musicalbabe
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2004 27 October :: 3.32pm
:: Mood: pensive
Wow, I have A LOT to update on!
I'll probably forget a few major things in this entry. Oh well. If there's anything obvious left out, comment and I'll add it.
Homecoming Week:
Extremely stressful. I came home from school on Monday, layed down on my bed, and cried. It was rather pathetic, but it was all I could do. I was just that depressed and stressed. (Gotta love how those two adjectives rhyme!) Was like crying at my voice lesson (much to the confusion of my voice teacher) and pretty much had a shitty day. And yes, I DID fail the Chem test. (But yeah, so did a lot of other people, so I don't feel like such an idiot.) The week in general was just excrutiatingly slow. It seemed like every day stretched on and on and every evening took forever to be over. By Friday, though, things were better and I enjoyed missing WLH and Chem for marching band...: )
Homecoming Game/Dance:
We had the longest, most serious marching band rehearsal EVER on Saturday before the game. I was so fried mentally from the week that I just totally lost it in rehearsal. We did music for like an hour and a half (standing...in the cold...with annoying, nitpicky musicians correcting like EVERY LITTLE PHRASE!!) By the time we started marching, half of us were ready to kill some of the staff coughgabicough and the other half were just like freezing and unhappy. Well, that's the sense that I got, at least. We started cleaning everything in drill so then we got yelled at for our music 'dropping in intensity.' Yeah whatever. These music people are hired becuase of their MUSICAL TALENT, not marching. I don't even think they KNOW how hard it is to march well AND play such nitpicky crap in our music. Whatever. My best moment was during a run-thru of Stained Glass where I just totally had a brain fart and marched like random places (no joke) at the very end. I'm like the front of the line (Howdy should be, but he's out of commission cuz of mono) and MY ENTIRE LINE FOLLOWED ME!! It was hilarious! We end and I look back and Vanity's looking at me like 'what the hell?!' and Lane just starts cracking up. It was so great. I felt like such an idiot. : P I did the same thing for like 2 measures in NCD, but luckily* (edited because of Molly's brilliance) I found my place really quickly. Lord, that's so scary. Like suddenly you don't know where the hell to go and NOTHING looks familiar. It's so freaky! I was sincerely afraid that I'd have a brain fart during the halftime show.
Went to In & Out (thank God!) for lunch. It was so great to get out of there.
Was extremely tired during the football game. Didn't do much. Hey, at least we won. It wasn't a great game, but whatever. Everyone like LEFT (including HC Court, HOW RUDE!!) and didn't watch our post game show. I didn't screw that up either! Yay!
Then I like came home and practically fell asleep. But then...
off to Mer's! Whoo! It was so much fun getting ready with all the girls! SOOO much better than going out to dinner with ppl and their dates. We had a blast!
Homecoming dance was so-so. Good, but not great, yknow? I won't go into all of the details, but a lot of time was wasted standing in line for pictures (those people are sooo annoying! first telling us to come back at 9:30 for a group photo, then 10:00...) and such. Some people were like really not into dancing either. I feel like whenever I go to a dance I have to like FORCE people to dance. Is it not called a 'DANCE' for a reason? YOU GO TO ONE TO DANCE, OKAY? I think it's lame to sit outside and talk when you bought a bid to a HOMECOMING DANCE. It's not a homecoming-sit-around-and-talk-in-a-dress. Gahh! All in all, it was okay, and I'm glad I didn't have a date. Maybe for Winter Formal...who knows.
