*whispers* just go away.
ya know that part in the little mermaid when ariel's sanctuary is destroyed by her dad? and then flounder and sebastian try to say something to make her feel better?... "just go away."

well. that's not exactly how i feel, but it just pops into my head. how i feel ... its such a paradox. i'm a walking contradiction [man thats another movie line. ever after.] and i really dont know how to explain myself. i'm sorry i've been very up and down. i know my friends dont like seeing me in the clouds and then down in hell ... sorry. i love everyone the same. always and forever. i just want to fly away. just want to go away from people. and things i'm sick and tired of.


sick and tired of:
- people who prevent me from learning
- more than 4 assignments to work on
- headaches and stomachaches
- people telling me things i need to hear, but break my heart
- wanting things i cant have
- not wanting things i can have
- no free time
- not having my brother to make me laugh when i get home
- fear that i'm not doing my best
- the fact that there's really nothing wrong with my life and i shouldnt be bitching, but i do it anyways.

and... other things.
this weekend will be fun and will make me feel better. thank god.

*crosses fingers* something corporate... please...

hmmmmm
mmm. past few days have been so weird. i'm so weird. it's nice outside right now. i wish i could go to the park with someone i love and just talk or sleep or walk or whatever. right? yes... the breeze is blowing my spirit away. i want to fly away. if only i could stay grounded to everything like i should. but i cant. and i'm sorry for that. i wish i could tell... but iiii'll never tell.

i dont know why i cant stop listening to jewel lately. <3

*dont walk too close. dont breathe so soft. dont talk so sweet. dont sing. dont lay oh so near. please let me forget all those sweet smiles. all of the passion, all the heat, the peace, the pain. and all those blue skies where your words were my freedom. too many times i've cared too much. i stood on the edge and saw that you held my hand, knowing too well, i couldnt hide from those eyes. please dont let me fall in love with you again.*

highlights of my day
-spending quality time with my family.
-driving...<3 that feeling.
-singing to "kiss me" on the radio.

nessa's party
-chillin on the couch.
-singing to "unbreak my heart" and "hangin by a moment"
-short heart-to-heart with john b... what a stoner. lol.
-allison being hyper and cleaning the floor with her pants
-people hitting their heads on the lamp
-dancing with my latin lover, janyll
-watching the silent movie of people hitting the pinata with jeanette and steph. "oh theres mike!"... "i'm right here."
-me and janyll acting like mannequins
-run into the glass door!!
-like stealing candy from a baby.... i didnt FORCE people to give me their pinata candy.
-stephanie is my new crush. ha. we played with the skeleton... shhh.

i had a nice time. but i missed a lot of people.

danielle... sniff sniff... come back to me!! <3

=\
there's something wrong with me... but i cannot divulge to anyone what it is. let's just say i need to think a lot. i love this song. the old version AND this version by josh groban. it makes me want to go back to art and redo my portrait. frustration. tomorrow is friday. doesnt feel like it. it doesnt feel like 9 pm right now. i'm just... i need to think. and it needs to be cold. i wonder if this is how vincent van gogh felt... no he was more suicidal than i. but i feel similar to how he did... i guess...

*starry, starry night ... paint your palette blue and grey
look out on a summer's day
with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and daffodils
catch the breeze and the winter chills in colors on the snowy linen land

now i understand what you tried to say to me and how you suffered for your sanity.
and how you tried to set them free.
they would not listen, they did not know how.
perhaps they'll listen now.

starry, starry night ...
flaming flowers that brightly blaze, swirling clouds and violet haze
reflect in vincent's eyes of china blue
colours changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
weathered faces lined in pain
are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

for they could not love you, but still your love was true.
and when no hope was left inside on that starry, starry night
you took your life as lovers often do.
but i could have told you, vincent,
this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

like the strangers that you've met,
the ragged men in ragged clothes,
the silver thorn of bloody rose,
lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

now i think i know what you tried to say to me.
and how you suffered for your sanity.
and how you tried to set them free.
they would not listen, they're not listening still.
perhaps they never will...*

calm and normal days.
test week. i hate weeks like these. but there'll be fun this weekend. andrew is coming home. nessa's party. sigh. i love everyone. i really do.

