A Memory of Time

:: 2006 1 January :: 9.21pm
:: Mood: frustrated

New Years
New Years is my favorite holiday. Basically always has been. It's just fun. But not this time. This time it sucked. JD had a bunch of people over. I was excited because they were all people we both got along with. None of his friends that I feel uncomfortable around were gonna' be there. Except they were. Tyler and Lyndsey showed up. It's not that I really don't like them, though they aren't my favorite people,it's just that I don't feel like I can completely be myself around them. Anyway, when I got there JD wasn't even there. He went with Caleb, Tyler, and Lyndsey somewhere. Then when he got home he saw Josh, who'd also just arrived, and gave him a "man hug". He didn't even acknowledge me. I was pissed. I said something and he just looked down at me with no emotion whatsoever and grabbed my hand for, literally, 2 seconds. I could've killed him! That's how it went basically all night. He either ignored me completely or said maybe two words, all unkind. I was going to break up with him. That was the last straw, everybody noticed how he was treating me. They asked me what was up, and I didn't know. No one treats me like that, especially not in front of everyone, and gets away with it. So Matt, Ashley, Tyler and Lyndsey all left at around 11:45. Then JD started being slightly more normal. (though not completely.) When the ball dropped we kissed, obviously, and everything seemed to be getting better. It stayed better until Josh left. Then Caleb was my only companion. We sat at the bar drinking and talking (no not that kind of drinking... well he was... but whatever.) We talked about everything. JD was just ignoring everyone but Greg while they played video games. My anger with him only increased the rest of the night. Finally he decided to go to bed. (We both slept in his bed.) So I told him we needed to talk. He said "no", and I told him I didn't really need his opinion since like it or not it was happening. So I told him everything he'd done wrong... all he did to piss me off completely. Then I told him I was sick of it. And finally, when he wouldn't stop being stupid about it, I told him to just go hang out with Greg again because I didn't care anymore. He told me he wanted to go to bed. I said, "okay" and just let him lay down. He tried to get me to face him by rubbing my back... but I didn't. I was too mad. He just turned over and said, "fine, goodnight." All I said was congratulations. He asked me why, and I told him that he's officially pushed me away. Then we just layed there, something was said, but I can't remember what. All I know is that I turned around and told him to look at me. He wouldn't, so I put my arm over him and he grabbed my hand. He held on tightly and kissed it. That's when he started crying. He said he was sorry, he said it 3 times. I just took my hand back... I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I didn't know what to do, he was such a jerk to me... but he was sorry. I love him, and I knew that I couldn't just leave him. Especially not like that. He kept crying, he said he didn't deserve me. That all I did was love him and care about him even though he was a jerk. He told me he was a bad person and didn't deserve such a good life. I asked him why he'd acted the way he had. He told me that he'd, for some unknown reason, thought he wouldn't care if I left him. He didn't want me to, but he wouldn't care if I did. But then when I had almost done just that a few minutes prior, he'd realized he was wrong. He said he felt terrible. He said that the only reason he'd acted so stupid lately is because he didn't know how to react to someone really loving him... he said he was so used to being used and being angry with his girlfriend that he just did it. Almost like habit. He said I meant the world to him and that he never ever wanted me to leave him. It was insane. I fell for it. I hope it wasn't just a scheme to get me to say. I really want him to have meant it.

Anyway, today he wasn't so good. Caleb wouldn't just leave his house tonight, so now I don't get to see JD. Not that he cares too much. I told him I think we should take a break, he asked me if that was what I really wanted. I told him no, because it's not, but that I thought we may need it. I told him the official decision tomorrow when I see him. I was crying, he asked if I'd be okay, and I told him no. He said he loved me, more than anything in the world, he said he really did. I told him the same. Then we said good-bye. He said he'd call me back tonight though... which is good. I think. I just don't know anymore. This sucks.

So yea, fun stuff. I'm done now. Chao loves.

