[ steak n shake will never be the same ]
man, i love having good nights. first i kiss josh plude, then i have another good night the night after lol.. it's just that much fun.

so last night, i get home from work and i'm like "damn.. i wanna go someplace." so i get at liz and we go to the brickhouse. which was kinda gay. i'm sure it would've been more fun if we were 21, but the special m's on our hands kind of ruined it for me. but yeah, that place was fuckin packed.. but some nice lookin guys. not the point.. so we were there for a good 5 minutes lol. then we left. unfortunately, i parked at the top of a fucking hill. these stairs we had to walk up killed. do not give a fat girl stairs, bitch'll complain the whole way! lol. so what i do? i complained.. the whole way. and almost died. which is sad. by the time i got to the top with liz, we were ready for a nap lol. but then we got in my car and drove around for about an hour.. almost dying. i ran almost ran a red light, then almost took out a dude on a bike. we got lost.. then we found ourselves again. and then we went to steak n shake.

okay, i had to be home by 2.. we got to steak n shake at like 1:45 lol. so god knows i wasn't gonna be home by two. oh well. so our waitress lady.. lol. she was funny. me and liz were just kinda.. bein stupid. and we ordered our food n stuff, and then liz didnt eat the onions and the waitress was like "you're nice, you didnt eat the onions. way to save her." i was like "save me from what?" and.. yeah. so when she left i asked liz and we busted up laughing so hard.. cause we figured she thought we were lesbians. oh man, it was funny. so yeah, after that we were like.. talking about lesbians, and i said somethin and the damn waitress was RIGHT THERE and she was like "bad timing on my part.." and walked away lol. then i couldnt help but like.. talk all lesbian with liz when she was around. she was waiting on somebody else n i was like "what?! LIZ! you're breaking up with me!?!" lol and liz was like "omg.. shut up.." lol but it was too funny.

so yeah, we didn't leave there till like 2:30. we took our precious time. then we left.. and came back to my house. watched spiderman will make you gay.. watch it.. click here. then we played clue till 6.. and i took her home.. and i came home and went to bed.

it was.. fun. :)

- Jejuan

[ ahh.. jordannn! lol ]
i.. kissed josh plude. lol.. i'm going to HELL lmao.
thas alright. he's leaving tuesday anyway. no biggy.. :)

me and jordan are bomb!

i wanna go back to the fuckin party man.. god damnit lol

- Jejuan

[ what da prob'em iz ]
thoughts have accumulated in my skill.. and it's spittin out shit like a uzi. but.. my head is not a gun.. so i'll continue..

is it such a bad thing to be nice around somebody when.. they're around, but still dislike them? no. i'm a nice person, damnit. and i'm respectful. i'm not gonna start a fist fight at graduation with somebody that annoys me.. i will be nice.. and talk with the person, laugh, smile, be.. nice. i said that. but once you up and ditch me, after you already ditch me for your abusive boyfriend.. and leave me alone at a senior all nighter.. yea, ima get pissed.. and bitch to matt about it. cause matt is fun to bitch with. indeed he is. anyway, that was my shpeal. heh.. shpeal.

all nighter was alright. first hour was fun, then i got bored. during the karaoke.. jill ditched me and left with jacki.. so i felt alone again. then i decided to go walk around.. by myself.. like i do when i feel the urge to pull out a gun and shoot myself infront of everyone so they all feel bad. i found matt.. we talked about the bathroom.. then we found these giant.. bench/couch things. totally watched everything in the "mystery lounge" and nobody even knew we were there.. cept the stupid parents that made us go down for the video.. that we watched.. and saw me in it like.. once. twice. because i didn't exsist in kindergarden-first grade in cedar. matt was in it once cause he's alive today, but wasn't then either lol. but still. i had a lot of fun with matty. boy's an entertainer.

bus ride was alright. i had more fun sleeping though. it's really great to have picked on dan tho.. lol. ;) he's fun. and so is keegan. everyone needs to ask the windo who the hottest person is.. and it will tell you keegan. for sure. i'm ready to move on though. not.. from the keegan wind.. but from school and cedar springs. before i go.. i gotta go clubbing with dan cause.. i told him we were gonna lol. it will happen, damnit. it will.

alright, i have a lot more to say but i dont feel like it no more.. so im done. peace out homies.

- Jejuan

ps. click this and spiderman will make you.. happy ;) lol

[ mature a bit, would ya ]
back itches.. hold on..

alright..

oh.. gotta text message.. be right with ya..

okay. just so everyone knows.. j's dizzy. k great. anyway.. back to what i was gettin at. ima not dwell on things i can't change. i thought of that.. earlier. and then i got happy again. by myself.

but i can't change that.. so i'll just learn to live with it. so my new motto..

learn to not dwell on things you can't change

k good, go away now. :)

- Jejuan

[ saw this in cheryl's journal ]
Name 20 of your friends below. do i have 20 friends?

