My Own Little World

My Own Little World

:: 2003 10 August :: 1.27am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: None

Aujourd Hui
Hi, yes im gonna start my entry with hi. Today was actually fun! Well i had to get up early adn like 7:00 a.m. yes thats so early, actually i had to leave at 7 so i shoulda woken up at 6 btu i didnt i woke up at 7:15. Yea i was like OH shit im gonna be late, so i dorve a bit fast and got there in time! YIPPIe! I got to work with viral, hes the guy that i cant pronounce his name, i think i have a crush on him. I guess, i dunno, maybe probably not. Anywya hes like in college i have no idea what year adn hes coolish, but i dunno if hes like my type. OMG did i say my TYPE haha i dont have a type im a loser without a type. So anyway then i was like can i leave at three abit early adn he was all like u can, but u shud stay, so i stayed i dunno why we werent doing anything, we even had a magazine run! Yes thats wehn u know that u be a bit slow. So then i left adn went in traffic, damn traffic, i talked to patrice, YUP that was my enjoyment during traffic. Then i got there adn i was all sweaty and smelly. At the begning i was i dont wanna go u know its gonna be boring and such. cuz of the whole i dont fit in with the other group. yea, so they got into this whole marker fight (thats the only thing my mom yelled me about today) so yea. then the whole gettin wet/benton thing. Dude, that guy is so chilled tis annoying, he shuda threw someone in the lake for that. But whatever. then we went over to jories, watched the movie ( i need to get tanned im liek WHITE) then they were gonna play the guitars, and i really wanted to hear them, but it was like i had to go home NOW! yea so i took patrice and jill home. But before that i had to realy embarass myself. i couldnt get the car out to benton had to get it out for me, i swear to GOD im teh worst driver out there so america beware! alright i drove patrice home no problems, drove jill home got scared and was like OMG im gonna get lost. then going back home i got lost, so i drove around i was like dead scared i was all like shit its 1000 adn im lost in the middle of libertyville. yes that was fun, but somehow i made it to the library thank god and got out. then i came home adn talked to mina for like 2 mint. and then she left. adn then i cleaned so my parents wotn yell at me. Got yelled anyway about stupid work, i hate working there, its liek not a teenage job, adn i have to work my ass of to even get close to doing something they will approve of me. adn then the whole added pressure from my mom, omg i hate! first time i admit, yea it sucks, im gonna die. alright i think thats enough. night.

3 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?

