shiznit05
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2003 15 September :: 7.48pm
:: Mood: better
ive been feeling a lot better today than what i have been the past few days, i dont really know what my problem was, i was just in a downward spiral, but its ok im better
jackie told me that the band is planning another concentration camp weekend again, idk i think it'll be fun, looking back i really enjoyed last years, it was hard during it, but it was fun so im ready for another one, i just wish i knew where i sat, like orderwise...oh well, i just have to wait a little longer, probably the end of the month
i got my school pictures today, and oddly enough i actually like them, my hair is an odd color red, but i think its from being out in the sun for 2 weeks of bandcamp so idk, its cool though, everyone says they look good, so i guess so
douggie takes his drivers test tomorrow...hes all nervous, but its good to be nervous, going in cocky is not smart, so i hope he does ok, i'll keep my fingers crossed for him
im so excited abby and i are gonna make cookies for bob...bob gets a whole batch of cookies, metcalf gets one cookie, ian gets one cookie, and barger gets one cookie, bob gets more because bob is amazing and he got hurt at last weeks football game, so yea, it'll be fun
hmm...i wonder if i should ask to wear a jersey again this week...
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 14 September :: 12.26pm
:: Mood: horrible
ugh, im such a horrible person! i feel so bad! i blew up at ian last night for no reason, i was in a shitty mood and i took it out on him, and i feel horrible about it, i shouldnt have gone off on him, and i hope he realizes i wasnt trying to be mean i was just letting out some crap ive been bottling up since track season, and it really does feel better now that ive vented but i shouldnt have been mean about it...im sorry...:'(
on a better note, we got our rankings for clarinets thursday after school...i know its werid, one day after we auditioned, last year we waited like a week, but im ranked 4th clarinet which i a relief, im hoping for a second clarinet position but we'll just have to wait and see...
nothing else really big has happened...we lost to northview friday night and saturday morning, and no to avail did i find andy nicholas...but theres always track season right? hopefully he didnt graduate last year...
baldwin thinks im mean and i hate people. i dont hate people, and the fact that people think i hate people bothers me, i dont hate people, i dont try to be mean, if i am im sorry but its just me, i dont mean any harm, idk, i just wish life was simple again...i liked it when boys still had cooties
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 11 September :: 8.00am
:: Mood: yay
yet another 2 hour delay, i could really get used to this.
yesterday was my audition for symph, i did really well on the scales, the chromatic and the required pieces, but man sight reading was sooo horrible!! i did so badly, normally im ok with sight reading, but once you give me a piece with 4 sharps and a tempo only God can create im screwed, but i still think i did ok, im think symph, i just dont know where i'll be seated, im nervous, and now all i can do is wait and its a pain in the neck. it'll probably be a week or so before they post anything and i want to know now! lol
today after school a few of us are staying after to go through all the homecoming decorations, that'll be fun, it'll be like christmas so im excited, even though im not going (unless someone asks me, which that wont happen) but decorating will be fun.
i guess thats all, i should probably start getting ready for school!
