I'm having trouble re-acclimating to Kalamazoo and life here. Being away for so long the past couple of months has changed things. But writing that letter to everyone helped things, and it's kind of sunny out, and I'm going to Best Buy in a few... I decided I'm going to have a good day.

Just in case, I don't have everyone's e-mail address, which I'm sure I don't... I wanted to post this on Woohu as well. This is an e-mail I just sent out to everyone about my plans for the fall:

"Hey all,

I just wanted to take a minute and update everyone of what's happening in my life and what's in store for me next. The last time I talked to most of you I was in the process of trying to find a graduate school to attend in the fall. Well, it turns out that I will be moving to New York City come August while I attend Queens College. I will be a doctoral student as part of their Learning Processes subprogram in Psychology. It was a really tough decision for a while there, and for a couple days I was worried if any of the programs were truly going to work for me, but in the 25th hour, the program contacted me and offered not only a salaried teaching position for 3 of the 5 to 5 1/2 years I plan to spend there, but also a full tutition waiver for the length of my tenure! I'm insanely excited about the move and I think it'll be a really good experience. I recently took a road trip with my dad to check the school out a few weeks ago and I was really impressed with how friendly and helpful the faculty and students seemed to be. Though the professor I had hoped to work for (Dr. Alvero for all my WMU Psych contacts) won't be able to take me on in the fall, I'm confident that I will be able to find a home at Queens. The best part about the location is that it gives you all an excuse to come out and visit me once I get settle and learn the ropes, as I know the draw of seeing both me AND the city will just be too great. :-) I hate leaving all of my loved ones in West Michigan, but as I've said before, I do need get out of here, at least for a while, because I know southwest Michigan can no longer contain my ambition and my drive.

Until I leave, I plan on enjoying my final summer in MI and working some hours at Menards. I should have a bit of free time over the next few months, and I hope to see as many of you as I can before I leave in the fall. I will give everybody new contact info in the fall, but until then, this e-mail address and my cell phone number are still valid. I hope this e-mail finds you all in good health and good spirits. Hope to hear from all of you soon.

Regards,
Jason

P.S. By the way, I'm putting an APB out on any media that anyone still has loaned out from me. I'm going to need any CDs, DVDs, or otherwise back soon so I fill in the holes in my collection before the move. With your cooperation, I hope to avoid hiring any bounty hunters. :-) Have a good one, y'all!"

fear's a dangerous thing, love...
Would you put yourself down to bring yourself up again? Would you cause the pain so relief follows afterward?

I just want a taste. Just to quench this thrist. Then I want to drown myself.

Is it me or is it you? I'm sure it's both.

What if what you do to survive kills the things you love? Tonight, faith just isn't enough.

I thought I had rediscovered the poetry, but then I got distracted.

Pop Culture Calendar
Here's what I've got on my calendar for releases so far this year (all dates subject to change):

April 26 - Ben Folds (!), Jonathan Rice, Bruce Springsteen
May 3 - NIN (!!!), Aimee Mann
May 10 - Dave Matthews Band
May 17 - Team America: World Police
May 19 - Star Wars: Episode III
May 24 - Audioslave (!)
May 31 - Oasis

**Break for the greatest release day ever; just looking at June 7 on the calendar makes me want to jizz**
June 7 - White Stripes (!), Coldplay (!!!), Nick Hornby's new novel "A Long Way Down" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

June 14 - Millennium: 3rd Season (!!!!!)
June 21 - Billy Corgan
July 16 - Harry Potter & The 1/2 Blood Prince
Sept. - Death Cab for Cutie
Nov. 11 - Rent (movie version)
Nov. 18 - Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire

And maybe, just maybe, the fuckheads at BMG will finally take Fiona Apple's "Extraordinary Machine" out of limbo and release the damn disc. But I'm assuming that's too much to ask...

Oh, and by the way, I'm moving to NYC for graduate school in the fall...

wants a full night's rest; doesn't want to go to bed
There's so much I want to accomplish this summer before I leave(?), and even though it hasn't even started, I can already see it flashing before my eyes. That's what summer does, and I hate it for that.

I'll have a decision by Friday. Just waiting to hear back from both West Virginia and Queens on a couple of crucial decisions. A free ride or a tremendous opportunity? Practical or adventurous? I have no idea how this thing is going to end up.

I love fresh baguettes. More addicting than street drugs. If I sit down with one, I'll eat until it's gone or I feel sick, whichever comes first.

Why do things all of sudden have to get good back home when I am doing all this traveling/leaving in the fall(?)? I had two incredibly reaffirming, heartfelt, and insightful conversations with my respective parents in the past couple of weeks. Relationships with my friends are going well. I'm becoming more social again and I want to hang out with everybody as they get out of school (what's that again?)