Goose

:: 2003 9 August :: 11.04pm

Parrrrrrrrrrrrrrrty!!! Theres dirt in my belly button!
OMG tonight was so fun. Ill admit i didnt really want to go to Jorie Moores party. Its just that i dont talk to anyone else that was supposed to go except Patrice. and i got an anonomys person strongly hinting that they didnt want me there. But i went anyway! And it was so much fun! OMG it is now a face that i can not habg out with Jorie Moore and NOT get wet? you wanna know the wet story? ooo its the best. Anyway, it started when we were boating and i really didnt get wet then but lotsa other ppl were jumoing in but i didnt as much fun as it looked, i had a phone in my pocket and it wouldnt have survived. Anyway, i jumped on patrices boat then we tried to crash into the boat that Benton was on, but he splashed all of us with the oare. so when we got off the boat we decided we had to get him back. So Yasmin, Patrice and I got ice cold water bottles from the cooler. We walked right up to Benton and poured all three of them on him. Then we ran. We were scared for our lives. Then when it was cake time, Patrice suggested that someone smeared cake all over Bentons face. No one wanted to do it we were all scared already and Patrice was afraid that he would hate her after that. so we got Q to do it with Melissa. They went up behind him and smeared it all in his hair... they missed his face i guess. We stood there for a while got a few evil looks from Benton and his friends then we ran off and we hid in Wisconsin. We were sitting there for a wile then Neil came to find out who did it. We told him it was all Q, and Melissa. Neil said Benton wasn't mad he was just like ah whatever. So we figured we were fine. THen a whole parade of Bentons friends came to Wisconsin. Stunkel came and said that we were so dead he was pissed and he was comming with an army. So of course being the scared pirates that we are, Patrice and i pointed our fingers and Q and Melissa. THen it seemed our 10 seconds of fame were over and he realld didnt care, like Neil said. But when i came up, out of Wisconsin, i discoeverd that someone had just thrown Jackie in the lake. THen Patrice and Melissa came up with me and everyone looked at us. " hmmm what do you think about them?" Jennifer asked Jorie Moore. "I think we should get Jill, she said. Yeah! Lets get them all!" THen before we knew it 3 huge guys came after us. Melissa ran and Patrice screamed but i gave up and i just let them get me. SOme guy picked my up and he carried me around for a while then he threw me in the lake! Yes he threw me in the lake yukky big bear lake!! ewwwwwwwwww! Anywho, then i was pissed but whatever what the hell could i do i was small he was big. SO i walked back and JAckie and i decided that everyone that was dry deserved to be wet. Espically Neil and Nick cuz they were making fun of us for being wet. So we got them with water bottles and NIck came back with bubbles. yup nick threw bubbles on us. So then, i found the guy that threw me in and Jackie and i went after him. With more water bottles of course, so we chased him for a while and then he had friends that came to back him up. Jackie and i complained that we didnt have any friends and started calling for Patrice and Jorie. But they didnt hear us. The he came back, picked Jackie up then i ran after and tried to help Jackie so he put her down and came after me. He threw me in again and when he was done he got Jackie again. But this time it hurt!!! and i got sooooooooo muddy. but ill tell you about that later. So the guy and his friends left and Jackie and I just stood there for a minute. Sortof in shock. Then we started walking and Nick, Benton, Wender, and Chris laughed at us and we threw bubbles on them. So then, we decided we needed to get some friends to help us out. I told that guy that he had to throw PAtrice in too cuz she was making fun of us also. SO then Benton, Wender, Chris and NIck all went after him. BUt no one succeded and Benton mangaed to trip right over him and fall into the lake himself. Then he threw Patrice in and JAckie again. By this time a lot of ppl are pissed at this guy so all these people started chasing him. THen his girlfiriend that doesnt talk said we couldnt throw him in cuz she had to drive him home. She was a bitch. THen that guy was in pain of whatver and we couldnt touch him. He was totally faking it though. so me Jackie and PAtrice all very wet moved on. JAckie got to go home and shower and Patrice and i went to jories and wore some of her clothes yet again. I gotta keep clothes at her house now i always get wet and end up stealing her clothes. THen when i changed it was the most disgusting thing ever, i found dit and mud everywhere! it was so gross!! eeewwwwwww! My underwear waqs black! it was disgusting it got everywhere even my bra! eww it was gross and thats the end of it for now. So it was and interesting end to an interesting day. But hey thats not all of it! Thats not even half of it! but if i manage to tell you the rest my fingers are going to fall off and i like my fingers so bye bye

4 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?

sweetyas

:: 2003 6 August :: 11.21pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: nothin

My Day
Today was an eventful day, yes i didnt stay home and be bored. I went to my cousins b-day party! YAY happy b-day hud. Yes so i got there early at like 11:35, so im all like CRAP im early, there were no other cars. So i go in there and huda's like its ok htey should be coming, i was like ok its just the whole "arab timing" thing. so we wait, and they call and r like we wont come till 2:30, im like oh crap im gonna be here all alone (which isnt bad or anuthing), so then we decide to pick up nour, neda, and katie. So we did, then we swam, katie isnt bad, like i thoguth she was like a blonde u know ditzy but she wasnt, i dunno i guess i got to know her better. Oh i heard the story of alex's boner, hahahahahaha! Yes anywya then yusra and jwan came, it was all like ok, but jwan confuses me. i dotn knwo why but she does, liek i think shes a bitch in disguise. Then i came home and yusra and jwan were htere we wnet to the mall. Yusra said she was a small, but and x-large was too tight, i dunno i doubt that she be a small. So alriht that was my eventful day, i gotta go sleep. so night.

