i'll convince you soon that i am fine!!!
Happy (and content) people make me... something. It's not necessarily a nice adjective.

I can't believe some of the things that come out of my mouth sometimes. Honestly, I think these things out before I say them, and they still come out like... at least, I think I consider before I speak.

I envy people who are able to throw themselves into something so thoroughly and completely. I'm watching (scratch, reading) about all this ilovebees.com/Halo 2 stuff, and it makes absolutely no sense (I've only played the game once in my life), but the energy and thought that everybody's putting into it, there just seems such an inherent meaning behind it for those involved. I long for such importance in my life, I don't care if it's trivial or not.

I didn't realize Radiohead was making music in 1993. Not that it was necessarily any good but... I was reading an article yesterday about U2's new album, due out in November. It's being hailed as one of their best and nobody has anything bad to say about it. I mean, I thought "All That You Can't Leave Behind" was good enough to be their big comeback album... to outdo that would be remarkable.

I want to do something really nice for someone again. That's the happiest I've been lately.

This entry feels incomplete, so I might be back later.

College Life
I look around, I hear things, and I compare, and I wonder to myself, "Am I missing out? Are there things I should be doing to better enjoy my time here?" Based on how much time I have left, I should probably be stating those questions in the past tense. I never had that in high school; I knew when it was over that I had achieved everything I had set out to do in the classroom, and I made unbelievable strides socially the last two years I was there. Here... at Western... I "wasted" the first year trekking home to see Christa (which I don't regret, it was a good relationship while it lasted), and this year I/we have been stuck out here in No Man's Land (it's not a bad part of town, don't get me wrong, but it's not exactly condusive to the whole college scene). Only my sophomore year really felt like I was really in the mix of things. Yeah, it had its fair share of tribulations, but the good times greatly outweighed them, and I thrived on all of it.

Nowadays... no, screw it, I stop there.

now here's something we hope you really like...
I guess it's about time I've done one of these, it's been a while since I've had a decent update. Ran into my first problem with the laptop, just a couple software issues (evidently, computers don't like it when you have two versions of Norton AntiVirus competing at the same time), but I think I've got it under control. I can't believe the massive number of pop-ups I'm getting though. I guess I went a little far with the downloads in the past week or so, but oh well, it's over and done with now.

This weekend was... very strange. I saw a ton of people I hadn't seen all summer or just about all summer. Being reunited with that many people in such 48-72 hours was all a bit daunting and threw me off a little. And I spend more with my mom and my stepdad this weekend than I have probably all this year. I still feel like I'm retreading more and more of my past as I go on. True, there's not a ton of stuff from my past that I should feel that I need to run away, but once you close a chapter or two of your life, you aren't exactly in a rush to reopen those pages. Down the road, maybe, but it blurs the lines of progress when you turn back and forth. It's why I've had such a tough go of it this year.

Making a valiant effort to rack up some serious hours at work this week before we head back to school next week. Saturday, Joe and I move into our new place (with a little help from the 'rents, hopefully), and then Sunday, I'm taking my step-cousin Jenna (she's an incoming freshman) out around the town to show her the ropes. That reminds, I should call her tomorrow.

I love the Olympics...
So, just finished watching Paul Hamm make the most unbelievable comeback in gymnastics history. I'm not a huge gymnastics fan, but for some reason, the last few Olympics I've watched, it's maintained such a heightened sense of drama and storytelling perfection, that I can't help but be taken in. But to have the presence of mind to keep your wits after such a huge mistake with so much on the line and with so many expectations coming in, it was all just so amazing.

I was rooting for him so completely to a great extent because it was a storybook comeback and victory and because he was the favored American, but I also responded to something about him and his personality as well. There's just this sadness and maturity in his eyes that I can't ignore. Some weird connection... I don't know, I can't explain. I have this inituition that we've been through similar experiences even though our situations are polar opposites, we're both the same age... I don't know. Either way, I'm very happy for the USA team, after a couple of impressive victories tonight, and I'm very happy for myself, after enjoying a couple of very successful days as well.

