Gah, I'm done with my paper! Finally! And it sucks too! Oh well...

I haven't updated in awhile...Tuesday, went and had a good time at the Spaghetti dinner, even though I only had 3 breadsticks...woe is me...hung out with Carmen, made her listen to Chemical Calistenics, a great rap song (to me at least, but she dislikes rap)...Wednesday I went to the choir concert and worked on my paper a tad during it...Carmen had a lot of fun there, much more than I did...that's not saying I didn't have fun, but I could have had more...Sitting at the top caused it to be a bit less fun...cause of my fear of heights, showing that I'm a weak scaredy-cat...oh well, Carmen and I went to Wendy's afterwards, and then drove around and looked at lights...I always have such a good time with her...it makes me really happy...Today, my mp3 player came, but I wasn't able to open it because it is a Christmas present...my aunt might get mad at my mother, and we don't want that, so I'm going to pass it by my aunt first...but it sure does look cool...I went shopping with Carmen today, after work, and it was good...she thinks that she did good on her auditions for Working...hopefully she gets a part...this paper has sucked, so thats about all I can think about, really...

*sigh*

Quote of the day:
"He didn't think yesterday of the end of his life"

Hmm...That song right there is a quite good Symphonic Black/Thrash Metal song...instrumental...yeah...today wasn't too bad...Chem test was alright...should have studied more, but I believe I didn't fail it...the rest of school was just complete blah...seeing the Triangle isn't blah though...makes my day a bit better...I was up a bit late last night, well, this morning...Britt wants me asleep by 1 tonight, I wonder if that will happen...don't want to disappoint her now, do I? I still need to go shopping for everybody but my sister and Daniel...I've got an idea for Britt now, but none for Sara, and a few for Carmen...my mother and father on the other hand...hmm...Carmen came and visited me at work tonight, was pretty cool...she also came by my house and we watched episode 3 of Excel Saga...just gets more crazy...poor Pedro...

Quote of the day:
"Once undone, there is only smoke
Burning in my eyes to blind
To cover up what really happened
Force the darkness unto me"

Well, joy! I ordered my mp3 player today, for $70 less than the retail price...makes me happy...now I don't have to spend much on it...only $7...should be here Wednesday, so I can start loading it up for our trip a week from then...I'm getting excited...

Friday, I had dinner for my mom's birthday, Carmen came along, as did Lori...Uncle Matt met us at Karabbas, and we had quite a good dinner...after that, Carmen and I went Christmas shopping...came home, had cake...yeah...went to bed early...

Satuday, Tuba Christmas! It was amazing! I'm glad Carmen thought about inviting me to come along...The car trip was "amazing," well, more like interesting...Fintel is quite an interesting, jittery driver...and we had quite a few stupid qoutes...look in Carmen's journall for all of them...it turned out to be a 12 our trip...after that, I went to the dumb french dinner, which was mega suck...had somewhat of a good time fucking around with Ian, Coomes, and Amanda...Kara and Lauren pissed me off a bit, because they were making fun of Jeffois, about his sexuality being a bit iffy...I was about to get up and kick both their asses for that one...not like it would matter if he were gay, still would be the same cool Jeffois...Picked up a pep band shirt sometime during the french dinner, and it was Mrs. Kramer's, and she had been wearing perfume with it...her perfume is the same as Jenny's, which kind of made me cry...I miss my sister a lot...I wish she'd become a part of this family again...having her here on christmas eve just like old times, that'd be so great...dammit, I'm crying right now...After that, Coomes and I went to pep band...Met up with Carmen there...hockey won (boo! full of complete cuntholes and dickwads) and then, we just hung out for the rest of the night...

