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This Is My True Freedom

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cowboy67

:: 2005 10 January :: 10.05am

what does it mean, doctor?
to manifest or communicate, as by a gesture; show.
to make known the feelings or opinions of (oneself), as by statement or art.

4 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2005 9 January :: 10.32am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: jude law and a semester abroad - brand new

wtf mate?
oh my god, most fucked up dream ever. i have to write this down, because im already forgetting it.

it was like a movie.

i was at emma watson's house, and we were eating dinner or something. then tom felton (as draco malfoy) had wrote a book about quidditch or some nonsense.

and after dinner (?) we all had to go in emma's room, but somehow my head identified it as ginny's room. anyways, i couldnt find it at first, and i only found it because there was light coming from the crack of the door.

there are other people besides me in there, but i dont remember who they are. but, there is someone in her bed, and everyone (which has narrowed down to two people, wtf) and this kid jared is under the covers once someone pulls them off.

and he's lying in the bed, but it's way too small for him. the footboard for the bed is against the wall, but his feet somehow manage to slip between the space between the wall and footboard to get under the bed. almost like his feet were made of paper.

and we go "what are you doing in here, we're supposed to be doing something." (i dont remember what we were supposed to be doing.)

and he mumbles, because he's half asleep, and says "hermione said i could."

then i somehow end up in this gigantic parking structure. just one floor of it. and i dont know what to do, but something tells me i have to crash into something.then a little red car goes by and i "lock on" to it. because now it feels like there is a ps2 controller in my hand. there really isnt. but still, i lock on using the R1 key which is totally wrong.

as i locked on, a little yellow "1" appeared on the side of the car, and i thought it was too small of a number. so i really quickly locked on to another car which was going fast and i tried driving into it, because i somehow am a car, but also myself. its confusing just thinking about it.

i could never crash a car and i was getting frustrated. and then there are no more cars driving around, but james marsters kind of walks in between the parked cars, with his signature black duster, his platinum hair, and a cigarette in one hand. he stopped by me and told me something, then took a drag of his cigarette. i dont remember what he told me.

i end up in the back of this van with two other children. and there is a small bird-cage like cage that is black and is seperated into four different parts from a seperator inside. and i know that there is a red, a blue, a green, and a yellow fairy inside.

let me say: what. the. fuck.

moving on. one of the children is a little girl and she is really scared, so to make herself feel better, she says out loud that she doesnt believe in magic.

and i look at her sadly and say "you know, everytime you saw that, a fairy dies." i hold up the cage, and the green fairy is lying on her side. i think in my head 'poor earth fairy.'

then i am observing the front of the van (it is white, by the way). but it's in motion, so its kind of like watching a movie. cut to the inside of the van, and sarah michelle gellar is in the passenger seat. smoke is coming from the back of the fan and somehow filtering into the front.

she says "what's that smoke from?"

and michelle trachtenberg, who is behind her says "i dont think you should worry about it."

that's all i remember.

2 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2005 9 January :: 2.29am
:: Mood: still awake.
:: Music: run - snow patrol

your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
haha forgot to mention the new layout. i = such a dork.

2 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2005 9 January :: 1.23am
:: Mood: very awake.
:: Music: guernica - brand new

is she an airhead? HAHAHA oh god yes.
hahaha i went out with sabrina and tiffany tonight.

tiffany has her own vehicle. not the greatest, haha. they picked me up around 9 and we went and had dinner at macaroni grill. i had chicken parmigiano. mmm.

but when our waiter, doug, was putting the pepper and the oil on the plate for you to dip your bread in, tiffany was looking at him like he was insane.

and as soon as he left she goes "what is that for?!!?"

we laughed. and said it was for bread.

and then sabrina said the cheese on my chicken was mold, and tiffany believed her. holy christ.

but here is something priceless:
when sabrina was at her house, they finished watching a movie, and she says "just put the dvd back in the case."
and tiffany says "how do i rewind it?"

good times. anyways, we hit up barnes and noble afterwards, and get coffee and some sort of dessert. none of us finished them.

it was such great fun. and sabrina is getting a mustang convertible!!! ahh! we are totally cruising in that mother.

and since i had coffee i am very very very awake. fuck.

the end is here


alastar

:: 2004 31 December :: 1.58am
:: Music: straylight run

My words are dust upon an old book with empty pages
Worn away by eyes searching for meaningless phrases
I was lost long ago and placed here on this old shelf
I spoke to myself pretending that I was someone else

4 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2004 28 December :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: screamy-ish.
:: Music: somewhere only we know - keane

teenage angst? oh no!
i am not having such a good day. blah.

i think my mother is going to kill me soon though. i ordered some my chemical romance patches online. with my debit card. without asking permission.

oh dear.

ugh. all day ive had this constant need to just scream. or pass out or something.

and the moment of zen for the day is:
What one-liner are you? by shinikami
Name
LineA clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Quiz created with MemeGen!


