:: 2005 25 April :: 9.13 am
:: Mood: Tired

There was something I wanted to write about, but I forgot. I call it Melanie Syndrome. Don’t ask. I’ve been writing in my private-real-paper journal every night for a while now. It’s weird. It’s not all insane-depressing stuff too. And that makes me happy.

Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 21 April :: 9.29 am
:: Mood: gloomy

I feel bad. I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t be doing this. People shouldn’t have to deal with me. I’m not a good person. I know I’m a bad person and a bad friend.

Good news? I still love my shoes. And they’ve stopped hurting the way new shoes usually do. So much woopage on that. I’m wearing all blue today. It’s almost as if I meant to match. Haha. Imagine that.

So, I’m sick of band. I’m sick of getting ready for super state. I’m sick of playing the same measure 60 times over. And I still have two weeks left of this shit. Big time “Shit”.

I’m gonna fall asleep in gov.

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 21 April :: 8.59 am

I'll get ze popcorn

Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 15 April :: 8.29 am
:: Mood: Sickly

Poop. this is a weird week. I'm a mess and i have no idea why. Don't you hate when that happens?

2 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 14 April :: 8.59 am

I hate being sick. Don’t tell Ryan that. I don’t think this is from him though. Poop.

I’m tired. I have a lot of make up work and I hate orchestra and I don’t want to go to the concert tonight or tomorrow. I want to quit fine arts. I hate it all. It’s the most thankless department in the school. Give 3 or 4 years of your life. What do you get back? Shit. Absolutely nothing. Because there’s someone that much better then you who deserves it more. You know what? Screw you. I’m sick of being a shadow. Only one more show, four more concerts and I’m done being the worst or second best. So I quit trying hrad. Where has it got me? Where has the hours of rehearsal and crew for ballad, razzle, and man got me? Nowhere. So screw hard work because nothing comes of it. I’ll be a four star thespian and all my friends will be up there getting everything. But I promise I won’t cry until after I leave.

I don't want sympathy. I blocked comments. Don't try.

:: 2005 11 April :: 9.21 am
:: Mood: sad

Happy library week!!!
My throat hurts. I'm tired. I don't want to go to government or orchestra or band. Perfect day: Study hall, creative writing, photo, lunch, study hall, photo, study hall, creative writing.

I love writing and photo. I just get it the worst times of day. And study halls are always quite dandy.

My hand hurts. I hit a wall last night. Not the best anger management. I need help, dudes. Yesterday was the third time in the past weeks that I almost just walked out the door. I could do it too. I have places I could go. I'm almost 18. I have a job. But I didn't. Why? I'm not scared of getting in trouble. I don't know why I don't.

All my recent numbness has gone away, it seems. Haven't decided if it's good or bad. But I definitly am not numb anymore. I can feel. And it hurts, my friends.

My head is all swimmy right now. I really feel like I'm going to pass out.

This journal is insanely angsty. It always is. I like to think I'm not all angst...but look at me! Here I go again. Woo hoo.

Ok...my vision is getting all weird. I need to get a drink. If I pass out...I won't have orchestra! Oooh...so there is hope.

:-\

Eick. Even though the world is being poopy, I want you to know that I think I'm one of the luckiest people alive. I have alot of people who put up with alot of shit from me.

My head is in a woosh. So I'm off.

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 8 April :: 9.02 am
:: Mood: angry

I’m kind of angry right now. Actually, I’m really angry right now. I don’t know entirely why, but I know a lot of it. And again it’s one of those things that I can’t really share.

People disappoint me. Well, not me directly. But their actions indirectly make me angry. That doesn’t make any sense at all, but being vague is good.

I don’t tell people things anymore if they’re meant to be kept secret. I’ve matured. Not that anyone has noticed. I’ve been accused/assumed that I tell people everything at least 10 times this month. Not to sound egotistical or self centered, but I have my own life. I have enough going on that I don’t need to constantly gossip. Yes, I know that I do tell people things. Small things. Never anything detrimental though. Things like him and her are going out and they broke up today or what not. Are we still that immature that we can’t deal with people knowing that we have crushes on people or who we’re going out with? I don’t know. This is sounding mean.

Ostracized. That’s how I feel. No need to explain why. I’m always against the stream. Not that it’s bad, but it gets lonely.

I need a good…something…session. Jackie’s having a bonfire tonight, but I’m working. Isn’t that how it always is? Nothing happens until I’m working or busy. Once again…I’m alone. Because even if you say it’s nothing, stuff happens when everyone gets together like that. Memories are made that people who aren’t there can never comprehend. And it’s sad. I’m leaving in four months and when I leave, what memories will I have? It’s scary.

