::
2004 24 December :: 3.19 pm
soo its christmas eve.. i guess its better than last year.. maybe thats just because i actually havemy sister this year or maybe because i havent really had enough time to sit downa nd think about it because ive been rushing around everywhere..
who knows but xmas blows and so does being alone..
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 23 December :: 7.28 am
goodmorning
*whoever reads this remember it is just a dream*
i had this horrible dream last night.. that we were at school and i brought a knife... and lizzy had planned on killing meaghan.. but instead killed amanda burch.. the cops came and took both lizzy and i away we were put into our cells and we just sat theres for hours.. some people showed us around the prison.. like where we eat and stuff.. i looked over to the side and their was a giant concert with moshpitts everywhere and me and lizzy went in...then the night came and they brought us our pills, i figured some were sleeping pills etc.. lizzy took hers and i took a few of mine..somehow i got released but lizzy was still in jail.. i randomly saw matt hamel and he said that jodi gold ripped me off HAH then i was in my kitchen looking at the 2 pills i had left and all of a sudden they unfurled and they were worms with long arms that were running all over my counter i killed both of them and missed lizzy alot :( i dont remember what happened next but i also remember being in las vegas which was also st martin and lizzy and i swam where we had on out trip..
i dont know what these dreams mean.. theyre a bit fucked up...
- manda
1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 21 December :: 6.34 am
:: Music: dont turn around x ace of base
when did the sun start to rise so early? and so fast? in a matter of minutes the once dark world is overwhelmed by a glow from the warm crisp sun of winter.. glistening over the snow reflecting a time of change and animosity..
on a different note.. i talked to anthony last night, i hadnt talked to him in a while i think hes gonna try n come to natickk sometime this week :-) yayyy
im so ready for break.. no matter how much sleep i get im still tired.. every day..ick people suck too.. but whatever i wont bitch
ill write more later..
- amanda
*were too far gone to make it work
your too empty now to make it worth
the trouble id see for breaking his heart
and why would i risk getting torn appart
were too far gone to be the same
too distant now to call you by name
were too different people with our hands at our throats
begging for love begging for more
were too far gone..*
1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 19 December :: 4.39 pm
someday
i was 6 years old hiding in my room
crying to myself thinking nobody loved me
so i made my own and got on with my life
i stepped out of the dark and into the light
i watched my mom walk away
after making me who i am today
for the good? for the bad? dont think ill ever know
but ill always think of her whenever it snows
where were you when i needed you
too fucked up to care
where were you? were you there?
too fucked up to care
(chorus)
sun comes out now
dry your eyes now
someday your time will come
and everything be alright
teenage girl left in control
with a selfobsessed dad and a case of depression
borderline life between health and pain
this try to be normal shit of a life drove me insane
in a dark room writing my life
thinking of how to press down my knife
maybe once its over maybe once its gone
theyll realize they cant carry on
where were you when i needed you
too fucked up to care
where were you? were you there?
too fucked up to care
(chorus)
im damaged, broken, bleeding and bruised
my heart is bolted wont let no one through
think about my mothers arms
too fucked up to care anymore..
maryjane and ecstacy
make for a wonderful disease
make me happy make me feel
like this emotion is somehow real
where were you when i needed you
too fucked up to care
where were you? were you there?
too fucked up to care
(chorus)
im different.. your different
its different lifes different
im too fucked up
i dont care
im too fucked up
to care anymore
3 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 16 December :: 7.46 pm
i just dont know how to
tell you everything i feel
i want to, i need to
but if i did you wouldnt even hear
to ride you's like a one way train
and when im with you my thoughts go insane
i just look at you and i know the truth
that i better get away.. today..
(chorus)
i gotta get out and make it on my own
i need to leave you before im left alone
its a game of who played who
i'm just wishing the winner wasnt you
i heard about some other girl in bed with you
i laughed it off and denied the proof
but i smelt her on you when you held me
and i tasted lies when you were kissing me
bury my heart in a 10 foot hole
theres only so much that your mind can control
but the indents in my heart will always remain
the vouture to this reoccuring pain
(chorus)
the scent of deceit is whisping through my hair
its veil is falling over everybody whos never there
im tired of trying if i only fall
im sick of loving when you dont love at all
i know i have to run before im consumed
but each time you kiss me i know that im doomed..
to be trapped forever in the grip of your stare
and that each night your with her.. ill be waiting there..