Sunday morning, I got up for church...turned on the computer and found out that they found Saddam...quite a good deal, and hopefully it makes Bush's approval rating go down even further (go figure)...came home, ate some donuts, and then talked to Carmen for a tad...went to work, found a big tin of popcorn (yay!) and bored myself to death...death would have been more fun than work, and I wouldn't think unhappy thoughts...oh well, I went home after having a few pieces of pie, and then went to McSuck to visit Carmen...they were really busy right when I got there, so I didn't really get to talk with her...it died down, and we talked for a bit...she left, and I left...I went home for a while, and then went to Carmen's to decorate the tree...had a good time at that...looked on the internet for stuff concerning Golden, Colorado, Carmen's old habitat...quite a nice town, if I do say so myself...Grayling still tops my list though...oh well...after spending quite a couple hours with her, and regrettably not telling her what was on my mind (I'm sorry Carmen, I really should have told you when you asked...I'm a fucking retard, I know you care about me and how I'm feeling and I really shouldn't take that for granted...I need to tell you stuff when you ask...I'm sorry) I came home...sat down, and started typig this...while I was typing this, Jess got online...makes me happy that she still remembers me, it's been about two months since I last talked to her...she wishes that she wasn't a senior this year, so that she could come back to Wooster this upcoming summer...she's going to come and visit us anyways (us being any of the guys that went last year) which will be cool...she's a fun girl...but yeah, being remembered is quite cool...

Off to darkness...

Quote of the day:
"I'm proud to be a communist
Where at least I think I'm free
And I won't forget the reds that died
To give this right to me
And I gladly stand up next to you
behind this iron wall
'Cause they're ain't no doubt I hate your land
God Damn the U.S.A."

*Yawn* Today sucked, I had a math quiz I didn't know about, and I believe I sucked it up...the CD I bought last night really blows, makes me want to cry...at least it was only 13 dollars...tomorrow, my mother is going to take my car into the shop for the fixation of my window, a whopping $235...*cries*...work was super boring...had a fucking big cart to verify right away, which ended up in me finding a really old/dumb/should be shot Ronald McDonald video...ate lunch with Carmen today, always a good time...as is spending quality time with Carmen, but this week I've had none...makes me sad...at least I'm ungrounded tomorrow, and she's coming to dinner with us...and then we'll catch Bad Santa...and then we'll eventually go to Tuba Christmas, which will be a great time....I really looking forward to it...

My mp3 woes are subsiding, as I found a 60gb (OVERKILL!) one by creative labs which is supossedly as good as if not better than the mac iPod...I'm excited now...hopefully we'll order it tomorrow, and it'll be here by Christmas, or even before hand so I can load it up in time for my trip south...I was up till 2-ish last night doing my damned french homework, with Carmen helping me out on it, which was fun...atleast I've been able to talk to her a lot this week...otherwise I might go insane...or succumb to these dark thoughts...yeah...so, now I'm off to bed, or something of that sort...yeah...sorry for the randomness of this entry...yeah...James bought a new santa for us, cause he and alex broke the other one...I'm working on sunday, becasue I'm not working tomorrow or Saturday...french dinner is going to not be fun, and I'm regretting signing up for it...pep band eventually after that, I'll be late, but not really fucking late...more Carmen time for me, hopefully...maybe this is a joyous reprise for her, letting her get caught up on stuff...but no, she'd yell at me for thinking that, or this, or whatnot, but yeah, I just typed this, so she will get after me anyway...I know that's not how she really feels, and I should stop saying stuff like that, because it probably hurts her in some way, and for that I am EXTREmELY sorry, which would lead to the fact of why I just typed that...who knows? Although not typing it wouldn't change the fact that I still thought it, and I regret thinking it, I wish I'd not have all these depressing thoughts, hurtful to me and to others...I've never really realized that it could hurt others, but Carmen brought that to my attention, and so here I am, going to apologize to anyone I've hurt in this manner: Sorry I've hurt you with these thoughts I have, be it recently or years ago...please forgive me...Why am I just blithering on? Do you know the muffin man? Having a cell phone is fun, allows me to call me, although some people don't like me calling them apparently...french test tomorrow, to book to study with though, oh WELL...I'll fucking delete that class if it is the last thing I do...my eyes aren't working, making everything kind of swirl around right now, or something like that, nothing is standing still, its all so far away...maybe this is a sign?

Quote of the day:
"we're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
and the machine is bleeding to death"

*Yawn* I'm so bored...being grounded sucks...school was boring, museum was fun, riding next to Britt and sleeping...making fun of the fact that Brian can't keep his hands off of Megan, and it seems that Daniel can't either...haha...quite funny actually...I went to work, was bored, except for Carmen's visit early on...I wasn't able to go visit her at work as I'm grounded and probably shouldn't do that...she is coming to dinner with my family on Friday, and it is my mother's birthday dinner too...that should be great...we're going to try and catch Bad Santa later friday night, which should also be fun...

