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2005 25 January :: 10.40am
So I don't know what to do anymore. I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. I thought and I cried. Last night was difficult. Work seems to be getting the better of me. Finally I began thinking of Friday night when I was talking to Dani. About thinking about things and not being able to wrap your mind around them. And I was calm. I stopped crying, I stopped thinking about how much I hate myself and what I have done wrong. It was like God was telling me that I don't have to understand, that it's okay. That I will never understand His love, but His love will always be there. Then I fell asleep around 4:30am. Then i woke up at 6:30am and it started all over again. I got up and I cried. I called work, got bitched out, hung up and I cried. I went to see Mr. Smith, only he didn't know about Adam, so I told him. I left there and I cried. Right now I feel like crying. I don't know what is wrong with me. I could bust out of this shell and be me. The wierd me, the one that many of you know. The one that notices the three hot chicks sitting next to me. The one that notices that white G-string the blonde is wearing. But there is nothing there. No way to make that humorous or even slightly intriguing to me. And that is that.
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m&ms487
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2005 24 January :: 3.23pm
This is going to be a very looong week. I work tonight until ten thirty, or until the lot is clean, but i don't think they can keep me much past that because i'm a minor. Tomorrow I have lessons after school in Howard City. Wednesday I have a debate meeting and pit practice. Thursday, all work for my solo and ensemble things. We're playing them for the class Thursday. Friday debate, and maybe something else. And, in the culmination, I get to wake up at five thirty Saturday morning to go to Mona Shores for district solo and ensemble. My first performance (piccolo duet) is at 8:08 am. My solo is around 9:30, and our quartet is at 11:27am. Then I'm done. Done Done Done Done Done.
I really can't wait.
Well, then I'll probably have state solo and ensemble, which, of course, is the day after the last day of the show, which i have pit rehearsal EVERY DAY for the two weeks before. Where is all the time?
Oh, and flute choir is comming up.
Oh my.
Well, no one can say that I'm not well rounded in my extra curricular activities and work experiences.
I actually miss those days when I came home from school and watched tv and was bored. I always wished I had some activity to do, something that was fun.
I think I bit over did myself, don't you?
Ah, well, going to go eat something and straighten my hair. And watch tv, and relax, and chill, and whatever.....just not think about going to work and how cold and horrible it's going to be clearing the lot by myself.
ughh.
-michelle-
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2005 23 January :: 1.24am
So I finally did it. At 6:00am this morning I called Kim. Yeah, I know, it may seem kind of wierd, but that's probably the only time that I could say what I had to say to her that she would actually listen and not blow me off. I told her about how even though I am so pissed at her right now that when I tell someone I love them I mean it. I may be pissed at her, but I still care. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I didn't need to do that for our relationship, but I needed to do it for me. But then she had to go and screw it up. She left me a note at work saying that "what you talked about works both ways." WTF? What is that supposed to mean? I don't know, and I'm not about to ask. It was hard enough swallowing my pride to call her this morning. The whole situation just pisses me off, but you all know that and it's time that I just stop and get over it.
On another note, it was hard to hear that. After spending time with them, and not knowing him personally it's hard. I know his brother and his sister pretty well. You just have to ask yourself what has to drive someone to kill themselves. So, to echo the sentiments I heard on another journal, Rest In Peace Adam. May God watch over you and your family and give them peace and wisdom.
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2005 19 January :: 4.56pm
Idiots, that's all I've got to say. Why is my journal time on central standard, I don't know.
Stupid people on mlive talkin' about what happened in DC. This one chick was like "she should find a good American boy." How racist. I'm sorry but until America starts to realize that we all have a stake in this country and stop demean other people, we will go nowhere.
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m&ms487
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2005 19 January :: 7.00am
Well another snow day....when am I ever going to get my AP chem exam done?
Well, this morning was nice. I woke rueben up a little bit ago because he spent the night, with all the to do over his dad and all, and Zach came and got him a few minutes ago to carpool to GRCC.
It's really wonderful seening the person you love first thing in the morning, even if we don't exactly looking our chipperest.
Now I'm listening to flute music and freezing my ass off in this corner.
I hope this does something for Manwel (okay, i really don't know how to spell it, but that's how you say it).