Sermon:
We had to sing in church too, which was UGLY (as it always is.) The youth stuff for the children's sermon (yay Andrew!) and the Gospel (yay Annie, Kyle, Courtney, Ruthie, and Andrew!) went really well. I mustered up some enthusiasm for the sermon and apparently it came off REALLY REALLY well! Sooo many people complimented us on the message we put forth and how well we presented it. So many touching stories from people! Maggie (associate pastor) sent us a nice e-mail and so did Bob (ex-pastor). We also got a card from someone and another person called us. I'm really, REALLY happy it went over so well! I had no idea it was going to be that sucessful! Very happy about it! *Molly and Nicole surprised me by showing up to watch me!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!! That was so awesome of you!! <3
Pit/Clarinet/Sax Party and Flocking:
Had a good time with the pit/clarinets/sax's. We watched Office Space, but I had to leave early...hehehe. I was called at the last second to flock Jeff's house (where the dinner thing was being held) so I had to leave to come back and flock. Pretty darn awesome. So it's me, Marissa, Alan, and Gabi. Awesome group to flock with in the first place. So we're bringing out the sign, and Scott (Jeff's brother, who was at the house for some reason) totally walks out and catches us. He reads the sign and is like, "So, what does it mean to be flocked by the lahs marching band, anyway?" LOL!! We told him not to tell anyone and go back inside. So then I'm like RIGHT in the front of the yard, sticking a flamingo into the ground, and JEFF DRIVES UP!! He gets out, looks at me (i'm like cracking up) and walks into the house. He then comes back out to say 'Hi' to all of us. LOL!! 2 PEOPLE CAUGHT US!! It was pretty darn great.
Recent Events:
1) I'm really sorry that this one thing had to happen. It actually makes me kinda sad even though I have nothing to do with it and am involved in no way. *sigh*
2) I definitely need to explore this further, but I REALLY want to figure out if he's really just using me. I trust him, my mom trusts him, but I could really see it if all he wanted to do was take advantage of me. It just doesn't seem like he'd be that kind of person, but that's what a lot of my friends think, and I'm starting to be convinced myself. On the one hand, yeah, it's kinda pathetic. Why would he even talk to me? But on the other hand, it's been like over a year, probably a year and a half, and he STILL talks to me. If he just wanted to take advantage of me, wouldn't he have just given up by now, seeing as it's obviously not gonna happen? I really don't know. I'm going to continue to talk to people about it.
3) My mom got in touch with my ex-oboe teacher and now I'm going to get to rent an oboe from Forrests!! WHOOO!! It's going to be either a Yamaha or a Fox, intermediate make, full conservatory system. : D Yess!! I don't think I deserve this for the amount of money it's going to cost to rent one of these, but oh well. The oboe I'm playing on now is kind of crap. I also get reeds! And a tuner (cuz I wanted one...)! I'm going to get the new/nice used oboe for my birthday, becuase renting one is for a min. of 3 months. Happy! I'll start oboe lessons again with Pam after New Year's.
Quarter Grades:
I'm not really sure why I'm posting these, but other people do, so whatever.
0 Girls 21: A- Student is Improving
0 PE Band Soph: A Cit: O W/H:* O Student doing excellent work
1 Alg II: A+ (let's hope so...)
2 European History AP: A (how the HELL did I get an A?! it's gotta be like from the essay alone because my work is crap in that class and i know like NOTHING)
3 Chorale: A- Student is improving
PE 1Q: A Cit: O Student doing excellent work
5 French III: B+ (not sure how I eeked that one out!)
6 World Lit H: A- student doing excellent work (umm, I had an A on the print out she gave us...where did the - come from?)
7 Chemistry B Cit: O (I hate this class! Gahhh!! I'd better figure out how to raise it this quarter...)
8 Concert Choir A-
Total GPA (non-weighted) 3.78
Total GPA (weighted, counting the AP as a 5 and the extracurriculars) 3.89
*What the hell does W/H stand for? "O" for citizenship means 'outstanding'-- is W/H different?
Not too bad. I'm gonna try super hard to raise the Chem grade to an A-. I'm not even going to try for an A- in French. It's just not gonna happen. Youatt's not gonna change anytime soon. I'm hoping the MEHAP grade stays the same at the semester...I really didn't deserve an A when he gave random people like Bs and B+s.
Well, I THINK that's all for now. <3!
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2004 26 October :: 2.25pm
playing the guys. flirting with too many?
she flirts too much.
damnit.
she jus wants to be loved.
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2004 25 October :: 10.10pm
:: Mood: happy
mrs. baker came today for homeschooling.
blah.
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musicalbabe
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2004 25 October :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: drained
Ummm...so my profile says that this is updated. See, I planned to update, but then I got sidetracked.
And I have a bitchload of chem to do. This is not good.
