"If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you" ~Winnie The Pooh "Life isn't fair. It's just fairer then death. That's all." ~William Goldman Always look on the bright side of death! Just before you draw your terminal breath Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true, You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you! -Spamalot

 

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My Own Little World

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sandatthebeach

:: 2004 7 June :: 4.59pm
:: Mood: itchy

mosquitos suck (no pun intended....patrice ;-))
i'm itchy all over... dudes i must have over 20 just from last night...mostquitos truly do suck (oh wow now i'm smiling...patrice you're a butt....a buttface to be exact). anywho...

i am bored. and by being bored i think. and by thinking i criticize everything damn thing about me. you know what my problem is? my self esteem is so low that it's pathetic. i know i talked to goli about this and i didn't realize how low my self esteem was until she flat out said "sandy, your self esteem is extremely low and you need to do something about it". she's right. i do. right now...i am at the point where if i'm not included...it's just something that's natural to me. i don't get offended...i don't get upset...it's just the way things are. i feel like i try to hard to "fit in". when i'm in a group setting...many times i watch myself from outside of my body (yes creepy..i know) and observe exactly what i do. i do thing for attention and i know it. but hey at least i admit it right? yeah.....

i saw kacie last night. i had seen her a couple times before...like when she came to see one of our shows....but last night was the first time in nearly 2 years that we actually "hung out". it was so awesome. the girl hadn't changed and boy was a i glad. you would think attending a different school and associating with other people would change her personality right? nope...she's still the kacie that i remember and love so much. i remembered why i loved spending time with her. she was one of those girls who didn't care about what others thought about her...didn't draw special attention to herself...she was very carefree and just an over all fun person. i could never be mad at her because how she portrayed herself was exactly who she was. she's also one of those girls who actually likes having fun...by that i mean when we play games/sports...she participates.....i know i suck but i try....she doesn't all girly saying she can't do it...she's the first to volunteer to join. she's awesome.

what is love? you know another thing i learned about myself? i don't believe in love anymore. i don't know what it is. i don't know what truly caring for someone is like. i thought i did. until the jerk decided he was too good for me. of course he found another girl who is obviously better than me...she has to be more outgoing...more flirty...more of everything...of course only the best for that jerk. now he's back from college and still treats me like crap. i tried talking to him the other night....cuz i hadn't since christmas...the boy signed off on me. probably got a call from his girlfriend...the one who's obviously better than me. grrrr just thinking about it still makes me cry. i trusted him with my life. i loved him to death. i don't mean i loved him...i truly loved him. he was...always there for me. when i was breaking down...nearly attempted the unthinkable...when i almost ended my life....he was the one who held my hand and helped me grow stronger and find a reason to live. when i believed that there was no more hope left for me....he made me believe. he saved my life.

and then he left me. he stopped talking to me altogether. that probably hurt more than everything else that i ever went through. the boy who saved my life left me and ignored me.

maybe that's why i don't believe in love anymore. maybe that's why when i start liking a guy...i'm a afraid....and i run away. i run away from every guy i start to like. every single one of them. and of course....i have no one else to blame but myself for my heartache.

now tell me...what is love?

Always, Sandy

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?


sandatthebeach

:: 2004 1 June :: 9.31pm

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I DON'T WANT TO FREAKIN STUDY FOR FINALS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ESPECIALLY FOR THAT DAMN CLASS, AMERICAN LIT HONORS YUCK!)

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?


sandatthebeach

:: 2004 1 June :: 1.25am
:: Mood: umprepared

I Hate Men
Well...yeah that too...i do hate men....but that's not the only thing i hate. i hate guys, boys, and finals.

i know what i'm doing differently next year.

woo.

blah.

yeah.

i can't stand this anymore...you know what i want to do? i want to write. but i'll spend weeks and weeks on just 15 lines or something...so it actually sounds good. Actually has some meaning rather than just random words.

i'll go do that...cuz i honestly don't think that i'll be able to fall asleep right away.

Goodnight.
Always, Sandy

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?


sandatthebeach

:: 2004 31 May :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: crushed

daddy played piano (well not my father)
i don't like this. well the song's good....but taht's not what i was talking about. i'm so.....well...i guess like waht my mood says...crushed. i don't think anyone really understands what i'm talking about....except maybe a couple people....but otherwise....i feel very dissatisfied with everything. i don't like being in the background but i am most of the time. at kei's party on saturday...i felt so out of place. it was cool tlaking to patrice...i really liked that...and i know she understands what i'm talking about when i say that i felt out of place. the same people who were there.....were just...there. it's hard to explain...but i don't know if i was ever friends with them. more like...they were people i used to hang out with. if i were to be asked to count the number of friends i have....i probably would only need one hand to count. i don't feel like i'm wanted in this place....i just kinda want to leave. and i'm not gonna tell myself to shut up...because that's how i really feel. i wanna get out of this place. leave. meet new people...."find" myself. i know it sounds incredibly stupid....but that's exactly how i feel...

i feel so let down. every where i turn...i come across disappointment. i'm sick of the daily gossip. i hate it. i don't want to have friends just to gossip...it gets old so quickly and so meaningless. yeah i find flaws in others and i critique them.....but who doesn't do just that? i'm my own worst critic and it's not cool. and i can't help but second guess everything people say to me. because what i hear is probably not what they're actually thinking of me. i just want someone to tell me "sandy, i don't like you when you do this...." "i hate you for this...." "i wish you would stop doing/saying this....." i want to hear these words...so badly....i want to hear them

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2004 31 May :: 3.33pm

A(n) ____ come(s) up to you, what you do is..
book:read it
Snake:pet it
Aunt:do i like her?
4 year-old boy:ask if he has a mummy
92 year-young man:ask if he has a mummy
32 pigs:run with the piggies
Bush:a bush? or the president...one id run in and the other from
mate:friend? say hello.
ex girl/boyfriend:say hello.
friend you have a crush on:turn red im sure
talking mongoose:lol yay! id try to talk it too
inanimate object:depends what it is...
random survey:do the survey

What you do.. brought to you by BZOINK!








justin timberlake or orlando bloom?
justin timberlake or brad pitt?:brad pitt
brad pitt or tom cruise?:brad pitt
tom cruise or george clooney:george clooney
orlando bloom or heath ledger?:heath ledger
orlando bloom or viggo mortensen?:viggo!
ejiah wood or jake glyenhall?:i guess elijah...whos jake?
justin timberlake or colin farell?:colin farell
paul walker or vin diesel?:paul walker
paul walker or tyrese?:paul walker

Him or Him? (grlsz only) brought to you by BZOINK!







What color do you think of when thinking of love?:red or pink (p[ink is puppy love)
What color is your favorite?:orange (sometiems green)
What color best discribes you?:um...a quiz said gold...orange or green?
What color best discribes your best friend?:a dark green
What color best discribes your life at the moment?:brown, mucky like
What color best discribes your life in the past?:orange or yellow or any bright colour
What color is your mood at the moment?:grayish
What color ice-cream do you like?:brown! chocolate
What hair color do you have?:strawberry blonde (real though)
What hair color do you wish you had?:i like my colour
What color eyes do you have?:greenish brown
What color eyes do you wish you had?:i like my eyes
What color dog(if any) do you have?:had: many colours...gray and black and tan and white..like sydney was
What color cat(if any) do you have?:allergic
What color is your bedroom?:lol many colours...green, blue, tan, magenta, red, blue-gray,super colour wall...

colors brought to you by BZOINK!

Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2004 31 May :: 3.26pm

The Generic Teenager Stereotype
Do you drink [alcohol]?:no
Do you party a lot? How often?:eh...not much
Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?:no
How often do you use the word like in an average hour?:erm...only exemplifying my odd things
Do you skip classes? How often?:nope...well once...but it was gym...
Do you have casual sex? Protected?:nope
Do you steal?:no
Do you wear inappropriate clothing?:no
Do you drool over celebrities?:only brandon...
Do you watch a lot of TV?:no...only "what not to wear"
Do you ever watch the News?:every so often
Do you even care about world issues?:eh...somewhat
Do you read books often?:yea...super much in the summer
Are you failing a lot of your classes?:yes, actually...
Do you spend most of your time with your friends?:no...at home...
Do you smoke cigarettes?:no...eww
Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?:naw...boring
Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?:nope
Do you cuss a lot?:fair amounts
Are you desperate to fit in?:not relally.
Are you intelligent?:i like to think i have some intellegence
The Goth Stereotype
Black lipstick?:no lipstick at all
Black eyeliner?:no makeup!
Black eyeshadow?:fuck you.
Black trenchcoat?:thats Q
Black boots?:ooh i want some...
Black fishnets?:nah...elisa has some
Black nail polish?:i have some...i chew it off tho...
Cigarettes?:eww
Heavy metal music?:i used to, not so much now
Marilyn Manson?:sometimes
Kittie?:at one time...
Cradle of Filth?:not really
Constant frown and perpetual angst?:lol the opposite
Do you like to be seen as:i dont know...
Are you an intellectual?:um.
An atheist?:not sure
Horrible home life?:of course...who doesnt?...oh! neil.
Hopelessly depressed?:no
Suffering with suicidal idealations?:no
Self-mutilation?:no
The Punk Stereotype
Plaid?:no
Big black boots?:i told you i want some
Mohawk?:no
Excessive piercings? [Especially facial]:no
Loud, confident and opinionated?:well yea...
Wild hair colors?:no
NOFX?:no
Rancid?:horrible
Well versed on political scandals and outrages?:no
A:Z
The Jock Sterotype
What's your IQ?:ACT:23...otherwise, average
Do you watch a lot of sports?:no
Play a lot of sports?:no
Talk a lot about sports?:no
Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?:no
Are you arrogant?:everyone is sometiems
Are you a male or female whore?:no
Are you homophobic?:no
Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?:no
But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?:i dont know...dont think so
Boobs = yes?:i have some?
Parties = yes?:not drinking ones...
Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?:no
The Girl Stereotype
Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?:less than most
Have you ever been on a diet?:lol junk food diets...
How much did you lose?:lol...somehow i lost ten pounds on pizza and cookies
Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?:no
Make yourself throw up?:no
Make-up?:no (yay patrice)
Low-cut tops?:no
How big are your boobies? [Cup size]:B-C
Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?:no
Giggle a lot?:yea
What's the deal with boys?:they're cool to hang out with..but the world should be rid of them as an opposite sex
Thongs?:no
Pretty bras?:annoying as fuck...
YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?:lol they're hilarious...
Who's the weaker sex?:girls strength wise, but enduring pain is guys
Are you a feminist?:not really
Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?:no
How often do you shave your legs?:wehn i feel like it or going out
How about your armpits?:when it gets too long
Are you emotional?:very
Especially when on your period?:oh wow yea
This Or That [Oh, that old coconut.]
Originality or Acceptance?:originality
Independence or Companionship?:independence
Stability or Freedom?:freedom
Personal or Interpersonal?:personal
Introvert or Extrovert?:extrovert
Popularity or Isolation?:i dont know...depends
Unique or Loved?:i think you can have both
Understood or Individual?:individual
You or Them?:you (me?) lol...i dont think i understand

How Stereotypical You Are... brought to you by BZOINK!

Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2004 31 May :: 2.45pm

awww




Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2004 31 May :: 1.26pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: green day (radio)

i just finished reading winnie the pooh....the real first story...

so saturday i had my interview

and sunday was the party at bertils

and then i invited people over

which was the whole problem in the first place

my mum and i went to get food

and we didnt ask my dad

and it pissed him off...

and understandably he needs to sleep

and they eat the food

but one must understand

i hardly see my friends

if at all

this is the first time in like five months that theyve come to visit me

so i get yelled at if they come over

and also if i go out

because i dont spend time with anyone

so i guess everyone my family wishes me to be a hermit, like every one of them.

i dont know...maybe everyone

because when some people whine about how they're never called, they dont exactly go through the motions to invite me...yet they can get mad...

that bothers me infinitely

but i suppose that doesnt matter...

ill be a hermit...again.

whatever.

2 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?


sweetyas

:: 2004 31 May :: 12.27pm

News
So this morning i was eating breakfast and arab news was on i was watching it right 2 things that i saw that i cant believe are going on in the world right now:

1. A little boy six or seven years old is sitting there crying. So he starts to talk (this is an interview) and says i woke up this morning hearing odd noises and then i walked out of the house to see my grandma dead on the ground right infront of me. THen i felt alot of pain and looked down at my leg and saw a hole there. (this is the part of the interview i heard and the sad part is that this is normal,if you work in hospitla in iraq ur used to seeing little kids with "holes" in their legs, i will let you guess who put hte hole in his leg, it wasnt an iraqi)

2. As you guys already know there is a little dispute in palastine. So today the kids were protesting. Like people our ages and younger. Actually probably no one over 14. THey wanted to have normal lives, to be able to go to school without being searched. When over a 100 kids plan and carry out a protest then i think its a big deal, especially if the majority is smart enough to think for themselves. But omg, kids you guys have had enough think about their parents. How can a parent watch their kids go through enough shit to actually plan a protest?

Are you a purple cow?


goose

:: 2004 29 May :: 6.10pm

humpty dumpty sat on a wall...

im so happy with my act score, its 3 points higher than last time, and for those of you that dont know what i got last time, im probably not going to tell you and for that im not going to tell anyone what i got this time either...im just going to say im happy. im going to isu now...with patrice oh yeah. and FRED! i love fred, he's gay, hes also a plant

Are you a purple cow?


sandatthebeach

:: 2004 28 May :: 4.15pm
:: Mood: impatient

easy finals day for me!!!
Here's my list of finals:
Friday (today):
-Dance 1
-Intro to Theatre
-Band
Tuesday:
-Spanish 3 honors
-NOTHING!!!!
-Chemistry
Wednesday:
-Trig Honors
-American Lit Honors

So looking at that schedule of mine...today was an extremely hard...hardest finals day ever ::rolls eyes:: it was so insanely easy and I loved it!!! Every finals day should consist of extremely easy classes...i love it.

We're going on our win-a-date tonight. I'm waiting for Goli to pick me up...she's not here yet and I'm a little worried. But then again there's still 14 mins left. I'm being too antsy. I wish I had a car. But I don't wanna show up at Hawthorn Lanes by myself...it'll be too awkward. So we're supposed to go bowling then go out for dinner. Um....yeah. I don't really know details....except we're going to Hawthorn Lanes. What's for food? I guess I'll find out later tonight.

Always, Sandy

2 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?


goose

:: 2004 27 May :: 5.34pm

Once upon a time I was of the mind
To lay your burden down
And leave you where you stood
And you believed I could
You'd seen it done before
I could read your thoughts
Tell you what you saw
And never say a word
Now all that is gone
Over with and done - never to return

I can tell you why
People die alone
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

Staring at the loss
Looking for a cause
And never really sure
Nothing but a hole
To live without a soul
And nothing to be learned

I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

Shapes of every size
Move behind my eyes
Doors inside my head
Bolted from within
Every drop of flame
Lights a candle in
Memory of the one
Who lives inside my skin

Are you a purple cow?


sweetyas

:: 2004 25 May :: 10.50pm

People
im not sure if this will even post but i wanna yell anyway. So people really suck, they are fucking jackasses. I dunno im just getting fed up with people. I mean noor shes all like avoiding me because I didnt take her to work on friday so she can pick up HER check, im sry get a ride from your mom. Its just really bugging me, shes my "best friend" um, yea i dont think this is a healthy friendship. And melanie, come on mel cant u tell when im pissed off and about to throw a freaking tantrum. Walk up to me on my horrible freaking day, and say "im getting a ride home with jessica" well guess what mel mabye i really wanted to talk to you, cuz i never go to a bathroom in school and cry. I never do that, and i needed to talk to someone and guess what you ditched me. im sry i couldnt drive you to school this morning, did you really wanna get in a fight with my brother as he was yelling at me. I know my brother he woulda been like so you wait for melanie not me, and than call u bitch or somehting in front of your face, i just really didnt feel like putting you through that, im his sister im used to it, ur my friend you dont have to deal with that shit.

you guys its really hard to stand on a line. You dont want to go to either side, but you cant stand there forever, and people keep pushing at me and im gonna fall off. i hate people.

on a better note, theatre thing tomorrow, i get out of the house. ANd i get to help jackie with her physics project, its gonna be fun. i hope we get it done in time so jackie doesnt have to finish it off by herself. it'll be ok. Im excited this weekend im going to 2 grad parties, and my lil brothers b-day party. And school is almost over. :)

~YaSaMiN~

Are you a purple cow?


sandatthebeach

:: 2004 25 May :: 9.07pm

haha so i've been added. cool. i guess andy didn't figure out how to delete all the names until he got my money or soemthing.....awesome. so i still have my journal. pretty sweet.

i haven't posted any entries in livejournal yet.....so i guess it's all good now :-)

4 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?


goose

:: 2004 25 May :: 6.39pm

my dog ate my set model today, i was soooooooo un believebly pissed off, i yelled ate a lot. but dont feel bad for her she was wagging her tail the whole time, she cant tell when im mad at her. i didnt stay mad long either, i still have a while to finish it i guess...yeah so im pretty bored. i am desperate. talk to me anyone! pleaseeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

2 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?

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