None

French Guard
I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous
accent, you silly king-a?!


What Monty Python Character are you?
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i tried to kill the pain, but only brought more...
"Ignore everyone, and whatever happens, happens. It's life and you can only do so much." - Joe Burgess

Thank you Joe. That's exactly what I needed right now. It's such simple advice, but it hits home so well. Simplicity has never been a strength of mine. I've come to conclusions, challenged prior concepts and beliefs, and then have requestioned it all. I'm done. Instinct is behind the wheel now, and I'm going to make some mistakes along the way because of it, but that's life. Maybe without the scurtiny, I might actually find a way to make less. I'm done second-guessing myself. I've spent the past couple of months attempting to pull togehter all the answers, only to discover I'm much farther than when I started. But in a way I am, because I am learning that there are few universal and absolute truths, learning that there is that extensive gray area that encompasses the spectrum between black and white.


I'm sorry, I'm more sorry than you could imagine. I don't want it to be like this anymore than you do. I don't have all the answers you are looking for, I'm just trying to bullshit my way through this little thing called life. I don't know how to proceed from here, I don't know how to heal the wounds that I've inflicted upon you. My intention was never to hurt you.

"I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real..."
- Evanescence, My Immortal

Oh, Why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes.
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through,
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess,
could make me love you less.

I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you.
Won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.

So,
If you're mad, get mad.
Don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
But hey, what you've got to hide?
I get angry too,
But I'm a lot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads,
Don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along.
Cause even if you are wrong...

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
And when,
When the night falls on you baby
You're feeling all alone
Walking on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I`ll stand by you

I feel really, really good. I can't remember the last time I've felt this in control of myself and my life. I suprised myself so much this weekend. My actions and reactions to the week's events. I'm not done yet, of course I'll never be done, but I say right at this point I'm about halfway there. Some little kinks that need to be ironed out, but the beautiful thing about this personality overhaul is that the farther I get, the easier it becomes to deal with the rest. And that's what it is. I think, for me anyway, it's necessary to completely overhaul the person you are to adapt to where you are at that point in your life. My last one came at the turn of the century, so that's 3 and 1/2 years, yeah it was time for another. I'm so glad that I started the diet; it's the smartest thing I've done in a long time. Such a positive self-image right now. Good decisions. Decisions period.

It's a work a progress, but I'm shaping up pretty well.

Stef, you remember when I told you about the person I really am when we were having trouble at school? This is him. Normally, I'd second guess myself and question how long this is going to last, but I'm not going to worry about it. I'm not afraid anymore.

So, I'll get the crappy thing out of the way first. I arrived home from the evening's festivities, attempting to be extra special super quiet because my dad told me my step-aunt would be sleeping on the couch. I discover she is not on the couch, but instead in my bed... grr. I mean it's their house and all, but he told me that she would be sleeping on the couch and then reneged on it. I mean, there's no apparent reason that she should need my bed unless she has a doctor's note that says she can't sleep on couches. So now I'm trying to cook up reasons why I should be pissed about it and things that I need in there... so far all I have is my CDs and my mesh shorts. Oh well.

Now for the good stuff. Concert was friggin' spectacular... god I love the Foo Fighters. Started off shitty, it was supposed to start at 7:30 and the very decent opening band whose name escapes me at the moment... ::checks online:: The Jealous Sound didn't come on until 8:10, which worked out spectacular (insert sarcasm here) because we had to get to Blodgett by 11pm for Stef's MRI. They were good, but Stefanie's cold starting to kick her ass, so we had to go up in the seats. Worked out good though, still had a pretty good view and I was straight across this fellow I used to work with at Studio 28. Didn't say hi though... I have a strange tendency to not acknowledge those chance meetings if I didn't know or really care about the person. Anyway, good songs, Dave Grohl is hilarious and all that. Monkey Wrench and Stacked Actors made me want to splooge myself, etc. etc. We had to leave before the encore in order to make it to the hospital on time, and we did after driving around construction of the city (gotta love GR roads). MRI went without a hitch once we got the paperwork straightened out. For some reason, I really like hospitals, just the atmosphere. That sounds morbid, but I have very few aversive memories to associate with hospitals, and that's probably a good thing. Anyway, I'm sick of updating (I had planned a short entry stating "Tonight was a good night" but I figured I should offer something a little more meaty). Well, I'm going to read a bit then hit the hay IN TYLER'S ROOM... hehe, I'm fine, I promise.

"It's times like these you learn to live again..."

if you come back here, i'll fix the place up...
The Meijer blood pressure/health information station told me I was in good shape today... I share my stats.