I'll be disappearing again. I like disappearing. People never notice anyways. Why put any effort to be visible?

If I were a superhero...I'd be invisible and be able to fly. That way I'd disppear and fly away, and it'd be nothing. I could go anywhere I wanted. I could get away whenever I wanted.

I need to be able to drive. I can't stay here anymore.

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 23 March :: 10.23 am

I don't want to update my journal. But I am. Woo hoo. Isn't this exciting?

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 17 March :: 9.24 am
:: Mood: angry

So…guess where I was last night? Guess….That’s right. I saw Les Mis. Quite sweet if you ask little old me. It was fun, but I was tired. Damn school is killing me.

This had been a weird week. Um…yeah. It went by surprisingly fast. I can’t tell if that’s good or not. I have to work tomorrow though and I really really don’t want to. I have to miss the poetry slam. :-( Urgh.

I’ve been in one of those moods recently where I’m insanely angry, but I don’t know why. Like…you know those days where you just want to get a box of expensive glass and throw it towards a brick wall? Yeah. So let’s pretend it’s Patrice’s birthday and get her glass objects to break. I would have a screaming party, but I can’t scream without coughing anymore. Poop. At least I’m getting better at holding my anger in. I haven’t exploded at anyone. In fact, I’ve been acting quite chipper this week. It’s not normal anger. It’s…I don’t know… it’s the kind of anger that slowly eats away rather then exploding right away. If that makes any amount of sense.

So I told myself I’d type up atlest some of my poetry today. But I kinda feel like writing an email to someone. Hm. I don’t know.

Watching Les Mis last night was crazy. Well, it was an awesome show to begin with. But the set had the windows like Melanie and I spent days on making square. And the music just brought me back to ushering and then to now and it’s crazy. Just crazy. Dude...Melanie...Les Mis was awesome. ::nods:: I know I’ve said this before, but we should go back to Les Mis. Minus a few factors. You know what I mean, ;-). Haha.

Okay dudes. I’m off to slack some more. Check ya later my supa fly G’s.

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 11 March :: 9.40 am
:: Mood: Restless

No pressure
Yes. I am quite restless. I can’t sit still. I need to do something. I don’t want to go to band today. I have to tell Lestina my decision about orchestra. And I don’t know what to do. Honestly- right now- I don’t know what the hell I want or who I am or what is going to best influence my future. Lestina gave me a speech yesterday about how every decision I make from this point on is going to shape who I become. Uuummmm…. Is he aware of who he’s talking to? Let’s make this decision a little harder on you and tell you that your future character depends on whether you stay in orchestra or not!!! Sweet! No pressure. Okay. I don’t even know what college I want to go to or what I want to major in or if I want to stay at Rivertree or what I want for lunch. Most of those are life altering decisions. Let’s add orchestra to the list of life altering decisions that still need to be made. Good. I did need more things to not worry about.

Now remember…no pressure. Don’t make yourself crazy over these things! I mean, it’s just everything. But still…don’t drive yourself crazy over them. But the decision needs to be made… right now. Don’t worry though. If you get it wrong, you won’t have another chance. You only have one life. But still…no pressure. No pressure. Patrice…let’s do this. I won’t pressure you, I swear. But I’ll sit here and beg until you say yes. I’ll listen to you…as long as it’s the answer I want. Otherwise there has to be something wrong with you. What’s wrong with you? Nothing? No, it’s not nothing. Tell me. Don’t worry. I won’t get mad. There’s really not nothing wrong with you. Of course I know you better then you know yourself! I can just tell these things. Tell me…but really…no pressure. What? Did you say yes? Sweet. That must mean everything’s okay. Like I said…no pressure. Why do you look sad? You should have said no. Why do you worry like that? You think I won’t want to be with you anymore? Well it’s not true. That doesn’t matter. What? You tried saying no? Well…I’m sorry. Now I’m sad. Please don’t be mad at me. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. What? It’s all good. Okay, good. Like I said…no pressure. Patrice…come talk to me! We haven’t talked in ages! Did you do your homework? Yes?! That’s your only answer?! God! You never talk to me! Never! But I understand if you don’t want to. If I’m really that bad of a mother, it’s fine that you hate me. Really. No pressure. What? You’re tired? You want a day to relax? Well…I understand. Quit your job! Really! We’ll pay for everything! We told you we’ll only pay for a part of college…but hey! Who needs to pay tuition?! Like I said…quite working. You don’t need the money… Really…no pressure. What? Me? Depressed? No way! I’m happy now! In two minutes though, I’ll be sad again. And it’ll probably be your fault! Why? Why not! Because if I didn’t have kids, I wouldn’t be in this situation, I wouldn’t be married. I would be happy with my life. And you guys just keep bring me further and further down as I realize how much you hate me. But really…be honest with me. No pressure.

