perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 15 May :: 9.22am
:: Mood: kinda sad...tired...not really sure about the rest

Well, this week was a little bit less stressful...Monday night I went to the Cabaret, Tuesday I hung around my house and then went to Meijer for awhile...Wednesday, I went out ot eat at Easy Street with Carmen...dinner was good, I had a pizza burger...she had a rather large BLT...we hung out for awhile after that, and I ended up missing curfew, which got me in trouble with my parents...they ended up "grounding" me for Friday...

Thursday, I had the orch concert after work...Carmen stopped by at work to visit me, and then went to her rehersal...I went home, had lasagna for dinner, and then went to the concert...I really liked the orchestra's performance, especially "Sing, Sing, Sing"...Carmen said the symph-orch did really well too, which was cool...after the concert, we went to Dairy Queen and messed around there for awhile...after that, I took her to her car, and came home...

Yesterday, I went to school with some dress clothes for filming later on...sat through the awards ceremony, listening to Loudan and Daniel be complete morons and assholes...after that, I went to what little I had left of art class...eventually, in 7th period, we went and filmed in Mr. Preston's class...after school, we got some film of Rada and others playing some basketball...worked out very well...I sat with Carmen, Esther, Doug, and Jackie while they rehersed, and then Carmen and I went to the Weston Library to get Matewan...we went to the mall after that...and then back to the highschool...that was the extent of our time together, and I went home and was bored...I watched Matewan and practiced bassoon, which didn't really help with my loneliness...

Today, hopefully, we will film what we need for our movie, and then be done with that...I work until 1 today, and then I will film, as previously mentioned...after filming, I hope to hang out with Carmen for awhile...Kat's birthday party is tonight, so I think I may go to that, if I am allowed...

Quote of the day:
"Everywhere there's lots of piggies
Living piggy lives
You can see them out for dinner
With their piggy wives
Clutching forks and knives
to eat their bacon "

:: 2004 12 May :: 9.52pm

I think I did enough gardening/yard work today to last a few weeks. Got home at 4:30 (went to walmart to buy flowers) then worked from then until 5:30 (half hour break for supper) finished weeding then planted flowers. Finished planting at 8, then after that mowed the yard. After mowing, raked grass.

Wow and that shower I took felt so amazing. Plus i was de-grassified from mowing. hah.

4 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2004 11 May :: 10.47pm

well, to-day was alright...didn't really do much, school was kinda boring...the talent show was fun...Went to a Model UN meeting after school, am looking forward to taking part in this organization...should be a fun time...

I went to Rally's with Carmen after the meeting, and then to work...it was alright, nice being in an air conditioned place (well, sometimes)...Carmen stopped by for a visit, which was nice...

After work, I came home and sat around...Carmen came over for awhile, and then she went to work on Calc...I sat around some more, and then went to meijer with carmen...bought some doritos and talked to Bob for awhile...yeup...

Last night, Carmen, her mom and dad and I attended the Cabaret, which was positively sweet...it provided nice entertainment and dessert (of which I had too much)...and that's about it...

No quote today, not in the mood...

:: 2004 11 May :: 10.17pm

embrace this moment
trace it to another time
before life
before this time

live it again
take in a breath
eat it up
don't take it back

ahhh the love of youth
the hate of it
but what's to say
nothing more
nothing less

:: 2004 11 May :: 8.28pm

you gotta love the rain. Really.

:: 2004 9 May :: 11.16pm
:: Music: Honors Festival

Well, this weekend has been pretty good for me...Saturday, although waking up rather early, wasn't so bad...I had a lovely time riding there and back with Carmen...I slept mostly on the way back, and she slept mostly on the way there...our performance warrented a 2, somehow...I believe we played better than we did at districts, but, alas, we did not do better...Ian and I have found a new calling for our life...a Jon Anderson concert with a 95-piece contemporary student orchestra...wow, we are going to try and get up there, and the 25th or something of May...upon our return, Carmen and I hung out for awhile at my house, and then went shopping for Mother's day...we came home, kinda had dinner, and then went off to Connie and Carla...unfortunately, Carmen suddenly got sick, and very tired, so we left...when we got home, she conked out, and I stuck around for an hour or so...I came home, and eventually, Britt and Amanda came over...Britt and I gave Amanda a quick lesson in video gamery, and then I took Amanda home...I was up, after that, playing some FF:CC, then called Carmen (around 1:30) and went to sleep...

