AHH! It followed me home! Not really, just remind me to not read that anymore. Dumb bitch has no concept of reality. Grr. ::rolls dice::

Jason's Articulate Thought of the Day: Stupid people suck.

So... is everything different now that I'm home? Am I suddenly totally happy and content? I don't know what to tell you, I haven't had the time to stop and think about it. The anxiety is still bothering me, I've noticed that. Maybe I just need a day to cool down and watch a bunch of mind-numbing television.

Reading all these goodbyes makes me all bittersweet. It sucks that so much of that second semester had to be tainted with such BS, but stepping back from the situation, I realized how much I really gained from that year... a new girlfriend, two new best friends, and the ability to put up with some hardcore annoying people. Eh. I want to say more, but I'm tired.

...And I want my bloody knife back!!! Grr. Stupid rent-a-cops. Why yes officer, I planned to take out a massive amount of Christian high school students with my 1 inch blade that can barely cut twine. Dumb fucks. Just in case you forgot, that pocketknife is FROM SWITZERLAND. :-P I don't care as much as I once did about it, but still...

Poop. I need to do stuff... and things. Where'd my break go?

home, home, where i wanted to go...
I'm getting ready to take down my computer now, so this is just a farewell entry I guess. There was a lot of things I wanted to say, but as Stef would say "it's not necessary." The people I like and love, you know who you are... just a couple thank you's I wanted to say though.

Andy - Thanks for showing some trust and opening up with your story. You are a good guy and I hope things get better for you.

Mike - I will do my best to not be a "situational friend" to you, because I so consider you more than that. You are a great guy and I hope your positive attitude keeps lasting. Besides, we've got movies to watch together this summer. :-)

Joe - You are as good of a roommate as a person could ask for, you are very considerate and compassionate and all that jazz. It's been a blast and I hope I didn't get on your nerves too much. :-P Just kidding. I'll try and look you and Josh up once you get settled.

Umm... that's it, I'm spent. Oh wait...

Stef - Thank you for taking a risk with me and giving into your instincts. I've grown so much with you in such a short period of time. As much hell as this semester has been, you have been the saving grace and have made it worthwhile. I love you babe.

Talk to you all later and good luck in the future.

i can't do it...
When did the world become so black and white and when did I become so fucking gray?

I just want things to be simple like they once were. Is that so much to ask?

i wish i was...
No, I'm right, you're wrong, don't you fucking dare to try and take that away from me. I see those eye rolls and hear those mutterings underneath your breath. I know what you think you know about me. You're wrong.

Why is so difficult?

you're on your honor, 'cause I'm a goner...
I want this to end... I want everything to end.

And tomorrow, everything will be coming up roses. God I hate myself.

i need a first chance, a second chance...
Leeder said it best, so I'm just going to rip him off again:

"OMG, did I ever dodge a bullet......



I hate school."

Now I know he felt. Jesus tap-dancing Christ. What a nice professor, letting me take the final, when I show up 2 HOURS LATE! I swear to god, I thought it was at 2:30, not 12:30. After that close call, I need a malt beverage... and then I'm back at it. Tomorrow at 5, this'll all be over. Whew.

I love my dad, I really do. He just portrays this sense of success, level-headedness, common sense, and intelligence that I strive to achieve. And keeping in mind the number of similarities between the two of us, one would be able to infer that I am headed to similiar success in my life. I think that's awesome...

not to slight my other parents, I love them all, I was just considering this one tonight. Love you guys. Family is cool. I have the best one that anybody could ask for.

Leeder5421 (11:23:05 PM): ok, somebody just pissed on our window

OK, I may get stressed out sometimes, but I swear, I don't know what I would do without college...

You are Ricky Fitts --- i'm surprised you even took
this quiz. I'd thought you'd be videotaping it
instead. Seriously, don't you ever get sore
eyes?? Quit taping the world and quoting that
everything is beautiful because it's not okay??
The world is ugly. and you're ugly. so run away
from it. The world wouldn't seem so beautiful
without all that weed you've been smoking. So
go away and go film a plastic bag. because
it's just so damn beautiful now isn't it??


