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2004 15 April :: 1.44pm
ok, so last night i did go out...big shocker there. nelson was having a bonfire, and adam said he knew i was going, so who am i to prove the kid wrong? megan and i decided to head over around 8, fashionably late of course. kelly megan and i took a trip to meijer, had fun there, got a shit load of hairspray and gummies of all sorts, plus some sobe for barber and we decided to get ian his favorite cookies. had fun out there, it got cold though...the fire needed to be bigger haha.
i got to think a lot on the way home...nelson lives farther away than everyone else, so i got more thinking time...normally i dont come to very good conclusions, but lsat night i was able to, and i was actually able to share the conclusion with the person it involved, so i think all is good in that situation...we always say everything is ok, but then one of us starts thinking and then more things are brought to the table...but right now we're ok. and its good
and the one person i wanted to share my cinci stuff with i actually did get to see yesterday, and like i said, she was just as excited as i was :) it felt great.
i think thats good enough of an update
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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2004 14 April :: 2.11pm
ahh! i almost forgot...cincinnati just sent me a shit load of catalogs today :):):) i went out to get the mail and its like biggest envelope ever! im so excited, and the one person who would be just as excited for me i wont see today!!! grr! anyway...thats all
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 14 April :: 2.04pm
its so pretty outside!!
ok, so since monday...track has been fine, nothing horrible, but its been cold, monday we were inside the entire time and then yesterday we were out and then in, and today it better be all out...monday after track though we had a meeting for our project which went fairly well...called up hodges afterwards, megan and i went to pick him up and we headed out to nelsons...mucho fun out there, we just sat in his little room thing and hung out the entire night, it was just a good time...came home at 1130, and ended up talking to adam until 2, craziness...went to bed and woke up the next morning later than ever, must have been the late night before, went to track, froze, came home and went to amandas and watched 16 candles (great movie!) and we started the great escape (also great movie!) but i had to leave before it ended (obviously...its a long movie..) and i got home and i was shot so i talked a bit and just went to bed...
now its gorgeous outside! and track should be fun because its great throwing weather :)
im not planning on going out tonight, im thinking a night in sounds great, i'll spend quality time with the television because according to some people, i dont do that enough...
jackies leaving today, hodges is leaving today and i think doug leaves tomorrow...megan will be gone all weekend and im still here...this sucks
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 12 April :: 9.07am
well i went to bed in a fairly horrible mood last night. i dont know what my deal has been lately, but ive been going from extreme highs to extreme lows all within a few hours. this cant be good for the mentality of any human being. oh well...
yesterday was great though. i didnt see any of my friends. i saw all of my family though. and i ate so much food. it was amazing, and a great time
then i came home, and everything slowly started to decend upon me, and by the end of the night all i wanted to do was curl into a ball and cry. i didnt cry though, its the whole not having a soul thing that prevents me from doing so. i put on my josh groban CD, curled into a ball under my blankets and i slept. and now i just woke up, and i feel 10 times better than how i did last night...thats just how things work i guess. sleeping things through makes it all ok again
i have to go to track today and i really really dont want to, i would rather work on my school work than go today...we're going to get talked at, not to - at. and we're going to be told that we need to step it up. the guy will get glorified because they placed in not last place. i actually think they got 5th, im not really sure...i dont even know what the girls ended up as...3rd or 4th i think is what kelly told me. i dont really care, it wont be good enough, and i personally will get the disappointment speech, much like i did after defiance and liberty benton...oh and maumee also. great times really...
doug made me feel like crap the other day, i cant go with him to fix his car because i myeslf dont have a car, and he said it was ok, but also added the fact that he would just try to occupy himself by sitting there for 3 or 4 hours. its like great...its not like i can ust magically make a car appear for me to take, or magically change my practice time, or anything else...i apologized and ended up feeling worse in the end.
i think tonight is night at the devers...i know it was like 5 days ago, but nothing as really been said about it since....hmm..i dont know, right now solitude sounds good, so we'll see
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 11 April :: 11.25am
:: Mood: im alright
bobcat relays has come and past...it went fine, i threw disc alright and i sucked it up in shot, i seem to have hit my wall...and its a huge wall that i cant seem to get over and its really dragging down the self esteem whenever i enter the circle...we got 4th in disc though, had i thrown better we might have gotten 3rd, stacie did her job...i failed on my end of the deal...
my face is sunburnt...i should have put sun screen on...
