Lysol?
*Takes a moment of silenc to remember Christopher Reeves

RIP Mr. Reeves you will be missed.

-Chasmin-

There are giants in the sky!
Well yesterday I took my SAT at Atlantic. Honestly it wasn't that hard. I admit there were questions that stumpped me but all and all it was good. Now because I said that I probably got a crappy score. The only bad thing was that I was studying for the new SAT and I forgot that on the old one there are analogies...ahh I like yet dislike those. Depending on my score on this SAT, will determine wether or not I take the new SAT in march. After the SAT I went to see Oklahoma at the Broward center. It was really good. I enjoyed it. I got a pretty Tshit to add to my collection of Tshirts. Then after the show was over I went over to Waynes house in Boca and had my acting lesson. I love Wayne he is such an awesome guy. I mean for about late 30 to early 40 guy, he is easy to talk to and we have so much fun. Were working on this monologue from Oleana which I have to go see if I can find it at the library or somewhere. It is a totally awesome mono. I have alot of fun with it. When that was done my mum dropped me off at Luna Rosa so I could get some food. Cause Franny and my mum were going to Bill and Carol Scotts for Chilli. Oh earlier yesterday morning when I was getting ready to go to SAT. Franny was like are you taking a test today? I was like yah. He was like here put this in your pocket it's a good luck charm. I thought that was really sweet of him. Casue Franny is a nice guy it's just hard for him to show it to someone who isn't in the AA. Well I have to finish gettin ready for work.

-Chasmin-

Pictures of my friends.
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Hehe it's the Lorelei

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This is Meg (bagheera)

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Freddy the pie man

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Amanda

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Jimmy

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Matt

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Amberkins

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Eddy the nipple and butt king

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Carrie the cool

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Sparkles (sparks)

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The infamous Cesar

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Some kid running away. I forgot his name

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Kylee hehe

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Ross

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Devin with a wig...the other half of Lorelei.

These are my friends, well some of them arent' they pretty?

-Chasmin-

Dreams
Well I was going to put something in here...but then events changed. Ryan and I talked for about 2hrs. I don't know what got solved out of it but something did. So hopefully things get better...why do things happen the way they happen. What is it that we have to learn from it? lets see if I can figure out in days to come to see what I need to learn. Ryan I'm sorry for making you angry, you know what I'm talking about.

-Chasmin-

Lava lamp
God why did I let Ryan take me home? I was doing fine I was happy then he took me home and I got depressed. There was so much that I wanted to say but I couldn't say it. I had plenty of chances to as well. It was almost like "god damnit bitch go ahead and tell him if you don't now you will never get this chance again!" God on the way to Ryans car so many things sent jelous vibes through me it was so annoying. Helen gave Ryan this bracelet and he was wearing it which sent me off. Then he yelled out this girls name which did as well. Then he saw that same girl and sorta said her name. AHHH it's so amazing frustrating. I wanted to tell him that I missed him but I wanted to know if we would ever go back out again. I can't take this whole thinking about him 24/7 and not even being able to have him. Sadly though I think if I dated Cesar Ryan wouldn't even give a damn. But if he did he wouldn't show it and I would never know. I don't know what to do anymore and I just want to scream. With Cesar I am happy, but I love Ryan. But now its all up to him on what I do....I can't even fend for myself anymore. Why can't I cry! I want to cry....just let me cry...

-Chasmin-

Themes of Horror
Well well well, it seems as if I am caught in a slight predicament. My friend Cesar asked me out today. Which I kinda expected was going to happen, but I didn't know if he would. I told him though that I would go out with him but I'm not ready for a relationship but I do like him. Now my problem is I'm still in love with Ryan and still hold him dear in my heart and I just plain out love him. Ryan and I still might go out...but I don't know. My mother already loves Cesar and is planning trips that involve him...where she wouldn't give Ryan the time of day. I would never want to hurt Cesar either...but I'm afriad I might in the end, and I really don't want that. He's a good friend and too sweet of a guy to actually want to hurt. Then again I don't want to hurt Ryan but I don't know whats going on in that department. So what am I supposed to do? Wait for Ryan to come around, or go with Cesar? I've never had this happen before....and I need help. Hopefully I can figure out everything.

