as life gets longer, awful feels softer...
I just hate, HATE feeling like this. This all goes away when I enter a pleasant state of slumber, but until then, I just feel like I've covered in this slime that infects everything I touch. Or, if you'd like, we can go back to the old "maggots in the brain" analogy.

I hate that everything in my journal has been equated to where I'm located at any given point of my imaginary continuum of mental health. "Oh, I did good today, didn't I?" ... Yeah, slightly self-depricating tonight, if you couldn't tell.

Moving on... I went out to lunch w/ Ruth yesterday. What a wonderful time, I hadn't actually SEEN her in quite some time. We have such a strong bond with some subjects (Meru, Europe, high school) that I regard with such fondness, it's so great to just sit down and reminesce, as well as look towards the future. She also printed me off a nice 8"x10" of my favorite picture from my trip, which I have proudly displayed on my desk. So, good times after all.

It just seems like when I lose it nowadays, like tonight, I never actually lose my grip or my head. I stray from the path, but I never lose sight of home base. Besides, I can't win 'em all... roll with the punches and all that shite.

[Edit 11:02pm] Oh, and Millennium comes out in like an hour. Very nice. That and Boomtown and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Too bad I'm broke... too convenient that I have excellent credit.

"Hey, he lied to us through song! I HATE when people do that!"
So, in case you haven't seen me in the past week or so, I've been doing crazy things with my facial hair. I'm currently (almost) as smooth as a baby's behind, but here are some before and after pics for your enjoyment:

Take a peek...

Here (at CfA), I see examples from some of the people I encounter, examples of the type of socially anxious behavior that I'm trying to avoid/overcome. It serves as a sort of "this is what NOT to do" and it also helps to remind me that I've started on a progressive course that I can't turn back from. It's only a (short) matter of time until I leave this all behind me for good.

I've got my scheduled prepared for the fall semester (my last). I will be taking Basic Spanish II (Espanol represent!), British Lit II (better be more fulfilling/less incomprehensible than pt. 1), and my last psych. elective (Industrial/Organization Behavior). I have also enrolled 4 credits for my Honors Thesis, which will consist of helping Chris with her Masters' Thesis, as well 3 credits for some research experience with another professor that I had this past spring semester.

I'm shaving when I get home. This beard thing isn't really working out for me. Way too damn itchy and my skin is way too sensitive.

Just found out my cousin Jamie landed a teaching job at our old high school (Godwin). She'll be teaching English 10 & 11, as well as coaching a sport (either swimming or basketball). Supposedly they are starting her out a pretty decent salary as well. That's kind of mind-blowing to me... she goes to the University of Michigan and the University of Montana, just to end up back at her old high school. But you can't ask for a better English faculty to work with... I'll have to call Ruth (my old English teacher and chaperone to Europe) about this one.

The weird thing is... you make me be a man that I've never been before. Opening up potential that I never knew existed. I should stop with all these words, because words can hurt, even if it's in a good way... but it's hard to hide I feel. And to tell you the truth, I don't really want to. I want to shout it from the rooftops...

I LOVE THIS WOMAN!

I want you all to know something about me: I now use dressing on my salad. Currently ranch. Talk about unleashing hidden potential and breaking down walls.

This article intrigues me for multiple reasons. I think it's the fantasical, common-sense lacking, utterally romantic, and exhibitionist qualities to it... these are the types of insanely interesting things that I wished happened to me all the time.

Luckless Casanova trapped stark naked

Opening credits:	Thomas Newman - Dead Already
Waking up:	U2 - Beautiful Day
Average day:	Eels - Susan's House
First date:	No Doubt - New
Falling in love:	Aerosmith - Falling In Love (Is So Hard On Knees)
Love scene:	Incubus - Here In My Room
Fight scene:	Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up
Breaking up:	Badly Drawn Boy - A Minor Incident
Getting back together:	Patsy Cline - Back In Baby's Arms
Secret love:	Melissa Etheridge - Meet Me In The Back
Life's okay:	Dashboard Confessional - Bend And Not Break
Mental breakdown:	Queen - I'm Going Slighty Mad
Driving:	Eve 6 - Open Road Song
Learning a lesson:	Cake - I Will Survive
Deep thought:	Tori Amos - Silent All These Years
Flashback:	Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road
Partying:	OutKast - Hey Ya!
Happy dance:	Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Home
Regreting:	Barenaked Ladies - Break Your Heart
Long night alone:	NIN - Something I Can Never Have
Death scene:	Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Death Is Not The End
Closing credits:	Dust Brothers f/ Tyler Durden - This Is Your Life

Your Life: The Soundtrack brought to you by BZOINK!

