Fucking Sick Of
Break My Fall

You fought me once but not again
You let me feel your heavy hand
I will clean your fuckin mess
And leave no trace of evidence

[Chorus:]
I am losing you again
Let me out and let me in
'cause you're not alone here
Not at all
Let me belong here
Break my fall



I'm so fucking sick of crying without anyone caring. I'm fucking sick of all you people who pretend to have it so bad, but could be happy. YOU ARE FOOLISH IN YOUR UNHAPPINESS! And I'm so fucking sick of all you people who have something to cry about, but smile all the time. You know who you are. Let the world know what you're thinking. Maybe, just maybe, someone will understand.

I'm also pissed at those who know how to make it right, but are able to walk away while its still wrong.

I'm fucking sick of those who watch me fall, but dont bother to catch me.

AND I'm fucking sick of myself. I cant do anything right. I find a way to fuck up everything.

and I couldnt find a way to save him. sorry adam, it is my fault.


-*loser*-

...
Wake Me Up When September Ends-

Summer has come and past,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends,
Like my fathers come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast,

Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are,
As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost

Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and past,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again,
Like we did when spring began,
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are,
As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost

Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and past,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass,
Twenty years has gone so fast

Wake me up when September ends

-Green Day

I've been thinking about how cruel he was to leave us here. Would I set off the same result?

Chris...

No one even knows.

Disguise a tear with a smile and the world thinks we're fine. No one knows we lost someone who meant the world to us, no one cares. But we'll continue to miss him. 4ever.


hang in there
emily
emily
adam
lily
trent
nia
thu
~*loser*~

Lost

Shrouded figures walk down the street
dressed in black.
except there were no mourners.
there wasnt even a funeral.
I feel lost beyond finding
Now that he's not here
leave a trail of blood
explain why you had to die
leaving me confused
they all said you were doing fine
you had a future
but you cut it short
with a knife through your wrists
you tried to kill the pain
but thats all you were
in the end
pain
you killed the pain
it finally ended
show me the way
im yours
forever

R.I.P
Chris Wreck
?-7:16 pm, Tuesday November 9th, 2004

you left us lost.
we loved you.
forever in our hearts

none
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everythings all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
-Green Day

Murphy: When I do something productive, I get a runny nose.
Bigelow:Bananas?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My name would be Shadow. Emily's would be Yesterday. I would carry my stuff in a trash can with wheels, or a little red wagon. We don't know where we'd go. Maybe to Brockten to see Colin. Maybe to New York City. Maybe to L.A.

We don't know how we'd get there. Maybe we'd take a bus. Maybe a train. Maybe we'd just walk. Food wouldn't be an issue. I can go days without eating. And we'd beg for food if we needed it. And id we were hungry enough, we might spend some of out precious money. But that would eventually run out.

We could do it, too. It wouldn't be that hard. Just a little less comfort than we're used to. It might even be fun.

In truth, Emily doesn't want to run away. I do.

-loser

p.s Feel free to tell me what "quixotic" means....
please

just letting you know that I'm still alive
JESUS OF SUBURBIA

-Jesus Of Suburbia-

I'm the son of rage and love,
The Jesus of suburbia,
From the bible of "none of the above",
On a steady diet of soda pop and ritalin,
No one ever died for my sins in hell,
As far as I can tell,
At least the ones I got away with

But there's nothing wrong with me,
This is how I'm supposed to be,
In a land of make believe,
That don't believe in me

Get my television fix,
Sitting on my crucifix,
The living room in my private womb,
While the Mom's and Brad's are away,
To fall in love and fall in debt,
To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary Jane,
To keep me insane and doing someone else's cocaine
---

-City Of The Damned-

At the center of the earth,
In the parking lot,
Of the 7-11 where I was taught,
The motto was just a lie

It says: home is where your heart is,
But what a shame,
'Cause everyone's heart,
Doesn't beat the same,
We're beating out of time