Argh, this whole me wanting an iPod for Christmas seems to be giving me a whole lot of problems...it is causing me a lot of stress...*sighs* I want to go to sleep for a long time, a very long time, and have all of this situated when I wake up...but THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! AND NOW I'M FUCKING DEPRESSED! OVER A FUCKING MATERIAL OBJECT! GOD DAMMIT!

And I just know that now, since this is going wrong, everything else is going to rockslide on me and I'm going to become extremely fucking depressed...and I'm still fucking grounded, which is adding to my stress and depression...

Quote of the day:
"Grant me sleep, take me under
Like the wings of a dove, folding around
I fade into this tender care"

*Yawns* Greetings from sleep induced body aches...I should find another way to sleep, so I wouldn't wake up with my arms aching...it was a nice, short, revitalizing nap...and it was caused out of habit, as I usually go right to sleep after talking to Carmen on the phone...heh, not that she makes me tired or anything...just how it usually works, so my body was tricked or something...

School was kind of "blah" today...no Carmen in the beginning of school, she was/is ill and didn't come in until 3rd period...didn't see her after lunch either...hmm...played a game again in Chemistry, recieved extra credit points...good time...still it is that I suck at throwing clay...I will forever suck it up...in AS, we finished Of Mice and Men, which is rather depressing...a few parts made me cry...I agree with Carmen, John Malkovich is quite a good actor...Oh, and so is Gary Sinise...I went to work after school, after picking up my car and hearing the dread news that it will cost $235 to fix my window that malfunctioned...I'm running out of things to do at work, people need to check out more books...and yes, I know I complain when I have a lot of books and now I'm complaining when I don't have many...there are still I Can Reads and Children Fiction, both of which are bothers to shelve...bah! Falex and Eric stopped by, picked up two of my ELP albums...Talked with Joe Miller for quite a while...interesting on the amount of different people who feel they should talk to me...maybe I've just been a fucker and complained all this time, feeling sorry for myself when I shouldn't have been at all...eh, I dunno...

...Anywho, I came home, had waffles for dinner, played a bit of Game Boy, and then called Carmen...we talked for a while, she ended up ending it so we could get other things done, but I go and fall asleep...hmm...and here we are! I'm currently typing and listening to my parents bicker with my sister...it's so lovely...actually, not at all...bah...*yawns, wipes away a few tears...*

Quote of the day:
"Speak to me now and the world will crumble
Open a door and the moon will fall
All of your life, all your memories
Go to your dreams, forget it all

Sleep my child"

Well, first full day of grounding...not too bad, didn't spend much time at home...school was kind of band, I was feeling down and depressed, and well, since it's school, I can't really call Carmen and talk to her right away, so I wrote her a note...it helped to write that note...In art, we are throwing, and well, I'm complete shit at it...it sucks a lot...and I get frustrated easily, so I was about to lash out at someone...Sara and I (well, mainly me) got 10 extra credit points in Chemistry today, because we're (I'm) sweet...yeay...

Work, same as always...perhaps the only place where I'll get my neccesary injection of Carmen time...it is useful for more than getting my a paycheck after all...thank you Carmen for visiiting me...

I came home after work to a dinner of Macaroni and Cheese, alcoholic pineapple, and crescent rolls...yeah...fun...played gameboy for awhile, got ready to practice bassoon, but got distracted...ended up going to Meijer with my father...the Doug Squared equation was complete, as I ran into Esther and Doug there...they were detached from Carmen, who was there also...lucky me, eh? *smirks* Turns out Doug isn't able to come to the Tuba Christmas on Saturday, which is a bummer...ran into Carmen on my way out...got gas, 8.5 gallons for $10.20...came home, and here I am!

Quote of the day:
"I'll make love to you
in all good places
under black mountains
in open spaces.
By deep brown rivers
that slither darkly
through far marches
where the blue hare races"

Hmm...Friday, I had school, just like any other day...at the end, I had my audition for District Honors band...I believe I did well, although I don't really feel like waiting a whole month for my results...too long to wait...bah...hmm, and then after school, I hung around with Carmen...went out and bought Mario Kart Double Dash (which kicks ass by the way...) She had plans, so she didn't come to pep band...I got Ian to come to the game, so we fucked around at the game...boys won, who cares...basketball is really worthless, just a bunch of dicks running around on a wooden floor playing with their balls...after the game, went over to Megans to hang out...was pretty fun, although not many people really wanted to play "Battle of the Sexes"...afterwards, on the way back to my house, James and Joshie had a "fender bender" that resulted in the consumption of most of my night...after that, I went over to Carmen's to talk...ended up staying a bit late, resulting in the grounding of me until Friday the 12th...