And Ema. I bet he did a lot of this for her. She's the cutest baby I've ever seen.
-michelle-
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2005 18 January :: 6.37pm
This is a Charlie news update:
I know who the man is that is threatening to blow up a bomb near the White House. I'm sure most of you that are reading this know him to, or at least his relations. I am not at liberty to say who it is yet. Follow this journal throughout the night for further updates.
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2005 18 January :: 1.59pm
I feel old now. There are people on Woohu who didn't exist in the 1980's. That is scary. How long will it be before some of us long time users can be considered "old" timers.
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2005 18 January :: 1.49pm
So, I've gotten back to being myself. I'm not all pissed off all the time anymore, although I have been slightly depressed lately, because of some pretty depressing news.
Talked with Brianna last night. It was good, what I needed. I did come realize that I have many more close Christian friends than I had realized, and that made things feel better.
Relationship wise, I am searching. The problem is that between Shari and Kim I really wasn't seeking a relationship. Sure, I was lonely and perhaps I would have liked to have had someone, but it wasn't something I was actively seeking. Well, at least not until Connie came along and changed all that. But now, I don't need anymore time to get over this. Yes, it was shorter, I am still mad, but the depth isn't there because there isn't anything I need to wrestle with in my own conscience. Which I guess is a good thing. I'm just afraid that by searching, I am going to end up with the wrong girl. That my wants and needs will supercede God's will for me. It's a difficult conundrum.
Ashley was right all along when she said that I needed to turn my focus back to God. It's just at that point I was being stubborn. I didn't want to. I don't know how I felt, perhaps almost injured by Him. But not anymore.
Things get clearer everyday. I see that things aren't going to work out for me in some respects. I'm already preparing my options because I don't think that this is going to last much longer. It's taking a toll on me, plus I'm still only 20, will be 21 in June. I haven't seen enough to be tied down. Plus there are things that I want to do, that maintaining the these things won't let me do when the time comes.
So there is a quick update. time to hop the bus downtown so I can go home.
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2005 18 January :: 1.37pm
Why is it that so many people have so many problems? There are so many nasty things to get involved in. I just feel like us humans aren't much different than a herd of buffalo, except dumber. We start to stampede, running, who knows where. Then we reach a cliff and most of us just keep running and end up falling off that cliff. No matter what it might be, drugs, alcohol, sex, we just keep running, like it's all going to be okay. But the rest of us, the few that don't fall over the edge, we are the smarter ones. The ones that said, "No we will not let ourselves die mindlessly." We would rather face our fears and our insecurities than running from them and destroying ourselves in the process.
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m&ms487
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2005 18 January :: 7.37am
:: Mood: calm
So we have a two hour delay for some unknown reason.
This means I'll have a lot less time to complete my AP chem exam, that's only half finished (after 2 days of working on it).
This means that I got an extra hour of sleep, I'll be awake when I get to school, and I get to catch up on Good Morning American.
Gotta love those 66 year old women who give birth and those college presidents who say women don't have the aptitude to be at the top of the science and mathmatical fields.
I think he was from Harvard, but how should I know? According to him, I probably don't have the aptitidue to listen to the tv.
Ah, well, have to go and straighten my hair into oblivion. I swear someday all my hair is just going to fall out because I do so much crap to it. Oh well, then I can just give more away to locks of love.
-michelle-
p.s. First day without modern business!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like a new person.
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2005 17 January :: 12.31am
When you find something out that has already happened, why do you always think of a way to make up for it now?
So I found somethings out tonight. Things that border on the edge of me losing this precious balance of contentment that I hold. Things that would actually cause me to cry myself to sleep.
I don't know if they don't understand this about me, or that I'm just part of a bigger world which tells them the way I feel is not possible. When I tell someone that I love them I mean that.
My love knows no bounds, and it's not conditional. That's why I fought it for so long the first time. Because of what I knew it would mean. But they don't understand. They don't understand the depth, the connection. There is very little that I wouldn't do for either of them if they asked. These tears sting.
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m&ms487
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2005 14 January :: 12.02pm
It's all so close. No. Yes. No.
Such little things can hold you back, if you let them. Circumstances.
It's been so cold today.
I wish it would go away.