Fuck this 7am bullshit. Hmm, I knew I shouldn't have finished that entire baguette. Going to bed will make everybody better, right?

Everything's great... until I think about everything. Then I have an anxiety attack.

Hmm...

So much silent judging today/this week.

I'm (really) tired.

Goodnight.

So, I'm up in Traverse City for the Menards store set-up. First day went real well. No customers + none of my least favorite K-Zoo employees = a good time. And there's so much work to do that it makes the time (13 hours/day) go by real fast. We'll see how long my enthusiam lasts...

I'm good at two things, but I can only do one or the other. I enjoy them both immensely, but it seems the past few years they've been (for the most part) mutually exclusive activities. Why can't I have my cake and eat it too? Hmm, until that day comes, I guess I'll just continue to enjoy this frosting.

Seriously though, I'm going to have so much money in a month... ::drools.

Quotes from a kick-ass/mind-expanding book I just finished by Martin Page called How I Became Stupid. If you often feel that intelligence is a curse, but deep down you know it's a blessing in disguise, I highly recommend this book.

This quote recaps where I was with my life for most of last year and the beginning of this one: "For months now I've been thinking about my illness of thinking too much, and I've established with complete certainity the correlation between my unhappiness and the incontinence of my mind. Probing and pondering and overanalyzing have never given me any advantages; they've only played against me. The process of thought is not a natural one, it hurts; it's as if I were uncovering pieces of broken glass and lengths of barbed wire in the air. I can't seem to stop my brain or to slow it down. I feel like a train, a big old steam train hurtling along the tracks, a train that will never be able to stop because the fuel that makes it so dizzyingly powerful, the coal, is the whole world. Everything I see, feel, and hear throws itself into the furnace of my mind, fires it up and makes it charge on full steam ahead. Probing and pondering and overanalyzing is a kind of social suicide because it means you can no longer take part in this life without inadvertently feeling both like a bird of prey and a vulture picking apart everything it sees. When we try to understand something, more often than not we kill it..."

The next two quotes provide a solution and rationale: "Being a real jerk is a good remedy for my problem. I need a radical treatment: being a jerk will be like chemotherapy for my intelligence. And I'm prepared to take that risk without hesitation. But if, in six months' time, I seem to be enjoying myself a bit too much as a... as a selfish bastard, I'd like you to step in. I'm not trying to become stupid and money-grabbing; I just want to let those molecules circulate in my organism to purge this painful mind. But don't step in before six months."

"I wouldn't want to keep the stupidity itself, but the many beneficial particles floating around in it like trace elements: happiness, a bit of detachment, the ability to avoid suffering by empathizing, a lightness in the way you live and think. Being carefree!"

Finally, this one I just dig; it's so Machiallevian and so well written: "When you realize that you're one of the rare few who observe moral principles in their relationships with others, there is a temptation to sink into amorality, not out of conviction or pleasure but simply to avoid further pain, because there is no greater suffering than being an angel in hell, whereas a devil feels at home wherever he goes. Damnation permits everything and forgives everything. (He) had no choice but to adopt that behavior which consisted of integrating yourself by offering your ideals as a sacrifice. Everything was coming together."

This school situation just keeps getting weirder.

This life situation just keeps getting weirder.

Pat Buchanan got doused with salad dressing @ Western last night. That's beyond weird. Not too mention incredibly hilarious. From my conversation with Ricci last night:

Me - "So, why is it again that you want to go see the devil speak?"
Ricci - "I don't know, I'm hoping something interesting will happen."

Well played, Ricci, well played.

Things are so complicated right now, and I'm loving every minute of it. What I do in the next couple of weeks affects everything. I feel like I'm in total control of my life.

So there's been a lot of things in my life as of late to draw confidence from, and I feel as assertive and self-assured right now as I've ever felt in my life. Keeping that in mind, I've got to stay true to my (humble) roots, so if you do see me getting too big for my britches, please bring it to my attention. I don't want to change where I'm heading (I can't remember feeling as content or as in control of my life as I do right now), but at the same time, I do not want to change anybody's opinion of me. 'Cause I care. ::does Frasier:: And I'm listening.

As much control as I've garned over my life these past few months, I don't know that it would ever be enough for you. You are just in this different realm, and I feel I couldn't ever keep up with you if I tried. But then again, I've got all the time in the world, always have... and I don't see this personality change pulling a 180 anytime soon.

State moved on to the Elite Eight. Woot woot! Today has been a good day. Received word that I am going to Traverse City for the set-up in a week and a half. I'm a bit daunted by the thought of that many hours, but the money will be well worth it.

