frustrated, and condemned to live a life in which i will never be happy. why do you leave me here waiting for you if you are not going to return ? tell me now if i appear ugly or degenerated to you, so i do not waste any more time. i know that for many weeks i will be thinking of you but at least i will be prepared to let you go without being completely destroyed. don't stay hidden without telling me if you are ever going to return. i can't withstand another disappointment like last week, so don't leave me with high hopes if you are going to lie again as to why you can't come. i don't have anywhere to go if i leave you but i'll get out if your life if that is what you so desire.~*

haha ... nothing corresponds ... not the music, or the mood, or the entry. but you love it.

*~the sinking sun’s light reflecting in your eyes made it hard for me to look at you without being blinded ... it was difficult to look at you in the first place. i wish this had not turned out the way it did. as you walk out of my life, don’t hesitate. keep walking, and stop turning back, unless you’re so damn sadistic that you want to see me lying broken in my own self-pity. you know how hard this was – how hard this is – so why do you keep pretending that nothing has changed ? how can you act like nothing is different when nothing at all is the same ? i lost some of the most important things to me in that week because of you, and you did nothing to help me regain them. so don’t try and make me out to be the bad guy, because this was not me. and if it is pity that you are after, this is the wrong place to look, because i have none to give to you. not that you deserve it ... but i did want this to work.~*

(...sometimes careful consideration can be the cataract that induces a revelation of peace...)
as for the music : you guys got me. mainly alyson, kiersten and danielle.

*~i don’t want to hear it. if you say you didn’t do anything, you are right. but sometimes it is what you don’t do that hurts the most. and then there is what you did do. the discomfort of this situation is not completely your fault ... but mainly, it is. and the fact that you fail to realize why i am so uncomfortable and upset only adds to the wall being built between us. even though there is no us anymore. maybe that is the key factor in my irrationality. maybe i am just finding things to blame you for to mask my sadness (if i am yelling at you, you will not notice my tears). i don’t know if i am writing this for you or for myself, but i hope you never see it. before, that same desire was meaningless to you ... maybe this time you will be less filled with spite and more with a need to restore what we had before all this happened. it all happened so fast. you were my best friend ... of three weeks (if we can’t get it back, does that mean it was never real ?) ... is that even long enough to develop a true friendship ? it seems to be taking me so long to get over all this ... i will be perfectly fine, then that stupid song that i love will come on ... and i will hate it ... and hate you. maybe if i delete it from my computer i will be alright. if only life were that simple.~*

(...kissmekissmekissme...)
*~track three comes on … i didn't realize i had put this song on here. too late to turn it off, my eyes close and i lean back against the wall, memories washing over me. how i was standing next to you, wishing you would put your arms around me and we could hold each other, even if you hate this music (do you hate me ? ) . how you would lean in so close to me and my heart would start racing and just as your lips were about to graze mine you would turn your head slightly and talk over the music into my ear (are you doing this deliberately ?) . and on your way out, how you made it seem like you did want me to call ... even if you did not get my number. so i did. your turn ... even though i think it will be your turn for a long, long time.~*

so guys, i am using 69% of my storage on hotmail. i can not accept or delete any messages ever again. haha.

sssmmokin weed !
merry 420 guys. hahaha i am not yet high but give me an hour. i got one phone call < love you marc > wishing me a happy 420 ... my goal is two. because that is how many friends i have. so call me if you want to love me and listen to me all high. love you bye.

(...there is nothing better than being shot down repeatedly for six hours straight...)
*~i am breaking down. i can't handle it. i do not know where to look to avoid crying, or at least to not let anybody see me cry. all the images from the past few hours spinning in my head and i can't believe what i saw, can't stand reliving it, and can't escape it. is it even that bad ? things always seem so insignificant until i stand in a corner of a room, trying to blend in so nobody realizes that i am all alone like always, and then they just blow up and occupy my entire being, leaving me empty and on the verge of tears. seeing everybody laughing and having the time of their life just onsets it. not that the music does much to stop it. the memories i have related to one song after the next, some with people who have no idea that the song, to me, is about them, come rushing out in a flood of tears. thoughts colliding leave me no option but to hide in a corner until this is all over. i have no idea how to react to any of this. how can i tell you that just looking at you is painful ? even the back of your head is enough to make me break down. all i can do is avoid you until this all passes. on some aspects, i wish this night would last forever, but most of my time is spent contemplating how long it would take me to get home if i started walking now. and then wondering if anybody would notice. but i stick it out. grin and bear it. in the end, that seems to be my favorite way to pass the time. why do i put myself into situations where i know i am not wanted and will just go home and write about later ? nothing makes sense to me anymore. especially not this night.~*