"If I can't serve as a example, let me be a warning."
Today was normal. Normal is good.

I wonder if I'm going to be able to see you all again. I hope so.

Just finished the second and last paper for this semester. I love my work, but I hate writing them. But tonight went well, I just took my time and went with the flow. If I hit a block, I didn't stress out, and just waited for it to come back to me. "You have a gift. You should use that," my dad said to me last weekend in regards to my writing. I do enjoy creating things though... like babies. Just kidding.

TaoMan1121 (3:20:51 AM): i could make love to this chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream if it wasn't so damn cold...
ElentariMalore (3:21:51 AM): hee. eww.

I hate to tell you this, but I have a feeling that I'm only going to become progressively weirder in the near future as I become even more uninhibited. Just letting ya know...

i know you like to think your shit don't stink...
My last three tests have gone worse than I expected them to. And when I say I'm going to do below my average this semester, they will still be grades that some would give a nonvital organ for, but screw that, I've got standards that need to be maintained. In my world, Bs are Cs, and a C is a failure.

It doesn't help that a good number of people I interact with on a daily basis annoy the living shit out of me. I've tried to be accepting and empathtic to everyone in my life, to understand why they do the things that they do, but when the person next to you is shaking their head at the same time, their is a certain amount of assurance that you aren't just being an ass. Just a smack across and the face and a quick "STFU" is all I'm asking for here.

Almost there. I have a good feeling about this summer...

It's so weird. I can't put this mood into words. I've tried several times in the past couple of days, but every time I sit to write the words, nothing comes out. Ironic, Mr. Writer-Man being at a loss for words. What I can say though is I'm here. I'm good. I'm happy and accomplished and proud and... "at peace" is a good the best phrase I can attach to it (that just struck me). There have been so many chances to have the same emotional reactions to life as I always have, so maybe that's it. New responses to the stimuli in my life leave me calm, but unnverved. I've been feely floatly like Modest Mouse's new album and also sort of transient like Sigur Ros' (which I'm listening to right now). This is one of those enteries that I'm going to look back on and shake my head in disgust for wasting my time and sounding like a moron, but I just had to get something down.

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"Indeed, the oldest sex manuals in the world came from China, dating from approximately 200 B.C."

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?:
a tube of Triple Antibiotic Ointment

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
a couple episodes of "24" a few days ago

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is: 11:10pm

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 11:00pm

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
David Gray

7: When did you last step outside?:
Came in from work around 10:30.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?:
my email

9: What are you wearing?:
TMNT T-shirt and Nike shorts.

10: Did you dream last night?:
I think so, but I can't remember what.

11: When did you last laugh?:
Listening to Denis Leary in my car earlier today.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?:
A lot of posters.

13: Seen anything weird lately?:
I see weird things all the time.

14: What do you think of this quiz?:
It's holding my interesting, but I feel like I'm not committing to it.

15: What is the last film you saw?:
Matrix Relovutions last night... see previous entry.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
The rest of my X-Files seasons. :-P

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
I have a bruise on my arse from sliding down a stair rail today.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?:
I don't want that kind of responsibility, give it to someone else.

19: Do you like to dance?:
After a couple beers.

20: George Bush:
Overexposed.

21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
Samantha

22: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Bruce

23: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
If I knew the language, I'd do it in a second.

It's about not giving into myself. It's one isolated instance, but it's the one I'm dealing with at this moment. And I perservered, and that means everything to me.

I just finished watching "The Matrix Revolutions" a little bit ago. As suprised as I was on how the second film dropped so utterly in quality, I was equally suprised of how much I enjoyed the third one. Still, nowhere near the quality of the first one, but I honestly don't know why everyone hated it as much as they did. Very entertaining, the visuals were spectacular, and while the dialogue sucked a big floppy donkey dick, the story themes (one of the most important aspects of the trilogy to me) returned to the importance they had in the first.

My learned lesson in meaning, faith for the night, courtesy of Mr. Smith and Mr. Anderson:

"Why do you go on, why do you persist?"
"Because I choose to."

my thoughts were so loud/i couldn't hear my mouth...
You wouldn't know if you met me within the past few months, but I used to be a listener.

I've listened to three people vent on me in the past couple of weeks, and sitting there, watching them let go to varying degrees, made me the happiest I can remember in a while. I've spent these past few months constantly yakking about me and my situation, 1) because I needed to, 2) because I enjoyed the attention, and 3) because people asked for it. I was talking to a friend tonight and I couldn't get anything out. I thought it was because I was in a weird mood, which I was, but I realized after a while it had more to do with the fact that I've ran out... I've tapped the well dry. I can't state anything about myself that I haven't already said. It's all out there. It is what it is.

I don't want this to be about me anymore. I want to help you. Any and all. I'm offering an ear to anybody who would like to take me up on it.