i havent really lliked myself a lot lately...im reacting to things much differently than i used to..maybe its maturing..but i dont think thats it; i think lately ive just had many different influences and they're taking their effect on me...like the f-word...i never used to say it, and now i say it a lot, and i cant say im proud of it. im not being as helpful as i used to be, people will ask for help and i'll try but not really put as much into it as i used to and looking back on certain things i feel horribly, i should have been more helpful than what i was, and im so sorry i couldnt help the way they wanted me to...i also need to watch what i say..because what i say and what i mean arent necessarily the same thing...my sense of humor can be at times demeaning and im really not meaning for it to be that way, and i know that im joking but i fear that the person on the receiving end of the joke doesnt understand that fact...i always think back on things and realize that the comments i made werent nice and probably werent seen as humor...i just need to learn to not speak...i think everyone would benefit from that
oh, and Happy Easter
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it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 9 April :: 10.01am
:: Mood: its break!!
havent really updated since the beginning of the week...i didnt really feel like updating while being in the worst moods ever, those entries just arent fun to read
school was alright this week...basically it was just a blow off week, teachers as well as students were just ready for break and it showed, no hw was assigned and if it wasm 9 times out of 10 it wasnt completed. No one had ambition to do anything and in all honestly that was fine with me, there are times when you just dont want interaction and this week was one of them
track meet on tuesday...i sucked it up in disc but i got second in shot...stupid springfield girl and her deceptive warm ups...so i got 3 varsity points, i think i have 13 as of now, very very close to my letter, and the girls won the meet and a school record was broken by our 2 miler...cristy or kristy, im not really sure...all i know is shes fast and its great, but it of course rained at the meet and the circles were hell to spin in, everyone was slipping, but eh...it was still fun. the coaches need to stop segregating our buses because girls talk about semi depressing things! and its not good on the self-esteem here
i saw amandas prom dress last night...sooooo pretty! i picked her up on our way to saras, i ate spaghetti with her and mrs dever, so much fun! it was a great dinner with great company, it was nice...we got to saras late, but they lived. we waiting for megan to get done with dance, made the first visit of the year to the sundae station, and then crashed in megans basement, it was fun, daniel and i played pool....we really suck, then we all sat around the watched television/played video games...i took amanda home and then left..and i slept! for 9 hours! i havent done that in weeks!! it was nice
so my last entry i said this week would be good..it was...until wednesday, then it all ent down hill, we wont go into it because everyone who is important already knows so theres no need...i dont know why it happened, or the justification behind it (im still wondering if there ever was any) but its over, it was hurtful, but its in the past and it really doest bother me that much anymore...so we'll see what happens next...
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it takes a death and only God can allow it
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2004 8 April :: 5.48pm
Today's planetary aspects may have you experiencing a little cabin fever today, Brittany. If you have the urge to go off by yourself for awhile by all means do so. Try some new diversions. Drive down some country roads you have never explored. Find some antique shops to visit. You probably need a break from the drudgery of your daily routine before you will be able to feel revitalized.
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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2004 7 April :: 9.17pm
irish pride 663: Britt, this is Amanda. But Carolyn's typing. Smile a while. For if you smile, others will smile,. and soon there will be miles and miles of smiles.
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it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 4 April :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: not too shabby
friday was alright...liberty benton relays went by sooo quickly! i was constantly going, i went from sucking it up at shot to going to watch the guys do well in disc, to watching them do shot, to waiting for my disc turn, to doing disc, to taking a potty break, to the 2nd call for fat chick, to running, to watching abby be sweet and bob be sweeter to packing up my bag. i never stopped, i wasnt too thrilled about this 3 event meet, but it was fun. i call tug-a-war next year...its mine! i'll run the fat chick again too...it was fun :) i may have sucked, but i had fun...they segregated the buses though! who does that?! so no interesting chats with bob while squeezing in the corner of a seat, but i got to talk to kelly megs and amanda...i love those girls :) they make me happy, they're just great. after the meet the girls bus decided to take over DQ, and we did...doug and sara met us there, we got some of the boys to come, and DQ was ours! i took carrie home - that kid is hilarious, and the fog was sweet...good day
woke up early the next morning and took my ACTs...not too bad, i'll have to take them again in order to get a better score, because i dont think i broke 30 this time, and i know i can...(i also got a 31 on my EMPT...i felt really good about that) but megan and i said lunch afterwards, so we met dan adam tom winston and tara there...doug wanted to come but he had to work until 1 and megan had to be home by 1, so i felt kinda bad about that...he seemed slightly lost this weekend...but lunch was great...went home, and left for columbus...shopped with dani and robin and my mom...dani and i ran from shoe store to shoe store, while looking at prom dresses in between, she cant go to prom because their school is a senior only prom, andshes not even a junior yet, so i felt kinda bad looking at them with her, but she was into it, i found the dress i want, but they didnt have my size, so no its intense searching time :) driving home ian called and we talked for 33 minutes, he was bored, and i felt bad...but he was in a good mood so im glad:) we got home late and i went to bed early because we lost a stupid hour...grr..
