My Own Little World

:: 2005 4 March :: 7.24pm

so i definatly want to see cirque du soliel somewhere......i would go to australia to see them.......hell that'd be super awesome.

i want to see a broadway show really badly.......or even go to london

oh man

how about just a really big show in chicago......im supposed to go with jill and i really hope i can!

i also want to get my molars pulled.....

oh my lungs got all tied up when i was looking at the cirque stuff...

theres a show in toronto from the fourth to the twenty eighth of august!!!

i would drive myself up there just to see it.......and spend the seventy dollars on it!!!!

oh god........

going somewhere else would not only cure my desire to see it, but my desire to see something other than suburbia and fucking america!

ahhhhhhhh

i need to calm down i cant breathe......

oh i wanna meet gir too which i might be able to do!!!!!!!

know where.........someplace

know when......the week of JC......crap.

oh well ill be like gir is more important than running crew!!!

:: 2005 3 March :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Cirque Du Soliel- Saltimbanco

this is frustration
so what do you do when people are on your ass about college, your best friend doesnt even understnad your lonlienss an you have to hurt some guy cuz you dont even know how to handle relationships anymore?

you sit.

you're sick of losing friends, but used to it and its almost to the point where you would just accept it when it happens, as you know it's going to. you've come to the realisation that in three months, all friendships will be obsolete anyway. and that boyfriend you had, he's still just as dumb, and there's no chance of holding anyone tha close for a long, long time. you now understand love and the lack thereof. you are hating your parents currently because they arent even trying to understand where you are from, but expecting you to pull your life together easily. what do you do when everyone else has someone to tie the knot at the end of the stitches, but you are holding the fabric and trying to tie with your teeth. what do you say to yoruself when you find out you arent needed in even your own life?

you sit.

you wait.

say hello to nothing.

because nothing is there.

:: 2005 3 March :: 9.07am

dudes the play last night was amazing it was sooo good. It made me wish i didnt quit gymnastics...they were really good. Sandy and i laughed a lot, but sandy was uber loud. The tour was cool too because we got to go on the catwalk which was awesome. It amazed mye that they ;only had the 2 running crew members and the assistant stage manager and then the 5 cast memebers helping them out. They did "scene changes" i guess you could say while alice was still on stage but while she was doing rope acrobatic stuff... yeah it was really cool i was really glad i went plus, i got to scope out aparments...right blair? lol anywho i must depart to write a technical analysis on how to succeed in business without really trying.

:: 2005 1 March :: 8.59am

I can wirte when im angry, my writing is so much better when im angry in the past 2 days ive written 2 songs and 2 poems and im working on another...feels good

:: 2005 28 February :: 9.20am

woo happiness. Dont know why. I think it was just cuz the show is over and i got to hang out with people last night, it was fun. I havent done that in a long time, and in an even longer time with Jackie Jorie and Sandy. And i did have a hot fudge brownie sundae for dinner...lol. So im going to go to bed tonight! I have to remember to do fafsa too...thats due march 1st i believe. I applied to clc today, even though i got accepted into millikin yesterday. Still need to do an interview. Im cold

I had a very good birthday, it was very good thank you.

and many people are saying that the cast party sucked, well i think it was the best one yet. And i do know why that was, it was fun. except when sparky dropped me, me elbow still hurts and so does my eye but only when i touch it so i just wont do that.

I have a typewriter with earrings hehe

:: 2005 24 February :: 8.56am

AH! Im going to be 18 in 2 days!

Extremely frustrating day yesterday. My dad forgot about theatre fest, forgot about the band trip and not fogot that i have the play. I got one of those "when can i pick you up this weekend" calls, and it makes me so so mad that he never knows whats going on in my life even though he's always telling me he wants to know whats going on, and then i get phone calls like that after i tell him whats going on. Its really hard. I told him i had the play this weekend and he said well sunday then, no sunday i have strike i dont know when its over its over when were finished it could be 5 it could be 8...Then i tell him i have to go because he called me in the middle of the show yesterday and i shouldnt have even answered the phone... SO i get a call back form holly...which i always do every time i get in a fight with my dad, she calls to bitch me out and tell me how horrible i am and just sticks her little face in it. She forgets to! Why the hell do i always have to call and always sit there and tell them things when he says he wants to know whats going on in my life even though i know he's not listening to a word i say and he's not going to remember any of it. If they want to see me so badly why not come see the play that ive been working on? That might help, instead of them asking me to give it up and make extra time out of my already extremely busy weekend. I mean c'mon on top of that its my birthday satruday i want to sleep in saturday morning and then my mom is going to take me out to lunch and then ill be at school at 2:00 for the show, then the cast party and my day is over, sunday ill wake up and go to strike, and i alredy know there is a lot to do since we used nearly every light we have in this show.

Venting makes me hungry

Which reminds me, last night right when all this family drama was happening i was really really mad, so i get down from my tree house and im backstage and theres this person there and shes the only one around and i was really upset so of course i told her like everything that was going on which i dunno doesnt really make sense why i vented to her in the first place but i did and blah...dunno

:: 2005 22 February :: 8.58am

Im Sick of Being Sick! Its to hard. I've got crew and rehersals and school and blah. And who wants to take bets on my dad calling me this weekend asking if he can pick me up on friday? I'll bet anyone a trillion dollars that he's going to...Im sick of him not paying any attention to my life, he called me at Theatre Frest and the Band trip, both times where i was in champagin asking when he can pick me up... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I just need to scream!

:: 2005 18 February :: 8.55am

psh. Full run of the show today, its going to be sooo long!!! Ah! and then tomorrow is Tech Satruday!!! Which means more work all day! And then Lighting Sunday which i really dont think we need anymroe, i think we can finish saturday, depending on how much Strunkel slacks off. hahaha...

:: 2005 15 February :: 9.22am

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7
2.. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Blade Trinity, now there's a party
4. What is your favorite TV show? Gilmore Girls
5. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing
6. What is your favorite cuisine? Pasta, and pasta is a cuisie in my world, because im an unhealthy veg
7. What foods do you dislike? meat, flavored chips, and stuff thats too sweet
8. What is your favorite chip flavor? regular
9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I cant find my cd's at the moment
10. What type of car do you drive? camry
11. Favorite sandwich? Quiznos Veggie
12. What characteristic(s) do you despise? people who use people
13. Favorite item of clothing? a sweater/sweatshirt
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? France
15. What color is your bathroom? coralish off whiteish, i dont know but i dont like it
16. Favorite brand of clothing? ...not really any
17. Where would you retire to? florida to be with all the other old people and young people, and of course my rockin memories
18. Favorite time of the day? after dinner, i hate deciding what to eat
19. What was your most memorable birthday? my most memorable, was the worst, and thats why...dont ask if you dont know
20. Where were you born? Elmhurst
21. Favorite sport to watch? i dont currently do much of that
22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? everyone
23. Person you expect to send it back first? no one
24. What fabric detergent do you use! dont know
25. Coke or Pepsi? they both taste the same to me, Pibb
26. Favorite movie? Pirates
27. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night owl
28. What is your shoe size? 61/2 but i usually wear 7 cuz i move around all the time
29. Do you have any pets? cat, dog, turtle, 2 frogs, and fishes.

sweetyas

:: 2005 5 February :: 6.32pm

Random Poem I read
They asked mark about his family.
And he said he had none.
They asked mark about his friends,
and he smiled and asked
"You still believe in friends."

~Anon.

sandatthebeach

:: 2005 2 February :: 11.22pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: "Just moved into to 14G...."

Peanut Butter Cups
::sigh::

I'm so frustrated with myself...I'm frustrated because I don't know why I'm so frustrated.

Oh fuck. I just remembered two things: Round table discussion in US History which means I should probably go and review some things so I don't look like a total retard during class tomorrow and I was going to change my person for my resesarch paper in US History because I couldn't find any information on him...but I forgot. She wanted the sign ups to be done by today...and I forgot. Fuck. I'll talk to her before 8th period tomorrow...she likes me...maybe she'll let me change?

I hate myself sometimes.

I'm really worried about the show...and just stuff....self doubt is coming back...and it sucks.

And I'm really pissed because all my motivation has disappeared and all I want to do is eat and sleep...hence the immense weight gain. It's disgusting...I can feel myself being bigger. I say this as I eat pringles. God.

I just want to quit life. I don't want to go to school anymore...I don't want to take ACTs.....I just want to quit life.

Ok, I'm just continue end my complaint here otherwise this entry will be wayyyy too long.

Always, Sandy

:: 2005 26 January :: 7.16pm

college is for squares

:: 2005 22 January :: 7.40pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: bzz

i hate ~~parents~~ ~~friends~~ everyone
my mother is so mean. she came up to give me something from elaine and steve (so of course, she was drunk) and she started bitching about how my rooms a fucking disaster and all that shit.

well great, i said. if you dont like it then get out of it. you dont have to come in here, and neither does anyone else. its like that story nipple jesus. not to mention the fact that i dont like that she talks to herself, yet she continues to do so, saying "if you dont like it, dont listen." so i told her that. i also asked what, other than my room being a mess, what else is she not proud of me for.

she said my grades, which ill let you know is the thing that pissed me off the most. i really went ape after that. how could she say that? all shes ever wanted was B's and now i have B's and now "it's too late". how could she ever say that. what a great encouragement to get me wanting to succeed in college.

once i go away, i will not send her my grades. i will not tell her how i am doing. in fact, i doubt that i will do much talking to her at all unless she is sober.

the other things that have been pissing me off is her with gail. okie great she has friends. she spends loads of time on the phone with gail and then she hangs up and goes over to elaines. okie thats all fine and whatever, even though its a pain to wait for dinner sometimes. but the other day i came home after spending two whole hours with jen (and mushroom) and she asked where i was and i told her. "god you're always with jen....jen, jen, jen". where the hell does she get off saying that now?!? i havent hung out with jen in forever and she's supposed to be my best friend! not to mention the fact that shes allowed to but im not? what the hell.

oh. and another thing about gail. well they talk so often that now their kids lives are like trading cards and they compare everything. so shaun got a job at a pet store; shaun got a $4,000 scholarship; shaun got put up a rank in his ROTC; shaun got all A's this semester; shaun thinks latin's hard; shaun got a 26 on his ACT.

oh thats nice shaun. seeing as you are clearly prouder of shaun than of me, how about you go live with him. ill live by myself, which, by the way, i am not mature enough to do according to her. oh, im also not expirienced enough to drive in the snow, but mother how can i get expirience if im not allowed out of the house when it snows?!?

all i wanted for christmas was a coat and shoes and shampoo and conditioner.

they told me to ask for more and got me an mp3 player and now i cant get my wisdom teeth pulled. im mad taht im such a burden money-wise, but i would think two jobs could help that. i dont ask for money to eat out; i dont ask for money for anything petty. i asked for it for all state but i wont ask for this show shirt. i wont ask for anything that i cant handle. im trying to buy a new computer before graduation. ill ask for a college education if they ask me what i want. that and my wisdom teeth pulled.

oh, damn. im complaining again.

you'd think the people who supposedly love you would be a tad more supportive.

i hate people. hermitism it is for me.