I'm not gonna let you break me

:: 2003 12 November :: 8.13am

So monday courtney spent the night, that was okay. She made us talk out our "problems" even though like that was completly pointless.. then we went to the movies with James & Roo n Krista n Ali n more of roo's friends..and Kimmay! It was alright, Kevin couldnt/wouldnt go. =( -n- he'll prolly have a heart attack (or a fuck attack lol!) wen he finds out i went to the movies with james but o well its his fault for being a poo monkey......

<3

:: 2003 11 November :: 8.15pm
:: Mood: indescribable

Life without you, jus wouldnt be..
I Luv you Brittany Marie Gamester, you mean everything to me!! Life jus wouldnt be da same without you!!

2 I'm almost there | HOLD ON

:: 2003 11 November :: 8.01pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Lizzie Mcguire tv show!! =)

Wat do i do?!
I dont get this, brittany is all like mad at me or something because ive got other friends..*I dont know who da hell she thinks shes talkin bout* But seriously wat does she want me to do? Stop being friends wif everyone, and like not talk at skool or anywhere else, jus to her? Does she do dat? No! Would i ask her to do dat ever? No! *Well maybe* Would i ever drop all my friends jus fo her..? Yesh! I would do anything fo her..even become da loner of my skool..

I wonder if she understands dat i feel da same way bout her n her friends..ex Courtney n OMFG ex EMILY!! Dats why i give her sucha hard time bout em..sometimes i wish dat it could jus be summer again, and it would only be us..all day long we'd talk, and i wouldnt have to wrry bout how close shes gettin wif Emily or Courtney or whoever da hell else..cuz i'd have her to talk wif almost every single day all day long..But den skools gotta get in da way..icky! =(

I dont think she completly understands jus exactly wat she means to me tho..i dont even know how to explain all dat i feel bout her *dat sounds gay* But seriously, shes da best friend dat ive ever had..and i dont know wat i would do without her..seriously i cant imagine my life without her..i wouldnt have any reason to wake up in da morning..Yah im friends wif alotta other ppl, but its diff..way diff..i could never be friends wif anyone like i am wif her..cuz theres jus something special bout her..shes da best person in da whole friggin world and urgh i dont know! I luv her sooo friggin much..but i dont know wat im surposed to do here..

Britt tell me wat i sould do..? Anything n ill do it? I jus dont know wat to do? I luv you soo much! Gotta go..you'll be bak in 25 minutes or so..hehe luv you latah chicka!!

I luv Brittany Marie Gamester More den life itself!!

love,
me.. =(

2 I'm almost there | HOLD ON

:: 2003 11 November :: 7.25pm

Ive been thinkin about jilly more and more lately. I miss her. Im talking to her right now and i miss her. Its jus different now, i wish i knew why. I miss talking with her every day, i miss being the only one that helped her n everything. I miss being her only best friend. I think its partly the whole attention thingy i have..thats a problem.. But i hate her having all these other fuckin friends. Im so selifsh i know, but like shes the only person i have. I miss being the only person that she has. We have been through so much, dealt with so much in the past year that i dont even remeber what my life was like without her..i love her more then anything else. I have opened up with her and grew so close with her, closer then anyone else ever. I rely on her. I need her. Ive never needed someone this much....Im incomplete without her, shes became a part of me that no one in a million years could replace.

<3

:: 2003 10 November :: 9.54pm
:: Mood: calm

Bed time..ZzzzZzzzZ..
Im off to bed now..these days bed is the only place where i feel safe..safe from all of you out there..i wish dat seriously i could jus lay down n sleep forever..i would be in such bliss..sleepin is the only place where i can be completly happy and nobody can say anything about it..nobody can talk shit..nobody will ever know wats going on in dat lil o' head of mine cept me..i like my life dat way..

I wish i could jus become a mute..wif no voice..no emotions..dat would be wonderful..too bad eh?

Omfg t day i was tryin soo f'ing hard to be happy, and ya knw wat someone *one of my kinda good friends* asked me?! What guy i fucked last nite?! OHHH I SWEAR I WAS BOUT TO FUCKIN KILL HER!! Like im some kind of whore or some shit..too bad Becky Dawn was there..*and mr mcdowell* i would have seriously fuckin killed her slutty ass! Shes more slutty den me!! urgh i fuckin hate ppl at our skool..how fuckin imature..den after dat she went round skool,sayin dat she was bout to fite me but i backed down, yah my ass dats why she was da one fuckin hiding behind mr mcdowell..urgh!!!

hey at least i made someones day semi better..not dat i really did it cuz it was all her..but ya know..