3 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?

mudpiegrl

:: 2003 31 July :: 12.12am
:: Mood: headache-ish
:: Music: iuno...radio

ouchies!
my head hurts alot...i think that i need to go to bed...i fell asleep for a half hour today, til the phone rang...well anyway...

so yesterday i didnt write because neil was here 'til two. yea...grr. it kinda makes me mad i ended up falling asleep next to him, which i guess wasnt too bad but he moved and woke me up. i dont know how im going to handle marrige...you know sleeping in the same bed with someone else...well be married for a week and ill end up in the other room for the rest of our marrige lol.
this is what happened. i went out with jennifer again and then nick picked me up and we went to sandy's, where wender(zzz) and hul were. hul's good at talking, but wender kinda makes the mood slower...so i felt bad for sandy whos like a fishy out of water, hyper-wise. and the four of us called jackie, whose phone was answered by benton. meghan and them were going to dinner and benton told us to come over, which obviously didnt fit jackies tastes. we got in the car and everyone rolled thier windows down and upon "guys roll your windows up its cold" nick stopped..."you have five seconds get a sweatshirt" but she refused, so she shivered, riding the whole way slumped down in her seat like a two year old refusing to eat peas off her plate...yea that pathetic. arriving at portillos got me glares, and her normal 'everyone else should shut up because im pissed off' face, tone and body expressions. i had a headache, sudden from when i got to jackies...and it really began to hurt then. She had the nerve to ask what was the matter with me. o by the way, i didnt ask her waht was up because she yelled at me at camp that i always asked, embarressing her...like people didnt notice the tears running down her face and the rose rimmed eyes....::sigh:: i told her that i wouldnt bother asking anymore... so that really drove me nuts.

alright...today. yes i believe that is in call.

today

i did...

...

..nothing.

yes, my anxious fans nothing...until about five...then i fell asleep...for a half hour. then my mum took me to buy shampoo and my dad took me to drive this golf cart he fixed for his sky diving place....and nick and neil showed up, shortly followed by jennifer and later Q and stunkel. nick and neil and i started playing around while jennifer was on the computer, before Q and stunkel showed up and i kicked nick in some muscle that hurt him really badly [okie am not naive, but it wasnt the spot.] but he kept complaining making me feel worse...o well, hes fine now.

nick just told me he wants to tell me something but wants to hear the expression in my voice so wouldnt tell me onlyn-neil just asked if i told everything we did together to jackie, because she tells me everything-Q is describing how he is depressed because of his mum and how he wants to be happy-and wender is telling me how much jackie hurt him...well she hurts everyone unfortunatly. i nearly want her to read this and the conversation and i want her to hear all my thoughts...but she would cry...cry and tell me that she is worth nothing which isnt what im saying at all...unless of course anyone who's reading this thinks so...~an hour has passed~ good lord i began this entry at twelve twelve alreay it is two forty two. o how do i even start. so much has gone down in two hours and thirty minutes. amazingly, my headache has disappeared. i feel really good right now. ive helped wender by telling him the complete truth. he asked for honesty and i gave it to him. i am quite blunt when asked. now Q on the other hand is convinced he is nothing, you know the whole 'mother fails to ensure good influence on child' thing. a degrading parent. always fun eh? ah fuck...tmros the first...neil and my month-a-versary. ::sigh:: im tired as all hell!...yes, hell is tiring! eureka! you'd think that after extensive emotional recall and listening to basic whining, immediatly followed by my yapping on positivity, i would feel like shit...all depressed and such, which btw, ive never felt, but i dont. i feel wonderful, freedom. or maybe thats because i complained about jackie enough to clear my mind.

Are you a purple cow?

mudpiegrl

:: 2003 29 July :: 3.34am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: i love incubus lol

eek! return of past journal entries
still more my thoughts...you may just want to skip over this section...its a bunch of boring stuff...

