"If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you" ~Winnie The Pooh
"Life isn't fair. It's just fairer then death. That's all." ~William Goldman
Always look on the bright side of death!
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!
-Spamalot
::
2004 27 June :: 12.51am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: the fierce beating of my heart
fucking boys!
so neils party was today...and it was fun...until the guys started to play video games...
for like four straight hours~same spots, same game...same shit!
so...obviously not able to join the girls relocated...soon to be overtaken by more videogame whores (like gaz from Invader Zim)...jackie, hul and benton...they wanted to race...so we left...actually....i left. people were playing guitar...cant do that...and on the computer...can do that at home...flirting (when they arent supposed to) ....and what else? video gaming. i dont think patrice had very much fun near the end either...she askeed me to go for a walk...
what pissed me off too, is that melanie...remember...dangerous girl from a few months ago...gave him boxers...
i thought it was weird for girlfriends to give guys boxers...but she did...
then...after five hours or so of not talking to me...and after i had left several times to drop people off or just plain leave...he noticed i was gone...probably only cuz goli or melanie asked where i was.
so when i went back...still playing...still fucking playing...
"neil, i'm leaving"
and melanie asked for a ride...
and neil asked for a hug...
what the fuck!?!
yea...thats right...wtf!
after all that not-spending-time with anyone thing...you want a fucking hug?
so i took her home...she forgot her purse...may i allow myself to state that my fucking gas light is on!??!
so i take her back to neils...she gets the purse...and i take her home...
i get home
"i dont wanna go home..."
i go back to neils...im gonna tell him im mad.
i go in.
he comes out with me.
"you realise you didnt spend any time but a whole ten minutes with me?" (yea, of nine hours...wonderful boyfriend) "cuz you were playing video games....i tried to get you outside and i tried to get your attention cuz im bored as fuck" (goli and i carried him outside to play wrestle but low and behold...he went to play games, complaining about how he was winning....fucker)
"you're mad at me for trying to have fun?
"whatever...bye."
no hug for the noo noo...
no kiss for the noo noo...:-D
i realise its sorta dumb...but being a host to the party, you cant just forget half you guests.
whatever...::Sigh::
its wonderful the mother isnt home...free reign.
no gas tho...anyone know where a citgo is around here? its the only card i have.
Patrick
Thats the name of the guy from work. So, i talked to mel after i posted the last entry and she talked me into dating him. She had a very good argument. So i gave him a call the next day and was like ....hi....this is yasamin. It wasnt much of a convo, but we made plans to see a movie, and none the less i managed to lie to him. (I didnt want him to show up to work) so then he called me later that night and wanted to know if i wanted to go to dinner (i found that out the next day). i called him and we talked. Then i talked to mel and convinced her to be my stalker on the movie date just in case he was a crazy or a raper. So she said i cant do it on saturday how about sunday (not exactly but anyway) so i called him up and told him taht and we had a somewhat actual convo adn decided we were gonna see a movie (i think he wanted to see a comedy but we were gonna go see the 9/11 movie) and he wanted to go to the beach afterwards. i thought that was cute and romantic. Afterwork on friday i decided i couldnt go through with this, im just not ready to date and if i start dating id want it to be someone i actually wanna go out with meaning i know him. Plus, i cant like i get so nervous and AHHish. So then today that was the first think i did at like 1 o'clock i called him and was liek um i dont want to date anyone right now. he then was like why? and iwas like o shit im not going to explain it to you (and tell you im 17 and muslim) and just said family problems. He was just so nice about it all sweet and arg, and he was liek whats going on, and i was like its personel and ur a really cute guy and seem so nice. bye. then he said u're attractive and when things settle down maybe we can go out and is it ok to keep in touch/ ARG stupid guy. So i was like yea.
Half an hour later he calls (i dont have my phone with me) and says i wanna ask you one last question so give me a call.
SO the question is should i give him a call or just end things and never talk to him again?
singing
Subconscious strange sensation
Unconscious relaxation
What a pleasant nightmare
And I can`t wait to get there again
Every time I close my eyes
There`s another vivid surprise
Another whole life waiting
Chapters unfinished, fading
Closer now - Slowly coming into view
I`ve arrived - Blinding sunshine beaming through
There`s a house I`m drawn into
Familiar settings, nothing new
There`s a pathway leading there
With a haunting chill in the air
There`s room at the top of the stairs
Every night I`m drawn up there
There`s a girl in the mirror
Her face is getting clearer
Young child won`t you tell me why I`m here?
