this is absurd. the very first day of class and i'm already stumped. i'm very - not quite concerned, but - uncertain about how this semester's going to go. if this assignment is any indication, probably not well.
PSAs are unavoidably tacky. especially when they're about high school. i thought a PSA was a good beginner assignment. but making the topic high school dropouts is cruel and unusual punishment, especially when you're giving it to a roomful of college students who have obviously never dropped out of high school.
and then you give me 30 seconds to change a mind that i can't even begin to fathom? that is bullshit on a stick.
I just finished with my first class of the new semester. It was English 201, which is an English Composition class that's required. Boo. But...I do have it with the same professor I had for Literary Analysis, which is cool. He's in his seventies, has a five year old kid, and is fairly crazy. Yep.
Anyway, most of my classes are tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes!
i love it when i have those moments where i feel like i'm on felix felicis and everything just falls into place.
then there are those other times where i try and try so hard to adapt and adjust correctly so that it will fall into place, but no matter how hard i try, it just doesn't fit.
i hate those other times. i'm always tempted to give up on them. but i never do, because i know there's always hope that suddenly felix will step back into the ring and make it all better. but he doesn't always do that. and then i'm left holding the bag.
::
2007 31 December :: 12.40am
:: Mood: on the precipice
:: Music: jamie cullum / jamiroquai (libby's playlist)
i've never really made a new year's resolution before. i mean, i've had little things that i decided to do or not do, but nothing monumental. kind of similar to lent. i give shit up for lent sometimes, but it doesn't fucking matter. i don't take it too seriously. mainly because i think it's bullshit.
mom makes new year's resolutions every fucking year and never keeps them. which is far more huge than she realizes, because it exemplifies the much larger personal issues she has yet to overcome.
the point is, this time i'm actually resolving to do (and not do) a few things. however, the chronology is merely coincidental. i would be doing these things, regardless of the time of year. which is why i'm not starting the effort precisely on new year's day. but i am making the effort ... and soon.
additionally, i'm not doing it for anyone other than myself. to prove to myself that i don't have a problem. i mean, i know i don't, so in that sense i don't require proof, but that doesn't make the proving of it superfluous or unnecessary. i am essentially proving to myself that i can prove it, even though i know i don't need the proof itself, per se. how's that for circular logic?
and i'm going to use the reallocation of funds idea that hunter gave me this evening as a part of that effort. and it's going to be brilliant. the only flaw is going to be making sure that the fund is not liquid, so that i wind up spending it on other stuff, which is what always happens. the fund has an express purpose. it's not a slush fund, it's exactly what i said it is, a reallocation to a different end.
so, to recap:
:: i am making some resolutions, which should resonate in my mind, body, and pocketbook.
:: although it will be the new year, these are not new year's resolutions.
:: although they are outward acts, these resolutions are for nobody's benefit or harm other than my own, despite their potential external impact.
this is a time for togetherness and love and going out and doing fun stuff.
and when you don't have anyone to have that with, it's a royal pain in the heart.
however, the difference between my situation and the majority of everybody else's, is that i could have had that, and i decided to let it go.
not that i'm regretting the decision. i know i did the right thing. it's just that more difficult to deal with, knowing that i only have myself to blame.
Classes were over last week and grades are in. Time to look to next semester. It should be fairly easy. I'm only taking thirteen credit hours so I can have more time to relax (one thing I learned about last semester is that I need time to myself so I don't get so stressed out).
We've moved into our new apartment, which is very nice. It's a four bedroom town house. The main level has a living room, a bathroom and a large kitchen/ dining area. The upstairs has the four bedrooms and another bathroom. We have basic cable and broadband internet, which means I've been watching CNN for the past week and Rueben has been downloading the whole second season of Heroes for us to watch.
I've been working a lot lately, as always. I have thirty seven hours this week and thirty eight next. I help close the store on Christmas eve, and I have to be back at ten am the day after Christmas. I'm not too thrilled about that because that means I have to drive home and back all in one day to spend Christmas with my family.
Rueben's mom came and visited us yesterday. We went out to breakfast at Lil Chef and then went to the Antique's Mall next door. I had to leave for work, but Rueben and his mom continued on and I'm pretty sure he got me my Christmas present(s). As for me, I'm done with my Christmas shopping, and everything is wrapped with many twirly ribbons.
So, I feel like I'm in a limbo; I just sit around until I have to go to work and then I go to work, come home, sleep, repeat. I am sick, though, so that throws a little mucus into the mix. gross.
