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2004 1 December :: 9.01pm
:: Mood: Bleh.
:: Music: Slipknot- Vermillion Pt. II
Yes, yesterday was a great day...
But to think I fooled myself into thinking everythign would automatically get better again. I am still in a slightly better mood than I usually am in, but I am dreading tomorrow.
I might get bumped off the solo. Mr. Riel says he wants some 7th graders, too. Although last year he only wanted 8th graders. Which isn't fair. We've waited our turn, just to get bumped off? No. This is really unfair.
My one chance to shine will most likely be taken away. Mr. Horrell will be there. I want him to hear me sing... (Mr. Horrell is the chorus teacher over at the High School). Why can't Mr. Riel just leave things like they were before?
Meh. I won't let it get to me.
...Or I'll try not to.
I still have those butterflies. It's weird. I have this feeling like I'm floating or something.
=) I kind of like it. Even though it makes me feel even more lonely, there's just this... nice sensation to it.
*falls back and sighs* :] Wonderful.
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2004 1 December :: 7.20am
*twirls around* I feel so uplifted right now.
I finally got a decent sleep last night. 7 hours. :)
Yesterday I sung my solo. Three times. I didn't sound wonderful, but then again, I didn't mess up. My mom, dad, and brother came to hear me. Dad was so proud of me. I'm so glad I finally did something right. I'm so happy that he has pride in me for this. I'm just overwhelmed at the fact that now I'm not just "wrong". I finally did something he approves of.
Went to the mall for Carly. She needed to get stuff for New York. So I was thinking when I walked in "I don't care if I look like shit, it's Tuesday at 7, I won't see anyone I know here." Of course, right when I turn the corner, there's John and Randy. I immediately went into my 'love struck, butterflies in stomache mode.' *sigh* It was so nice seeing them again. I didn't realize before really how beautiful John's eyes are...
Off to school now. Later, gators.
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2004 29 November :: 6.18pm
:: Mood: Twas a good Monday..
:: Music: Slipknot- The Blister Exsists
Today was a good Monday.
Chorus//Mr. Riel went with the seventh graders to the Festival of Trees. I'm going tomorrow. ; ; I desperately needed today for practicing. Oh well. Wish me luck on my solo tomorrow. ^^; I'm soooooo nervous. GAH!
Family/Consumer Science// Sucked. Bob and Rhianna are great. Jake is always covered in foam particals from art. Get that foam off your shoulders.
Science//Told the class about how people got stabbed on Thanksgiving... Also we talked about how Mrs. Johnson cleaned her collards in a bathtub with a rag. XD Wasn't too excruciating... ;P
Social Studies//Mr. Moore was in one of his flip-floppy moods. We talk about slavery too much. Rashon said that we should've asked the slaves to do the work politely, instead of saying "WORK NIGGA, WORK!!" XD I'm surprised Mr. Moore didn't get mad, hah.
Math//Sooo teh funneh. Substitute teacher-ness. We were doing our symmetry projects, but I got like nothing done. Oh well. We made sex noise, and Carlos kept yelling "Let's get naked" in a hight pitched voice. XD
Language Arts//Fat, old substitute teacher. Haha. Took 10 minutes "in the bathroom" before class. Haha. Came back, didn't do any work. Rashon got a referral so I walked her to the ISS trailer. XD Drew stuff on people's arms, then copied Alex's answers.
Sang Britney Spears in front of Mrs. North's open door. :) Talked to Jesse. He looked pretty good today. I'm still undecided on my view on him, hah. I went ninja on Taylor's ass.
So, it's been a B-E-A-UUUUTIFUL day.
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2004 28 November :: 12.20pm
:: Mood: Sleepy.
:: Music: Hawthorne Heights- Dissolve and Decay
Well, yesterday was one of those really fun days.
Went to the mall with Renee. Got Aisha's Christmas present... And some Elmo armwarmers :D. There were actual Abercrombie models at Abercrombie and they were charging money for people to get their pictures taken with them. XD I laughed at them.