Hope you enjoyed the update! Later! : P
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2004 24 October :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: wheat - i met a girl
friday jim and his mom took gabrielle for a couple hours.. i had to stay home and watch my sisters- and then i got in trouble because my mom told me that she wasn't allowed to go with them.. so we got into a big fight over that.
saturday morning at 2:42 am, gabrielles umbilical cord fell off.. she's growing up so quick!!
then around noon, donna [jims mom] came to pick me up and we went to see her boss, jims sister shelly, went to the mall and out to eat- then i came back here around 7:00 and went to work. my aunt loraine watched the baby. around 11:00 that night jim and his mom came to pick me up at the bar and took me home to get gabrielle then we went back to his house and stayed the night
today [sunday] jim and i woke up around 2:00, we ate jims sister shelly came over, then after she left his gram and cousin rachel came over for a little bit.. then we ate, sat around for an hour or so; then went out to see jims other sister kim and his dad. i got home around 9:30 i think.
it was a great weekend. (:
<3
p.s. kathy- if you're reading this.. i left the address to that handwritting anaylsis after the last note you left me in that entry. just in case you didn't know!
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2004 21 October :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: juvinille - slow motion
i dont know..
why does everything have to be so difficult?
hmmmmm, i wanted to go over jims house this weekend so i asked my mom and she basicly said no. so we got into a fight about how i always have to watch my sisters. i haven't talked to her since last night. i locked my bedroom door so no one could get in.
blah blah blah. it all just goes in through one ear, and right out the other.
<3
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2004 20 October :: 7.40am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: our lady peace - clumsy
"you will be safe with meeee.."
i love that song.
anyways, yesterday i went to this thing in upper st. clair. it's called People to People Student Ambassadors.. a group of kids get to go to another county for 20 days over the summer.. my mom and george think this is a great oppertunity for me, and that i should apply for a position to go. i don't know if i want to leave gabrielle.. 20 days is a long time. :( i guess you had to be nominated by a teacher/adult to get a letter from this program.. i wonder who nominated me? it's bugging me..
gabrielle kept me up til 2:00 last night, i think she's sick, or getting sick- but i hope not.. she woke up at 6:00, i fed her a bottle and she went right back to sleep. but i stayed up.. i'm not quite sure why. i'm going to be very tired later.. i'll probably take a nap or something, i don't know.
i guess my mom is staying home the whole day today.. she might actually make.. dinner!!!
..whoa, what's.. DINNER???
we usually eat a bowl of ceral or some toast.
ya know, breastfeeding is a lot harder than it sounds. i tried to breastfeed, but.. i don't know, i guess it's wierd to have to go to a different room just to feed gabrielle. i don't like that.. it's not the fact that it hurts a little bit, it's just that i don't like feeling that i'm making everyone feel wierd when i do it in the room. i don't know, it's hard to explain.. i don't really know what even made me think of it.
*sighs* i'm so weird sometimes.
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2004 20 October :: 1.29am
:: Mood: tired
my handwritting analysis.
Here is your analysis.
Jena exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although she may not intend to deceive or mislead, she blows things way out of proportion because that is the way she views them. She will be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of her material world. Jena allows many people into her life because she is accepting and trusting. She is sometimes called gullible by her friends. That only really means that she trusts too many people. Jena has a vivid imagination.
Jena has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.
Something is incomplete in Jena's life. She feels frustration relating to her physical needs and desires. Somewhere in her life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to Jena's sexual needs.
One way Jena punishes herself is self directed sarcasm. She is a very sarcastic person. Often this sarcasm and "sharp tongued" behavior is directed at herself.
Jena is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Jena basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach." She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.
In reference to Jena's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Jena slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Jena can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.
Jena is not facing something going on in her life today. She is deceiving herself about it. Often, Jena's opinion of herself is different than those around her. This trait gives Jena the ability to deny anything that does not agree with her "truth." This trait is not always something negative. It is only a defense mechanism allowing Jena not to face some reality in her life at this time.
Jena is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes. Jena will be somewhat moody, with lows and highs. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Jena an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Jena is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Jena is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.