You Can't Go Home Again
I think there's a lot of bittersweet irony in the following paradox that I think we all encounter at some point: There's this fresh and novel stimulus (yes, I realize I've used that word in like 5 of my last 6 enteries, but I'm a behavior analyst... just imagine how we talk when you get five of us in a room...) Anyway, this stimulus could be a new surrounding or even a person, and you begin to have positive experiences with this thing or place, and as a result of that positive reinforcement, you seek out that stimulus more and more, but the problem with turning to it too regularly is that you inevitably become satiated, or full, of said stimulus. Best example I can think of is my job at Studio 28. I grew up wiith that establishment being a backyard safe haven, and I would enjoy being in the place just as must, if not more, than the actual movie itself. So I did what any normal person would do when they turned of age; I applied for a job there. After working there for a bit, things changed. I saw the inner-workings of the place and I was there much more than I had been previously. You just simply get used to it. If the stimulus remains as reinforcing as it was initially, you're lucky enough to have a very safe and steadfast outlet when you need it (see a loving partner or a supportive parent). Don't get me wrong, my job at Studio was the best I've had so far in my life, but things changed, and I carried on my love and loyalty to the place because I had achieved a completely new set of memories, albiet under very different circumstances.

My whole point for this was I'm at the Wyoming Library right now, writing this up. This place has an even stronger reinforcement history than Studio... and I just discovered a novel stimulus in an old friend. Grabbing a muffin and an OJ and sitting down with my new laptop in the cafe they have here, the one I never took the time to check out... it was just a harmonious balance of a fresh and extremely reinforcing experience intergrated into an old and familiar one.

Long story short, I had a moment.

I think a day like today serves as a pleasant message that there can exist some sort of middle ground when it comes to my anxieties and my compulsions, and my attempt to dispel said irritations. It is a good thing to put forward that I can have a stressful or unpleasant day, then return to the safety and comfort of my home and engage in some routine and comforting activities (i.e. straighten up the house) while not going overboard, trying to overcompensate (e.g. cleaning the entire house top to bottom, in the process creating more stress than the initial stimuli). Knowing what I need or what I need to do to address a given situation or stressor and proceeding to do said thing with minimal hesitation...

I mean, even look at this entry; it's evidence enough. Streamlined, to the point, attempting to convey my message without a lot of extra padding. ::curses his use of sentence fragments::

To address some other business:
- Center for Autism ended for me today. I will be continuing my work with Chris (the grad student whose Masters' thesis I am helping with), but as far as the practicum that I've been doing all this year, I have ended my obligations. Good run, I learned a lot, but it's nice for it to be over and we ended on a good note I thought. The directors and the grad therapists even pitched in and gave us (the three undergrads who are leaving) each a card and brought in some treats, so that was pleasant.
- Still waiting (impatiently) for my laptop. UPS attempted to deliver it to my father's house today, but no one was around. We are going to pick it up, just a matter of when that will be. I have to go back to GR on Monday, so I might have to wait until then to get it.
- Funny side-story in regards to the laptop thing. We had some difficulty ordering the system and ended up accidentally ordering two systems. Well, when we finally got a hold of someone to address the problem, they transferred us to the billing department which canceled the charge for one of the computers. However, my parents are not convinced that the shipping dept. did the same. So we might ::crosses fingers, knocks on wood:: have a two for one deal going on here. Checking the UPS tracking system, there says that there are two packages, however, my dad just brought up a good point that one of those might be the free printer that comes with the laptop. We’ll see.
- Bought Kill Bill, vol. 2 (and Jackie Brown, rock on for 2 for $25 at Best Buy!) today, complete with a cool little sleeve to house the complete saga. Tonight’s entertainment, done and done.
- I have become re-addicted to Tecmo Super Bowl for the original NES. I must play more now… and eat… I can’t forget the food.

New look for the journal...

From now I do what the man in the clouds tells me to.

My quasi-aunt/second-cousin Pam from California had some really good advice for as I left the party today...

"Everything is reversible. Do your best, be goal-orientated, but don't forget you can change your future." That's a decent paraphrase, but that first sentence is verbatim and it struck me. It struck me as much for its sentiment as it did that there are still plenty of fresh voices and sentiments out there; that a new piece of advice can still stop me dead in my tracks.

"i'll write you a song and i hope that you won't mind/because all the names and places i have taken from real life/so please don't get upset at this portrait that i paint/it may be a little biased, but at least i spelled your name right..."

It's a small (Menards) world after all...


We should probably get together and catch up. It's about that time.

Dude, I'm getting a DELL! Just like everybody else... but hey, they are good machines.

Hmm, what else? I can't wait for Saturday, that should be fun.

Here I was walking around the last 24 hours in all of my excessive mopiness, complaining how inconsolable I was, and telling the people that were trying to help me that there was nothing they could say or do to cheer me up. And then Meruan and my father do just that in a pair of repsective conversations. Damn, I love being wrong.

Potential is the word of the day. A lot of opportunities arose out of today.