Blood Pressure - Systolic: 120 (Normal)
Blood Pressure - Diastolic: 65 (Optimal)
Pulse: 65
Health Rating: Excellent
Health Risk: Very Low
Body Mass Index: 23.4
Weight (before emptying the contents of my pockets): 164
Weight (after emptying the contents of my pockets): 163

That weight suprised the hell out of me... that would mean that I've lost a good 7-10 pounds as of late. Groovy.

Also found out that we got our apartment for the fall, we just have to take care of the paperwork when they call and we are good to go.

I cleaned for like two hours today. The upstairs of my house is sparkly clean. I had Denny's today. I didn't have to work.

Jesus, what the hell do I have to be unsatisfied about? Ahh, don't worry, I'll think of something, I always do... ;-)

This is a testament to my ability to overcome... I'm doing well so far.

The goal, and true challenge, is not the outcome, but intstead my reaction to it.

Excuse me, I have some business to take care of...

i'm breathing in, i'm breathing out...
So I guess I should update since it's been so long, but to tell you the truth, I don't feel like writing. I mean, I have stuff to say, but I don't feel like I have anything good to say. I guess that's a good sign, that I've been more level-headed and calmer as of the past week or so... still, it takes some of the fun out of it. I do need some stability at this point in my life though. I was talking to Dana at work last night and I told him how I've been to bed before midnight the past few nights, and how rare that is, and he joked that that meant I was getting old. I've been going to bed early because I've been sick, but I think there's some truth there. Anyway, things are better, but something's missing... maybe not. I'm able to deal with things better, able to bring myself down from anxiety sooner, etc. etc. I'd like a vacation. With Stefanie. That would be nice... lying on some warm beach somewhere. Forgive my incoherent rambling...

Trying to have a party tomorrow. So far, I'm forgetting to major objectives. 1) Get alcohol. 2) Invite guests. Damn. Not like that many people come to my parties anymore anyway. :-( I need to go to my mom's. I wonder if Tyler's ever going to return home. I wonder... well, that's all I wonder about.

General sigh. ::doesn't want to work tomorrow::

things are getting worse, but I feel a lot better, and that's all that really matters to me...
Hmm... after my pep talk entry today, I was surfing online and discovered some stuff on WebMD, and now I'm fully convinced that I have OCD. The only decision left is what to do about it. Do I continue to try and cope by myself or do I concede and seek help? I think either way I'm going to talk to my mom, ask for some advice, and possibly have her contact Terry to set up an appointment or find me somebody. I've just been so stubborn for so long about this, thinking I could deal with it, and now I'm questioning that. To me, it seems like the first time you get glasses. Once you put them on for the first time you realize how you are really supposed to see the world. I'm just surmising all of this, I realize this. I picked up a few books at the library today about OCD and Buddhist meditation techniques, so I'm going to give the self-help rountine one last go. I also read a study about St. John's Wort as a possibly effective treatment for it, so I picked up some of that as well today. Don't really expect it to have a profound effect, but I figure it can't hurt anything. I remained optimistic for a good portion of the day, but what was most disheartening today was one of the symptoms I was reading about today was the drive to overcome the disability, only to fail and slip back into the same patterns of behavior and thought. I know my situation is not that severe, and it may not be having profoundly affecting my life, but there is an effect there, and I am on this whole "better myself" kick as of late, and my progress elsewhere is definitely reinforcing.

I wish I knew what was really going on with her. It just seems like she's holding so much back, and only offering me scraps when I really bother her about it. I just feel so in the dark about the situation. She hasn't been herself for a little while now. I want to help, I just need to know how.

"Well, Amy hit the atmosphere
Caught herself a rocket ride out of this gutter
And she's never coming back I fear"

So here's what we are going to try: letting go of all the excess fat, giving everything that is unncessary up and simply living my life in a simple fashion, with simple rules and simple decisions. Maintaining a balance between trying to improve myself, accepting my strengths and weaknesses, and not getting too stressed out in the process of trying to maintain that balance. Doing both what needs to be done, as well as what makes me happy, and removing everything else.

I feel good right now. I just have to remember to breathe.

OK, so I watched this awesome little known documentary yesterday, called "Comedian." It tracks Jerry Seinfeld as he attempts to hone a new act after throwing out all his old material last year. Very intriguing and amusing film, and it helped me to realize my calling: comedian. Not necessarily because I am the funniest guy on the block (but I'd like to think I have a pretty well-developed sense of humor), but instead of the amount of insecurity and attention to detail needed to go up on stage with your act every night. I never realize, even comedic gods such as Seinfeld suffer from such stressors with their act. Anyway, I wrote down a lot of quotes from the movie that parallel my own feelings about life, etc., etc., so I share them with you now.

