Today was just a day.

To clarify one thing, I don't get up in the morning and put on a face. I am happy and I'm not sad and depressed every single day when I wake up in the morning. I used to be but I'm not anymore. There are just times when I feel worthless, especially when I've screwed up. So I hide it. All the outgoing stuff I enjoy, I like being able to have fun but I think it gets in the way of how I actually am sometimes and it doesn't let people see the true me, or what I feel is the true me.

The song is because I wished I was in a desert on a horse with no name and nobody could bother me. Although I am an inherently social person, I still feel it would be nice to be alone a lot.

I just want to go out and have some fun. Is there anybody out there that wants to have some fun too?

I hate rumors. I hate 'em, I hate 'em, I hate 'em.

I feel like no one trusts me or what I have to say anymore. They say things like they shouldn't think out loud because then I'll hear it when they're talking to me and tell someone else. I don't start rumors. I'm not important enough for anyone to bother starting rumors about me so that isn't what upsets me. It's just when I feel that other people don't trust me.

Besides, whats the problem with telling the truth when someone asks you a question. I asked a question of Nicole on the way to Grand Valley, she gave me a very honest answer. It doesn't mean I wasn't hurt by what she said, but I asked. When I ask a question give me an honest answer, I don't care if it's going to piss me off. Oh well, I asked you and I can't be mad at you about your opinion of how I act, I can't. I can be, however mad at myself for acting the way I did or having my feelings be so apparent to the world.

For those of you who don't know, all my happiness, all my boisteriness, is just show. Honestly when I feel good I feel like that but I'm so outgoing because I am so totally withdrawn into my self. I won't let the truth come out that I feel like I am an absolutely worthless human being. I won't let my deepest feelings for a person that I like (in the full psychological definition of the word) be known. I'd rather cover it up and keep living the way I am living. Maybe it's my only defens mechanism, but I hate being the way I am. I feel so fake most of the time and when i get away from people after being upbeat I just want to cry. Too many times in the past three weeks I have just wanted to let it loose. All my anger, my frustration, my depression, I just wanted to let it all go.
I know there are those of you that feel like this out there. I also know how to fix all of these problems that I have.
All I have to do is keep the faith. Keep faith that He is ultimately in control of my life and I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. It's a little ironic consider I am responsible for no one but myself, but it's been like I have been too busy for God, and I've got to stop that.

Let's all have a good weekend. I hope no one gets killed.

Also a warning: All of the things I write down are just to vent, to doa journal for any other reson on the internet would be insane. I say things that arent' always true, but they always reflect what I percieve to be my feelings at the moment that I write.

Good night. God Bless.

Yeah, whatever to everyone.

Softball cuts will probably happen tomorrow. I feel so bad because some of the girls seem like they are already part of the team and it's going to be hard to lose them.

Pit is going to be so hard next week it's not even going to be funny.

Congrats to Kaly on her new pink truck.

Do any of you ever get those moments of complete feelings of worthlessness and self doubt. I had one of those today during lunch. I just felt so inadequate. Of all the things I do and the way I am when those times hit, they hit hard. It's like I try to do my best to please everybody (because I only please myself when I can please everyone) but eventually I screw up. Most of the time I just jump over the screw ups but they just keep multiplying to the point where I feel absolutely horrible about myself and I feel like crying. Sometimes I think it would be better to be a female then I wouldn't feel under pressure to put up the image but to be sensitive the way I feel all the time. People don't get it when I say that I don't think about sex every ten seconds. They all think it's impossible for a guy not to, but I don't. And just to be able to show my emotions sometimes, that's all I ask. I guess that is why I enjoy playing music so much because it gives me a way of expressing myself even if it is not the mood that I am in. Or maybe it's that dounbting period. We're studying Shakespeare in English and in "The Tempest" Prospero makes a speech about all of life is shaped by dreams and when the dreamer finishes dreaming we all cease to exist. It really makes me wonder if what my life is is real. I mean I know I'm not in control of my own life, that's His will, but is their something more I can do. Try to figure out His will more some my life can actually mean something with out going to far overboard and abandoning rational thought. Oh well, I'm to tired to think. As for Gunnie's idea of only a few lines a night, I don't feel it is sufficient to express my feelings. I like painting pictures with my words, but then it would take ten thousand words for me to get my point across.

