This thing called life

This thing called life

:: 2008 29 May :: 4.58pm
:: Mood: listless
:: Music: That Green Gentleman - Panic At The Disco

I'm not sure how well this little summer escapade is going to blow over. Kelly doesn't have the money to come down here, and frankly I don't have the money to go up there. At least not right now. I won't go as far to say that I won't be up there at all this summer, but I'm also not going to say that it's looking in our favor atm. Life just seems to catch up with people at the worst of times.

My parents have this little car that I'll use for now until I get a chance to take out a loan on a better one -and have the money to make the monthly payments- and I'm going to fill out an application for EFCO which is this window like place, and see about working there with Renkoski. I'll also fill one out for Wal-Mart and work from like 10pm - 7am because that's pretty much the only shift that they're hiring for. I guess that's fine, I can't really be too picky right now anyway. I'm not opposed to two jobs, especially when I don't really have much else going during the summer. Once school starts I'll have to cut back, of course. The only thing to worry about is talking to Kell.

I know there's this huge deal about not having any regrets, but I do. My regret is not just saying fuck it and going to Ferris last August. I wouldn't have these problems now. I have so much guilt from that and it just weighs me down more and more. I feel like I've wasted so much of our relationship, of our life, just waiting to be together. I could have been there. We could have been together.
I think I'll always regret that.

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eddy

:: 2008 27 May :: 4.15pm
:: Music: Blaq Audio

The Love Lettter

What could you see?
What could you find?
If we meet please avert your eyes.
What I'd never show, what you'll never find
Is explosive so hide your eyes.
So hide your eyes.

What should mean nothing to you
Has left a poison running straight from your lips
And into (lead to) the poison I'm becoming.
Walk right through me, I'm not really there.

What could you see?
What could you find?
If we meet please avert your eyes.
What I'd never show, what you'll never find
Is explosive so hide your eyes.

Once it meant something to me.
I find it rather stunning.
I draped it cold and in clarity.
It's true, I find the look becoming.
Walk right through me, I'm not really there.

What could you see?
What could you find?
If we meet please avert your eyes.
What I'd never show, what you'll never find
Is explosive so hide your eyes.

It's a day, it's a day gone away.
Turn away from the day, it's explosive.

What could you see?
What could you find?
If we meet please avert your eyes.
What I'd never show, what you'll never find
Is explosive so hide your eyes.

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butterfly

:: 2008 22 May :: 3.06pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Time of Your Life - Green Day

I'm very sad and cry-ish atm. I'm not too sure why, but I'll blame it on the weather, for it is very cloudy and dreary and full of sad.

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butterfly

:: 2008 21 May :: 7.33am
:: Mood: Delirious

sleeplessness
I have yet to sleep. I've been up since 6:30 am yesterday morning. Last night Ashley brought a mutual friend, Jake, down, and we watched Disney movies like all friggin night. It was pretty badass. Ashley kind of likes him, he kind of likes her, but she's got Dustin (who isn't really her boyfriend at all) and he has a girlfriend. So, probably nothing will come of that, though he far outshines Dustin imho.
Anyway, they left around 11:30, and then Jacob called and was like, "Omg we should totally go hang out with Richard while he works." So, I go do that. I just got home and took a shower. I should be asleep, but my friend Doug text me and said something about needing to talk so... yeah. Here I am.

Anyway, I'm eatting Lucky Charms. I hate the feel of the marshmallows on my teeth when I eat them though. It just like gives me cold chills. However, I effing love Lucky Charms because they're, yeah, you know, so magically delicious. Therefore, I must consume them. It's weird, I never eat breakfast unless I'm up really early. Or unless I'm at Kelly's because his mom is awesome.

That being said, I hate bugs. They fucking freak me out. Spiders are even worse though. And -awesome story- yesterday morning I woke up and dangling from the ceiling was this horrifying spider and I like scream and then roll off my bed into the floor. It hurt, but omg.
And, there's this new movie coming out called Strangers. Fuck no. Fuck that shit. That looks far too scary for words. I hate scary movies. And all my friends are douche nozzels and are like "ooh Rachel let's go watch that LAWL" and I'm like "... wow, you guys are fucking douche nozzels." Then I walk away after punching them in the vag.

Drop off a thought

Atman

:: 2008 20 May :: 8.13pm
:: Music: Saving Us

Confusing
Yeah, I'm in a state of confusion these days. Don't really wanna blab about it here though.

Been trying to get a job and had absolutely no luck. I have no idea why. There isn't a 'convicted of raping children' tab on my resume or anything else, but I don't get shit for responses from anyone. I call back and its like talking to a guy I just caught jerking it.