I woke up at about quarter of 10...that was 8-odd hours of sleep for me...probably ranks up there for the largest amount of sleep attained in one sitting (laying)...I got up, played some more FF:CC (I'm getting hooked again)...Carmen called me around 10:45, and said she'd stop be by eventually...I continued with FF:CC, and eventually gave my mother her mother's day gift and card...I got to see my uncle and aunt today, and they met Carmen also...we had Subway for lunch (Carmen included), which was good...haven't had Subway in a while...after lunch and surfing the web, we headed over to Carmen's house for a tad, and then went rollerblading...we stopped by the library so I could check to see if there were any books for me to shelve, but there were none, so we didn't stick around...we rollerbladed down to the pet store to buy some pet shampoo, but they were closed...we proceeded to rollerblade down Pearl, arriving at the aftermath of a recent accident...someone ran into a telephone pole...although we decided to skate away, we wanted to stick around to see what happened...we then went down Eberly, pointing out people's houses along the way...we stopped and sat on a bench and chatted in the park...eventually, we got to Carmen's and just kinda crashed...we just laid around the house...I went home for dinner (which was surprisingly good)...I watched part of Runaway Jury, wasn't entertained much, and returned to Carmen's...I then went to lessons...things are coming along well, although it would be better if I'd had some time to practice this week...I returned to Carmen's after lessons, and watched some of Harry Potter...I left to go home, and watch some of the storm brewing up north...I got home, and eventually got to where I am now, in my boxers and my shirt, in my dad's office, and on the phone with Carmen...hmm...intriguing...

Quote of the day:
"Waves pound the gloomy shores,
I watch them roll across my feet so warm
I know she's waiting there for me"

:: 2004 9 May :: 8.31pm

I went to Prom this weekend. No not Prom in Bg, i went to Xach's over in Indiana. I surprisingly had a pretty good time. I haven't been to a dance since October of 2002 so it's been awhile.

I was meeting my family at Sauder's at eleven for Mother's Day so I had to leave Indiana at 9 because of the time difference. I'm surprised I actually made it there, I got lost at first. I turned on a road somewhere and went the wrong way somewhere else. Not fun. But I got there in one piece.

Thank you for a wonderful weekend Xach.

:: 2004 6 May :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: rain!

Well, my week has been rather busy...and it just seems to get more horrible everyday, in regards to my slutty friends...but anyways, onto my day...

School was alright, band kinda sucked...we don't seem to be making any progress, which we really need to be making...I really want to get a "1" at states...that'd be really cool...especially if I am going to be getting up at 5...and taking a 2 hour busride...but at least those bus rides will be with Carmen...we really wasted our rehersal last night...*sigh* it's not looking good...

In french, I passed today's quiz and the two I took yesterday...yay...

The art show was alright...it made me feel really low class...I haven't really accomplished anything this year...it made me feel really...below average...I wish my hands would do what my mind thinks, because then, I'd have really sweet pieces of art...not to mention that my two pieces didn't really give credit to what I am able to do...but still, what I am able to do isn't much...

Well, after school I went to orchestra...I'm beginning to like it more and more...it's going to be a pretty good performance...Lord of the Dance sounds liek a bad disco song, and Pirates is pretty cool...come see me preform next Thursday at kobacker...around 8 o'clock or so...

