High School Drama at its Greatest

:: 2004 27 August :: 1.47pm
:: Mood: crushed

jordana: i hate stomachs......................me: i hate boys.
that last entry, as much as i hate to admit it, was entirely denial. things with morgan and i were at an absolute high a few days ago, but recently there has been a definite change. over the past 2 nights, ive noticed a difference in his actions and body language that has been scaring me. i walk over to him, he pretends not to see me and sort of walks the other way. hello kisses are running lower than usual, and he fucking picked nick over me. its funny, you know, the other night was a special one at the beach, but after that its been down hill. i cant help but think that thats all he wanted from me, since im reminded every dday to "get inside a guys head danielle, hes being nice because ur hooking up, and thats all he wants". and then i think, "dont break my heart" and it sort of gives me some hope...though not enough to make me believe that we may actually still have a chance. he didnt say goodbye to me last night, nor did he talk to me...at all. its things like that, things that make me think: what the hell could i have done? im not suffocating him, im not making him uncomfortable or being unreasonable by any means....what could it possibly be? i miss the kisses, and the tickle fests, and our frequent night-time beach escapades, and im not sure that im ready for it to be over. although according to a lot of people who talk to me about it, hooking up is all we have, im happy, and im not ready to give up this happiness just yet.

please, if you're reading this, "dont break my heart".

:: 2004 26 August :: 5.32pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: dare you to move- switchfoot

alotta stuff
my schedule, that was badly fucked up by the edgemont high school guidance department and will remain so for the school year of 04-05, for those that care to inform me, leave me a comment telling me what we have together:

1- chemistry
2- chemistry lab/gym on evens
3- italian
4- lunch ({[please if u have 4th lemme know, i refuse to be alone but i really have no choice :(]})
5- english
6- math
7- ap euro
8- spanish
________________________________________________________________________

as for the end of the summer in fire island, a lot of drama just about concludes it all. nick and victoria broke up...but it was more like an emotional break DOWN than just a plain break up. victoria was absolutely devistated, and hysterically crying, she could barely get a word in. although she knew it was coming, it hadnt really set in yet. we walked to town after nick had left his heartbroken lover for jordana and i to handle to get her a big fat thing of ice cream, i wasnt wearing shoes and i was carrying a tissue box....quite the sight. when we were walking down the street to go to town, morgan caught up with us, he had missed the whole thing so i explained it to him. "dont break my heart". things have been getting better and better between us, im so lucky to have had someone like him here this summer, i had waited too long for someone like him and finally, here he was. he made my summer complete, and helped to complete that gap i had in my heart. ah i wont get into this reflection on summer crap til i get home, summer is coming to its close too soon as far as im concerned.

xoxo-danielle

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:: 2004 21 August :: 9.42pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: aerosmith-sweet emotion

Just a briefer...
Going home sucked for the most part.

I've been able to do some really cool things at work...I got to sort of take a picture of the horses coming down the stretch so I was right next to them with mud flying everywhere and stuff...it was so cool, and then I was in the winners circle witnessing all the actionnn...It was so amazingly fun...I felt so important lol...and I was on espn and abc too...um, awesome!

hsb is good...very good.

Family is coming Tuesday--can't freakin' wait. And hopefully gals next week?

And I'm just having lotsa fun...It's just awesome. This place is the shit.

Funny Cide is racing tomorrow!!!
And my (and justine's) horse Just Gabi on Monday!!!

My best to everyone for the end of the summer...

xox

btw--did schedules come yet?

:: 2004 17 August :: 11.34pm
:: Mood: shocked
:: Music: bob marley

OH MY GOD.
SCENARIO:
im working in the flair house and im writing someone up, minding my own business when someone calls my name. i turn around to see the chest of someone really tall wearing a white sweatshirt. i look up to find myself looking at who's head?
1 GUESS:

taylor.
i was so fucking shocked i cant even tell u. gorgeous and sweet as ever. wow. ugh interesting night, eh?

things are going well between morgan and i, and ive finally accomplished my number one goal: hooking up on the beach at night...4 times. NICE :)

stephs home, so excited....shes coming out on friday, even more excited.
thats all for now xoxo- dml

:: 2004 16 August :: 11.38pm
:: Mood: anxious

I like being home a lot less than I thought I would.
..but then again I'm back upstate in 3 days for another 2-3 weeks.

It's great seeing the stellars, really great, but I've really grown close to the people up there in saratoga. They're like family.

It's like I'm in some sort of a fantasy land up there and when I come back down here I'm reminded of all the things that make my life so hard sometimes...but I'm also reminded of a lot of good things.