In her eyes -I sense a story never told
Behinde the disguise - There`s something tearing
At her soul
"Burn the women and rape the crops"
tonight was fun. i didnt actually expect to get out. first i cashed my paycheck (oh yeah) then went to tokyo bowl with wender and spencer. then spencer and i went to world market where i got my baskets which were 2o dollars more than last time. poop. but i bought them then then... then we went to my house and spencer left and i went to the dealership to drop off my car theni ate pizza by myself and jackie called me but i didnt know it and so i scrapbooked then i noticed jackie called me like hours earlier and i went to the park, which was halirious these other people form out school showed up and stunkel, q, neil and campy ran around the park and screamed burn the women and rape the crops, and stulnkel took his pants off. ew! then we went to baskin robbins and jackie and i shared this really good ice cream. then these people were driving in the parking lot, and like id ont know what they were doing but it was bad and i was going to call the police but then the police came. and campy was so funny, you had to be there, then wender walked there and he showed up right when we were leaving then we went to bentons and ashley and i "fought" over my pants...theni fell and it hurt, then i left and now im home...on line. yup i think that concludes my day, ill be right back i have to go write down my dream from last night.
me"why'd you stay?"
him"because if i went home, id just worry if you were ok. i didnt want to think of you crying and wish i was here helping you stop."
fight with mother
she started asking neil when hes going to canada to start his cruise to alaska...
in two weeks she wants to send me on the same flight to canada so i can spend time with the relatives which ive been dying to do.
only thing is...ive been promised soo much...that i give up on believing her...and so i told her so
and neil told me it seems like i pick my fights with her...
so i explained to him how hard it is to have patience with her...
because she doesnt remember and she repeats and shes slow and she hates people for no reason and gets pissed off so easily....and the whole bit....with examples...
and i had to do laundry
so i got up...and she was sitting on the stairs...
that pissed me off...
that is horrible disrespect.
and neil calmed me down...because hes a sweetheart...
but i asked if it bothers him when i talk about my family and stuff...cuz i told him how jealous i am of his perfect family and family outings and kind mother who cleans his room and shit...
and he said "it bothers me when you upset yourself"
for some reason
my heart dropped
and it hurt
i dont understand. why did it hurt when i heard that?
maybe i dont want to hurt him...
or maybe because i realised i just spent twenty minutes of his time making him hate me.
maybe thats why...
im not sleeping for a while...
i dont want my eyes to be puffy in the morning...
i talked to 'shonsky:
im cold-hearted and horrible.
him hey
me hi
how are u
am okie nad you
ehh i've been better but otherwise ok
why
I"m jsut getting sick of ppl
oh yea?
who
jsut ppl overall
like not everyone but ppl
lol
yea....right....you're lying
no i'm not...i'm sick of Disrespect from ppl
no one respects me..
i know
have you ever thought of soem disrespect you show them as well tho?
yea i know i do 2
an egotistical, overpowering image you have...everyone thinks you see yourself as better as they are
but i'm ont
no matter how confident you really are...thats how you appear and sound
you're teling me you're not...but im telling you why you arent respected
you should listen to me rather than deny
no no ...i don't think of myself better than tohers
am friends with the people you work iwth everyday mike....
lol
yea
you dont understand...im not saying you really do
im telling you how you appear
how people want to treat you because they feel like you treat them like they are all beneath you
when most of them have been in theatre longer than you
there is only one person i don't respect or think of as an older brother.....and that is Chris...i have no respect for Q and Stunkel at all..otherwise i love them all like ppl i ahve respect for
battlestarre: why dont you respect Q and stunkel
Q shows my no respect from square on.....he yelled at me cause he was 3 hours late for a rental...and stunkel...hes a great guy but i jsut can't take him seriously...i came home with a headache today..
but Chris, wender, Hul, Spencer, I lvoe them..the are like my father.without them i would know notihng.....i have no disrespect for them at all....i have more respect for them then i do for a lot of ppl......i just try to fit in with them...fit in with everyone..
stunkel....hes tough to understand...he is one who was never really taught how to be pissed off....either that or grew up in a place where he saw so much hurt and pain that he only wants to make the world happier.....same reason i dont get down that much
Q......
this is the reason he disrespects you
honestly, just like a good amount of us
hes jealous
waht
your parents would do ANYTHING for you
jealous
listen to me
just fucking listen
ok
both him and stunkel live in apartments
his parents are divorced
his mother hates him....tells him so....tells him everyday how much of a disgrace he is...how she wishes he was never born....
he goes to his dads and gets the shit beat out of him
tehy dont give a shit about his theatre
his accomplishments
you
you have money
you have people who love you in your house
no matter how much they say to you about your weight
they care because that is your health
they call teachers to tell them taht you deserve better
obviously because they truely believe it
mike...Q......he....he is struggling to get his hours sheet signed.
you see?
its tough man
and you were talking about you new car and you twenty dollar allowence
thats tough to take
not only that
when you began.....and youve gotten better but still do this
you acted like you had years under your belt
and knew exactly what you were doing
and as a result of that....are better than everyone else
because you know more
that pisses EVERYONE off
it always has
and i totally understand
if all your life you havent been respected by your peers
because i never was either
theres a certain point where you need to gain their trust
the fact that you try to fit in
let me point out how horrible this is
you should not do this so much as be yourself
i know youve heard it a thousand times
but doing what you're told...asking questions if you really dont know
being among friends rather than being among children
do you understand waht i mean?