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 10 September :: 8.38am
:: Mood: ugh
why do i always feel like such a burden, i hate spilling my problems to other people, but i know if i dont im going to implode and go crazy. i always feel like a burden though, because my problems are always about the same thing, maybe not exactly the same thing, but pretty close, and i cant vent to who i used to because for some reason lately i just cant, i feel stupid, and i feel like he wouldnt understand and i also feel that he doesnt care, i think thats where i get the burden thing from, idk, so right now im just going to apologize to veryone ive ever vented to because i can only imagine how annoying it can me, so im sorry
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 9 September :: 9.42pm
It's like the worst break up ever and we never really had a commitment, and it hurts, and i miss him
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 8 September :: 5.06pm
:: Mood: im ok
im in a pretty good mood actually, today wasnt horrible, we got a yearbooks, the best picture ever in there is one of mandy and shes walking holding her trumpet while we were at the concentration camp and ian is behind her and the caption says...."Amanda Clink triumphantly carries her trumpet as Ian Dunn walks in confusion" or something like that, idk it was great, i laughed so hard, and i was by myself, so had someone seen me they would have thought i was crazy. oh well
so does anyone else feel completely lost in American Studies? just wondering because i do. anyway im out
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 6 September :: 5.42pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: AAR
ugh, ever been in one of those moods where you are just pissed off at the world? yea im there. i think i need an ian hug. little things today have just been pissing me off and they really shouldnt be, people are being stupid, everyone knows they're being stupid and nothing is being done about it, its like ugh!! i hate you and your stupidness....grrr
The guys lost last night to napoleon, they started playing well, then it all went down hill, but its ok, there's always next time, i have seen the football guys today, i kinda miss 'em, actually i know what i really miss, but id rather not discuss it, its better that i leave this one bottled up, nothing can help this situation.
went to black swamp today, i was supposed to be a bouncer and they said they didnt need me so josh sara and i went to the library to see doug work and stuff, it was interesting, then we just walked around, it was me megs sara stevie tool jackie nick and goph, this is where all the stupidness happened and ugh its stupid, tonight it a movie night at tool's i think im going, havent fully convinced myself, i think ive had enough stupidness for the day, but really, whats a little more? i guess thats it
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 2 September :: 4.40pm
:: Mood: wow
wow...times change so much
im starting to think my uncle was my rock, ever since he died my life has just been odd, its been such a rollercoaster, so many feelings just coming at me, i cant even understand me half the time.
i mean think about it, my uncle died at the end of july, since then, ive lost what i thought was a really good friend of mine - i mean we never see each other anymore, we never talk, word has it he hates me, but i dont know why and that hurts, but its ok, ive been hanging out with different people lately, i spent a whole day with jackie and i've never done that before, so she and i are closer now, i've played some pretty weird truth or dare games so ive learned more than ive ever wanted to and given out far more then i ever wanted to, im becoming friends with this new guy, hes pretty cool, always fun to be around someone new, ive cared about people more so than i ever have, i mean i was genuinely worried about ian when he was so exhausted after the game, i was scared to let him go off my himself, i ask people more often how they feel, who cares about me i want to know about them, and i never really used to be like that, idk, the last few months have been odd, the one guy i thought i would never get over, im over, i just wish we could be friends because hes a cool guy and i would like to just talk to him again, we used to have the best conversations, and before my uncle died guys consumed my thoughts, i used to always think whats wrong with me, am i so ugly that guys cant like me, is it physically impossible, am i that horrible, now ive come tothe realization, i dont need a boyfriend, i have friends, i have guy friends, im happy and nothing can change that, and right now life is good, so no one go around messing with that ok?
3 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 27 August :: 3.34pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: everything
weee
school has started, and so far, its not so bad, my classes are great, teachers dont seem to be too terrible and im with friends most of the day. i start out with band, which is great because my squad is amazing, plus we actually do stuff and it wakes me up so once band is over im actually energized to continue on with the rest of the day which is cool, plus rumor has it sit down is gonna begin really early this year, and sit down is what i really enjoy about band so im excited, even though im gonna have to start preparing a lot earlier, like now, im not too worried about it. then i go to honors pre calculus, its not so bad, i hear dill is a really cool teacher but he seems pretty dull, and idk, im sure things will change, but so far its not so bad, i sit by megs and stevie, and not by guys this year, i always do the stupid thing and sit by guys, this year i was finally smart and i sit by girls, after that i go to spanish, its easy, i can never her craig because this woman has 5 fans going, but she seems nice, she has a southern accent, its funny...then this is my pride and joy STUDY HALL, a whole 50 minutes where i can sit with jess sara nick and coomes and just chill, and sometimes do some work, but its really cool, then off to chemistry, this class is amazing, anthony is my sab advisor she i already knew her and shes cool, she acts like a kid plus everyone is in this class, ian megan jackie megs james jew, its great, i love it, plus jack sits in front of me ians to my left, james diagonal back, jess behind me and megs to my right, its amazing...then lunch! woo...then two periods of american studies, dunn and dever and everyone else, its too too cool, i enjoy it, today we got to go outside and interview people and we have to do a presentation on them and the presentation cant exceed 90 seconds so its not exactly brain surgery, im excited, i actually like school this year, its gonna be good
nothing else is really going on, since school's started i havent exactly been able to think about guys, which has been great, im almost completely over one, i thought i started liking another but idk, i think its best if we just stay friends, plus the fact he likes my best friend, so basically i am totally content wth life right now and i couldnt be happier :)
2 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 25 August :: 8.15pm
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let go
[Chorus]
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more
I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing
[repeat chorus]
Than waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....
