perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

:: 2003 14 August :: 11.08 pm
:: Mood: ugh

im so tired...im cranky...and idk

idk whats been wrong with me lately, my brain has been going down this spiral, and its really confusing, i really feel like i dont have a grasp on anything right now, everything is just up in the air, and i cant talk about it to anyone because when i try to i get so confused and dont know how to put it into words that it never gets out, and then the subject changes and my chance of any clarity whatsoever is completely gone and idk

i wish i could just go away, and be able to look at this from another point of view, but i cant, im stuck here, around the same people and nothing is going to get fixed anytime soon...i just dont know what to do, i wish...well frankly idk what i wish...im so confused, no excuse me while i go curl into a little ball and wish upon my life some clarity

crush me

:: 2003 13 August :: 10.18 pm
:: Mood: idk....

hmm update...

i have come to a conclusion...i freakin love my friends! ive never realy noticed it before but when im with any of my friends i get giddy and hyper...hmm that sounds dorky...but its true! whenever i see one of my friends after not seeing them for awhile i get giddy, and jumpy and idk excited i guess...so just to let you know my friends rule

band camp has started, im a tsl (teaching squad leader) so i get to go in the afternoon session and teach freshmen how to be in a marching band, very exciting really. ive got 3 frosh that i have asopted as my own...carrie emily and lauren, they're all really cool and really fast learners...and for some odd reason they all like me too! haha

hmm so yea...boys...i thought i had come to a resolution about my current relationship status...well frankly i have not, im single alwats have been singe never have been other wise..i liked this guy for a long long time, no need in saying the name you all know who it is, well we were getting along great, then he blows up at me, and now he quote unquote cant stand to be around me, so idk, like days before that all happened he was calling me and asking when we (the group) were gonna hang out and what not, so what i dont understand is how someone can go from calling me 6 times a day and going to cant stand to be around me in that short of time..so im thinking maybe he couldnt stand me and was just using me to gain social status? idk it seems far fetched but i really cant think of anything i did to make such a drastic change in demeanor...then i thought i was over him and i thought i started to like someone else, but lately that someone else...not so much, like i saw him today and it was like it used to be, i didnt get the butterflies...nothing, then i see the first one and get the butterflies..why me? i think im turning into the emotional masocist now..i mean how can i like someone who hates me? hopefully i just got the butterflies out of habit and nothing else...but idk, i think what im gonna do now is just swear off guys, they never like me anyway, im always just Britt the Bud...never anything else..oh well, theres always college right?...yea that sounds pathetic but hey right now i feel pathetic

3 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 8 August :: 2.04 pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: good charlotte...i thought i lost this CD!

hmm...i guess i havent updated in awhile

really nothing all that exciting has happened, the boys have all been busy with football so when the girls wanna hang out they're all too pooped to do anything, so we dont even bother disturbing them

we had a girly night at saras, packed with gossip, facials and makeovers....dont ever let stevie do your makeup, my lips were maroon or is it marroon...oh well, they were dark, that was fun though, we have girls nights, but never girly nights, it was an experience, my first ever girly night

hmm...what else....

the other night megs stevie doug sara and i crashed in saras basement and made fun of the teen choice awards...ahh...making fun of celebrities looking horrible and acting even worse..it was great. we went out to burger king at like 10 and had those new sandwiches that are salads but in sandwich form...ahh what the world will come up with next..they were too bad though, mine had a lot of flavor to it though, they could have toned it down a little

went to squad leader training wednesday, as dorky as it sounds i had a lot of fun...i was in the same group as ardy and luke the whole day..those guys are entertaining, the dance this year will be sick! especially if our two 8s get in it haha, it was hilarious, you guys will have to check it out...but anyway, back to training, it was fun, it was basically hanging out with friends all day, plus the occasional work, oh well, oh and mrs hann is gonna become mrs smith, shes getting married and its really cute because mr smith is a band director at perrysburg, so they're gonna be like a little band/music family, kinda sickening but ebcause its mrs hann its cute...so we're all gonna have to call her mrs smith soon...idc though, i told her i was still gonna call her mrs hann because calling her mrs smith would just be weird

well i have to help mike move all his crap today, thats gonna be fun, little me in a house with 9 college guys...oh woe is me ;)

hmm well i think thats it, nothing else

bye!