"Oh...OH OH OH, hey there. Yeah, we hired someone last week. Sorry about that...yeah, I know I said I'd call you soon, but I'm a FILTHY LYING FUCKER"

It looks like I'll have to work at home all summer which I really really really really REALLY don't want to do, as I'm 22 and I should be doing something, but nope, no dice. Only other option is to go work at my Uncle's farm which is sadly looking more and more viable as time goes by.

Other than that, not much going on, just really bored in between failed applications, interviews, and constantly redialing the internet. Still have a few people that I need to call and hang out with, and I'll probably get on that in the coming days.

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butterfly

:: 2008 19 May :: 3.56pm
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: Suit Life of Zach and Cody theme song... yeah

Sweetness.
I went to get online a little after eleven only to come to the realization that dad didn't pay the internet bill. I don't really get too annoyed, they send him and mom an email, and neither are ever on here to check it, so they just don't realize it's time to do it. Anyway, I call and have it renewed at exactly 11:30. The guy that answered the phone said that the person to hook it up was at lunch, she would be back at 12:00 and just a few minutes after noon it should be up and I would be ready to go.
Four hours go by, and at 3:30 I still can't connect. I finally call back and inquire why not. Robert (the dude that took my first call) flips out and checks everything and turns out someone didn't ... do something in one area that they should have. He apologizes profusely and gives us a free month of teh internetz.

I was super excited. I am still super excited. However, this little blunder did make it impossible to talk to Kelly while he was at work, which is what was on my agenda. That made me sad, but... oh well. I'll just have to tomorrow if I'm able.

I've avoided Jacob for awhile. He's just... different. Or I am, whatever. I just kind of get annoyed with him now. He takes things way too far and doesn't know when to stop and that's always been one of my main pet peeves. Whatever though, we'll possibly have a huge fight and then watch Beaches and drink blue slushies to make up, or I'll ignore it.

Mom is making effing lasagna tonight. I'm so excited. Friggin love it.
<3

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butterfly

:: 2008 16 May :: 5.58pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Even Angels Fall - Jessica Riddle

I had a crappy day. I woke up to Taylor screaming - the horse got out. So, I had to go catch him, tie him to a tree, and proceed to find where the fence was down and mend it. No fun task, I assure you. While doing this, I tripped over a branch and fell. My left hip is really screwed up now and I can barely walk.
Then I was changing Shakespeare's bedding when Freckles, Ashley's stupid dog that I hate, managed to trip me and I fell, dropped the cage, and shattered it. So, I'm out 20 bucks to replace it, which pisses me off. I know I didn't get all of the glass slivers swept up off my floor, so I'm just fully anticipating getting them stabbed into my feet. Can't wait for that one.
Other than that, I've just been kind of bummed today. I don't know why, just have.
Renkoski's... well he should be home now, but I don't know if he is or not, but we're going out tonight I guess. I'm kind of not in the mood to do anything other than curl up on my bed and watch sad movies. Preferrably with chocolates. We'll see though. I imagine I'll be drug away whether I want to be or not, because everyone's down - Tylor, KC, Hughes, and Chubbs.
The only thing that sucks is the last three are really into drinking and smoking pot all the time, so... I don't really have much in common with them anymore. Whatever.

I just want to talk to my man I think, and that's making me cranky because I know I can't. I'm sure he's rather busy getting moved in... which is something else I'm bummed about.
/sigh

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butterfly

:: 2008 15 May :: 12.01pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Pretty Baby - Spin Doctors

Effing Life =)
DONE WITH SCHOOL. BITCHES.

I apologize for the caps (kind of) but I'm super excited!! I need to take a test to score into the math course I want to take so I don't have to take all the "dumb" math classes because that will take FOREVER, and I don't have forever, I have 2 semesters. It's not that I'm bad at math, I can do the shit, but I cannot make myself remember those damn formulas. There's no reason for me to, unless I'm trying to get into a "smart" math class. So, when doing the test, I get chopped into pieces. If I knew what the formula was, I could effing do it.
I don't know if that shit made sense. I don't care. I'm pissed about that.

Anyway, I think I might have ended up with two B's which is a load of fail for me. I'm pretty upset with myself for letting that happen, but whatever. Shit happens.
Speaking of shit happening, GG @ kelly for killing his damn car.

I brought the cat, Sadie, home with me this morning. She... is lost. Somewhere in my house. I figure she's gotta come out sometime to eat and drink though, so we're good. I'll just man the food and water dishes until that time comes.

Also, Renkoski comes home tomorrow. I'm ecstatic about that. I haven't seen him in like... some months >.>
I hope he and Kell get along, because srsly, 2 out of the 4 most important guys in my life. The other two are my fasha and my baby brother. They seem to get along fairly well anyway, but irl is somewhat different. Makes me a little nervous, but hopefully it won't be a big deal.

