i just want to be with you.

i just want to be with you.

:: 2004 2 July :: 10.05pm
:: Mood: emotional

And they never gave up once....
they never fucking gave up and they grew old and died together and they were in love why can't that exist? The question isn't where are the prince charmings it is where are the love stories. Where is the devotion and the passion that makes people twist circumstance to make it through the hard times and reach the happy endings. The stories aren't perfect...they are perfectly sad and real and painful but beautiful all the same. I dont even know if I have teh capacity for such things but I'm now sure I believe that they exist somewhere in some willing hearts. I also believe it to be perfectly unattainable....I feel so lonely I just wish I had someone to scream at in the rain just scream and cry all the way into his arms where it can be all better again. I want to lie down and dance in the middle of the street I want someone who loves me enough to tell me i'm a big pain in the ass 99% of the time which I know I am and want me all the same....god it was just a movie but still.....just *sigh*

Catch me if I fall
I'm losing hold
I can't just carry on this way
And every time
I turn away
Lose another blind game
The idea of perfection holds me
Suddenly I see you change
Everything at once
The same
But the mountain never moves
Rape me like a child
Christened in blood
Painted like an unknown saint
There's nothing left but hope
Your voice is dead
And old
And always empty
Trust in me through closing years
Perfect moments wait
If only we could stay
Please
Say the right words
Or cry like the stone white clown
And stand forever
Lost forever in a happy crowd....

~The Cure~

2 lost in the moment | take my hand

playmate101

:: 2004 1 July :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: independent
:: Music: Cinderella // Britney Spears

i used to be your girlfriend & u know i did it well // britney spears.
hmm.. woke up at 1:30.
talked to jonah online, and got ready for the doctor for my fooooot.

he checked it out. thats about it.

got home, brittany called me & picked me up & we went to the mall. i found a dress i want for kaila's party at the Paladium Night Club. its super cute. btw, i hafta RSVP her for me & danielle. idk if ur reading this girl.. but yeah me & danielle r going =)

ummm... on the flip side... i bought a shirt.. from the mall... there were 2 skirts that i wanted... but i didn't get either of them because i put most of my money in the bank earlier today. ahhh fuck they were cute too. o well.

brittany and her... whatever u want to clarify him as... are off. s0o she is drivin' to GA this weekend to see Brandon, which is awesome for her. however, i'm spending as much time as possible with her before she leaves, which means i can't go to the UCT concert with jackie like i planned. i really wanna go, but i need to be here for brittany... and sometimes there are just choices that people have to make.

hmm. thats about it though. ummm PJ & Daniel called me.. i was like what the fuck man.. they are in the middle of watching Spiderman 2 and they are calling me... and then i told PJ to call me 2morrow... cause he wants to do something this weekend & i was gonna g0o to best buy with him while he got his "system" hooked up... but then daniel wants us to go to his house... i was just thinking... hell no... pj is cool, but daniel can kiss my asssssss. just because i'm single... doesn't mean anyone is getting me though. all i need is time alone i guess & to be independent... and lately... i've been doing a good job. i'm pretty much over everything... clarified a lot of things with myself & have really just become... stronger. well... if there is any possiblity of that considering that jonah thinks i'mma "pussy scared little bitch" for not turning down pj & daniel... like i should have. but hey he was right... i should turn them down cause i wouldnt be rude, they would be... after what they said. it was rude... s0o if i had bitched them out right there... its not necessarily my fault. but w/e. n i tend to forget that if i bitch someone out & they wanna hurt me... i have friends that got my back... like jonah, neil, carlos, pretam, avi, camilo, robert, jb, ryan, britt... etc. s0o i'm safe.

yuh i'm bored July 9th there is a UCT concert.. groton wants to go, and i wanna go cause i wanna go with jackie too... so we'll see how that works out. awesome-ness. xoxo <3 i'm out to chat with people on AIM for the night. holler.

** you don't have to depend on others to survive. **

2 lost in the moment | take my hand

sameen

:: 2004 1 July :: 10.42pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: cassidy- get no better

leavin tomorrow
hey guys,

what's up?? i'm leavin 4 bangladesh tomorrow. excited. the plane ride there will be long. about 2 days. at least i don't have 2 travel alone tho.. don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing lol. we'll c. i have 2 take my summer assignments tho [ the bio packet and the eng book- it's not that bad, but it seems like it's gonna move really slow. we learned about the author in spanish- isabel allende. i think that's her name at least--- don't quote me on it. so i did all my packing today. had 2 go run errands 4 my mom. the whole excitement of driving independently has worn off. i had 2 pump gas, which i don't like doing. the gas nozzle is broke so it takes two ppl 2 open it lol. one person 2 hold the button and the other 2 get it 2 open. how annoying. o well- there r worse things in life. packing's crazy tho. goin so far away and everything. it costs a lotta money too.

well im gonna go now. i dunno when i'll get a change 2 update.. so we'll c.

2 lost in the moment | take my hand

christini

:: 2004 1 July :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: switchfoot

ive decided to start alternating between here and eljay now, it seems like less people read up here. i like that its more.. hidden, i guess.
things have been really weird lately, i feel something else everyday. no consistency whatsoever.
emy and i broke things off i suppose, im happy/sad about it ,
happy cause, well, all we do is fight anymore, and it seems as if lately all hes been doing is provoking me and TRYING to make me mad, and just been getting on my nerves and hurting me left and right, and i just need the break.
sad , cause, well, as much as i dont want to, i do love him. and whenever i get lonely all i want is to be in his arms again. and, thats always gonna be there. until i have him back or until i fall for someone else. thats just.. how it works i guess.
it seems to be a mutual decision now, cause we've gotten to the point where its not really anything but a physical relationship now, and well, it used to be so much more. we used to be best friends.. and now, i feel like we dont know the first thing about eachtoher. and that only makes it that much easier to fight, when you dont know someone . so, maybe since we have that whole, physical aspect down pat, if we swerve away from that for a while and just not allow it, and work on the friendship we once had so well, maybe one day things will turn out the way ive wanted them. but maybe not. who knows. maybe one day we'll be such good friends that we wont want to ruin it again. maybe we'll get back together. maybe he'll fall in love and ill be heart broken. maybe we'll drift apart even more. maybe we'll hate eachother. i really dont know anymore. but im just , sick of hoping and dreaming and wishing on stars for him. whatever happens, happens from here. im done planning it out. cause that leads to nothing but disappointments and feeling of failure. and im really sick of that.
all i can hope for is the best. and that one day ill truely be happy.
hey, it could happen.

i just really want to get away for now. even if its just a sunny getaway with my parents. itd be nice to just go someplace i dont know and lay in the sun and listen to music and read books all day. i havent had time to read a book ive wanted to read in, ages. i never have time for me anymore. and from now on, thats my first priority. cause before i can find what i want in someone else i have to find it in myself. hopefully that getaway will come soon enough.
summer school may be over today for me, idk yet. cause even if i get an A, it might drop my hpa as it is, cause i think this class is only on a 4.0 scale. so it wouldnt make sense. plus i dont want to wake up early anymore. and i dont pay attention anymore, so , there really is no point. shrug. i guess i'll just decide by monday night.
someone wanna take me in for the fourth of july? i dont really wanna stay here. but dont really wanna impose upon people. maybe ill light some sparklers and just dance around my room. but then again that could be a fire hazard. we'll see. :/

now on to that me time.

6 lost in the moment | take my hand

playmate101

:: 2004 30 June :: 11.53pm

i feel like writing but i feel like dancing... which 2 do... that is THY �question?

<33 just forgot 2 add that in the previous entry... s0o read that one too lol <33

take my hand

playmate101

:: 2004 30 June :: 11.11pm
:: Music: 0verProTecTed // BriTney SpeArS

i did everything. but u still don't want it. s0 i'm s0rry, but i'm not returning //.britney.//
i can'T explain how g00d i feel?!

i s0o wanna be frickin' famous. g0sh i would pay. hottttttttt!

when i woke up this morning, cause i g0t neil's phone call. i played s0me serious GTA ViCE CiTY on PS2. i was 0nly in it ta steaL aLL the HOTT frickin' cars.

mommy came home from sh0ppin' f0r sum new shizzLes f0r theE kiTchen CauSe we juST g0t it aLL redone. buT yeah, i haD heR dYin' 0n the fLo0r, laughiN' @ mE. i haD BAD A.D.D. 2day, geesh! and then, 0n top 0f thaT... i'M bLonDe w/ a ReTarDed BraiN! but thAt's N0T the PoinTs guys.

yup... jonah rang 2day! yay! um.. we switched thru a buncha channels on the television like uh... oprah w/ marykate & ashley, tennis, baseball, & pokemon... then he found my absolute favorite movie on channel 66 which would be "DON'T SAY A WORD" yuh... and then my phone battery died on him lmao. i found it hilarious. *shrug* but he put up with my frickin' stupid/ A.D.D. self =)

s0o i watched that... & did some Exercise. wonderful. i was gonna g0o runnin' with Carol, but my f0ot isn't COMPLETELY healed yet. but i d0o g0 to the doctor 2morrow.

took a nice shower & um.. felt really g0od about myself. i think its cause i'm listening to the britney spears cd... the 3rd one, "BRITNEY". yup yup.

ummm i was impressed by the Simple Life 2 show 2nite. but i will NEVER again eat sausage.. & "the lesson we learned today: don't fuck with me."

ashlee simpson was a g0od episode 2. i love the new s0ng surrender... n her album is g0nna be absolutely AWESOME. can't wait. & her & ryan are HOTTTT together. xoxo

ashley e ---> thanx 4 the text babe. we hafta hang out this weekend. <33
ashley p ---> yuh i got ur letter.. but the purpose 0f sending the letter... wasn't in there lmao.

cinderella has got 2 g0. <33

take my hand

playmate101

:: 2004 30 June :: 12.55am
:: Mood: moody
:: Music: in this skin // jessica simpson

this is how it went down...
i didn't fall asleep til' like 5:30a.m. cause i hadda fever earlier. yuh s0o i did indeed watch spiderman. it was a really, really good movie. but yeah... i slept until like... 3pm...? yeah, well w/e.

umm.. i didn't do much today... since i didn't feel g0od. i mean, i jumped on the trampoline with the little kids... that was cute. made some brownies & rice crispy treats. delicious. called danielle to see how she was doin' in NC. yup yup.

now i'm sitting here talkin' online to jonah, ashley p, carlos, and camilo. g0od stuff. camilo is trying to cheer me up, ashley wants to make sure i'm ok, & carlos is just listening to lil' ol' me. n' jonah n i... are just... talking. yup. anyways... i'mma dip, listen to some more of my jessica simpson cd.

"i'm in a glass case of emotion" - anchorman

+EDiT+
things i'm hoping to look forward to:
*seein' the family / going to the bahamas.
*rbf concert.
*cheerleading practice & camp to start. <33
*gettin' a car to see my old friends. ((they aren't gay... i just realized how much they are really there for me thru my tough times.)) xoxo

take my hand

playmate101

:: 2004 29 June :: 2.34am
:: Mood: jubilant

turned out just like a fresh apple pie
ok... so, jackie called me tonight. we talked. =)
got online & talked to shane & neil. because neil's friends don't think he can get us to miami without getting lost... plans for wednesday have been cancelled lol.

was about to go to bed... and jonah got online =)

talked to him... and then ashley e got on, n so did ashley p, and carlos, and shane was still on, and avi got on. so ashley e & i talked about the microphone, & kidney stones... ahh i forgot to mention "ur my porn" lol. <33 um... ashley p & i... solitaire. i was talking to so many people n gettin' confused, but it finally calmed down =)

anyways, i have to go watch spiderman... i wanna see the second one with jonah but i have the first one n never watched it... so seeing the second one won't make sense to me... anyways, i'm out for the night xoxo <3

take my hand

bocaheath05

:: 2004 28 June :: 8.11pm

more love, less handle
woohu is good for venting when i don't really want anyone to know about my situation. i mean i know some people read this but i think the people i don't want reading my journal read my livejournal...well at least i think.

i'm still completely upset about the current situation. i mean he loves her. love is so....big. it's like "i love you. marry me!" i am just so fucking angry. why can't he love me? oh right, because i am just the girl he has feelings for, can't be the one he loves. but you know what? maybe it is good he doesn't love me. cause like i said, it's love.

ok. i take that back. i totally want him to love me.

i want to hate him, but the more i want to hate the more i think about him and, as weird as it is, like him.

i am going up north on thursday so hopefully i will start to forget all the conversations we had. all the times i dreamt about him. the past days of crying. it's just, depressing.

when i'm gone IM me cause i'll have all my IMs forwarded to my phone.