City of the dead,
At the end of another lost highway,
Signs misleading to nowhere,
City of the damned,
Lost children with dirty faces today,
No one really seems to care

I read the graffiti,
In the bathroom stall,
Like the holy scriptures in a shopping mall,
And so it seemed to confess,
It didn't say much,
But it only confirmed that,
The center of the earth,
Is the end of the world

And I could really care less
---
-I Don't Care-

I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't care
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't care
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't care
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't care

Everyone Is So Full Of Shit!
Born and raised by hypocrites,
Hearts recycled but never saved,
From the cradle to the grave,
We are the kids of war and peace,
From Anaheim to the middle east,
We are the stories and disciples of,
The Jesus Of Suburbia

Land of make believe,
And it don't believe in me,
Land of make believe,
And I don't believe,
And I don't care!
---
-Dearly Beloved-

Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying,
Are we demented? Or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure

Oh therapy can you please fill the void?
Am I Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused,
For the lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse
---
-Tales Of Another Broken Home-

To live and not to breathe,
Is to die in tragedy,
To run, to run away,
To find what you believe,
And I leave behind,
This hurricane of fucking lies,
I lost my faith to this,
This town that don't exist

So I run,
I run away

To the light of masochists,
And I leave behind,
This hurricane of fucking lies,
And I walked this line,
A million and one fucking times,
But not this time

I don't feel any shame,
I won't apologize

When there ain't nowhere you can go,
Running away from pain,
When you've been victimized,
Tales from another broken home

-Green Day


I haven't updated in what seems like years...

Yeah. so. this week has been so stressful. I swear I'm not going to live through this.

I have so much homwork to do, and I cant focus at all. I really can't. and I just had the another fight with my dad.

I can't fucking take this for much longer. I cut again the other day. I just couldnt help myself. I'm breaking down. I don't know why I'm not adapting as well as everyone else. I guess I'm just weak.

So that last suicide attempt was another failure to add to my collection. Atleast i'm used to it now.
Here's to being a Fuck Up.
*cheers..

-*loser*-

what?
Circle

Give me the dust of my fathers
Stand on the face of the ancients
Bare the secret flesh of time itself
Follow me (Follow me)
I've come so far, i'm behind again
Follow me (Follow me)
I Wish so hard, I'm there again
Follow me (Follow me)
Follow me (Follow me)
All that I wanted were things I had before
All that I needed, I never needed more
All of my questions are answers to my sins
And all of my endings are waiting to begin
I know the way, but I falter
I can't be afraid of my patience
There's a sacred place Razel keeps safe
Follow me (Follow me)
I've seen so much, I'm blind again
Follow me (Follow me)
I feel so bad, I'm alive again
Follow me (Follow me)
All that I wanted were things I had before
All that I needed, I never needed more
All of my questions are answers to my sins
And all of my endings are waiting to begin

- Slipknot


All this shit is so confusing... Someone needs to have the answers.



My panties say 'Control Freak'.
Take them off... what?

avoiding this
Float On

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say
Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on any way well

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on the exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't worry we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Aliright don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy
we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Ok don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Don't you worry we'll all float on
All float on

- Modest Mouse

I've been avoiding updating for a while. I guess i just didnt really want to say what is on my mind. It makes me mad.

I don't know.
I guess i'll contnue avoiding until it's not big deal.
If that's ever going to happen.

um..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILY BIGELOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy I Love Nia Day
"One More Sad Song"
One boy, one girl, two hearts, their world
Time goes by, secrets rise
One more, sad song, tears shed, she's gone
She'd take it back, if she only could

All the perfect words they seem so wrong,
She's gone
You wish that you could learn to see,
The door is closed and yo wish you could be

Alone with you, alone with me
What can I do, I can not breath
My heart is torn, for all to see
Alone with you, alone with me.