Exams are the worst things ever invented by mankind.
Especially AP Chemistry exams.
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spud
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2005 12 January :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: pissed
you know, just for once i'd like to blame it on someone else...
i'm pissed at babbitt for not teaching me differentials. he throws out a couple terms the last five minutes of class, and expects the completed assignment the next day. i understand it's AP and he teaches it like college, but i've got news for ya, pal. this isn't college! maybe i SHOULD be capable of teaching myself calculus with nothing but a flashlight and a book under my bedsheets, but i can't. i think it's bullshit that so much time and effort goes into wiping some dumb kids ass, just so maybe he'll learn something about the foundations of algebra, against his will, but seriously. why waste your time, and then leave the semi-intellectual kids like me out to dry. maybe i'm ingrateful, because if it weren't for him teaching calc in the first place, i'd be sitting in mr. andrus's algebra II class getting a 98% for jacking off all hour. but still, if you're gonna half-ass it, why waste your time?
all i can say, is we better have some fucking donuts on friday. something to keep me dredging through the chapter 3 test.
i'm sick of katie being so goddamn difficult. i love her, i really do, but i'm tired of busting my ass, and having shit fall through, then getting flack about how i'm not good enough.
and mom is pretty much the same thing: bust ass -> falls apart -> get flack. it's just fucking rediculous.
i'm supposed to do what they all want me to do, and in the end, all they say they want is for me to be happy, have what's best for me, and stay true to myself! thanks a lot, fuckers.
i know i can't "do it all," but i do as much of 'it all' as i can, and it's never fucking good enough.
so, the next logical thing they tell me, since i can't do it all, i should limit my tasks to things i can accomplish. and (remember, in order to stay true to myself) i will HAVE to accomplish them to standards that I deem reasonable.
i've never really tried it, but i remember (again this is mainly, but not limited to, my mom) all the times i've been told to 'shoot for the stars' and 'never be afraid to try new things'. always being open to new ideas is the equivalent of setting everyone else up for a dissappointment in you.
if i choose not to do new things, and am never open to different ideas, then i'm not living up to my full potential, i'm not striving to be the best that i could possibly be; which is, obviously, unaccebtable. so, then i take on all this extra bullshit, which - ordinarily - would be worthwhile, but then causes me additional stress. so, i'm here working like a dog, driving myself to exhaustion, only to have them say, i should rest. that i'm not taking very good care of myself. i need to relax and take a breather.
so, i sit back. i do the things that i WANT to do, rather than what i SHOULD do, or NEED to be doing... only to have them tell me that i'm a fuck up for laying back on the job when there's shit to be done.
this is approximately my tenth year of living this cycle, of tolerating this incessant bullshit, only to be let down by myself, and be a dissappointment to everyone else.
and in those rare epochs where all those fucks have me convinced for a split second that i'm actually doing okay, it all falls out from under.
and it's not just mom and katie. it includes all those little people that you'd never expect, who blindside me on a daily basis. mom, bruce, dad, katie, libby, teachers, grandparents, friends, family, family friends.
it's rediculous. and i let it happen. because i don't know what else to do.
every day i go to sleep feeling ragged and worthless, or - worse yet - i actually feel good, while there's a nagging part of me that feels guilty for enjoying my mediocrity.
and amid all this, i can't even come up with a good project for tv pro. on "the pressure to attain academic perfection." how's that for ironic?
i suppose it would be moreso if the piece were simply "overall perfection in all aspects of your life."
i suppose, out of all of them, dad is the best to me about it. simply because he has the greatest empathetic capacity. he lives the same shit every day that i do, and does a much better job at dealing with it all. but then again, he's always exhausted. but, more often than not, he seems to enjoy it.
on the one hand he's an inspiration. evidence that someone can actually survive in this sort of lifestyle. but it's also a downer that he squashes my aspirations of ever superceding the cycle of bullshit. i always thought that, one day, i'd be old enough and just grow out of it. that if i just plugged on for a little bit more, maybe god would reward me and make it go away, or something like that.
but that's just delusional.
in the end, i'm just a schmuck who spent his day off talking on the phone with his angry girlfriend, watching a movie, stuffing his face, dicking around, doing laundry, skipping homework, and ranting on his blog.
for most people, that's a normal fucking day. why, for me, then, is it a substandard performance, full of wasting time and not getting shit done?
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m&ms487
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2005 11 January :: 12.18pm
I swear I wanted to die last night. I have hardly ever been so.....fucked up?
Today is a long day. I woke up at 4:30am to memorize my drama thing, and go in early for a history test. After school is a band trip meeting, and then I have to drive to Howard City to give lessons. Finally I should be home around 6pm. I want to sleep then.
I'm having a bit better day today, but still tired.
michelle
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2005 10 January :: 11.28am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Do You Fell Like We Do?" Peter Frampton
The New Year, New School
Well I just got out of my softball coaching theory class. It seems like it will be pretty easy. There are only like 8 guys and 20 girls though. That's to be expected. I feel like I have an advantage because I've learned so much already. He talked about throwing technique and knowing the rules. Well, I'm a rules expert and we've only been focusing on throwing technique for the last three years, so I think I will be in pretty good shape.
On another note, I'm glad to be getting back to school. Finally I have something else to think about besides the largely depressingly insane, hate filled foggy haze I've been ever since I found out that she was seeing someone else. I'm also looking forward to it because I'm tired of being propositioned by girls that, yes, if I were desparate I would do something about, but I'm not that desparate, yet.
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m&ms487
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2005 7 January :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: anxious
So I just gave a huge part of myself to a group that I barely even trust. I guess you just have to do some things. I guess I just had to say some things. I took the step, as scared shitless as I was about it, but I had to. That's the only way I knew how to trust them. We'll see what happens. We'll see...
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2005 7 January :: 4.23pm
:: Mood: demanding
EVERYONE!
alright, either i'm a moron, or somebody needs to yell at gunnie.
either way, i can't find a way to put up a poll, so i'll do it the old fashioned way.
... this is for tv productions (you'll be a statistic on FOX 17!)at four in the morning
1 - have you ever felt pressured to achieve academic perfection? (y/n)
2 - have you ever been punished for failing those expectations? (y/n)
feel free to elaborate or whatever. i'm likely going to be wanting things to quote. and any new ideas on aspects of academic pressure would help immensely.
thank you, all!
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m&ms487
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2005 5 January :: 9.12pm
So much is going on, but still it feels like nothing. Nothing is striking that chord, you know, the one where you're like "this is great, I'll always remember that".
If you don't remember things, then how do you know you really had a past?
You write them down? What if you don't remember writing them? Then, does that mean you never wrote them?
If I am part of everything I have met, yet I don't remember everything I have met, then isn't that like forgetting who I am?
If you are left with no past, no memories, just impulses and thinking, then, are you really a person? Would you do the same thing as you would if you knew of a past?
I need to go to bed before I drive myself crazy.
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2005 5 January :: 6.52pm
:: Mood: amused
formal essay magic!
well, it was magic for me, anyway. have at it you youngsters!
i'm assuming you have eilola, and i'm making suggestions according to her strictness. the paper i received was not in mla format, so i'm hoping you did all that. it can be rough if your word processor gets temperamental.
the biggest thing i noticed is how you did (or didn't) do your prep work. when i'm writing a formal paper like that, i have steps that i like to follow, and they make the rest of the work much easier. first, i'll find a topic or argument, or whatever, to go with, and i'll make my thesis statement. here's what i gathered your thesis statement to be:
"Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is one of several American poets who helped create a new sense of literature throughout the 19th century, and who utilize romantic features such as nature, imagination, and individualism to enhance the characteristics of life in their poetry."
the thesis statement basically outlines the body of your essay. therefore, if she requires 3 main pts, 10 supporting quotes, etc. i can plan everything out to mold with that skeleton, or framework. before i even begin a rough draft, i will write an outline based on my thesis and quotes, figuring out how they will all fit together. once i have them organized in front of me, the rest is just a matter of plugging it into the equation.
a little trick mrs. millard showed me is to make a powerful introduction by using a strong quote. so, i'll take the quote i find, transition from the quote to my thesis, and then begin the body.
with the thesis that you have, the first body paragraph is nature, 2nd is imagination, and third is individualism. i'll find 3 quotes for each body theme (thus fulfilling my 10 quote obligation - including intro), and plug them in wherever i can make it work. that much varies, depending on quotes and stance, etc. each body paragraph should start with a topic sentence, like "Longfellow uses nature in 'The tide rises, the tide falls,' to support his belief that life is cyclical." that way the reader knows exactly what you mean, and all you have to do is convince them that you are right. plus it helps you keep things straight in your head, and it helps you transfer your thoughts and information to the paper in an organized way.
the conclusion simply rephrases your thesis, maybe works in an extra quote as a clincher, and again summarizes your main points, kind rounding off the whole thing. there's a french word for it that i can't remember right now..... "Denouement," i believe.
other things to watch out for throughout the paper are:
- historical present tense (talk like you've traveled back in time, and they're not all dead).
- formal vocabulary (stay away from slang and generic phrases. swap different nouns and adjectives to shape what you're saying into something that is concise and rolls off the tongue). i.e. fix awkward sounding sentences.
- punctuation, mechanics, grammar. (again, that yellow book is the holy grail)
- use artistic license to make the paper yours ( it's one of the more difficult things to do.)
realistically, i don't expect you to do everything i just said. i'm just telling you what i do to make my papers decent, and maybe you'll find something in there that works for you. usually i don't even accoplish all of this stuff. also, this is for a formal paper. if it doesn't have to be formal, then don't stress yourself over all of this stuff. but i know most of American Lit. is formal essays, and i'm sure you'll have one for your 2nd semester novel. i actually had 2 2nd semester novel essays.
so, hopefully that helps, and i will now concede my soapbox.
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2005 5 January :: 10.33am
It was feeling that was there so long ago. The things I'm feeling now are the things that I was feeling before. Entrapment. I want to run away to get away so bad. I want her to be able to talk to me like a civil human being and I don't want to be mad at her any more. But there is nothing I can do about that. I wish we could forget the whole thing and just be friends, but we can't. I can't even give in to call her. I won't because of my pride. And my pride was genuinely hurt. That's why I hope this Saturday that things will change. That I will have a great night and I will be in a mood to go for something I've never been brave enough to do before.
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m&ms487
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2005 1 January :: 8.07pm
Sometimes you can't always have what you want.
Sometimes people are going to hate you, and you don't understand quite why.
Sometimes people do things you don't agree with.
Sometimes you can't help what you do.
It's all because we are so much more complex than we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes you just have to live with it and get over it. Sometimes you have to stand up and say something. Either way, we are all gone to die in the end. I know this sounds morbid; but who is going to care in another 100 years anyway?
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m&ms487
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2004 26 December :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: "Vesuvius" by Frank Ticheli
Everything
It just doesn't seeem all that much like Christmas anymore. I think you need children to make Christmas magical. Other than that, people can just bring you down by being asses.
I've been working a lot lately. I have about 23 hours this week. That's a good $100 in my pocket. I really want to get transferred to another department, or find another job. I like my job to a certain point, and I know how to do it, I think it's just because I'm lazy, or I actually like to be home at night and get my homework done.
I got lots of good Christmas presents; a few books, good smelling things (lotion, candles, perfume..), make up, a tuner/metronome for my flute, food...all that kind of stuff.
We had my Aunt, cousins, and grandparents over yesterday. My cousin was hitting on rueben, it was so cute. He didn't it until I told him, too. He's quite oblivious to things like that I guess. I wasn't mad or anything, I thought it was quite hilarious. She's 12.
Jessie came and spent the night wednesday after my performance with Mrs. Spinella at Dollarville and my Dentist Appointment. All went well.
Solo ensemble is comming up soon. I really hate it. I hate solo ensemble, I really really do. But it's something I have to do for myself. One of those things that you need to do now in order to benefit from in the future. I just have a hard time taking criticism.
I have to work tomorrow and Rueben is comming over tonight again after he gets out of work. I swear I don't know what I would do without that boy. He keeps me sane.
School in a week. Don't want to go back, but I'll have to. It's just the way things are. I've been having dreams about institutionalizations lately. Just the general catagory, with specific examples. All very scary. I think I'm scared of being lost in the crowd...but I still feel safe in it.