-Jay-

jacqui-chan

:: 2005 30 December :: 8.37pm
:: Mood: lord knows
:: Music: What Not to Wear

more...
Yet another moment of absolute control ruined by weakness. I was at JD's today, to make stuff for his mom's new years party, and when I was done cooking I brought him to his room so we could be alone and talk. I told him that he'd been acting like kind of a jerk lately, not to mention acting like I have the plague. He asked how... I couldn't tell him. He looked at me in that "I know what this is working toward" way, and I lost it. He was so sad and so... I don't know... not angry, maybe frusterated, disappointed. He was just not happy. But I gave him the only example I could find in my blank mind. Then he went on to tell me that he was only acting that way because I have been irritating him. Now really, the only reason I've bugged him at all is because I won't just let him get off the phone or leave in the middle of a conversation. I need closure with stuff, I need everything to be totally fixed before we leave each other. He doesn't ever want to finish though! It drives me bonkers... really it does! When I told him that he just went silent. We sat there not talking for a long time... which was bad because it gave me time to figure out my next move. Or more to decide that what I thought I should do, I really should do. So I hugged him, he barely hugged me back. Then I kissed him on the cheek and he asked me "what now?" I couldn't say anything. The words wouldn't come out. I needed to say what I had planned, but I couldn't... it was terrible. I think he got where it was going though. Finally some words came, but not the ones I planned on. I said "nothing's ever going to change... I mean, you said yourself you'd never change." He asked what I meant. I said "I want things to change back to what they used to be, but you said you wouldn't change." I told him that I'm sick of coming last with him. I want to be first like I was before. (by first I mean before his friends... not important stuff.) I let him know that he's always been first with me, because, though I love my friends and still hang out with them, I love him and he is my best friend. He used to be that way with me, he even told me I was his best friend. Lately though it's been all about him friends or him, not me at all. He doesn't even consider me anymore. I work a lot anyway, so it's not like he can never see his friends or anything, he can.

Wow, this is sounding really selfish now that I read it. Jeez. I still do want to be number one... he is with me. I just, I don't know. I need him to be a shoulder I can cry on. I need him to hug me and kiss me and tell me everything will be okay. I need to believe that it really will be okay just because he said it. That's how it was before. When I had my surgery, when my Grandma was in the hospital, even when he had his surgery. I knew everything would be okay because he said it would. And it was.

So maybe I am being a little selfish, but everybody deserves to be selfish sometimes right. This is my time. So there ya' go.

Okay I'll shut up. I've rambled enough. Chao loves.

2 memories made | drops of time

:: 2005 29 December :: 10.56pm
:: Mood: anxious

Wow...
I told JD that I'm sick of it. I told him that I need him to stop acting so distant and start acting like he did toward the beginning of our relationship. I said that I needed him to no longer be a source of my stress, but a relief (as he was before). And then I said it was his decision, either we work this out now or we take a break. I told him it's not something I want, but I feel it may help. I also told him this was not an excuse to hook up with other people, but something that may fix our relationship. We would be able to see if we can last without eachother. If we both want to go back, then it was meant to be. If not then we weren't. Simple. So there we go.

Ya' know why I started to think we need a break? Because he doesn't kiss me anymore, not really. Only when he leaves or when he gets to my house. All he wants anymore is... well... not kissing. He needs to stop, because I'm sick of this. So yea, that's my fun, Thursday night story.

Peace.

:: 2005 26 December :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative

You piss me off...
I just want it all to stop. One day, just ONE DAY could we not fight. And I don't mean because we won't see eachother. I mean because we love eachother, and because there's nothing to fight about. Please? That's really all I want, just to be happy. You know I don't feel anything for ANY other guy. I want to be with you... no one else. I feel terrible for what I said to you downstairs. And yet it was the truth, I did mean it. It's bad, I'm not a great person because of it, but it's the truth. It felt good not to be the one who was upset for once... it felt good to know you finally knew how I'd been feeling. I'm sorry that I said it, but I couldn't help it. I needed you to know that you felt the same way you'd made me feel countless times before. So now you know. Lets never make eachother feel that way again. And Wednesday, when I see you, it's an us day. Period. No one else... just the two of us. Then we can just chill, work anything out that we need to, and be happy from now on. Okay? Good.

No more anger, no more fights, no more saddness. Finally, life will be perfect.