(chorus)
as the moonlight cascades down the strands of my hair
hold my hand and tell me you care
then run back to her like your somebodys pet
maybe someday youll realize what you havent yet
that somebody loves you for all that you are
and someone would reach to you no matter how far
that each breath they made every day
would be just for you what more can i say?
i just dont know how to
tell you everything i feel
i tried to, i knew to
but you didnt even hear...
kiss me in moonlight
take me where the sun wont even shine...<3
well thats about all my creativity heres a poem of thoughts..
fate or free will?
today i caught myself difting into thought
as the smoke slowly cascaded over the crowded room
i felt as if this world could skip right over me
lost in thought and repeatition of time
as my heart beat matched the ticking of the clock
i stared into his eyes and the depth consumed me
driving through me like the blade of a knife
my nerves were rendered powerless
under the command of the thoughts in my head
i suddenly snapped into reality
does my heart not truly love? and only the brain?
are people alone for a reason? am i just insane
i dreamt to myself what love would feel like
whats the reason i am alive like i am
and who am i here to save? who is to die?
i argued myself like a skitzofranic freak
as i dodged my own questions in the mine feild of a room
am i making these choices which so greatly change my days
or do the stars hold my fate as i walk beneath them
can my future be told to me, read like book
or is the truth hidden inside where no man can look
is this soul of emotion going to waste
as i drag on my cigarette and practice for fame
do i contradict all the morals i preach?
if i were a teacher what would i teach?
is there a message that my life conveys?
or am i a loser with nothing to say
i ponder lifes questions words are drifting away
into the sky, the stars, the galaxy for no one to hear
i write this poetry in hopes of appathy and commiseration
when satan looks for sinners and god looks for innocence
my name will appear on both dotted lines
which will my mind and soul choose to sign?
my thoughts begin to swirl in a fit of rage
slamming my braincells like a punching bag
after self mutilation and drug deprivation
ive tempted myself well enough
the crystal endeavor held close to my lips
allows for an array of topics
a list of words upon a blank clean slate
and i slowly sink back into the realms of thought
the mirky waters consume what is left of my life
and as i drown myself in confusion
i am reminded of one thing...
wow.. thats fucking all me and all no thought...i just let my hands and mind flow.. niceeee
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 12 December :: 11.09 pm
just when everything was making sense.
you took away all my self-confidence.
now all that i've been hearing must be true.
i guess i'm not the only boy for you.
[Chorus:]
but that's what i get
that's what i get
that's what i get
that's what i get
how could you turn us into this?
after you just taught me how to kiss you.
i told you i'd never say goodbye.
i'm slipping on the tears you made me cry.
but that's what i get.
that's what i get.
that's what i get.
that's what i get.
for trusting you.
that's what i get.
why does it come as a surprise.
to think that i was so naive.
maybe didn't mean too much.
but it meant everything to me.
2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 11 December :: 3.47 pm
i realized that i need to feel needed.. i need to feel loved.. i need to feel like i have some purpose or else ill go insane.. ive found that i run back to the ones wholl take me.. so that i can feel like i belong.. i dont know whats wrong with me.. but i do need help.. im all fucked up.. and this christmas will be as miserable as the last..
and my sister.. the last family tie that i love.. is going to switzerland for college in less than 3 weeks..
theres nothing left for me here.. nothing left for me to take comfort in.. i just have friends, weed, poetry and art.. thats it.. thats all thats here for me.. ive given up on relationships.. ive given up on trust.. ive given up on my family.. ive almost given up on me..
i just wish that things would be easy... i wish that things could work themselves out on their own for once.. i wish that my singing would make me something.. that i will be appreciated.. i mean thats all that people who kill themselves want.. they want an escape from the pain.. they want people to realize that they needed them.. they want people to pay attention to the fact that theyre gone and you didnt get to tell them how you really felt.. i assure you ive thought about all of this more than twice.. sometimes i just laugh at myself for even thinking that my singing would take me anywhere.. its just a childhood dream..
im pathetic.. and self concious just waiting to be needed.. and waiting to open myself up to anyone whose willing to give me a chance.. im used to being hurt.. im used to be let down.. thats what you get when your me.. constant dissapointment.. constant stiving for more that you will never reach.. thats what its like to be me.. to want to be something you could never be.. thats me..