This entry was preceeded by a drawing of an eye, which i draw quite frequently

Just another eye drawn to appease the want to dra while bored. THe reflection was provided by the fireplace in the house of the people i happen to be babysitting for. the thoughts that provoked this eye to come out of my boredom reside in crew, with a person who i hope is thinking the same thoughts. the heart is not sporty-it doesnot lik games. it, rather, is more like plastic wrap-enjoying what it clings to. the eye is a window to the heart- not the soul. the eye dipicts the feelings of the heart. Any god takes care of the soul, for it s spiritual-and the heart is physical and mental. with this hand i could write forever- but that would leave no time for this mind to contemplate those words to descrive the feelings that would be put down. for now i have time and nothing better to do, which would make sense-having nothing to do provides time. havig any kind of utensil/instrument in my hand that can make marks and a paper mear my nose will result in seriuos thinkin. Warning stated. My eyes fight to close (~o they are now too~) but my battle to keep them open is winning by far. have the world pride? but is it the world or the people wich fails to cae? does one wish to destroy himself? or is it dne through actions that were unthought of having consequences? can it be told to our children that we failed ther future y our stubborness? what do we hold in the back of our minds taht we want no one to know? can one persons thoughs change the world? how bad would it be? could it possible be good? would the idea-meant for good-eventually kill the several actual good things taht were already there? do people purposely pretend? Or is it through childhood we learn to be fake and, through community's unspoken agreement, mak the world unreal? the questions that run throught my mind are throughly debatable and remain unanswered-thught open to be. Has anyone the time to contemplate the qustions hat subsconciously hold our lves togethe? or shall theymonce again, be forgotten until someone has nothing better to think of?

Are you a purple cow?

mudpiegrl

:: 2003 29 July :: 3.14am
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: incubus of course...

more past writings
more returning thoughts from the purple notebook with green crayon on it!!!

Where did i go wrong? how did i end up failing everyone-from myself to my farthest friend? when you think a hug is all you need, the arms are the farthest away. How long can a heart cry before the brain realises the pain? Do we all hold the power to heal our minds? to see waht hurts and heal our hearts? what must w do to keep ourselves happy; ultimatly making the world a fairy tale-with rainbows and bunnies? But the assurance we can live with happiness. close a person in a room and start filling it with water. from the moment he realises what is happening, to the second he decides to give up-the most important thing i his mind is an escape route. Upon finding hplessness, he begins to think of his life-what got him into such a predicament and waht mistakes he never should hav made. Can it be known what is the most important to us now, when our lives are not threatened? Do we fully understand waht threats we face and know how to heal our own minds-only to adjust to the criminal world that surrounds us? Who said we would be unhappy? who deermined our fate? people say God-but is Got not ourseles? We should love god mor than anything-but too much love gives dependancy. We choose our own pths. we are given the choices and even if we see the outcomes of both, we choose an instinct. Once i a predicament, we blame other people, failing to see the real fault. But amoung choosing our own paths, we choose how to overcome our obstacles. we expect people to heal us-as if children with small cuts that came from the tree they took the chance to climb. Ther is one time in our lives we notice that someone wont always be there and learn to live by ourselves. we learn to take car of ourselves. we see the tree is dangerous to climb, therfore avoiding cuts-but if the tee must be tackled, the wounds must be dealt with. The point is everything has its consequence- we have to learn to deal with things on our own. We need to understand ourselves to explain ourselves to other people, for an explanation without understanding is pointless yap. Some people pretend the wound doesnt exist-allowing it to get infected, which only hurts more than the original cut. These people hide things-allowing the infectionsto enter the bloodstream, eventually killing us. The problems are never dealt with; allowing them to pile upon each other, making the tree offensive to look at. These people feel they must climb the tree before the infected wounds are healed-causing weaknesses and making the person feel as if he will never achieve his goal opposed to he one who watched his mother disinfect, then protct his wound. He is the one who climbed the tree, and made it down safely. Even when his mother died, he remembeed her actions to heal his cuts, and used them himself on the wound she gained when she fell sick. He found the tired, sad, infected individual and took him to his home,where he taught him the methods he had learned. Eventually the infected learnd and climbed the tree. Some people think strength is never asking for help. But the real strength is having such a grip on life that help isnt needed, not setting yourself in ole, which youll eventually need a hand out of anyway.