J d shortier 623: howdy:-)
BlondieC93: hey i took ur advice and i tried to hav a good day
J d shortier 623: really?!
J d shortier 623: wat happeend?1
BlondieC93: i had a bad morning an awesome mid mornin/ afternoon AND A HORRIBLE AFTERNOON i found out dat my boyfriend david like(d) some else and yea it was 1 big mess but i was calm and i thought wut wuld jill want me to do in this situtaion ((and i thought well duh whtevr would make me happy)) and so i wrote david i note saying tht i still wanted to go out wit him ((AND WE STILL ARE)) but it wuld take a lot of convincin 4 me to belive he doesnt like her anymore and we wuld try to still hav a realtionship
BlondieC93: but yea tht was pretty much it and i gtg now cuz i gotta wake up early and i read ur journal and im sry u had a bad day and whenevr ur feeling sad and tht kno one loves u remember this:: CHELSIE LOVES YOU!!!!!!
HOPE U HAV A AWSUM DAY TOMMOROW LUV YA LOTZ
BlondieC93 signed off at 9:30:06 PM.

In only 5 minutes of time..she made me feel alotta better t day..and im sure she really didnt even mean to..geesh if only 5 minutes werent sucha long time..Im not even good enough fo 5 minutes from da rest of ya?

wateva im gong to bed now bye!

:: 2003 10 November :: 8.42pm
:: Music: Damn--youngbloodz! *sings*

*If you dont give a damn, we dont give a fuck!*
I wish that fo one day..i could stand up straight, hold my head up high, and look everyone in the eye..

AND TELL EM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND GET A FUCKIN LIFE!!

Im soo fuckin sick of ppl talkin shit, like seriously, why cant we either *all get along* or jus leave eachother *the fuck alone* Wat is soo hard bout dat?!

One day, im gonna be outta here..one day ill be living somewhere soo much better than here..and im gonna look bak on these days, while i was sittin here wasting my life away depressing over every lil thing, and im jus gonna laugh, and move on wif my life, and forget about all of these things dat have happened, and everything will be happily ever after.. =)

Yah fuckin rite..like dat will ever fuckin happen! I dont care anymore..theres nuffin to care bout anymore..

If i were to jus lay down n die the most painful death rite now, this very second, it would be better than the pain im endearing rite now..i fuckin hate this..i feel like my head is bout to explode..i cant stop like thinkin bout everything, like im seriously goign crazy..within my head..and everyone around me jus thinks dat everything is perfect and nobody will believe me dat inside im DIEING, and its driving me even more nuts! And i cant take this anymore..im crying on the inside, and its killing me..

I need thee, where art tho in thy time of despair? *shakespere* Amazin man rite there..its funny how he can take words from hundreds of years ago, and they can be da ones i need to say to you rite now..

I will miss wat we once had..but ill take another breath, ill live another day..

at least i hope..

:: 2003 10 November :: 3.26pm

Yay t day..was absolutly..SHITTY! *sigh* =(

i unno it was okay at some points..but now its jus like blah..i had alotta fun wif Gloria and ex Becky Dawn t day!!

But as soon i get home..and my mom is all rude n shit..and den like yah something else..well geesh there goes my good mood..*watches it fly rite out da window* I unno..

Im not going out to dinner wif my family now..I hate all of em! They all need to seriously jus *accidently* die..cept megan she was there fo me last nite when i was crying she hugged me and like we talked fo a lil bit den she had to leave to go pick up adam but ya know it was still kool of her..Either im going to jus go wif James n a lil bit..or im jus gonna go lay down n sleep..until 2marro..or maybe da next day..maybe i could jus go to bed n never wake up again..

:: 2003 10 November :: 8.14am

Monday Again.
No school tomarrow!
Courtney's comin over after school n spendin tha night!! Im so xscited , i miss her so much =( =( i love that gurl and we have grown apart so much..ive tried so hard to convince myself i dont need her but i doo. I love her she was one of the best friends i have ever had.....

<3

:: 2003 9 November :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Soo yesterday..lizzie mcguire!! HELL YAH!!

Hehe nothing really happened t day..i didnt tell britt dat i was wif brittney t day..hmm im gonna call her so maybe ill tell her den..not dat its a big deal anyway..but still i unno..

I luv brittany soo much! Shes soo friggin awesome! And sooo friggin sweet! I cant believ eim still bestest friends wif her i luv her soo much! hehe!

I also luv my mikey!! Hes so sweet!! Me n my gramz had a talk but him t nite when she called..she said dat he sounded like an awesome dude and shes glad dat i found a good enough guy fo me..shes soo sweet i luv dat lady!! Hehe But den she said something bout askin him if he wanted to go to florida wif me dis winter vaca..n im like uhm well yah ill bring it up..HAH YEAH RITE..we prolly wont even go out dat long =( I unno i jus love dat lady..and she brought up somethng else really awesoem!! Hehe! I luv her! I unno

Lets see nuffin happened t day! Latah everyone!

me..

:: 2003 7 November :: 10.05pm

23 hugs t day! WOo HOo!!
Hehe yah dats rite i didnt do anythign cept go to work and had a few ppl over, but i still got 23 hugs! hehe i luv hugs it makes ppl and myself feel soo much better! heh =)

No britters again t day..ahh oh well..now ill jus have to miss her until maybe 2marro nite? I unno..cuz ive gotta go to work at like 9 and im sure i wont talk wif her den..and i cant call her t nite..oh well..i luv you britters..hope ur havin a great weekend!! hehe luv you!!

I dont know not too much happened t day..me n britt were surrposed to get married t day..i unno if we did or not but oh well hehe i luv her! =) mwaha!

Well im off to bed fo now..cuz like yah 1. Bored 2. ppl r being really gay..n bringin *negative* to my *positive* world mwaha.. 3. No britters 4. Tired..*Snores*5. Gotta wake up early heh =)

Well ill write more 2marro! Much luv to everyone!

Me n Monika's sayin *Dat i made up!!!* *Give hugs not hate* mwahah!

I luv all of you!! Latah..

Love,
me..

:: 2003 7 November :: 3.13pm
:: Mood: thankful
:: Music: Walk a little Straighter *By i unno*

I miss mah BritterZ!!
Awwe man! Being happy is so much better than being sad..Everyone keeps askin me how i am, and im like jus AMAZING..and they ask if there is any reason why im so happy, and i say..nope jus loving and living life!! Hehe! I dont know why, but i really honestly do feel like my life has changed! Everything feels soo much better!

My friends::thier all sayin dat im seeming much happier..haha and ya know whas funny a few ppl even asked me wat was wrong when i said dat i was soo wonderful, and i said nuffin cuz i was soo honestly happy ya know..and thier like no really whas wrong, i know ur lieing, jus covering up something..ahahahahaha dats great..but oh well i know im happy and dats really all dat matters to me!!

My family::Has even noticed dat my attitude has changed..ive been being soo friggin nice to wilson n my step dad n my mommy, some of you dat knows how mean i was before would be soo *Proud* of me..haha but really i luv my family..

I luv my friends!!

I luv my family!!

I luv my life!!!!!

WOo HOo! Im done living *down here* and its time to start *living up here* I want my life better, and dats exactly wat its going to be..

Thanks to everyone whose still surpporting me! I luv you all! I'll always be here fo you!

Me n mikey boo are great..oh gosh it feels soo much better to have told him da truth..i luv him, well maybe not love cuz i dont really know wat love is..but i really really like dis guy, i havent felt this way in..well i dont know how long its been..i dont really think ive ever felt like this! Mike i really like you, and im soo glad dat were going out! I hope da same goes fo you too! Thanks babey boy!! I LUV YOU!!

Brittany *holy shit, staceys moms video jus came on when i typed brittany* lmao!! but neways i jus wanted to say thanks fo always being there fo me when i really needed you, ur a great person and i know dat someday you'll be able to see dat! I luv you soo much and im soo glad dat were best friends..i dont care bout anything else rite now..Britt n Jill best friends forever..no more jealously i dont care bout emily stacey courtney becky whoever! Your my best friend and dats all dat there is too it, i dont care if you've got other best friends, cu zi know dat you care bout me and i care bout you and dats all dat honestly matters anyway..If you ever need anythign you know ill be here fo you too! Cuz dats wat friends are fo rite? Lets not fight anymore sweetie, cuz i hate when we fite its jus urgh stupid and pointless, i want to be da best friend dat i can be fo you, and dats all there is to it..I LUV YOU BRITTANY! BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!! NO MATTER WAT HAPPENS!! No matter wat happens in my life, even if we never talk again, ill always member you and you will be da one friend dat i tell my lil grand daughters about..hehe luv u lots!!

To all my other friends i do luv you too!

But g2g to work..so i can get dat lil present fo britters, hehe! Now i really do have to see you dis winter vaca..no matter wat..even if i have to fly into fort myers first or wateva! No matter wat ive gotta give you something special =) I LUV YOU! latah babey girl!!

LOVE ALWAYS,
XoX~*Jilly*~xOx

:: 2003 7 November :: 8.13am
:: Mood: bouncy

!!!!!!!!!!
ITS NOVEMEBER 7TH !!!!
WOOOOO!!!
WOOOOO!!!
WOOOOOO!!!
im gettin married today la la la la la
im gettin married today la la la la la
im gettin married today la la la la la
FINALLY!!
::Wedding bells::
::giggles::
WOOO!!!!
I LOVE JILLANE ELIZABETH DAHMS!!!!
yippie doodle dandy!!!!!!!

:: 2003 6 November :: 4.54pm
:: Mood: impressed

wow they were rite..!!!
Omfg i got 107 hugs today, i was countin to see how many i could get cuz da ppl at da challenge day thingy siad dat ppl say you need 3 hugs a day to have a good day, but 12 was wat they thought was wat would really make you happy, and like i tried to get alot and wow i did!!! Hehe, i hugged alotta hot dudes too *wink da wink*

Also like steff said, after dat whole challenge day thing ive really been thinking, ive been thinkin bout everything, and ya know wat..im going to change..im going to be a better person and a better friend *ex to britt* and im going to try harder in skool and im going to be happy, and talk bout my feelings and get help n shit! Im dead serious know dat ive said dis before but like im seroiusly going to change now! No question bout it, i started t day, i stopped wif rude comments and started being nicer to everyone, and wif all my hugs hehe =)

And ive also been thinkin about my true friends and da very few dat i do have..but dats enough fo me, like before i felt like i needed to meet everyone and be friends wif everyone and now its jus like..im good wif wat i have cuz wat i have is da BEST ever!! I would like to say thanks to some of my TRUE friends::

BRITTANY MARIE GAMESTER..
BECKY DAWN MCDERMOTT..
STEFFANIE ANN LEICHT..
MICHEAL ALLAN COLMEN..
SIDNEE DEANN DUFFEY..
James Micheal Monthese..
Tiffany Marie Monthese..
Allison Jean Maloney..
Amber Lynn Jones..
Chelsea Rose Grinnell

If i forgot anyone dat really is a true friend dem im srry but those r da ones dat really r true friends..like ppl dat have been there through thick n thin and id never trade fo anything in da whole world..

Other friends may include::Brittney B *not S* Gloria *Loopi* Stephanie S. Kristie C. Ariel M. Cassie B. Lisa M. Brittani L. Steve B. Taylor S. Cassie S. Tom M. Chelsie W. *of korse* Jill Z. Liz B. Judy P. Brianna W. *Perv* Sara M. *wub yew* Jenna T. Chad B. Amanda H. *Mah Cupcake mwuhz* Tiffany H. *Always n forever* Steve-o- Alex M. Danielle D. Danielle F. Jessica B. *Big sis fo life* Jessica W. *good luck wif Evan* Evan S. *oh babey* Hailey *geel better babe* Hell*ana* Jake H. Ryan J. Ryan F. Katie K. Alandra *grrr..* Martin H. Jordan B. Jordan D. and last but not least Rachel F.

I LUV ALL OF YOU!!

g2g tho now..love ya always latah!

love,
me..

2 I'm almost there | HOLD ON

:: 2003 5 November :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: thankful

omfg!!
BRITTANY YOU HAVE TO READ DIS RITE NOW!!!

Today was like da second best day of my whole friggin life! *1st being da day dat i met brittany* im seriosuly dat challenge day thign was like life changing and im soo happy dat i went..i dont even know wat to say bout it..i feel liek im a better person now, and like wif becky i feel like were closer and its awesome and wif tiffany i feel like i got to know alotta ppl on a much diff level and like they got to know me better fo who i really was, and fo once in a crowded room i didnt feel judged at all!! I loved it, i want to change my life now, and im going to *Im going to be da change dat i want to be in da world fo now on* Im dead serious dat was like da most amazin day ever! I was soo inspired by the ppl there, and becky and tiffany and dat andriee or howeve ru spell it girl, and its awesome cuz shes goint to dj at my work on sat da 15th and yah i cant wait, cuz shes like a soph in college but sehs AWESOME, and she helped me a ton! I luv her, i dont even knwo anymore..

Hey to all my friends, if you feel like id ont appreciate you as much as i sould and i dont say dat i luv you as much as i sould, i jus want u to know dat im srry and dat all of you mean everythign to me, it dont matter if we were friends and arent now or wateva, all of you made me who i am t day and i dont know wat iw ould do without any of you, i luv all of you no more or less. Thanks fo always being there fo me! I appreciate all of you! and i will always love ALL OF YOU! Thank you!

Brittany you seriously mean everythign to me tho, i luv you soo much and i promise that things r going to be diff, you watch n see. Im changin and i want u to know dat i luv you soo much and im soo glad dat we met cuz i dont know wat i would do without you youve changed my life so much and i cant even begin to explain everything dat you mean to me and i cant even begin to name off all of da diff things dat youve done fo me and all da diff things dat i appreciate and luv about you, so ill jus say dat i luv you and everything about you and i hope dat were friends forever because my life woudntbe da same without you and i really hope dat you can forgive me fo everything dat ive ever done to you, things will be diff i promise...but ill stop now so yah if you get on t nite any time call me if you can i luv u soooo friggin much! Latah chickie boo!!

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER NO MATTER WAT I LUV YOU MORE DEN ANYTHING IN DA WHOLE WORLD!!

LOVE ALWAYS,
JILLY!!