From orch, I went to work...Carmen came to visit me at work, which was great...she's come to visit me quite a bit recently, which is making me very happy...it is nice when friends come to visit you at work...Amanda does visit me also...but that's it...I guess my other friends have stopped caring about me...other than that, it sucked...Kristin is going to be at the orchestra concert next thursday, so she can finally see me play bassoon...

I went to the art show after work, and checked out the art work...had a long conversation wth Ally, something I haven't done in a while...I miss her...haven't had many classes with her in highschool...it kinda sucks...maybe I'll have AP with her next year, or Calculus...

I went and dropped by Carmen's rehersal...they're coming along...after that, I met up with my group and we worked for awhile on our project...actually, like 2 hours of work...then, I stopped by Carmen's and hung out with her for awhile....gave her a back rub....came home, ate dinner, and here we are...

Quote of the day:
"And you sadly wonder
does the nurse treat your old man
the way she should."

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 5 May :: 11.19pm
:: Mood: tired, overburdaned, annyoed, fed up, tired...
:: Music: House of the rising sun

Well, today was pretty busy...and tomorrow isn't looking much better...I'm getting over loaded...*sigh*

After school, Carmen and Doug came over, and we fooled around for awhile...that was fun...and then my day went downhill...majorly...I went to work for 2 hours, and then I went the PSEOP orientaion...biggest waste of my time...and (mostly) everybody's parents came along...mine didn't...yeah...after the orientation, I went to band, for about an hour and a half...yeah, that was a hoot...not at all...Mr. Headley was in a pissy mood, and we didn't get much accomplished...states aren't looking so good...after band, I went by Carmen's and sat with her for awhile...got plenty of hugs from her, and then returned home for dinner...grilled cheese...yum...

asiagirl1987: how was the interview?
Ruinach: she decided not to do it and we left
asiagirl1987: are you seriosu?!
asiagirl1987: oh my gosh
Ruinach: no
Ruinach: lol
Ruinach: it went fine
asiagirl1987: i wanna kill you so bad right now

My groupmates love eachother...

Quote of the day:
"so, so you think you can tell
heaven from hell,
blue skys from pain.
can you tell a green field
from a cold steel rail?
a smile from a veil?
do you think you can tell?

and did they get you to trade
your heros for ghosts?
hot ashes for trees?
hot air for a cool breeze?
cold comfort for change?
and did you exchange
a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?

:: 2004 4 May :: 11.05pm
:: Music: The Cars

Well, today was alright...I was a bit more comprehending during the day...Amanda had her pictures developed...they were nice...and I had a good, clean prom night, unlike the 2 friends of mine who decided to be dirty little whore...and the other 2 who decided to be recipients of said whores...yeah...

Quote of the day:
"We should have been
so much more by now
Too dead inside
to even know the guilt"

:: 2004 4 May :: 6.01pm

So i feel a little better. I figured out what my problem was. Nothing permenant, basically a bad mood that was taken out on just about everyone. Think i may go to bed alot earlier than usual so the bad mood doesn't return.

Blah with a capital b.

:: 2004 3 May :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: hard to tell...
:: Music: The Cars

Well, Saturday night was great fun...Amanda looked great, indeed her dress was perfect, and she definetly an extremely fun date to take to a dance...I got to dance with almost everybody I wanted to (except Laura, as I couldn't find her); Amanda, Carmen (who looked very pretty, by the way), Britt, Megan, and Lauren Clark...also (kinda) danced with Mrs. Anthony and G-Dawg...next time, I will need to get inserts for my shoes, so they do not kill my feet...or rip up my ankle...I snatched a fiber-obtic dealy-thing for my house! woo!

After-Prom was fun also...swam with Carmen and Esther, and sat the in the hot tub with them and some others...got a t-shirt, and watched the rigged raffle...hehe, silly rigged raffle...

Went to Carmen's after After-Prom...and I am glad that I did (even more so, strengthened more about 20 minutes ago)...since there were way too many people in the family/T.V. room, Carmen, Joshie, Kat, and I slept in the living room...we talked about random things (mainly His Holiness, the Owl God) and made fun of Josh's hyper-activity...fell asleep around 6...that was about 22 hours for me...so close to 24...hehe...