But I guess I'm glad I'm back for now cos it's showing me how much fun I'm having and how awesome it is in saratoga.

So thank God it isn't over yet--and the best is yet to come.

Here's to summer, it's still very much happening...soon I'm back to the races.

But for the next 3 days...welcome back Edgemont. Hasn't changed a bit.

:: 2004 11 August :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: aggravated

boys can be so silly sometimes....
interesting night the other night (8/9/04)::::
i was working in the flair house and this lady and her son come inside. lindsey keeps looking at her and looking at her and she says to me: that lady looks really familiar. i didnt see it at first but then as i continued to study her, i realized that she was familiar to me too. "shes from tv i think" i kept on thinking that, so lindsey goes up to her and says "i know this is gunna be a really weird question, but how do we know you?" it was meredith vierra from the view (the same lady who does who wants to be a millionare) it was so cool! she looks really old in person. its a wonder what those makeup people can do for you. that same night, it finally happened. morgan and i hooked up. we were in the street and it was literally for like a second, but it was good to have that feeling again. last night was movie night at adams house and of course it happened again, this time for around a minute, i personally enjoyed it. today however, i came to find out that morgan was telling people about our kisses. one of my friends (name not being stated for the privacy of them and those others who were involved) told me that morgan told them that i was too agressive with my kiss the first time. i was really upset to hear this news. not because of any stupid reason, but because of how utterly embarassed it made me feel. "dont choke him with your tongue danielle". ugh wtf. jesus, realize that im new at this and respect my fucking privacy. i dont need everyone knowing how i kiss, especially if its not good. maybe it was just the first time though, because that first time that he said i was bad it was really short, but last night when we did it it was longer and he did it with me. idk what that says, but maybe it was better. boys can be so stupid sometimes. stupid morgan, think before you open your mouth....or maybe i should before i open mine?? whatever, ill fix it.
as for everything else, its going well. camp is over in about a week, scary as that may be. stephs coming home in less than a week, i cant fucking wait. ah i miss everyone so much. thats it for now, another movie night tonight, my kiss'll be good goddammit, its gunna be really good.
xo-danielle

:: 2004 11 August :: 3.34pm
:: Mood: peaceful

Shit...August 11 already?!
Good God this season goes by so incredibly fast.

Things are good, as I've made some decisions that have been lingering in the back of my mind for a while.

I'm trying to clear my mind as much as possible and asess my goals and wants for the upcoming year.

Every once in a while I go through a time when I'm just so utterly satisfied about everything and I put things in perspective and there's this little twinge of happiness in my tummy...now I think I'm actually having one of those times. Which is weird because a few days ago I was all upset.

Gerspachs are coming in a couple days then family, friends, whoever...And this weekend I get to go HOME for a few days--yay home, I miss home. And I can see Stacey and Kate and whoever is back finally :) I can't wait.

I meet and see certain boys and the way they act and it honestly baffles me how different they are from the boys in our grade--and I look at them, some of whom are younger than us, and I'm just like "Wow, guys really can be like this?" I just wonder where most of ours went. It's good and bad. I'm so happy to have met this kid that I work with but at the same time...it's one month of the year. Who knows though, summer changes people.

I've finally realized who the people are that I treasure and cherish so much...And I'm so lucky to have so many of them. It's such a wonderful feeling to have people like that in your life.

And I know that's one thing everyone can agree on.

..Namaste..

briggs17

:: 2004 8 August :: 12.00am

DML xoxo: amazing job briggy! see ur religion obsessivness paid off lol

(:

:: 2004 6 August :: 3.46pm
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: britney spears (gah i hate her)