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 5 August :: 2.16 pm
:: Mood: im fine

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

crush me

:: 2003 2 August :: 10.29 pm
:: Mood: apathetic

ahhh...i just spent soo much money today! i think i racked up about 365 bucks in purchases today. i went over my budget, but my mom said that was ok. it was fun, i havent spent some mom time in awhile, so to spend the day with her was fun

i havent talked to any of my friends all day today, well save a few online, but thats nothing special, i was only on for about 5 minutes. i feel so out of the loop, no one called me today, and normally everyone calls me, i feel so...unloved, like i did something wrong and now everyone hates me. oh well, hopefully thats not the case.

i had a job interview this morning at 930, it was soo freakin easy, the chick asked me to tell her about myself, when i would be available, why i should be hired, and if i've ever had any experience with retail, and that was it, it took about 2 minutes, but now i have to wait for another call back, then i get training and if im good at the training i'll get hired! finally money! i feel so bad having to always ask for money from my parents, i feel like such a mooch and its horrible.

well in a little less than 3 hours, bernard will have been dead for a week. it doesnt seem like that long, it seems like just yesterday i was sitting with him in his bedroom talking about my friends and what we do when we hang out...he wanted to meet my friends, one in particular and now he never will...i feel more bad for that one in particular who will never be graced with the presense of Bernard Lawrence Smith...he sure was a character...i miss him....

band starts soon...as pathetic as this sounds, im looking forward to it, it'll be nice to wake up and actually have something to do thats not go to track and waste 30 minutes throwing with someone who refuses to talk to me. i like the idea of being a squad leader this year and i think that being a junior i'll have a little more influence this year and by doing that i'll have a little more fun and some more confidence. i really really hope we learn more half time shows this year, i loved freshmen year when we learned a new show for every home game, last year we had the same show every week and it was HORRIBLE! everyone thought it was horrible, fans were getting sick of seeing the same thing, and the band members were sick of doing the same thing, i dont know what headley was thinking, hopefully he gets his head out of his ass this year and teaches us some more shows

i should really start practicing my clarinet soon...i need to relearn my scales...ive forgotten a few and i really wanna make a good chair in symph this year, no more of this last row shit when i was ranked 7th and should have been in the 2nd row...i beat emma in the rankings and she was 5 seats ahead of me...i hate that

mike's coming out tomorrow...hes moving hoem for about a week and a half...his girlfriends moving in with us too...that should be interesting...i havent decided if im excited about this yet

man, i bought some school supplies today...folders and paper and a bookbag...im not looking forward to school yet i am, some classes i really wanna start, like i thikn chemistry will be a blast, as will band and american studies...but spanish? pre cal? i dont think so...my brain has totally forgotten trig...preston would be so ashamed

fairs almost over, i think everyone's there tonight...i think thats why no one is online and why no one has called...which is weird because i call people when im at the fair asking them to join me..oh well, i guess people are just different, plus the fact i live so far away people probably wouldnt wanna wait for me to actually get there...oh well

thats it

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 1 August :: 9.16 pm

this is sara hahaha i'm updating britts journal hahaha...today we went to the fair for an hour and then we got wet and then we went to my house which is where we are now yay!!! thats britts update...goodbye

ok its britt now...doug's been yelling at me to update, so i guess i will...not really alot has happened..my uncle is now 6 feet under, but i bet you all really dont want to hear all the details about that..i did cry though, once to the point of sobbing, and frankly i dont think its stupid so there....stupid boy

hmm fairs been ok, nothing too spectacular, its the same every year, but its a new place for us to hang out, its the only reason we go...that and the food...mmmm....

i have a job interview tomorrow...should be fun, then my mom and i are gonna go shopping, i havent shopped in awhile so it should make me happy

thats it for now, i'll update again when im home

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 28 July :: 11.43 pm
:: Mood: distraught

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You were always crazy like that
I watched from my window,
always felt I was outside looking in on you
You were always the mysterious one
with dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees

CHROUS:

These foolish games are tearing me apart
You thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart

You were always brilliant in the morning
Smoking your cigarettes, talking over coffee
You philosophies on art, Baroque moved you,
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar
You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself

CHROUS

You took off your coat and stood in the rain
you were always like that

crush me

:: 2003 28 July :: 9.25 pm
:: Mood: gloomy

worst 4 days.....EVER

friday i hear that bernard has basically taken his last turn for the worst...he wasnt doing well at all and he basically refused to take any of his meds because he was just sick of it all and ready to go.

friday night i had the girls out to camp in the backyard...that was a lot of fun, we stayed up talking about every subject under the sun until around 2. we had visiters (herringshaw hess snyder carr and nelson) at around 1130, they scared us (mainly megan) by throwing apples they stole from my grandmas backyard....nice one guys, sara and i spent the morning picking up apples, lucky for us apples float when thrown into pools lol

saturday morning we end up waking up around 7 because the tent blew over...we had some strong winds, just as we crawled out from the tent, my mom came walking out of the house with the phone saying bernerd had died at 1:15 that morning...what a beautiful way to start out the day...im doing ok though, i havent cried yet, but wait until tomorrow at the visitation.

went over to bernards that afternoon after spending the morning with the girls, we had fun, we made name thingies for each of our cars, very sentimental....when i got to bernards i walked into picking out the caskets...not something i really wanted to hear but i survived, we got the funeral arrangements made and sat around and talked...it was all very lovely

bernard was one hell of an individual, and im really going to miss him, i dont know whats gonna happen at thanksgiving, we always have it at his house and you always walk into the kitchen with him sitting in the same chair, by the same window, with his rum and coke, smoking a cigarette, with the purified oxygen tubes hanging from his mouth...he wont be there to make wise cracks about me not having a boyfriend, and that when i do, i have to bring them by the meet him...God forbid if i dont have his approval...now im never going to have that approval...he will never meet my boyfriends...i'll never know if they are to his standards...tomorrows visitation, im going over with my mom at 115 before it starts so we can be there with just family..thats gonna be when the tears start, im a sympathetic crier so once someone starts...probably my mom or grandma, im gone....the funeral's gonna be wednesday at 11...i checked the forecast..its gonna be sunny and warm, which is good, bernard wanted to die when it was warm and he wanted to be buried in a turtleneck...i think we're also putting some liquor and cigarettes in his casket...may i remind you he died of lung cancer...i'm gonna cry at the funeral because im going to miss him, and im going to miss spending time with him...and frankly i dont care if thats selfish and i dont care if you think its stupid, call me ignorrant or whatever you want, there will still be tears coming from my eyes

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 21 July :: 10.27 am
:: Mood: happy/sad/confused/mournful/giddy...

worst/best week ever
idk what the hell has been up with my life lately...its been so bad yet really good...if life was a roller coaster, im sure people would vomit after riding...

i think i'll just try to tell the story as the week has gone on...

wednesday:
i went to track wednesday morning, when i got there i thought i was the first one there so i go about my business of getting my shoes out, and i turn around and metcalf like emerges from the trees that seperate the tennis courts and the parking spaces, scared the beJesus out of me, but anyway, we end up being there alone for lke 10 minutes waiting for barger to come so we could open up the shed and actually get some implemtments to throw, and the whole 10 minutes hes actually being nice and he was wondering what we were doing that night, if anyone was hanging out or anything, i said no not as of yet but i'll let you know, well we have practice nothing else really special happened so then i head home, and metcalf calls me about 6 times throughout the day to see if anything has been planned, and everytime i talk to him on the phone hes really nice...its weird. well finally that night we decide to go putt putt...it was me him dunn and sara...it was fun, we all cheated acted like fools and then left. then we went to emgans house and played pool, nothing of any great elation or anything. then when we all had to leave metcalf was like call me tomorrow so we can plan something to do.

thursday:
i didnt see the guys at all thursday. my parents were out of town at an air show, so i was home all alone for most of the day. then megan called and wanted to go shopping so me her and sara went to the mall, then we wanted to go out to dinner so we called ian and metcalf who were both "too tired" to go out, so sara and i ended up going out to my house with take out and we worked on a puzzle all night, and ian and herringshaw called at like 9 wondering what we were up to, im like working on a puzzle...and they were like oo..they werent too impressed...