:: 2005 25 December :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: The Aviator

I am the source of most my pain... and it's all for a boy.
It's true ya' know. I cause it all. We fight, we yell, he acts like an idiot, and I act like a witch. Sometimes I wonder why I don't hate him... sometimes I wonder how we made it this far. I need him. That's why. I hate this feeling. Like somehow I'm helpless without him. I want him to do all he used to for me. Make me feel like I'm on top of the world. That's just not how it is now-a-days. He's always so distant.

He told me to trust him today. "Just trust me!" he said, he refused to answer my question. I wondered how he could possibly expect me to trust him if he wouldn't answer a simple question. Answering it would've let me trust him... but still nothing. He said I didn't love him because I wouldn't just trust him... I just hung up the phone. If he wanted to think that it was fine... he was in the wrong, not me. We talked again later. I told him he had to give me time to trust him again. He already blew it numerous times... he can't just get my trust back overnight. He finally answered me... though the answer was not what I was looking for.

We continued talking a bit, and right before we were gonna' go he did it again. He ticked me off again! I told him that and he just hung up. I left him a message. Told him how I felt. The ball's in his court now... hopefully he doesn't blow it.

Should I really stay with a guy who causes me this much pain on a regular basis... just because I love him? I don't really know anymore. I do love him though, more than anything in the world. He's the first and only guy I've ever really loved. I just want him to feel that way, and I want him to show it. Because if he doesn't, this relationship is not going to last much longer.

fishyrere

:: 2005 25 December :: 9.28pm

Merry Christmas. i love you all. really, i do!

~Re~

:: 2005 24 December :: 9.43pm
:: Mood: cold

Good news.
So, I finally got to hang out with JD last night. Unfortunetly that was ruined almost completely by a certain someones presence. I needed to buy a last minute Christmas gift, so I asked JD to go to Meijer with me after work. He said okay and was almost to my house when Matt called him. Apparently Matt and Ashley were bored, so JD invited them along... without asking me! I was kinda' annoyed since I hadn't seen JD in 2 days and barely all week. But of course, being the way I am, I just went with it. Then Matt started getting annoying... like REALLY annoying. I almost killed him! I had to spend from 8:30 to 11 o' clock at night with him... then finally got a little less than 15 minutes alone with JD. Well, kinda', my family was there too. Yea, I was not the happiest camper... all I wanted was some alone time with my love. But nope, couldn't have that.

Anyway, today I did get that alone time. Like, an hours worth... but still. We just chilled on his bed, watching bad TV and cuddling. I missed that like CRAZY. Yeppers... I was freakin' extatic!

So yea, that's basically it. Oh, except that New Years is still rocky with us. He and Matt were talking last night about doing exactly what I don't want them to do. Being as I'll be there most of the night though, I think I'll have a good chance of stopping it. At least stopping JD. The kid presses his luck with me WAY too much. But hey, it's his butt that'll be out the door if he keeps it up. Just sucks that I have to feel crappy too. I dunno', I'm not planning on us breaking up anytime soon or anything... I just want him to get a clue with some of this rebel without a cause stuff. It's just not my style.

Love to all, Happy Holidays!

jacqui-chan

:: 2005 21 December :: 11.07pm
:: Mood: drained

Gratzi.
I love you guys. I was in the worst mood ever yesterday, and you guys saved me. I felt like hell. I think I just needed someone to tell me they love me and give me a hug. The hug I didn't get, but the I love you I did. I feel better now. And thanks Brie for the ass kickin' threat. Somehow that helps.

So yea. Have a Merry Christmas all. I love you... platonically. Chao.

-Jay-

6 memories made | drops of time

:: 2005 20 December :: 10.46pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: The keys of my keyboard beneath my fingers.

Fuck you.
Yea, I said it. I'm pissed as all hell right now. Nothing's going right, at least it doesn't seem like it. I just want everything to stop for two seconds... I need a break from life. I just want it to all stop. I want my boyfriend to act happy to see me, I want my dad to just back off and let me be, I want my sister to always be nice and not have so many witchy moments, I want my mom to not act like I never see her when I do, I want school to just go right, I want to not have to work so late all the time, I want to have JD hold me in his arms and let me cry on his shoulder, I want everyone to just be not so annoying, I want my grandma to stop thinking she knows everything, I want everything to just go right!!
Long list right? I know, but that's what I want. If you want to get me a Christmas present that'd be just perfect!
I know, I'm a whining, snobby, little bitch. I might be... but hey, karma right. So it had to have been coming.