Later, we had a bunch of people at the Blockade Runner (hotel) for the Flotilla (a bunch of boats with Christmas lights on them, heh.) Aisha came over at around 2 or 3, and we headed over there. We hung out in the room watching TV and eating (XD) for a few hours, then other people started showing up. Amy, Stef and Calvin came. Aisha and I went and watched Life As We Know It while the boats were going by, then we went and sat in the closet and ate pineapple. A bunch of people came in the room so we tried to be really quiet in the closet so we didn't have to explain it. Heh. I burped really loud, though. And I laughed at Aisha's joke. "What do you call a gay person in a sleeping bag?-- A fruit roll-up." There was this really hot guy in two rooms down from us. We kept seeing him around the hotel. We ran outside in the rain, and some lady bitched at us. There was this band playing down in the lobby and there were drunk old people everywhere. It was great. Then we got in the elevator, and guess who was in there! The hot guy! So we started talking to him for a bit. We asked him which boat was his favorite. His face lit up, and he accidentally blew a spit bubble when he started talking about how cool the John Deere one was, it was strangely kind of cute... Then we went back to our room and threw stuff out of the window. We were on the top story, haha. We shook up a soda and threw it down on the sidewalk. It was so cool. Later on, we were hanging out in the hall, and there was the hot guy. We started talking to him, and he came out and hung out with us. His name is Justin. He's a BMX biker. Lives in Raleigh. Heh. So we hung out for a while until some bitch with sand in her vagina came out and started yelling at us about how she had to wake up at 5 in the morning.
Aisha, Stef, Calvin, Carly and I all slept in the same room... XD It was fun.
Had breakfast, and now we're here. And I'm in desperate need of a shower.
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2004 27 November :: 1.10am
:: Mood: Meh.
:: Music: Brand New- Sic Transit Gloria
You know, it's times when you're up alone at 1 in the morning that you get to thinking.
I've never really been wanted. People in general have never liked me. Never. Preschool and elementary school are supposed to be carefree days. I came home with bruises, scrapes, and bad memories. You're supposed to just be happy; Not care about what anyone else says or does. By the age of 7 I had and extremely low self-esteem. So many days went by when I came home crying. People always called me fat or ugly. Kids would push me into clover patches, and make me eat them. They'd push me down on the sidewalks. Why? I'm not sure. I dreaded going to school. Still do. My tears and screams of "I don't want to" or "Stop" never phased them. Nor did they reach the teacher's ears. This is the reason why I tend to stay away from crowded places. I fear humans. Since those days I've usually kept to myself, and never really tried to make friends with anyone, for fear that they would be like everyone else. Now things aren't quite as bad as then, but I still get made fun of occasionally. I just hate being out in public. I hate being seen.
I just hate it when people get offended when I don't want to go places with them. "Are you embarassed to be seen with me?" No. Maybe if some of you read this entry, it will clear some things up for you... But not many people read this, so I guess this was somewhat pointless.
Mijime Da.
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2004 26 November :: 7.24pm
:: Mood: Bleh.
:: Music: Hawthorne Heights- Ohio Is For Lovers
Today//Woke up at noon... Miserable. I felt sick. Sat around for a few hours. Went to the mall with Carly and Amy. Got the Hawthorne Heights CD. Cane home to get bitched at by my dad. He yelled at me. He kept blaming stuff on Michael. I was yelling so loud, there were tears in my eyes. I honestly don't know why I stick up for him. -.- I hate having fucking yelling matches with my dad. He told me I made him wish he had used a condom, and that I tear the family apart.
Don't want to get into it.
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2004 25 November :: 5.45pm
:: Mood: Tired...
:: Music: Slipknot- Vermillion Pt II
Holy shit... I love living here. It gets old always being in the house after awhile, but I love looking out the window at night and seeing the moon reflecting of the ocean.
I live for things like these.
The simple things.
Yesterday//Keely and Aisha came over! Took pics that sucked, because my webcam is shitty... But they're on my photo album now. [[ photos.yahoo.com/xeuphoricsoulx ]] We dressed up (Yes, childish, I know.) in skirts, and stuff. It was fun. I got my green knee high argyle socks and my Ninja Turtles shirt. :D Yayyy. No Dave. Mr. I'm-too-cool-for-You was not online and would not answer his phone. So he missed out on the Aisha+Keely+Dana webcam experience. XD They went home ( ;_; ) and I stayed up until almost 2am on the phone with John... Couldn't really sleep, but what else is new?
Today//Woke up at fucking 7am. That's too early for a day I don't have school. -.-;; Showered and whatnot, then got in the car and drove to Sanford... Of course my family cannot sit together in a car for 2 hours without a few arguments breaking out, but whatever. Got to my grandmother's house. She was crying. Her condition is terrible now... It's very depressing to see her always so worried. Tammy doesn't even do much to help her. All she does is make sure she takes her medicines... It hurts to see my Grandma how she is. She's sooo weak and you can like see her bones through her skin. It was nice seeing all my family down in the south though, heh. Went to Judy's and saw Lea and Tyler. Was nice... Got in the car and drove back home... I was pretty happy. I forgot about the lonely feeling for a while... Then my brother had to hit me in the head witha bottle for singing. I usually have a high pain tolerance, but that broguth tears to my eyes. Just got home. Head still hurts.
Happy Thanksgiving.
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Long Friends Survey | Created by lovekills and taken 822 times on bzoink! | | Smartest | Probably Keely. | | Dumbest | Taylor Shaw. | | Funniest | ...All of them are pretty funny. | | Morst Boring | None of my friends are allowed to be boring. | | Most Popular | Aisha, or Taylor. | | Quiestest | Bethany. | | Loudest | Taylor. | | Laid Back | Hm... | | Outgoing | Michael. | | Sweetest | Not sure... | | Evilest | Michael. | | Prettiest | Keely. | | Ugliest | Me. | | Best Parents | | | Worst Parents | Renee. | | Best Dressed | Uh, probably Aisha. | | Worst Dressed | Dylan... XD | | Biggest Pothead | Dale. Or Christy. | | Prep | Aisha. :D | | Goth | ...KEELYYYY | | Punk | Seth or Taylor. | | Geek | Keely. "I could be doing homework right now!" | | Most Annoying | ...Most of you probably know this one, because I complain about her alll the time. | | Most Loveable | Keely. | | Sexiest | Dave :D | | Hotest | DAVEEEE :D | | Loves Money | John. Haha. | | Most Depressed | Hm...Not sure. | | Wants a Cow | SHAMMEH. | | Knows everything about you | John. | | Wants to know everything about you | ...Don't know. | | Has the most siblings | Hakki. XD | | Best Eyes | Iku. | | Best Smile | Dave has a pretty smile... | | Follows You | Rhianna. :) | | You Follow | Taylor. | | Ignores you | Eh... All of them at times. Dave mostly? | | Lies | Amy. | | Honest | Hmm... | | Most Kinky | Kinkaju. John. XD FUZZY HANDCUFFFSS | | Most Self Centered | Hmmm... | | Most Giving | John. | | Most Caring | ...John? | | Richest | ... | | Poorest | Hakki. | | Biggest Ego | Riley. | | Smallest Ego | Rhianna. | | Smallest House | Hakki. (Actually, I haven't seen his new house...) | | Biggest House | Hmmm... | | Lowest Self Esteem | Me. | | Most Confidence | Marcus. | | Flirtiest | ...Taylor or Marcus. | | Hits on your Girlfriend/Boyfriend | KIM MILLER!!! >:| | | Watches cartoons too much | Keely. XD | | Most Hated | Hmm... | | Most Loved | ....Hm. | | Hates People | Me. | | Would go goth | ...Eh? | | Most Obessive | Rhianna :D | | Corniest | Dylan. | | Tallest | Probably Andrew. | | Shortest | Rhianna. My wittle midget. ORRR Alek. :D | | Nicest | I don't know. | | Meanest | *sigh* | | Deepest [thinker] | ...Probably me? I think TOO much. | | Shallow | ...I am not at liberty to say. | | Best for Advice | Keely/John/Aisha. | | Worst for Advice | ... | | One you'd date | John, probably. | | One you'd screw | ...XD | | Known the longest | Alec Romulus. | | Met most recently | Jesse. Although he's not really my friend yet. | | Worst Taste in Music | Hmm... | | Best Taste in Music | Lots of them. | | Worst taste in Clothes | ... | | Worst Taste in Clothes | ... | | One you couldn't live without | Keely, Aisha or John. | | One you could do without | ...