School starts up in a few weeks, and we'll see what happens.
i really like this album a lot. i always have. and somehow it always helps me.
but it doesn't change the fact that i'm sitting in my apartment, now half-empty, waiting for nothing to happen; just as i have been for the past couple of days.
i got a C on my last abelard and heloise paper. my botany professor was not in her office, so i still don't know how i did on my mistletoe paper. i'm not very optimistic though. but i suppose i did alright on the exam, and that should help make up for it.
there's a bunch of cleaning to be done here, but i really don't want to do it.
i can't decide if i want to get out of here and escape from it all for awhile, or if i want to laze around and wallow in it. i don't have any good food here though. i really want some good food, some good company, and just something to make things different than they have been for the past week or so.
yep. and starving kids in africa want food. but just because you want something, doesn't mean you'll get it.
exams are over. the semester is over. nearly twenty-one years of my life are over. nearly 2008 years have passed since the institution of that which is currently referred to as the common era.
and mostly i'm just tired. i'm sexy, sitting here with my shirtless, pajama-pantsed self, waiting for the next thing to happen. mostly, i'm just trying to figure out what that next thing is, and what i need to do to prepare for it.
edit:
and you know what the worst part is? i'm more than halfway done with college (62.5%, to be exact), and yet i feel as though i'm almost farther from my destination now than i was when i started. i know that's not true, but that's how it feels.
and i know that in the end it'll be over faster than i ever could have realized, and i'll wish it wasn't gone. but right now it just seems so oppressive and eternal, and - horribly - completely useless. i can't help but have this notion that i'm going to graduate and get some job that i could have gotten with a high school diploma, that has nothing at all to do with my major, and be utterly content for all of existence.
i suppose it's not a bad ending. but there's a very expensive extra half-decade thrown in there somewhere.
The semester will be done as soon as I write an eight page paper for my Latin American Literature class and submit it online. I haven't even started yet, and it's due by midnight.
I ended up working a ten hour shift last night. It was absolutely horrible. I was suppose to work from one to nine-thirty, but the lady who was suppose to work from five to eleven called in. So, not only did I work from one to eleven, I was alone at the service desk from seven on...which, during the holiday season, is not a pleasant experience.
I got home and my legs were killing me! But, I took a soak, and all was well.
I also got my secret santa gift from, my Kappa Kappa Psi Brother, at work last night. We had a holiday party (that I missed because of work), but Sara brought my gift to Meijer for me. She gave me fuzzy socks, chocolate, homemade fudge and lotion. The chocolate and socks helped me to get through the rest of my night!
Anyway, off I go to start organizing and writing. Wish me luck!
i feel like someone wanted to hang out tomorrow night, but i don't remember who. there's also the german club christmas party happening at the same time.
and i have my two "hard" exams.
sometimes i suck at life, just a little. it's not like hardcore suckage, it's more along the lines of moderate.
Edit:
1 - i'm enjoying the sudden popularity that my journal has been experiencing. i think it has something to do with a general increasing trend in the overall woohu traffic.
2 - emo philips is currently on my journal header. i like it.
We're packing and I still feel like it's morning. Rueben went to go get my car from Don and Steve's apartment, and I'm taking a break from going through things.
After I got out of work last night I met Rueben at Don and Steve's and had a few. We ended up staying up the whole night talking and then went to Lil' Chef at 6:30. Then, Rueben and I came home and went to bed. Lil' Chef is six doors down from our apartment, so Steve drove to breakfast and we walked home. Rueben's gone to get my car, which has banana boxes in it from work so we can start packing. We also need to go do laundry.
I've realized that final exams week (starting tomorrow!) is actually going to be a relatively easy week, at least compared to what I'm use to. I have one big exam per day, and an eight page paper due on Thursday, but I think I'll be just fine. I could skip the exam in most of my classes and still pass with a C or higher, so I'm in good shape.
We're moving on Friday and I've started sorting through our food and planning what we need to eat until then. I still need to go start packing my room, and, of course, clean.
But I don't really understand why I should clean, they're just going to knock our building down anyway. But...I want my money back, so I'll do it.
I'm going to miss our little apartment...but our new one has a huge kitchen, a dishwasher, and Jessie.
"We'll get through somehow, this is only temporary/ Not now, but soon/ We'll be living in the future."
There's a penny on the ground, and it's sporting a frown while it's raining outside.
There's another one around, facing neither up nor down, because it is worth two points.
Today is my 20th birthday. I feel quite old, but know that I'm still one of the youngest people I know. How does that happen?
I guess I'm finally caught up to myself. People have been guessing that my age was 20 since I was 16.
I'm not about to do a year in review, I don't have enough time or motivation for that, but I will take a moment to make a few general statements for posterity sake (or so I say).
I'm a sophomore in college now, and that has made me a stronger, better person. Being a Brother in Kappa Kappa Psi has made me part of something larger than myself, and that's always something I had felt I was missing.