I love Kelly. Incase you guys didn't know =)

THE END.

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butterfly

:: 2008 13 May :: 9.24am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Rose - Westlife

I stopped taking my allergy medicine because we didn't have cats any more, but ever since I started babysitting I've been dying. I need to start taking my medicine again but I keep forgetting to and therefore I die every single day.
Apparently we're getting the cat that they have, as well, because they can't take it with them for some reason. Therefore, medicine startes full time again. I'm excited about having another cat though, and it's a cool cat. It's name is Sadie, which I don't exactly like, but it's too late to change it now. It's a tortise shell cat, which is what Roxy (late cat) was, so that actually really depresses me, but Sadie has more white than Roxy did.
Aaaaaanyway. I'm cold. Ashley's here.... again. I love her to death, but omfg. I'm used to the house by myself. She won't let me turn on any lights and she just curls up on the couch with blankets and doesn't clean up after herself = me hiring Slayer to take care of this mess.

I have my Biology final tonight. I'm so fucking worried about it too. I also have my English final, but fuck that shit, I have to get up and play a song, and say why I chose it, and why it's "special" to me. Gag. I did think it would be amusing if I did "Rose" by Westlife, and learned the little hand motion thing from Napoleon Dynamite. That would have fucking cracked me up. However, I did not. Unfortunately.... shit, the more I think about it, the more I want too though, so I might change this, and do it afterall.

We're supposed to get some more tonados and shit, which is just fucking grand. We got lucky the first time and didn't get anything more than a shit ton of rain, some hail, and some crazy wind that killed a few trees in the back yard. We got way lucky imho. Far too many people I know lost their houses and a few lost their lives, and that's effing scary. I'm pretty much done with storms, so they can just go away now plz. kthx.

I will be so happy when this week is over with. I'm way too tired, and I need to sleep in but I can't. At least not until finals are over and I'm done babysitting, and that won't be over with until either Thursday or Friday morning, depending on if Adam (the father) gets Friday off.

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butterfly

:: 2008 12 May :: 4.40pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Everybody - Keith Urban

I feel like something in my life is off... some small little piece, or even a large part. I don't know, it's very disconcerting though.
Honestly, I could just be psyching myself out about going to Michigan. I always do this. I did it with Karl... I did it when I was going to start school at Ferris, when I was going to move up after Christmas. I just... I'm scared. And that's hard for me to admit because I don't like to admit weakness, but honestly I am scared to death. I'm scared that anything and everything can go wrong, and I'm not going to go into details because there are far too many.
It's not that I don't think myself ready for this; I love Kelly and I am ready to start my life with him. I'm tired of being away from him, it's hard too hard and it's thoroughly depressing.
However, I am scared to leave here. This is the only place I've ever known. All of my family is here, and as much as we fight, we're close. Ashley is my best friend and as ready as I am to leave, I don't want to leave her. Or Taylor, or Trevor, or my dad or even my psychotic, bipolar mother. Or my grandparents. I mean, I will, obviously, I love Kelly too much to back out of this, but... I just hope he understands how hard this is for me. It's not that I'm wanting outright awe and praise, I just want him to understand that it's not that I'm reluctant to be with him, I'm simply reluctant to leave all of my family and friends behind. People who have been with me through everything.
I kind of feel like he's moving on and I'm getting stuck behind. I'm not convinced it's anything he's doing per say, but he and pJ and Mandie are moving out, getting an apartment, getting furniture and appliances and stuff, and I'm not there to help out and pick stuff out, and be excited about it. I want to be there. I want to be a part of it, but because I'm not there I'm not. We're living two completely seperate lives and that fact is really getting to me lately. I'm not sure there's anything anyone can do about it either; I just have to live with it. Only it's not really something I'm comfortable living with, but I don't see a way around it.
All of my friends are getting married, moving in together, planning their lives, and I'm not. I'm here and though I have a boyfriend, I don't get to hear his voice every night, feel his touch, and just be with him. It's hard to be happy for any reason when that weighs on my mind so often.
I know it's coming, I'll be up there this summer for awhile, and then either he'll come here for Christmas or I'll go up there if we have the money, which fortunately we do always seem to find a way, and then another semester and I'll be done with school and up there.
Confusingly, it's just as exciting to think about as it is daunting.

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eddy

:: 2008 12 May :: 9.06am

Hehe, so I finally did it. I handed in my crap to the Nazi on Friday morning, and it felt sooooo wonderful. So as of now, I have a ton of free time. =] Until I find a new job that is. So if you want to hang out, call me! And I will probably be calling some of you as well. =]

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butterfly

:: 2008 8 May :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden

Happiness!
I used to have this pretty intense affair with the computer in which I am currently on at school because it had Windows Live Messenger on it. I basically wanted to hump it like crazy.
However, I have now ended the affair because it never works anymore. It refuses to let me on WLM and for that I am very disappointed in it. Therefore, Meebo is my friend again during my time at school. I guess I should have always loved Meebo, because it is always there for me. It was there for me during high school... it's here for me now... Pretty damn good thing imo.

