Crimson Melodies

:: 2005 20 January :: 5.16pm
:: Mood: Meh.
:: Music: HIM- Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart

Exsistance is merely an illusion.
...It still hasn't quite set in that he's really not coming home. I mean, I didn't get to see him much as it was, but things will still be different.

I don't know what's going to happen. I would like to try to make things work, because I love him. I think I may be being unrealistic with the thought of that. I guess I'll have to talk things over with him. He means so much to me... You guys have no idea.

If Alex and Ben could make it, I think me and John could... That is, if he wants it...

I went to school, and stayed for the whole day. I was proud of myself, although I was out of it pretty much the whole time... I've slept even less than before the past couple of nights.

I had a really good dream... One of those dreams you don't want to end. Ever. I hate that feeling you get, whenever you wake up and realize you were only dreaming. *sigh* Life is just fucking grand.

So everything is hazey, and I have no idea what is going to happen next.
I'll just leave it to fate, I guess.

:: 2005 19 January :: 8.16am
:: Mood: Heartbroken.
:: Music: Shinedown- 45

Swallowed by pain, as I slowly fall apart.
So John's not coming home.
And when I talked to him, I didn't get to tell him I love him.
I kind caught up in my throat, and he just said bye, and hung up. =/

I didn't sleep well. I cried for a really long time, and I think I kept Carly up. I'm not going to school today. I wouldn't be able to pay attention. Plus, I keep getting really nauscious.

I don't know... My parents keep telling me everything will be okay. My dad has a case up in Virginia and he said he'd take me to go see him if I wanted.

I can't wait until he gets his charger... I need to talk to him.

*sigh* So, here I am at home... Left alone to dwell on it.
Maybe I should've gone to school... This might not end very well.

Edit- 10:55 AM-
*sigh* The one thing I've wanted so bad for so long... Whenever I finally have it, it's gone. I hurts really bad...

He's not coming back, and I can't do anything about it...

I fell asleep and woke up like 4 times now. It gets harder to fall back asleep each time, and it hurts to wake up.

Even the nightmares make me forget that you're not here...

Edit- 11:44 AM- I keep wondering what's going to happen next... And I know I've said it before, but I truley mean it when I say I will wait for you... Even if it is forever... I mean this with all of my heart. You are my everything.

2 Executed Notes | Leave Note

:: 2005 18 January :: 6.51pm

...I can't breathe. It hurts to cry...

He's not coming back...

Leave Note

:: 2005 18 January :: 5.02pm
:: Mood: Depressed.
:: Music: The Killers- Mr. Brightside (It's about to make me cry...)

*Sigh*
I came home today. "Sick"... I've had this sinking feeling ever since Sunday night... It's not stopping. *Sigh* Hopefully, everything will turn out alright. I haven't really been able to talk to John about all of this, which sucks...

The fact that my parents are talking to me about it is making it really set in... My parents never talk to me about my personal problems... It's kind of awkward.

This song brings tears to my eyes.

Marcus told me not to leave today. He said he knew I wasn't sick, and I was just depressed, which is weird, because I thought I was hiding it pretty well... =/ Bah.

Carlos was trying to cheer me up, too. He can always make me laugh, though. "Got that Rick James in your veins." Heh.

BLAH! Life can be a real bitch. But, I'll still be optimistic. I mean, there's a reason for everything...

I feel sick to my stomache.

:: 2005 17 January :: 8.05pm
:: Mood: Shitty.
:: Music: Mary J Blige ft. Ja Rule- Rainy Days

Whenever the sun shines bright, it gets so cloudy.
Keely just left. I started crying. I don't know why I don't want her to see me cry, but I don't think she ever has...

*sigh* I've cried so much today and last night... For a while I had myself convinced that nothing could mess this up, and that I would actually be happy...

I can't really eat... Carly and Keely kept trying to make me, but whatever I did eat, feels like it's coming back up soon enough. I feel so nauscious. I don't know what's wrong... It's never been this bad before. =/ I wish I knew more details, but I don't.

