FUCK YOU
well last night was pretty gay

meg, if you have a problem with me then u fight me dont get your friends to try n beat me up

thats just stupid

well im pretty deppressed today since im alone

keep thinking about joe alot.. and liek the past n shit

i think im gonna go decorate my walls

byebye

hummm

Yesterday

say goodbye to yesterday
tomorrows gone too soon
kiss the stars goodnight
hug the man in the moon
roll a couple snowballs
for the very last time
stick teh carrot in the snowmans nose
and pour a glass of wine
getting home from sledding
and talking to a friend
these years have all passed
down hill nows where we descend
no more second chances
or its okay theres tomorrow
the sand has run out
and teh future looks so hollow
empty spaces
void of love
clouded visions
of the heaven above
say goodbye to yesterday
tomorrows gone too soon
kiss the stars goodnight
hug the man in the moon
the moon has risen
supplying some light
and the day is gone
and out of sight
the memories and photographs
are stored away
i asked you once i asked you twice
please dont come back another day
the years i was hurt
are finally past
this shit is over
dont make it last
the bliss of childhood
was never over rated
forget every dinky fight
and every guy youve ever dated
dont ever missplace the friends you had
they shouldnt be lost or left behind
becuz inside them are peices of you
peices that you will never find...
say goodbye to yesterday
tomorrows gone too soon
kiss the stars goodnight
hug the man in the moon
roll a couple snowballs
for the very last time
stick teh carrot in the snowmans nose
and pour a glass of wine


uh yea... pretty self explanitory....

brian, i want you to know im always here for you no matter what...
heres to you...

Brian

a look in your eyes
and you got me hooked
cant pull myself away from you
indescribale feelings when im in your arms
i feel so safe
i feel so warm
even in the rain
and on the bed of leaves
so romantic
and so intimate
i dont knwo how you feel
or hwo you will in the future
but im here for you no matetr what
i
love
you
and everything about you

maybe your gonan be the one that saves me
just a bit of poetry.... to painstaking to write them all by hand

UNWANTED

people around me mocking me
baracades keep blocking me
staring straight in my eyes
burning passion rising high
jealousy crowding spaces
seeing all these worn out faces
lost children in the crowd
nothing sappy, nothing proud
indecisive thoughts squirming in my brain
the looks your burning eyes send driving me insane
un related, un relentless,insecure and delirious
mysterious...
the fog and haze are making me fall appart
broken words, from a broken heart

INFINITY

silver lining
worn out hearts
missplaced books
and dusty shelves
time ticking
quickly passing
missing everything about you

censored, blocked out
cant see you anymore
dont feel you, breath you,
need you anymore
untamed, forgotten
and left out there
alone, although i can see you

dont hit me, toss me
pass me around
i wont bleed you anymore
i wont defeat you anymore
unwanted, unbelieveable...
unforgettable..

silverlining
and worn out tears
missplaced books
and dusty shelves

time quickly passing...

Red

disfiguring
taking teh sahpe of anything
rouge, red, rojo, roet
anyway you say it
not glorified at all
this color it pains me
staining my skin
my heart
my brain
my fingertips
like red tears they fall to the table
writing my lifes story in red ink
releasing the phrases my words refuse to speak
releasing the pain, time refuses to heal
this rush
this feeling it pushes me
kicks me
bruises me
red, rouge, rojo, roet
no matter how you say it
not glorrified at all...


Unbreakable

the whispers of the wind
bend and break your will to stay above
penitrable
allowing anything to pass you by
watching all of your feats
so high, so distant, so pourous
a soft breeze passes through golden rays
warming the earth beneath you
untamed
unloved
unkempt
white and angelic you sit
pure and distant from any evi
unmistakeable
your mist encompasses me
captivated
i fall to my knees
blank kisses fall upon my cheek
an angel, a figmant, an illusion
you are no more...