1) dan laatz
2) keegan loye
3) liz thorington
4) jacki smith
5) jill joldersma
6) tanya denslow
7) autum burnett
8) trisha wright
9) sam shaw
10) matt whetzel
11) amanda farrell
12) john ackerberg
13) j melendez
14) tj.. somethin
15) dana kwiatkowski
16) allison
17) lisa
18) wendy
19) carrie
20) riley

- Who is #8 going out with? cody.. somethin-er-other :)
- Is #9 a boy or a girl? nobody really knows.. lol. girl.
- Would #11 and #2 make a cute couple? amanda and keegan? hm.. i dont really know. i love them both, so sure :) keegan's the hottest. ask the wind.. it will tell you.
- How about #18 and #4? wendy & jacki. no..
- What grade is #17 in? she's a college freshman
- When was the last time you talked to #12? learly this morning. like.. 3 or 4.
- What is #6's favorite band? def leppard
- Does #1 have any siblings? yup.
- Would you ever date #3? lol. i'd date liz. sure.. i love me some liz. lol no i would not.
- Would you ever date #7? not if i'm with liz, DUH!
- Is #16 single? last time i checked.
- What's #15's last name? read..
- What's #5's middle name? renee
- What's #10's fantasy? lmao. matt has many..
- Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? no way.
- What school does #20 go to? fuck. i dont know. she's in jacksonville, florida.
- Tell me a random fact about #11? we have the same birthday
And #1: dan laatz is a liar ;) lol i'm kidding
And #3: liz agree's. lol
- Have you ever had a crush on #16? allison? yes. i still do.. :) lol
- Where does #9 live? in a van down by the river
- What's #4's favorite color? uhh.. good question.
- Would you makeout with #14? if i felt like dying that day, sure. lol
- Are #5 & #6 best friends? no
- Does #7 like #20? they dont know eachother
- Does #8 like #19? they dont know eachother either
- How did you meet #15? band.. i think.
- Does #10 have any pets? pussies. :) lol
- Is #12 older than you? yes he is.
- Give #13 a hug. oh man.. i can't..
- Is #17 the sexiest person alive? yes.. my god, yes. ;) lol

[ final decision ]
i'm not gonna be your friend anymore. have a great life with kevin, jacki, tj, and.. whoever else. an apology just does not cut it. it would have.. if it wasn't a week late. i'm not mad anymore, i'm disappointed. that my friend.. from 11 years.. would do something like you did, and let him treat me that way, and completely ignore me when i'm within 2 feet from you for a whole night. i'll be nice tonight, i won't say anything. infact, i won't say anything to you after tonight either.

you can't fix the damage that you caused. if you don't think it hurts me to know that i spent 11 years, sticking up for you when people would talk shit about you, and being there as much as you'd let me.. you're wrong. i don't want to be alone, but i will be. i'm not going to degrade myself because i feel left out. let me feel left out. truth is i don't want you to be with kevin. what kind of friend will be with somebody if he's just going to talk shit to me or.. about me? that's not right. i would never be with somebody if they ever talked that way to you. never. i'm not happy you're with him, but i'm a nobody to all of you so it really doesn't matter what i think.

that night.. saturday.. the 21st. i did do a lot of shit. no, i'm not blaming you, i'm blaming you and everybody else that lied to me.. and told me they wanted me around. fuck that. if you didn't want me to feel left out, that whole night was the complete opposite.

we're done, and tell your mom i said sorry. i'll see you around.. maybe.

- Jejuan

[ graduation babyyy ]
alright, so that's tomorrow, but i'm psyched. i got my hair & nails done, already effed up my nails, but i'll survive so long as i don't look at it. :) um. let's see. i'm in a pretty okay mood for.. wanting to off myself lately. j's been.. helpin me out with that. yes, i'm talking to him again, but that's it. we argue about.. him comin up here sometimes tho. or.. well.. not comin here. whatever. but i'ma stop all that and just move on. you can only wait for somebody for so long, and if he got marlene.. he don't need me. soon, he won't have me at all and he can jus live the rest of his life without havin to think of me. i'm just waiting for that night to come. it should be soon cause my life is shit and that will be the muscle in my arm to pull the trigger.. once i get the gun.

um.. so yeah, after tomorrow i won't have to see any of those people again. none of them, if i don't want to. which.. a good 99% of them i don't. i miss like.. three or four people. keegan, dan, tyler, and john. that's.. pretty much it. i see john every once in a while, haven't seen dan or tyler or keegan which is sad, but that's alright. i can get ahold of them if i put forth the effort. i might soon too, we should all go out with a buncha people to a club. that'd be fun.

um.. shit with jill. yeah, i talked to her the other night.. but i had j on my mind.. then he texted me so i was done lol. but jacki keeps askin if i'm alright with jill yet, jill lost.. a lot of respect from me. like.. a lot. so it'll take a lot of.. somethin for that repsect to come back. once you've lost it from me, twice.. like she did, then it'll be really hard for her to get it back. and i don't have enough patience.