friday:
went to track..coach was actually there so i got some much needed pointers. i didnt see the gys today either except at track. that ngiht we had a girls night and went to see the new many moore movie...we went to el zarape, always a good time when we go there. stevie and sara ended up staying the night...it was really fun.

saturday:
we wake up early because stevie needed to be home in enough time to leave that morning for the lake...i also get a call from my mom whose down in lancaster that my uncles bernard has been given 2 days to 2 weeks to live..not exactly a nice wa to start out the morning. so to get my mind off of everything i went grage sale shopping with sara and kept myself busy until my parents got home so we could go see him.and by the end of the night most of my friends already know and i think they were starting to take pity on me...which really isnt what i want, but you really cant stop it. i was at my uncles house that night and ian and adam call because they wanna go somewhere so i said ice cream because i felt i needed ice cream after staying at my uncles for a few hours. plus the whole family was bugging me about my so called boyfriend which i dont have but they think i have...we wont go into that...kind of embarassing...so we go out for ice cream and metcalf's being really nice, sara said he kept giving me these looks, idk i never saw any look, then we hung out at dougs house and when everyone had to leave adam said bye to everyone and then nudged me with his elbow and whispered "bye brittany" it was really low too, but everyone else heard it, he wasnt even two feet away and megan grabbed my elbow and was yanking em over so i could talk to her...idk it was weird...

sunday:
went to church, went to see my grandparents who came up from florida to see my uncle...ian and metcalf call, wondering whats going on tonight, i say no oe has called me because no one wants to cal while at my uncles in fear they'll interupt something...we ended up renting a movie and watching it at dan....nothing really happened though, metcalf was quiet and didnt talk to me the entire night so i really dont know whats going on in his brain

now its monday..i didnt go to track, it was raining not exactly nice throwing weather...im talking to my aunt and cousin, and im completely bored

3 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 15 July :: 11.09 pm
:: Mood: happy/confused/sick/tired

wow its been awhile...myrtle beach was great, no need typing out the stories, everyone who needs to know should already know all the stories so why be redundant?

i house sat last weekend for my aunt and uncle, that was a lot of fun, an easy 50 bucks for me, and a cool hang out place for my friends...shhh dont tell me aunt that part! friday night i had sara and ian over, nothing bad, we just hung out and talked, but saturday night i had stevie emgs and sara over and we had a dinner girls night, and we called ian to see if he wanted to come over and he brings metcalf and herringshaw, that was bad, we got kinda loud but nothing really bad happened just some spilled pop and water that got cleaned up. but yea i hadnt seen emtcalf in like 3 weeks and there he is at my aunts house..he needs a hair cut...lol, then the next night we hung out at saras, we played football, girls again boys, boys bring all football players but one. so we got creamed but oh well it was still fun, then we just sat around the fire, then 2 people left to buy cigars, i wont say names...but if you're important you probably already know, but thats when i decided to leave...smoking people make me angry, so i left and hung out with ian and dan at dans house all night...that was...interesting, they didnt say the f word though which was nice because i cant stand when people use the f word for no reason at all...it has no purpose and its an ugly word, so that was very much appreciated...

well i guess thats it..

3 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 9 July :: 11.32 pm
:: Mood: distraught

im not in a very good mood, and i know why, and i always do this to myself yet i can't stop and this is always the outcome...why am i so stupid?

anyway...home from MB, i had an amazing time, its late now though, but i'll update again soon with all the details

crush me

:: 2003 26 June :: 9.57 am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: everything!