After I left Carmen's (around 1 o'clock), I took my tux back, and got some breadsticks at Luca's...I came home, relaxed, and then went back out...Carmen and I went to go fill out my time card...I came home, was extremely awesome at GunBound, and then went to look at pictures at Carmen's...eventually went home for dinner, and then back to Carmen's, then to Bassoon lessons...All-State is looking Achievable this year...Yay!

Today was pretty much blah...felt like shit...work was shit...hung out with Carmen afterward...picked up a Cars cd later on, and then came home...yeup...

Quote of the day:
"life's the same i'm moving in stereo
life's the same except for my shoes
life's the same you're shaking like tremolo
life's the same it's all inside you
it's so easy to blow up your problems
it's so easy to play up your breakdown
it's so easy to fly through a window
it's so easy to fool with the sound
it's so tough to get up
it's so tough
it's so tough to live up
it's so tough on you"

:: 2004 3 May :: 10.12pm

hmm...

well, not sure what to say right now. Not sure how i feel right now. Kind of bloated and agitated. wow, what a lovely combo.

Kind of mad at my face. Stupid face. Stupid hormones. Stupid stupid stupid. Don't know when or if it will stop being stupid. Hopefully by the end of this week. Yes, hopefully.

Well maybe i am tired, but i don't feel it. Think i am simply agitated. Lovely agitation.

K, think i am going to go anyways, even if i am not tired, i think sleeping will do me a bit if not alot of good.

:: 2004 1 May :: 7.49pm

Rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain iran rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain iran rain rain rain rain rain iran rain rain rain rian rain iran rain rain rain

:: 2004 29 April :: 10.43pm
:: Mood: tired...cranky...bad...
:: Music: Lamb of God

Well, I started to update last night, but shut down before I finished (because I forgot)...

(Wednesday) School had gotten better, as people returned to their normal moods...which is a good thing, because it is best not to dwell on such an event...in french, we started the verb tests...I didnt pass the first one, because I screwed up the imperitive form of donner...the rest of school was alright...Carmen, Kat, and Natalie (I believe) had visiting Ukrainian girls with them...I hope they got a good impression of our school, not a sterotypical one...

After school, I had cake, and then went home...I went to work at normal time...both Carmen and Amanda came to visit me, which was nice...Kristin made sure Amanda was fit for me to take to prom...I guess she passed the inspection...

After work, I came home, ate dinner, and then went to get my tux...I also got sandels while I was there...on the way home, my dad and I stopped by the Pharm to look for arch supports for my dress shoes...couldn't find them due to my feet being so damn large...I went over to Carmen's for awhile, but she wanted to spend time with Darya, so I left and was home before curfew...I played some GB, and then went to bed, talking to Carmen along the way...

Today was alright also...not too much happened...started making our balloons in chem...I'll be alone tomorrow because Ian is leaving to go visit Miami...slept through most of AS today...yeah...right after school, I had orchestra, which lasted until 3:45...I ran home to pick up my phone, and then went to work...had about an hour long meeting with Mrs. East...then I went and worked...because I had nothing to look forward to at home (except a lonesome dinner) I stuck around until 7:30...on the way home, I passed by the funeral home, definitely a sad sight...people were lined out the door and halfway down the block, cars lining wooster street and filling the old subway station...people were walking away from the funeral home in tears...

...Yeah...

At home, I ate dinner with the company of my GBA and Samus, my bitch...kicked some space pirate ass, we did...and that was about the rest of my night...I also practiced bassoon, and ended up very, very angry with it...yeah...

:: 2004 29 April :: 10.25pm

Today was weird. Was with sharon from 2-9:30. I am so suprised i haven't gotten sick of her yet. haha.

I would have been home earlier but my dad forgot about picking me up at 8, so it ended up being 9:30. Oh well. o well.