People that write very large tend to be very social and friendly. It seems Jena has this type of writing. This indicates a need for people and a particular natural ability to socialize and be the life of the party. Now, if Jena also has specific fears (like fear of criticism or fear of trust) then she will deny she is the life of the party, because fear has overcome her natural inclination to be social. People with large handwriting tend to be effective at anything that requires interaction with lots of people. she is a people person.
According to the inputted data, Jena has a stinger shape inside the oval of her a, d, or c. This might be hard to visualize, but if this little hooklike shape is present, then Jena has an unresolved "issue" with strong members of the opposite gender. An occasional appearance of this stroke could indicate a simple "loves a mental challenge" which can manifest in playful linguistic conversations and being attracted to a lover who isn't always available. However, if the stroke is severe, this means the individual has unresolved anger at the oppostive gender - which usually started with the person's childhood relationship with the opposite gender parent (Mom or Dad.) If the writer is a woman she will be attracted to strong challenging men. If the writer is a man, he will find the girl who is "hard to get" most attractive. In a nutshell, people with stingers in their writing tend to have challenges in their romantic relationships. For more information about this "stinger" trait, visit this webpage: http://www.myhandwriting.com/analyze/hlltrt5.html. Remember, it is only negative if the traits occurs often and is quite pronounced. An occasional stinger can be no problem.
hmmm.. that's all very true.
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2004 19 October :: 9.04am
she is so stupid. why did she do that? she can feel the tension. why? cause she was so stupid. so dumb. "shes gonna knocked out." and for right reasons too. omg. why are you so stupid? dont fuckin cry! you're the one who said it you motha fucker. i cant believe you said it.
You bitch.
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2004 19 October :: 1.08am
:: Mood: touched
i was sitting here earilier today flipping through the channels while gabrielle was sleeping, and i turned on Maternity Ward on TLC. there was a women in labor.. i remembered when i was in her place, sitting in the hospital getting an epidural. having gabrielle was the most wonderful experience of my whole life, and i know it will be for the rest of my life. i just hope that when you [the person that's reading my journal] have a child, you'll feel the same. it's amazing how much i love her. i never thought i could love anyone this much. and i mean it's a totally different kind of love from the way i love jim.. i don't know it's hard to explain. one day when you have kids, you'll think back and say "hey, that one chick said i'd feel something like this.. now i know what she means." *sighs* okay, i'll get off my soap box.
gabrielle just fell back asleep.. but i'm not really tired; so i thought i'd rant on here for a bit.
today i didn't do much, took care of the baby, jim and his mom stopped down for a bit and visited. kelly came over to, then we went over her house to get something to eat and watched sixteen candles. that movie is so cute. *smiles* ahhh..
anyways.. it was raining all day today, it was miserable. i think i'm getting a cold.
so sometimes i get bored and i go into chatrooms on aol. i don't talk, i don't really do anything except read the convos in the room [they make me laugh.. haha] but anyways, if someone IM's me; i'll talk. then as soon as i say something about me having a baby- they stop talking. now why is that? is it a scary thing to have a baby? do i scare people now? haha; it makes me laugh.. i just thought i'd share that with everyone.
hmmm.. i have to get a costume for saturday.. it's the costume party at the bar.. i'm waitressing. so i'm thinking of ideas.. help!
kelly, if you're reading this in school- leave me a note telling me what time your computer class is so i can get online to talk to you!
well, i'm off to bed.. gonna try to get some sleep before i have to get up with gabrielle.
<3
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2004 18 October :: 3.51pm
:: Mood: crushed
How many tears is it going to take before I realize that I need to change my life?
I finally broke down today and cried. I still have at least 20 minutues of good hard sobbing to do before the stressed/unhappy chemicals leak their way out of my system. At least I know what the problem is.
I'm trying to do too much and I expect myself to do exceptionally in everything. Why? Now that's a tough question to answer.
Mrs. Passallo informed me today that I'm going to have to drop SOMETHING in order to make time for my academics. It's okay now, but it'll have to change.
Unless I want to go to NYU or something.
Hrm. Do I?
And then sometimes I just sit and think, this is absurd. I'm 15 and I'm supposed to be making choices about my life and my career? I'm supposed to be managing my time in a way that most supports my future? I have an entire decade until I've completed A QUARTER of my life. What kind of society do we live in where we have to make choices like this NOW?!