drama updates: NOTE- part one was written at the beginning of the week just not posted, while part two is me actually talking right now (friday 8/6)
PART 1
you would think that coming to an island in the middle of nowhere in the ocean would allow for an escape from drama�but you�re wrong. i should�ve known better, ive been coming here since i was born. so much has been happening out here, its worse than being at home, because here im in the thick of it. it seems that lately the boys and the girls in the group of friends that im part of have been going after eachother, everyone seems to have their �crush� or their hookup buddy in one particular case. yes, i understand its summer, and hormones are rushing, but omg give me a break. nick and victoria are hooking up, justin likes jenna, joey wants jordana, zack wants me, according to nick and as part of my own observations morgan wants me, and I could potentially, for the third summer in a row, like morgan. that�s the big problem. zack likes me�.and hes not afraid to tell me. about a week ago he sat me down and told me that he liked me, it absolutely killed me to tell him that the feeling wasn�t mutual, but i tried to remind him how much i love him as a friend and a person. he was sad, for a while, and then he kept on talking to me about it. he wanted to know why mike and not him, and i was absolutely at a loss for words. its hard for me to grasp the concept that if what I see in both of them was to be put together (zack�s personality and my attraction to mike) we would have a perfect match. i was handeling the situation okay until last night when he told me something that made me feel like the stupidest person in the world. �i know what you want and i want it too, but more than that i want to be the one to give it to you, and it confuses me the most to know that if you would just give me the chance, i could make you so happy.� normally a statement like that wouldn�t bother me, but the fact was it is so true. zack has the biggest heart of anyone that i know, and I know he would do anything in the world to make me happy. he watched as his best friend was my first kiss, and encouraged it yet, because he wanted to see me happy. im stupid, i know i am. he could give me anything i wanted, and he would make me happy�if i felt the same way. everything is there but the romantic attraction. tonight he talked to me again, asking me to tell him if he was wasting his time on me, and i had to break it to him. i kept telling him that hell find someone, and his response every time was �ill never find someone as good as you�. i resent that so much, i cant stand to have him think that im the best there is, and i tried to explain to him that he will find someone better than me, because that girl will share the feeling. lately morgan and i have been really cuddly and stuff, he sits with me and holds me and it just feels�.right. ive recently discovered after telling everyone that i don�t want to hook up with him that i may actually want to, but zack would be absolutely crushed. part of what ive learned about myself this summer is that im a really big flirt, and as soon as i began to flirt with morgan, zack took me aside and asked me if i wanted to hook up with him, which at that particular point in time, i didn�t�so i told him no. he then followed that with �good, because if u hooked up with morgan i would kill myself.� to turn him down and then go hook up with zacks best friend�that would be cold. but im also feeling like this is important to me, sort of a unique situation, because another thing ive learned this summer about myself is that i chase after people, trying so hard and busting my butt to make them like me. in this particular case with morgan, i don�t have to try because hes already stated that he likes me. ive tried to weigh this out, and heres what it boils down to: if i don�t hook up with morgan, i feel like ill regret it. its so different out here than it is at home. i feel like if i pass up one of the few opportunities that ill have to hook up with someone for the year, ill regret it later. people barely hook up at home, out here i can and i figure that if i don�t, ill feel stupid for not doing it during the school year when im feeling down and pathetic for having no one. i try to keep in mind [[no regrets]] but as nick asked me: which would you regret more, not hooking up with morgan, or being the reason for zack�s suicide? what to do, what to do. as weird as this is, morgan knows about the situation--word travels fast on a island this small�and he and i talked about it tonight. it seems to me that hes less conscious of the fact that zack�s heart would be absolutely pulverized if something were to happen, and hes more concerned about his own situation. he asked me who im gunna hook up with, and i told him that it wasn�t zack, i cant have that relationship with zack, it just wont happen. i hate seeing people I love hurt, but more than that, i hate being the cause of their pain. So heres the question: do i suffer to shield someone else from anguish, or do i put myself in front for once and do what feels right to me?
________________________________________________________________________
PART 2
i had heard from everyone, what they all thought i should do. i had heard from everyone about zack's mental state, and everyone was telling me different things. i knew what the deciding factor was going to be: a conversation with zack. i was kind of debating doing it, he looked so sad, i didnt want to worsen (word?) it, but i decided that thats what i needed to do. with a little push from morgan, nick and victoria, i was able to dig up enough courage within myself to talk to him. he knew right away why i was there, and all he had to say was: do what makes you happy. it was so mature of him. i told him that i was hesitant to do it though, because what makes me happy makes him sad, and i hate seeing him sad. he told me to do it, because he told me that he wanted to see me happy, and if being with morgan made me happy, then thats what he wanted to see me do. despite the fact that it was hard for him to see victoria and nick all over eachother, and now morgan and i, he wanted me to do it, because even though it was me and someone else, he would see me smiling. it was such a mature gesture, and i will never forget him for that. zack you truly are an inspiration to me---being able to put people u love before yourself is a very admirable quality, dont ever change, you're perfect the way you are. i made u one promise and i will keep it, i swear: "be happy....just please be happy."

and so ends my tale. although nothing has happened up to this point but kisses, another hook up is on the way. im happy about it, i really like morgan----theres just something about him. every summer for the past 2 years, now this one, and that one year when i was like 8 or something. finally, i won him over, and i didnt have to try this summer, he liked me before i liked him :)
ill keep u updated on the boy front.

i spoke to my steffibear the other day. god do i miss that girl. tonights potluck dessert. im goin to dinner with nick and maybe some of my other friends first. my group has to sing a song about camp, its really retarded. (to the tune of roses: i know u might think that the 7s stink but we're stupendous campers at obyg oh oh oh, our counselors are so coo-oo-ool!) then babysitting :( ugh i hate that
thats it for now, gotta go shower and get ready for tonight.

xo*danielle morgan*ox

:: 2004 5 August :: 5.19pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Los Lonely Boys--Heaven

YES... I got a Ricky Williams jersey--you go smoke that marijuana you stud!
blahblahblahblah...