*cough* | | Clumsiest | Rhianna. So graceful. | | Most Prude | ...Not sure. | | Most Perfect | Aisha is a perfectionist big time. | | Most Slutty | ..... | | The Badass | Taylor. | | Best Personality | Lots of them. | | Worst Personality | ... | | Most Talented | Eh, donno. | | Would Die for | Keely, John, Aisha, Rhianna... Pretty much all of them. | | Would Let Die | None of them... | | Can always suprise you | Uh... | | Most Mysterious | People have said I'm pretty mysterious. | | Gives you the Lamest Gifts | No one really gives me gifts... | | Seeks Attention | Hm... Rhianna. :D Well, she used to. XD | | Most Guts | Are you calling me fat?! | | Want to be Closer With | Bethany/Dave | | Starts Arguments | Bleh. | | Solves Them | Me. I glock the muthafucka. | | Goes to You for Advice | No one likes my advice, although I'm good for venting to. | | Bitchiest | Heh... heh heh heh. | | Most Fememine | Michael. -.- Or Aisha Waisha :D | | Most Masculine | Keely... XD | | Blondest | Carly.. :D | | Most Creative | Aisha... or Keely. | | Most Musical | Hmm... probably Carly. | | The Pimp | Probably Taylor. | | The Whore | ... | | Hurts you the Most | Physically- Renee... Emotionally- Well, I don't want to say. Someone's feelings might get hurt. | | Loves you the Most | I don't know. | | Best Student | Keely. | | Worst Student | ...Taylor. | | Would Like to Take it to the Next Level With | ...Um... | | Most Annoying | Heh... | | Drama Queen | ... | | Most Immature | They all are at sometimes... | | Most Mature | ...Psh. | | Most Talkative | Uh, Aisha? | | Most Athletic | ...Riley. | | Most Snobby | Amy. | | Most Original | Hmm... | | Would Change for You | I don't know. | | You've Kissed | Michael. | | You want to Kiss | Dave. | | Can Trust with Deepest Secrets | John. | | Can always Cheer you Up | John/Keely/Aisha/Dave. | | Can Always Bring you Down | Anyone can. It's not that hard. | | One you love the Most | I love them all alot. | | Gayest One | ...XD Not saying. | | Nicest Hair | Probably Michael. | | Crys the Most | ...I don't know if they'd like their name right here. | | Eats the Most | ...Aisha XD | | Homophobic One | Andrew. | | Best Body | Haaaaaaaah. Marcusssssssss! | | Most Likely to Get Drunk and Bang Someone | ..Andrew. | | One who can Party the Most | Hmmm... | | Best Listener | John. | | Unique | All of them are unique, bitches. | | Neediest | ...Hm. | | Motivated | I don't know anyone's motives. | | Innocent | Wittle innocent Aisha Waisha. | | Guilty | Hardy har har. | | Spoiled | BWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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2004 24 November :: 7.20pm
:: Mood: Alright.
:: Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Maps
Rhianna: Man, I love emo boys...
*Brennen walks up*
Me: Speaking of which, Helllllooooo, Brennen!
XD
I feel so lonely all the time now... I guess I'll have to get used to it, because I don't think the feeling will be uplifted anytime soon...
Wait... they don't love you like I love you.
I want to hang out with Aisha and Keely...
But then again, I also want Dave+Luis+Ian pr0n. XD
All in all, boring day... Bernard's tall tale was the greatest.... "Rumor has it, Mrs. Blobson's chins swallowed a kid whole once.."
So it's been an alright 3-day week...
I feel like... love. I don't know how to describe it. Meh.
Incredibly 3m0,
CHICKEN GEOOORRGEEE I'M YO PAPPY!
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2004 23 November :: 10.33pm
:: Mood: Meh..
:: Music: Jack Off Jill- Strawberry Gashes
It has come to my attention that RGMS has absolutely no prettyboys. ; ;
All my pretties live far, far away... It saddens me.
I'm in no certain mood at the moment. Preps squealed left and right at the sight of my hand that I stitched up and left in the entire day...
We had substitutes in Math and Language Arts...
I still feel so lonely...
There's like, this empty tingling feeling in my chest that won't go away... It stays there all day, and until I fall asleep. I hate it.
I wish this feeling would go away.
In the words of Mrs. Johnson,
DON'T GET OUT OF THIS BOAT!! DON'T DO IT,
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2004 22 November :: 7.56pm
:: Mood: Mediocre.
:: Music: Skindred- Nobody
Well, all in all, today was alright.
Got the Firefly Darkness solo. Content with it. I'm scared I'll mess up, though. It'll be my first time singing by myself for a large group of people.
Sewed my fingers together again, but this time with a cool diamond pattern. :]
Staci likes Bob. I will feel like the ugliest person in the world if they end up going out. Which I doubt will happen.