- amanda
4 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 9 December :: 7.00 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: we might as well be strangers
im still at lizzys since my daddy ruptured his disc.. it doesnt feel like this has been a week that i had school.. i went to the concert monday and have been sleeping here all week.. lol its funny well woohu just got changed i guess and im not sure if i liek this set up.. its kinda uglty and just like live journal and all of them i liked woohu cuz it was different and easy to use.. but i guess goodbye to that :(
i hung around with pat lizzy tom and jimmy yesterday and then went to jimmy l's house and then dana came.. hadnt hung out with them in a while...
well i gotta get going to school so ill make a real update later when i get home
- manda
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 5 December :: 10.23 am
so yesterday i went out with michael ej and jimmy and then stephy came and she makes me laugh i love her then she drove me to the damn play and i sat through it :-\ then i went to my loves for a few and watched some weird movie lol it was creepy..
well im about to get some food just figured id catch up on my entries...
ps. i got in a fight with my dad and told him i hated susan.. and i really wish both of them would die because im not happy.. not one bit..
2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 2 December :: 5.33 pm
well i guess im an idiot for leaving this thing open for peoples eyes to see.. my dads a fucking fagget and read it.. what the hell right does he have to read my personal journal? just because its online doesnt mean its not personal i mean i dont care if ppl read it cuz whatever i have it for people to understand me.. which i doubt anyone does.. but he.. he has no right i absolutely loathe him and wish i could keep my *sang froid* but i cant i just wish that he would die and i wish my mom could come home.. thats all i want for christmas..
just to be happy..
but we all know wishes never come true..
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 30 November :: 10.37 pm
randomly feeling depressed...
a million whispers left unspoken
a million word left unsaid
a thousand ways to feel so used
lying naked in his bed
i refuse to be the one to wait
and waste my thoughts on you
i lie to myself like its just a game
but ive always known the truth
ill fool the world around me
pretending its only a crush
but when im around you my lips start to shake
the feeling is almost to much
its too much to handle all in one night
but ill soon be numb to the pain
ill follow this path til the road goes unpaved
and my sanity is slowly drifting away
ill trick myself into pretending im right
and ill never admit to these sins
hiding them deep inside of me
once one ends another begins
silence can never be broken
it wont shatter under your attack
ill never give up, you wont knock me down
ill be left with only a scratch
a mark to show that youve been there
and broken what is left of me
i just want to like that person
that reflection in the mirror i see
despondancy runs in my veins now
thicker and colder than before
im told to move on to get better
but i only wonder what for
the dust is settling on my bookshelf
where pictures of you and i lay
but a memory is not near to reality
so in my dreams youll stay
ill break myself down on the inside
for you, so you can like what you see
i wont give this up i wont let you down
ill fight me like a disease
bleed open for you and show you all i am
like the others who have broke me before
so after tonight ill know that its over
after one step.. and the close of the door..
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 30 November :: 6.42 am
:: Music: chainsmoker LP
well its 6:30 and theres no words to describe all of the thoughts surculating through my brain right now..
ugh i dont know what i want... who i want.. if i want anything at all.. i really dont know.. i get so sick of my thoughts and how i am.. at times i just wish i was anybody else..
well..im too tired to write too much.. bye
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 20 November :: 10.31 am
:: Mood: ehh
:: Music: wait and bleed x slipknot
i dont know what is upsetting me.. but im leaving tomorrow and im excited but i feel like people are just gonna get along without me and when me and lizzy get back people wont wanna hang out with us anymore not naming any names but it happened to johnny and i dont want "someone" to do it to me too...
just thinking about shit lately has given me this horrible feeling in the pitt of my stomachejust thinking about the past and the future whats gonna haopen i cant handle it i really cant..
"why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me?"
So be it, I'm your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, dont need to say it
editi think im hanging out with jimmy and dana tonight when lizzy get shere end edit
new song!!!!!!!
your in my head again
for another night in row
this is getting to comfortable for me
i need to be able to let you go
ill use you up while you use me
no one gets hurt it sounds so easy
ill breath you in youll breath me out
thats what intoxications all about
you be the knife ill be the vein
hold me close while im driven insane
useless is this medicine
feel better in the arms which make me hurt
(chorus)
twilights
of reds and whites
slowly coloring you in
mystery
haunting me
as your cooly playing your guitar
piano notes are echoing
and the showers still running
the beds still unfolded
and your pictures still so stunning
im numb because youve shot me up
im dumb because i fell in love
i broke because i need your help
im here because you do me well
cant let you get into my heart
sex and love are best kept appart
i know your body i know your face
to give up now would be a waste
(chorus)
the scent of skin has filled the room
my body you have begun to consume
im lost in you heaven take me now
youve locked me here i dont know how
your in my head again
for another night in row
this is to comfortable for me
i cant let you go..
you used me up while i used you
keeping my heart wasnt easy to do
i breath you in while you breath me out
thats what this game is all about...