In the past year, I have become more liberal than ever, even toying with the idea of Socialism in the form of Democracy.
Unfortunately, I only watched Mrs. Doubtfire about 12 times (that's only once a month!)
I have met some amazing people that recognize me for who I am, and can understand that I am different people sometimes.
I have grown more responsible, less fearful, but more worried.
But, above all, I am here, and I made it, and that's something that I didn't think would ever happen four years ago, today.
::
2007 30 November :: 1.14am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: porn
fucking dumbass...
... so i had this dream last night that i was riding in the car with kevin. obviously it was kevin's car, since i don't have one. but then again, it's a dream, so nothing's obvious, since it could have been any car, because it was a dream. but it was kevin's. anyway.
so we're cruising along, and he's going like 65, which would be fine, but there's this curve coming up. i'm not paying attention, because i'm trying to improve my skills as a passenger and not be such a backseat driver like i always am. so he tries taking this corner waay too fast, and the car starts sliding, and we go off the road, and there's this big patch of grass that we cruise through all sideways-like until we get into the trees, and then fall into this big gorge. and as we're flying through the air toward impending doom (in slow motion, of course) all he can do is blame it on the car. and i'm just like "dude, what the fuck is your problem? it's not the car's fault. you were going way too fast for that curve and are just freaking dumb." so then we hit the ground, but are still bustling along in our weird spinny-hovery-ness, and we encounter some trees which take out the windows for us. and i'm like "dude, we've gotta bail before we hit the bottom" but he's all braced for impact and shit, resigning himself to whatever fate lies at the bottom of the gorge, cursing the shortcomings of his automobile all the way. i see my opportunity in a relatively soft-looking patch of earth, bail out the shattered window, and watch the car go tumbling down.
i woke up before he hit the bottom.
i don't think it really means anything, but i figured i'd write it down. because that's the kind of thing that i do.
i'm seriously getting pissed off. because this is bullshit.
i bombed my presentation today, my eye is bugging out and hurting, i keep hurting people and pissing people off, i'm always exhausted, and i can't stop thinking about how much i suck.
and it's not one of those times where i really don't suck, and just need people to convince me that i don't. it's one of those times where i really do suck and all i need to do is stop sucking, but apparently i can't.
three more weeks and it won't matter, right? right.
I've been working so much lately. Yesterday was horrible at work. "Black Friday" makes me want to kill someone, or a lot of people.
But, I did get some humor out of it all. I was doing a Western Union Transfer for a lady, and one of the other people at the desk asked for my help and the lady was like, "No, you need to do this for me now, I'm in a hurry."
So I said, "Okay" and went as slow as I possibly could. I am normally very fast at typing and processing the transfer, but I made sure to look over everything a few times before I sent it. Then, when I gave her the receipt, she ripped it out of my hands and tromped away.
I hate my job.
And people at the desk are dropping like flies. One guy went to the pharmacy two weeks ago, and another girl found a new job. She said she'd come in for her last few shifts (Thursday through this Sunday), but she hasn't shown up yet. This is not the season where you don't show up to work.
Ah, well, the semester is almost over, only two more weeks and then exam week.
Rueben and I are moving into another apartment on the fifteen of December because the people we're with right now are giant assholes. But, Jessie is coming to Central and we'll all live together in our four bedroom town house happily ever after. Yes.
I have to write and give an after dinner speech on Wednesday. I have nothing. I guess I'll just wait for the last minute, like always.
::
2007 23 November :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: nostalgic, as ever.
:: Music: Billy Mack - Christmas is all around me
"I feel it in my fingers,
I feel it in my toes,
Christmas is all around me,
and so the feeling grows
It's written in the wind,
It's everywhere I go,
So if you really love Christmas,
C'mon and let it snow
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
You gave your presents to me
And I gave mine to you
I need Santa beside me
In everything I do
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow
C'mon and let it snow
So if you really love
C'mon and let it
If you really love me
C'mon and let it
Now if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow"
I gave myself the morning off from classes. It felt so good to SLEEP. They gave me thirty hours this week, and next week. I don't know how I'm going to be handling that, but I guess I'll find out.
Papers to write, but I have four hours now, so that shouldn't be a problem. I need to take some time off more often.
It's Monday morning and I've had a very long weekend. I worked last night until eleven, went home, and wrote a paper for this morning. I didn't write the other paper that I needed to, but I'm sure she said something about we can wait until Wednesday to do it. I hope, at least.
I'm working thirty hours this week. Although I don't have school on Thursday or Friday, it's still going to be hell. I'm going home on Thursday so Rueben and I can go to his family's Thanksgiving. Then we're driving back up the same day so I can work on Black Friday. Ugh.
Now, off to Communication Theory, which strangely, I've come to enjoy.