Once again I feel like I should update...

Yeah so the village DID suck. I was really dissapointed. It was a great idea but it wasn't really thrived on that well. And the "scary" parts were a joke--I was like laughing, parts of it were actually so ridiculously stupid.

Things are getting better. I had the day off today because my boss said it was "going to be a monsoon." It rained for like 10 mins, oh well. It was so funny, yesterday it was this boy's (see prev. post) birthday and my boss who is just old and nuts and just crazy was like 'So it's ya birthday robbie, gabi's gonna give ya a big kiss.' It was really funny and totally random.

Anyway, things are getting better and I'm having fun--I just miss people and I hope all my visits work out.

I totally refuse to watch TV for the next 2 weeks--ENOUGH with the back to school commercials it's still summer...It depresses the crap out of me. But I'm really not TOTALLY dreading school actually.

and i have a birthday coming up--and this year there's things i actually want--yum. can't wait.

ergh, ashlee you are SO not punk simpson screw you and your stupid #1 album. you suck.

big kissss<33

:: 2004 1 August :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: weird

Just Got Paid...Fri---Sunday Night :)
Blah, I knew this day would come. I haven't updated in a while, and I just have to update even though I don't really want to. I just have to. Blah.

Where did I leave off? Edgemont? Okay, yeah so I'm here upstate for good. It's been a little slow but I think it's gonna be fun. I've been hanging out with Meredith a lot so that's been cool. I guess it's just hard to break into your second home...I still feel like I'm staying in someone's house. But I'm really excited for friends and family to come up. REALLY excited for things to fall into place.

Then there's work...I work at this stand at the race track selling famous horse photos--sounds horrible but it's not bad--I do a lot of people watching, people come and talk to me when it's slow, and it's very fun when I get sales and get to be all professional. The people I work with are great too. My weekends are a little distorted though, Monday and Tuesday. It's fine but I think I'll love it when it's super busy. I hope so at least.

Plus, my handicapping skills are SICK...I've been winning so many bets and I give tips to customers and then if they're right they have to come back and buy something.

Have I mentioned how much I MISS everyone. It's insane. I need my stellars. I hope people can come visit :-/ ...every once in a while I'm just like "WAIT, why am I so EMPTY-feeling?" It's like a part of me is incomplete :(

How about them Yankees, eh? Adios Jose...and adios Nomah--ha.

I can't really get this lump (metaphorical lol) off of my back...it's like I'm scared to have fun and that I'm not gonna have fun. There's just a lot of things I hope to be able to do and I hope work out. I also miss my tiny jockey friend Rudy...he's so cute/cool. I need to hang out with him more--even though he's like 30 lol. And I think I may be babysitting John Velasquez's kids...that's like kind of a scary responsibility :?)

Bottom Line: It's like I have it all planned in my mind of how i want this trip to work out. I hope it does. I hope it effing does.

Blah, I'm so confused about soccer...It starts so fucking early and I'd miss like at least 2 weeks of preseason and I just don't knoooow. Eeeeeks. And I hate the fact that I have to make a decision.

Tomorrow drive-in to see The Village (even though it sucks, Cheriii)... I think that will help tame the "lump."

Oh, and I think I've acheived the impossible--I've met a really NICE guy...his dad's a jockey--muy cool.

Well, I hope everyone's having fun...miss you all.

anddddddd i'm off...xo

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:: 2004 26 July :: 7.33pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: father of mine- everclear

okay, so steve still works at swimming....
....but hes now forbidden to come to fire island for any other reason but work. two nights ago he stupidly got smashed like ive never seen anyone get smashed before, forgetting the fact that he was taking the ferry back to bayshore where he was to be picked up by his mother. i swear to god he was the most messed up ive ever seen anyone before, he could barely walk, he couldnt keep his eyes open, and when he had to pee, he would just whip it out right then and there and go on the community house. a brilliant moment for those of us who were there. i walked him to the ferry at 10:50, along the way stumbling on top of multiple parked bikes while trying to walk the straight line of the sidewalk. he got on the ferry, went to the other side, and sure enough his mom figured out that he was drunk. he now owes me $5 because he bet me that he wouldnt get caught...he refuses to pay because he "doesnt remember" the bet (if i were that messed up that night god knows i wouldnt either). his punishment: no more fire island for the rest of the summer except for work and then thats it (keep in mind, steves a commuter, he comes on the ferry every morning from babylon).