Tomorrow is the funeral. I wasn't going to go, but Sharon's mom and her are going so i am. I wanted to go, but it wasn't like i was going to go by myself. ugh. blah. I don't know what to say.

May hang out with Melissa tomorrow. Don't know yet mom is being queer about that. She says i need to be hom because it is jake ans laura's birthday. Well i wouldn't mind if it was the family birthday but it is the friend birthday. And i don't enjoy little rowdies running around everywhere. So if i have to stay home i am going to be locked in my room with the music quite loud.

blah. so many complications, so so so many.

6 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2004 27 April :: 9.44pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Today was a hard day...not so much for me, but for a lot of people...someone dear to them took his own life in a furious passion (I'm assuming)...hanging himself only to let the first eyes laid upon him be his mother's...I cannot imagine what went through her head as she entered the garage and saw what she saw...I wouldn't want to imagine...no parent should have to deal with that...it is every parent's wish to outlive their offspring, their wish for them to have a better life than they could have possibly lived...unfortunately, his parents will have to bury their son, who wasted his life...

Working for 3 hours in solitude, and being in school, I've had time to contemplate today's happenings...

Not only did he waste his life, he hurt everyone who cared about him...he acted quite selfishly, taking a life from this world, from his friends, from his family, and himself...the school today was filled with sadness, tears, anger, grief, despair, and 1 million other feelings...many of his friends spent their day in the office, annex, band room, or wherever seeking counsel...they were confused as hell...they needed help...he caused his friends so much pain, selfishly...

What would cause somebody to go to such extreme measures? Was it his baseball suspension, relationship trouble, trouble at home, trouble at school, or a combination of these? What was his reasoning for ending his life? Whatever it may be, it wouldn't matter, there is no justifying such an act...it was a poor decision, a permanent and final solution to a temperary problem...

I had met Derek...I played on his baseball team one year, and against him many times...he went to St. Als with me, albeit a grade below, but still, I knew his face...through my interactions with him, I found him to a bit unsavory and my relationship went as far as that with him...

There is more that I could say, but I'm not sure it could be formed into words...

Today has affected me, not physically, but mentally and emotionally...

Some of you may find what I'm saying a bit hypocritical...why? I was down this road last July, very near my own death...I've looked back, wondering what the fuck was I thinking...I can't believe I was that close to sleeping forever. I'm pretty sure only two people know to this date that I had those intentions...I am extremely glad that I made the decision I did, and chose life over death...so much has happened in between now and then, and that wasn't even one year! Imagine how much I would have missed in the upcoming 88 years of my life...Luckily, I'm far from that path with none of it in sight...

As Carmen put it, "I hope heaven finds you well" Derek...and may we all learn from your decision...

:: 2004 27 April :: 9.26pm

It seems that the world is coming undone. The seams that hold us together from day to day are unravelling slowly; surely.

The things I found joy in -- ectasy in -- are now nothing but bland remedies for a rather boring life. I have lost the passion that once overflowed from me and the belief that there is always hope. Perhaps this is only a momentary loss, and I will awake someday and feel vitality in me again. But until then I am sorrowfully afraid I will remain pessimistic.

The events of one fateful day can change the heart of a person forever. I am afraid my heart has been changed. And i am not sure when or if it will ever be healed. I pray that it will, but cynicism runs deep and cold.

:: 2004 26 April :: 9.16pm

Feeling a bit ill. Hm, ill maybe in the mental respect, or in the physical respect? i'm not sure yet, my head and my belly hurts so i guess that can count as both.

School went alright today. Had 3 quizzes and one test. Kind of exhausting, especially when i had to use both of my studyhall periods to take them. (make up things from when i was gone) so i felt kind of rushed since my day is usually very relaxed. Maybe that is a factor in the sick feeling now. ugh, who knows. Maybe it also has to do with the fact that i am on page 90 out of 711 and i have until Thursday to finish.

yah, that may be it.