i love the focus we have-

FallenNGAngel (6:28:37 PM): make the sun come back soon
FallenNGAngel (6:28:40 PM): i love you
SmilingChica2006 (6:28:45 PM): my sun isn't shining
FallenNGAngel (6:29:09 PM): i'll walk with you through the shadows
SmilingChica2006 (6:29:19 PM): no i want you to stay in the light
FallenNGAngel (6:29:23 PM): no
FallenNGAngel (6:29:31 PM): i have a flashlight
SmilingChica2006 (6:29:54 PM): natural light is better for you
FallenNGAngel (6:30:03 PM): lol... no it isnt really
FallenNGAngel (6:30:09 PM): i look paler in natural light
SmilingChica2006 (6:30:26 PM): but your hair looks better

like others have said... tis the season of new loves. and major couple-age. because it's the first half of the year and thats when people come together. we'll see how long it lasts. not to be pessimistic or anything but hey. i'm still single.

i was thinking, overthinking.
second time writing this entry!! grrrrr...

so halloween danielle ashley c and i went trick-or-treating. it was fun. i mean, you're never too old for free candy. we didn't get that much, but hey. i was a bellydancer, ashley was satan's bride, and danielle was our little hooker. oh, how she's grown. we went out to eat with ashley's family. ashley's little sister, kristin, is sooo clumsy, it's funny. and i felt bad cuz ashley was all embarrassed, but her parents are cool. we saw scary movie 3 [eh]. and then i slept over danielles house. good quality sleep for us.

i like being with danielle in her house. before we left the house, i was reading val's journal and i started to realize that i won't see her face on monday and i cried... danielle was there to wipe away my tears. i'm gonna miss ma pretto mami. memories. =*( danielle made me chili to make me feel better.
then we went to boonaducious [sp?] to see our guys, relient k! it was awesome. just me and danielle the whole day. many great moments. we had good quality bonding time which we always have. we had to kill 7 hours together before relient k came on. we had fun. it was beautiful weather. it rained really hard at one point, but stopped when relient k came. it was so awesome. idk what to say... it's so hard to describe a great time. relient k played a bunch of our songs. the only thing i wanted them to play but they didnt was trademark but it was ok cuz they played *highway to the danger zone* and *take my breath away* from the 80s. =D to fall in love with the 80s....

danielle was a messed up child. still is. psychotic-ism. <3

the most interesting day.
many events happened today and i have no idea why. maybe its cuz its the day before halloween. who knows. sigh. many emotions.

so i went to school. and the day begun. another humdrum "i want to be alone" mood i was in. little did i know what was to come. substitute in chem... "filipino??" lol. yeeeep. in english? val found out she has to leave. =*( it hasnt hit me yet. its weird. janyll was crying though, i felt soooo bad. i love those girls. and then we went to spanish. i feel so bad for ms bronkie with her concussion, she's like always lost in her thoughts. she even like forgot how to spell a word today. i hope she gets better soon. and then in lunch we all talked about epstein and the test. man. i have to take it again! and a different one! damn bastards in my class. i can't wait to see what epsteins planning to say though to our class. it's gonna be very scary. he better not look at me. then ap art history. i cant wait til miss blair leaves. she's alright and everything but i miss mrs stecker so much. sigh. i LOVE art though. it always makes me feel better when i'm in a shitty lonely mood. sigh. on the bus, it was GREAT. we sung "i am your angel" to valerie. it was sooo nice. i'm gonna miss that girls mean comments so much. i love her. i've been going to the same school with her for 6 years. sniff. and we wanted to make it 9 but that won't happen. gosh. danielle and i went home with ashley to get costumes for tomorrow. we are deeeead sexy. just wait. tomorrow we be going trick or treating [gettin madd candy] and then movies. i hope we have as much fun as i think we will. we had some great moments at ashleys house. i dont remember them, but it was nice spending time together.

and guess what i'm doing saturday... RELIENT K baby!!

*i'm getting into you because you've got to me in a way words can't describe. i'm getting into you because i've got to be your essential to survive.*
*she's so pretty but she doesn't always act that way. her moods are swingin on the swingset almost everyday. she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing. and all i said was someone get that girl a mood ring.*

if i was the one who was lovin you...
=\ . danielle and i had good together time today. but as soon as she left, i started thinking. and thinking is evil, remember? well i don't really feel like typing about things so i'll just leave you with some lyrics [i wrote]:

red-handed
in and out of crying, my eyes change colors with the shades of my heart
and when I try to smile at the sun, I can't help but start all over again
I waste away my days sitting in mindless thoughts
aimlessly trying to think if I could ever stop wanting you

and yet every time you shatter my dreams with just one phrase
i can't help but continue with this never ending stage of infatuation

i run back and forth with how i feel
can someone tell me this pain's not real?
the knife of your words keep spilling blood
and i am left red-handed with love

consoling myself, I'm forced to try to fill this emptiness inside
but it seems that I'll always be empty no matter how hard I try
only you can save me from this loneliness
you're so afraid to come near, that all you do is stare

and you call out to me to hang in there by myself
how can you expect a girl to live without what she loves?

i run back and forth with how i feel
can someone tell me this pain's not real?
the knife of your words keep spilling blood
and i am left red-handed with love

please pretend for just a little that you feel the same way I do
maybe I can live off of that moment and start to ignore the feelings too

i run back and forth with how i feel
can someone tell me this pain's not real?
the knife of your words keep spilling blood
and i am left red-handed with love

hmmmmmm
what shall i rant about today? well, last night was homecoming but i cannot go into everything that happened. it's so hard to think.