Best friend, worst thing, she's been, cheating
Friend deceives, she leaves
Last date. she cries, whispers, goodbye
She walks once more, out that door

Please stay, don't go away
The hardest thing is letting go of you
Stay, don't go away
The hardest thing is letting go of you
what can I do?

Alone with you, alone with me, what can I do
I can not see, alone with, alone with...

-A-A R


um...

HAPPY I LOVE NIA DAY!!!!!!
BECAUSE WE ALL LOVE NIA!!!!
YAY NIA!!!!

HAPPY I LOVE NIA DAY!

She Will Be Loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

-Maroon 5

Wow. I havent updated in like... Forever.
So much has happend.

But nothing worth mentioning.


so right now im pissed.
It's that thing Emily thinks. And Bri agrees.
And they're being stupid.
Because it's NOT TRUE!!!


It's scary though. Because of the story and poem. They make so much sense to me. I wanna be able to say that "Wow. It makes sense. Because THATS ME!" But..It's not me. IT'S NOT! I'm not like that...really.
Am I?

And The Conversation is getting old. No, not The Conversation. It's more like The Argument. And it's DAILY!!!

I wanted to write more than that, but its 1:00am and I'm getting offline.

HAPPY I LOVE NIA DAY!!!!!!

deep conversations
Meant to Live

Fumbling his confidence
And wond’ring why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he’s meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we’ve been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we’re bent and broken, broken
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

-Switchfoot

the song seems to fit the occasion. sorta. I think we WERE meant to live for so much more. but what do i know..?

I had a really deep conversation with Sarah today... it got me thinking about some things and remembering all that shit from my past. I hate remembering my past. it hurts so much. I hate life. I really do.

I just had a fight with my dad. Again. I hate him. He's such a bitch. He comes up trying to make me feel all guilty about not having anything for mother's day. Then he tells me not to fucking "blame me for your screw up" because its sooo not his fault that he refused to take me to the mall to get her something. I try to say the I have a busy day tomoro and can't go get a present, but i'll work on a card tonight. But he yells "I dont give a rat's ass about your little problem. You will feel so bad come sumday when you have nothing to give your mother!"

I calmly tell him that I only have 10$ for the rest of the year, so i couldnt get her anything nice anyway, to which he responds "So you can't possibly part with your fucking 10$ so your mother can have a nice mother's day?!"

"It's not that I don't want to spend my money on mom, I love her. She's way nicer than the asshole I call my Dad," I thought, but i didnt have the courage to say it.


I'm really tired, and i have some thinking to do.
nite.

falling.
Ocean Avenue

There's a place off Ocean Avenue
Where I used to sit and talk with you
We were both 16 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street
We would walk on the beach in our bare feet
We were both 18 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I remember the look in your eyes
When I told you that this was goodbye
You were begging me not tonight
Not here, not now
We're looking up at the same night sky
And keep pretending the sun will not rise
Be together for one more night
Somewhere, somehow

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

-Yellowcard

The past couple of days have been Hell. I just can't hold myself together.

I feel like I'm falling. I can't hold on. There's nothing to hold on to. It happened again in math today. Benji saw.

I'm so fuckin scared. I don't know what's happening to me. I need help. But I can't tell anyone. Emily and JJ, you guys know. But that's it. I don't know what to do!

What if everyone hates me? or is afraid of me?

I can't hold on much longer. I really can't. :'( .
It's so fuckin hard.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I'm seriously blocked right now. I'm in the middle of a poem, and I can't finish it. It started off bad and just got worse, but I can't not end it! Yeah, you don't care, I don't expect you to, but yeah. It's pissing me off.
:(

I feel as if to explode would be dissapointing
Runaway

Graffiti decorations
Under a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

I'm gonna run away and never say goodbye
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
I'm gonna run away and never wonder why
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
I'm gonna run away and open my mind
(gonna run away/mind gonna run away gonna run away/mind mind gonna run away mind gonna run away/mind gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away/mind)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

I wanna run away
and open up my mind
I wanna run away
and open up my mind
I wanna run away
and open up my mind
I wanna run away
and open up my mind

-Linkin Park


It's happening again. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. And it's not like I'm ever going to talk to that fuckin shrink. I don't need to. What does she know?!