Just sent my parents the link to my Woohu journal. I'm tired of keeping them in the dark about what's up in my life... as much support as they've given me for god knows how long, it's the least I can do to show my appreciation.

Hi Mom.
Hi Dad.
Hi Georgia.
Hi Gary.

Love you guys.

Just found this kind of interesting...

Just taking a peek at my credit card bill, and looks like I only charged a little under $200 while in Puerto Rico. Granted, I took trips to Best Buy/Circuit City before and after the trip, so my bill is actually closer to $300, but those don't really count. :-) Factor in that my parents paid for my plane ticket, I had free room and board, and Meru's family made some delicious meals for me throughout the week... I figure that whole trip only set me back like $300.

Some of the best money I've ever spent.

for some reason, this one was incredibly confusing to me...
an X if its true, an _ if its false. add one of your own at the end.

(_) I have never been drunk
(_) I never have smoked pot
(_) I never have kissed a member of the opposite sex
(_) I never have kissed a member of the same sex *on the cheek I have*
(x) I never crashed a friend's car
(x) I have never been to Japan
(x) I never ridden in a taxi
(_) I never have had sex
(_) I never have been dumped
(_) I never shoplifted
(_) I never have been fired
(_) I have never cut myself on purpose
(_) I never have been in a fist fight
(x) I never snuck out of my parent's house
(x) I never have been arrested
(x) I never made out with a stranger
(_) I never stole anything from my job
(x) I never celebrated New Year's in Time Square
(x) I never went on a blind date
(_) I never lied to a friend
(_) I never had a crush on a teacher
(x) I never celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
(_) I never have been to Europe
(_) I never skipped school
(_) I never slept with a co-worker..hahahah!
(x) I never have thrown up in a bar
(x) I never have purposely set myself on fire
(x) I never have eaten sushi
(x) I never have been snowboarding
(_) I never have been happy with myself
(x) I never have met a movie star
(_) I never went to a prom
(x) I never bungee jumped
(_) I never have been to a pop concert
(_) I never have dated someone for over a year
(x) I never ate a mango
(x) I never killed anyone before ...or have i...
(x) I never went sailing
(_) I have never had a job
(_) I have never told someone how much they meant to me.
(x) I never have gone sky diving
(x) I never ran outside and danced in the street naked.
(_) I have never had a lesbian/gay close friend.
(_) I have never watched C-SPAN for over an hour.
(_) I have never been out of the country
(_) I have never made out in a carwash..
(x) I have never had cum come out of my nose during a blow job
(x) I have never gone night swimming with a hot person of the opposite sex
(_) I have never eaten peanut butter.
(_) I have never seen Citizen Kane all the way through.
(x) I have never broken a bone.
(_) I have never enjoyed eating veal
(x) I have never been whale watching
(_) I have never stayed up until 10 AM listening to music
(_) I have never seen real boobies
(_) I have never been happier in my life than I am right now
(_) I've never been involved with complete jackass

"Sometimes it's not what you did last night, but who you were with that makes all the difference."
Sweet, sweet wonderful internet. How have I missed thee? Let me count the ways.

My computer is STILL down, although I think we are getting closer to getting the borrowed motherboard to work. I am seriously comtemplating doing an "Office Space" to that tower when I finally break down and get a laptop at the end of the summer.

So, how am I? As well as can be expected, which sounds worse than it really it. But no matter how smooth it goes, saying "goodbye" to her is never easy. Initially, this time went off without a hitch, but like "Lost In Translation" or an Eddie Izzard stand-up, this ache ages and gets more potent with time. Not a lot to do for the time being except just waiting it out.

