i dont know...
Arg! today is being a really bad day...it all started yesterday, when arshonsky got my job...but that wasnt that bad cuz it was like...o ill get it next show...but this morning, i went to talk to my counselor and she said i had to take soph lit next sem rather than theatre tech...im really pissed becasue i really want to do theatre tech...then i went to latin and i was talking to jennifer about this girl, *sally* that i talked about a bit ago...she gave me some letters last year and recently spent a week in the hospital...that doesnt exactly bring your spirits up from the earlier disappointments...then off to spanish. I dont get spanish right now and i got a quiz back tha i failed miserably...how the hell am i going to pass if i dont participate cuz i cant comprehend and i cant even get the fucking vocab right!?! so then off to bellitos, where i wrote jennifer a letter, having to stop every few sentances to get myself to stop crying. am sry jillian, that i didnt tell you then...i didnt want to cry in school. usualy his class cheers me up because of his awesome teaching style and positive energy, but today he had lost his voice and lacked the normal amount of enthusiasm. gym was again a drag, as always...and jennifer wasnt at lunch again, which dampens things because Q doesnt talk often and the andy kid doesnt talk at all...so its just LOADS of fun...plus, i was really looking forward to talking to her and getting our sandwich together...somehow its fun. then to algebra, which was rather boring, because of his slow-near drawl speech. so i talked to jackie, realising that i couldnt go to bed early because i had to babysit. another test back that i got a low grade on btw...and to travel to lit...we did this pointless trial, where the answers that the "witnesses" had to give were set in the damn thing we were reading, not like 'heres evidence. use it to argue your case'. it was sooo fucking pointless. and boring. art...finally...soemthing fun....cept that god-damned erin girl drives me insane...shes and idiot...and hypocritical and low esteem and all that shit but the most annoying is that she pretends to know pain or sorrow or regret or happiness that you kow she has no feeling of. and then, as i was looking at dina's painting, jennifer came up and told me to meet her in room 2206 after school. and so we stayed til 3:45 because she had to take a test that she missed. which didnt bother me, but it was like...hm...half hour of nothing...fun! well anyway, we left and went to my house for a bit and i made her a bracelet from the colours she took an hour (exaggeration) to choose. we went to walmart to pick out paints to paint her spongebob bathroom. tehn to her house and i played with ginas baby, ashley (jennifers middle name, named after her) and then i walked down to kates to babysit...we watched the lizzie mcguire movie..which was okie, but id rather sleep. THen the girls wanted to play computer games but i made them get ready for bed first ad their parents came home before i had them in bed and it was after bedtime. i came home, to my parents, quite naturally, and jennifer and neil came over. my mum started to sew the bodice of my dress, which made me happier, and i finished drawing belle and was quite proud of it, also making the day a bit brighter. in fact, i was alright, going on my merry way until i asked neil what he and chris were whispering about. jackie, if you are reading this, this is it.

Nick had a drinking party, which ive known about past ones, so it wasnt a big surprise. neil said that all he was saying was that nick told lisa and lisa had probably told all the girls, which was stupid. and that was it. thats all the convo was about. i asked why he would care hat the girls all knew...they knew about nick and his parties already..so waht was so important. he said becasue he didnt want anyone of importance (i.e. authorities, teachers, theatre coordinators) to know. i asked how he knew so much information, and he replied hat he had also attended this party, after leaving my house. i stared at him, hoping he would understand the look in my eyes {jillian would have} and he asked "what?" [only a guy] i told him he knew what i was thinking about. he sayd why i went? i dont know...now i think it was stupid i began to glare...he knew what i was talking about and trying to skip around it. "did you drink?" yea a little, but now i think it was stupid (oh i dearly despise this apprehensive follow up). to me, it means that there is really no regret, but as if speaking to parents, who you know would be disappointed and would ask if you had learned your lesson, a cover up as if to not get in trouble. If you fail to understand my anger in his decision, i have two parents who are constantly drinking when at home...and my mum smokes if you didnt know yet. I carefully chose my friends to not be like that, and upon learning "nuggets" like such about friends, i tend to drift away from them. i live with the shit; the last thing i want is friends who are just like home. when you leave your house, you want someone who is not like your family in the ways that you want to get away from them in the first place. that really disappointed me. My brother told me he wouldnt do it either, and so i dont trust neils promise to not to it again. i hardly trust him as it is. nick has opened him mouth too much and ruined it for me. and i want to cry. i am so mad at nick. what he knws he spreads...to the wrong people. i understand people tend to discuss certain things only wiht close friends and thye put a load of trust into that person, hoping to god that they will not tell another soul. and so, i told jackie things that i did with neil, until of course, i ruined that. and neil told nick. nick made the stupid mistake of mentioning a specific around our friends, so that only neil and i knew waht he was talking about, but it was upsetting that he so openly said it. i guess because it means that he most likely said it to someone esle. then, i was talking to him and he blatently stated his opinoin on the subject that i had told him nothing of, and asked no opinion of. and so i have ceased talking to him and he wonders why. i want to get away from this group so bad...and i cannot wait for them to leave more every day. in the summer, i dreaded the moment they did, but now i cannot feel the moment soon enough. i am beginning to feel so much hatred toward people, i cant even face them. maybe i am shamed to look them in the face for waht i have done to them...or possibly the fact taht they know the truth i prefer a secret...maybe it is that what people know me as is quietly being ruined as they learn secrets...and i know what they say when they just want to get away...but i know i cant because then it would just [a] be temporary, (b) return when i did, {c} never solve. and so, i am aggrevated and pissed and sad and upset and angry and impatient and tense.

i need a hug.

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