Got another CD from Dylan. :]
Made a webalbum. There's only like 7 pictures on it. No one comments on here anymore... I guess someone might still read it, so here it is...----> http://photos.yahoo.com/xeuphoricsoulx
Yup. All is well with the world.
BETHANY JUST SIGNED ON!!! :D
Yay. I go now.
I want Dave =O,
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2004 21 November :: 1.45pm
:: Mood: Alone.
:: Music: Breaking Benjamin- So Cold
I'm fucking sick of being alone..
I hate sitting here, on the verge of tears. I wish it wasn't so fucking hard for me to be happy.
I wish I was beautiful... It seems my looks tend to be the center of my sadness. It's wrong to hate yourself, but it has been that way for me my entire life. Even in my care-free elementary school years, people taunted me, and called me fat or ugly on a daily basis. Hell, I even remember being called ugly in PRESCHOOL. This was the beginning of my downfall. It's sad, how something so seemingly innocent as a group of 8-year-olds can turn someone into a person like me... Being alone makes me feel like I am nothing. Being alone makes me feel ugly and unwanted. I want more than a day to go by where I don't have to fake at least one smile. It's pathetic.
Why is it so fucking hard for me to be happy?
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2004 20 November :: 10.39pm
:: Mood: Lonely.
:: Music: Eminem- Just Lose It
Well, today. Woke up, and straightened my hair. :D I like it.
Talked to Dave for a long while about some nice Dave on Luis on Ian on Ville Valo on a whole bunch of other guys action. Noice.
Then Steffeh came over and we hung out. And the Melosh family came over for dinner, and then Amy's in from Connecticut. I think Calvin's spending the night.
Right now I am veiwing Dave's webcam. I freakin' love this kid.//Plus, he's wearing eyeliner from his play earlier. ^___^ Squee.
I think I'll go for now. Just updating my journal 'cause I'm bored...
And I feel lonely... =/
I'm so tired of being alone...
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2004 20 November :: 1.28pm
:: Music: Trust Company- Downfall
Wen to the Hoggard game. Without Andrew.
I'm sore. I got pushed off benches 3 times. Each time, I landed on my back. I think I might try to straighten my hair right now. I guess I'll update later.
Had two weird dreams, which scared me because I sometimes have premonitions. I don't think they'll happen, though. I really hopel not.
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2004 19 November :: 5.00pm
:: Mood: Pretty good.
:: Music: Crossfade- Cold
Turns out teh Dana got an A in Language Arts :D ...So, in general, my grades aren't too shabby.
Yes, I know. You're all wondering "What the Hell... when did Dana start worrying about grades?" I'm really not too sure myself.
In Mrs. Yeoman's class today, we were sewing... I sewed my fingers together. They kind of hurt now, because I ripped the string out, but it was cool. Sang the Silent Night solo in chorus. I used to have my heart set on the Firefly Darkness solo, but I'm kind of diggin' the Silent Night one now... It's in German. (: Mr. Riel says he wants me to keep practicing putting out more sound. I think I might get this. Mr. Horrell will be at our next concert, so he can hear me sing. (That is, if I get it.)
For once, I am confident about myself.
I might go to the football game tonite. I'm only going if Andrew's going, though. I miss that fucker.
All in all, today was actually good. All is right in the world.
...Except for things with Bob, but let's not mention him right now.
Forever Optimistic *COUGH*,
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2004 17 November :: 8.39pm
Today just hasn't been my day.
Got my progress reports. Did pretty well. Got an F in Science, though...
Got rejected...
Someone who means the world to me has started smoking regularly....
I've just been so exhausted. Sleep loss has been at an all-time high.
I used to think this wasn't anything serious, but I might need to go see someone about it... I have really bad anxiety. I get so nervous, and I'm not even sure what about... At night, it's like I'm afraid to sleep or something... I don't know what it is... But I need it to stop.
I feel sick.
My train of thoughts is everywhere. Please excuse if this is somewhat hard to follow.
I know these dumb little kid relationships are stupid, but I'm tired of feeling so alone...
I wish life would throw shit at me in somewhat more frequent patterns, spreading it out, instead of throwing it all at once.
I wish things would even out.
I'm sick of always being such a fucking pessimist, but it's something I can't help. I've tried to look at the brighter side, but the darker side always overpowers it.
You don't have to tell me how much better I have it than other people. I know that. I can't help the way I think. It's something I've tried to change, but failed.
I wish I weren't such a fuck up.
..I wish I could exceed in something.
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