But all the thoughts come racing ack to me. Everything I'm trying desperatly to forget is right here. That fucking little voice... never shuts up. And the ouija board... Damn that thing. I shouldn't have asked. I don't want to know.

But I do know. I wish i didn't belive in all that shit. No one could know how much i wish it didn't believe. And then there's the dream... I'm so fuckin scared. I have no control.

I need to get out of here. I need to leave. But I'm so scared. Where would I go?

Fuck that little voice. I don't want to, but i can't say no...

Then comes the blood. There's so much blood. I'd give anything to go back to the begining...and never start. Damn that blood, does it ever end?

Wipe it all away, until there is no trace
of my silent scream.

omfg...
Silver And Cold

I... I came here by day, but I left here in darkness
And found you, found you on the way
And now, it is silver and silent, it is silver and cold
You, in somber resplendence, I hold

Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one
Your sins into me
As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer
And I'll beg for forgiveness
(Your sins into me) Your sins into...
(Your sins into me) Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one

Light, like the flutter of wings, feel your hollow voice rushing into me
As you're longing to sing
So I... I will paint you in silver, I will wrap you in cold
I will lift up your voice as I sink

Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one, now
Your sins into me
As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer
And I'll beg for forgiveness
(Your sins into me) Your sins into me

Cold in life's throws, I'll fall asleep for you
Cold in life's throws, I only ask you turn away
Cold in life's throws, I'll fall asleep for you
Cold in life's throws, I only ask you turn
As they seep... into me, oh, my beautiful one, now

Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one
Your sins into me
As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer
And I'll beg for forgiveness
(Your sins into me)
Your sins into me... oh

Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one, now
Your sins into me
As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer
And I'll beg for forgiveness
(Your sins into me) Your sins into...
(Your sins into me) Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one

-A.F.I.


omfg... the freakiest thing just happend... I completly lost control... and a vioce inside my head kept saying "take it now, end it all" and "do it do it do it". Dude, it was so scary. I almost did it, but something stopped me. I didnt have ontrol over any of it. omfg...

I have to finish my story for English now, its dude tomorrow, and I havent got to the plot yet. I have 11 pages of nothing so i better get started.

omg theres sooo much i wanna say but i gotta go!

BYE!

Something weird is going on here...
Breaking The Habit

Memories concern
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safer in my room
Unless I try to start again

[chorus]
I don't want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Cultured my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again

[chorus]
I dont want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
Cuz I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[chorus]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight

-Linkin Park

Since my parents found out, everything is falling apart. More so than ever before. I did something stupid and agreed to tell on my friends if they didnt tell their parents. I hate my parents.

Everyone should be mad at me right now... trace back all the bad things going on around here and you wind up with me. Here we were thinking everything was Benji's fault for calling my parents. But he wouldnt have called them if I hadnt been...jelly...

I love all my friends more than I could say, so I don't want you guys to be mad at me. But if you think about, most of this shit is my fault.

Coded sentence: Butter was right to tell about Jelly, maybe even Peanutbutter. Fluff shouldnt be mad at Butter, and Butter shouldnt say Fluff is moldy, becuase she's not. Fluff is scary when shes Jam, but even scarier when shes Jelly. Bread sounds like a good thing, but it really isnt. I wish I could Jelly. And I cant stop Peanutbutter. So its all my fault.

Omfg... It's getting worse. Today at lunch I basically broke down. I hate it when people see me cry. I really do. Today, i just couldnt control myself... Dude... this is getting freaky... I dont know what triggered it, but I've done it three times today... I cant stop...
As much as i hate to admit it, maybe I do need help. Maybe we all do.