"I'm hard on myself, but I hope everybody else isn't as hard on me as I am on myself." - Orny Adams

"I got everything I wanted this year, and I've never been more stressed and more miserable." - Orny Adams

"It's everything you hate about yourself you see staring right back at you. Everything you tried not to be but you know, deep down, still are." - Jerry Seinfeld

"It's just my nature. It's never good enough." - Jerry Seinfeld (or Orny, I can't remember)

"It's so fucking hard to get comfortable. It just comes and goes. There are just little glimpses, little moments when I feel really like myself and I feel comfortable." - Jerry Seinfeld

Oh, I like this one...


You are Professor X!

You are a very effective teacher, and you are very
committed to those who learn from you. You put
your all into everything you do, to some extent
because you fear failure more than anything
else. You are always seeking self-improvement,
even in areas where there is nothing you can do
to improve.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
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And I think I've taken this one before, but here we go anyway...


Romantic movie! You probably won't star in a porno
anytime soon. You seem to be really into the
whole "love" thing...romantic sex
with perfumed sheets and candles all over the
place. You're probably a hopeless romantic. You
value sex and respect your partner too much to
do anything like porn. AWWWWWW! <3


What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ahh, fuck that...

So in this entry I hope to give you all an opportunity to delve into Jason's psyche... so here we go.

As I was driving home from class tonight, already on a short leash because I had forgotten to buy more parking tokens and instead had to shell out $7.60 for the evening... this on top of the $1.60 the damn vending machine ate when I tried to get a Lunchable earlier today at work makes out to damn near $10 down the drain for the day. After reading the rest of my journal entry, and my question is whether the extreme stress that arose because of mundane and insignificant situations such as these are warranted or not, or if I'm just nuts. Anyway, on with the story...

I got off the expressway at 44th St. and as soon as I did, a SUV also getting off speed past me, instantly resulting in mild irritation on my part. The driver wasn't doing anything really bad or wrong, nothing that I don't do myself on the road occasionaly, but my irritation rose as I read the car's bumper sticker: "Warning: In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned." Instantly, my irritation rose more as my stereotypes of religious nuts arose. You see, I don't have a problem with religious folks, I have a problem when such people feel the need to rub their condescending goddamn (pardon the pun, I had to...) views in your face, feeling so smug because they are... well, you know the rest. Anyway, up until this point, this is all an ordinary experience that anyone could face; I realize this. But here is where things take a proverbial turn (in my head anyway). As I do with every situation, as soon as I came to my conclusion, I began to doubt my competence and reasoning. I thought "Wait, am I really sure I know what rapture means?" Thinking this knowing full well I do know what it means, but allowing myself to doubt myself nonetheless. It's not that I don't have self-esteem, it's that I have to cover every single base, and then check them again. I have to stick around until my interior lights go out after I turn my car off, even if I'm sure that they will go off. Same thing with car locks. So then I begin to get down on myself because I'm doubting myself, windfalling into a whole inward spiel about how I need to calm down and relax, resigning myself to do so in the future. But as soon as the next agitation occurs, because of course I'm still agitated, regardless of my newfound sense... of whatever. Unable to deal with this new stimulus in the exact, specific way that I had planned on (i.e. it annoys the hell out of me when I told myself not to let it), it pushes me even farther in the opposite direction. And herein lays the paradox of what I've been facing lately. I've been high-strung because I'm so hard on myself, so I (and everyone else) tells me to relax and calm down, but to change this pattern requires me to once again pay intense focus on how I deal and how I react, once again leading me to be too hard on myself. It all goes 'round and 'round in a big freakin' insecure circle.

So this is where I'm at right now... I've calmed down a bit with South Park on in the background, but I know this is just going to creep back up the next time I am unable to keep afloat in this sea of stressors. What scares me so much is that I've always had this to a certain extent, but in the past few months it's gotten a lot worse, and I don't know what to do about it. I blamed it on school, and now that's done... so, I'm out. Any suggestions or advice? I'm listening. Spanks.

OK, sorry about earlier folks, I'm feeling a little better now. Read Joe's journal, and that was therapeutic for some reason. Anyway, I guess my problem is just that it takes so much work to maintain strong, healthy relationships with the people you are close to, and it's so worth the effort, but it's just so exhausting at times, especially when you have to deal with more than one complication at a time. Holy run-on sentence Batman! I'm going to bed now to try and curb this.

I just need one uncomplicated and uninterrupted day with Stef. That's all I'm asking for. I just want to shut everything else out and focus on her for a bit. So much else is just a load of BS...

