Back In The Saddle
Well, now that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Good timing though.

I don't really know what to tell you. I don't want to share my insecurities, and I don't really want to gloat about my victories.

Two weeks to go 'til I get out of here... can't wait.

I'm taking this trip one slow, cautious step at a time towards a place that I wouldn't go so far as to call "perfection," but close. "Self-disciplined" isn't the best term for it, but it's the first that comes to mind.

I've been reading a lot more lately, and I'm getting a lot of new perspectives on things. I'm learning how to "rip my eyes out," if you will.

He's en fuego today! (with the updating)
I share a couple of interesting articles for your intellectual consumption. First one's about a recent theory that Michaelango (not the Ninja Turtle) was autistic.

Did Michelangelo Have Autism?

This second one brings up some good (liberal) POVs. I really responded to the point about Dubya's recent crass act in placing Saddam's gun in display at the White House. What possible historical value does this item possess, other than reminding us of the selfish and personal reasons that our leader got us into to and perpetuating a national focus on hate and violence...

Read more..

Takers???
So, for those of you who ARE left...

Sarah McLachlan
With opening act Butterfly Boucher
Tuesday, August 24, 2004 at 8:00PM
Van Andel Arena®
Tickets go on sale Friday, June 4th at 10:00AM
Ticket prices are $45, $55 & $65

Also, I'm starting to give some thought to my proposed camping trip up to Ludington. Everyone's invited... as long as you don't suck that is :-) j/k. I'm thinkin the weekend of July 24th. Maybe drive up Friday afternoon (the 23rd) and come back Sunday the 25th. That'll give everybody enough time to get the time off of work and the such.

I would more than appreciate any input into any of these plans. :-D

Goodbye...
Hey, guess what...

Andy is no longer "still here." Hehe. As "aren't" Jeremy, Krystal, Steve, Melissa, Smitty, Lindsey, and Elizabeth. Peace.

I'm still here, and I'm glad you are too.

i'm wide awake!...
So, I've decided after much deliberation while hugging toliet seats that lately I've been drinking too much. Not so much the frequency, but instead the amount. I know my limits, and I've kinda been barreling through them lately. But I promise, it's not my fault... it's my friends who keep shoving fresh shots in my hands and beer bongs in my mouth. Oh well. All in good fun.

A horribly wasted evening boiled down to drunken manly hugs and reassurances of how much we all "miss each other." Sometimes the simpliest sentiments arise out of a big load of bullshit and wasted time.

Is it normal that everybody keeps asking me how my love life is going? My insecure side wants to retort, "Why, am I behind schedule or something?" Instead, it's just friendly concern, I'm sure. I don't know, there are some possibilities out there and we'll see what happens, but there are some roadblocks set up that have to be dealt with... that is, if I want them dealt with. Part of it is that I'm not sure if I'm ready, if another relationship is the best thing for me right now, etc. But I do know what makes me happy... Also, there's a lot of fear. First, it was fear of getting hurt again. Then, I saw the flip side of the coin and I began being concerned about me hurting yet another. But it's both. There was never any possibility of me being detered from getting back up on the horse, but the hesitancy to do so is slightly more than I planned for. It feels like I'm slowing creeping out into traffic at an intersection, my peripheral vision blinded, worried and waiting to get blindsided...

Car accidents as metaphors come to me easily for some reason. :-P

I look around to a lot of my acquiantances and even some of my friends and I really don't like how they are living their lives. It's their life and I mind my own business, as I should, but it's troubling. And it seems many of the people I know who are making the right decisions are far and few between as well as far away.

Seems like every month this year, there's been a couple descriptors that pinpoint my attitudes for the month, usually one good and one bad. I'd say this month is malaise and happiness.

I've spent a lot of time training, practicing, preparing. I'm ready...

What's left to be said? I look back at everything and think "what the hell just happened there?"

I won't go so far as to say normalcy sucks, but it sure as hell is quite boring. I need something/someone to hold my interest for a little while.

Wake up. Work. Eat. Drink. Sleep. Rinse. Repeat.

when i have nothing to say/my lips are sealed/say something once/why say it again?
I don't think anybody who reads my journal had the awesome pleasure of experiencing Blonde Redhead opening for Red Hot Chili Peppers and Foo Fighters at Van Andel back in 2000, I believe it was, but I got a chuckle out of this. If you aren't in the know, this is the band that basically got booed offstage by 10,000+ people, and whose lead singer I described as "an Asian Courtney Love on crack." Good times...