Saturday, I woke up at 8 oclock, to argue with my parents, causing me to be 20 minutes late to work, 9:20...wasn't very productive at work, just talked about Jamaican's and their weed with Janet...after work, I sat in the parking lot and talked wtih Carmen...then I went and picked Coomes up, to hang out for the day and night...we played a ton of Mario Kart, almost to the point of completion...Also played Leech Hunter, part of RE0...very fun...we went and visited Carmen at work, got him some food, and then ventured up to Best Buy, where we bought some really crazy anime...quite a good time also, except for the fucking long line...called Britt several times, she told me not to die...which I didn't, and then we went over to the Devers upon our return to B.G. Crashed their game of Monopoly Junior, and then partially buried her sign in her front yard...good times...went home, caught Brian and Daniel at their house, and banged on the window...yeah...Carmen came over soon after that, and then we sampled the crazy anime selection...2 Excel Saga episodes, 1 Lupin III episode, 1 Heat Guy J episode, and 2 Haunted Junction episodes...Heat Guy J was just cool, not crazy, but the other three, oh man! Carmen left at 12:30 (supossedly 30 minutes later than the should have stayed)...Coomes and I played more Mario Kart, almost ad naseum (hehe, I love Mrs. Dunn)...Was up till 2:30, barely able to keep our eyes open, and unfortunately missed Carmen's call...sorry hun...

Woke up around 8:45, went down and had breakfast...got into another arguement with my mother...Carmen believes I need to choose my battles, and to not say what is on my mind at the current time...went to church with Carmen and Coomes and my mother and sister...apparently I don't pay attention to the sermon...afterwards, took Coomes home, and then Carmen home...went out, and got donuts...came home, got whupped at Euchre, and then just loafed around...not a very productive day, although I did come to a conclusion about something...something I've been noticing...more on that later, though...I finally cleaned out my rat cage, which heavily needed it...Ishmael needs a bath, bad, so I will give him one this week, as it is FREE *cries*...didn't go up to T-Town to get my i-Pod, because the coupon we had excluded the i-pod...more money for me to spend...bah...took a nap tonight, an hour or so...had a meager dinner, leaving me hungry (of which I still am)...I usually eat when I'm bored, but apparently not anymore...yeah...'

So what I realized is that it's not good for me to be alone...it's not the loneliness alone (AHAH, pun not intended) that causes this, but yeah...I need to be around people to keep my thoughts pleasent...at work, when I'm all alone, my brain wanders, to very dark thoughts, leaving me extremely depressed...as they did today...only God knows what this week is going to bring...and this is bad, because I shouldn't need to depend on people for my sanity and happiness, but apparently I do...not too good if you ask me...

I'm probably going to go Christmas shopping this week...I really hate Christmas shopping...I do...not because of the money, but because of the thinking involved...I never know what to get people, and whatever I get them seems so trite, it doesn't feel like it's worthy...I feel ashamed when I do this...

Quote of the day:
"Why am I crying, I want to know.
How can I smile and make it right?
For sixty days and eighty nights
and not give in and lose the fight.

I'm going back to the ones that I know,
with whom I can be what I want to be.
Just one week for the feeling to go
and with you there to help me
then it probably will."

Well, today, I had work, and I found chocolate there...I think it was from Janet, cause she went down to the Carribean over break...work kinda sucks, I need to be able to listen to music...I'm going to go insane...My mind wanders to horrible regions while I work, and it leaves me feeling depressed and suicidal...but, I know well enough not to act upon these emotions, as they are only caused by me...I do wish I could listen to music though, it'd make work so much better...Carmen stopped by at the end of my working time period, made my day really nice...thank you Carmen, so much, more than you'll ever know...went home, ate dinner (which is acting up right now), and then called Carmen...we went out and rented American Beauty, quite a good movie...depressing, but good...had a good time with Carmen watching it...yes, I did...good night, wish me luck on my audition tomorrow...I'll need it...

Quote of the day:
"Here on the inside,
outside 's so far away"

It's Wednesday...I would've updated yesterday, but I didn't have much time...I had a massive headache yesterday, and it didn't help when I went into art to work, only to find a non-existant Laabs...argh, my arduous project has become even more arduous...*Sighs* if only grades didn't matter to me, if only I didn't care anymore, then perhaps it'd be better...went to work right after that...Carmen and Joshie visited me at work, and that was fun, as they are always a joy to have...Gave Carmen a coupon so she could buy me dinner, which she did, which was nice...didn't have a starving Doug throughout pep band...Pep Band was fun, even though the girls lost, we cheered Liz(z) on in our own special way...Carmen was worrying me a great deal, saying she was shakey and all...got home late, and ate a pear around midnight...the pear ended up giving me the shits...wasn't fun...I was up till 3 or so with them...bah...

Wednesday, ahh, a new day...a day where I didn't sleep during 6th period...a day where I visited Carmen at work, and hopefully made her happy...a day where I was ahead at work, even though I missed a day...a day where I got my toenails painted...a day where I practiced bassoon for Honor Band auditions...a day where I failed making a whistle again...a day where I realize that my laidback, easy, boring job truly does suck...a day where I got my math test back, a 74/76...a day where I posted in my RPG finally...a day where I realized that this lovely RPG is going to pot...a day where I realized I'm extremely redundant...

Quote of the day:
"And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin'
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright
And I'm shaking so much, really yearning "

Well, it's Monday night, and I'm ill...I knew I was ill at school today, but didn't really do anything about it...I came home, and took my temp, it was 100 degrees (it's normalnow)...I feel into a deep sleep from 4:45-7:15, where the first thing I hear when I awake is Carmen's voice...lovely, ain't it? Thanks a lot Carmen...Sunday, I finished my Idea Quote list... Saturday, I hung out with Carmen a bunch, watched Bruce Almighty...Worked in the morning...Friday, I hung out with Britt all day (she visited me at work, went to dinner with her, watched the Paris video with her...), went on saw Gothika with the girls, had a good time at Piso's afterwards...Thursday, well...yeah...

I'm off to bed again...

Quote of the day:
"this is all a dream
a dream in death"

Friday night, I hung out with Carmen hardcore...Ran erronds after I worked on art...got a new gas cap for her, copied our lovely tuba picture...and went to Uraku for a truly lovely time, with Joshie also...haven't spent too much time with Joshie recently, which sucks...but dinner was fun, although he wasn't allowed to come to the play...play was alright, not the best I've seen, but definitely not the worst...yeah...watched Princess Mononoke with Carmen...

Saturday, went to the freakin' parade, which sucked major balls and cunt...too long, too boring, only played two songs...bah, damn the Headley turtle abomination...getting all situated was quite an adventure...Carting a unprepared James around 10 minutes before band was enjoyable, but nerve racking...after the parade, hung out with Carmen...Got my first oil change ever...*sigh, wipes tear*...they grow up so fast, don't they? I'm a dork, so shoot me...bought and watched Snatch with Carmen...

Sunday, I worked 1-5, and read a lot of Grapes...I got about 160 pages read, which was good...tried to help Loudan out, but wasn't successful...went over to Carmen's, and finally was able to get a walk in there...and it was so nice, the walk, so heavenly, the weather was great, much better than the lonely depressing one I had earlier that week...went home, and read more Grapes...

Monday, SO FUCKING COLD AND WINDY AND FUCKING COLD...no Carmen today, at school, made me sad, the "girl triangle" was not complete...I wonder if I could survive if not a single point of that triangle were at school...*dreads the thought*...didn't really work on art, cause I kept missing Mrs. Laabs, which is gonna bite me in the ass...yeah...hung with Carmen for awhile...Britt, James, and that Dever child stopped by at the library for a quick chat...yeah...well, now it's time to retire to my ELECTRIC BLANKET...HELL YEAH, NOTHING (almost that is) COMPARES TO AN ELECTRIC BLANKET TO SLEEP WITH...

Quote of the day:
"This is the day of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers, wild gamblers
That's all in the past"