i'm goin to the middle school probably.. friday. just to give out my open house invites to them people. i was talkin to rapaport.. i called her by her first name the other day and she looked at me funny. i aint like sayin that name anyway, so it wont happen again. it's marlene incase.. you were curious. k, anyway.. she thought i was still in 8th grade.. please, bitch lol. but yea, i love them middle school teachers. they make me smile.

alright, i'm.. gonna go buy the notebook probably since i got a coopin lol. for 7.99 on a movie. that's like.. cheap. i dunno if i'll buy the notebook or.. somethin else. i had the urge to watch that damn movie last night when i was talkin to j. it was.. weird. but yea..

ima go.
- Jejuan

[ may twenty ]
Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading. The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.
- What Does Your Birth Date Mean? -

sadly.. that's how it is. that's me. i was born on the right day..

- Jejuan

[addition] allison had this in her xanga, so did lisa, and i like it.. so read it and love it with me:

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand, and claiming a soul, and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses arent contracts, and presents arent promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up...and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is uncertian for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so plan your own garden and decorate your own soul...instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers, and you learn that you really can endure...that you really are strong, and that you really do have worth.

[ i'm done ]
i can't take shit anymore, so i'm moving. i really am. i'm moving to florida, someday. but i'm not gonna tell anybody when.. or where. i'll have my mom give them my cell phone number once i get it, but that's it. it probably won't be for like a year or somethin, but i'm still going.. and nobody is going to know when or where at exactly. i just can't deal with people anymore. yeah, there are more people in florida, but not the people here. so i quit.

yesterday was by far the worst day of my life. my dad didn't come see me like he said. that made my mind jump back to when i was in pine rest.. he said he'd send a card or something.. and never did. and then wouldn't even talk to me when i got out. then it made me think about how j didn't come see me like he said he was going to, and he's not going to. he won't tell me why, i just know he won't. and that.. hurts. a lot. so jacki's friend bruce invited me to go to this bonfire, and i didn't wanna go, but since he wanted me to.. i did. then what? he left and didn't go. so i cried some more. not because of him, but because he triggered my thoughts of when people stood me up before. and i lost it. so i started crying, and tj and jacki were the only ones that asked what was wrong, and jacki wanted me to go on a walk with her, so i did. and i told her what was wrong.. then i felt better. when i got back, tj asked if i was alright again and i said i'm fine now, i just been havin a bad day, and he said alright. that boy is so nice.. it's amazing.

so, anyway.. i did end up going to that bonfire just to find out bruce wasn't even there, and i went with jacki and jill so i was there by myself. being the third wheel. cause they wouldn't talk to me. jacki did a little. but.. still. so after some shit with jill, we left and got hungry howie's pizza and ate it on jacki's car. then we went to dee's bonfire where i saw jake. he looks good. :) he gave me a hug. so nice. and um.. then jill told sam to go talk to her, so they went and talked, and me and jacki found em n shit, then kevin called jill or whatever and jill was all "jacki come here." thats the shit that annoys me. jill knew damn well i was all fuckin alone.. by myself. so yeah, she did it at dee's party which wasn't so bad cause i had sam to.. keep me laughin and stuff. then we went back to the bonfire, and i was left alone again.. for like a hour. and that's when i realized i'm not gonna do it anymore. i'm not even gonna give jill the time of day, i'm not gonna hang out with any of them at once, and i'm just.. so done with everything. so when it came time to leave, i was crying to myself again.

i walked in the door, told my mom i was leaving.. went to grand rapids till 4am. i went to leaha's house. she still lives there, which is amazing. i went to her house and she's a crackhead now.. which is fine cause i did shit in her house and she aint ask no questions. i ended up texting j and tellin him about how i was gonna do some shit and he got mad.. he asked me about it this morning and get even more mad.. but its fine i guess. he reminded me that we dont have shit and we're just 'friends' anyway. which made me wanna say somethin back to him.. but i couldn't move my hand that much no more so i just said alright or.. whatever it is i said. and yea, that was it. if he's still mad at me or whatever, i'll just tell him what i was gonna say then.

but anyway, yeah. so i did a lotta shit this morning till about 4.. and i woke up at my house..with my car outside. i dont know how it got out there.. or how i even got home.. but i did. and i been throwing up all day so.. yeah. that was my day/night.

it was great, i want to kill myself now. real bad. but i have to go to work in about a half hour so i'll manage to live my life until i get to work where people actually talk to me.

- Jejuan

ps. kevin (jill's.. boyfriend.. the dude that did like me or whatever) told me by the bon fire while everyone else was gone that it's my fault he can't kiss jill infront of me, so i have to just apologize or something so he can get his when i'm around. so.. just for you jill, i'll stay away from all of you.. so kevin can do his thing.. have a great life.