I'm reading an entirely awesome book by Martin Page called "How I Became Stupid." It's one of those books that I wish I had met 6 months to a year ago. I'll be throwing out some quotes from it after I'm done.

I'm two, almost three weeks, behind on "24." I haven't seen an episode since I was on spring break. I need to get my ass in gear. I know most people went home this weekend, but is anybody interested in seeing "Bad Education" at the Little Theater on Sunday? It looks so good, and I don't want to go alone. :-/ Otherwise, I'll probably break down and head back home.

I keep thinking about how much driving I'm going to be doing in the next month and it makes me sick...

More Quizzes
I (and Joe) thought this was a bit a high...

You Are 55% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"!

You are

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many. The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately. You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss. A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.

Hmm, I'm back on the wagon now. It feels better up here anyway. I don't like being weak.

I hope I never become... not good at life. That would definitely suck. I can't win all the battles, but I can take my loss battles in stride and forget them before they even hit the ground.

I'm going to Traverse City for a Menards store set-up from April 4th to the 23rd. I will be up there every day except for a trip back to K-Zoo each Saturday night and Sunday to catch and rest up. Mucho overtime dinero. Outside possibility I might go to NYC next week to check Queens College out.

Blah blah blah blah.

Kick-ass.

"Change is happening in your life, so go with the flow! (in bed)"

Greetings from South Padre Island, Texax! For those of you who don't know (which is probably quite a few because I really didn't tell anybody), I'm on Spring Break with my good friends Ryan, Jason, and Tony. It's been a crazy week so far, but I've had fun for the most part. Points of interest from the trip so far:

- One of us drew blood from one of the others. From the head.
- Ryan went parasailing. I took many pictures.
- If I hear 50 Cent's "Candy Shop" one more time, I WILL go postal.
- I've. drank. alot.
- Despite the heavy drinking, I've been a relative saint. No debauchery for Jason.
- Nonetheless, I've had a lot of fun.
- Quote of the trip: random super-drunk guy in Bubba's BBQ restaurant who said this in a Napoleon Dynamite voice to the guy taking the order before pouring on an obscene amount of Tabasco sauce on his sandwich because he thought it was barbeque sauce (because we told him it was) - "I want the numchuck special!!!"

Seriously, it's not what you think...
My mind keeps reverting back to the titles of a pair of Badly Drawn Boy songs: "I Was Wrong/You Were Right."

::breathes deep::

Alright, let's not mince words here. After Stef, I began a non-stop quest for two things. First of all, closure, which I received a few months ago. Second of all, I was searching for vindication or rebirth, I'm not really sure which and the line really blurs between the two. I finally found what I was looking for. I needed some proof, some reassurance that all the growth and all the realizations I've made along the way were real and valid and substanial and lasting. I finally got that, and it came in perhaps the least expected way.

As Dylan sung, "Things have changed." I take the last entry back, if only because it's not congruent with my newfound realizations. Nonetheless, and I speak this in no uncertain terms...

Do not get in my way. There's no holding me back now. But what you're not holding me back from is so much bigger than I originally thought. But then again, if you truly knew what the hell I was talking about, you wouldn't want to hold me back from it anyway.

Confused yet?



Good, I like it that way.

::edit 3:58am:: Usually I don't like speaking in glittering generalities, but I don't see any way around it here. Even though everything has changed, nothing hasn't changed. Get it? Come on, that's gotta make sense to at least one person, right?

Carnal Knowledge
"The apple cannot be stuck back on the Tree of Knowledge; once we begin to see, we are doomed and challenged to seek the strength to see more, not less." - Arthur Miller

I've been thinking about this a lot lately: is it better to always take the moral high road and get walked all over, or is it a smarter man who is able to realize when to throw those trappings aside to get ahead? I still maintain that Clive Owen's character was not any more morally superior to the rest of the cast of Closer, but the characteristic that sets both him and Natalie Portman apart in that movie is their ability and ambition to get what they want (and know what that is in the first place). Sometimes you just have to get out there and grab what you want, and let nothing stand in your way.

Something keeps pushing me forward: it's my refusal to turn around and head back.

I was checking out the first season of Millennium's special features and came across a featurette about the logo and opening title sequence. I found some more background on the symbology of the Ouroboros (my tattoo): it was used as an amulet against suffering, as well as a representation of the cosmos. It is often associated with the phrase "One is the All" and is often termed as the circle of "eternal becoming." Interesting stuff.

i can't help wondering how you might feel about me today...
Well, now that was an enjoyable experience. Left me more confused than anything (that's a lie, I feel like I finally understand for the first time) but I enjoy the uncertainity. Not knowing. It's the masochist in me.