.. wtf?

the end is here


alastar

:: 2004 28 December :: 3.29am
:: Music: Cursive - The Ugly Organ

Never Knew
You always acted so amused, and you never told the truth. I never saw the pattern; I just waited and watched as you shattered. This is my regret, for all the words I never said, and all the ones I never meant.

I want you to know that when I see you I just burn, I can tell you still suffer, and I know that it must hurt.

You always acted so amused, and you never told the truth. I could never even tell, I just stared into nothing while you fell. This is my regret, for all the things I’ve done to your head, and all the things I haven’t yet.

I want you to know that when I see you I just burn, I can tell you still suffer, and I know that it must hurt.

You always acted so amused, and you never told the truth. I never even figured, I just stayed still like inside your pictures. This is my regret, for the secrets about where I slept, and all of yours I never kept.




Well that is just horribly written.
It needs a lot of work.

1 day[s] remain | the end is here


alastar

:: 2004 27 December :: 12.38pm
:: Music: muse

Just found this in an old notebook of mine
A Second after Death

As I lay there dead
One glance away from being alive
Silently I beg you
To fill my eyes with life
And as I lay there thinking
About what we used to have
Silently I beg you
To tell me what I am

The light slowly fades
And is wholly left behind
By the blackest of my memories
In the darkness of my mind

As I lay there so close to life
I feel I’m closer to the ledge
The all-consuming feelings
Push me closer to the edge
And as I lay there inside my mind
In a corner surrounded by emptiness
A heart full of pain is crushed
By a soul full of stress

As the life fades away
Also does the light
And all that you are left with
Is the darkest of the night

As I lay there motionless
You can’t help but stay
The life in our creation
Slowly drifts away
And as I lay there begging
For you just to leave
So I don’t have to think of
The love we used to breathe

1 day[s] remain | the end is here


alastar

:: 2004 26 December :: 11.21pm
:: Music: Chevelle

Forming A New
I have created this. Clay was placed in my hands and this is the mold I formed. This is how I made it, and now this unstable creature is dying. I must regain control and reshape it. I wrought this being and I must give it new power. Recreate strengths and abilities then let it grow. I must form a new life.

the end is here


rina

:: 2004 25 December :: 10.51am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: geek stink breath - green day

yay something corporate


Take the test, by Emily.

the end is here


rina

:: 2004 24 December :: 2.20am
:: Mood: in paaaaiiiin bad claws!
:: Music: where is my mind - the pixies

i dont think duct tape will work this time
its christmas eve.

christmas is broken. because it doesnt feel exciting or happy or cozy anymore.

and my cat is a maniac. as i type, he is ARGH kneading into my left thigh and is purring like a steam roller.

wince.

i love this song.

5 day[s] remain | the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2004 23 December :: 3.39pm

"the artist's soul is like a deer darting out in front of our philosophical car. in a moment of shock we swerve and wreck our car, the deer escapes unharmed and we need a new philosophy." - alex gray

1 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2004 21 December :: 2.10am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: where is my mind - the pixies

oh walt you silly man
i love how all the fairy tales have been disney-fied. they are much more gruesome than you would think. and hardly any have happy endings. no lie.

take the little mermaid for example. first of all, she eats people. second, she doesnt actually get the guy; to get legs and have fun as a human she has to kill the man she wants. but as she is going to stab him, she cant bring herself to do it and instead stabs herself in the heart. and then she turns into seafoam.

isnt that fantastic?

5 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2004 19 December :: 12.56pm
:: Mood: awake

iwantkingdomheartstwoooooo
it is winter break.

my first day = video games!!!

i can already tell, this will be the best break ever.