-beforehand, we took soooo many pictures!
-got in the limo... fiber optics.
-went to carabbas and saw people. some we didn't want to see.
-rolled up to homecoming
-no stopdropkaboom.
-adam stripping.... dead sexy.
-dancing with katherine and jared. thanks sweetie.
-dancing with my hesitant date, a.j.
-left the dance at 11... wanted to go back.
-went to the beach. sigh.
-wanted to cry... some know why.
-riding in the limo again... i love everyone still and always.
-slept at hema's house
-late night tv, uncomfortable bed
-late night talk with danielle while ashley came in and out of consciousness.
-beauty and the beast ---<--<@

and now i'm chilling at home with danielle. time was gained today, but it feels like so much time lost. soooooo much homework to do. don't want to do it. it was a fun night, but tiring. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

<3

i would like to get to know you baby...
anothering interesting day/night spent with danielle. we have too much fun together. she came home with me. we chilled out and then we went up to my moms closet so danielle could paruse my moms shoe collection and try on some stuff. she tried on like EVERY pair of shoes my mom owns! she took out this one pair and was like "they're hooker shoes!!!" lol. so my mom owns some hookerish items of clothing. you know where i get it from. we're birds of a feather, my mom and i. everytime danielle walked around on the tile with my moms shoes, it freaked me out cuz it sounded like my mom was coming. then we sat around. i watched danielle chew some gum. literally. we were sitting opposite each other and she just chewed and chewed. and then she accidently spit her bubble out onto my couch, it was soooo hilarious, my stomach was hurting and i was like crying. oh man. good times.

so greta came over just in time and we all went to the game. we ate taco bell on the way. we got to the game, and i missed my bandos walking in, but it was alright. i missed sitting by the band SOOO much. danielle said i'm like addicted to the band. i was sooooooooooo tempted to go underneath the fence thingy along the bleachers. when we were sitting in the stands, i even like imagined the marching positions so i could figure out who would be standing in front of us. how much of a dork am i? and as i was being obsessed with band as usual, danielle was obsessed with the cheerleaders. she was doing the cheers and giving me her cheer commentary. i loved it, cuz she was just so funny like saying things about the cheerleaders and her predictions and all. haha. my own cheer commentator... <3. we saw epstein with like 6 kids of all different ethnicities, it was funny. he didnt seem too happy babysitting them. adam heard about it and was like "wo!! mr epsteins a pimp!"

we spent like an hour hangin out with adam, joey, lauren, and andrea. crazy kids man. they're so weird, but it's funny. danielle and i just laughed and laughed. like they randomly do things. its like a literal stream of consciousness that they continuously act on. all of a sudden they played spin the bottle? lol and danielle and i wouldnt sit down but they still played. it was great. nothing too serious though. adam looked at me and was like sooo funny-looking. and then he grabbed me and kissed me passionately with his hand over my mouth. it was funny. it mustve looked ridiculous cuz my arms were waving cuz i couldnt breathe. funny stuff man funny stuff. when i went to go say hi to my bando peeps, i told sam that adam kissed me and she gave the funniest "ohmygod" look. it looked like she was gonna die. i <3 my bandos.

so i guess lauren and andrea liked my capris? lol. i havent worn em much in school. i've never like put this outfit together. props to danielle for doing it. i'll wear it soon. so i felt nice looking. danielle said that more people are realizing how sexy i am now. *shrug*. i'll always know danielle and luan as the first people to ever see me as sexy. wait til yall see me tomorrow... hee hee. but sorry, i've got a couple of dates already. danielle, valerie, a.j., and altan are my dates. i'm excited about tomorrow. yay.

i think thats it.
<3truly outrageous<3

some old school music here.
well... not that old school, but you know what i mean. so today was a half day. it felt like a friday. i really wish it was. people had many fun plans for today. my plans fell through so i just went home and had alone time. it wasn't that peaceful cuz devon called and we had a long conversation but it was nice. so i didn't feel lonely or anything. just silent... i hate when i feel like that. because then people think they did something to make me like that. and no one has done anything. i just like to think every now and then. hmmmm. i like having govt and precal being only one hour. however, that just meant more homework for this weekend. so i have to make friday and saturday GREAT so i can spend all of sunday doing homework. i have a lot. sigh.