............yes.....
really or are you just saying so?
no...i jsut never new this
i know
i'm crying
but can you honestly tell me that if someone tried to tell you you would listen?
all i wanted to do was to fit in..but instead all i did was make it worse
or would you think they were trying to be horribly mean?
exactly
but people give you loads of chances
if you work on it
ill tell everyone to chill
really
like i sorta see where youre coming from because your parents seem like control freaks....which would result in such
sorry i dont wanna make you cry.
but the truth hurts.
::hug::
you just gotta work on it okie?
:i know exactly waht to do
okie good
just dont hurt yourself okie?
ok...
i smell like popcorn and butter and its sick. ugh.
so you know when you just have those days where you feel like your nobody and your just nothing special and no one will remember you when they leave or go off of just anyhting and then you go hang out with people and they're supposivly your friends and they dont even notice that your there and they tell you they dont even know your there, but then theres some people that you would actually expect above all to actually talk to you, and they dont say a word to you but they walk right in front of you...yeah that makes me feel special. whats your name again? oh yeah...yeah i dont remember you at all...darn!
the lesson learned here, is that there is nothing to learn is there? maybe i should start making loud obnoxious entrances...then everyone will know im there. thats the only solution i can think of...any suggestions?
i dont know if the mood word realy works....but it sounds smooth with a bump [the p] and ends with a snap...like my day!
neil was sweet
i wasnt feeling well...and he got me water and i told him not to kiss me so he didnt get sick and he didnt and then wehn i was leaving he told me to go to sleep early and not stay out til like midnight so you can get better...:)
tonight, tonight/today was not bad. i woke up and was just like dammit what am i going to do today, so i asked spencer and he told me to go to panera, so i went to panera where all the ppl that work at the school were having their lunch break, i didnt eat anyhting i just sat there, then it took me and hour to get home cuz of stupid traffic and i baked a cake. then...then we went to dinner and saw bo, that was fun we got free bread. thennnn we went to my house to eat my cake and went in my backyard and didnt really do anything. and oh man wender wore my jacket, hat and scarf and he looked so funny i took a picture. yeah then everyone left and spencer came back then he left and i got a really long e mail from my aunt, and my cousin is going to paris thats so cool!!! and now im here, so im going to go to bed now cuz i have to work tomorrow at 12. poop. okie good night. aw i gtotta drive my sister to gymnastics too double poop! okuie bye bye
Work
You guys know me and myself esteem issues and how i think im a horrible butt. Well, today made me feel like im not a horrible butt. Story time. I was at the pharmacy today working(it was so SLOW) so i went to the front of the store to get something and pharmacist guy was like hey if you see a tribune cna you get it for me, and i was like yea sure (hes cool pharmacist guy). so i get it and were still slow and hes done with it so i go to put it away (yes you get all the details cuz this made me feel special) so there is a guy reading like the headlines so im like excuse me and i put in its place and walk away and then he comes behind me and like talks to me right and then i go back cuz im like ok. then i dunno he stalks the pharmacy for a bit, then i ring up some people and hes like um heres my number blah blah. so im like ha, im not htat ugly. and he wasnt like some ugly mexican 40 year old guy he was cute. So now the problem is that i have to call and him and tell him im not interested and that he shouldnt talk to me ever ever again in the pharmacy b/c me mother works there (yea i cant date or hang out with guys). Problems, so i need to be able ot say that elquoently. yea. its funny how ppls actions just make you feel better. i looked like shit today, im breaking out and i worked twice i didnt have time to liek to put on make up or even try to make me hair look nice so it was like omg i might be able to get a guy ( even if it is by going to iraq and getting any guy who wants to go to america and not blow himself up or any of that whoo haw). SO yea, thats all, ifyou guys ahve ways of saying that kindly (to the guy) tell me cuz yea.
LAYER ONE:ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Jill
Birth Date:2/26/87
Birth Place: Elmhurst Memorial Hospital
Eye Colour:Brown
Hair Colour:Brown
Right or Lefty:Lefty
Zodiac Sign: Pisces
Horoscope:huh? Pisces? what does that mean?
LAYER TWO:ON THE INSIDE
Your Heritage: Polish and Czechslocakian
Shoes worn today: slippers and my target flip flopsYour
weakness: im very tickilish
Your fears: i think im afraid os snakes but im not sure onle if theres one right there and loosing someone i care about.
Goals: life long or short term?
LAYER THREE:YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
Your most overused phrase on AIM: i really dont know i dont really pay much attention to what i say
Your thoughts while first waking up: i dont wanna go to work...