-Chasmin-

Polaroid pics for my buddy.
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-Chasmin-

Nifty Fifty's: Taste the memories
Well last night I went to my friend Marlenes baby shower. Thats the girl whose wedding and bachelorette party I went to. Holy shit is she huge now...I mean it's like...woah. The baby is due the 15 but she's so tiny and the baby is so big they might have to induce the baby next friday. I hope everything turns out ok. As she was opening her presents I just got sad watching her. She is so young. I can remember going to school with her only 2yrs ago. I know that some people would probably take this to offense but I think it would of helped out her life if she got an abortion. But her family doesn't believe in that stuff. So she had to get married her husband spends all his money on weed. Marlene who is so young is having a baby. It was sorta like my mom. She had a baby that young. My brother Aaron. She said she wished she had someone to talk about that whole thing to. I don't know having a baby scares me...it really does. I know I want to have kids some day. But hell I want to get into college and have a life before I go and bring others in it. Whatever this is too much semi-deep thinking for me so early in the morning...well it's not that early anymore but same difference. Into the woods and out of the woods and home before dark!

-Chasmin-

MARS
So it's been a lil' while since I've writen in this thing again. I'm getting way to lazy lately. So umm let me update. I've decided I need to get over Ryan since the thought of us getting back together seems a very dim thought right now, probably cause it will never happen. So I will act my normal self to try and get back to my normal self. Anyways I bought a really cool dress lets see if I can get the pic of it on here. I can't so heres the link for it. http://www.leatherworks.com/Eternal_Love's_Original_Princess_Dress.htm
Its the second one the girl with the pink hair. I know the first girl is wearing the same dress...but the girl with pink hair looks better in it. So yah thats basically all thats been happening lately. My best friend Jessie got me to go out last night and we went out to eat and went to a movie afterwards. It was our ode to being single and having no guys. It was fun. It was her "birthday" and we went to roadhouse so we got a free sundae thing and it was good. Well I have things to do people to see and rooms to clean.

-Chasmin-

Scotch tape
Well I'm not at home again. I'm at Jorge's in Boca..what fun. In other words theres another hurricane here in florida. Yesterday when we were evacuated we came to Jorge's cause it was Frans birthday and we needed to make up for the party that was cancelled. It was fun though we had some people come over that we know that live in the same area as Jorge and we had burritos from Moes as well as chips and fajitas so its all good stuff. Friday I spent the night at Loreleis and we had fun. We went to the Boynton mall but it was closed then we went to the movies but there were too many people. We went to party city and I tried on a Cat Woman costume (just the top part) and it looked...sorta funny. After that she could see me looking over at Eckerds and she was like you wanna go over? I sorta nodded we get over there and I see Ryan skateboarding and Jose was there with some other kid and I was like I can't talk to him. He looked at our car cause we hadn't gotten out and he gave us this evil look I thought he knew it was us well that hurt me really badly and I was like Lorelei lets go please. She was semi-yelling at me but we finally left. When I texted Ryan later on he realized after we had pulled away that it was us. Lorelei is a wonderful friend trying to make me feel better and everything. We watched The people under the stairs and it was really good I reccomend it. I called Ryan last night and we talked a lil bit and from what was said and what happened...it seems to me that this is affecting him more then me...maybe the full effects of us not being together anymore haven't sunken in yet almost like its not real even though it is. I'm different without him...it's a weird feeling. I snap at people without meaning to. I'm sad of course, I find myself crying over little things. In chorus I asked my friend Cesar to give me some love cause I needed some and he came over and hugged me like usual and was like don't you have a boyfriend? I shook my head no and he wrapped his arms around my waist and was holding me like Ryan would and I was feeling really uncomfortable. I was just like we broke up. I dunno but I was like this is not your job this is Ryans I want Ryan to do this in my head of course I was thinking this. Blah. I bought Ryan's deoderant yesterday cause it smelled like him and the eckerds that I went to by the Boca mall Ryan's brother Miguel works there so I felt sorta weird. I'm sending Miguel evil death glares right now for what he said to Ryan. Ryan told his mom what happened between him and I guess his mom told Miguel. Well Miguel looked at Ryan with a straight face and said "I told you so". When Ryan told me that...I was like you evil thing you. I actually think Ryan and I will be back together soon so thats good. It's too hard being without him...but I'm scared its going to turn into what was going on before. I want to make this work really badly but maybe this small break is what we needed but I don't know anymore. I'm going to take a shower now. To all my Floridians be safe in the hurricane. And if anyone from Atlantic high reads this theres no school Monday.

-Chasmin-

And so it ends.
Ryan and I broke up today...officially. I said it since he couldn't and this time it wasn't planned....oh the pain. This is going to take some time to get over.

-Chasmin-

Don't go breakin' my heart..doo doo
Would I sound selfish if I said I wish Ryan didn't have any friends? Well thats how I'm feeling alright. I'm envying Lorelei's relationship with Devin so badly. They are always together...and they are usually always happy. I mean these two have classes and everything. What do I have I see Ryan in the mornings and in the halls on one of the days. Thats all. Maybe I'm too busy and I don't see it. Maybe it's my fault. Am I the one with no time for him and he just goes off to find something to do? I don't know but I'm just sad right now. I guess I'm just too needy of a person. Were doin' ok now I guess but we still don't really see each other, and the talking thing is still minimal. We at least either talk or text each other at night sayin' goodnight like we used to but thats all. My friend really thinks I should dump him for awhile so he can see how important I am to him, she doesn't think it's fair for me to be sad like this. I don't even know what Ryan is thinkin' anymore. I don't think I ever will either. I have to finish this ACT packet. ::le sigh::

-Chasmin-

It all amounts to nothing in the end...
Well guess what I think my mum and Fran (her boyfriend/sorta husband type guy) are breaking up...how great is that?... I think they've been together for about 4yrs now. God I can't go through that again. I may not even like Fran alot of the times but I've gotten so used to him being there and he's a guy who's always around. Not a father figure..not at all but just a guy. I don't even really talk to him..he's sorta hard to talk to cause it's usually always his way or no way at all. God I'm probably selfish for even saying this. My mom said not to worry about it but still. I got over my parents divorce somewhat, but another thing like that...I don't know how I would react. God I don't even know anymore.

-Chasmin-

Where does the sidewalk end?
Well of course I am alive and well...though some of you probably wish the opposite and if you do then 8p. My last entry I put the whole Ryan and me situation. Well guess what? More has happened! Let's see...I guess I will go back hmm...to Tuesday. Tuesday was any normal day but everything was going crappy. My mom was saying all of these things about Ryan and me (though they were true...but thats not the point) She was saying how I shouldn't be with him because he holds me back I'm always having to drag him around to do things with me and that I'm always mopey around him. She said that I should be with someone who I would have to slow down the relationship cause we would be having to much fun. Though she was right and that did sound nice...I'm still in love with Ryan and I always will. But her words we hitting me hard at the time and I started thinking about everything wrong in our relationship and I made a list of why I loved him, why I didn't, and the gray area (stuff that wasn't really important but still bugged me) I would share the list with you....but then I'd have to kill all who read it. I was so confused on what to do. I go to the mall later on with Stephanie and my mum, my mom had to go somewhere first then steph wandered off somewhere well turns out that Lorelei and Devin were at the mall too so I hung out with them for awhile. I asked Lorelei what I should do and she said it was my decision, then I asked her for the truth and not stuff that would just make me happy. She said that during this whole relationship I have always tried to make things work when there was a problem which was alot even though I don't notice it. I think of what everyone was saying and I decide on it. I was going to break up with him. I told my mom and she of course was ecstatic... I figured all of the friends that I hang out with that also hang out with him would probably hate me for breaking up with him but meh I could take it. I felt so strong yet confused and confident that I could do it. Well I knew that Ryan was at Ross's and I asked my mom if she would drive me over there so I could do the deed. Well as I'm leaving the mall thinking about what I was going to do I started getting lightheaded and really sick at the thought of it...it's not a fun feeling. We get in the car and everything is just flashing by me I wasn't even paying attention to anything. I text Ryan and he says he's at work and I was like argg. Cause I knew for some reason if I didn't do it then then I would never do it. I told my mom that then she was like so go to work and do it during his break or something. I just disagreed to that option I knew if someone did that to me I would be devastated...if I was really attached to that person of course. Everything was becoming to overwhelming for me so I go in the bathroom and cry for awhile then people came over to Jorge's so I come out and I get some ice cream and eat it to make me feel better. After awhile I was ok again but it was still lingering in my mind. Everyone was saying to dump him but I just didn't want to but then again I did. I texted Ryan saying that we HAD to hang out the next day I said I would meet him at the Don Carters bowling alley. Next day came around and my mom of course was being strange and evil. She was saying she didn't want me to be alone with him cause he might freak out and hurt me cause I was leaving him and I was like mom I know he won't do that but she said you never know. She's just paranoid. Stuff goes on and I get to Don Carters my mom makes him come outside and get me cause she said her prescense would show that there was an evil spirit there aside from his (her words exactly) I get out and he had the 4-runner with him wich has no A/C so he wanted to stay inside. We sit at a table away from everyone and I told him straight up that I was planning to leave him the day before but I wanted to talk about it. Nothing really was said except a few things here and there but I was getting all teary again. Then he gets frustrated and was saying how he was saying all of these things in his head but they wouldn't come out, and if they did he would cry. I finally convinced him to go out to the 4-runner so I could get him to talk and so we would have more privacy. He finally says what he was thinking and that got me crying cause it was the nicest yet sadest thing anyone has ever said. Neither of us would say it though say that I'm breakin' up with you. After a good amount of tears and hugging we conclude that we would remain best friends. It was so sad though and it hurt so badly...I told him I wouldn't be around in the mornings for awhile. We got each other laughing a bit and talked about other things and we decided to go to the mall so we could get something to drink. We get to this coffee shop in there and he gets this vanilla carmel drink and I get like a berry something or other and we walk a lil' trying to act as friends. Just talking not holding hands or anything he rubbed my back a bit while walking but that was the closest we got to touching. I had to keep my hands in my pocket to resist the urge to take his hand. We walk by Godiva and decide on getting a few chocolates we sit down somwhere and looked at the Lion King 1/2 sign go up and down over and over again. We feed each other a bite of one of our chocolates...and it was getting harder and harder to act this way. To get my mind somewhat off it I asked..and begged him to try on clothes with me. He agreed. We wander the mall in search of Old Navy. I cannot figure my way around the Boca Mall... We finally find it and I pick out clothes for him then find some for me the lady at the dressing rooms asked if we wanted one together or seperate no matter how much I was tempted to say together I siad seperate. I didn't really like the clothes on him cept for the pants and I think one shirt. I go into his dressing room and I look at him and I was just like. I can't do this. I can't act like friends. He said me either, then we were back in the begining but he said neither of us said it which was true. I kiss him then go back to my room we leave there but I still wanted to try on more clothes. We held each others hands this time and that felt so much better just snuggling against him walking. We go to Burdines cause I know they don't keep a sharp eye on the dressing rooms and we could talk if we needed to. I find this type of shirt that I have been dying to see him in cause I knew he would look sexy as hell and some pants to go with it. The shirt was tight and slinky and brown and the pants were semi tight and black....GOD! he looked good especially with him hair back...I would have taken him right then and there if that were possible but I didn't. We talk a bit after he changes into another shirt and pants and whatnot and we come to the conclusion that we would stay together and try to hang out more to not let this situation happen again. Well we leave the mall and go back to Don carters and lay down in the back of his truck then it started raining and...yah so my mom calls and she was like where are you? In other words I had to go home. He drops me off and we plan to hang out the next day. I felt a hell of alot better but I was just worried that we we wouldn't be able to make the relationship work but he told me not to think about it so I'm not. He had to work the next day at 3 we had nowhere to go so we went to the mall again but after 10 mins he was sick of it so we decided on the movies. We get there and we go see Without a paddle. Let me just say I was surprised about a few things and it wasn't a bad surprise at all...not at all. We got out of the movies at 2 and he dropped me off at home and so concluded the ending of a nice day. We were going to hang out today but I had stuff to do and so did he so we are going to hang out tomorrow after he gets off of work at 2..I wonder what were going to do. Oh yah I was supposed to figure that out. Any suggestions. I'm really bad about this. Anyways I have to get ready for bed...cause I'm tired and I'm gonna find a book to read and talk to Ryan for a bit on the phone. So I guess everything is ok for now. I hope it lasts alot longer...I really do...I just love him so much but anyways your probably sick of hearing about that so I'm off.

-Chasmin-

Sony Ericsson
Well I lived! I have survived hurricane frances with an E but will I survive hurricane francis with an I (my stepdad) I dun think so. Wel now that we have survived this stupid fuckin' hurricane that took forever to get here we got another one comin'! Isn't that uber exciting?!....ok I'm done with my fake enthusiasm moment. My mum and I checked on all of our houses and visited some friends yesterday theres not that much damages to houses unless a tree fell on them or shingles fell off. Basically it was trees trees and more trees. We visited Ryan's house and I'm knockin but no one answered I called his phone but I think that he turned it off so I didn't get to see him...that poo head. We were supposed to hang out today but I don't think so I think I'm just going to go to the Boca mall since it's right there but that will be later. GAH I need a belt...either that or change to a skirt and tights..maybe I'll do that. Well I asked Ryan if everything was alright between us and he said yah then he said something else but I dun remember what he said. Our power came back yesterday so happy day but were not goin' back home cause we have no power there so I'm proabaly goin' to stay here for awhile. I don't even know what we are going to do about school. ::gazes at the pretty lil' rose that survived the storm:: you are so pretty you lil pink rose I would hug you but then I would get stabbed with a shitload of thorns. Well I'm gonna go change and find something to do.

-Chasmin-