1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 16 November :: 8.04 pm
found my moms diary from her sophmore year today.. i remmeber reading it when i as really young and imagining what it really meant. its ironic that i could find it this year..
i feel like sending it to her with a letter that just said.. read this and tell me how you think i feel..
ah theres a lot of things id like to do but dont.. i make up reasons not to.. so i cant get hurt or fuck up.. im alwatys doing that like think about it.. i wont singin front of ppl cuz im afraid of messing up.. i wont play sports cuz im afraid ill mess up wont say shit cuz im afraid ill get made fun of god damn i need confidence..
well im half way through the journal and will mostlikely finish it tomorrow.. ill let you know
heres a few things i found interesting from it
"when we got there the boys came up to us and said "why werent you at the hockey game? dont you like to fool around"
"i wish to be a great writer and marry richie, and be beautiful and know alot more"
"promise me one thing oh beautiful human being, that time shall ease no love we shared, that a bird shall noy wisp away the strands which link us together. so fragile, and so easily broken. oh god i miss you and how will it be if you are a year gone, i want to make love to you - again."
"when mom and linda were at the mall i took a swig of southern comfort yum- but uck if i dont have to pretend. alchohol is something i dont understand, its so bad tasting and yet everybody love it.. yuck!"
"i love richard, he was the first one to 1. french kiss 2 say "i love you" 3. pet me 4. ask me about pot 5. write me 6. call me etc etc etc (p.s. you arent listening"
"i really wonder about life sometimes. these days are supposed to be such happy times. im so worried about whats gonna happen that i cant enjoy today"
"i had this really dumb test in health. it was about drugs woopie.! didnt really study but heres the good stuff. afte rthe test the teacher goes "i read that thi kid was on LSD at a party and he slit his wirsts and wrote a suicide note that said im sorry mom"
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 11 November :: 4.18 pm
last night was the night... 1 year ago.. it makes me sad to think about how much has changed since then.. how different we all were.. and all the different things we wanted..
11-10.. always a day to remember..
lizzy and i slept at michaels house and smoked a dutchy early in the am.. and it was SO coldddddddddd
kelsey hates me now apparently..i dont know i guess jimmy told her i hooked up with robbie.. which i did but it was ONCE and it was a long time ago before the summer..and obviously i didnt say anything to her about it because i knew shed be sad and i didnt want that to happen..i obviously should have told her because having someone else tell someone something is much worse.. i wish that she wouldnt get so angry tho.. its not like she owned(s) him.. i dont know its all so dumb.. it was in the past...like many other things id like to forget..
well thats it for now..
- amanda
3 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 7 November :: 11.05 am
so last night was gonna be borring and then randomly derek and happy and andrew showed up and picked me and lizzy up :)
but lizzy had to go home so me by my lonesome went with them to some chicks house for a party and then got some pot and went to this other chicks house and smoked a little baby bong (so cute) and a sick sherlocky looking pipe.. was gooooood
ya.. andrews gorgeous.. ::drools::
today i have work :( ick and then later i think might be hanging out with dana? well i will update later cuz im just that cool
- amanda
1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 6 November :: 1.47 pm
i was thinking today as i was reading "ordinary people" about how i felt when i was depressed.. how i thought that things would never get better.. well.. they really havent ive just moved on and im sick of moving on and letting go of everything all of teh time why cant eveyrthing just stay a constant luke warm where i never have to get too hot or too cold.. i can just stay mild, neutral reach my equilibrium i mean thats what we all want isnt it? just like the cells im learning about in bio.. isnt that all we really want? to reach a perfectly neurtal emotion, relationship, job, something challenging yet simple.. easy yet hard.. fun yet serious.. everybody is looking for that.. and i dont know just what to look for.. i feel so lost.. so disconected.. so unwanted that i could break down at any moment i feel saddned by any simple thought..
i dont understand the simple things in life, i constantly seem to try to search for a deeper meaning to everything an alterior motive you might say.. a reason for why and how things are the way they are.. and why some things really arent as they appear.. why im not really as i think i am and how my poor judgement will affect me.. im not sure what to do now.. i guess this marijuana helps me get through dull low points and never ceases to make even minute borring situations worth remembering.. just that slight push to euphoria.. even if it is only for an hour or two.. its better than nothing at all right?