And even more is just inside this godforsaken noggin of mine.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. What a goddamn horrible day. I want to call Stefanie and talk to her, but I'm a fucking moron and didn't before she went to bed. I shouldn't play that godforsaken game anymore, it's not fun anymore and it's like plugging a dam with my finger. Why can't I fucking ever win? I don't care if this is childish, I'm sick of this bullshit.

I can't win with my life either. I try so hard to put on this face of calm and mindfulness, because if I can fake it, I can believe it, and by the end of the day I'm so sick of trying to keep my head above water, I just give up, just like I do in that damn game.

I don't know where I'm at with anybody or anything right now. I need a break. What the fuck have I been doing for a month. What a fucking waste of a month.

I was listening to the new Manson CD I picked up today, and I was driving around, feeling the need to be an ass to all the people around me that I didn't care about. I was agressive driving, I was agressive at Fazoli's. And it was so refreshing. Not being nice for once. I'm fucking sick of it. So many stupid and mean people out there, and the good ones you just end up fighting with anyway. I can't win, I just want to give up, climb under a rock, and... FUCK, why the hell does diet pop have such a horrible aftertaste. I better be losing weight, or I'm just going to lose it. This, and I get to work, followed directly by school, followed by sleep, followed by work again. AHHHH!

lz/KSjf;alkjgkaj;ldgkja;glkjoiweiewo
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it

give me one good reason...

I spent most of my class period tonight silently dissenting from my Sociology professor about the end of innocence, childhood, and, oh I don't know, intelligence in American society, knowing deep down I agreed with the guy wholeheartedly. Then I come back home, check out a random journal while I'm enjoying my food, and I stumble across this...

:: 2002 24 August :: 5.51 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: .::Skater Boi::. Avril Lavigne

Im SaD!!! :-(
Heyy, Im s0o0o0o upset! grrr....i really like Devin and we like got into a fight last nite at the movies and i broke up with hym!! i fell so0o0o bad and i dont like it! i like hym still and i dunno y i broke up with hym....so0o0o Devin I love you! and im sorry..please 4give me...iight im out! buzzzzzz byez!

:A: :L: :L: :Y:

Eugenics may be illegal, immoral, and just plain wrong, but I swear, wouldn't it be nice to get rid of some of these morons? ;-)

I want to say something, but alas, I have nothing to say.

It seems like everyone around me is teetering on this brink of depression, living in a state of quiet desperation. I keep expecting the phone to ring, with a friend desperately searching for advice. Eh, whatever.

In an effort to turn my demanding attitude towards myself around, I begun to mentally list ways in which my obsessive-complusive tendencies are advantageous, and this would be a good venue to post them, but I'm lazy and I didn't get very far and I forgot the ones I did come up with... see, I told you I didn't have much to say.

Everything is very neat and orderly tonight. I like that. No suprises.

Food's done. Peace.

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em

Your the boxers. You leave everything to the last minute. Never on
time for anything. And always caring about others before yourself.

Which underwear are you?

What Pattern Are You?

What Drink Are You?

Take the test, by Emily.

Take the What Type of Friend are
You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com.
[Me.]

I am 36% evil. Take the test :: koolplace.com

and oh, for the sake of momentum, i'm condemning the future to death so it can match the past...
Jason's Little Known Fact of the Day:
I am the most content when I have specifically four things to eat at each meal. I'll prepare the fourth thing even if I'm not hungry for it. Today, I had a Banquet fat-free chicken patty, some Crispy Crowns, and a vanilla pudding. Something looked wrong, so I went back to the pantry and grabbed the Baked Ruffles. I think that's what I eat so many pickles; it's a fast and easy equalizer.

I don't think that it's that we can't change as people, in fact I know it isn't, but I think for some reason or other, our negative traits are just too damn reinforcing to change them. Especially when the alternative is aversive, it makes it so damn hard to break a pattern of the behavior. We are not destined to failure, we choose it.

Tyler wasn't baking cookies; I'm disappointed. Oh well, the Six Feet Under marathon continues.

don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone...
I was thinking about something yesterday and wanted to mention it, but the computer was being used... here it goes anyway...

I have a tendency to approach the people in my life in a similar way that I do with the people on my buddy list. See, for those of you that don't know, I never adjust the order of the people on my list. Therefore, the people who have known me the longest are highest on the list, and vice versa...

Why does it smell like cookies? Tyler CAN'T be baking cookies, that would be too fucked up...