*thinking*

*there's some things on my mind i dont know if i should be thinking. am i wasting my time, thinking about you and i and these feelings? cuz i see you and me holdin hands, doing things, going further. i'm just curious. when can i touch you? when can i kiss you? i'm curious. nothing more than a thought coming straight from the heart, i'm just feeling us. thinking about you and me, thinking how it feels, i'm curious. i just want to know what a true love is. if i could have things my way we'd go past time. maybe we'd do the things i'm thinking in my mind. and all the things i want to know, i know. the places we'd explore, i go. but now i see us both together.*

edit: omfg. i took like 10 quizzes and woohu decides to sign me out automatically so it wouldnt edit my entry so the quiz results would be there. UGH. i'm angry now. this is the only remnant i have.


Sango- You're a strong fighter and independent. But
underneath it all you are a little romantic and
like to be pampered. You may even secretly dream
to be swept off your feet by your knight in
shining armor.


What Japanese Anime Character Are You? (Rurouni Kenshin and Inuyasha)
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my child obsession.
omg. i'm watching the things from 1985 and it made me remember a childhood obsession i had. and it was funny because when i was a child, i didnt know it was from 1985. i LOVED JEM. jem and the holograms were like the bomb. and now i found out i was in the wrong year, because in 1985 they had dolls and everything. i used to rent those videos all the time at blockbuster. i knew a lot of songs too. *jem its truly outrageous truly truly truly outrageous oooooh jem*. i miss the good ol days. i remember her. and i miss jem. sigh. she was like my idol. i shouldve known she was 80s! with the big hair and makeup. lalalala. *remembering childhood*


Congradulations you are Jem!


Which Character from Jem and the Holograms Are You?
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naps are bad.
duuuude. my nap was bad. it felt good when i took it but now i'm like uuuggggggggggh and i hurt and ache. dammit. why don't i ever listen to myself? remember when i said i would never ever take naps again? well... i guess i needed it. to calm myself down? i didn't dream, i dont think. it wasnt a deep sleep, and you know that leads to bad feelings in the head. i walked home in the hot sun shower. it was alright, i told my story in my away message and people felt bad for me, but i didnt need sympathy. it was nice anyways. my mom brought home a pair of cordoruy pants home from the gap and like she asked if i wanted them and i tried em on and they were tight and it made me feel even worse... stomach hurts! i was like "did u try em on?!" and my mom is like "they barely fit me" ... i said "then how did you think they were gonna fit me?!!" the woman wants me to be skinnier, but that's not gonna happen.
<380s<3

i know i should tell you how i feel. i wish everyone would disappear.
i'm too shy to say, i got a crush on you. i hope you feel the way that i do.
i get a rush when i'm with you. you know i'm the one that you can talk to.
sometimes you tell me things that i dont wanna know. i just wanna hold you
you say exactly how you feel about her.
i wonder could you ever think of me that way?
i got a crush on you. you say everything that no one says.
i feel everything that you're afraid to feel.
i will always want you. i will always love you.

my new song.
hey peoples. today was fun. hahaha. i just wanted to see danielle and adam bust out in dance sooooo much. adam did some sexxxxy moves for us in ap art history. so many people paid attention to my skirt... it was like wo. like people didnt know i was sexy before. danielle and luan knew! but today... people saw it. girls and guys be like oooo look at her legs. i <3ed it but i cant take it for more than a few times a year. adam was like the worst cuz i had 3 classes with him today and he like tried feeling up my skirt like 3 times. it was freaky. and altan just wouldnt stop staring. haha, bitch, you know you can't have this right herre! lol. yeah... i'm dead sexy. i hope everyone likes my homecoming dress as much. hmmm. i dont like being so sexy. my feet hurt sooooo much. sigh. and i'm tired. we stayed after to decorate. it was alright. much fun, but i feel like sleeping now. but i dont have time... oh well. entertain yourself with this.. this is for you adam.:

Addicted2nyquil (6:20:16 PM): im still thinkin 'bout that outfit
FallenNGAngel (6:20:26 PM): isnt everyone...
Addicted2nyquil (6:20:42 PM): its the talk of the town
FallenNGAngel (6:21:08 PM): everyone realize how sexy i am
Addicted2nyquil (6:21:25 PM): uh huh
Addicted2nyquil (6:21:41 PM): you one fine piece of chicken
FallenNGAngel (6:21:48 PM): hahaha
Addicted2nyquil (6:22:10 PM): nice and lightly breaded
Addicted2nyquil (6:22:14 PM): baked not fried
FallenNGAngel (6:22:16 PM): hahaha
FallenNGAngel (6:22:20 PM): ah i love you adam
Addicted2nyquil (6:22:32 PM): i love your legs too
Addicted2nyquil (6:22:35 PM): i mean you
Addicted2nyquil (6:22:37 PM): i love you
FallenNGAngel (6:22:54 PM): oh thanks adam... you're treating me like such a piece of meat
Addicted2nyquil (6:23:01 PM): chicken
Addicted2nyquil (6:23:05 PM): not meat
Addicted2nyquil (6:23:12 PM): jk
FallenNGAngel (6:23:16 PM): lol
Addicted2nyquil (6:23:32 PM): you know i like you çause your smart
Addicted2nyquil (6:23:35 PM): and funny
Addicted2nyquil (6:23:39 PM): and creative
FallenNGAngel (6:23:52 PM): i like you too adam
Addicted2nyquil (6:24:06 PM): and easy
Addicted2nyquil (6:24:08 PM): to get along with
FallenNGAngel (6:24:45 PM): stop.... no go on
Addicted2nyquil (6:25:21 PM): well...
Addicted2nyquil (6:25:28 PM): your kind
Addicted2nyquil (6:25:32 PM): and friendly
Addicted2nyquil (6:25:44 PM): and asian thats a plus
FallenNGAngel (6:25:56 PM): you and your asian fetish
Addicted2nyquil (6:26:05 PM): yea
Addicted2nyquil (6:26:16 PM): and your neat
Addicted2nyquil (6:26:22 PM): and active
FallenNGAngel (6:26:26 PM): active?
Addicted2nyquil (6:26:35 PM): your not fat
Addicted2nyquil (6:26:49 PM): you have do something
Addicted2nyquil (6:27:07 PM): your a lot of things
Addicted2nyquil (6:27:52 PM): your supportive
Addicted2nyquil (6:27:54 PM): and cool
Addicted2nyquil (6:28:01 PM): and you type relatively fast
FallenNGAngel (6:28:09 PM): relatively...
FallenNGAngel (6:28:13 PM): cuz im writing my woohu
Addicted2nyquil (6:28:22 PM): oh ok
Addicted2nyquil (6:28:30 PM): i see the priorities

*if tomorrow never comes, i would want just one thing. i would tell it to the stars and the sun. i would write for the world to see. and it's you. the light changes when you're in the room. if tomorrow never comes, i would want just one wish. to kiss your quiet mouth. trace your steps with my fingertips. and it's you. the light changes when you're in the room. oh it's you.*

hmmm. cant seem to want to go to sleep.
i had a nice day with my baby, danielle. good therapy. and i'm too tired to write much. so here's just some lyrics that get into my head lately. you don't have to read them. i'm just keeping the love songs turned on.

*my soul is evaporating, won't you saturate me, saturate me. rain down on me with life.*
*i see you without me and i get lonely everytime.*
*if i try not to need you, i'd be hiding from myself. if i just trust the stillness, somehow it won't hurt so bad.*
*i thought that i was strong. i thought hey i can leave, i can leave. now i know that i was wrong, cuz i missed you.*
*i know you think that i shouldn't love you or tell you that. but if i didnt say it, i'd still have felt it. well, what's the sense in that?*
*its gonna be love. its gonna be great. it's gonna be more than i can take.*
*and i can't take this anymore. cuz i know someday i'll see you out that door.*
*i wanna feel the way you make me feel when i'm with you. i wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to. but everytime i call you don't have time. i guess I'll never get to call you mine.*
*please don't touch me like that. it makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow. please don't look at me like that. it just makes me want to make you near me always.*
*where did i go right? how did i get you? how come all this blue sky is around me and you've found me?*
*i only wanted you to stay, linger and mean the words you say. foolishly i romanticized someone was saving my life for the first time. i only wanted you to be there when i opened up my eyes.*
*if i was by your side, you'd never know one lonely night. *
*i'm getting into you because you've got to me in a way words can't describe. i'm getting into you because i've got to be your essential to survive. i'm gonna love you with my life. i love you and that's what you are getting yourself into.*


Ichi - "That one with wisdom"
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net


What would your Japanese name be? (female)
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Overdose. You don't like being depressed and you
care a lot about how your death will affect the
people around you but you just can't take it
anymore. You see this simply as a way of
getting out of the pain that consumes you. All
you want is a private and peaceful demise.


What Form Of Suicide Are You?
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