Which American Beauty Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't trust people who don't swing their arms when they walk. They have something to hide...

except for Joe. He's cool. Come to think of it, I can't remember if he doesn't swing them or is just very subtle about it. Either way, he is very, very sneaky.

i'm missing home...
I try to handle my life like I do my hard drive. I have to keep the memory down or I start to slow down and falter. I compulsively feel the need to defrag in order to keep things organized. I desperately try to delete old unnecessary memory that's cluttering things up. Always looking for the new product or trick to keep things running fast and smooth.

I got my upgrade three months ago, the only problem I face now is making all the hardware compatible and work together like the well-oiled machine I want it to.

I'm hyping this summer up way too much. I hope it can live up to expectations.

12 more days...

in my place were lines that I couldn't change, i was lost, oh yeah...
I'm constantly fighting with a battle with myself and I never know who's winning.

See, I thought I was wrong, but as far as I can tell, I had the right idea all along. I know who, and where, my friends are.

I don't know why I bother. Why bother being nice if no one recognizes it? Maybe I'll turn into an asshole, then someone would recognize me for once.

I'm overreacting, I realize this, but that's how I feel, so deal with it.

13 more days...

Yeah Stef! We are DMB buddies! :-P Seriously though, props to Long Black Veil, that's such an awesome song.


Say Goodbye


What Dave Matthews Song Are You?
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and the plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you had your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade...
I look back and saw how things could have gone and I realize that I'm better off not going down that route. Not that I would have been able to travel that direction or that the trip would have lasted for any period of time. There are instances of regret that always linger, in more than just one area of my life, but as time goes by they become distant, like a painful fight with a parent or a pet dying. They are inconsequential in the present, but they make up who you are. And while they may be better and worse, respectively, some things never change, and I'm starting to become convinced that some facets of a person's character are so set it stone, it takes so much time to change them, present company included. This is all in my head, but then again it always was, so there's some comfort there.

As empathic as I am, my life and my world, or at least how I view and approach it, is limited by what I will allow myself to see. And even though I may see something, that doesn't mean I will necessarily believe it.

I'm so happy with you Stefanie; don't stop challenging me, don't stop being there for me. I look forward to what's in store for us, and what's beyond these godforsaken dorms.

I've been so stressed out lately, with my self-imposed headaches, that I haven't stopped to realize how much I'm going to miss living with you guys. I'll write my goodbyes in a couple of weeks, but just to let you know now, I love you guys and I'll miss you over the summer.

I think some things are never meant to be let go of, because its those memories and instances that make up who we are. Or maybe not, and maybe I don't like letting go of the past because I'm afraid I lose my identity and therefore I am destined to get lost in the future.

I want to stand underneath the stars and breathe the night once again.

Sometimes I wish my life was a television show, so I had an impartial and unbiased party that could come in and tell me if my feelings make sense, and not necessarily tell me how to think or act, but offer some objective observations on how I'm handing things.

See my problem is that I like to divide my life in seperate stages, e.g. high school, Christa, Western, Stefanie, etc. I have trouble bridging the gaps between all of them, and when those worlds collide, and my brain starts to hurt. The only constants throughout have been my parents, Leeder, and Fras, and that's why I respond to them all so much, and that's why I'm so freakin' anxious to get back.

So many fucking memories. It makes me feel so old. There are all there, swirling around, giving me an anerysum.

I could write all night...

I hate you. I love you. Hold me. Thrill me. Kiss me. Kill me. Fuck. Durp.

When did my life turn into a song instead of a movie?

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

People are so fucking dumb and mean and ignorant and self-centered and stupid. I want said people to vanish from the earth, or at the very least, my sphere of influence.

Oh well, it's not my life... and I suppose things could be worse... and there's an awesome movie on... hey, what am I complaining about?

Whew... dodged a bullet there. I feel better. Durp. That's all.

if someone stood up in a crowd, and raised his voice way up loud, and waved his arm, and shook his leg, you'd notice him...
Sometimes I think that there's a handful of people of there who even see I'm here, and to the rest, I'm transparent. It's not a truth, but I feel it sometimes.