Sunday = horrible day, Monday = good day, Tuesday = horrible day, today = good day... starting to see a pattern here. Think I'll call in sick tomorrow. :-P

i'm down to just one thing/and i'm starting to scare myself...
Beyond the hissy fits and up and downs and the stress and the bad luck and everything that I feel, everything that has become my new existence... where I've ended up, where I'm at right now, scares the hell out of me. It's a cold, empty feeling that originates not from inside, but from the world around me. I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. Things will get better, but I'm not up for waiting around until they do, and every one of my plans to change it have either been labeled (or I'm afraid will be labeled) as rash and impulsive. Well, here's a news flash; I've never been rash and impulsive, so why don't you all let me make my own mistakes and let me live with the consequences. You're all looking out for my best interest, and I love you for that, but you are holding me back in the process.

"I'm gonna make a mistake, I'm gonna do it on purpose." Fiona Apple, "Mistake"

But I mean, for pete's sake, when every decision is pain-stakingly thought-out, when I can't tell one of the people I love most on this earth what I'm truly thinking because I have to protect them (not to mention myself)... what do you expect me to do expect to lash out and throw myself in the deep end?

Save your advice (i.e. DON'T respond to this journal entry), because I know every thought you're concocting right now. "Jason, the world seems empty because you feel empty." "Jason, love yourself first and the rest will follow." "Jason, blah blah blah." I know these phrases because I've lived by them for as long as I can remember... and when those same beautiful Hallmark sentiments fail me so completely and lead me to this pitiful state of mind... well, sir, that's when I give up and adopt a new approach. Adapt and survive, that's what you want me to do, isn't it?

I could apologize for being so brash, so poisonous with my words tonight, but this thing is my damn outlet...

and I'm just so goddamn sick of living to please...

and left feeling so empty.

So, today was good, because I accomplished quite a bit. But the best part of today was that I accomplished what I had set out to do, and that's about it. No lofty goals to get everything that's on my plate done in one day, and I didn't get taken in by a feeling of overwhelming anxiety about it all. Some of the things I accomplished today, in no particular order:

1) Got the most expensive oil change of my life
2) Got a decent haircut from Great Clips
3) Went apartment shopping, found a really nice place, several hundred yards from where I live now
4) Bought socks
5) Went laptop shopping
6) Used up one of my remaining visits at MegaTanz
7) Took advantage of Rent One, Get One Free Monday at Video Hits (The Statement & The Fog of War)
8) Bought a fair amount of groceries for under $30
9) Made this journal entry

This song does a decent job of paraphrasing how I feel about the world these days. It’s not that I hate it, I’m just a little disillusioned. That, and I want to get Nellie McKay some free publicity, because I think she’s a real fresh and talented voice.

Read more..

the only difference that i see/is that you are exactly the same as you used to be...
::thick British accent:: Right then, let's have another go at it, shall we?

Here's another thing...
Once temporal paradoxes are no longer a concern, I'm going to hook up with a future version of myself. This doppleganger is going to shield me from the things I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with at the moment...

Most of the things that have ruined this day have been things that I shouldn't have heard or seen, things that people told me that I really didn't need to know. Things that only fed the hungry beast of my insecurities.


And another thing... all this stuff with me about reinventing myself; maybe I can put it into some sort of perspective now. It's not that I'm so deadset on changing myself, reinventing myselfing, whatever... it's that I discovered through my trials and tribulations of this year that I absolutely thrive on reviving myself from a desperate mood. The rush of self-confidence, the fresh new feeling that comes from building myself back up... it's one that's so addicting that I'll seearch for opportunties to drop myself only to pick myself back up again. Hey, never said it was healthy or anything.

Beyond that, there just isn't much to write home about, y'know?

Hey, how about this, you bunch of fuckin' assholes... maybe once you collective group of shitheads could try and pick out something positive that I've done, instead of either telling me that I'm doing something wrong or just generally being an asshole or a bitch. Here are the reasons why I hate my job:

I hate you for being a bitch, knowing it, and flaunting your bitchiness to get your rocks off.
I hate you for not being there when you're supposed to be being supportive.
I hate you for thinking that, just like countless others have.
I hate you for playing with my emotions and misleading me, and without the courage to be upfront about it.
I hate you for still being there.
I hate you for going bald and having a gut.
I hate you for being short and being an ass.
I hate you for being perhaps the biggest, most obnoxious ass I know.
I hate you for being one of the most annoying people I know, and yet still have a good heart that I can't hold against you.
I hate you simply for who you are and who you represent as a person. Try an ounce of compassion for once in your life, it wouldn't kill you.
I hate you for being a phony. You always have been, and you always will be. And for all the people you've hurt along your way.
I hate you for carrying yourself like you have an IQ in the double digits.
I hate you simply because of the way you laugh.

And there's more, but those are the ones that jump out at me right now. The most amazing part of that is that each of those is a different person. Granted, I probably don't hate a quarter to a half of said people, but... GRR.