Worst opening band ever.

Speaking of Van Andel: According to Pollstar, Sarah McLachlan is coming there on August 24. More info on that as it comes in.

There was some point during the conversation tonight where I just gave myself into what I was fighting against. I've tried so hard to make my verbal behavior smoother and... more in control is the best way I can state it. But perhaps those other people who are listening don't care about any of that, and it might be part of the reason that they associate with me.

I just don't have passionate conviction of many things lately. Things I believe in yes, but little that profoundly moves me. Yeah, there's the old standbys like love... and well, love, but I can only write about that so much before it gets old.

I'm just sick of sugar-coating everything that comes out of my mouth. And opening my mouth to say something to pacify the other person... to reply just for the sake of replying and because I feel the need to make it known I'm not ignoring the other person.

These damn journal enteries aren't helping me anymore. Seriously though, I promise you, I'm happy nowadays... just not here.

Several page entry deleted because Joe's mouse is so goddamn awkward.

Everything that could go wrong in the past week has.

Fuck my luck.

I did good tonight. I did good tonight, right? This is either a sign, or a sign I drank too much.

Some days things fall into place. I want to live here forever.

whatever i can do, i will, cause i'm good like that...
It's someone's birthday today (I think), but I can't remember who... so, Happy Birthday _____.

I need a good book to read, anybody got any ideas?

How's this for a fun summertime excursion? A camping trip. My grandma has a trailer up at this place in Ludington and I'm sure we could get a lot for a weekend or whatever and have a good time (far enough away from any of my relations, so as not to have them think any less of me hehe). It's overlooking a lake, and is within a short driving distance of Lake Michigan, and it's got a pool, AND a shuffleboard court! I'm not normally a camping fan, but I think this would be really fun. Maybe like mid-June before I leave for my other trip, or sometime in early to mid-July after I get back. Let me know what you think...

Steve Martin - Shopgirl
Steve Martin (the actor) is a really good writer. At the very least, he writes about and in a way in which I really respond to. He's only has two fiction works out, the aforementioned and a novel entitled "The Pleasure of My Company"; I can't remember identifying more with a book and its protagionist since High Fidelity. Anyway, I just wanted to jot down a few quotes from the novella that really jumped out at me. I actually did the same for "The Pleasure of My Company" but it ended up being so long that I just posted it as private.

pg. 37 - "... it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart."

pg. 42 - "This information, this anecdotal training in the understanding of (love), gleaned from experience, books, advice, and mostly hurt feelings... fits in no previous compartment of his experience, and he has created a new memory bank just for housing it all. This memory bank is a jumble. It is not coherent. Occasionally his more rational mind will venture in and try to arrange it, like a boy cleaning his room. But just when everything is in its place, the metaphor holds and two days later the room is a mess."

pg. 117 - "Jeremy doesn't understand Lisa's aggressiveness but he doesn't need to. And neither does his recently elevated consciousness. There is no way the tranquil waters in which his brain floats so serenely can also calm two testicles of an unattached twenty-seven-year-old male.

pg. 121 - "She hits bottom. She dwells in the muck for several months, not depressed exactly, but involved in a mourning that at first she thinks is for Ray, but soon realizes is for the loss of her old self."


Today's Word of the Day:
Pro-pin-qui-ty - n. 1) nearness of blood; kinship 2) nearness in place or time; proximity.

After watching the entire first season of "Penn & Teller's Bullshit" (for the premium cable-ignorant, it's a show hosted by P&T debunking such things as alien abductions and diet schemes and the like, think Investigative Reports/Dateline on crack... and if you don't know who P&T are, I don't want to associate with you in the first place...)

What the hell was I saying... oh yeah, conclusions... I've reaffirmed the fact that there is a difference between having a problem or shortcoming and being ignorant about it, and having one and denying its existence. I'm aware of what areas I'm strong in and in which areas I lack, so now I'm able to be secure in said areas and conversely, not become insecure when my proficiencies in those other areas come under question by others.

This kind of ties into a resurgance in my ego. My self-confidence level has always been a rollercoaster ride, peaking and valleying, but rarely finding a quiet norm. I think I'm finding that as of late, while attempting to err on the side of too much rather than too little, simply because, well... I deserve it. I didn't work this hard to be a "joiner," to be average, to follow the rest of the group and die without making my voice heard ("There's nothing worse than being ordinary" M.S. from A.B., so on and so forth).

There's just not a lot for me to be seriously worried about at this point in my life, and I think I'm starting to realize that.

Err... sorry about last night. Just had a little lonely spat there that lasted a couple days. It was like a cold, I guess. I suppose I'll catch one here and there every once and a while. Got smashed last night, I haven't been that drunk since my b-day (haven't puked since then either... and NO, it wasn't on my bed, thank you very much). Started as just a couple beers, and before we knew it, the Jager was broken out. Weather is good and so is work. I'm having a lot of trouble with this journal lately because I don't really have anything of importance to say, and writing about trivial stuff may not bore you, but it sure as hell does me. No huge revealations as of late... at least none that I can remember.

I would like to think of something new to say... but I suppose it's all out there now. Which of course means that I need to go out and cook up some more stuff.

Have you ever been lonely without the loneliness?

Have you ever been sad without the sadness?

Have you ever felt incomplete knowing that you were still complete?

This is how I feel tonight. This is one of those nights where I should be out and about doing something insanely interesting with a group of people, but everything's so fractured. I have people in different cities, different states, even different countries, but no one here out on my back porch with me.

Sometimes I have trouble believing that I will ever truly find what I'm looking for, because what I'm looking for is so specific, so detailed, that I'm not entirely sure it's out there.

Eh, it's all good. I just have trouble describing myself sometimes, you know? There's so much there, I just don't know how to whittle it down...

The plane ticket has been purchased, natch.

once upon a time, they called me the bleeder...
OK, so before, I babble on for a bit about this intense day that I've had... here's a snippet from a conversation between Amanda and Joe (under my screen name) that pretty much sums everything up:

Fanelia12 (12:44:28 AM): so have you guys done anything BESIDES get drunk? lol
TaoMan1121 (12:44:35 AM): Not yet.

OK, I feel better now that that's out in the open...

There's these two categories of people. FIRST, understand that there is no one better group than the other, but of course, I am going to be biased towards the group that I'm a part of. These groups are the people who feel too much, and the rest who don't. These people who wear their hearts out on their sleeves looking for that magical "one" who will take them far away and ease all their worries, etc. etc. They are so wonderfully compassionate and true and sympathetic you can't help but feel so awfully bad for them when they can't find what they are looking for. It's what we are all looking for, that other person that completes us, some are just more adament about it than others. The problem is that the fact that they feel so much more leads them to a place where they are much more likely to feel an immense amount of pain by allowing themselves to "bleed" for others, in most situations towards those who would never bleed the same for them in return.

I use to be a "bleeder" and in many ways I still am, but everything's different now, and I feel like I'm stuck in the middle between these two groups, trying to ease the suffering of the ones who are dying slowly without the one that they believe will complete them, and those who just can't be concerned w/ any of this. I want to tell the people who are too focused on themselves to get a grip and bring themselves to a larger picture, and at the same time, bring the "bleeders" out of their stupor and give them a basis of belief in themselves so they can find a firm backbone to live their life w/out dying for another. Show them what I have learned, the all-so-new knowledge that I'm holding onto for dear life. By the way, it's not going to leave me, but just the thought that it could terrifies me. Anyway, this isn't about me.

This is completely off topic, but thank you SO very much for that info. I finally feel like we are an equal footing... I know what I'm dealing with here, not that it really means anything anyway, but it's nice to know. Best of all, it simply reaffirms everything that I had already known already. My inituation fucking rocks... I am so smart, I am so smart, S A M R T... DOH! I mean, if I was right about this, hell, I could have been and probably was right about everything else. Go me!

I'm so damn blessed and lucky and rationale right now, I could puke. Listening to two of my closest friends spout their troubles and their pain out onto me, listening to another repeatedly drunkingly reaffirm their love for me, re-realizing everything that I absolutely cherish about my life (e.g. windy late-night drives, X-Files), holding onto my pain and my grudges and my needs and my wants but giving them up at the end of the day, knowing that I'm going to see my parents tomorrow, optimistic of the many opportunities on the horizon, all this fucking bullshit, it just makes me come to the conclusion that...

I'm really hungry.

---------------------------------------------------------

I should really change my e-mail address. It doesn't apply anymore.

---------------------------------------------------------

Are you learning anything from this? You better be, you've got long to go...

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure, but don't worry... you will someday

Part One:

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
On the coast of the Aegean Sea in Greece.

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
My nike shorts I sleep in and my black w/ white stripes polo-type thing.

3. FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Breasts.

4. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?
Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Love Bad News

5. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
At my back porch or on campus when no ones around (hey, like now)

6. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
Work... but I still like my job. It makes sense, I promise.