6 day[s] remain | the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2004 18 December :: 10.53pm

load me up
picture yourself
sleeping on a plane
there's something ticking
in the overhead
and inside your brains
there's bodies in the water
and bodies in your basement
if heaven's for clean people
it's vacant

and hey! are you [a] you know?
hey! are you [b] being careful?
hey! are you [c] luke warm?
hey! yeah, you are

i'm frantic!
so load me up
whatever puts me all the way out
whatever puts me all the way out

picture yourself
swimming in an ocean
a million miles from
nowhere and the nearest phone
there's bodies in the water
floating all around you
and all of them are talking
and they're comedians

and hey! are you [a] you know?
hey! are you [b] special?
hey! are you [c] deformed?
hey! yeah, you are

i'm frantic!
so load me up
this seems so practiced -
me fucking this up
whatever puts me all the way out
whatever puts me all the way out

picture yourself
at the mgm grand
murphy's fighting hokum
you're in the stands
there's somebody in the water
in the middle of the ocean
a million miles from nowhere
and they're alone

i'm there alone
so, so deformed
so, so deformed
so, so deformed

i'm frantic!
so load me up
this seems so practiced
so take me all the way out
whatever puts me all the way out

3 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2004 17 December :: 7.59pm
:: Mood: blarghisnebasdbgol.
:: Music: remy zero

everyone should go out and get trashed.
it is winter break!!!!!

and i have exams to study for. what bullshit.

dude, i have the most fucked up dreams ever. the one i had last night was absolutely ridiculous. if you want to know; ask. otherwise, just leave it. for your own safety.

i sometimes wonder why they're so odd, and have come to the conclusion that its just my family gradually driving me insane.

i am sad about my chemistry exam. sad sad sad. i got a 105/120.

BECAUSE OF THREE STUPID IONS!! thats such shit. blah.

2 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2004 16 December :: 4.07pm
:: Mood: dumbfounded.
:: Music: the dusty brothers

welcome to the outback.. in africa.. WTF?!
ah. chemistry is easy when you study like a madwoman.

ugh. i am so not looking forward to the precalc exam. im trying to think of some genious way to cheat. because we can only have a piece of paper that he gives us, a pencil, and a calculator.

and yes, he clears the memory of graphing calculators before every test. argh.

and holy shit, my bus is so retarded.

they were talking about STDs or some shit like that, and this one boy was like "yeah, but thats a disease way down in.. africa or something if you get bit by a kangaroo."

so i ask myself.

is stupidity contagious? it seems he passed it on to some of the others on my bus. i pray that i am immune.

5 day[s] remain | the end is here


cowboy67

:: 2004 14 December :: 9.17pm

all my dreams lost at sea
when i'm done with exams, hopefully i will have more time to actually write in here. to go off on tangents and let my thoughts flow out, un-edited and unorganized as ever. i miss that. i miss just being able to write to get something out of my head, so that i can rest without thoughts and feelings running and jumping about, distracting me from my everyday responsibilities. i never get to write anymore. now i just write about not having the time to write.

no one knows anything about me anymore.

10 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2004 14 December :: 3.29pm
:: Mood: insane
:: Music: mad world - michael andrews

prepare to evacuate soul in 3, 2, in 1
during exam week i think everyone walks around with an invisible gun to their head.

and i am about ready to just fucking die from everything i have to do.

tomorrow is the chemistry exam. you can imagine how thrilled i am.

..

i also have 2349516140560673828510483684 things due on thursday which i have neglected to do. it sits there staring at me from my bag saying "you are so fucked."

ohmygod. we took all the notes we need for the precalc midterm today. when i looked at the board i wanted to cry. holy shit.

3 day[s] remain | the end is here


rina

:: 2004 13 December :: 3.44pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: cute without the 'e' (cut from the team) - taking back sunday

insomnia would be better
so this dream i had.

i was at a party at this house. and i was talking to alot of people and suddenly i had to go run to the house next door to get something. the dream is set in a kind of grayish tone.

and i run across this yard with gray grass and jump over a tree made out of metal.

it looks like one of the trees from ferngully, you know, with the mushroom things sticking out of it like little plates.

i step on one of the mushrooms as i fly over it.

and then i end up at the next house over and there are people there. i look to where they're staring. its a house, with one of those screened porches that wrap the whole way around it. like an endless patio. and just as i look, a naked man with a funnel on his head runs from one side of the porch to the other.

now, i couldnt see his bathing suit area. it was 'censored' out like the 'whats my age again' video by blink 182, when tom, mark, and travis are running through the streets in their birthday suits.

i turn to the group of people and say "he must be really drunk."

the rest of it was really strange. and also i was talking to some boy and we were looking across the street and our noses touched and we started laughing hysterically.

it was pretty fucked up.

the end is here

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