Where was I? Oh yeah, anyway, I tend to do the same thing with those around me. Those who I've known the longest seem to hold some sort of extra bearing when I'm in moods like I was last night. Those quasi-noglastic moods that I hate so much. What is my intense to live in the past? And why is it only once in a great while? It's so weird and frustrating. And it's not that I love or care for the newer people any less, in fact in many cases it is the complete opposite, however, with certain people, it's this seniority chain thing-a-ma-bob. See it all comes back to this facet of my personality. It's not that I don't like change, it's that I like comfort. I like recreating past experiences, even those that I didn't respond to positively at the time. That's another thing, that I can be in an experience, and not be completely content with it until it is over and I can't get it back. I did it in Europe; one of the best experiences in my entire life, and those last few days I spent missing Christa so damn much that I couldn't allow myself to enjoy the rest of the trip. Situations like that are normal (Jody did the same thing) but I've had other head-scratchers like that in my time. Anyway, I was saying that I crave comfort. I don't know, I just have such a huge problem living in the present and just sucking everything up in the moment. But I can do it, and when I do, that's when I'm the happiest. I starting finding that again this past week, but then concerns about the future jumped back in the driver's seat and took control. And I just let them. I like to worry.

"I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains"

You wanna hear about my new obsession?

No need to point it out, I know I'm being too hard on myself once again. I'll fix it, just give me a little time to work on it. It's all good.

Everything in it's right place, right?

I thought I was winning, and then the wheels fell off this thing. I want to go run, but I can feel the motivation drifting away like a receding wave.


You are Ruth, the matriarch of the Fisher family.
You are very subdued and quiet, but sometimes
you surprise us all. Like when you screamed
"I'm a whore!" at your husband's
funeral and confessed to cheating on him. You
have a great love for your children but you
have to struggle to communicate with them. You
like to arrange flowers and put contact paper
on shelves.


Which Six Feet Under Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

No matter how hard I scrub, the counter never gets clean. A sane person would learn to live with the stain, but I just keep plugging away at a useless cause.

I'm going to make a great mother someday.

The interval validity of that quiz is questionable; I have a sneaking suspicion I answered so it would fit into my mood and my entry.

I think I'm a composite of everyone on that show, and I think that scares me the most... because the people on that show are incredibly fucked up.

Fuck.

put your hands on the wheel, let the golden age begin...
I've done so many comments to other people's journals tonight, I'm almost too spent to make my own, but it's been a while since my last real journal entry, so here we go...

I started my GRCC class tonight. Principles of Sociology. My prof seems awesome... he said tonight that the relationship between Maynard James Keenan and the bass player of Tool is magical. That amused me. He also managed to mock my major within the first 20 minutes of class. That amused me as well. It's all good.

I'm kind of nervous about seeing my ex, whenever that moment arises this summer. I just don't know how I will react. I hope it'll be somewhat like the reaction that Stef had to her's. Oh well.

I ran for 40 minutes and 2 and a half miles today on the treadmill. For me, that's unheard of. I was about ready to pass out when I got off. I can definitely tell that I've lost some weight in the past few weeks though, which just gives me so much more motivation to continue. I'm so suprising myself with this diet and exercise thing... I'm doing something I never thought I could do. I just have to remember not to be too hard on myself.

I'm continuing to feel calmer towards everything in my life. Job and money... that's all that's on my plate at the moment. It'll work out.

Eh, I'm so tired. Too much exercise and television. I need to get some stuff done, so that's all for now. 'Night folks.

I have these nights that are filled with this intense quasi-depression, but it's not really that sad, and at the same time I have these negative feelings, I am relishing in all the good in my life. Today left me unfulfilled. I wanted to spend more time with Stef. Now she's in bed, I don't want to wake her. I wanted to spend more time with Fras. Now he's at home, and I don't like showing weakness in front of him; I'm too much of a guy when I'm around him. Instead, I'm here with my oyster crackers, my Code Red, and Dashboard Confessional. I talk about how much I don't want to be alone right now, but in truth, I think I revel in these moods, relishing and taking everything in. I wish I wasn't so noglastic. I have this desire to do something I haven't done in a very long time. I have no idea what. I don't know, I could go on, but I'm going to post before my stupid computer freezes up again.

today i don't know why, i thought that it was real, but i guess it's no big deal...
I saw glimpses of myself today. Jason being happy. Jason talking to himself in the third person. I also saw flashes of the person I'm trying to run away from, but I'm choosing to focus on the optimistic. It's something to build on.

I had the greatest personal revelation driving to Stef's today... but I forgot it. Must have not been that monumental.

I need to check my grades. I'm scared.

What an interesting day.

See, the problem with being a spoiled only-child is that you are a whiny brat when you don't get your way.

WAAAAAA! WAAAAAA! (That's me crying if you aren't down with the onomatopeia.)