Ah well, time will still pass no matter what any of us do.
michelle
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2004 23 December :: 11.15am
:: Mood: better
:: Music: BNL - Gordon
I can't believe nobody else on this entire website is interested in guacamole ...
yeah. i'm over you, durr. total yesterday's bullshit.
spanglish was really totally awesome last night. i have a new respect for adam sandler (and i'm grateful he has escaped from the happy madison rut).
in other news, here are my U of M essays:
Christopher Lee Best
At the University of Michigan, we are committed to building a superb educational community with students of diverse talents, experiences, opinions and cultural backgrounds. What would you as an individual bring to our campus community?
I, as an individual, would bring many talents and experiences, along with an eclectic set of interests, to the community at the University of Michigan. I enjoy many sports, whether I am a spectator or an active participant - sports such as soccer, hockey, and football. My biggest contribution would likely be in the form of music. I love listening to music, I enjoy playing music, and I have a serious passion for making music. Whether it is through my voice, drum, piano, guitar, or some instrument I have yet to learn, my thoughts and feelings are often best communicated and understood through music. And when I am able to share sweet sound with others who also appreciate its beauty, I experience a level of ecstasy I have yet to find anywhere else. In addition, I have a way with words, so to speak; meaning, I possess an extremely broad vocabulary and the lucidity to wield it commandingly. I am rather adept when it comes to mathematics as well, and also find myself exuberantly making various calculations. Although I am not always the most expedient, I am conscientious in all that I do, and have the focus, determination, and ability to lead others in creating a meaningfully crafted end product. I am a worthwhile addition to your campus community and learning environment.
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Christopher Lee Best
College of Literature, Science, and the Arts (LSA): What led you to choose the area(s) of academic interest that you have listed in your application to the University of Michigan? If you are undecided, what areas are you most interested in, and why?
On my application, I declared that I was undecided in my primary areas of interest. This indecision is derived from my consideration of two different variables: skill (ability), and curiosity (interest). I have so many skills, and am equivalently curious, in such a plethora of fields, that it is extremely difficult for me to decide on one, or even narrow it down to two. In no particular order, my interests include English, Film & Video Studies, Mathematics, and Music. If I were to choose English and Mathematics, I would most likely desire to pursue a degree in education, primarily based on past experiences that have proven those subjects to be the easiest for me to communicate to other people. However, if Film & Video Studies and Music were my preferences, then I would be likely to choose a more industrial profession. Regardless of my projected career, the reason I am most torn in this decision is because my overall talents and interests in each of these four areas are all very high. Therefore, I choose the option of allowing myself a little more time to state my final preference. I am not fully prepared to declare a particular affiliation due to the amount of weight with which this decision has been encumbered.
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Christopher Lee Best
[C] Some writers suggest that by tradition science is concerned with truth while art is concerned with beauty. How might these two endeavors be the same? How might they be irreconcilably different?
To make an initial clarification, writers are not infallible, as they are subject to bias and prejudice, just like the rest of us. Conversely, writers are not exempt from making accurate assessments and solid judgments from sound perspectives. So, perhaps the most honest reply is that they are an amalgamation of both cases - never to be fully trusted, nor to be callously disregarded. But those souls whose occupation is the manipulation of language are not terribly pertinent to the query with which we have been posed.
The current concern is the relationship between science and truth, in juxtaposition with that of art and beauty. Allowing, as ever, for extraneous incongruities, one could claim that science and art are unique and different interests, solely concerned with the equally distinct truth and beauty, respectively. Scientists have spent entire lifetimes seeking the true basis of life, the most sublime particle of matter, only to discover that as they learn more, the truth they find is that there is no such creature. From mol to molecule to atom to nucleus to proton & electron to quark & meson, the inevitable progression continues onward to infinitesimal minuteness. Artists have spent entire lifetimes trying to emulate and accentuate the most beautiful forms that can be found in nature. The human figure, the plants and animals, the ocean, the land – all that we can see – possesses beauty, a harmonious sort of aesthetic pleasure that we can somehow transfer into a medium through which that pleasure may be synthetically derived. My personal preference, regarding beauty, is toward nature’s symmetry, equality of direction and weight - the ultimate compromise. If it is true that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” then there is symmetry to the truth behind our physical makeup. The fact that all naturally occurring molecular structures achieve magnetic neutrality through the balance of equally opposite charged particles, which themselves are composed of even further equally opposing particles, leads me to believe that the chemistry of matter gives us a truth of duality that is extremely beautiful with its simplistic symmetry. This incongruous exception shows that the truth really can be beautiful, and beauty can really be true.