<3

1 lost in the moment | take my hand

playmate101

:: 2004 28 June :: 6.59pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: how come // D-12

if i can sum up everything i learned about life s0o far, in 3 words.... it goes on. <3
today was... eh.

woke up around 2pm after talking to carlos 'til 4am cause he wasn't tired because he just got home from miami from the beatdown. kanye. so jealous. neways... he talked to me... cause i needed a good talkin' 2. needed some sense smacked into this blonde's head.

after i woke up... he called me cause him & avi were supposed to come over from boca, but avi was bein' a dick and not answerin' his phone. w/e lol. i'll see the boca people s0on, i gotta car & a license comin' my way.

i needed to get my mind off things... s0o i cleaned the house. kept myself very busy the whole day. worked just fine. then i soaked my foot again... i took pictures, i hafta put them up here lol. *squeaks in disgust*

pj called me like 10 times but i missed the calls. s0o i called him back & he wanted to hang out cause he wasnt gonna go to delray to see the Atlantic people tonight cause he just got home from baseball. but i told him i was already plannin' on stuff to do 2night. s0o idk, he wants to make sure "the tiny one" is ok cause he doesn't want me to be gettin' hurt. u know. "i told u, if i can't spell the boy's name, u got no business being with him cause it'll turn out bad." lmao sry pj, but ur lack of intelligence doesn't need to predict my future.

ahhhh chance is over. (my brother's friend) they're listening to their wigger music. ugh. i'mma go sit outside with my mommy, carol, and booty girl.... call the cell xoxo. <3

take my hand

playmate101

:: 2004 28 June :: 12.10am
:: Mood: excited

today was a good day.
talked to jonah all day.
finished my collage today.
ryan cleaned his truck & stopped by to say hi before he left for boca, wanted to see my foot =)
brittany came over, we went to get ice cream & stopped to see ariel. =)

i took the bandage off my foot, ew it is disgusting looking lol. but thats ok... i put a few bandaids & a sock over it, so it doesnt get infected & i dont have to look at it.

1 lost in the moment | take my hand

lifesuxsodanz

:: 2004 27 June :: 9.22pm

this might be long....
Hey everyone I haven't really updated in a while...for me anyway. School has been ok as has the weekend. Only 6 more days to go and then i'm off to gainsville woohoo...well hopefully anyway we are having trouble setting exact plans because hillary doesnt know when she is going to be up there or down here I had a dream last night that the day we were supposed to leave michelle came to my house all pissed that hillary changed her plans again lol it's something that I could see happening and we all know how my dreams are.

Anywhoo I'm looking forward to that I miss hanging out with richelle and hillary and michelle and danielle and eating odd combinations of food laughing at anything and everything richelle did or said being delerious and drunk at 3am and all of the random spanish guys we would hang out with and all of our attempts to be spontaneous turning out horrible but making the best of it anyway. That is the high school I will always remember fuck everything else.

My mom has made me a proposal...if I go on this diet with her and keep working out and such we will go to NY for a long weekend so I can go school shopping on 5th avenue and at the boutiques and vintage stores in soho and the village. It's really because my mom just wants an excuse to get away...we can't go on a family vacation because my dad cant take time off. But really...how fat does she think i am that she's willing to go to such extremes. It's the perfect bribe because I have been whining that I miss shopping and it's been so long....it sadly is my therapy. Money has been tighter lately tho so I've had to forgo my weekly trips. idk I suppose she's just trying to prevent me from going bulemic again. It sounds aweful but being slightly unstable (or moreso) can work to your advantage sometimes.

Yeah so yesterday my mom and I went to cityplace to see stepfor wives...she loved it but i wasn't too impressed maybe I would have enjoyed it more with my friends but I was a little bored idk. We ate at legal seafood then we went shopping! like I said it has been forever so I was happy I got a really cute new outfit from anthropologie its kida different but I like it I got shoes to go with it at gap I'm still in search of a purse. I also got a cute top at this other boutique there that I never usually go into they have some really cool weird stuff but it was all expensive as hell I'm suprised my mom even got me the one shirt. Then I went to barnes and noble to buy the AP bio book which will hopefully help with all of that summer crap I have still refused to start.

talked to john this weekend which I havent done in a while I miss our conversations just dissing each other back and forth in creative ways. I always write these little stories about hsi future and he ends up either gay or with a 400 pound black woman or with a woman who is really a man so since it was his bday I promised i'd write a nice story where he got to have sex with an attractive straight woman it turned out pretty good if I do say so myself. It was nice talking to him though because he always gives me good relationship insight. He actually listened to me whine about my whole lost love situation...*sigh*

....thats all I can say about evan....*sigh* and I miss him like you wouldn't believe. I really did have good reasons for leaving him he was a big asshole to me but I can't seem to remember what hating him felt like. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder i suppose. you tend to romantisize things that were nowhere near as ideal as uyou remember them.

Danielle is in North Carolina : ( I miss my chub and her crazy conversations and living vicariously through her with her boys.

well this has gone on long enough I have school in the morning....bleh

~goodnight~

1 lost in the moment | take my hand

playmate101

:: 2004 26 June :: 11.57pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: My Happy Ending // Avril Lavigne

s0o much for that happy ending.
i want to see u. i want to be with u. i want to spend time with u. i want to kiss u. i want u to hold me again. i want to love u the right way. i want to say that u r my boyfriend.

you ARE everything that i want.

i want u back.

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were [meant] to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just f.a.d.e. away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending.

Dmx504boyz: everywhere i looked i thought i saw u
HCOblonde31: =/ jonah!
Dmx504boyz: wut
HCOblonde31: i love u.
Dmx504boyz: love u too

jackie stopped over to see how i was doing. =) love ya & thank ya for keeping me company. xoxo went out to dinner with the family & friends. came home... listening to this song over & over again... and cutting out words from my old magazines.

i wish jonah would come & keep me company.

o yes... mr. camilo called me tonight =) we talked about stupid shit... mostly, he made fun of me for being blonde... believing his record for not taking a shower was one month... and other stuff. i gotta call him sometime next week he says.

wayne from UCT thought i was a horny girl cause things on my journal like "girls just want to have fun", "sex drives are outrageous", and "undress me". but jackie told him i was a virgin & an angel at that. i might be able to go to their show at skatezone on friday... if i'm not doing anything... and then meet them afterwards? *shrug* we'll see. <3

goodnight. <3 loneliness is taking over.

2 lost in the moment | take my hand

bocaheath05

:: 2004 26 June :: 1.34pm

i don't understand it.
he knows how much i care for him, how strong it is. he loves her.

do these things only happen to me?
last night i didn't know what to do. up till quarter of 1. most of it laying in bed or sitting on the floor in the bathroom to not make any noise.

i can't handle it. i can't tell anyone. i need to tell my feelings. i need someone.

take my hand

playmate101

:: 2004 26 June :: 2.27am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: your the only one // maria mena

I NEED ADVICE / OPINIONS
recently my parents have caught on to my 14 yr old brother smoking... they have caught him before smoking cigarettes in the bathroom late at night. he got punished badly, n it was upsetting... but he did what he did.

now i KNOW he is up to it again. tonight i walked outta the bathroom at about 2:15am & smelt smoke... it was funny because the only person who does smoke... is my mom & she was sleeping. so i went to my brother's bedroom door... and i smelt it more. then he came up from behind me because he was in the kitchen & goes...

tommy: "what r u doing?"
briana: "dude, ur room smells like smoke!"
tommy: "idk y."
briana: "maybe because u were smoking?! duh"
tommy: "no i don't do that stuff."
briana: "yuh ok" *walks away*

5 minutes later.

tommy: "briana come in my room for a minute."
briana: "what?"
tommy: "idk what to do, its just addicting, plz don't tell mommy & daddy, i know its wrong, but i can't stop."
briana: "tommy, i have to. what if this shit kills u in 15-30 years? or what if u drop the shit on the floor & the house catches on fire or something? what if u wind up with lung cancer at the age of 18? u obviously don't understand the stuff is wrong, nasty, and needs to be taken care of!"
tommy: "i know but please don't tell them because they will get all mad."
briana: "tommy, i can't stop u from doing it, n obviously u can't stop urself, so daddy & mommy need to stop u, because they have their controls of doing so. its just to take care of my brother... i gotta make choices i don't wanna, but its for ur own good."
tommy: "briana, please!"

and i walked away...

should i tell my parents, or not? i know he doesn't wanna suffer from being grounded... my dad yelling, etc. but i don't want him to suffer death early. =/ i'm so confused.

leave comments & help me out. PLEASE <3

9 lost in the moment | take my hand