Still Standing

ive been kicked around
and left behind
but im still standing
i fall behing
and i sink below
but im still standing
untrusted with love
unloved by trust
but im still standing
ive been falling lately
its gettting hard to conquer
but ims till standing
the same thing is jerking me
nagging in my brain
but im still standing
even as i sleep...
i dream of you deserting me...
but im still standing
broken glass,
my favorite disposition
shattered fallen to the floor
incapable
words squirming
pushing
bursting through the surface


red wine
lingering,
my favorite disposition
unquenchable nostalgia
shards of glass
streaming red down my arms

red wine,
my favorite disposition
sweet
cool texture..
tart, unbearable after taste
revolting

you,
my favorite disposition

----------------------------------------------

Lying Mirror
your the stranger
i dont know you
youve comitted pseudocide
and your back again
lack of trust
lack of fidelity

your the stranger
i dont know you
stranger looking in the mirror
vacant eyes staring back at me
once so deep
now so shallow

your the stranger
i dont know you
broken glass
streaming red down my wrists
self defense
against myself

your the stranger
i dont know you

---------------------------------------------

change

floating leaves
dropping from lifeless branches
numb
to any frigid cold
to any burning heat
numb to any emotion
wilted and withered
the seasons change and
life must change
all things must change
colors change
turn teh next page
warm
turn teh page again
cold
open a new book
chapters change...people change...

-------------------------------------------

Reflections
reflections
eyes pouring out tears
refect veins pourign out blood
overwhelming
distanced i watch you from afar
making sure not to get hurt
not to risk my heart

reflections
newborn babies
reflect full grown adults
vulnerable in so many ways
soft spots
penitrable
try to watch from afar
always longing for the game

reflections
falling leaves
reflect sorrow
wilted and withered
dropping from lifelsss branches...
reflections


Lying Mirror 2

i look in the mirror
disgusted by what i see
mirror, please lie to me

i look in the mirror
i want to bleed
mirror please lie to me...

i look in the mirror,
unplant this seed
mirror please lie to me

i look in teh mirror
disgusted by me
mirror please lie to me

i look in the mirror
tortured by reflectes of me
mirror please lie to me

i look in the mirror
crying, and begging please
mirror please lie to me

i look in teh mirror,
and begin to pleed
mirror please lie to me

i look in the mirror,
i hate me
i hate me
i hate me
i dont like what i see
mirror please lie to me

mirror please lie to me

-------------------------------------------------

Healing

slits may turn into scars
holes may heal from wounds
pills may dissolve in your stomache
but your mind stays under, consumed

after the blood has been cleaned up
after the caps are screwed on
after the acid is put all away
after the vodkas all gone

since youve left me theres no one here
no one to hug me no one to care
but the wounds will heal, i guess with time
with a blink of an eye or a look, or a stare

the floor is all shiny
the blades been sharpened sitting in teh kitchen sink
the tylenhols waiting dont hesitate
dont look at pictures dont bother to think

leave it all behind now
dont bother living a life
gather your paper and take out a pen
and extole the glimmering knife...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

From you I hide

i hide behind teh smiles
the grins and moon shaped eyes
the brown long hair
and soft pink lips
i hide behind the eyeliner
and shadow glistening eyelids
the black nail polish
the black ink on my wrists
and the rhinestone bracelets
i hide behind the stories
and repuations
that the past has layed before me
i hide behind the friends
the freckles
the poetry
and the coolwater perfume
i hide behind the oppulence
the silver coins
and paper money
i hide behind the humor
to keep me from being hurt
and the jokes should ease teh pain
i hide behind baracades
the stop signs
and red lights
i hide behind precautions
and lame excuses protecting me
from what i know ill become
i hide behind the protraits
the paint the artistic visions
confusing reality with alter egos
i hide behind the roses
which each a bloody prick
and tumble down
i hide behind you
i hide...