~sorry that was long...erm...i sound really bible-ish, eh? its funny because that was only three and a half pages of four that i wrote that night

Are you a purple cow?

mudpiegrl

:: 2003 29 July :: 3.10am
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: still incubus

ive returned
alright...i got some anger out and i was playing around with the settings on my journal, ultimatly finding a squee picture to put up and now im pretty happy with it. and now im going to put in some entries that are things i wrote in a notebook before i had this and while my comp was broken (okie it still is; am on my friends) some of it sounds stupid now...but it sounded smart when i wrote it....

Where do people leave thier confidence? it seems as if they care more about what other people think than they do about making themselves happy. if you died, the one who criticized you would live on,m and making a change would never matter to them. If it was the other way around, and they died, what would you feel? you would not believe those things anymore if someone told you the opposite. Why does it take so much to make someone believe you wehn you tell him or her a positive thing about him or her, but onlyy once when it is negative? who decides waht is wrong with us? why are someone elses problems important in your life? they do not affect you in anyway that is life threatening. Why does it matter? people today need more confidence. it isnt something you can buy at a store, and not just one person can give it to you. it has to be given, like wind, in small gusts. and the sunlight shines through like love, warming the surface. and the light of the stars shows mercy in the dark sky. if we all had waht the earth does, would we be happy?

doom doom doom

3 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?

mudpiegrl

:: 2003 29 July :: 2.55am
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: "Have You Ever"~Incubus

GRR!
alrighty...so i feel like shit. i want everyone to go away. i want to be alone to listen to my own heart for a while. i grow tired of seeing fear and pain in other peoples eyes i grow weary of hearing thier troubles but i still listen hoping for a silent moment in which i can stop to listen to myself because i am calling my own name to listen...i ignore myself becasue others need me more than i do but i know that isnt true its just an excuse i use because i need one so that i dont snap and bitch at everyone who comes near and tries to talk with me. i want to cry but tears are useless. i want to find a place of peace. i wish i had a car. then i could drive and think and drive and think and listen to incubus and drive and think...i would be in control of myself for once rather than follow him to eat and her to her house to watch a movie...i could describe things to myself in vibrant paragraphs and not be told that i think too much about trivial matters. i wont be told that i have too much time on my hands when what i choose to do with my time is useless to someone else. all that is there is me and nature and waht is life and waht is not and i can actually accept myself for waht i am, which i do, but i dont want to have to think twice about me..i can just think thoughts...and i dont have to study looks and gaze into glazed eyes...ask the right questions only to recieve i dont know...because the questions always have answers and i always know them. ive been a bitch to neil lately, pretty controlling actually...and he told me he understands that you just need some alone time sometimes but i dont think he understands how i want to push him away but at the same time i want him there. i want to have him...but i want to be alone. ::sigh:: i dont knw what to think anymore...i like him so much i wonder waht love really is and if i could possibly be expiriencing it...but then i know i am not because-because...i cant think of a reason why not right now...but it doesnt seem plausible. my mum always says if when refering to our break up...i dont believe her. maybe im trying to avoid somthing or maybe im afraid
im afraid of a lot. mostly love. even by my friends. im loved too much. tears should not be shed for anyone other than yourself...people latch on to me. i wish they wouldnt because even though i help them, i dont know if i want them there...they make me think...im handed situatons that i normally wouldnt get myself into .... but cant there just be a listfor that...no...then the emotions wouldnt be included...the particular personality wouldnt change it all around...alright...im emotionally exhausted for right now ama go sleep..night..

Are you a purple cow?

mudpiegrl

:: 2003 17 July :: 2.23pm
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: part of your world~Little Mermaid

::sigh::
so im supposed to have taken a shower like an hour and a half ago...neil wants to come over but my mum is driving me insane; shes more obsessed with him than i am...you'd think that he was her boyfriend (eww). i guess its alright...he gets along with her, and my dad, cuz hes into racing, what better way to impress an ex-race car driver, eh? all thats left is my brother, wehn he comes to visit in the first week of august. he's going to stay for a week last time i saw him for that long we went to flordia for christmas. i get along with him alright, with the exception of the maturity difference. okie ama go take a shower...

Are you a purple cow?