weeeee
well im off to myrtle beach later today! Lucky me, the mershmans invited me along, and for that i am truly thankful. I havent been to myrtle beach for about 3 years, and i love it down there. i dont know what all we have planned but im excited, i'm just going to be as cooperative as i can, i dont want to be in the slightest bit rude or annoying, because i would hate for them to regret taking me...but anyway, im really excited, i hope i can get a tan...that would be the day...hehe
anyway, we'll be gone until the 6th so this is probably my last entry until then...my parents left me yesterday for new york, they'll be back monday hten the stay home for three days and then leave thursday for new york again..its dorky i know, but hey what can ya do? my moms all said because this is the longest ive ever been away from her and i think shes goingthrough withdrawl..poor mommy, i'll miss her, but she'll probably call everyday...the one bad thing about taking my cell...everyone can call, but oh well
summer track has begun....and its great!! i love it, im throwing a completely new way, and its making me throw farther, my new pr is 31'9'', and that was in my first week, when i work out all the problems i can hopefully gain about 2 more feet....that would be great...i keep hacing to throw by myself and its yucky, metcalf shows up but he can only be there for 25 minutes because then he has to go to football...he doesnt talk much in the morning, i dont think he really likes me...oh well, his loss
last night, i partied at jackies...it was a girls night..complete with 4 pints of ice cream and a chocolate pie.mmmmm.....anyway, i was hacing a good time, it had been awhile since megs sara jackie and i have been together and it was like a reunion...we turned into dorks, but it was great, its true friendship when you can act like a retard in front of people and they not care and you not care. makes me feel loved..:) i hope they feel loved too...even if one of them is obsessed...hehe
i hope i have a nice summer fling down in MB, never had one of those before..hehe might be interesting....lol
tara and stevie sent me postcards...tara's was from the rocky mountains and stevie's was from st. thomas....i love those girls...i'll have to send them a postcard from MB...i feel so loved at this moment, even though im home alone, but its cool, im too happy to be bummed out about anything...

well i guess thats all...until the 6th...i shall miss you all, and leave me lots of comments so when i get back i can read them all, and call me sometimes and let me know whats up in ohio! luv ya always!!

4 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 24 June :: 7.35 pm
:: Mood: duh

i was going to update last night, but woohu was working right, and right now im glad it wasnt. i was on this big venting trip last night and looking back on it now, its pure bull. im really glad i never got around to typing it up. of course it was on the whole subject of depression coming from the lack of love..the problem that every single person seems to be suffering from right now. and i was thinking about it today, and i came to the concludsion that im not suffering from it. i dont lack love, thats retarded, no one i know is lacking love so no one should be depressed, its retarded to be depressed. People, just look at what you have and realize you're lucky because of all those things, dont dwell on what you dont have and what you want, you'll never truly be happy, once you get over the nonsense of dwelling you'll be ok....i promise

crush me

:: 2003 15 June :: 5.58 pm
:: Mood: im not really in a mood...

wow
ok the past few days have been sooo crazy! lets start with friday...i think it was friday

well im "grounded" and im just getting over being sick, so im ok, but tired as all hell and megs and jackie wanna go out for pizza, i ask and my parents are fine with it (yea i know, i dont think they understand the word grounded) but anyway after pizza we go to meijer, and see bob, we all love bob, then we go to nelsons, that was fun, we got into a food fight, got wet, and left.

saturday...
so yea, just getting over being sick....turns out, i have food poisoning also. i threw up 17 times between 3AM and 10AM, yea it wasnt pretty, i thought i was dying. plus i had a wedding to be at the afternoon, i had to leave the wedding early because i was about ready to pass out at the reception, beautiful wedding though, i had a lot of fun...so i have a sore throat, fever, constantly dizzy, throwing up ever so often and sleeping never. greatest day ever

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 11 June :: 10.25 am
:: Mood: sick

yea im dead
so last night, ians mommy threw him a surprise party, it went well, i think ian was happy. when i got there though, hess jumped on my car, and dented the roof.....thus why i am dead. my dad was pissed to say the least. i told him when i got home last night, and he actually got out of bed to go inspect the damages...yea..that wasnt good..he was able to get the biggest dent out, but hes making my mom take it to the body shop friday to see what it would cost to fix it.

i dont understand why people do this. i mean im a very passive person, but that does not give anyone the right to just walk all over me, im sick and tired of people screwing around and me getting the shaft for it, i mean because hess jumped on my car im actually getting grounded, this is the first time ive ever been grounded and it was for something i didnt do! this is bull, why cant people just be normal and stop acting like jackasses?? i hate being walked all over, and its about time it stops

9 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 10 June :: 10.00 am
:: Mood: calm

im up-fucking-dating doug!
wow...i guess i havent updated in awhile...

a lot has happened...
i came to a conclusion about something, then that conclusion got totally wiped out by a party that we had two nights ago...stupid conclusion wiping out party....grrr

School's now out! weee! it makes me very happy, i think i pulled out with a 4 point this year, but im not completely sure, i guess i'll just wait for my grade card within the next few days. im kinda bummed that schools out because i wont see everyone, but so far everyday during break ive seen everybody so im not to worried....