I'm listening.

I'm going to share what just happened, and I'm sure it won't seem that significant... and in the grand scheme of things, I suppose it isn't, but nonetheless I thought it was pretty cool. I'm sitting in my Brit Lit class, wasting my time, occasionally attending to the substitute profesora (our normal is away at a conference). She was just plain horrible, and I spent the majority of the hour making one of my lists. Finally, I had a mini-epiphany: "Hey, I'm not benefiting from this lecture at all... I could just leave." So I did. Any hint of shame erased when I encountered a girl from my class who had left to go to the bathroom, and we chatted briefly about how bad the instructor was, and she told me she was planning on ditching the class as well.

I don't know, it just struck me as kind of profound... because it's something I just don't do.

Thanks for listening.

*edit @ 12:11pm* Check out the new avatar. Hehe. All I've got to say is... "Suck my dick, Wilson." ::winks at the only person who will get that inside joke::

So I'm cold. It's April the freakin' 6th... speaking in a weather sense, I despise this state. I've got other problems with it, but whatever. I have an oral exam for Spanish tomorrow. Can you say fucked? I'm listening to a mix tape I made for "a friend" a couple years ago... it's good stuff. ::thinks about topic not to be discussed here:: Hmm, that's still one of my few regrets... Anyway. Sorry to keep (most) of you in the dark. It's necessary, and it's not like anything has changed the past few days, besides my mood. Crazy ol' me... well, at least I'm not as crazy as South Park Mel Gibson... that man's nuts.

This is procrastination, right here. Two more weeks.

Hmm... you know what's a funny word? Papaya.

I'm giving serious consideration to the existence of male PMS, because that's the only way I can explain away this weekend. It's called Irritable Male Syndrome:

Read more...

A woman I know once explained me her experience with her hormonal imbalances as if "there were maggots crawling around inside her head." That's how I felt this weekend... just couldn't get a hold of anything. I'm feeling somewhat better today, but I still feel real "murky," hence my aforementioned mood.

I don't know, in the process of trying to eliminate all existence of negative feelings in my life, I've managed to pile on a great deal of self-blame when I do find myself in a bad mood. As if I'm not entitled to have such feelings... not to mention that as much as I tell myself not to, I've so far been able to not care about what you all think of me.

It all boils down to a momentary lapse of reason...

and nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way I do...
I'm off the wagon, and I'm hitchin' a ride. Don't worry, it'll go soon, I can already feel it leaving, but on the other hand, it's always there, so that's a relative statement.

I want to get out of here. I thought time served + good behavior, I'd be up for parole by now. I'm so fucking jealous of all you people on the outside, or at least those who believe they're on the outside. Don't mistake, I don't want company here, I just want to be out there with you. Ignorance is bliss. I want to be ignorant. So you have really deep thoughts, what's so special about really deep thoughts?

I forget what it looks like on the outside. 'Til then, visiting hours are 9-5, and if you show up at ten past 6, you know I'll find some way to sneak you in.

Fuck you for calling me and telling that, not once, but twice. How does that help me?

And fuck you for talking to me and making me feel better last night. I love you.

And fuck myself for dreaming.

You think that I want to feel this way. You think that I want to write these words? I could stop, but where the hell has my restraint got me up until this point? People will still walk on my fucking back if I let 'em. No wonder there's so many cynical people on this earth; I'd love to join you, but I don't know how.

There's just too much that time cannot erase. I sure hope I get released soon, because I'm sure am sick of looking at these goddamn bars.

First, the random stuff...

1) I have a feeling, or maybe it's just wishful thinking, that I'm going to look like Peter Gallagher when I go older. O.C. Peter Gallagher, not American Beauty Peter Gallagher. I think that would be cool.

2) In the same vein, with my P.G. good looks, I hope I have the personality of John Goodman to go along with it. Once again, Dan Connor J.G. not Big Lebowski J.G. He's a really good father.

I'm having a real tough time deciding how I want to deal with my approaches in conversation with the people I encounter in my life. It's like, I have a strong desire to be more direct and speak out a lot more, but I'm just really unsure how it would work out. Is it better to speak little and speak well or is it better to just throw a bunch of shit out there and hope some stuff sticks. I mean, in many ways, I enjoy pretenses in conversation... it almost turns it into an art, but on the other hand, I internalize a lot more when I keep my mouth shut. What it boils down is... Foreplay or no foreplay?

I don't know if any of that makes sense, but if it does, and you've got an opinion, do tell.

Leeder5421 (4:48:14 PM): my computer is pissing me off
TaoMan1121 (4:48:25 PM): i'm sorry... throw it out the window
Leeder5421 (4:48:34 PM): i will in a sex
Leeder5421 (4:48:40 PM): sec
Leeder5421 (4:48:51 PM): wow, now you know whats on my mind

Leeder5421 (4:54:49 PM): oh, and i'm going to sound like a hypocrite, but i love that new modest mouse song
TaoMan1121 (4:55:16 PM): fuck yeah... that's crazy, because i've had it on repeat for like 10 mins

I really need to figure out what I need for myself. I thought I knew, but avenues are closing, so I might have to adapt to my surroundings... again.

So the new manager(s) of Savannah Trace are complete morons. I shouldn't judge that quickly, but from what I've seen it doesn't bode well (not that the previous management was any better). You see, whoever writes up the various newsletters and bulletins for the tenets has the writing skill of approximately an 8th grader. I know that I'm a grammar/writing snob, but I'm sorry, when you are in a position of authority, and especially one that requires any sort of writing, you better well have got your English skills up to par, unless you want to make a fool of yourself. Anyway... here are some examples to shake your head at (I won't highlight the errors, I leave that task up to you):

"...if you do have an emergancy, please page pager number..."

"May is on of the most beautiful months of the year in the North Temperate Zone."

"...placed flowers on the graves of both Union and Confederate soldiers after the Civil War originated the custom."

"In 1966, however, the U.S. government proclaimed that waterloo, New York..."

"Some claim the custom of honoring war dead..." (no real error here, it just sounds retarded)

and my personal favorite, discussing "Bring Your Child to Work Day":

"Type up a professional looking checklist including all the activities the kids will participate in throughout the day; they can keep this as a momentum."

::thought break::

People are as good as their greatest act. I'm not saying forget the bad shit they do, but put it in perspective, and operate from the idea that if they were able to reach such a plateau at one time, they have the ability to reach it again.

What's your greatest act?

i try to scream/but it only comes out as a yawn...
I've been noticing a lot of pithy aprophisms on business signs lately. I share with you:

Back in GR, at the always entertaining Purity Glass: "A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking."

On Riverview, down the street from the Divine Institute of Metaphysical Research (in rear); I can't remember what the business is called: "Just remember, you're unique; just like everybody else." (punctuation added by editor)

And my current favorite, if I can remember it, ::thinks:: presently on display at Pasta Pasta downtown: "A crust eaten in peace is greater than a banquet taken in anxiety."

do you realize?/that everyone you know/someday/will die...
There's so many things that I want to say to a number of people. But it's not my place, or it's not the time, or it's just not appropriate. I'd like to think that I truly believe these people should know these things, that it's just not simply for my own benefit. Yet, I know how powerful words can be, and the things I have to say do not concern trivial matters. Maybe someday an opportunity will appear for stating said items, but I have to believe that I'm not just being a pussy about all this, and that I'm keeping these things to myself or a good reason. It's called "objective restraint" and it's something I've never had, up until now.

I drove home knowing I was going to be in a shitty mood tonight, expecting the worse, and here I find myself, sitting alone, drinking, and completely in tune with the world with the smile on my face. I never could have imagined what I was capable of achieving in such a short period of time, and what would still linger, still matter, after it was all said and done. And it's not done...

I wish I had someone here with me to enjoy this feeling, but the catch is, if someone was here, I probably wouldn't be having the feeling in the first place. This is how I'll share it with y'all.

George Thorogood & The Destroyers - I Drink Alone
I drink alone, yeah,
with nobody else
I drink alone, yeah,
with nobody else
You know when I drink alone,
I prefer to be by myself

Every morning just before breakfast,
I don't want no coffee or tea
Just me and my good buddy Wiser,
that's all I ever need
'Cause I drink alone, yeah,
with nobody else
Yeah, you know when I drink alone,
I prefer to be by myself

The other night I laid sleeping,
and I woke from a terrible dream
So I called up my pal Jack Daniel's,
and his partner Jimmy Beam
And we drank alone, yeah,
with nobody else
Yeah, you know when I drink alone,
I prefer to be by myself

The other day I got invited to a party,
but I stayed home instead
Just me and my pal Johnny Walker,
and his brothers Blackie and Red
And we drank alone, yeah,
with nobody else
Yeah, you know when I drink alone,
I prefer to be by myself

My whole family done give up on me,
and it makes me feel oh so bad
The only one who will hang out with me,
is my dear old granddad
And we drink alone, yeah,
with nobody else
Yeah, you know when I drink alone,
I prefer to be by myself

A lot happened yesterday. I don't have the time or inclination to list any of it. Suffice it to say it was one of the most lengthy, interesting, sad, pleasantly suprisingly, engaging, discomforting, weird, pointless, meaningful, insightful, and driven days I've experienced in recent memory.

Did I say my life was boring and predictable a couple weeks ago? What the hell was I thinking? :-)

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

Everything stop!!!

::world continues to move::
Damn... I didn't think that was going to work.