------------------------------------------------------------------



Herroine

venomous touch
the sting from a bee
a bite from a dog
the after sting the pain in my arm
the shot in my vein
stop this polonged pain
cant stop the habbit
so hard to break
but this pains so hard to take
stop the imports
the constant shots of the insane
massacar
self defense.. against myself
the pain i feel when i kiss your mouth
mind games torture me
pushig pulling rough as the sea
salting wounds
stick the needle in me
ill be a man, i wont dare cry
stick it in and dont ask why
cuts will heal
and drugs will wear off right?
i wont wake up in a panic in teh middle of teh night
open teh cabinet and grab the next to the sink
And then swallow them bit by bit remembering every scar
As a valid reason for every drink
after its all thrown up
these scars wont be all sewn up
But there is blood underneath that skin
That scar is not so easy to erase
shoot it in, im not insane and wild
maybe im wrong, but everyone gets bored once ina while


i havent written alot.. dont really get the chance to...

just felt like writign so there haha

nothing special


well i havent written in this for a while.. sorry all who care

things have been very busy with school and after school shit...

well last night was the kick ass WICKED WONKA TOUR! it was sooo awesome!!!!! ah im in love with john morris :-) he sso damn sexy!

haha lizzy lost hee glasses!!!!!! aww poor baby, we had to each wear one contact ahahahah

kels n meg got their noses done, they look cute :-) love em'

well its late and i gtg take a shower...

love you bunches

<3 Manda

some of my fave songs....
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was
CHORUS:
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service
REPEAT CHORUS
You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x

why do I say I'm fine
when it's obvious I'm not, why's it so hard to tell you what I want
why can't you just read my mind?
Why do I fear that the quieter I am
the less you will listen
why do I care whether you like me or not
why's it so hard for me to be angry
why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
and not the other way around

x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x

Don't gimme no reasons cause you
don't comprehend what am I feelin'
You never think twice before you break all the rules
You gotta be crazy if you think I'm a fool
You're givin' me somethin' I don't need anymore
Just gimme the word and I'll be slammin' the door

x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x

I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you
You took me for a joke
You took me for a child
You took a long hard look at my ass
And then played golf for a while
Your shake is like a fish
You pat me on the head
You took me out to wine dine 69 me
But didn't hear a damn word I said

x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x . . o . . x
I'm having dreams in the night of you baby
And Sigmund Freud would have thought I was crazy
I wonder why you've become an obsession
All I know is that I need to have your big bad love
Big bad love [3k]
You keep on lovin' and lyin'
You've turning me into a fool babe
But I'm not screamin' or cryin'
There's better things we have to do baby
It takes a lot for me to truly believe
That you could love me unconditionally
And I'm terrified of taking a chance
If you're not ready to believe in romance
Who...I wonder why I am so unrelentless
There's nothing that I can do to prevent this
And the dream I am not apprehensive
All I know is that I need to have your...
[CHORUS:]
Big bad love
I need a love with an attitude
Big bad love
The only kind that I want from you
Big bad love
I need it from you so urgently
Big bad love...need it baby yeah yeah yeah
I'm not avoidin' your lovin'
'Cause I can afford to be blue babe
I keep on pushin' and shovin'
I can't get enough out of you baby
I don't believe your blood is bad to the bone
'Cause then you're different when we're here all alone
And if you knew the game I wanted to play
Now would you say the words I want you to say ...who
I'm am so relentless...I can't prevent this... I am not apprehensive
All I know is that I need to have your big bad love

HELLO!
Hey Manda Bear!

Its Hollis, hope ya don't mind I hacked onto your journal to write you a little note. Thanks a bunch that you are making my journal look all pretty.

Um, yeah I had fun hanigng with you today, also I can't wait till this weekend with the new HOT TUB!

Its going to be some good, fun memories!

Well I guess I'll see you tomorrow in that little shit hole we know as "School"...

Love ya lots! you god damn waffle buns!