Today has been so aggravating and tiring. Long day long schedule and for absolutely nothign because the stupid soccer team got out of the gym at 4:30 and we ended up waiting until 6:30 to start practice.

Laura na d I had an unusual thing happen at JA today, a firedrill. I have to say that the lesson plan for the fifth graders is a lot more fun than the lesson plan for the fourth graders. All we do is repeat the stupid equation for the fourth graders (natural+human+capital [resources]=product.

As far as aggravating, gas prices went up like 14 cents and that makes me mad. All this crap with Shari, whatever. Read my comment to who-ever-that-is on yesterdays journal.

Tomorrow is time to work in the cage and I actually get to see who can hit, yipee!

I'm happy for a lot of people but also sad for myself at the same time. I thank you for all your support to my rather pathetic life and to respond to one person who says I look fine how I am, always strive for perfection and don't let excuses get in the way, take it to heart because it's rined a lot of good things in my life.

I hope Staci isn't to mad at uss today about what we wrote on the back board in Eilola's class about her and Adam, if any of you get the chance check it out before fifth hour tomorrow.

An apology to Kaly for saying what I said today for not studying for psch tests. Honestly if anyone in that class wants to study with me that's fine because it would actually force me to sit down and study as well.

I'm tired and I'm going to go watch the West Wing and go to bed.

Long day, but good day. Coach Smith was really sick so practice was cancelled :( . I'm not happy about that because that gives us even less time to evaluate talent. Oh well.

If you were around me during pit practice today you'll recognize that song becasue I was singin' it loud between the second and third time we did Act Two.
Up-date on the ex. She commented that I was in a good mood and I told her I usually was. So she was like, for the last month and a half, actually the last month I replied. Since we've been forced apart I feel so much more free and I'm a lot more happy.

Brenda prefers Chevy's, too bad.

I'll never live down what I said in English today. I guess a lot of people who don't know me take me the wrong way. I'm loud and boisterous alot but I am a horrible hopeless romantic. I do hate all the gushy love stuff but I really seek to find that perfect girl (note: if this is you, hurry up, I'm waiting). Anyways I'll never live it down because I said I write romantic poetry, which I do, and then dirty poetry, but I didn't mean dirty as in sex dirty but more like leaving a little kid alone close to a mud puddle dirty. These last two days have been great because I haven't had time to be depressed about being alone but it's finally acceptable. I realize that this point in my life I really don't need someone. I've experienced "love" so I guess now I can move on without looking for it and it will find me. Other than that I just wanna get some luvin'.

What a great day. I woke up feeling, knowing what I had to do. It was my original goal to ask Brenda if she wanted to have lunch with me this week, well that didn't get done. I didn't let it bother me though because it's life and if I get depressed about things I wanted to do but haven't done, there will be more things that I want to do that I won't get done.

I chose "Back in Black" because I put it on my CD player this morning, it's kind of like my feel good confidence builder song. I put it on because I was able to wear my Metallica skull shirt today. I was so happy because this only water-except-at-dinner thing is really letting my lose weight.

Spring started today with the begining of softball. I know, for all of you out there who are thinking what does a guy have to do with softball, bear with me. I am the assistant for the JV. I really like the trust and the respect that Mr. Smith gives and the leeway too both in the classroom and on the field.

As you can see I feel lie is good again and I'm going to have to get off of here so I can do my Paraphrases for English. I hope pit practice goes better tomorrow.
My other choice for song would have been P. Roach's "Thrown Away" I especially like the part where it goes "we're a generation of glue sniffing cyber sluts with homicidal minds and hand guns" because it almost completely describes the senior class.

Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy little town.
I hope mext week is so much better than this last week was. Of course it has to get better, softball practice starts Monday. I'm going to be in real trouble if Eilola does a journal check tomorrow because I forgot completely about the assignment and left my book at school. Blah!

I've got to stop being so small. I feel so small because of my inability to confront girls that I like and because of how pissed off I still am at Shari. Talk about a total psycho-bitch, it's been over a month since I stopped talking to her and I'm still really angry about everything she did to me. And of course I guess she's still crying.
For all of you out there who don't know me (or even those who think you do) I have to tell you when I'm having fun, like chasing Gunnie's red dot, I am really having fun, but all that extroversion is to hide the real introversion taking place. I guess we've all got our problems.