so heres where i come in. after lauren finally broke it to him that shed rather be with cash and i finally figured out that i actually do like him, its pointless because he cant come out anymore. to tell him or not to tell him, thats what im contemplating. this wouldnt even be a question had i not promised him i would tell him when i sorted my feelings out as well as the fact that a small part of me wants him to know. if i tell him and he likes me, hell feel crappy that he cant do anything about it because hes not here. but if i dont tell him and his mom lets up and lets him come out sometimes and he doesnt know how i feel, then its hopeless. help me, i need to know what to do.

in other news, taylor and alec are supposed to come out and visit me soon. that should be interesting, i believe thursday is the date. i heard from steph the other day---god i miss that girl. as her camp friends tell her everyday, shes so lucky to have a single best friend like me who she can actually rely on for everything. im so greatful for having her, i miss her and want her to come home so i can see her again. i really wish she could meet mike and steve, and my other friends out here. hm. also, ive found a really awesome friend in someone i recently became close with this year, his name is nick and hes come to be like a brother to me. i love that kid to pieces, i really, really do. he helps me with my problems, i help him with his, we can be ourselves around eachother, and i love "rockin out" with him on the beach. its friendships with people like him that make me miss fire island so much when im at home, and make me frustrated with edgemont all the time. the majority of my friends out here are boys- that could NEVER happen at home. i love it, its good to have variety. f.i. girls and guys i love u all to death, ur the reason i live 10 months for only 2.

thats all for now, if u have some advice on the steve thing, please dont hesitate to comment, i need all the advice i can get.

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:: 2004 24 July :: 3.29pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: what i got- sublime

okay, so his name is steve....
....he works at swimming, which my group has every day. he liked my friend lauren, lauren likes this other kid cash, its a big mess, but i wont get into that for the sake of the reader's confusion and for the privacy of the above people. its funny though, hes the opposite of what i go for, a blonde haired blue eyed boy, but ugh hes so cute. he lives in babylon and he, like mike, is 16. its also funny that our friendship started because he was hung up on lauren, and i happened to be a mutual friend who was willing to listen and help out, and thats when i started to contemplate the idea of liking him. just hearing him talk about lauren and his concerns about being attached and stuff, ugh it reminded me of myself so much. so now i think im developing a crush. i always think its so weird how at home, i can go 10 months without liking one single person, but as soon as i get out here, there are so many options, and i always seem to try and take advantage of one. ive already gotten my kiss...now i want someone to share many kisses with, and it seems like steve may want that same thing. he found out from someone that i may like him and he asked me about it. i told him that i was trying to figure it out, but that i would tell him when i did. oh god, this could be interesting.

boys make life so complicated.

:: 2004 22 July :: 3.42pm
:: Mood: good

Raining in Scarsdale?
Beginning of Yankee Game:

Michael Kay: Well we're getting this weather report that its raining in Westchester, but really only in Scarsdale. That's very interesting.
Ken Singleton: Well...It's a good thing we don't play Yankee games in Scarsdale. It'd probably be pretty expensive to build a stadium there anyway.

haha. good god. yeah so it seems like its only raining here (or it was)..kind of strange.

Anyway, yesterday I went to work with my dad. It was great fun even though I had to work. I love going to his office and having everyone suck up to me because they know I can be their boss one day. It's kind of scary though. I'm not used to so many people being so nice to me. I got $100 and a Coach wallet, ha. I went to Coney Island too for "lunch break" and I went on the Cyclone, it was so fun. But really scary because it's so old and i thought i was going to die.

I talked to Kate and Stacey...I can't believe it's been a month since everyone left. It makes me sick to think how FAST this is going by. And I had a conversation with my mom last week and she was like asking me out of all my friends..."who's the most---"who's the least likely to do---" It was a fun conversation and it helped me clarify many things. And it's not like I think "God why are they like that?" I embrace their flaws because I know I have plenty of my own. It makes you unique. And I think finding what you don't do too well in yourself and other people helps you work to a better friendship and teaches you how to react to things and what to avoid and how to say things. It also helps you realize what you love so much about them. It's certainly worked for me. The conversation also made me sad because I miss so many people.

I'm off to Saratoga either tomorrow or the next day...Excited to start the second half of my summer.

Okay well I gotsta go...great Yankee game on.

Big Kiss~GG