That probably makes no sense at all. But the bell’s going to ring soon and my eyes feel like they’re about to light on fire and fall out of my head.

PS- I’m insane. Just so you know.

Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 10 March :: 9.23 am
:: Mood: exanimate

Nazi Librarians
News of the day: Xanga is officially blocked on school computers. Gasp. I know. How am I going to be updated on everyone’s lives?! It’s a monstrosity. Wow, I spelled that right on the first try. I truly am a god. But really…what’s it going to help blocking Xanga from us? Because if you have a Xanga you probably have a billion other journals which aren’t blocked. So I guess it’s back to woohuing for me. ::shrugs:: It’s more fun anyways. Plus I know the thousands of you that read this journal will need updates o my life as well. :-P

So. I feel stupid. You want to know something? I’m a bad person. I’m a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, a bad sister, a bad daughter. Ryan got mad at me last night for not being…what’s that word? I don’t know. For being the one who sits and waits for him to say or do something. And the thing is… I know I do it. And I’ve known that it bothered him. Why do I do it then? I’m scared. God, I’m so scared. If I take the initiative, what if he doesn’t want to return it… you know? I know. I’m being stupid. But…god. He was telling me all these things that I don’t do and how it kind of bothers him. Simple things that should be completely obvious to me. Which they are, I just am evil and terrible and do nothing about it. What he said makes sense and I feel bad.

But, I don’t know. He got mad…well not mad…annoyed because I’ll be hugging him and then I’ll lose my balance and you know me…I’m a klutz. Plus…he’s taller then me. So to hug him I stand on my toes sometimes. Don’t ask me why. Then he’ll move and me…leaning on him while standing on my toes.... isn’t aware that he’s going to move, so therefore I lose my balance. I don’t know. Everything he said makes sense. But I’m clumsy beyond belief. After seeing a movie I can’t walk out of the theatre without tripping over my own feet. It’s not like I mean to lose my balance so often. So I don’t know what to think.

He deserves much better then me. In my eyes at least. I really really don’t think I deserve him. He’s so nice to me and I freak out about the stupidest things and he puts up with it. Holy hell. I just sound crazy now. You know what? I’m just really bad at showing that I care about him. You would think the girl is the one who gets annoyed because her boyfriend shows no emotion. But no. It’s quite the opposite in Patrice land. Quite scary, eh?

I just feel bad for not being good enough. And that’s my story. So it’s official. I’m heartless and cold and I need to be unselfish. ::nods::

I just took this allergy stuff to make me feel better. On the bright side…I can breath. The darker side…I can barely stay awake. Gov is going to be good fun today. ::commands you to sense the sarcasm:: But I am getting a smoothie after school maybe. Which rocks my socks which are really my brother’s but I ran out of socks today so I’m wearing them. My mom wants to get me tested to see if I’m anemic. But every time I think of that I word I say ameobic. Like amoebas. Hm. I want to write an email to someone. I wonder if aol works on these Nazi computers.

I still have the Kimis and her Smithis in my binder thing. It’s weird. Remind me to take it out. Just because it seems that I have a Kimis obsession. Which…as you all know…I do. But I can’t show it. Pish. Urgh. My eyes are starting to hurt. So this is where I stop. Adios mi mejores. (What does that mean? I don’t know either…)

4 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 28 February :: 9.22 am
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: Is it really a brotherhood?

2 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2005 29 January :: 3.39 pm
:: Mood: bored

I feel very black. Haha. No really. I'm wearing all black right now. For my self portraits. Hoping these will be cool. I left my costumes in Jill's car. Doh. So I can't use those now. :-( Makes me sad. But I'll be okay. My cat and dog are fighting now. Haaa. Stupid stupid dog. The cat won. Woo!

I now have 3 big bruises on my knee. And one on my arm. It hurts like H E double hockey stick. Or Hell. But swearing is bad. Tehehe. I just drew a square on a piece of paper. Haha. I am so exciting.