Just yesterday I was thinking about how no songs made me cry anymore. Heh. Man, was I wrong... I don't think I've heard a song today that didn't make me think of John.

Everyone around me keeps telling me things will be okay, and as much as I want them to be, I don't think they will. Part of me is saying that things might go back to normal, but subconsciouslly, I know it probably won't... and it hurts really bad.

I don't pray much... But I have so much in the past day...
It's scary how fast things can just change like that... It really is.

School is going to be Hell tomorrow. I'll probably end up leaving. Teachers can kiss my ass if they don't like it.

I'm rambling an awful lot. No one really reads this, though... So I guess it doesn't matter.

I couldn't sleep last night. I doubt it will be any different tonight.
John left his charger, so there goes that...

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I can't hold back the tears, and it sucks.

I love you, John... Even though you probably won't read this anytime soon.... You mean so much to me...

:: 2005 17 January :: 1.43pm
:: Mood: Fucking awful.
:: Music: Destinys Child- Emotions.

...
I don't know what's going on.
All I know is I can't stop crying.

I was so happy for such a long time. It hurts so bad to cry. I forgot what it felt like.

People keep telling me everything will be fine, and that I shouldn't worry about it... But I don't know.

---------------------------------------
Where are you now that I need you? Tears on my pillow whenever you go. Cry me a river that leads to your ocean... You'll ~~never~~ see me fall apart- In the words of a broken heart; its just emotions taking me over- caught up in sorrow, lost in the song... and if you will come back, come home to me, darling...
---------------------------------------
"Cherish every day you have, you never know what the next one will bring."

:: 2005 16 January :: 9.30am
:: Mood: ^_^ Asian.
:: Music: Disturbed- Stupify

I wuv my asian. (:
Well, I am korean. =]

Not really though.

Keely spent teh night. She kept making John really jealous.

"Exorcist diarrhea" (Anna spelled it.) And its right, bitch. -Anna.

PS- Anna spent the night, too. ^_^

We went to go get smoothies, but the place was closed. "A milkshake and two cocoa puffs" (Haha Casey.) So we went to the grocery store, and I took one of the Sierra Mist FREE things. (: And I stole a chocolate ball. Haha. Casey was dancing like a black man, and we turned a corner and a bunch of black people busted out laughing. Casey was like skipping around everywhere. It was great. "My ass is bleeding!"

It was a funny night. (:

I loff Anna. *strokes* (but i lofrfff keely more,)<--From Keely.

Uh, well. I am very happy indeed.

I'M SO HAPPPPYYY!!! ^_^

:: 2005 14 January :: 7.44pm
:: Mood: (:
:: Music: Breaking Benjamin- So Cold

Wigga, please.
I can't stop smiling.

John, you are so wonderful.
(Yes, I said wonderful. Bitches.)

It's been a really good week.

:: 2005 13 January :: 5.47pm

Yes John, I was talking about you. ;D

Today was rather fun. Chorus. Sang alot. Picked me and Rhianna's duet. Then played volley ball with Zach and Dirty. It was fun.

Went outside and spread mulch for Johnson. Had a test in Mr. Moore's. Mrs. Glasgow hates us. We did group activites in Math. ^_^

Then I went over to Fraylor's house. He had band practice. It was fun. I just got back. Now I'm going out to dinner with Carly and some people.

Much love.

Leave Note

:: 2005 12 January :: 10.58pm
:: Music: Hawthorne Heights- Dissolve and Decay

Dissolve and decay- there's nothing left for me.
It's strange... How one person can have such a big impact on your life- How you can have so much love, for that one person.

There are people who walk into your life, and it makes you wonder how you ever lived without them...

This week is going by so slowly... I can't wait until it's over.
It has been a very good week, though.

I am going to go to bed now...

I'll wait for you, I cross my heart.

:: 2005 12 January :: 7.48am

...Could it actually be love?

