ceci n'est pas un journal

:: 2009 2 February :: 11.21pm

You say potato, I say double penetration.

:: 2009 2 February :: 12.12pm
:: Music: the lonely island

not fair
"But that's the part that's so unfair. I have nothing else on
my mind. How come I have to be the one sitting around
analyzing him in like microscopic detail, and he gets to be
the one with other things on his mind."

So tis is exacl how I feel, oh and also pathetic...i feel pathetic too.

Anne predictd nothing would happen til i am 30...nice round number and also completly possible considering what a chicken I am and that he seems to be completly indifferent. The problem is really that I have NO IDEA if he even thinks about this at all. The really unfortunate part is that I feel like it is all in my mind. When we lock eyes I don't kow what he is thinking, don't know if he sees me the way he always has or if things are finally shifting. And he does, he looks into my eyes, semi-often. We hang out without other people now too. But HE never calls ME, eiher i call im unasked or asked, never the other way around. And he never touches me, not really even accidentally. He keeps a distance that makes me hesitate. It is weird because I know him in this way tha not many people do, but that is the exact thing that makes me uneasy. I like how things are and I also hate this torture I am inflicting on myself.

It really sucks that i am carrying around this Rob baggage still. i mean it has been over a year since that shit wnet down, but I still second guess myself all the time. pangs of memory will hit me and I will just spiral. I tied so much up into him that really I cant think of Prague, Kalamazoo, writing and a muliue of other things withough cringing, sometimes physically. There are 2 things wrong with this, well ther are more than that, but there are 2 i will address here and now. The first being that some of the things he tainted(haha) were things that i reall enjoyed before, the second is that i am not completely sure I didnt make up tat whole relationship too. Was it even real or did i imbue it with meaking it had never earned? Was there ever anything really there or did I just want it to exist so much I deluded myself? i am really afraid all the time that no one will ever look at me like he did again, but what if I completely misread that look to begin with? He hurt me really badly, but I don't think he even realized it, so does that make him a dumbass, or does it make me one?

(that is a retorical question, you don't have to say him)

I know i shouldnt still be thinking about him even, but in that stupid drama i lost 2 people who were helping me shape a different me and then I sort of lost that person too. i feel like i gave so much of myself hat when i lost him i lost me. I have been searching for something to fill the void ever since and I dont want to need someone else in order to do that, I want to make myself whole again on my own so that if I find someone, I can love myself enough for them to love me.

the bottom line is that i can analyze all i wan but nothing has happened and nothing is likely to happen in the near future, so i have time.

jedibumblebee

:: 2009 1 February :: 6.40pm

How I Met Your Mother
Read more..

:: 2009 31 January :: 3.58pm
:: Music: MGMT

wellwellwell
Ok, so I haven't been online much this week...or at all. it seems that whne ther is crap on my desk or it my computer chair is covered, i dont get on my computer....parts of me are still super lazy i guess.

last night i went to taste of thai w/ brad and we had 2 delish dishes, and even though i was afraid beforehand that it would be weird or awkward, it wasnt, it was fun. I shouldnt have been apprehensive i guess since bowling was good last sunday. everything could just change in a second and that is scary. i want it to change i think, but i also like what i have and dont want to lose it...waah i know, you have a great friend who you like spending time with alicia, big problems there. he is coming to the superbowl party we are having at rum runners tomarrow too...yay

now i am off to GR to help choreograph the dance for anne's wedding...i am not too great, but maybe i will help lower the difficulty.

:: 2009 31 January :: 3.04pm
:: Mood: bitchy

Dear Life (formerly of The Cereal, now Comma My),

Thank you for the awesome birthday week. It was great to have dinner with my parents at a delicious Indian restaurant and I'm glad you let me drag Nick along while he suffered through the terminal stages of Extended Man Cold™.

I am blessed to have awesome friends that wished me a happy birthday all week long. Although work has become super lame since you decided my favorite kid needed to get fired and you brought my arch-nemesis back from Spain, it was great to have to work on my birthday and celebrate with the people I have been stuck with for the past four years. You made me look forward to graduation and leaving this town so much more!

I've got to say though, the coolest part of this birthday week has to be all the plans you decided weren't awesome enough to actually work! Instead of going ice skating with my boyfriend, you gave him a cold and death cough for a week and a half more -- just long enough for him to be whiny, unbearable and asleep by eight o'clock every night of my birthday week. It was also really nice of you to give my roommate a great car, tempt us with a Sonic located closer to us and then decide that her car needed a new alternator the day before the planned trip, trapping us at my school for an hour and a half longer than we really wanted to be there. That was great.

I have one thing to thank you for though. For my birthday weekend, I will pay rent, pay all overdue bills (most likely on my own) and get a haircut then be unable to eat or do anything for the rest of the week. Thank you so much! This is even better than the time you tempted me with seeing the friends I hadn't seen since May and then decided that all six backup plans wouldn't work. And I thought that was awesome. Oh man, I didn't even know you were going to get me a birthday present!

I guess I wanted to just say thanks. Now I know that I really should never plan anything ever again.

However, if you want to come to my graduation, I was just planning on becoming poor and homeless afterward. I don't need a new car, we only need one door to be able to open really and who doesn't love scraping off the outside and inside of the car? I also was just planning on staying in Michigan and never getting a job with my bachelor's degree. Maybe I should plan on drowning in all my debt? Alone? Because I'm planning on never being engaged or married and I never truly wanted kids.

If you want to ruin those plans, go ahead.

Love,
Rachel

:: 2009 29 January :: 10.32pm

He's giving you the full cowgirl.

:: 2009 29 January :: 6.17pm

Ok, cocksucker. Fuck with me and we'll see who shits on the sidewalk.

:: 2009 28 January :: 11.21pm

:: 2009 28 January :: 8.28pm

Holy Godalahbuddhakrishnayoda!

:: 2009 27 January :: 11.29pm

Napa, CA: Where the Jews are annoying, the homos are well dressed, and the blacks know their place.

4 lies | this sentence is false

:: 2009 28 January :: 12.08am

AT 9:25 AM (8:25 AM CST) I WILL BE 22 YEARS AWESOME!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

:: 2009 26 January :: 9.51pm

You got a condom? Never mind, I got this Milky Way wrapper.

:: 2009 25 January :: 11.51pm

I like him. He says okey dokey.

:: 2009 25 January :: 11.28pm

I got caught in a pornado.

:: 2009 25 January :: 11.24pm

And I jizzed in my pants.

:: 2009 25 January :: 11.12pm

Ah, bring me my rape shoes.

7 lies | this sentence is false

:: 2009 25 January :: 3.52am

Hey.

So.

Nick needs a paintball gun.

Tips?

I do not want to spend a lot of money. He's just going to play with people at work once it warms up.

If it is ever not winter again.

Does he need protective gear? I know nothing about this...thing.

Thanks.

I love you kids.

:: 2009 24 January :: 5.49pm
:: Music: the replacements

a poem
Remember when you were transfixed by the burning orange cigarette
while you sat on the outdoor couch with the boy who meant everything
at the time, but turned out to be nothing in the end.
You didn�t even smoke you just wanted to watch it burn.
It was like so many other things in life that are only beautiful while disintegrating,
could only be appreciated as it died.
As he inhaled the toxins, your heart grew a little,
while you watched the bright orange flare up and burn down a little more.

:: 2009 24 January :: 5.01pm
:: Music: greg laswell

PS
oh and I am slightly obsessed with the video from SNL by the lonely island "Jiizz in my Pants". it is one of those popular videos that has gone compltely viral now, but it remids me of you a little cuz we used to use the word jizz like it was going out of style, and now it is more en vogue than ever before. jizzjizzjizz

:: 2009 24 January :: 4.52pm
:: Music: strays don't sleep

this week
this was a pretty good week, i worked everyday, not as muc as i need to but enough to get by for now. last niht i made the most delish dinner of stuffed mushrooms, smashed potatoes, and flank steak pinwheels. brad came over for friday night dinner too and then we thee watched forbidden kingdom...not a great movie, but entertaining.

i watched tin man this week too, I forgot how good it was. it is a miniseries reimagination of the wizard of oz that the scifi channel did last year, and they replayed it on the slueth channel this week.

i feel very restless today, i am gonna go work out to see if that will help. i am trying really hard not to call brad because i know that i shouldn't. i played 3 games of settlers, read a whole book, and am doing laundry to keep from doning it. I just think it is best if i dont get to dependent on him to keep me occupied. or get too cling or needy or annoying. also we are going to my kohls holiday party tomarrow, so 2 out of 3 days this weekend aren't bad. maybe i will paint...

2 lies | this sentence is false

:: 2009 22 January :: 1.51am

So two British women were in Menards today to set their product. Turns out their product hadn��t arrived yet so Mark Mahowald had them set the product next to theirs that had to move. They did it�K

We ended up staying 35 minutes past close setting their product. And then we went out drinking ��

Mark Mahowald became Ma-walla-walla. And he��s going to get a Fusion Mixer up his jacksie.

They think ��Dan The Man�� is straight, while I think otherwise.

Both Ann and Becka swallow.

Becka has only tried anal twice.

Ann has done it with her man on a regular basis.

Craig had his scrotum pierced because it apparently smacks the clit while fucking.

Fanny means ��lady garden�� in British speak.

I hate how beer makes you pee.

British people are easier to understand than Southern people.

6 lies | this sentence is false

:: 2009 22 January :: 1.28am

My birthday week began today (Wednesday) and will continue through the end of the month because it's my birthday week and I say so.

I don't know if everything will go as planned but here's the outline (which will completely change now that I've said it):

Wednesday - THE BIRTHDAY
Dinner with my parents and Nick at some restaurant that I haven't chosen yet. I'm wavering between two Indian restaurants and Chinese food.

Sometime later that week
Ice skating at Patterson ice center/rink down the street. This is the ice skating rink I met Nick at. I got ice skates for Christmas and I've wanted to go back to there for a while now.

At some point Nick's family wants to get together at Jess' house but I haven't heard anything about that in a while.

Friday, Saturday or Sunday
Mini road trip to the new Sonic in Kalamazoo!

Monday or Tuesday the week after next
Logan's with roomies.

I am pumped.

P.S. Nick mentioned that when Obama leaves office we will both be 30. I mentioned that we will also be married and have one or more child. We both commenced freakouts.

:: 2009 20 January :: 10.36pm

Pussy Vs Ass
By N.S.

In these trying times, when the very notion of a democracy is beginning to seem like fiction, it�s important to remember the little things that unite us all as humans. Like our ability to express ourselves creatively, or our capacity for love. Or the fact that each and every one of us has an ass.

Yes--an ass. An ass that can be stimulated, penetrated�and loved. What could be more democratic than the concept of ass-fucking? Everyone has an anus, to use in any way they see fit. And just like the democracy that we are currently enduring in America, everyone can get fucked.

Yes, I do believe there is something quite beautiful in the fact that each and every human has the right and the ability to have their sphincter pounded into oblivion. Ass sex can be a tremendously exhilarating and transcendent experience. It allows males to feel what females feel�to be prodded, invaded. On the other hand to get fucked is to feel the power of enveloping another human being, of drawing them into one�s self. Ass sex just might be the ultimate weapon in the battle of the sexes.

Not to mention that it bridges the gap between cultures in a world where diplomatic relations between countries are strained to nearly the breaking point. Ass sex has always been quite prevalent in Arabic cultures, and think of how many lives could be spared if, instead of terrorizing other countries with bombs or other forms of attack, we could all just fuck each other in the ass and get out our aggression that way? It is a dream that I have.

Straight white men, are you listening? You are the ones who run this world, after all, and maybe it would be beneficial for you to feel how things are at the other end of the stick, so to speak. Perhaps it would do this world a bit of good if you got your girlfriends to peg you, or at the very least, bought yourself a nice rubber dong and slid it up your tight holes. Maybe the world would be a better place. Don�t you agree? (if so please email me: bacteriaburger@gmail.com).

Vaginas are great, really. I mean, pussy definitely trumps ass in certain obvious areas (less muss, less fuss), but when you get right down to it, isn�t pussy fairly exclusive? Only one half of the population has one. The vagina is an elitist orifice, and elitism has no place in a democracy, at least not in my opinion.

The way I see it, if you really believe in enduring freedom and want to make the world a better place, you should be willing to make sacrifices, and one of those sacrifices should be your ass. If you are a true and proud American, and you believe in democracy, then there is no way you can not believe in the unifying and leveling force that is the anus. You�re either for us, or against us.

So everybody�black or white, rich or poor, female or male, your anus is essentially your badge of freedom and democracy. Remember, freedom isn�t free. Let�s show those terrorists and haters of democracy our strength by taking it up the ass like the powerful nation we know we are.

Remember to take it slowly, and God Bless America.

:: 2009 20 January :: 5.36pm

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." Abe Lincoln

:: 2009 19 January :: 8.09pm
:: Music: stereophonics

MLK Day
Today was good day. not as good as a certain MLK day, but good nonetheless. i woke up, went to work, did a great job, came home, worked out WHILE watching One Tree Hill ( i know, GASP i have been working out lately) then (after showering) i painted a little. brad picked me up around 5 and we wandered around in the mall and kohl's and he just left. good day. now i think mark lindsay and I are gonna play board games (shocker!) and then i might paint some more.

The best mlk day ever was when we lived 8302 amd we watched that horrible chick flick nd then when everyone retreated to their rooms (probably to call their boyfriends) ALICIA started bustin' a move to the end credits. when MICHE::E saw how ridiculous she was, a video was made, and we all realized we didn't have class the next day (actual MLK Day) so we all imbibed alchol and dressed up and danced into the wee hours.

I believe that is one of the best memories I have of that whole year.
Some others:
Using the sticky hands on...everything...especially empty milk jugs at late hours
Brian's bunny getting chased by Layla
Watching gilmore Girls w/ Steve and Kate all night then goign to video hits at 6am to get another season
the night we saw Sin City (sorry I know that might now be a fave of yours but lookin back...hilarious!)

I love that it looks like we jizzed all over the apartment because of the sticky hands, and that the guys across the hall would just come hang out, and because of them we didn't lock the door, which led to drunk guy getting tasered in Kate's room. I love the airsoft pellets everywhere, even the washing machine, and our 4 kinds of milk. Even though the majority of the days were spent thinking it sucked in one way or another, some great stuff definetly happened.

i love you miche;;e and he best thing that happened in that apt. was my friendship with you i think...and the muff diving.

2 lies | this sentence is false

:: 2009 18 January :: 10.37pm

Ew! Pbht! These carrots taste musky.

Out! Damn oompa-loompas!

:: 2009 15 January :: 10.24pm

KHAAAAAN!!!

I don't know what to do with myself. It's like when Kurt Vonnegut died all over again.

Sigh.

taoman1121

:: 2009 15 January :: 11.50am
:: Music: Vampire Weekend - I Stand Corrected

Best of 2008
Top CDs
1. TV on the Radio - Dear Science
2. My Morning Jacket - Evil Urges
3. The Hold Steady - Stay Positive
4. The National - Boxer (2007)
5. Vampire Weekend
6. We Are Scientists - Brain Thrust Mastery
7. Jenny Lewis - Acid Tongue
8. David Byrne & Brian Eno - Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
9. Augustana - Can't Love, Can't Hurt
10. Death Cab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs
11. Snow Patrol - A Hundred Million Suns
12. Flight of the Conchords
13. Nine Inch Nails - The Slip
14. Nine Inch Nails - Ghosts I-IV
15. The Raconteurs - Consolers of the Lonely

Top Movies*
1. The Dark Knight
2. 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days (2007)
3. Valkyrie
4. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
5. WALL-E
6. The King of Kong (2007)
7. Cloverfield
8. Get Smart
9. Chicago 10 (2007)
10. Step Brothers

*This is kind of a misnomer, since I haven't seen the majority of 2008 films that I wanted to. With the assistance of Netflix, I hope to correct this before the Oscars.

taoman1121

:: 2009 14 January :: 2.20pm

Damon Lindelof on Season 5 of 'Lost'
'One thing we all decided was, the biggest mistake we could make in Season 5 would be to hold back or slow down or go back to a stalling modality. We've basically been feeding the audience crystal meth for a year, to cut them off cold turkey and give them a pack of chewing gum and say, "We'll give you more crystal meth in Season 6," would have been a disaster. When you piss off a junkie, they will do almost anything to get their drug.'

Well said.