Your best physical feauture: uh none cept my height which is awesome, espically when i need money for school hehehe
Your bedtime: im usually asleep as soon as i get home so like 11 ish but tonight i can not sleep cuz im not tired at all
Your most missed memory: i just wish i could go back in time to like les mis and re live everything and maybe change a few things...
LAYER FOUR:YOUR PICK
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonalds or Burger King:mcdonalds
Single or Group Dating:well...being as ive been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we've onle gone on 3 real dates, i really wouldnt know. but i guess it really depends on my mood.
Adidas or Nike: payless!
Lipton Tea or Nestea: i hate iced tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: both are very good
LAYER FIVE:DO YOU?
Smoke:no that is the most disgusting thing ever!
Cuss: im trying to quit
Single:nope! :)
Shower: yup
Have a Crush(es): i do but i havent in a very long time
Think youve been in love: yes
Like my highschool: yes
Want to get married: i've already made the shower invitations, but i havent figured out the party favor thingy yet...i think im in trouble
Believe in yourself:not most of the time, obviously otherwise i would have auditioned for all state which i should have cuz i woulda made it...sure NOW i believe in myself!
Get motion sickness:oh yeah i hate it
Think your attractive:not at all
Think you're a health freak:i dont know i cant handle too many sweets tho, sensitive stomach, and i get sick so i dunno
Get along with ur parents:yeah
Like thunderstorms:yeah, i perfer just rain tho then i can play in it
Play an instrument: bass clarinet
LAYER SIX::IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank Alcohol:no
Gone on a date: yes
Gone to the mall:just today to get a controller for spencer's x box
Eaten an entire box of oreos:no oreos are disgusting i hate them
Eaten sushi:never
Been dumped: no, never actually
gone skating: not in the past month
gone skinny dipping: no...:(
Dyed your hair:never
Stolen anything: no
LAYER SEVEN:HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that requires removal of clothing: no but i got close once
Been trashed or intoxicated: nope
Been caught "doing something":what does doing something really mean? like what? if it means what i think (ew) then yes. sorry
Been called a tease:nope
Shoplifted: no
Changed who you were to fiit in: yeah, how can you not? espically in junior high
LAYER EIGHT:GETTING OLDER
Age you want to get married:soon!
Number of kids: 2
Describe your dream wedding: all the details? no no theres no time for all of it, lots of flowers, outside, (hopefully he doesnt have allergies, that would suck if he was sneezing the whole time...no im just kiddint i would go inside if he was allergic) pretty, and perfect, yeah i really cant explain it all, i have a whole book about it ill show you later...eheheh
How to you want to die: laughing
What to you want to be with ur an adult: Phelan...cept me but i want his job
What country would u like to visit: mexico, and london! (i know its not a country duh)
LAYER NINE:IN A GAL/GUY
Best eye colour: there really is no best if it all goes well toghter then its best
Best hair colour: as i said before
Short or long hair: well normal guys have short hair, but in this case ive got a long haired boy, and you know what i like it!
Height: hopefully taller than me, thats not a hard requirement to meet
Best first date location: whatever seems nice at the time.
Clothing: not stylish but not stuck in tha past.
Best first kiss location: whereever we happen to be when we want to kiss
LAYER TEN:IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people I can trust with my life: maybe 3?
Number of CD's:more than 50 counting burned cds 100's
Number of peircings:my ears
Tattoos:none
Times my name has been in newspaper:3 or 4
# of scars on body: 5
Things regreted in past: did i mention i have a sensitive stomach? many many things... the most was candycorn and chicken nuggets (that night i barfed 9 times) and hot dogs, and anytime i eat meat and lots and lots of things...i cant possibly remember everything.
its 1:00 and i can't sleep im not even tired. Earlier i went to spencers house and watched a bunch of guys play video games all night blah. but first we went to pastabilities and i only ate 1 noddle. i guess i wasnt hungry. then, then i watched them play games, and tickle wender, he had a fuzzy thing on his sock and i just got it off and he freaked out, it was funny and much more entertaining than watching everyone else kill eachother. im wearing spencers purdue sweatshirt, which is weird in many ways, also because he's not even going there anymore. so im sill awake and still bored and theres nothing on tv and im not hungry and no ones on line, maybe ill walk to spencers house and look for his cat. sounds like fun. too bad i'd get busted for curfew cuz i live in libertyville and i still have a curfew...:( okie bye bye for now
::
2004 21 June :: 3.20pm
:: Music: "Lightning Crashes"~Live
i forgot to say i played in the rain today!!!
neil burned me a whole bunch of songs
heres one of them
"Lightning Crashes"
lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor
the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door
lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now, to the baby down the hall
oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.
lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she's been waiting for
the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored eyes,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide