goose
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2005 18 January :: 10.06pm
I dont want to update my journal, i have nothing to say to the people that read this
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2005 18 January :: 3.36pm
:: Mood: envious
:: Music: "the nightmare before xmas"
hm...
so...twice now ive been told that im more important than worldly possessions. doesnt that make me feel good? hmm...
Are you a purple cow?
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goose
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2005 10 January :: 2.44pm
Somebodys eyes are watching...
(Footloose) LOL
So Theatre Fest has come and gone and now i have to worry about band finals, normal finals, and getting my butt into college...wich is most likely not going to happen.
so the one college that will accept me i can not afford...and i am not elgible for ang scolarships since i have a low gpa and a lower than low act score. I should have auditioned this weekend, i wish i knew about it earlier...
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2005 2 January :: 3.50pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: incubus
finally on!
woo. my computer downstairs isnt working and ive been wanting to write in here but too lazy to come upstairs.
so...finishing portfolio. tmro is loading day and then i leave yay!
new years sucked. just like xmas. neil was drinking....yea la de da cuz im not with him. but i have a feeling he was lying to me when he was at school.
so that sucked.
and i didnt do anything...that sucked too
oh well...
you know those time when you feel like you just need a week away from it all.
i actually get it this time.
yay.
okie...portfolio so i can get into college time.
Are you a purple cow?
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sweetyas
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2004 29 December :: 1.02am
:: Mood: Amazingly chipper
:: Music: silence
My grandma's will ~~i know doesnt make sense with my mood
My grandma and i were working on her will yesterday cuz she was going to go on hajj. i must say i made the experiance much better, we had fun. When she read it to me the first time i started to cry, i mean i love i cant imagine not living with out her. i mean i met her in 2001 i havent really had enough time with her, adn she went ot iraq for wat 2 years of the time ive known her its weird. i dunno i told her to put a house in my name but she sorta wouldnt. but she did write in her will that if people were unhappy with teh descisions then i could change them. i was entertaining.
i worked on biology labs over break. omg thats a first for me. but i almost finished the first one and it only took about 3.5 hours. yea im screwed and i have five of these. it saddens me.
love y'all
yasamin
Are you a purple cow?
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sandatthebeach
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2004 27 December :: 1.28am
I hate not being able to do anything...other than sit here and wait. I'm being pretty vague. Basically in this journal, I write whenever I wanna post something that I don't want to in my Xanga mainly because that's more public than this one. I figured people (referring to the general public) has given up on reading this one because I hardly update it as opposed to my Xanga which is updated almost daily (for the most part).
It kind of sucks when you want to do something but you can't. Because it's not right. As much as it sucks for me, there's one thing for sure....I will always respect the existence of someone's boy/girlfriend. Basically, I will never try to rip apart one's relationship because of my own selfish desires. I'm really quite hopeless...and I feel too stupid to tell anyone what it is that I'm thinking.
As time passes, I find myself keeping my mouth shut about how I feel about my personal issues. I mean, I love it when people talk to me about what's going on in their heads...I'm more grateful that they trust me. It's just, I feel like such a dumbass because I don't know what to say back without trying to relate to myself. And that's why I'm such a bad conversationalist. I don't know what to say. In response, I usually start with "well, with me..." 'shut the hell up, Sandy. The situation's not about you so stop trying to make the conversation revolve around you', I tell myself.
But at the same time, I wanna tell someone how I feel or what I'm thinking because I've reviewed it so many times in my head and it just sounds stupid and immature......and desperate. I have these questions that I want to ask but I don't because I don't want to sound conceited or selfish.
I don't want to go back to school. I feel like such a failure right now and I'm so worried I'm not going to get into college and stuff (which, by the way, is the only thing I ever talk about now to people).
I need to shut up and get some sleep. My throat is gradually becoming worse and me staying up isn't doing it much good.
I'll take the day off tomorrow....I was gonna do some homework, clean my room, study for finals......I'm gonna just sleep and bake cookies with the cookie dough that Pa-Trice got me :-) Holy mother and a crapcake....she and her mommy gave me a huge ass tub of cookie dough. When Pa-Trice told me that she going to give me cookie dough, I thought it was going to be in one of the Ziploc baggies....enough to make like 5 cookies. Nope....I can make like a billion now. So cookie baking party at my house....Anyone...Anyone???
Always, Sandy
2 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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sweetyas
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2004 27 December :: 10.29pm
Random
YASAMIN |
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Y |
is for |
Yummy |
A |
is for |
Articulate |
S |
is for |
Snarky |
A |
is for |
Animated |
M |
is for |
Musical |
I |
is for |
Insane |
N |
is for |
Nervy |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 26 December :: 12.45pm
:: Mood: sad
we broke up.
4 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 25 December :: 12.54pm
So this Christmas eve hasn’t been all that bad. It really was….not so much that I hate it. I suppose it could have been a lot worse. Had I not spent the day with jen, I would have liked to see neil more than I did, you know, as if he were my boyfriend rather than seeing him less than campy. Not that I don’t like campy, just…oh if you don’t get it now don’t worry about it.
I did a lot of thinking today. Im going to talk to neil and tell him how I feel….i hope the response is not “I hate when you get yourself so upset about this.” Or “don’t be mad at me.” I don’t think I could feel any sadder than I am in this situation, and so if the worst should happen in our relationship, then I don’t think I could feel much worse.
I think ill regret it no matter what I do though.
Oh well. Nothing good could be enjoyed if nothing bad was suffered.
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 24 December :: 4.36pm
so merry christmas eve.
i hate christmas.
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 24 December :: 12.52pm
yay for my dad!
he went theatre college searching and found this funniness.
if you are not involved in the techie half of theatre, i fear you will not understand...
The Tech's Files
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 24 December :: 12.06pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Mannheim Steamroller Christmas Extrodinare
christmas eve eve
i want to go back to writing. i miss it. and drawing.
i saw finding neverland tonight with the sandy kim and trixy. it was really good. i cried.
i love spending time with them. they made the day not crappy, which, had i gone to festivus, it would have been. but instead we went to stunkels and movie and made cookies and opened presents. it was a party! really, it was the bestest "festivus" minus wrestling and confessions ever!
everyone got me zim stuff! yay! i love this show.
two minutes before christmas eve.
and the incubus dvd "alive at red rocks".
apparently, im predictably obsessive.
im going to drop neils present off in his mail box.
then leave a message.
no need to see him apparently.
so much for ice skating.
he's upsetting. i hate how you can have the most wonderful days and then come home and all the bad stuff rushes back to your head as if tomorrow will never come with more time to think about it. you dont get the opportunity to bask in the goodness of one day.
i hate home.
i'm going to re-read this journal some time from now and realise how odd my life went. how much i changed and what went wrong in things.
ill remember what i never wrote because i didnt need to; still having photographic evidence in my brain.
yay for not caring to scrapbook. scrapbooking captures only good times. people always are smiling in the pictures. they make you miss people because you remmeber how funny they are/were. but a journal remembers your emotions toward that person at certain times, and correctly dates (sometimes) the events, therefore organizing them chronologically.
im going to go to bed. goodnight and sweet dreams of a person you know you cant have.
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 22 December :: 11.33pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: who cares?
there are so many of those moods that i am. very indifferent to all the presents people are giving me. i love them but then the situation's still the same so its like a momentary high. im frustrated with my mum. i just want to be left alone because its not something anyone understands apparently. they tell me to talk to him but how am i supposed to talk to someone who tells me "dont be mad at me"? so im angry at that and sad cuz he's not being a boyfriend. ive seen him three of the six days he's been home, which hasnt been since thanksgiving. festivus is clearly more important than getting his gift. i promise i wont call him until after christmas, except to say merry christmas to him and his family.
my lips are dry and hurt. my body hurts and im exhausted. i just want to sleep, but the more i think about neil, the more prospective all the above (or below) listed guys sound. i want to persue jeramiah, even if only for a week in january (he lives in rockford). stunkel'd be fun too, but i wouldnt want to leave him at home. it's too tough of a situation. matt smith is by far the hardest to pass up.
today i went to his house and he's so comfortable and gentle, yet playful and not nervous. he leaned over me to look at the cd that i asked him a question about cuz it was on the table, and i just wanted to kiss him. im really having difficulty.
neil didnt even try to get me to the door to say goodbye. i dont think he cares that im being distant. either that or he hasnt noticed.
hm...where'd that come from? i think i drooled on my pants.
goodnight. im going to work tmro. i sort of like not having a life. relationships dont change in your head if you dont keep up with them.
2 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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sweetyas
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2004 23 December :: 11.19pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Old Navy Comercial
My life
So i dont think im one of those people taht just hates others, i really dont hate anyone, i mean i sometimes dislike someone but i dont hate people. I absolutely hate this girl i work w/ i mean hate her i cant stand workign with her. She is just so freaking lazy. Ok big deal you can type on the computer, i can too, but that doesnt mean u can ignore the phone and the customers you shud ring up some customers. GRR.
OMG, dont go through the drive thru. Im serious man. you are torturing the people who work where ever. At the pharmacy we get these people who use the drive thru (their right) but its torture. It's freezing and we're (the ppl who work @ the store) arent wearing jackets adn its cold. yea another rant
I saw beauty and the beast yesterday. The set was amazing. it like entertained me the whole show, i had to be like stop focus on show. it was so pretty and the stage goes up and down and things come down from the ceiling. i was like omg. the actors were good too. they had amazing voices but i didnt like the girl they picked for belle so the show was all ruined for me. belle was supposed to be pretty (thats why she was named belle) and htey had a chubby girl playing her i just didn't like it. And the costumes were amazing. they had the gold dresss adn it was big and fluffy i liked it.
i still i have to give jorie and patrice their xmas present so they (hint hint) should give me a call so that we can hang out and i can give it to them.
This break has been ok so far. i have to start my bio h/w cuz im screwed so far. Well adios
Yasamin
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 21 December :: 3.51pm
:: Mood: working
:: Music: was Nightmare b4 xmas
im bored. shonsky's fixing the vcr-reciever-tv-cd connection. not for me to do. yay...cheerleaders...
its a video from two years ago. a senior video.
so last night i sort of flipped out and stunkel, mushroom, and campy were there. i feel bad but my mum was being super bitch again. she wouldnt believe that i was at the mall. she thought i meant that i had been there from ten in the morning until eleven at night. had she looked at the book that i gave her of all the things i have planned, she would have known that. also, had she just asked, she would have understood. i originally got mad cuz i have never done anything to give her a reason not to trust me. i dont drink, smoke or drugs, i dont steal, i havent gotten a speeding ticket, im doing better with my grades.
so now it's 1:26am on 22 december. im no longer at work. im even more exhasted now. i went to allstate, and then worked....and worked, oh and guess what? worked while other people were partying where i work. this is the second time im typing this cuz i hit something and it all went away.
i spent the day with stunkel on monday. he is so fun, he makes you feel good. he makes you laugh so much you forget everything else in your life. now that i think about it, thats why i want to go back to allstate. i am so busy, within three straight days, i thought about my family and shitiness for a whole ten minutes. thats 10/2160 minutes. matt smith makes me feel good about myself. he knows the right thing to say and he's not afraid to be close. jeremiah is at allstate. he's sooo cool. i almost wish i didnt have neil just so i could flirt and joke and not feel bad about it. i actually dont that much anymore. angela and laura killed the ultra flirtiness; now its just fun. all these guys are smart and can figure out that girls dont want to be ditched for certain stuff, other things of which they could be taken to and be included. or even be ignored.
btw, i think neils ignoring me. granted, he's sick. but when im sick, (and everyone i know), i want to be around someone special, just to be held. but he told me not to come. and he didnt come to my show. and he wont come to the other. he wont come to stunkels because he's going to festivas. so ive seen my boyfriend 2/5 of the days he's been home, when i havent seen him since thanksgiving.
jens sort of getting the point, but i know she still has more interesting things to think of. i should have been telling her all my frustrations last night, but shes never there for me anymore...not that she was ever easy to talk to.
my horoscope today said basically that because ive been "doggedly persueing my future", a get-together would "make [me] realise how much [i] really mean to people."
it makes sense. i still feel sad though. i dont want to be like YKW.
i want to go ice skating. i wanted to go with neil, but i dont know if that'll happen. i dont want to finish his xmas present because i got him and i matching rings. i want to get frames for our homecoming and prom pictures. maybe ill just get an xbox controller (used) and be done.
im exhausted. g'night. sweet dreams of "the one hiding under your stairs with fingers like snakes and spiders in [his] hair!"
Are you a purple cow?
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