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
Neck... that's where I keep all the tension.

8. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?
Mind over matter.

9. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Averages out to around 9-9:30.

10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
Dishwasher. So clean.

11. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?
People who don't think about other people's feelings before acting or speaking.

12. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Piano.

13. FAVORITE COLOR?
Blue

14. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUVs?
Sports cars... Jaguars and BMWs=drool.

15. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
Yes... it's hard to explain.

16. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
Sesame Street's There Is a Monster @ the End of this Book

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Summer

18. WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
Cleaning the shower.

19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The super power to destroy over-used survey questions.

20. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
Ouroboros on my right shoulder.

21. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Negative.

22. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?
Besides Stef? Kerri Lynn from 4th grade... tell her that I liked her, see her kid, and figure out what's happened in the past decade.

23. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Saturday.

24. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
An empty gas-can, a six CD changer, some blankets, an emergency work polo, etc.

25. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Hamburger... duh.

Part Two:

1. What do you look like?
Moving on...

2. What song best describes your life?
Let's try something new. Radiohead's "Everything In Its Right Place."

3. Cake or pie?
Apple pie a la mode.

4. What book are you currently reading?
I've got to pick a new one out actually... any suggestions?

5. One place you'd like to visit that you've never been?
California and Japan.

6. Coffee or tea?
Neither.

7. What car do you own?
'94 Saab 900S

8. What famous person would you like to meet?
Gillian... do you have to ask?

9. Favorite holiday?
Christmas.

10. DVD or VHS?
I'm going to name kid DVD... boy or girl.

11. What's in your closet?
Your mother.

12. What singer, dead or alive, would you like to see perform?
Jimi Hendrix.

13. If you won a million dollars, how would you use it?
I'd buy a fir coat, but not a real fir coat, that's cruel.

14. What sports do you watch?
March Madness, NCAA and NFL football, and whatever game/race is on for Rob and I to watch on Sunday's.

15. The last three movies you watched?
Kill Bill 2, an ep. of X-Files (close enough), and Big Fish later tonight.

16. Favorite exercise?
Oxymoron.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
Very, very far away.

18. Favorite alcoholic drink?
Long Island Iced Tea, Killian's, and your mother.

19. Ever had an encounter with the supernatural?
Does your mother count?

20. What's your fantasy pet?
::resists temptation to make it a three-peat:: A walrus, goo-goo-ja-choob.

21. What would you like to say to those you are sending this to?
If you can't see why I am the way I am, then I don't want to associate with you... you're taking time away from the people who do understand me, or at least pretend to.

Grades
Never, ever, underestimate my ability to bullshit. I present to you, my final grades for Hell Semester 2004. Erm, I mean Spring. None of that anticipated crap, this is what is going on the transcript.

Boo-yah!

SPAN 100 Basic Spanish I - BA
PSY 460 Survey of Behavioral Analysis - BA
ENGL 330 British Literature I - B
PSY 397 Psychology Practicum - A
PSY 397 Human Sexuality - A

That rounds out to a nice 3.59 GPA for the semester, and only brings my overall down to a cool 3.71. About what I expected, except I thought the Spanish and Brit Lit grades were going to be switched, which is actually a good thing because Spanish is worth one more credit. Still don't know where I pulled that one from. Although I don't know where I pulled most of this semester from. When I wasn't working too much, I was drinking, and when I wasn't drinking, and most often when I was, I was depressed. When I wasn't any of that, I was procrastinating like a fiend. I lucked out, so I'm grateful for that. I haven't been lucky in quite some time, so that's cool.

Joe's slowly moving in... that's tight.
I'm getting a shitload of hours so far.
I get to watch Big Fish tonight.
Etc. etc.
Good times.

I'm forgetting something... I'll be back.

News Flash from imdb.com:

Duchovny Says 'X-Files' Movie To Start Filming Within a Year

David Duchovny indicated Wednesday that a second X-Files motion picture is moving closer to realization. The longtime star of the Fox TV series (1993-2002) told TV Guide's online site: "I think [the movie] definitely will happen. ... [X-Files writers] Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz have an idea they like. They keep threatening to tell me [about it], and I wish they would." Duchovny said that the two writers have just begun turning out the screenplay, "and we'll be doing it within the next year." The actor also disclosed that a "big-name" star will also be brought aboard for the movie, someone "who can really score in a great thriller/sci-fi role. ... So I hope that takes the [movie] toward the [TV show's] fans but also toward new fans at the same time."