All I've ever wanted was to be noticed, to have some attention thrown my way.

Why is it so hard to get rid of the character problems that have hampered us the longest? Is it that hard to break a pattern of behavior?

"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!" - Al Pacino, The Godfather, Part III

come on, let's go driving, come on, let's take a little ride, that's the studying of dying, how to do it right...
I'm losing my grip on reality. Don't know what to do, other than curl up in a ball and take a nice long sleep.

Rawr.


You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

"Say I remember when we used to sit
In a government yard in Trenchtown
Observing the hypocrites

Said I remember when we use to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown
And then Georgie would make the fire lights
Love would burn on through the night

Everything 's gonna be alright
Everything 's gonna be alright"

I can't take this anymore. I want you all to realize we know nothing. Accept that with all your convictions and beliefs, everything is impermanent, and there is no black and white; the world is washed over in grey. There is no right answer, so don't pretend there is. The only right answer is that there is no right answer.

Does anybody out there have any original ideas or are we are just going to pull our collective arguments off of quotes.com and CNN?

"Sadam is a narcissistic psychopath. (Narcissistic: A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, or lack of empathy. Psychopath: A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse.)"
Funny, I thought you were an engineering major Mike, not a licensed psychologist. Let's leave the diagnoses to the professionals.

Having an extensive understanding of human behavior myself, I know how ethnocentric our country is. Don't pretend that you truly care about the Iraqi people, the Kuwait people, or even Joe Blow down at the end of the street. Jump on the bandwagon, because this week it's cool to be a war protester... oops, I mean a war supporter. All the cool people are sitting on the fence; everyone's doing it you know.

How about instead of spreading our immaculate form of democracy on the rest of the world, we focus on providing for our own citizens before we police the rest of the globe. LBJ's focus when he arrived in office was social reform before he was destroyed by the Vietnam conflict. Health care, homeless, women's rights, EDUCATION, social security... nah, we're fine here, you just go ahead and take care of everyone else's problems.

We are all eqaul, we are all human beings, and we should treat each other like it.

"It is true that the United States accounts for half of the money spent on military worldwide. However, it is also true that since America also has 50% of the worlds total money, which means what we spend, is AVERAGE!"
Please explain how this makes any logical sense. I bet you we eat at least half of the world's food as well. Does that mean our obesity problem is AVERAGE then, on par for the rest of the world?

If Saddam is so evil, then why do all of you only care when our president tells you to. Funny, the only times I've seen between the two Gulf Wars was as Satan's lover on South Park.

1940s - Hitler
2001 - Osama (Osama who?)
2003 - Saddam
2004 - TBA
Now accepting applications for the next posterboy of evil.

You may think you know my views, but you don't have a clue. I give you what you need for a bite, then I reel you in. "Because the hook brings you back, I ain't tellin' you no lie. The hook brings you back, on that you can rely."

"I'll never really understand protestors. Many of them are so closed/single minded that its almost a miracle of science that their life functions continue." Well thank you for that extremely open-minded contribution.

I leave you with the words of the great Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh:
"Smiling is very important. If we are not able to smile, then the world will not have peace. It is not by going out for a demonstration against nuclear missiles that we can bring about peace. It is with our capacity of smiling, breathing, and being peace that we can make peace."

There, I think I covered just about everything. If I missed someone, just stop by on Monday, I'll be the one in socks and sandals.

I run away from it, and it just follows me wherever I go.

It's so much safer here, I don't ever want to leave.

I will never call that place home.

Jessa articulated it as well as I could myself, so I'm just going to use it. Hope you don't mind dear. :-)

"I had everything under control and going good... Today was an okay day and then BLLLLEAH."

Why is this so hard? Too come this far and just hit a wall. And being so stubborn, instead of driving around, I keep trying to pound my way through, like some sort of stagnant crash-test dummy.

9,083 characters (with spaces) and I'm completely tapped out. Funny, I didn't have any trouble writing this...

"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear
take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before,
and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find I
should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes. yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there,
I'll be there."