[repeat chorus x2]
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 25 August :: 10.19am
:: Mood: drained
hmm its been awhile...
thursday night was preview night, all the band parents come and watch us perform preview and then halftime, then the parents come out at march pregame with us so they can get an understanding for what we do. my mom and heather marched with me and nick was looking for jackie but couldnt find her, i told him she was in the north chevron (sp) and he didnt understand, so he just marched with me, and at the end he was like 'omg, that is such a workout'...this coming from a football player, kinda scary, but it was fun
after that we all went out to baldwins, ive never been to his house before but it was a lot of fun, we watched bowling for columbine, well we started to then we kinda quit, but the little bit that i watched has made me want to go out at rent it and really watch it sometime, but yea his house is a lot of fun so we will definitely be hanging out there more often
friday night
BG vs. Otsego: 21-14
we lost, but it was still a good game, i had a lot of fun though, i knew the Otsego QB from when i was like 4, we grew up together and we wen fishing all the time, hes a cool kid, and i know how much he likes football, so for him to throw all of otsegos 3 touchdowns that night must have been very cool for him, so im happy, our team played well though, they just need some more confidence, and they wont get it these next two games because we play fostoria (amazing) and napoleon (more amazing) but its cool. im still proud of the guys, watching them makes me nervous though, i dont want to see them get hurt, maybe its the maternal instincts in me, idk, they're just my friends and for them to get hurt just wouldnt be cool, so even though i love watching football and love watching all the violent tackling and whatnot, i still want them to be ok
after the game we all went to megans to celebrate stevie and nicks birthdays, lucky bastards are 17 already, just kidding, i only have a little but longer to wait...i came to a realization though, my 18th bday will be on the last football game next season, how cool will that be? idk i think its cool, no one else probably does though, oh well
saturday night
hess's going away party at nelsons, it was really really buggy, but it was fun, there was fire, whats not fun about that...plus, the guys wanna do powderpuff again this year, and guess who they asked to be their coach again...fun times
yesterday we had turtle mania 2003, i spent like 8 hours at jacobys house yesterday, it was fun though, we did a whole lot of nothing, and it was great
today, i plan on doing nothing, i have to mow the lawn that'll take about 2 hours, i dont really care, other than that i plan on spending the day getting everything prganized for tomorrow, school starts tomorrow and frankly i dont care, everyones whining about it starting and really im ready for it, im read for having something to so, im ready to wake up in the morning and having a purpose, no more of this waking up and taking hours to finally get ready for the day..we have a two hour delay tomorrow which will help ease us into waking up earlier, but other than that we have nothing. and im ready for it
i came to the conclusion that this spring, im going to do it all...school, college, track, and a social life, it cant be that hard, go to school, go to track, get a 90 minute break between track and college where i can do my homework, get out of class by 830 (if its a 630-830 class) get home by 9, probably 1-3 hours woth of homework, get to bed by mindnight and wake up the next morning at 545, no problem, who needs to eat anyway? it'll be fun and challenging, im up for it
i guess thats it, im going to go enjoy my last day! wee!!