:: 2005 11 January :: 5.21pm
:: Music: Atreyu- This Flesh a Tomb

*sigh*
It seems like every fucking time I'm happy for more than a day or so, the people I love most are in worse moods than usual... =/

Today was alright. I'm losing sleep again. (Damnit).

Agh. Little brother and his friends just came upstairs. They're not helping my headhache. -_-;; I will kill them.

My dad was proud of me again, for my report card. I love it. I hate always being such a dissappointment, and always being so stupid or bad compared to my siblings. I brought my F up to a C and my D up to a B. If I can mantain that, and bring my Math grade up a little, I'll be on A-B Honor Roll.

We were talking about people being Bi-Polar in Mrs. Glasgow's class... It felt like a bunch of people's eyes turned to me? I don't know. I put my head down, trying to hide my face. But, Dylan kept yelling the funniest shit, and Carlos kept poking me and stuff... Gah. Paranoia.

So, afterwards, I was pretty much happy again... Even in Mrs. Connor's class. She didn't yell at me today.

Things really seem to be looking up. It probably won't last long, but I'll enjoy it while it does...

...And things really seem to be looking pretty bad for some people I care alot about. *sigh* As I said before, it seems like things get worse for them whenever I'm actually happy...

I love you all...

John... I'm really worried about you. =/

Leave Note

:: 2005 10 January :: 5.25pm
:: Mood: Loving.
:: Music: Destiny's Child- Soldier (Haha, Carly's watching MTV)

Shoot that nigga! Shoot him!
Haha today went so well. :D

Woke up ten minutes early. Left early. Actually got to school ON TIME!! ...Took Lightspan testing. -_-;; But I think I did alright on it....

Then I went to Chorus. :D Riel was in an extremely awful mood, but oh well.

Then in gym, I got to skip, and play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. =] Then I missed Reading time. Still playing GTA. And I got soda and candy. :D Haha, we were sitting in the back of Mrs. Johnson's room, saying like, "Shoot him nigga! Shoot him!" it was funny. (By the way, this stuff was for Keanan and Josh's Science Fair Project... So I got to hang out with a black guy and a wigger (But John's still my most favoritest wigger.) for a really long time. :D

Yay. Got a B in Science. C in Math. B in Language Arts. B in Social Studies.

And I love John. And Keely. And Aisha. :D

:: 2005 9 January :: 9.45am
:: Music: CKY- My Permiscuous Daughter

SHOPLIFTER!!!
Floating, falling... Sweet intoxication...

Last night was fun. Saw John, Keely, Randy, and Bryan. : )
I obtained a Care Bear from John. ^_^ (And finally got his Christmas present to him... XD)

John was like running away from Randy, so Randy, being the incredibly intelligent person that he is, yelled, "Stop that kid!! SHOPLIFTER!!" XD Then some dude... I think he worked at some hair place like went outside and looked at Bryan, and he was like, "They're gone aren't they..." It was so funny. :D We spent alot of the time looking for John, though.

I actually slept last night. Slept easy, and slept well. =) *long sigh* ...Wonderful.
No nightmares, either. (:

You alone can make my song take flight...

2 Executed Notes | Leave Note

:: 2005 7 January :: 4.15pm
:: Music: Deftones- Digital Bath.

Who the fuck is shooting us? Oh well! Fire missiles!
*sigh of relief* Thank God it's Friday.
Fraylor, Nick, Carlos and James will all be in my Chorus class next week. :D

AND Marcus, Zach, Nick, and Rhianna were already in there.

Today is Carly and Calvin's one year anniversary. I hate the word cute, but that's about the only word that can describe them. Heh.
(No, John, I am not turning into a prep.)

We played 3-way-dodgeball in gym. I was with all the black people. It were teh fun. ^_^

I do believe I'm failing Science.
I have a B in Social Studies.
A or B in Language Arts.
And I'm not failing Math. :D!

I am verreh sleepeh.
And we got DDR. :D
Yay.
HappyHappy.
Even though I don't feel too happy right now.
*sigh*

There's lots of space in this entry. Heh.