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2004 17 October :: 1.25pm
:: Mood: cold.. i don't think that's a mood, but oh well.
:: Music: the river runs through it [a good movie]
i'm so cold, my fingers hurt. *turns up the heat*
we went to the doctors on friday for gabrielle. she now weighs 9 pounds, 13 ounces.. she gained a pound and 2 ounces in a week and a half.. goodness! but everything else is okay, she's a healthy little girl!
i went to the mall friday night and bought her the cutest outfit from the gap.. [i spent all my money, because they're so expensive there..] but it was worth it, because it is so cute.
today i think jim is coming to get me and the baby around 5-6, then we're going to get a crib for jims house out his dads. we'll see.
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2004 17 October :: 7.03am
:: Mood: ::all groggily:: huh?..
:: Music: Thourougly Modern Millie Soundtrack
Knott's Berry Farm
Ok the past few entries in here have been too much about Ryan, and today seems the best day to change that constant flow of Ryaness. So yesterday in the wee early morning Marlene had her baby! I heard he was adorable, but still doesn't have a name. I'm feelin' something for her probably happiness but I hope things turn out fine which they probably will knowing them. I learned a dance to the begining of Cabaret...I give dancers so much damn credit...it is not that easy at all. Gah I need to practice that dance today after work. I got the part of Louann in my highschool play. Were doing "The Book of Days" it's a murder mystery thing, I haven't read it yet. But my part I'm the wife that gets cheated on and freaks out finally after not saying anything about it for a long time. It's not a big part but I have one good scene. I'm actually doing pretty well in school, I've been in school mode and I think the only thing I have to worry about now is my AP english class I haven't been getting good grades in her class...so lets see how bad I'm doing in there so I can bring it up. I can't wait for the SAT scores to come out. My teacher said it would take up to 6 wks...but thats too long. I want to know how I did. My dress that I ordered should be coming this week hopefully...if not..oh some asses will be capped and some skulls will be bashed. Hehe. Well must get ready for work, tata!
-Chasmin-
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2004 16 October :: 8.47pm
Okay, new goal: study harder and do better in school.
As much as I thought I valued my social life over anything high school has to teach me in the way of academic substance, I miss being somewhat of a teacher's pet. In elementary school and junior high, it was a known fact that many of my teachers liked me. That wasn't the case last year as much. I want to change that.
And I'm going to start now by studying my brains out. Toodles!
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2004 14 October :: 8.26pm
Yeah Okay, This Is Kinda Lame...
I'm not fishing for comments, really...
I've been stressed out of my mind recently. It seems like the more I think about life as a whole, the more it freaks me out, and when I'm thinking about life and not schoolwork, EVERYTHING freaks me out.
*panic attack/stress mode*
I'm better now, though. Awesome marching band rehearsal this afternoon. WE HAVE NOW LEARNED OUR ENTIRE SHOW!! WHOO!! I love you, marching band!
Totally met a cool person in Concert Choir today. I've actually been relatively good! I haven't thought about him toooo much! :0D (I guess only a select few will understand that, but whatever. The 'he' is no one from LAHS or anything, so chill out if need be.)
I love people. Yay for people!
Alright, now for the lame part...
What Would You do if...
--I cried:
--I said I liked you:
--I kissed you:
--I was hospitalized:
--I got dumped:
--I pissed you off:
--I was in a wreck:
What Do You Think Of My...
--Personality:
--Eyes:
--Face:
--Hair:
--Decisions:
Would You...
--Be my friend:
--Tell me the truth no matter what:
--Lie to make me feel better:
--Keep a secret if I told you one:
--Hold my hand:
--Love me:
--Date me:
--Who are you, what's our relationship:
--How and where did we meet:
--What's my middle name:
--How long have you known me:
--Tell me one good thing about myself:
--When you first saw me what was your impression:
--Tell me one bad thing about myelf:
--Have you ever had a crush on me:
--Describe me in 3 words:
--Do you think I'm good looking:
--How would you describe me to someone:
--Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
--What do you like most about me:
--What reminds you of me? :
--What song (if any) reminds you of me? :
--If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? :
--Do I cross your mind at least once a day?:
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