In keeping with that inherent dichotomy, there are also times when the contrast between truth and beauty is stark, and reconciliation between them cannot be achieved. Let us this time use a fictional example, where the crazed scientist Dr. Frankenstein so feared his own mortality, that he sought a scientific means of escaping death. In reality, those scientists who have striven to simply extend our life expectancy still have found that human mortality is inescapable, an unchangeable truth of our existence. Death is something that we all must face, and it is a truth that none but the most peculiar human minds can define as beautiful. Going in the opposite direction, some of the most beautiful art is found in its abstract form. Whether derived from aural or visual stimulation, abstract art is beautiful (deemed so once again by our mysterious ‘beholder’). But, however beautiful, the basis of abstract art is that it is portraying something that would not naturally occur, and is often not even plausible in the physical realm, thus necessitating the title ‘abstract’. Consequently, this beautiful abstract artwork is, in terms of reality, irreconcilably untrue.
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that was fun.
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spud
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2004 23 December :: 11.08am
:: Mood: enraged
dear durr,
my request was simple. and since you didn't acquiesce to my request, you are a little bitch. no, you're a HUGE ASS, MOTHERFUCKING SCUMBAG BITCH WHO GAVE ORAL TO A MOOSE IN THE BACK OF AN ESCANABA TAXICAB!
... bitch.
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spud
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2004 21 December :: 10.35pm
:: Mood: generous
:: Music: BNL - these apples
how do you like them apples?
alright. for the next lucky bastard who wants a woohu journal (and is cool enough to be reading mine):
92817-WOO-8k
my only requirement is that you sign my guestbook once you get your account, just because nobody ever does that, and it makes me feel special.
and if you don't sign my guestbook, but still take the code, i'll have gunnie nullify your insurance. and then i'll have addison sleep with your dog, woofie. and then i'll have my sister sing you the national anthem.
just sign the damn book, OKAY?
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spud
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2004 21 December :: 10.20pm
:: Music: BNL - break your heart
how dogs celebrate christmas:
1. Rise at 5:30 am and wet-nose the master
2. Go out and pee on the world.
3. Make poopy
4. Sniff poopy
5. Seriously consider eating poopy.
6. Go inside and eat tinsel instead.
7. Throw up tinsel on living room rug.
8. Drink out of the magic well.
9. Sleep for 17 hours. start all over again.
...
that was totally stolen, and then modified.
it'd be funnier with the pictures.
yep. time for bed. i'm tired of this college bullshit.
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m&ms487
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2004 18 December :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: contemplative
What I learned today
Today was one of the worst days that I have had at work. It sucked driving home in the snow, I my stomach hurts and my legs are tired.
Today was one of the best days of my life, and this is why:
A few days ago I brought my santa hat into the band room so that I could wear it to pep band last night. I've had it for a few years and there are some memories with it (probably some that I would like to forget, but none the less are still there). Yesterday when I got to school, it wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere. I was upset, how could someone steal a santa hat? They're so easy to get, you can get them practically anywhere. I mean, probably even the gas station.
Today when I got to work, all the cashiers had on antler head bands or santa hats, or some such thing. I quietly thought to myself, "I don't have a santa hat to wear, because SOMEONE STOLE MINE!"
When I went up to the podium (at work where they give us our assignments to do for the day) Dawn, the SC (service coordinator, person who tells me what to do) was talking about how some of the cashiers thought it was stupid to where the hats and antlers. I piped up, "Oh, I think they're cute, I would wear one, but i'm not a cashier". Well, Dawn told me I could wear one anyway, and I picked one out, a Santa Hat, not well made, but it would do.
I wore it for a while, and when I went back up to the podium Dawn told me that I could keep the hat. One of the cashiers had bought about 40 hats and antlers for everyone to wear, and was going to let them keep them.