Save Big Money, fuck that. I'm out ASAP. Talk about a hostile working environment, and none of them have a fucking clue, I'm sure.


Now, to be fair, I'll attempt an equalizer:
I like you because you are a great father, a nice guy, and a good boss.
I like you because you are a decent person to talk to, and a seemingly good boyfriend.
I like you because you seem so much more above everything else there. Different plain, and I barely know you.
I like you, because I kinda have to. But I do anyway.
I like you because a 10 minute conversation can rescue an entire day.

If that seems a little lopsided, it's not out of lack of effort.

I, on the other hand, am a "polite behemoth who loves to corrupt cunts."

Well, that puts everything in perspective, doesn't it?

in my dreams/i'm jealous all the time.
What is about relationships and love that requires constant reaffirmation? "Do you love me?" "Why do you love me?" And the like. Even when you've that the person is right in front of you, is giving you their undivided attention, giving all of themself to you... why are we still unsure? Have we all been hurt so bad in the relatively short time we've spent in the relationship arena? Is it intrisnic or it is learned instead? Is it an age thing; does it go away with a long-term relationship and stability? Is it just women and myself, or do most guys feel the same way and just hide it better? If I ever said or suggested I was above that paranoia, that jealousy... well, I was just being a liar, a hypocrite, and a guy. I think it's a normal and necessary thing though, that need for assurance and that perceived lack of footing. I mean, you roll the dice and put your feelings in the possession of another, it's bound to make you a little edgy. But hey, you can't win if you don't play the game.

By the way, I don't mean for all these journal enteries to sound so depressing as of late. I'm not depressed when I write these words, in fact, for the most part these days, I'm pretty happy. Contentment is completely different story, but no matter. I can't really put a finger on where it all comes from, but it's there nonetheless.

I'm not entirely sure I like this list yet (maybe it'll grow on me after I get it posted). It seemed a bit rushed, incomplete, and not really sure of what it wanted to be. I attempted to make a list of the 50 Best Songs of All Time, but not necessarily my top 50 all-time personal favorites. This is much more difficult than for, say, a list of top movies. You can think a song is one of the greatest ever made and not necessarily run to it every time on the playlist. Movies are usually more clear cut; usually, your favorites you also usually consider the best made. Nonetheless, I think there's some pretty solid picks on here, although I'm sure you'll find something to pick apart. I listed just the name of the song, as many of these enteries have been covered many times. All that aside, I present it nonetheless:

Top 50 Songs of All-Time
1) One (U2 version)
2) Tiny Dancer
3) All Along The Watchtower
4) Bohemian Rhapsody
5) You Can’t Always Get What You Want
6) What A Wonderful World
7) I Will Survive
8) Another Brick In The Wall, pt. 2
9) Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of These)
10) Piano Man
11) American Woman
12) November Rain
13) Something I Can Never Have
14) Like A Friend
15) Under The Bridge
16) Maggie May
17) Clocks
18) Once In A Lifetime
19) Long Black Veil
20) (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction
21) Smells Like Teen Spirit
22) Total Eclipse Of The Heart
23) The Time Warp
24) I’ll Stand By You
25) Wonderwall
26) Bittersweet Symphony
27) Comfortably Numb
28) Return To Innocence
29) Your Song
30) I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
31) Losing My Religion
32) Jeremy
33) Baba O’Riley
34) Loser
35) Sympathy For The Devil
36) Crash Into Me
37) Let It Be
38) My Immortal
39) Hurt
40) Float On
41) Fell In Love With A Girl
42) Imagine
43) Stan
44) Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head
45) Enter Sandman
46) Where The Wild Roses Grow
47) Mr. Blue Sky
48) Brothers In Arms
49) Landslide
50) The Freshman

I feel stifled by this town, this state, this life. A fresh start is all I craze. New job, new school, new friends, new location, new everything. A new life.

There is too much stimuli in my life... too many souvernirs, too many trinkets, too many thoughts, too many people, too many responsiblities. And each a reminder of a life I don't want to live anymore. Simplification; that's what this is all about.

I've always been taken in by the myth of the Phoenix. Being reborn from its own ahses and all that. Something so poetic, so visceral, so significant.

I need to die to be reborn. In a way, I already have died. Every step I take is another I cannot retread.

I think I arrived a year early for my new life, and now all I can do is wait around and pass the time until it happens to me.

Simplify.