went to church this morning, saw my gpa after his surgery...he's gonna have a sweet scar on his face, had lunch with mike and heather, went to a 4h meeting, im excited about that, came home, hung with the bro a little more, wrote my paper and just chilled...good day
im in a good mood right now and this week will be good and thursday will come quickly and spring break will be great and relaxing and it'll feel like forever when its only a week (and yes that is a threat)
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it takes a death and only God can allow it
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2004 1 April :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: im not quite sure
:: Music: groban
its been a few days, and things have been going on just the same...
played my hardest solo today in band. i thought i was going to make mr headley cry, he stopped band just so he could come over and talk to me about it, not the technicality of it, but the emotion i have to put into it, and that he cant wait until i can get to the point where i play it and im not a nervous wreck because there are four sharps...that guy is a piece of work...
schools been a waste this week, we're actually learning something new in math, but its easy, spanish is as always, chem is nothing, and AS has turned into econ. none of its hard, its all tedious, and i feel no energy to wake up and go to school every morning when i feel like i could be accomplisong more someplace else...
track has been dreary, the weather has been misty and cloudy and cold all week, today the sun was shining right before track, as soon as we got out there, it was like massive cloudiness....track, in all honesty, hasnt been that fun this week, the weather makes us dreary, so we throw worse and with no ambition, we go to the weight room, still with no ambition, and lift only half of what we should be doing, we dick around during abs, and i leave feeling like i accomplished nothing, sure the company is great, i love being able to spend 2 hours with these people everyday after school, but not when they get to the point of almost depression, because something isnt going their way, its extremely difficult to talk them through it too becuase i just dont know how to help them, i know i shouldnt be trying to help, because its really not my problem, but to see them so unhappy, you just want them to be happy and i can't for the life of me turn this around and i feel horrible. just talking to the kid makes me want to cry because its like he's holding this huge sign in front of his head that says failure! you cannot help! just leave. thats the impression that im getting, and its really hurtful, so i just dont know what to do...
abby asked me about prom today...all the guys i think about maybe going with are like, fuck prom, i dont want to go...well shit, that doesnt put you in a good mood, so then i go into the whole teenage girl turnoil..."i wont get asked to prom, im fat and ugly and no one likes me i may as well go take a long walk off a short cliff because my presense is neither needed nor wanted, goodbye" not exactly a fun feeling to have, and i try not to have it, like i can identify that its dumb and i shouldnt be feeling it because its basic teenage turmoil and im better than that, however, you can't help how you feel....ugh, stupid
talked to my dad about the whole car situation...ive decided to wait a year, be able to sell both vehicles and take that larger sum of money and buy something new :) thats like the only thing keeping me smiling right now
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it takes a death and only God can allow it
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2004 29 March :: 7.38pm
:: Mood: yucky
today was alright, nothing spectacular...i've actually been feeling under the weather, but i've been trying to not think about it, so basically mind over matter...if i think well i will be well...i hope...
went to track today, no one had ambition, and no one threw very well...bob and i were both sucking it up, so i ended up leaving early....
on the way home, i started debating the possibilities of selling my car...i talked to my dad about it, he said it was a possibility, i dont think he's really keen on the idea though, but if i keep bringing it up, he's more likely to crack, my mom thinks im being dumb, but when isnt she thinking that? oh well...i feel like crap
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 28 March :: 10.22am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: josh groban :)
friday i was supposed to go shopping with ian adam and bob....they never called, and to be honest, it made me sad...adam and ian called later and said that they had already gone, and bought the stuff and made it without me....well ok, i guess theres nothing i can do about it now, but at the time i was slightly hurt, but im ok now, the batch ended up being bad and made them sick...thats kharma. stevie called though that afternoon and i went to rent movies with her then she came out here and we watched them, ian called and we chatted, and he and daniel came out, as did tom and metcalf after their ffa banquet...they brought porn, and we wacthed it, it was bad, but an interesting experience, it was fun....they left late, and i ended up going to bed at 130, and got up at 6 the next day...ugh...
defiance early bird was a blast....long day, and my face feels tight from being in the wind, i pr'd in both of my events, and we got 2nd in shot but didnt place in disc because we didnt have three scores to combine. i got another red shirt though, and its huge, so some shrinking will be done today so i can wear it to school tomorrow....i got home, nelson called and said bonfie, my house, come....so i went, and it was fun, a lot of fire, and gasoline and tennis balls everywhere...i was cold though, and sat on the bench, because i a)didnt feel well and b)wanted nothing more than a comfy bed c)i wanted to sleep and d) i was lonely...i mean obviously i was around people, but i was lonely, it was a bunch of guys and they were messing with fire, had i suggested anything, they would have said something along the lines of, hey you're a girl, fuck you or something, maybe not that harsh, but eh...it can only be expected when i end up being the only girl because kelly bailed on me
my parents come home today, so hopefully this constant feeling of being alone will subside, i have to read most of to kill a mockingbird and do some work on that, so basically....full day! and all i want to do is sleep
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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2004 26 March :: 7.26pm
"Broken Vow"
Tell me his name
I want to know
The way he looks
And where you go
I need to see his face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end
Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own
[Chorus:]
I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time
[Chorus]
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
[Modified Chorus:]
I let you go
I let you fly
Now that I know I’m asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
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it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 26 March :: 10.55am
:: Mood: sleep!
ok, its been awhile again, and adam "yelled" at me, basically it was just a comment on how i never update anymore, so here i am, im updating, so you better be happy adam
this week has gone by so quickly...