~Baby Hollis :o)

just another note.. lol

Who were you in a past life? by Kat007
Name:
Birthdate:
Favorite Color:
Country:
You were most probably:	An unknown poet
If not then you were:	A great but unheard of poet
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

hmmm yea sounds about right.. except i hope to be heard of...

help? anybody?

well hello there...

just re-read last nights entry ahhh kinda deppressing sorry if it put ya ina downer of some shit lol

well i just did soem major cleanign in my room FUCK YEAH ITS ACTUALLY NEAT

im so proud of myself lol... well yea i ahve abaddd headache

you knwo what i realized? that i am totally and completely jealous of people with real relationships.

like holly look at her shes beautiful, funny, fun to be around, exuberant shes got everything going for her.. plus an awesome boyfriend, u would give anything to have what seh has... i mean honestly look at my relationships...i honestly cant say one of them has been ugly :-[ that makes me feel sooo shallow, dammit. well its true... i need to stop this and date some1 for the relationship some1 i know will care about me...no jealousy, no strings, no nothing just a barenaked relationship.

yeah otehr things have been on my mind lately.. like meg n kelsey.. that whole ordeal has been upsetting me...
i mean i love meg, honestly and i love kelsey too but it just upsets me how kelsey can be totally against her and say SOO much shit like "I HATE HER" etc and then they go and get to be best friends again and hang all over eachother.. i mean of course im happy for them and i want my friends to be friends again liek we all were before but its sooo hipocritical and it upsets me how meg just takes her back everytime...i mean everyone says things about every1 when they piss eachotehr off occasionally but i dont use the word hate.. becuz i know i dont mean it...

hmm well thats all thats basically on my mind.. aside from the fact that i deffinitly have a thing for older guys.... such as, JOHN MORRIS.

LIZZY I HAD A DREAM ABOUT HIM AND ME!!!!

- manda

I remember runnign through the wet grass...
Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me anymore?
Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love.
I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why ev'rything's the same as it was.
I can't understand, no I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye
Don't they know know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye.


sometimes i feel like im gonan be alone forever.. like for everyone theres some1 special right? i mean io cant say that i have never felt loved or had a good relationship but i mean everythign started going downhill for me last year... and i havwent been bale to bring it back on up...

im feeling a little better, thanks to hector, love ya babe u made me smile and im,mma try to get myself back up...
Hector198: just let go of everything
Hector198: just let shit happen
Hector198: thing will get better
Hector198: if u stress it it just gonna look like it wont

i knwo what you mean im going to try but its so hard to let go and wait.. becuz waiting makes you wonder if its ever gonan happen at all.. and then when you wait you wonder more and then when it doesnt happen teh pain is even worse becuz u wanted it so bad.. and waited so long for it .....

**would you choose water over wine?**

well im so tired right now btu i cant go to sleep.. dont wanna really...
my eyes feel liek they are gettign heavier and heavier...

my heart feels obdurate i dont feel open to any1.. maybe becuz no1 is opening to me... im sick of myself im sick of my feelings im sick of my reflection in the mirror, becuz what ui see disgusts me.. honestly disgusts me and i dont know how i keep going through the days the way i do so fucking bruised... so torn.. so ugly... so ajacent... so nostalgic.. and so fucking obtrusive...

i dont know what i am doing here anymore.. i mean i just get put down by people and fucking fight and get yelled at by my dad.. i mean god damn what is the joy in this life of mine.. just now im stalled becuz my dads yelling at me.. im cry8ing now god damn i just want everything to go back to teh way it wwas.. why and forced to be put through this...

well.. i cant stay up anymore.. teh tiredness and the tears arent a really great mix...gonnna go steep in teh trash heep i call a room.. its the only thing thats safe to me right now.. superficial, cluttered, faux, terrible, scented, unenthusiastic, dusty.. just the way i like it.. just the way my life is... just the way...

Are you lost?
Do you find life turning out
Not quite the way you planned?
Come around stay awhile
That's OK That's Alright

Couldn't get to sleep so talk about it.
Let's talk about it right now.
Here it comes on my head again
I guess I'm born to be the Long lost friend.
Long lost friend

Are you cold?
Is there no place better, safer, friendlier than this?
Call me up, I'm alone.
That's ok, That's Alright
Rather it be me than go without it.
So don't think about it right now.
Here it comes on my head again
I guess I'm born to be theLong lost friend
Long lost friend

I've given ballast
Held you up when you were failing down
What happens when I'm not around?
Friend?
Friend?
Friend?
Long lost friend

getting started
um yeah hey im testign this shit out