I had a Santa Hat once again, but that's not necessarily what made me happy, or made me write this incredibly detailed (probably boring) entry. I realized this:
No matter what form it comes in, you will always be returned what is yours, from a smile you give to a stranger, money you give to a charity, or from a Santa Hat. Mine just happened to come the next day.
I now have a new Santa Hat, maybe not quite as good as my other, but it will do, and it came with a valueable lesson. I do find it quite ironic, though, that fate chose to show me this using a Santa Hat, a symbol of the most giving and cheerful time of the year.
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upchuck
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2004 16 December :: 12.29pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Theme from "Hey Dude": Do you remember that show from Nickelodeon?
People
I think it's a breaking point. It's a point that comes in life where you can either give in to life and let life win, or you can fight back. I look in my life for people that haven't let life take them over. Or at least people who have the potential. People who I think will be something more than what life says they are. I can't think of too many people at work who will ever overcome where they are at. One person I do consider like that is Dustin. No matter what happens in life he is not going to let it get to him. See, I thought Shari was like that. I thought that she could be something more, something so much more. That is why it is so frustrating to think about her now. Yes, she may be happy, but she could be so much more. That is why it is disapointing for me to think about Jessa. Yeah, she's happy, and I'm happy for her, but I thought she could be something more than what she is at this point. Life (marriage and children) have gotten to her. Not that it's a bad thing, and knowing her, she's going to go after it, I know she will. Then that brings me to Kim. Someone who is so much smarter than me, someone who I see so much in, that's why it frustrates me.
Today I began to wonder if I was one of those people. I'm beginning to doubt that I am one of those special people. Yeah, I know a lot. I'm somewhat smart, but not as intelligent as some people. I'm average. My job doesn't really give me great satisfaction. I keep making small mistakes, but I feel as if I shouldn't be making any. I was out to dinner with my parents on Firday night and they talked to some people that they knew and those people talked about where their kids were going to college. How their daughter was getting ready to go to Harvard Law and their son was in Florida at some top aeronautics school. Also how they were paying for their kids to go to school. My dad was just kind of looking at me and he said, "it must be nice." There was this tone of disappointment in his voice. I couldn't figure out where it was directed. If it was directed at me because I have to balance work and my grades suffer, because I wasn't good enough to go those places, or if he was disappointed in himself that he couldn't do that for me. Maybe I'm not one of those people anymore. Maybe I've let life get on top of me. Maybe I've let life break me too.
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spud
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2004 15 December :: 10.15pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: BNL - These Apples (live)
christmas or something
school is bullshit.
as always.
i can't wait till i'm out of that hellhole. there are only a few select reasons to stay at that place. i count: TV Pro, Calc., and British Lit.
that's about it.
i've decided i want to get a new car. but i need to find money first. which is awesome, because it gives me time to shop.
the only problem is, if i find something i like, i'll want to get an advance from bruce, and i don't know how that will go.
plus i have college shit to worry about.
i'm REALLY afraid of this peabody thing.
but i also REALLY want to do it.
yeah. K-T is hott. i love you, girlie!
(even though you're borderline spooky-stalker type)
i'm more excited about my birthday this year than i thought i would be. and it has nothing to do with the fact that i'm 18. it just has to do with the good vibe i'm getting. i don't know why. i'm just jazzed.
and christmas too. as much stuff as i need to finish before i can relax, i still feel great.
scary, eh? i used to complain about doing it. now i'm just glad to have a little extra time to get it done.
but yeah, lights are up in my room (600 this year!!! w00t~!), and last night i wrapped presents. i still need to buy/wrap kathy's, dad's, and katie's, but everything else is done.
i finish the "hawk talk from hell" tomorrow. and i have my econ presentation tomorrow. psych test tomorrow. brit lit test tomorrow.
calculus nap tomorrow. band sucks always.
spud, out.
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upchuck
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2004 9 December :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: I'm Done
:: Music: "Nothing Lasts Forever"
I'm Done
I'm done. I am just plain done. I am done with all of it. I am done with my professor being a bitch and giving me a 79 on a very good paper. I am done with the entire situation. In a week I will be done with the semester. I'm just done. And I'm done with her. I don't know what else to do. I wake up in the morning and I think about her and I think about ways to improve the situation. But then all I can say is that I am done. I'm not sure things will ever be the same. I'm done.
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