Knocked another large obstacle out of the graduate process by registering for the GRE (Graduate Record Examination) today. It's basically the ACT/SAT for graduate school. The nice thing about this all is that if you are lucky enough to be going into one of eight subjects (of which Psychology is included), you get to take the General test as well as a specialized Subject test, tailored to your field. Now, you might say to yourself, "Jason, those kinds of standarized tests must be expensive!" and my friend, you would be correct. The General test is taking me for $115 and the Subject test is raping me for a whopping $130.

Test dates are as scheduled:
General test - Saturday, October 2
Subject test - Saturday, November 13

Wish me luck.

My stepmother asked me recently about my journal, "How can you feel comfortable putting all that stuff online for the whole word to see?" I didn't really have an answer then (it was more of a rhetorical question anyway), but I have a rough idea now. I can share a large portion of myself with my friends and with people I've never even met because I believe that we are all going the same thing, sharing the same triumphs and heartbreaks; it's just the particulars that are a little different. By purging (parts of) myself on a regular basis, I hope to rid myself on said things. Granted, it's never really worked all that well, but that doesn't mean I'm about to stop trying; besdies, talking about it helps to deal with (whether "it" is a good or bad thing).

Hmm, that sounded sappier than I wanted it to be.

Yeah, I don't really want to end on that note, but alas, I've got nothing.

i broke everything new again/everything that i'd owned...
I really have a profound respect and admiration for the Jason Bourne film series. In an cinematic environment were action films are often equated with overblown budgets, acting, explosions, etc., there is something so simple, yet effective about the two Bourne films that have been released. They remind me of an extremely hard-working and dependable team member that you, as a boss, come to rely upon. They arrive to work every day, on time and ready to do their job; and that's exactly what they do, and then they clock out again at 5. They're quiet, keep to themself most of the time, but are very personable and polite whenever you talk to them. They get the job done, and they look pretty good in the process. And they make the rest of the team look better as well.

Great car chase scene as well. Grade: B+

So, there's this period of time within a hangover that I love. It's after you do your usual hangover rountine (eat, take meds, take a shower, etc.) but before everything clears up. You still feel crap, but your blood starts circulating and you make a giant leap from feeling like total shit to just feeling like crap. You can feel yourself progressively getting better. That's a cool feeling.

I want to be British. Actually, to tell you the truth, I'd be happy with just the accent.

"You're such an inspiration to the ways that I will never, ever choose to be." A Perfect Circle, "Judith"

I know I tend to get so insecure/it doesn't matter anymore...
This is the self-preservation society…

So, it seems as though a lot more of you have been reading lately, or at the very least more of you have been responding. That is very good; if you haven't noticed already, I enjoy attention. Although I don't necessitate it, so I'll be fine with or without it (and have done so before.) Either way though, keep it coming.

I'm trying to see myself how others truly view me lately. I am able to see myself as I truly am, which is a pretty good image most of the time, and I see how I envision myself reflected through the eyes of others. The best way I can put this is to say that I’m viewing a reflection of myself reflected off another mirror; an image skewed by my own insecurities/self-confidence. If you follow philosophy at all, it’s kind of like Socrates’ “shadows on the wall” bit. But to actually see yourself how another views and interprets your own actions and words, stripped of your own predispositions/tendencies… that’s a tough one.

“We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I’m no different.” Leonard Shelby, Memento

Random Thought Break #1:
How can I have four remotes right next to me, and none of them be the one I need? Amazing.

I believe I have an idea for my next tattoo, if I ever end up getting another.

I just have to say…
a) The original “Thomas Crown Affair” starts off amazing, and then falls pretty flat by the end. Although my first Steve McQueen was quite pleasant. Next up: “The Great Escape.” VROOOOOM… ciao.
b) Contrary to what Joe says, the original “Italian Job” is NOT the worst movie ever made. In fact, it’s a pretty entertaining farce, gives the remake a run for its money, and Michael Caine is always charming as hell. And to boot, it had a kick-ass song during the climax by Quincy Jones, entitled “Get Your Bloomin’ Move On” (aka “The Self-Perservation Society.) Sometimes you can’t time these things any better if you wrote it yourself.
c) “Happiness” is a horribly disgusting and worthless film, save a hilarious performance by Cathryn Manheim. And a huge waste of some good talent, including Philip Seymour-Hoffman. Look for it on my next “Bottom 30” list. Some things just SHOULD NOT be filmed, or even suggested, and quite a few of them were included in this film.

Random Thought Break #2:
I still wonder if you are still watching. If you still care, even just a little. I’m fine either way, I’m just curious.

There are quite a number of walls that have been constructed and which keep me a great (emotional) distance from most of you, and it’s going to take quite a stirring to bring them down. But that’s ok, because these walls will keep me protected for as long as I need to stay in here.

I’ll be here as long as it takes… until I find what I’m looking for.