:: 2005 27 January :: 10.12 am

So, I've given up on music and subject. I used to put it into my entries all the time, but I've just given up on it because while I'm thinking about what I want to put in there (because I'm a freak and have to fill in the boxes in order) I lose track of what I was going to say. Not that this little rant is helping me retain what exactly I was going to say in this entry anyway. Oh yeah, now I remember.

So, I don't feel like I am weak. Or should I say I don't feel like my walls are weak. What is a relationship to me? Well in a certain respect it's breaking down the walls that we put up around ourselves to hide those innermost things from each other. As if it were all out there we would be subject to ridicule and rejection by the whole world. For me, it's been my experience that I don't let my walls down until someone else has shown the willingness to do the same for me. What we keep inside those walls is another story (i.e. Sometimes I keep my faith behind those walls, which is not a good thing). Kim and I tore down those walls one brick at a time. I feel like I took mine down quite a bit faster than she did, and that she was reluctant, but let pieces go. When a couple fights, two things can happen. They can harbor resentment and add another brick to the wall, or make up and tear another section down (along with several pieces of furniture in the bedroom). It took four weeks for her to build her wall up high enough to where she could tell me what she wanted. To be the person outside of the wall again, to not let me see the one inside. And after all this, after what she did, I rebuilt my wall with lightining speed. Well, when you do things quickly, there tends to be some sloppy workmanship. The wall between us was once partially down, but now we've both done things that have strengthened it. I found a hole when I called her that morning. But she did a good job of taking the mortar and filling it. She did it without hurting any other part of the wall that is between us. Perhaps I thought that the hole could grow, as could our friendship. Once you see the other side, you can never forget it, no matter how high the wall, how thick the wall. you can only stand on your side and do a few things. Either try to tear it down from your side, which is exhausting and never works, or just let the wall be, continue walking and hope that one day you hear the person on the other side asking you to help her tear it down.

Well that certainly was depressing. I have not quite decided how to act, other than the premise that I still care, I still love. Mr. Smith asked me yesterday how I was taking things. I told him that things have been hard. And they have. The past few days have been hard. The best moods that I have been all week have been in the afternoon. When I have seen how sad Crissy has been. All I have wanted to do was to cheer her up. Before that I needed cheering. He said I was hard to read and I guess it's okay that way. I play a role sometimes. Just like I do with my family. I'm just to damned smart to believe what I believe. I can't have faith in a higher being and be logical and thoughtful at the same time. It's a dichotomy to them. I know most people consider themselves Christians, but at what point. I think it's when someone asks you what is the most important thing in your life, what is #1. All the time it should be God. That's why I would complete make an ass out myself if I was to try to date someone who didn't share my beliefs. Because they could not comprehend the fact that they will never be #1 in my life. Well this is dragging on and I am going to go watch this incredibly awesome documentary in Spanish on the Chilean military coup in 1970. I know, I'm a freak. Get over it.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 26 January :: 7.48 pm

I'm all about it now. I don't want to be that sad boy in the corner and more. To quote Gretchen Wilson "I'm gonna get me some."

I'm not sure how, or where, or from who, but I will. Eventually. I think. Hopefully. Okay. That's it.

I really love you.

Yes, yes I do. I'd do just about anything for you.

Yes, you.

No, not you. You.

Got that. I'll meet you out behind the barn at midnight okay??

No, not that barn, the other barn.

Okay, I'll wear somethin' sexy for you. You know what I'm talkin' about. Yep, that's it. That's the way I like it.

Wait, why am I telling you all this. You'll be there if you're ready. Okay. That's it.

Seriously, stop reading this.

Now


I really mean it.

I still love you.

Bye.

Well, aren't you going to leave.

Fine, I'll leave first.

Ha, I was just joking.

Okay, I'm really going to leave.

_______I'm gone____________

3 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 25 January :: 10.40 am

So I don't know what to do anymore. I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. I thought and I cried. Last night was difficult. Work seems to be getting the better of me. Finally I began thinking of Friday night when I was talking to Dani. About thinking about things and not being able to wrap your mind around them. And I was calm. I stopped crying, I stopped thinking about how much I hate myself and what I have done wrong. It was like God was telling me that I don't have to understand, that it's okay. That I will never understand His love, but His love will always be there. Then I fell asleep around 4:30am. Then i woke up at 6:30am and it started all over again. I got up and I cried. I called work, got bitched out, hung up and I cried. I went to see Mr. Smith, only he didn't know about Adam, so I told him. I left there and I cried. Right now I feel like crying. I don't know what is wrong with me. I could bust out of this shell and be me. The wierd me, the one that many of you know. The one that notices the three hot chicks sitting next to me. The one that notices that white G-string the blonde is wearing. But there is nothing there. No way to make that humorous or even slightly intriguing to me. And that is that.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 23 January :: 1.24 am

So I finally did it. At 6:00am this morning I called Kim. Yeah, I know, it may seem kind of wierd, but that's probably the only time that I could say what I had to say to her that she would actually listen and not blow me off. I told her about how even though I am so pissed at her right now that when I tell someone I love them I mean it. I may be pissed at her, but I still care. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I didn't need to do that for our relationship, but I needed to do it for me. But then she had to go and screw it up. She left me a note at work saying that "what you talked about works both ways." WTF? What is that supposed to mean? I don't know, and I'm not about to ask. It was hard enough swallowing my pride to call her this morning. The whole situation just pisses me off, but you all know that and it's time that I just stop and get over it.