Love you.

-Jay-

m&ms487

:: 2005 12 December :: 3.38pm

I've been so tired lately. I've gotten an average of ten hours a sleep a night, and still it does not seem to be enough. I don't have time to sleep, I have too many things to do. Too much homework, working, blah I have to call them. Blah Blah.

I want to cry. My body hurts. All I want to do is sleep. I'm drinking a mountain dew in hopes of staying awake until five.

I have an essay to write. I hate fricken ap lit. what a bitch.

3 memories made | drops of time

m&ms487

:: 2005 26 November :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: cold

So many things to do, so little time to squeeze them all in. Everything is crazy busy, and I need to get together with my english group. I have a feeling we're going to be half assing our way to a B.

I swear I can hear music comming from somewhere in this house, but everytime I walk around I can't find the source. Maybe I'm finally going crazy. Maybe my house is haunted. These things I do not know.
Whatever it is, it has a good beat.

I think I figured out the reason why I shake when I drink. See, I get cold really easy, and when you drink you're body thinks it feels hot, and your blood vessels open up to let off the heat, which isn't really there, so it cools you when you're not hot, making your normal body temperature go down instead of a hot temperature go to normal. Then I shake because I'm cold. Just shivering, that's all that it is.

This imaginary music is driving me fucking nuts.

I want to be done, I want to be out. I'm not quite sure what I want to be doing instead, but just not this. All this shit. I hate it. I don't want to be stuck anywhere, I want to do what I want. I guess that's what everyone wants, but, as in Ethan Frome, "only the smart ones get away."

I hope I'm one of the smart ones.

cowsgomoo!!!

:: 2005 12 November :: 10.26pm

does anyone read this?

6 memories made | drops of time

m&ms487

:: 2005 3 November :: 5.58pm

I've been accepted to CMU. They sent me a t-shirt today. It's a very bright white. I like its newness.

So much as been going on lately. I leave for school in the morning when it's dark out, and I get home when it's dark outside. It's almost as if there was never a day at all. But of course that would be false, because even if I don't see it, it's still there, right? I hope so.

All state band auditions are saturday. I'm not sure I'm as prepared as I should be. I've been practicing between three and five hours a day for a little over the past week. My tone is getting a lot better (recovering from the horridness of piccolo). I'm still nervous, though. I guess I've talked myself into believing that it doesn't matter if I get in or not, but it does. It's one of the only things that I'll be able to do. I can't go to CMU's workshop, I can't go to CMU's honors band, I can't go to EMU's honors band. This is about the last thing that I'll be able to do where I'll be challenged and not have to play horridly easy music with people who don't know how to play their fucking instrument.
But I rant.

My eighteenth birthday is a month from tomorrow. Work will be happy because then I can sell lottery and tobacco at the service desk. As much as I want to kill people who run that place, I still can't help but fantasize that someday I could get a degree in marketing or something and be a higher executive than all of them and fire them because they're stupid. I don't think that they realize that they expect too much out of people they only pay six dollars an hour to. I see so many people there that are intelligent and should be doing something, but no, they work for a measly six dollars an hour and will never do any better. The waste of potential disgusts me.

Whenever I am there I feel as though some goodness, some intelligent part of me is dying. Everytime someone yells at me because meijer screwed them over I feel like saying "You know what? They're screwing me over too. I get paid fucking six dollars and hour to stand here and take your shit for them, and guess what, they don't care, even if I do get a manager and they listen to you and assure you they'll 'look into it', nothing is going to happen. You standing here yelling at me is doing neither of us any good, and nothing is going to change because frankly all that corporate does care about are numbers, their profit, how many defective items they can pass off you to, how many times they can screw you over by not pricing things and you aren't a number, you're a real person, just like me, and therefore, they don't care. So fuck off."

End rant.

5 memories made | drops of time

cowsgomoo!!!

:: 2005 1 November :: 10.47pm

halloween was alright. didnt get much candy, but i spend almost all night with rachael. i left her house around eleven. so that was fun. she's awesome!!!

yeah, thats about it. see ya'll later

-me