I wonder if it is healthy and wise to deny myself the things that I want under a continuing guise of... responsibiliity. I'm seeing an opening here, an opening for everything to fall into place (or blow up in my face, of course) but I feel the need to sit on it for a while longer. I'd like to say it's because I want to be sure, but that would be a lie; I'm quite certain.

Menards Aphorisms of the Week:
"Worry not about how you are percieved but how you perceive others."
"Whom we love best, to them we can say the least."
"Success in marriage is not so much a matter of finding the right person as it is being the right person."
"If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of itself."
"There are many things that we would throw away, if we were not afraid that others might pick them up."

... I think that's my thing: I'm afraid of losing you, without even having a go at it first.

Why no, I don't have a problem with instant gratification, why do you ask? Patience, Jason, patience. Still, the question remains:

How do you ask a person to wait for love?

P.S. Found the song I was looking for.
Read more..

I don't know why I find this unsettling, but George W. Bush and Sylvester Stallone were born on the same day; they both turned 58 yesterday.

So, I'm back. ::and the people rejoiced:: YEAAH!

It's good to be back. The end of my trip (i.e. the last couple days) kicked major arse, and I'm left with a happy outlook of life at present. All very good things.

I'd like to say more, but I still have to finish unpacking... another time perhaps.

I had a song picked out to post the lyrics of upon arrival back to the States and to a computer that, y'know, had a working mouse ;-) Before I left, I had decided on Dido's "Sand In My Shoes," but looking at it now, it really doesn't fit. Neither does the Dylan tune I picked out halfway through the week. Neither does Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out," which, yes dear, I broke down and bought within 3 hours of being back in MI (I bought a DVD during my trip to Best Buy as well; care to venture a guess? So whipped by sentimental purchases). So, I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and use my own words...


Thank you.

::big smile::
::passes out::

Listen, you (I) have to understand that what's happened is no one's fault. It's an intersection of a number of random occurences resulting in an outcome beyond anyone's preconceived notions. It is, is simplistic terms, called "really shitty luck."

All I'm doing is playing the cards I was dealt... I only wish that I could string together enough good hands to make a run for it.

I've always thought people who write fiction that is so loosely based on their own experiences to be uncreative, but you look at it, and this material is just too good to pass up.

So, the question remains:

"What do you do once you've had the best sandwhich you'll ever have in your life?"

You cherish and remember it? Or you begin a search for another sandwhich to replace it?

What do you think? Seriously, I want YOUR opinion...


BTW, what the fuck did you do to me tonight?

I feel like I'm being freed here, but maybe it's just wishful thinking...

Wow, what a day. Went out for the day w/ Meru and her uncle and got taken out to one of the surrounding islands, where we snorkeled for the majority of the time. Great fun, but my mask kept leaking water in, so I had to go up for air, and in the process got a crapload of water in my mouth... saltwater, mind you. The oceans down here are so beautiful, but I miss the taste of my freshwater lakes. Anyway, after that incredibly uncoordinated activity, we headed back to the mainland. So I'm sitting there, and the boat that's taking us is also transporting about a dozen others that were out there, and I look at a middle aged Puerto Rican lady smoking a cigarette and drinking a Heineken, and what is she wearing? A tourist-looking Kalamazoo, Michigan t-shirt... talk about freaky odds!

After that, we ate lunch, which was great... the cuisine down here is delicious. Better than the frozen pizzas I've been doing as of late back home. Then we went to another beach on the mainland as the sun was going down and read and relaxed for a bit. Drove down the road a bit, and found out that we were going to do some kayaking and that I'd have a little workout ahead of me... but it was amazing, it was one of the greatest experiences I've ever had in my life ("in the top 3" as Meruan described it). What made it so amazing was that once we got out into this lagoon, there are these bioluminescent organisms throughout the water that kind of remind of a firefly... but anyway, you move your hand or whatever in the water, and it creates this beautiful glowing stream wherever you moved the water. The best way I can think to describe it so far is a Japanese martial arts computer game like Tekken or something... how a colorful streak will follow behind a fast movement. These descriptions don't do it justice, but magical is the best word I can think to describe it. All this in the calm darkness under a full moon... I'm serious, so many images out of today have seemed like they belong in a movie.

I highly recommend coming down here... there's just so much picturesque beauty and everyone is so hospitable. Anyway, try kayaking as well. Very enjoyable, if not very difficult and stressful at times. A good workout either way. Still, I couldn't help but share Meru's fear as the current dragged us right smack dab in front of a seemingly huge motor boat barreling down on us.

It was just an amazing day.

Instant classic quote of the day:
(encountering some serious difficulty and lack of communication in the kayak)
Meruan: "This really doesn't bode well for our compatibility."
Me: "I disagree. To me it's a sign we are compatible... in fact that we aren't sports types."

...for too long...
Puerto Rican Denny's are amazing. We were in and out of there in less than 30 minutes, and that's including the 10 minutes I took up residency in the bathroom (don't ask.) And the food (i.e. the Meat Lover's Skillet) is good too.

I have the most uneven skin tone right now... it's a conglomeration of pale, tan, and burnt. I look like a friggin' candy cane right now. BTW, there is nothing greater than the feeling of aloe vera... well, almost nothing.

I'm going to give up now, and just give in... accomplish what I came here to.

Last night was... excellente. Puerto Rican Irish pubs are the only thing more impressive than the Denny's.

I have a feeling things are going to get a lot clearer in the next 24 hours.

there has never been a time when i didn't want to be your boyfriend/there has never been a time when i didn't want to know your name...
"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..."

So I'm off. For 10 days.

For those of you who don't already know, I'm off to Puerto Rico to visit Meruan, the love of my life.

You ever anticipated what you are going to write for a journal entry, and then when the situation arrises, you come up with something completely different? I know I'll be back at my scheduled arrival time back here in the States, the only question is a matter of what I come back with.

''Further down the river..."

I love you dear, and I can't wait to get there and see you again...

What makes you laugh?:	Monty Python (Bloody Peasant!)
Who is your hero?:	Spiderman??? I have role models, not heroes
Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?:	Meruan, because I think she's the only one I could handle it with
How many pairs of shoes do you own?:	::does a quick head count:: Like 7 (not including slippers)
Seriously... Where does the other sock end up?:	The underpants' gnomes... they have cousins, y'know
Who do you blame for your mood today?:	Myself
If the Internet were sex... I would:	Refresh
Have you ever seen a dead body?:	I watch Six Feet Under regularly, does that count?
What is something scientists need to invent?:	A tomato/tobacco plant hybrid... oh wait, nevermind... SIMPSONS DID IT!
What should we do with stupid people?:	Send them to Home Depot
Have you ever broken a bone?:	Not as of yet, but the night's still young
Do you watch local news? Why?:	No, becasue it depresses me (sorry, that answer was a little too serious...)
What happens after you die?:	Nothing
How big is your bed? Big enough?:	It's a full-sized waterbed... it's big enough for me, and that's all that really matters ;-P
How long do you think you will live?:	Age 82

Random Thought Provokers brought to you by BZOINK!

Listen, this entry didn't go quite I planned (not unlike everything in my life that I can remember for quite a while now), but I'm not going to let Joe's stupid piece of shit mouse which conviently deletes every one of my important enteries... I'm not going to let all that stop me. I accomplished three big things today, and despite the fact that I'm pissed and anxious and stressed like I have been the past couple of weeks (and for, like, a huge chuck of 2004 before that)... like I said, I'm not going to deny the importance of said things. I've come way too far and I'm so close to this thing being over (I hope...).

My absolution is coming, so don't fucking get in its way. But anyway, the 3 things:

1) I once again became comfortable playing with the kids af CfA.
2) I changed a flat tire all by myself.
3) I turned in an Application for Graduation Audit.

You may not know exactly how important these things are, but that's ok, as long as I realize it, things are fine.

Now, fuck the rest... I have some serious packing to do.

So, I'm sure this is just an empty threat and I'll get over it after my vacation, but lately I've been considering a change of employment. As much as I can enjoy Menards at time and how cushy I have it there, there's been too many complications there lately, and most of a personal nature. With some people, I feel too involved with, and with others, I couldn't feel a larger void from. See, the thing you have to understand about the Kalamazoo Menards is that its workers are by and large, incredibly independent and self-focused. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great people who work there, some included in the aforementioned group, but I've always felt (and this might be in some part to the size of the staff there) that there a good number of pre-formed cliques, usually orignating (and segregating) within departments. It's hard to explain it here, but I think "snobbish" is a good word to describe a good deal of the people who work there. I may feel comfortable in my department and with handfuls of other people in the store, but other than that... I don't know, maybe I'm just being picky, but I never quite had this same issue at any of my previous employers. We'll see what happens.

Things to do before I leave:

1) Pack
2) Try and get some of this school stuff out of the way so I don't have to worry about it while I'm gone
3) Drive the Saabster home and hitch a ride to the airport from Mommy #2
4) Put together the media rack I got for my father and get it filled
5) Hang out with Jason (and Tony, I'm sure) on Sunday
6) Get someone to work for me on Sunday so I can meet Chris for thesis work
7) Crawl the rest of the way through what has been a very crappy period at work
8) Rent and watch Secret Window, The Cooler, and Bad(der) Santa.
9) See Fahrenheit 9/11 with Mike???
10) Talk to Leeder before I leave
11) Burn (her) CD

"Women make the greatest psychoanalysts... until they fall in love. Then they become the greatest patients." Alfred Hitchcock's Spellbound
So, I played around w/ HTML some more and figured out how to make my awesome background work better with my journal format. Check it out.

I don't know why I'm doing this ("this" being ******* ***). It might be for you. It might be for myself. Either way... for you, I want everything to be perfect. I don't want to waste one second of our time.

So I went to Best Buy AND Circuit City this evening with an urge to spend... and went home empty-handed. I think it has something to do w/ restraint, a lot to do with nothing looking particulary alluring, and a fair amount to do with my mood and my goals for the week. "Driven" best describes me of late.

I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo these past few weeks, waiting for the next phase to start up. There were signs that this transformation was about to begin, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm waiting by the door with the car running, I just need the wife to get out of the bathroom.

How could I manage to convince myself for so long that it was instrumental for my emotional welfare to stunt the one thing that I'm most proficient in. No wonder sometimes it feels like I wasted a lot of time. Yet I know it wasn't wasted, because I've gleaned from each of those moments a little bit of guidance and knowledge.

Pistons 100, Lakers 87
::stands and claps:: Go Pistons! Well done indeed. A entertaining finish to an entertaining series, and I'm glad I was able to be a part of it.

You know, over the years, I've scaled back my fanship when its came to sports for a great number of reasons (lack of time, going to college, falling out of favor with UofM, simply growing up), but it's so refreshing to come back to a situation like this and find myself fitting right back into the groove and into the persona. There's just something about being part of a bigger picture, sharing the same elation and defeat with countless others, that provides such a sense of purpose... it all just makes it so incomprehensible when someone suggests it's "just a game."

I'm proud to be a sports fan, and more specifically, tonight I'm glad to be a Detroit sports fan.

EEEEEEEE!!!!
So, I've been perusing this site here that has an extremely comprehensive list of every television show every made, and also lists which of those are available on DVD. And I'm browsing through, looking for some favorites, and what do I learn, but that two of my favorites (Boomtown(!!) and Millennium(!!!)) are coming out of DVD, both on the same day (July 20). No, it is doesn't bother me that TV/DVDs can bring me this much excitement. For you Chris Carter fans out there, Harsh Realm is also coming later this year (Aug. 24, I do believe).

Needless to say, that is 80-some-odd dollars that my mom is never going to see...

This all is too much to take... and after the pleasant development earlier tonight, I'm about ready to overload. What a kick-ass day.