sara's bday was the second, so we threw her a surprise party sunday night (that was the conclusion wiping out party) she was surprised, and i think everyone had a lot of fun, this party became another potato gun party...what party doesnt?

ian's bday is today...he's finally 16...maybe he'll get his licence soon so i dont have to hear the phrase "hey you wanna hook me up with a ride home?" or "can i have a ride home?" or "you know you wanna give me a ride".yea ian's my buddy, you cant help but love that kid

i got my hair cut...its short now man, this is the shortest ive had it since i was 8. its a little past my chin, i think everyone likes it, but it doesnt really matter if they like it, because i like it and thats all i care about. hess is the only one that said he didnt like it, but thats hess, what can you do about it? he ate dog treats the last time he was out here i mean what does that tell you about what goes on in his head?

umm track banquet was last night, i got my second year letter...plus the little surprise that i have summer sessions mondays wednesdays and fridays at 8am throughout the entire summer....grrr...actually it should be fun, it'll be nice to not have a 9 month break from throwing...i know im a nerd

well i guess thats all....was this good enough of an update for you doug??

3 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 26 May :: 8.55 pm
:: Mood: im ok

wow its been awhile....
lets see..a lot has happened....

my parents left me for a weekend so i had a party out here, everyone came, and everyone had fun, that was a really really fun night...ended a little weird, but we wont go into that.

Schools been going fine, teachers dont seem to realise that its the end of the year, we keep getting more crap to do but eh, such is life. it'll all be over in 2 weeks.

track is now over, i ended the season horribly, but its ok, i had a good year, i improved a lot, and i'll work at it throughout the summer so i can come back next year and the league wont know what hit them.

ive been hanging out with friends a lot lately, and that has been great. i have felt so much better lately, and i dont really care about what i used to, im learning to be more carefree and its improved my life sooo much

i went to cedar point saturday.. so much fun, that new ride is sick. it is so crazy, so much fun...

i got my OGT scores....94.1 in reading, and 90.7 in math, not to shabby

well thats all

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 16 May :: 11.17 pm
:: Mood: crappy

so yea...havent updated in awhile, no biggie though, no one ever reads or comments on this, so no one has missed it

yea so today was nlls...i threw a 28'4'', im ranked 7th in the league, frankly its horrible, and the coaches arent happy, im not happy, so im basically a big disappointment...

metcalf nelson and daron came up to see us...they all kind of flock together in a group...very annoying

ok now im going into vent mode, so i caution you, its ok to stop reading now...

ok, so metcalf, well i liked him, maybe i still do, not really sure, ive been really confused lately. mainly because of this, he is the biggest jerk ever when we're around people. if i even say something all i ever get out of it is some smart ass remark and a 'you're the stupidest person ever' look. this then makes me feel like shit, i shouldnt have to feel like shit, i dont deserve to feel like shit. so this basically has been what ive been dealing with for the past few weeks, so you can only imagine where my self-esteem is, i mean its pretty low, so low, that im starting to get to the point that i feel like ive become some sort of permanent annoyance for people, and i feel i should just leave everyone alone, and not talk to anyone. i think i should just leave ohio for an x amount of time, and i bet everyone would be fine, if not better. i mean does anyone actually benefit from me being around?

8 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 3 May :: 11.12 pm
:: Mood: sooo happy

i saw xmen today. Holy shit, loved it!! they so set it up for a trilogy and the next movie needs to come out now! i cannot wait to see it, it was really good. i went to see it with mike and some of his friends and jack, we are all like really big fans of the comics and the cartoon, and we were so happy to see the movie, and so pissed because now we have to wait for the next one. it had the biggest cliffhanger ever, even though i already know what happens with the next story line...ahh..im so gonna marry like half of the xmen haha

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 25 April :: 11.07 pm
:: Mood: pissed off

grr i hate people, lets get one thing straight, i do not love him, i do not have uncontrollable lust for him, i do not dream of marrying him, i have a crush on him, i like him, all teenagers go through this kind of thing! its normal! and over time it goes away! but noo lets make a big ass deal about it because its me, yea that makes me feel great, boy oh boy i feel loved

crush me