Scores for the evening. I won, batting .500 with 12 out of 24. But then again, I lost 2-1. All around good performance though, if I may say so myself.

God, this takes me back.

I leave in four days. Freakin' wow.

2005 Oscar Picks
Picture – Aviator
Actor – Jamie Foxx
Actress – Hilary Swank
Sup. Actor – Morgan Freeman
Sup. Actress – Natalie Portman
Director – Martin Scorsese
Original Screenplay – Eternal Sunshine
Adapted Screenplay – Sideways
Foreign Language – Sea Inside
Animated Feature – Incredibles
Art Direction – Aviator
Cinematography – Passion of the Christ
Costume Design – Aviator
Editing – Aviator
Makeup – Passion of the Christ
Original Score – Finding Neverland
Original Song – Polar Express
Sound Editing – Spiderman 2
Sound Mixing – Aviator
Visual Effects – Spiderman 2
Animated Short Film – Gopher Broke
Live Action Short Film – 7:35 in the Morning
Documentary Feature – Super Size Me
Documentary Short – Autism is a World

Rawr
It'll happen. I have to believe it'll happen. I can wait. I can wait as long as it takes, as long as I know it'll happen someday. I've waited this long, I can wait longer. Really, if you think about it, I'm like halfway there right now.

When all you have to take away amounts to very little, the little you have becomes immensely and immediately valuable. The little things become more importmant than the all the other big things in your life. I remember it all, the touch, the smell, the taste, all down to the most (in)significant detail.

And I'm ravenous for another taste of paradise.

Good News for People Who Love Bad News
So I heard back today from three of the seven grad schools I applied to: "no" from University of Florida and West Virginia; "yes" from Queens College. I'm escatic because the first two I had little to no interest in going to, while the latter has moved into the number one position on my list. And I can't say I'm really suprised on my two rejections; it's not so much as my credentials, instead having to do with me not being a very good fit for those schools. I'm excited though; I'm aware that Queens College will probably end up being the worst logistically and financially, but it does define the term "dream school." And who knows, it might just work out.

For some reason, I still can't get used to this free time thing. I should be able to just relax and enjoy it, but it's just not natural for me. You get into these specfic ways of reacting to things in and it's so hard to break the habit. And that's one ability that has seemed to diminish for me over the past year and a half: habituation. I look for familiar things to fulfill me, but the problem is that many of the familiar things in my life no longer satisfy me, and haven't for a while, which would go a long way to explain my on-again, off-again unhappiness and discontentment.

The other big news in my life is my growing re-attachment to the TV show Millennium. I've got the first two seasons on DVD and will pick up the third when it's released in June. For those of you that don't know, it's a charming drama about serial killers and the apocolypse. It's so dark and so visceral and it's tapping some respect of where (I feel) I am right now (kinding like The Wall is at this very moment). Both are dark (ok, freakin' morbid), but cathatric is a fucked up sort of way that I'm responding to right now... I just keep thinking that I need to purge something in my life, something inside of me, before we can really move on.

I'm really starting to get pissed at Dell. They need to get my replacement optical drive to me NOW.

I find myself becoming a little more confrontational, more predetorial as of late. Doing a better job of finding or deciding what I want to do or say and following up on that. The difference this time around is that I'm trying to balance that with the maturity and wisdom that has come with age. If I can't change the game as I once ambitiously thought I could, the only sensible course of action is to adopt its rules and learn how to play the game as is. Case in point: if I cannot subdue my emotions, if I cannot become the portrait of poise and tranquility that I once had aspirations toward, I might as well learn how to use my emotions to my advantage. Granted, I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet, but no bother...

Best Of 2004
Top 15 Movies of 2004
1) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
2) Collateral
3) Kill Bill, vol. 2
4) Garden State
5) Napoleon Dynamite
6) The Aviator
7) Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
8) Spanglish
9) Ray
10) Shaun of the Dead
11) Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban
12) Spiderman 2
13) The Incredibles
14) Sideways
15) Super Size Me

Top 15 CDs of 2004
1) Franz Ferdinand
2) Modest Mouse - Good News For People Who Love Bad News
3) TV on the Radio - Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes
4) Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Abattoir Blues/The Lyre of Orpheus
5) Nellie McKay - Get Away From Me
6) Green Day - American Idiot
7) David Bryne - Grown Backwards
8) Incubus - A Crow Left of the Murder
9) U2 - How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
10) Kanye West - College Dropout
11) Badly Drawn Boy - One Plus One Is One
12) The Killers - Hot Fuss
13) Garden State - Soundtrack
14) Interpol - Antics
15) Alanis Morissette - So-Called Chaos