On another note, it was hard to hear that. After spending time with them, and not knowing him personally it's hard. I know his brother and his sister pretty well. You just have to ask yourself what has to drive someone to kill themselves. So, to echo the sentiments I heard on another journal, Rest In Peace Adam. May God watch over you and your family and give them peace and wisdom.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 19 January :: 4.56 pm

Idiots, that's all I've got to say. Why is my journal time on central standard, I don't know.

Stupid people on mlive talkin' about what happened in DC. This one chick was like "she should find a good American boy." How racist. I'm sorry but until America starts to realize that we all have a stake in this country and stop demean other people, we will go nowhere.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 18 January :: 6.37 pm

This is a Charlie news update:

I know who the man is that is threatening to blow up a bomb near the White House. I'm sure most of you that are reading this know him to, or at least his relations. I am not at liberty to say who it is yet. Follow this journal throughout the night for further updates.

5 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 18 January :: 1.59 pm

I feel old now. There are people on Woohu who didn't exist in the 1980's. That is scary. How long will it be before some of us long time users can be considered "old" timers.

3 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 18 January :: 1.49 pm

So, I've gotten back to being myself. I'm not all pissed off all the time anymore, although I have been slightly depressed lately, because of some pretty depressing news.

Talked with Brianna last night. It was good, what I needed. I did come realize that I have many more close Christian friends than I had realized, and that made things feel better.

Relationship wise, I am searching. The problem is that between Shari and Kim I really wasn't seeking a relationship. Sure, I was lonely and perhaps I would have liked to have had someone, but it wasn't something I was actively seeking. Well, at least not until Connie came along and changed all that. But now, I don't need anymore time to get over this. Yes, it was shorter, I am still mad, but the depth isn't there because there isn't anything I need to wrestle with in my own conscience. Which I guess is a good thing. I'm just afraid that by searching, I am going to end up with the wrong girl. That my wants and needs will supercede God's will for me. It's a difficult conundrum.

Ashley was right all along when she said that I needed to turn my focus back to God. It's just at that point I was being stubborn. I didn't want to. I don't know how I felt, perhaps almost injured by Him. But not anymore.

Things get clearer everyday. I see that things aren't going to work out for me in some respects. I'm already preparing my options because I don't think that this is going to last much longer. It's taking a toll on me, plus I'm still only 20, will be 21 in June. I haven't seen enough to be tied down. Plus there are things that I want to do, that maintaining the these things won't let me do when the time comes.

So there is a quick update. time to hop the bus downtown so I can go home.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 18 January :: 1.37 pm

Why is it that so many people have so many problems? There are so many nasty things to get involved in. I just feel like us humans aren't much different than a herd of buffalo, except dumber. We start to stampede, running, who knows where. Then we reach a cliff and most of us just keep running and end up falling off that cliff. No matter what it might be, drugs, alcohol, sex, we just keep running, like it's all going to be okay. But the rest of us, the few that don't fall over the edge, we are the smarter ones. The ones that said, "No we will not let ourselves die mindlessly." We would rather face our fears and our insecurities than running from them and destroying ourselves in the process.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 17 January :: 12.31 am

When you find something out that has already happened, why do you always think of a way to make up for it now?

So I found somethings out tonight. Things that border on the edge of me losing this precious balance of contentment that I hold. Things that would actually cause me to cry myself to sleep.

I don't know if they don't understand this about me, or that I'm just part of a bigger world which tells them the way I feel is not possible. When I tell someone that I love them I mean that.
My love knows no bounds, and it's not conditional. That's why I fought it for so long the first time. Because of what I knew it would mean. But they don't understand. They don't understand the depth, the connection. There is very little that I wouldn't do for either of them if they asked. These tears sting.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 10 January :: 11.28 am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Do You Fell Like We Do?" Peter Frampton

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 5 January :: 10.33 am

It was feeling that was there so long ago. The things I'm feeling now are the things that I was feeling before. Entrapment. I want to run away to get away so bad. I want her to be able to talk to me like a civil human being and I don't want to be mad at her any more. But there is nothing I can do about that. I wish we could forget the whole thing and just be friends, but we can't. I can't even give in to call her. I won't because of my pride. And my pride was genuinely hurt. That's why I hope this Saturday that things will change. That I will have a great night and I will be in a mood to go for something I've never been brave enough to do before.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2004 16 December :: 12.29 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Theme from "Hey Dude": Do you remember that show from Nickelodeon?

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2004 9 December :: 9.18 pm
:: Mood: I'm Done
:: Music: "Nothing Lasts Forever"

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2004 3 December :: 1.58 am

Okay Andy, how does this sound:

Saturday December 4
SKELLETONES
Cold Plymouth, Midnight Radio, I Must Have, Vigilantes.

That's all I've got so far. $3 cover.

What is your life meant to be?