The little Key-sta(s?) might see Phantom tomorrow. Much Woopage.

Diantha two is working today. So hopefully she'll be gone by the time I get there. Argh, this new girl is the most annoying person ever. Think Shay. Then make Shay a 23 year old who can't add 6 and 4. Gahr. And I had to train her on box. My drawer was $9.50 off. -.- I feel bad for everyone working this morning with her.

Hol-ey Heeeelll. I'm bored. I don't want to work tonight. I'm working box with Brian. And yeah. Ryan thought(thinks?) I had (have?) a thing for Brian. Which I don't. But yeah. It's weird.

I have to go into work 30 minutes early.

You don't know how much I am kicking myself for not being able to drive. Urggggh.

I'm really tired now. Good night. I wish.

-Patrice

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?

:: 2004 25 December :: 4.43 pm

I don't want to work right now.......:-(

I just want to be lazy.

I already worked a 13 hour day this weeeeek.

Why me?

Why christ-a-mas??

:-(

Sad.

I'll tell more about yesterday and today later. Despite impending doom of work, it's been a good two days. ;-)

-Patrice

Are you a purple cow?

:: 2004 23 December :: 9.15 am
:: Mood: awake

This break I've been kind of hidden from the world. It's not bad entirely. The only people I've seen are Ryan and Sandy. I was supposed to see Jorie and folk last night, but they asked me to stay until close. They promised me New Year's off if I did, so why not? I wantot have fun on New Years. Yeah. It was a 13 hour shift. ::dies:: But I had fun. We're having a white elephant gift exchange with the people working on Christmas. It's Ryan, Brian, Mark, and Roger. Who are closing I think. And Ken. Celia's leaving at 6. Poo on her. But yeah, Ryan and Brian...I'm excited about working with that. Fun times.

Originally they put me out in box last night (after I opened box), but then Ken moved me to concessions because Ryan was there alone. Mwahaha. Yeah, Ryan said that he understands why we aren't scheduled in the same place. And other then the talking while we were supposed to be cleaning, it wasn't bad. I don't know. We showed you, Barker. Ha. I accidently called Justin Ryan though. Because they were both standing there and I was thinking "ryan" and looking at ryan, but talking to Justin. Yeah, then Ryan and I went to Mcdonald's and sat in the parking lot until 2ish. Nothing bad happened. We just talked. We were in the middle of a parking lot with people, for christ sake. So yeah, I snuck in at 2:04am and went to sleep.

The rest of my break hasn't been bad, actually. The first couple days almost killed me. But yeah. I finally saw Finding Neverland!!! Oh man. Remind me never to see a sad movie with Sandy. It felt good though, to cry at a movie. I think it feels good. But that's just me. Then we went and got peppermint hot chocolate and a huge ass cookie and ate and talked. Your basic Sandy and Patrice date scenario.

Tuesday with Psuedo-Christmas with Ryan. That was fun. We just hung out. We were planning on eating somewhere niceish, but we went to Portillo's instead. It's funny, the past two days I've had a total of two meals. Both of which were cheeseburgers. Yeah, working 13 hours on an empty stomach, ow. But yeah. I got Ryan a ferrat calender and a farside book. He's a hard boy to shop for. But he was better. He got me a charm bracelet and a Koala bear from build-a-bear with a Kerasotes name tag and a bow tie. Gabbie calls him "Charlie the Kerasotes Koala". Good times.

This past weekend was alot of shit. Have you ever seen a guy cry? Yeah. It's scary. Yeah, I learned I can't trust everyone on everything they say. Things are still rather confusing, I don't know what to say or do. But yeah. Hopefully they'll work out?

Now it's time to go to Caribou. If Jill remembers. If not, then I don't know. No book for me? ::shrugs:: Ryan was talking about maybe getting some food before he works today, so I'll do that instead. Then maybe a movie with Sandy and lots of cookie making. Yes. Yum cookies.

Oh! My mom got that awesome Juice stuff. Yuuum. :-D Makes me happpy.

Christmas is soon. I'm actually getting excited. Which could be bad. Christmas usually disappoints in this house. Not in terms of gifts, but family stuff. You know? Oh well. We shall see. If all else fails, I have my work chicitos to hang out with. Even though they're all guys, I think I can stand a few hours of dirty jokes. Hm. Maybe. ::shrugs::

Call me if you get bored or need to talk or what not. I'm here. Really. Except when I'm working. But I still answer my phone. ^.~ (That's a wink.)

-Patrice

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?