I have no idea what's going on...

Hey, I haven't updated this one in a while, so here you go...

Top 50 CDs
1) Pink Floyd - The Wall
2) Moby - Play
3) David Gray - White Ladder
4) Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile
5) Incubus - Make Yourself
6) Oasis - (What's The Story) Morning Glory?
7) Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
8) Foo Fighters - The Colour and the Shape
9) Cake - Fashion Nugget
10) Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP
11) Fiona Apple - When The Pawn...
12) Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar
13) The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
14) Eels - Beautiful Freak
15) Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
16) Garbage - Version 2.0
17) Modest Mouse - The Moon and Antarctica
18) Dave Matthews Band - Crash
19) Various - Songs in the Key of X
20) Pearl Jam - Ten
21) Tom Petty - Wildflowers
22) A Perfect Circle - Mer De Noms
23) Meat Loaf - Bat Out of Hell
24) Badly Drawn Boy - About A Boy Soundtrack
25) Beck - Sea Change
26) Dido - Life For Rent
27) Filter - Title of Record
28) Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill
29) Barenaked Ladies - Maroon
30) Nirvana - Unplugged In New York
31) Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense
32) Eve 6 - Horrorscope
33) Sheryl Crow - Tuesday Night Music Club
34) The Wallflowers - Bringing Down The Horse
35) R.E.M. - Automatic for the People
36) Sarah McLachlan - Mirrorball
37) Dashboard Confessional - A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar
38) Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf
39) Soundtrack - Vanilla Sky
40) Audioslave
41) Disturbed - The Sickness
42) Soundtrack - Moulin Rouge
43) Tenacious D
44) Blues Traveler - Four
45) Ben Folds - Live
46) Enigma - The Cross of Changes
47) The Verve Pipe - Underneath
48) Bush - Sixteen Stone
49) Hootie & The Blowfish - Cracked Rear View
50) Soundtrack - The Insider

This weekend was good, in the grander scheme of things, I suppose, but it was very unnerving. Thursday and Friday were great, just sitting at home watching basketball and reading a book. Saturday was a very weird day, started by going home to talk to my Dad about the car(s), only to find my stepmother in a shitty mood. Then went over to my Mom's, where she was already in a shitty mood, and after having a chat about finances and my long term plans for school and life, she kinda went off the deep end on me and picked a fight with me. Yeah, it was productive, but it was so scary to sit there in an argument with her, after such a long abscence, and see how influential she was in forming, well, all of my personality characteristics, but specific to this situation, the way she argues. The need to have a knockdown, all-out screaming match, the need to internalize everything about the fight, the need to retaliate and explain away every single statement, they all came from her. I've always believed that hey, all close relationships need an occasional quasi-screaming match to grease the wheels, to get some serious issues out (she instilled that in me as well), but now I'm no longer convinced. Issues should be addressed, but it can be done, the majority of the time, with effective communication and a level head. I sat there, talking with her, with a cool detachment, letting her get her shit off her chest, until she once again questioned my gratitude for what her and the rest of my parents have done for me. I was so pissed, having such an obscenely inaccurate fact questioned (I have no idea what I would do without them, and I've said that in this forum before), that I (almost) lost it. I sat there, getting emotional, and all I could think was, "Damn you for bringing me back into this, this is exactly what I'm trying to run away from." But I didn't lose it, I didn't yell, I didn't cry, and I just continued to let her vent, because it was well apparent that she needed it.

I have reservations posting this much family privacy for the whole world to see, but I've already wasted 20 minutes writing it, and hopefully it'll be a bit of purging process.

I love my mother more than words can describe, but I have to run away from who she is as fast as I can, because it is who I have been for the past two decades. When I've talked about running away from myself these past few months, this is the part I'm talking about.

P.S. "Eternal Sunshine" was spectacular, go see it.

Incubus - Make Yourself
If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow
If I hadn't assembled myself, I'd have fallen apart by now
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow
Powers that be, would have swallowed me up
But that's more than I can allow
Bow yeah, bow yeah
If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
Then you crumble and blow away
If you let them fuck you, there will be no fore-play
Rest assured, they'll screw you complete
Til your ass is blue and gray
You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
If I hadn't made me, I'd have fallen apart by now
I won't let them make me, It's more than I can allow
So when I make me, I won't be paper mache
And if I fuck me, I'll fuck me my own way
Pow! I'll, fuck me in my own way
Pow! I'll, fuck me in my own way
Pow! I'll, fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way
You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself

When you can't even carry your issues long enough to make it through a car ride home, feel confused and empty.

When you get severly pissed at the humanity for being insincere and uncaring, then realizes what a pointless thought process you're caring on, make yourself a midnight snack.

When you lose the drive to write a journal entry about it all before you walk in the door, give up and go to bed.