Anyway, I have the following shit to get done:
Study.

Yeah, that's about it. I have a take home final to complete for Personal Finance this weekend, a final for english and biology on Tuesday, and then the remainder of my final for literature on Wednesday. After that, I am effing done with this place until next fall.
I don't know if I'm going to get my 4.0 gpa, however, because I kind of slacked off in my finance class. It was ridiculous time consuming work and at the time I was just like "omg eff this." Now I'm kind of regretting that. Hopefully I do AMAZINGLY well on the final, I mean, I do have my book for it and everything, so that really shouldn't be an issue.
Keep your fingers crossed for me on that one. kthx.

Other than that, I've talked to Kelly and I'm ecstatic about that shit. I love him. He is like the funniest man I've ever known, along with the cutest, and sweetest. Plus... he's got quite possibly the cutest ass ever. Just sayin...

Apparently he, pJ, and Slayer are planning on moving out next weekend. I wish I was there to get settled in the place with them. I'm actually really upset about that. Like.... REALLY. I want to just up and move now, but I don't have a car or the money to do such a daring deed. However, if I were to rob a bank, I would so do it. I would be like "eff my stuff" and just leave all my amazing books and movies (huge parts of my life fyi) and just cram as many clothes in my suitcases as humanly possible, jump on a plane and be fucking GONE.
Enter reality... probably not happening. Plus, I want Kell to meet my family. It's far beyond time he does that. They're not the greatest in the world, but they're part of me and an astronomical part of my life. As much as I complain about them, I love them all. Plus, I enjoyed meeting his family more than he'll ever know. They treated me wonderfully and I love all of them as though they were my own. I even love the hell out of Gus and I'm not even a dog person. It's craziness what love can do to you. But oh how I love him =]

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butterfly

:: 2008 7 May :: 2.52pm

Gah!
>.<

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butterfly

:: 2008 3 May :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: 'Til Kingdom Come - Coldplay

I miss him...
Holy fuck. I've been gone for approximately 37 years, which sucks, and I'm not really slowing down too much in the next week. Like, we had a garage sale this week, along with some huge projects to get done for school and mom was home all week so that just made it busier because she's like crazy.
Anyway, this week I have the whole babysitting deal as previously mentioned, so I'll be gone like during the nights, but I should be home during the day and I can talk to Kelly while he's at work if he aint too busy.
I honestly feel like a sack of shit for just like up and vanishing. Like... I don't know, I don't think he would be mad at me, but it probably bothers him. If we swapped roles and he had been really busy and never gotten on to talk to me, I would be seriously bummed out. I don't know though, maybe he's been really busy as well. I don't even know what his life has been like lately, which makes me feel worse.
I just ... I don't know, I can't wait for this nonsense to be done with and he and I together permanently.
Seriously, if I'm sad and depressed I just think of him and it usually makes me feel better, and I love that. I love just thinking of dumb little things we say to each other like him mouthing me about the Hooka Lounge chick. Or like the time he had this ridiculously huge sugar craving and we went to the grocery store and bought junk food. He bought me gummy worms and they were like old and tough so he gave me his Life Saver gummies... You just have to love a man who's willing to share his gummies.
I just fucking love him.
I love you, Kelly, and I hope you know how much I miss you, and how much it kills me when we don't get to talk.

Mandie mentioned Michigan was her home... I want that. I want to be with Kelly and feel like I'm home.
I need that.
Hell, I deserve that, and so does Kelly.
The more we see each other, the harder this becomes. I know we'll get through it, we've been through too much not too, but I'm more than ready for it to be over with.
I need him for good; I need hugs when I'm feeling down, and kisses just because, and I need his arms around me as I sleep, and I know I'm being unforgivably sappy, but I don't even care. I'm pretty sure there's at least one person who understands what I'm going through, and that's all that matters.

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butterfly

:: 2008 29 April :: 4.44pm
:: Mood: cheerful

And... stuff.
I've had a fairly well birthday so far... not too shabby, not too shabby (obviously you're supposed to say that with a REALLY friggin weird accent or it just doesn't work).

Anywhores, I'm getting ready to go present my powerpoint in front of about 20 people, kind of nervous about that. I'm wearing heels so I hope I don't like... die in them.... or stuff.
<.<;;
Then off to Biology!!!

I want to insert another comment about dying, but Kelly would hurt me probably because he took away my right to die... so mean.

Anyway, thanks to all who told me happy birthday, I love you all far too much to attempt to put into words.
<33!

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