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Alright, so I typically hate short vague entries, but right now there is simply no way I can detail everything going through my head right now. Maybe I'll try in a bit here. Anyhow, at the moment, I am pissed, so if I say anything stupid, please forgive me. Anyhow, the sum of my thoughts seems to be: I hate this year so fucking much, and I want it to rot in hell. Now many people throw that phrase around loosely, but in this case I mean it to the full extent. Nothing has gone right, everything keeps going to shit, every light at the end of each long shitty tunnel turns out to be a fucking floodlight some asshole left running (oh, and it promptly turns off before I can make use of it), and everytime I feel like things can't get any more stressful, they plummet further into a bog of shit.

What am I stressed about, well, allow me to make an attempt to outline things:

1. I'm changing my major to psych, but I can't seem to get an appointment with my future advisor to discuss what classes I need to take and how to handle the transition.

2. I don't know where I'm living next year. I don't want to be in the dorms anymore. I'm sick of them, they cost as much as an apartment and you live in a poorly kept up closet. I found a possible roommate, but he doesn't want to move into an apartment.

3. I have finals next week

4. I may have failed my software design class. It won't count towards my major, but nonetheless it would be a horrible blight upon my GPA and really bad way to end the year.

5. I'm going to have to work at meijer when I get back home.

6.My love life is a mess (subpoints listed below, everyone grab your notepads)
-I like one girl, I believed that she liked me. She reveals this to me by kissing me before heading off to Japan for a study abroad trip. I decide to hold off on starting a relationship with her until she gets back. I figure if she still feels the same way, then we can date. I found out today from a friend of mine that she is apparently "going to put the moves on" her 'psuedo boyfriend'. Ugh I keep thinking I had to have misheard. Maybe I'm losing it or something. Maybe it's just a dumb fling. Anyhow the only other girl I have a crush on is:
-I like this other girl, she's had a boyfriend for 5 years and he seems kind of lame. Naturally I can't help but think "I could do a better job than him." Still, I think I may just be behaving dumb. They're obviously together for a reason, and I can't compete with it. I'm okay with that. However:
-if there is no possibility with either girl. I am back to square one. Screwed. I'm a 20 year old virgin who hasn't had a real girlfriend since Junior year of high school. Maybe I'm picky, maybe I'm unlucky. Either way, I feel so fucking lonely right now it's insane.
-there's another girl. She says she's loved me for 3 years. I just can't seem to return those feelings. I talked with her not too long ago because I had no one else to talk with. I just had one hell of a guilt trip laid on me. Um, did I mention that we've had sort of an off and on friends with benefits situation going for the last few years? Yeah, that complicates things further and adds to the stress more. Whee.

-not really my love life, but: I'm currently setting two of my friends up as a couple. They're extremely cute and I envy them horribly.

7. I'm trying to write my novel again. It was going well until now.

8. I have to read two novels by next friday for one of my exams.

9. Earlier this week I had a few panic attacks, and I think I may be having one now.

I basically...
...feel...
...shitty.

I'm shivering, though I'm not cold. I may have cried a bit, though that may just be my eyes watering from lack of sleep (I've been a bit of an insomniac lately). If I did cry, that's the only time I've cried in my adult life. The last time I cried before then was in elementary school.

So anyone have any thoughts? I think I may go sleep now.

If you read this all, thanks, and sorry about the annoyingly angsty entry.

4 rays shine | Bring a ray of hope...