Monday: good day at track, i threw really hard even though we werent supposed to, but i hit 33-34ish in ths shot and i wanted to keep going, and i wanted to see how long i coul sustain getting it out that far, then i went to disc because i knew i had to throw that the next day, and i threw that pretty hard, unsucessful, but hard, and then i went back to shot and threw hard...that was the dumbest thing i could have done, because then we went and lifted...it was only a little but it was still pretty hard, then i came home, went into BG to buy contacts, the guy gave me the opposite of what i needed, called me back, i had to return them, and mine are now on order...stupid eye guy!...stacy was dumb today...i got into a "fight" with ian, and she was all upset becuase she though we were actually fighting, so then abby makes up this thing that ian and i are only fighting because we didnt get our weekly fuck from eachother, and stacy went crazy! she honestly thought ian and i were fuck buddies, when i finally said no, she though adam and i were fuck buddies...it doesnt help the fact that i say adams bed is soft and smells really good...and all he does is smile and nod. but eh, its funny because shes dumb
tuesday: school was boring, we had the red/gray meet after school, the picture guy was horribly late, the wind was bad, so my picture will in turn look dumb because my ponytail is going crazy...then i threw like crap in the meet becuase i went all out the day before, i only threw a little over 30, and in disc i threw a little over 80, i got 1st and 2nd respectively, and that made me happy, but idk,it could have been better...after that me ian adam megan tom dan and nelson went to arbys...popped about a hundred straws, then the boys started in the with spit wads...it was messy yet amazingly fun...then megan ian and i went to krogers because megan and i had to buy a cake for jacks bday and a card, ian is a very itneresting card buyer person...but anyway, then it was off to megans to teach her math and to co-learn chem...it was awesome...i got home a little before 10, i lie hanging out with megs for so long :) we come up with great plans and even greater conclusions ;)'
wednesday: jacks bday! yay! got cake at lunch, crappy track practice, ran home, showered went to NHS dinner and had an AMAZING time! i got there, sat with jackie and her parents and my parents for a few minutes, and then the dunns came in, and we stood and talked tot hem, then decided to sit at a table together, mr dunn tells the finnest stories! then ian came and we had to sit directly across from each other, that was fun, becuase our praents were just talking and talking to each other and our moms were like picture happy...ugh, then the kolpiens came and joined us...it was just a great time, doug had like 8 sookies, i had 1, ian had 4 - he had to eat my other one though...lol the food was so good though! yumm....then meijer trip with megan to buy kellys track care package...took her home and then went home
Yesterday: school....chem field trip, nothing too exciting but it was still a great day! the guy threw liquid nitrogen in front of my feet and i got to plau mother nature and destroy a flower, i was excited, and we got lunch and i spent all day with megan jack and jess...it was just cool, came back to AS watched a jazz movie, then went to track...track was fun, we threw hard, did a little running thing, did some abs....tlked to bob metcalf and ian in the gym for a long time, goofed around, i love those guys...made plans to go shopping the next day, so im excited. spent some hours with jack, looked at her prom dress....so pretty!!! and then came home and slept...it was good
so there ya go adam...you have something to read now when you're bored :)
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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2004 20 March :: 9.38am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: cake
idk
well we got a one last night...oh happy day...we will be journeying down to states again, i havent decided if im excited or not. again its the same night as sandusky, and last year i was lucky and barely able to do both, this year i have a feeling i wont be as lucky. we will see
track has been going well, girls are starting to get on my nerves...much trash talking goes on behind their backs and its pathetic, i can only imagine what they say about me when im not around, im really not worried about it, but i would hope to think that these girls are old enough and mature enough that they wouldnt have to do that as much as they do. all i know, is my varsity spot is more than secure...possibly in both events, so its highly probable that i will be third year letter after this season....DFB is soon, and im extremely excited
my mind has been a mess lately, and ive kind of been ranting to many different people about similar things, i need to learn to control myself, i dont like telling a lot of people what im thinking when im unsure about things, and ive completely blown that theory out of the water lately....i have a feeling its going to blow up at me soon..hmm
ive been slowly distancing myself from some drama lately...my plan is working for the most part, so yay for that
ian and nelsons hockey game this afternoon...i heard four, nelsons info says 5 something, so yea, just go
thats it
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it takes a death and only God can allow it
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