dont wanna drain people with my sadness so i just kinda brush it aside.. i dont think about it and it just doesnt seem to bad but whenever the certain topics are brought up im showered with tears.. but why break the cadence of simplicity? why bother to question anymore.. when the answers are painted blatently on our foreheads? i can read everything every thought every motive every aliby.. i read them like books.. like encyclapedias theyre something to learn from as i see it.. learn from other peoples mistakes hone my own judgements and outlooks by listening to theirs, use them as practice for out in the real world.. the real world? whats real anymore? even reality shows are staged, scripted.. what the hell is real? im real, me a teenager who doesnt know who she is or where she belongs, thats real.. someone looking for somebody to actually give a damn looking for that one thing she succeeds at.. for that one person who completes her.. thats real and the pains real and the memories are real.. but eventually theyll fade away into the abyss of things that were.. never to be experienced again.. thats the reality.. that nobody cares about anything but their own sucess their own well being..playing games of who does more for who.. when all people really need is that neutral water.. that 15 minutes of fame... the second in their life when they realize thats where they belong.. thats their reason for being here.. thats whats real..
what a mad world..
im late to get dressed and go to johnnys house so ill continue my ranting later on..
- manda
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 1 November :: 3.48 pm
:: Mood: refreshed
:: Music: instant pleasure x rufus wainwright
alright so now its november first and everything is just.. passing me by so fast im not really changing or helping myself as i should im just the same moving along in time.. and i should be correcting my faults, fine tuning my vocals and aquiring new writing skills but everything is just.. the same...
i dont know what exactly im feeling right now, its awkward and i sometimes get these horrible feelings in the pitt of my stomache but dont even know what caused it.. some thought or vision emblazoned deeply in my mind perhaps?
who knows.. last night was halloween and it didnt even seem like it.. i as at fright fest which i may say was the best ever, damn it was so good.. i had a great time.. believe me ;-) it just didnt feel like halloween.. none of the holidays feel like holidays anymore.. every since my mom left.. this was my second halloween without her.. and soon will come my 2nd thanksgiving and christmas.. and birthday.. and none of them will hold any meaning..
why does life have to deal such a bad hand?
*light skin dark eyes*
light skin dark eyes
they move me and they do hypnotize
baby you could take it all away
and id still be sitting here just the same, today
light skin dark eyes
glowing in the dark like fire flies
the passion is growing from within
and i dont know where i can begin
light skin dark eyes
every moment with you is paradise
golden rays fall even sweeter now
across my tan euphoric spoiled brow
light skin dark eyes
each road that i take, holds a new surprise
twists and turns, i really dont mind them much
as long as i can always feel your touch
(chorus)
the moment i saw you
i knew it was true
knew i could feel it,
i knew it was you
since then i told you
id never let you go
your light skin, and dark eyes
drive me out of control
light skin dark eyes
mysterious while out of your disguise
i feel like i have touched these forbidden fruits
fed the fire to the beast, my heart ran loose
(chorus)
light skin dark eyes
envelope me and take me for a ride
its something few will ever see
and im glad your girl is me
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 31 October :: 10.35 am
ITS FUCKING HALLOWEEN BABYYYY
fright fest in a matter of hours!!!!
<33
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
::
2004 27 October :: 7.39 pm
:: Music: mercy kiss x abandoned pools
i dont know what i think anymore.. i guess im happy, maybe? i sometimes miss the old times.. but i really dont remember what they were like.. i really like that ive made new friends..i like keeping busy and making money and having fun :-) you only live once.. and your only a teenager once why not make the best of it?
the whole meaghan situation is fucked up.. i honsetly forget why i hated her in the first place.. hum maybe it was the rumors factor or the fact that she talked so much shit to ppl about me.. i dont know i just wish shit wasnt so fucked.. i dont think i regret anythign thats happened cuz obviously theres some reason were not friends and have gotten into huge fights like this more than once... i mean i was drunk on gonchas bday and i wanted to appoligize to meg.. and they say "drug words are sober thoughts" but when im sober my other thoughts are bias and i get pissed off and dont wanna talk to her.. i dont know um fucked..
people talk so much shit about ppl who smoke and shit.. its so dumb it doesnt change who u are how live what your like i am the same person.. i just like pot because its a temporary blink of happiness its not like i cant be happy without it.. i can.. it just is fun! idk..
i dont like anyone as of right now surprisingly.. i guess i really havent found anyone worth liking right now who i know will actually like me back.. hummm chances are slim to none..
men = ass yes i said it lol
well i guess thats it for now
4 DAYS TIL FRIGHT FEST!!!!
8 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
xX.Inspiration.Xx |
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