All I've got to say to that is... EEEEEE!!!

Also, I'm you're around the television this evening, turn into PrimeTime on ABC @ 10pm. There's going to be a story about a couple who have three children that have all been diagnosed with autism. It's about their story, and from what I've been told, it's suppose to go into ABA (applied behavior anaylsis) as a means of treatment... which if you've lived in a shack for the past year, is what I'm doing at Western. I'm taping it as well, so anybody who has any interest in the subject, I'd be more than happy to share. Thanks. Here's some more info about it:

If you click me, I'll give you a cookie...

"I've been talking drunken gibberish/falling in and out of bars/trying to get some explanation/for the way some people are." David Gray, "Sail Away"

So, now that that's over... I just need to see if I can remember how to relax. So far, so good.

So, talking to with them the past few days... I want to thank Christa and Meruan from the bottom of my hearts for their forgiveness. Attempting to come to grips about my past mistakes in relationships, and I came to the conclusion that while I didn't intentionally try to hurt them, I could have handle the situation with both of them quite a bit better during and in the aftermath of the summer of 2002. It touches me, especially in the case of Christa, to see her accept the past and once again become a really good friend. Her maturity(!!!) provides me with a lot of inspiration and strength.

Feels so weird to use proper names in an entry again, insead of the obligatory and cryptic pronoun "you." In my defense though, a good deal of those enteries weren't necessarily directed at a single person, but the world in general. Oh well.

I think I'd got this "binge and purge" rountine going on with my anxiety. For example, I'll fight it off as hard as I can for a period of time, and then, when the stress piles up too a certain level (which is where I found myself in the midst of this exam week), I let go, better yet, suck in all that pent-up anxiety, and I go off a mini-deep end and just freak out about everything.

Anyway, know what I'm going to do tomorrow? Sleep, nothing, nothing, movies and then hit up a couple end-of-semester/birthday parties... Joe, hurry up and get over here so we can kick this summer off.

Rock on.

BOTB X
So every year around the time school gets out, I take the time out to make a mix tape(s) of songs that were my favorite, most meaninful, overall best, etc. in the past year. It's a varied and sure to be suprising list, but these are the best songs of the past year (and in most cases, they weren't released in the past year) in my opinion. Or better put... they are the most meaningful. It's the closest thing I can construct to a soundtrack of my life. It's an extremely personal list (I have qualms even posting it), so don't comment unless it's a positive one (I like those :-P). Enjoy.

50) Santa Esmeralda - Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood
49) Gary Jules - Mad World
48) Tomoyasu Hotei - Battle Without Honor or Humanity
47) Pink Floyd - One Slip
46) T.A.T.U. - How Soon Is Now?
45) Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart
44) Eric Clapton - I Get Lost
43) Incubus - Here In My Room
42) Elliott Smith - Needle In The Hay
41) Sheryl Crow - The First Cut is the Deepest
40) Coldplay - Everything's Not Lost
39) Audioslave - I Am The Highway
38) Sarah McLachlan - Stupid
37) Eels - Dirty Girl
36) The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
35) Talking Heads - Heaven
34) The Jesus & Mary Chain - Just Like Honey
33) Ben Folds - The Luckiest
32) No Doubt - Running
31) Tori Amos - Me and a Gun
30) Modest Mouse - 3rd Planet
29) Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities
28) George Thorogood & The Destroyers - One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer
27) Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl?
26) No Doubt - Simple Kind of Life
25) The Turtles - So Happy Together
24) Jeff Buckley - Hallejuah
23) Badly Drawn Boy - I Was Wrong/You Were Right
22) Celine Dion - It's All Coming Back To Me Now
21) Incubus - Sick Sad Little World
20) 19 Wheels - Really Stupid Girl
19) A Perfect Circle - The Nurse Who Loved Me
18) Bob Dylan - Not Dark Yet
17) Modest Mouse - Here It Comes
16) Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
15) Eels - Love of the Loveless
14) Counting Crows - Colorblind
13) OutKast - Hey Ya!
12) Van Morrison - Moondance
11) Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - People Ain't No Good
10) ELO - Mr. Blue Sky
9) The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love
8) Badly Drawn Boy - A Minor Incident
7) The Pretenders - I'll Stand By You
6) Johnny Cash - Hurt
5) Dido - White Flag
4) Tori Amos - Silent All These Years
3) Modest Mouse - Float On
2) Pink Floyd - Learning To Fly
1) Evanescene - My Immortal