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 19 August :: 5.40pm
:: Mood: sleepy
allergy medicine makes me sleepy....
im in a good mood though, no depression, no feeling sorry for myself, im just happy, ive come to a conclusion in my head and i think it works
i went to registration today...band, pre cal, spanish, study hall, chemistry, then american studies....preety damn good, megs and i have 4 classes together! woo! as sad as it is im ready for school to start...oh well
i had uniform fitting today, uniform from last year still fits....still wondering if thats a good thing or not..oh well at least i didnt get bigger
band camps been going very well, squad is doing amazingly, and hopefully we start learning halftime tonight, football game is friday i am very excited, i love football games, maybe i'll get to wear a jersey this year, i wore metcalfs once last year, i dont think i'll ask him again, he doesnt seem to like me very much any more..i wonder what i did?
anyway, i guess thats about it, i'll update soon! promise!
4 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 18 August :: 10.23am
:: Mood: im better
i felt so horrible last night
after the guys stayed until around midnight saturday night, tara winston and jackie showed up around 1230...winston stayed until 245 then left because he had to be at work at 730, how that kid managed that i will never know, but it was a lot of fun, we were all slap happy and giggling at everything...good times
last night we had a movie night at jacobys, we watched the rock, i love that movie, i mean whats not to love? violence, blood, guns, sean connery? i mean come on! then when i got home ian and i had one of our talks, mainly about how he liked megan and how megan really just wants a friend because she doesnt have time for more, and i was trying to tell him that megan's jealous of me for the friendship that we have and how we can talk about pretty much everything and i dont think he understood, so i spent about 20 minutes trying to teach him how to talk to her like he talks to me...oh the agony...but anyway, i felt so horrible last night, i felt so alone and so depressed, idk what my deal was, i felt sick to my stomach, like a could burst into tears any second and that if i was to go to scleep i would just sleep forever and never wake up, then i went to sleep, and i woke up this morning feeling fine...idk what it is, i think i only ever feel horrible at night, in the mornings and during the day im completely fine, idk...im just gonna try and get over it and not care anymore, im 16, life goes on
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 16 August :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: confused/stupid
yea, so last night i was talking to dan and he was like yea ian and i wanna have a party tomorrow night since its their only inght that they dont have football practice the next day, so im like yea thats cool, just call me tomorrow and give me the details...well turns out wanting to have a party turned into a co-ed sleepover at my house...the guys didnt stay though, idk why though, you'd think theyd jump at the chance but anyway, it was me sara metcalf dunn jacoby and herringshaw, herringshaw as always was a big flirt, ian was histarical as usual, dan just kinda sat there and took torment after torment and metcalf put in his two cents every 3 seconds as usual...man for someone who cant stand to be around me he seemed to have a pretty good time tonight, he even talked to me and showed me his finger, but anyway, he also made bacon for everyone at 11 o'clock at night...i guess they all wanted bacon or something, idk i dont like bacon, but its about 1147 now and jackie supposed to come out around 1230 nick i think is coming but idk...if he comes thats fine but hes gonna be the only boy here, oh well, i have a headache, those guys can be loud
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2003 14 August :: 11.08pm
:: Mood: ugh
im so tired...im cranky...and idk
idk whats been wrong with me lately, my brain has been going down this spiral, and its really confusing, i really feel like i dont have a grasp on anything right now, everything is just up in the air, and i cant talk about it to anyone because when i try to i get so confused and dont know how to put it into words that it never gets out, and then the subject changes and my chance of any clarity whatsoever is completely gone and idk
i wish i could just go away, and be able to look at this from another point of view, but i cant, im stuck here, around the same people and nothing is going to get fixed anytime soon...i just dont know what to do, i wish...well frankly idk what i wish...im so confused, no excuse me while i go curl into a little ball and wish upon my life some clarity
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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